Decision time ...

Again, my knee was so sore this morning. This is putting a damper on my gym schedule. I figured I'd go anyway and hope that it loosened up when I got there - it didn't. I made the decision to do a bit of weights and then sit in the hot tub.

I then opted to go to the store and get some hair dye - not to change karma (because that doesn't work) but to help myself feel sexy. While there I saw this kick a$$ skirt and decided it was a steel at $10 - so I decided to buy it and that I WILL go out tonight.

Thing is, I got home and tried it on, lesson learned - TRY THINGS ON IN THE STORE! I may not be downing the pounds as I would like but it just didn't fit, it's huge! So now I'm really feeling sexy!

Guess no gym tonight ...

I am still at work - 12 glorious hours, no lunch break and way too much office munchies. I'm exhausted - too exhausted to do anything but go home and go to bed; but that isn't happeneing for another hour or so, then add in the 45 minut drive - I'll get home and be wired.

I've been feeling a bit sluttly lately, to no avail as usual... maybe I can get some people to go out tomorrow or Sunday.

I've given up on Mr. D, I have a short attention span and he's exceeded it now. It's not like I want to be with someone every day or even talk to them that often - but it's going on three weeks here and I'm just getting anxious to get some.

Lord, I need to clean out my cube this weekend. I can't even walk in it or anything!

Back to the bump and grind and then hopefully to home and to bed!

Ow - my aching knee

Last night was so relaxing. My sister has taken in a little baby (she's 10 months now) who's Mom died of cancer. It's pretty sad, she was diagnoised shortly after having the baby and spent the next several months in the hospital until she died about a month ago. The little girl has TERRIBLE seperation anxiety from being bounced back and forth so much, it's so sad. Around 8:00 she was a bit tired and I just sat there and rubbed her back until she fell sound asleep. My sister showed up about 15 minutes later to take her home - what I wouldn't have done for a couple more minutes of holding her, it was so comforting. I got my baby fix on for a little while - but not too long, as I still don't want them at this point (pretty much would need to find a guy to help out with that anyhow).

I woke up this morning with a throbbing knee, I must have slept on it funny. Decided to skip the gym and do some work from home instead to give it a break. Hopefully, I'll feel up to par so I can hit the gym tonight and at least work in a bit of cardio.

I didn't answer the phone all day at work since I was so busy, the light is blinking and killing me! At noon I had 6 messages - I'm sure I'm up to about 12 now and all of those maronic guys asking about batteries. They drive me nuts!

Should get back to work, those messages aren't going to answer themselves.

Things may be starting to look up

So I've decided to go with the option of the second job (thanks BZ). I was looking for the paper and my old gym is hiring a bartender PT/nights, some weekends AND you get a free gym membership! I used to go to this bar and knew one of the guys who bartended - he didn't make a ton of cash or anything, but that gym membership would save me money every month and every cent that I would make would technically be "bonus" move-out cash. I think I will stop by after my workout tonight and see if it's still open.

On the boy front, Mr. D isn't feeling to hot having his wisdom teeth yanked out and all but I am looking forward to seeing him sometime in the near future - hopefully this weekend...

I spent some quality time with my mom last night (#3's biggest supporter) and told her about the text conversation - she was appauled by it. She said what another girl at work told me - he puts on this "I'm a nice guy" front and then it turns out he's just like the rest of him. We won't push the relationship anymore ... so tell me about Mr. D and how that's working out...

I'm not sure if it's the fact that #3 is out of the picture or if it's the fact that I might kind of like Mr. D, but I'm actually opening up myself up to the possibility right now.

Gotta get in 15 more minutes of work and then it's off to the gym for a short workout only to be followed to another gym routine after work (oh yeah, and 15 minutes in the tanning bed :) )

Well ain't that a kick in the face ...

Bad, bad, bad. I'm doing some research for work on facial hair - which #3 has plenty of, so I thought I might be able to interview him, not to mention get to see him because we all know that I have feelings for him. It was all over text, and here's how it went.

MG: So, what's the possibility of me interviewing you on your facial hair strategy?
3: If you can catch me sure.
MG: Your house one hour.
I then did an interview with two guys, so I was a way from my phone for about 5 minutes, so he got a bit nervous
3: Actually, I have choir practice.
3: Actually, I was feeling major guilt over last time.
3: And, well, I met someone last week and we got along uber good (sidenote: you are 35 and you just said uber?)
3: She's a nerd just like me, it's great. Great conversation, great everything (little salt in the wound, how the hell are you supposed to respond to that?)

I've now returned to the on slaught of four text messages, thoroughly punching me in the stomach. Great, I'm a fabulous transition girl. Out of the last six guys I've dated, seen, FBed they all (except one) immediately got into a relationship following our break up.

MG: Great! Couldn't happen to a better guy.
3: She's great, and thanks.
MG: That's what I'm hear for, or so they say.
3: What's that supposed to mean?
MG: I'm a cap.
3: Then I'm psychotic.
MG: I get what you are trying to say here and not sure how to respond (he's a gemini - dual personalities)
3: I'm a gem.
MG: Hello old man - classics degree, I got that.
MG: We are done texting now, right?

Two hours later, while on the phone with Mr. D (who is going in for surgery tomorrow) I get the response "Yeppers."

I toyed with the idea of just deleting his number so that I will no longer be tempted to communicate with him, but i didn't.
In my desperation I also texted #1 that I was sorry for everything, turns out I was wrong in my new years resolution - I can't be the person I was hoping to be.

That was the lightbulb of the evening. I've done what I could to be the good girl, to be the marriage material, to be the girl that can drink a beer with you and the boys then turn around and screw your brains out in the bathroom of the bar. There are comments that always come in hand after each of the men I date:

(1) You are so awesome, you are beautiful and you taught me what it was like to be in a good relationship.
(2) My self esteem went up when I was with you (sidenote: which is why I cheated on you and/or started seeing other people)
(3) I've never had so much fun with sex in my entire life (sidenote: obviously doesn't apply to the situation with #3)

And the fact is that maybe I'm just the transition girl and there's nothing wrong with that, just need to guard the old heart a little bit more.

This rejection is a good thing too, it means that I'm getting my butt in shape. Yes, I go to the gym all the time but I'm really not putting that extra effort in and I'm not watching what I'm eating. The next time he sees me, I'll be in a bikini with abs to die for. It also means that I'm letting go (hail to Carrie Underwood) and it's an opportunity to not hang onto the image that we should be together, which leaves me open for better (and more richer :) ) things.

My stomach just grew two inches

I weighed my options as such around noon today. I could go to the gym for 15 minutes (travel time+showertime=45min) or I could work through it and get to leave here around 5:15 to make it for my 6:05 tanning appointment and potentially work out for an additional hour. But then comes the wild card of do I have a date with Mr. D tonight? I don't think I do - but his teeth are getting pulled tomorrow and he agreed (on my way up to the UP) that he owed me a date.

In my nothingness this morning, I grabbed a stained shirt (I think I posted that? My head is all clouds today) and I really don't want to see him with a stained shirt, though low lighting would help conceal it. I'm tempted to make the move and call him today but he NEVER calls me and perhaps I shouldn't be so easy (not in the sex sense - I'm still keeping with those resolutions). That is the random rant of the hour.

Back to my options, so instead I ordered a wrap from the local deli and pigged out - all out and it wasn't even that good. I feel like my stomach is two inches larger right now and I'm getting tired from being so full, stupid, stupid girl.

Lately my mind has been drifting to my life long goal of owning my own pub. My friend from IA and I had started this idea a few months before she left and I occassionally write articles and keep them in my documents folder (some of which I posted back when I started this blog). Here's the concept: The pub is for REAL women and would showcase articles and fashion shoots with real people. A lot of this came to being when I was struggling with eating disorders (if you want to know all the horrific tales of what I did to my body over the last decade plus - it's my first entry on Fabulous at 25). I wished I could open up a pub and see real women looking beautiful and articles that pertained to me. Originally the concept was geared towards that akward not Seventeen but not Cosmo age range; however I now qualify in the market of Cosmo so I'd be a bit off. To continue ... it's always something I wanted to do and something I'm pretty sure I could be pretty good at, just never had the funds to start it off, but with my mind wandering back I'm starting to think that an online version might be easy to handle and start a readership base. Not sure, just one of those things I'm throwing out there.

It's already 2:00 here and time is flying by - though, now that I've looked, it might just creep by for the next three hours. I'm having some focus issues right now so I took a break, but if I'm going to make that tanning appointment I better hop back to it.

I have a dirty little secret ...

I am attempting to clean. I swear. But here's my dirty little secret. I usually wash my sheets every week, but I didn't because I was in Michigan. Once and awhile I spray down my sheets with a body spray - today, Plumeria - so that I feel sexy for the night - even if it is by myself.

And that's my literal, dirty little secret.

I've said it 100 times ...

I need to move. I came home from a relaxing trip to the U.P. only to have a note written by my father about how I need to keep up my place better. I pay this man a lot of money a month to live in his basement (it's supposed to be an arrangement to "save" money; however taking a good chunk of disposable income a month doesn't quite save money) and, in reality, I have not been saving as I had planned because no matter how many times I try to convince myself to move out - I can't seem to put the money away. On top of it all, he keeps mentioning how broke he is, so a bit of daughter-fed guilt has made me not take the plunge and save away for getting out.

I managed to get myself into a lot of college and post-college debt and don't really have the credit rating to pay a standard move-in of security deposit plus first month's rent (not to mention get the "free" deals that are going on right now), instead I'm faced with a double security deposit and first months rent (which around these parts comes out to about $2000). So instead of relaxing last night I crunched numbers to see how long it would be before I could move - 7 freaking months and that's being pretty damn stingy. That leaves me a mere $200 a month for groceries and gas (gas alone these days is about $240-$300). To top it off, I was hoping my tax return might make for the down payment - but it turns out one year post college means no HOPE credit and means a total of $80 for a return.

I looked desperately around my destitute living quarters and silently tallied up the cost of everything I own, which sadly would realistically be around $300. I had sold everything good a couple months back as I was trying to make rent and pay back my student loans.

So here are my options:
(1) Continue being miserable, living at home. Not wanting to come home, because I live in my dad's basement and I'm 25.
(2) Live in Dad's basement for 7 months to try and save up the money to move out. 7 long months.
(3) Find another job to occupy what little free time I have to make up the income and possibly move out in 3-4 months.
(4) Find a roommate, move out and have to live with a roommate, again. Which never really works out for me.

I go back and forth on the second job, I'm dead tired as is and have no free time - but I'm going to look anyway. I might be able to make just enough to work at the position for ONLY the month before moving and be able to afford a semi-decent place.

Let's hope the other job I applied for calls soon.

Guess what happened ...

For those of you who read the TMI post a couple days back - I am pleased to announce that it was not an issue last night! In fact, it was so good that I had to bite a pillow to stuffle my screams and I promptly fell asleep after! Good advice on the massage is all I have to say! LOL.

I'm gearing up for an exciting weekend in Michigan with the family. I'm hoping there is a bit of snow, as WI doesn't have much around these parts. Besides that, it's always a fun adventure with my family - my brothers and I get along great and I could use a little time out where cell phones don't work and WI-FI doesn't connect. Breathe. No work and it's a good thing.

I've got all my snowbunny attire packed and good to go, hopefully the lodge will supply a good amount of hunky guys to talk to (or at least buy me a Cherry Kiss!). I'll be sleeping on the floor this weekend, the cabin we are sleeping in only has two beds and my little sister is coming up with her boy toy.

I can't wait to get out of here and take a breather! Other good to note mention is NO REJECTION LETTER YET! I'll be calling my latest place on my way out of here (count down 2 hours, 15 mintues) and trying to negotiate an interview. Yipee!

Things are going to change around these parts ...

Two Nights in a Row?!

Now, I'm a very laid back person and it takes a good amount to tick me off to the point where I don't want to talk to you again. This being said - when you cross that line, it's damn near impossible for you to hop back over to my good side.

On that note, Mr. D was supposed to fill in at leagues last night (after some sweet talking on my part because of his absence the night before) but he decided he was "too tired." Which was fine, I had to sober bowl anyway (bowling and drinking mix - I scored 53 sober :( ). But I was a little perterved. I'm not fond of being blown off two nights in a row ...

Bowling ended early and, since I was sober, I hightailed it out of there as quick as I could. Around 10:00 he called, I answered. We talked for 45 minutes, which was nice and I slept well after that (I even got up early this morning - but promptly went back to bed), but I'm still reserving the right to play hard-to-get or maybe not even at all.

Which leads me to this morning. My alarm went off at 4:45, I got up - was wide awake - but decided to not go to the gym, after all I ate WAY too much bad-for-me things. I will try my best to go over the lunch hour today.

Late night phone calls ...

At 10:30 I was still up but not in a mood to talk to Mr. D upon his phone call, so I let it hit VM. An apologetic, forgot about football message was supplied and a can't we get together Wed, Thurs or Friday. Guess what? We can't. Not because I'm being a bitch - but because you really need to book me before Monday, as I fill up pretty fast.

Tonight is leagues which means temptation island without the sex but definitely a little bit of cheating. I'm limiting myself to splitting a pizza and ONE beer, which we all know is not an easy accomplishment for me :)

Tomorrow should be very low key, after work I need to pack my bags for the annual trip to the slopes with the family in Michigan. This weekend should be quite relaxing. We leave in the early afternoon and should arrive before the sunsets. I'm excited to get away, I think it's what I need to sort things out, plus the family is always fun.

And the plot thickens ...

So my date with Mr. D didn't happen because he didn't call and he didn't return my calls. Hey how about seeping a little further down the hill there MG?

In turn I did go to the gym and I felt good about it. Since I've been feeling crappy, I haven't gone to my PM sessions - maybe that's what's wrong.

In other good news - no rejection letter yet from the new job I applied for :) I revamped my primo resume from business to "me" - including my little quirky lines, such as "I hope my qualifications meet your expectations and I hope to sweet talk you into a meeting. I'll be in contact on January 20th." That's me - it's time I stop hiding it.

Any tips on getting out of bed?

So here's how I can tell I'm really not happy ... two months ago I was an up-at-4am-working-out-girl, about one month ago I moved the alarm clock away from the bed so I had to move to turn it off and get up at 5:30 (still 2hr work out, not bad) - now I'm not getting up until 6:45, just in time to roll myself out of bed, grab work clothes and work out for a menial 20 minutes or so before hitting the shower to pretty myself up. Today, my shoes didn't match my outfit. MY SHOES. Not that I had two different kinds on, they were just the wrong brown and for god's sake, we are talking about SHOES. This is an area I just don't screw up!

Side Note: The thing about shoes is that no matter what amount of weight you put on, they always fit. If you have only $15 in your wallet you can go to Payless and find a pair of cheap shoes that make you happy for about two days, if you have $800 in your wallet, you can find a nice pair that will make you happy for a week (impure thoughts as I've never had $800 and don't own a pair of shoes over $50 - but I have enough to add up to that amount...)

So I need to know how I'm going to handle getting up in the morning, my work schedule has been hellauv hectic - so by the time I'm done after 12+ hours, my bed is looking nice instead of the weights at the gym. My mini-love life that I do have going on is somewhat suffering over the discontent of what to do (or not to do).

For instance, on Sunday Mr.D and I had a lovely conversation in which I twirked that I was his Monday night date, to which he responded, "Not anymore - 24 starts again tomorrow." (nothing like being replaced by a TV show - does Jack Bauer put out for you? ... wait, don't answer that ...) So he suggested we do something Tuesday, or in other words, tonight.

Normally I'd be done for it - but I just keep thinking that I haven't been to the gym enough lately and I'm feeling jiggly. How can I be a sexpot when I'm concerned with the way my pants hug my love handles? Actually, probably get naked and that solve it .... change of subject, sorry. Back to my point, I feel like I SHOULD go out because it might help me get over the hump of discontent but I feel more so that I HAVE TO go to the gym. What comes first, the feeling sexy or the being sexy? The feeling.

But on the opposite hand, tomorrow is bowling league (yes, I proudly wear my white-trash, I'm doing this for work t-shirt) in which he WON'T come (already invited) and Thursday night I pack for my weekend trip to Michigan for some skiing. So the opposite hand says, "This is your chance ..." while my rational mind is saying - hold your horses girl!

And the ski trip brings me to my next point, I miss #3 in all his Catholic choir boy glory. He hasn't called/wrote/text messaged. He's an avid participant in Michigan, and I secretly hope I met him on the slopes (and then in one of the lodges for a quick rendevous ...).

Then finally, I've been day dreaming about my hopeless ex these days - his light blue eyes pierce my dreams at night and occupy my indecent thoughts in the shower. What's a girl to do?

Work out the frustration at the gym or work it out on Mr. D?

A hopeless hour to decide ...

Something to think about

When I was blog-hopping today, I stopped at BZ's blog and it got me thinking ....

If money was no object, would you move out of your life you have right now and start fresh or resume an old life?

I would move and start fresh. I'd go to Canada or Alaska and I'd just dig in the scenery and start as someone completely new. I'd screw my first name (I hate it anyway) and go by my middle - I'd even legally change my last name. Now I know it sounds like I'm running, but when you grow up in a small community and you've established yourself in it's larger community you are your past and I'd screw it all for a fresh start.

You?

Something's wrong ...

This is going to be a TMI (too much information) post but I gotta share it.

I'm a big fan of Sex and the City - in the episode where Miranda's mom dies, Samantha has problems cumming because of pent up emotions. Pay attention to this next time things aren't going well in the sack - you'll notice it's actually true. Too many pent up emotions doesn't let you get to that point, or at least not for a lot of people.

To continue with my story, out of pure boredom last night, I got out my purple friend. After 30 minutes, nothing. I'm a frequent user, so I know just how to do it right that it could occupy less than 30 seconds of my time. In my frustration, I changed the batteries - which made a BIG difference, but 30 minutes later I was just feeling numb. Now, I'm not only bored but frustrated as well.

This is going to take some mental digging to figure out what is exactly pent up and then have at it again.

Unrealistic Expectations

This post will draw criticism probably - but I need to write it down.

I realistically don't believe that I've ever been in love. I've faked it, just like I've faked an unhealthy amount of orgasms and I've been infactuated to the point where I've believed I might be in love - but I've always put unrealistic expectations on the other person as "signs" that we should be together.

Case in point. This is what my ideal guy is and will do. He will be 8-10 years older than me, graduated from High School with some technical education - preferrably in construction. He'll be stocky, have blue eyes and at least one tattoo. His shoulder span will be larger than me, but I will be as tall, if not taller than him in heels. He will be a breast man (because that's the best feature I've got going for me). He will have a bit of a receeding hairline and keep it shaved a bit.

What he will do within the first two months of meeting me ... upon meeting me, he will tell me that I have gorgeous eyes and a great smile (I had braces twice, damn right I have a great smile). He should send me flowers - ideally (but not a qualification) after one of our first dates but a mandatory after the first time we have sex. He won't be that into PDA - but he will kiss me in public and after one too many drinks, he'll put his hand on my waist.

And that is Mr. Perfect for me. I have never dated a guy that did the actions, but have dated a handful that have looked similar to the description, I usually settle for some of the qualifications - realizing that this is probably a bit too unrealistic. But here's the thing, maybe it's not.

To me, the looks are about 25% of the equation, the actions are what will sell me on him and that's the part that has never existed, perhaps I should search based on that. The truth is that I may have seen too many movies, but looks don't matter at all - the whole sweep me off my feet matters more.

Now, besides the creepy might-be-a-pornstar and the fact that I completely realize he's a player, Mr. D is close to the qualifications. He's short and stocky and that's about it in the looks category. The first time he met he said he couldn't believe how beautiful my eyes were, we kiss in public and after too many drinks, he guides our walks with his hand lightly behind my waist. He's close, but not all the way there and I can't figure out for the life of me if he's serious or not (I'm leaning to the point that he's looking for a quick blow job and a roll in the hay with someone much his junior) - but it's something I will let play out.

Birth Order

Some times I think I went into the wrong business. I'm very inate at reading people and I belive strongly in personlaity differences based on sex, birth order and past experiences. I also think that your "sign" both Chinese and Zodiac effects you. Sometimes I wish that I had been a therapist because I think I'm very good at relating to people and allowing them to share thier thoughts (though the opposite is not always true - hence the anonymous blog as my outlet).

Anyhow, woke up this morning as usual to go to the gym. The last couple of days I've scoped out the pubs at the health club and there's nothing that interesting - except the three month old smut pubs, but I've already read about the gossip in other places, so I stopped at the local Walgreens to pick up some new reading material (and lip gloss, just in case I go out tonight). Disappointed, they didn't have the new Cosmo so I went with the second hand cosmo that is still smutty, but a little more cluttered - Complete Woman.

To my surprise there is an article on birth order, I wish they went into a little more detail, but it was pretty interesting. If you're not familiar here's the basics...

As the first born (which I am not) you are better at leading and like to have responsibility. This person normally has an innate sense of entitlement. IN MY RESEARCH: I've also found that first borns like to bend the rules a bit and our best in relationships to last borns and are REALLY not compatible with only children. The like to feel in control and are used to being the center of attention, so they need to hold steadily in that place.

As the middle child (ding, ding, ding!) you are a peace-maker in your family, are not used to getting their way and enjoy team associated work. IN MY RESEARCH: and in being one myself, they are overachievers because they feel that they lacked approval growing up. They also are overly concerned with people liking them and will take responsibility for anyone not liking them.

As the younger child, they are usually a bit more rambuncious, self-centered and are good sales people. IN MY RESEARCH: I've also found that they will do anything to get the attention of anyone - they are complete spotlight hogs.

Just a little FYI.

Hoping for plans tonight ...

I do not want to sit at home this weekend, the one bad thing about taking myself off of match is that now NO ONE is calling. I really want to practice bowling now that I am on the league for work - I think that could be very grade school fun followed up with my sex-drive being crazy right now so very post-college fun!

Stupid Ex-Boyfriends!

So I'm at work, minding my own business, logged on to MSN during lunch and guess who's on? My ex-boyfriend (the one in reference to #3). He's on a lot, occassionally he emails me his pathetic "I screwed it all up - I still want to be friends" BS, last time it was what gave #3 a huge guilt complex about kissing me.

Anyhow, at lunch here's the conversation ...

Stupid: "How's it going"

Stupider (me): "Fine. You?"

Stupid: "I have a great job, doing what I like, making good money. I'm getting happy." (Okay, I'm short cutting because he's a HORRIBLE speller) "You?"

Me: "Still at same job, working out a lot" (AKA, I'm hot you dumb f*ck)

Stupid: "Yeah, Blah Blah started up a company with 2 million dollars, I have to drive a bit - but I love it, so I don't mind. We have three clients .... more on about myself and how I'm so great ..."

Me: "Good. I'm glad you're happy."

Stupid: "Getting there."

Me: "Good."

Stupid: "So when can I take you out for a drink or a (serious - this is the spelling) byte to eat?"

Me: "When/where?" (OH IDIOT! NOW HE'S GOING TO TELL #3!)

Stupid: "What are you doing this weekend?"

Me: "Actually, it probably isn't a good idea"

Stupid: "Milwaukee Girl, I'm just trying to get our friendship back"

Me: "We never had a friendship and we've been done almost two years. Listen, I'm trying to start off the new year right, I only want people in my life that are concerned about me - not what I can do for them. No offense, but I don't see a benefit in us being 'friends.'"

Stupid: "I value your friendship and honesty - that's why I want to hang out. But, fine, I will respect your choice to no longer have you in my life - I know I was a jerk, but I deserve a chance"

Me: "We WEREN'T friends. And you can tell by your tone that it's still all about you. Look, there's a point in some people's lives were choices have to be made. I told you a million times that I will never be mean to you or ignore you if I see you, but that doesn't mean we have to 'hang out.' I really wish you the best in your future and I hope you find someone who makes you happy and likes you for who you are and I'd hope you'd wish the same for me." (AKA tell #3 it's okay to be with me ...)

Silence.

Me: "Listen, I'm not trying to offend you - just being honest."

MSN: "I'm sorry, the person you were talking to has logged off."

So much for that, "I wish you happiness too." crap I was hoping for.

I was having a semi-decent day, but now I could really go for a cocktail. Screw the gym tonight, I'll work off the calories with my purple friend in hopes of releasing this pent-up energy. And more so, SCREW not smoking, I'm enjoying a cancer stick right about now.

Does this reaction mean I'm not over him? Because I really believe that I am - I think it's just frustration on my end that this dude screwed me over and is STILL screwing me over because I can't be with the one guy that is semi-good for me because he's a dumb a** choir boy!

STUPID PIERCED DICK!

Friday the 13th ...

I am really superstitious, which means the crazy people come out in the bucket loads tonight, so I do believe I will be staying home tonight.

Speaking of crazy people ... have you ever noticed that you can check people's profiles on your MSN messenger? I thought I'd check on Mr. D for a little background info ---- his profile was marked "adult content - must be 18 to enter" Hmmm? Turns out MSN erased the profiles of people on January 1st with this kind of marking. It said it included "adult visuals & language." This scares me a bit - perhaps he didn't think I'm easy, maybe he's just trying to break into the porn industry...

In my downtime last night, I started thinking about vices people have (right after the adult content search) - I admit I have alot of them, most of them I should probably ditch but I don't go head over heels for a good portion - so I think I'm okay. I enjoy smoking, drinking, sex, center-of-attention, caffine and gambling. What I don't enjoy is drugs - i think that's the only vice I'm missing. Food for thought.

I've decided to start a weightloss blog - check it out in links! Let me know if you're interested in joining, we may be states away but that doesn't mean that we can't be weightloss buddies!

Post Review Post

Review went fairly well today, now is the big decision to stay or go... I did get a raise, a little less than I had hoped but being that I wasn't going to get one at all it makes me extremely happy! The next couple weeks is the waiting game to see what's going on with the other job and what their decision will be in the future.

Booked Vegas, officially, this week! What a great town - feeds into all my vices, smoking, drinking and sex. Of course, I'm going with my mom so I don't indulge in the sex vice, but hey! better to at least get two of them in there!

Weightloss is going well, I think I'll start a blog journal. My goal is 30 lbs by summer, I will look awesome in a swimsuit! I've finally realized that the weightloss is really paying off, my clothes are so big on me now - as soon as the raise kicks in I'm getting some new ones and finding a tailor to take in my favorite old pieces!

I don't think liking Mr. D was a good idea, but we'll see where that goes. The teacher dude left a VM that I promptly deleted before listening to it and then sent a follow up email that I did the same to. I don't think I'm quite ready to take that leap yet. Haven't heard from any of the others, which is good because I'm way too busy to answer those calls!

Beer Hang Over

I'm pretty sure a beer hang over is worse than a mixed drink or martini one, but not quite as bad as a wine one. Holy crap does my head hurt. There went the goal of not drinking.

Went out with a friend from work and Mr. D last night. Turns out I really kind of like him ... that's a new one for me. In the process, he made sure my beer glass was never empty and my friend had to drive home, stopping a couple of times to let me throw up (gross ...) Guess I should have ate before I went.

Not enough hours in the day ....

(Deep Breath). It's probably a good thing that there are not more than 24 hours in a day, because if there was - say, 36 - we'd all have no lives, but sometimes deadlines are a pain in the ass.

Besides being crazy busy and trying to get my pro-bono work done, not to mention my phone ringing like crazy and trying to decide if the gym is a good idea tonight and why I stopped drinking .... the day is going pretty well. I could use a nap. They should really treat adults like pre-schoolers and give us a 30 minute nap in the afternoon, oh wait - that's the lunch hour, something I haven't taken in around three months now.

On one hand, I may have a new job on the horizon, which would be good - but the new job with no benefits type of job. At least it'll give me resume power and I could actually get a bartending job at nights to help support myself. We'll see how that review, that I have yet to prepare for, goes on Wednesday morning.

My usual Monday nights include going to the gym then high tailing it to the stomping grounds with laptop in hand for a little post-work, work. Post-work, work is the pro-bono stuff I was rambling about earlier. I've invited Mr. Delafield (who I'll refer to as Mr. D from now on) out for a cocktail, but on second thought - do I really want him to know what a compulsive worker I am.

Two weeks ago, I enjoyed a chat with the fellow next to me at the bar. Our conversation included whether or not I was a Type A or Type B personality. I told him that three years ago I was a Type A-going-to-have-a-heart-attack by 25 Type A. These days, I thought I was a Type B, more relaxed and passive. He told me that the laptop after hours (especially since I started work at 7am and it was now 9pm) was a clear giveaway that I was still a Type A. Now, I realize he was right. Even though I'm past 25 and have not had a heart attack, I wouldn't be surprised if it hit with in the next five years.

I guess I should put the blog down and get back to work...

Do we get easier as we get older?

As you can see, my day has been quite boring and when this happens I think a lot.

Here's my latest ponder. As we get older, do we get easier? Case in point, remember the first interaction you had with a person you were attracted to. You told all your friends, "We held hands ..." they were in awe and now they look at you like a crack fien or question whether he's straight. Then when you get a little older, you kiss on the first date and that's a pretty good step. A bit years later, there's a good chance that a good date is at least your shirt is off and by the time you're in your late twenties there's a good chance you're ready to give it up in some way on the first date.

So why do we get easier as we get older? I think you realize time is precious and perhaps you don't want to waste the next months on a poor kisser or a bad lay - so we want to do it right away, just to see.

True or no?

Who needs a man?

I have a cat. Actually, I have two. Both abandoned presents from ex-boyfriends. The littlest one, just over a year, I didn't even want. Turns out he was the one good thing that came out of dating the old guy.

You see, he is absolutely the dumbest thing on the planet (the cat, not the ex - wait, no the ex too)- but he's a good boy. This cat is such a man it's ridiculous - he doesn't even sleep with his legs closed and when it's warm he likes to put his "manly" parts right in front of the air conditioner to cool off.

As I spend time relaxing at home, I'm getting anxious to go. I wanted to listen to music and country is the only station playing music videos right now. So now I'm just sitting here getting depressed. At that very moment, my little boy cat happily runs and jumps on the bed, head butts me and purrs, then promptly lays on his back, legs wide open and sleeps. This makes me think - he's the only boy I've slept next to in a year and a half - and hey, he's the best damn boy that I've ever slept next too.

So on that note, who needs a man when I have this cat? LOL.

High School Work Out

This is in an earlier post - but so you don't have to look back, I'll recap.

When I was 18 I was engaged to the guy I dated through out high school. Not the best material - made me feel like crap about my body and convinced me I would never find anyone to love me so I should stay with him. Now, outside persona, everyone loved him and agreed I would never do any better. I kicked our dual drug addiction at 18 after three years of smoking, snorting and injencting and went away to college clean with a friend who never knew about my habits.

My friend and I were extremely close, the three of us always hung out and she adored him. She met a nice guy in college, and they hooked up. Our three some became a four some and all was good. At the end of my freshman year, my boyfriend told me that I had to go to the local college - or lose him. Completely entagled in his web, I couldn't lose him and went to UW-Milwaukee.

He had horrible spending habits so I worked two jobs to help pay his debt and went to school fulltime. One of my jobs was right behind the apartment we shared. One day, burnt out and sick, I got sent home from work. I walked up the hill into our little two bedroom apartment and into our room to lay down. There he was butt naked with a girl from work, screwing her doggy style. He stopped only to get out of her, her to hide in MY comforter and behind MY pillows to tell me it wasn't what it looked like. I went back to work and was consoled by my friends to end the relationship.

I decided I couldn't be engaged any longer a month after the incident and returned the ring that I bought to him. I recounted the story to my high school friend and college buddy only to have her side with him. Five years of friendship down the toilet. We haven't spoke since.

So this morning I go to the gym and after three magazines and 45 on the bike, I go to start my normal weight routine. I walk past the bike on the end and there she sat. I don't know if she saw me, but my blood boiled. Here, at my gym? And then, on top of it, she looked great (but I didn't see a ring in my quick one over so that bit made me happy). So the whole time I watched what she did - I did 15 more on the bike, three more reps of 25 then she did on the weights, 5 lbs heavier than her load. She inspired me to look better than she did.

We exchanged no words, though I'm positive she saw me. Part of me wanted to rekindle our lost friendship, the other part kept quiet, secretly hoping she'd be there tomorrow to whip my ass in shape. The quiet part won and my butt hurts (literally).

So raise your glasses to high school style work outs and a new three month deadline to drop twenty and take racy photographs of myself in a little bikini over a rock! Cheers, cheers!

Where's the coffee?

Yesterday turned out to be a semi decent day. A campaign I worked on turned out great - usual redemption is 5%, we were aiming for 20%, instead we got 99%! That was awesome, great ammo to go into on Wednesday for my review.

Mr. D text messaged me yesterday, I returned his call and we talked for a good 45 minutes. I take that back, I talked for a good 45 minutes and he listened. Maybe I do like him ... He was going to a party, I was going home to relax and celebrate my day by myself (he didn't know this - but with my little purple friend ...). I told him to drunk dial and we talked at 2am, I couldn't sleep - he was being a drunk schmoozer - but not 1/2 that bad at it, so I just took the complements. #3 and I bantered, though nothing came of it, even though I hoped. I just have to realize that it's never going to happen - no matter how many people say he's right, no matter how many times the chemistry takes over, it's just not going to happen. I will not be someone's dirty little secret. I'll be dirty, just not a secret. No word form #1.

I've been ignoring the teacher - just not my thing, perhaps I should be woman enough to tell him? But he's a creepy, stalker type vibe guy and I'd be afraid, very afraid.

In another news, I'm pretty sure that I may have gotten caught in my moment last night. Major downfall to living in your dad's house is that he doesn't respect your area (even when you are paying $425 in rent ...), so he wanders. It was 10 - everyone was in bed and it had been a good day, I deserved a little home-spun loving. So as the sweet humming was going and I was reaching my climax, the shuffle of feet and a faint, "what?" was heard which ended what was sure to be an amazing orgasm. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Last night I was supposed to go to the gym, but just didn't make it there - instead I chowed on a subway sub. Guess I better pack that bag and high tail it right about now - but not until I get my coffee, got a distinct feeling today is a day I'm going to need it.

Don't feel like working ...

Can you tell I don't feel like working? Thank goodness I brought my laptop to work so they can't trace back to me - just to cover basis I'm stealing the internet from the design firm upstairs.

Well I officially signed off and hide my profile on match - sending all the mr.potentials my "real" email. Even sent a "Last Chance" email to the ex. Told him that he looked good, I was high tailing it off of match because I thought it sucked and that I'd hoped we could see eachother. Told him I still hang at our old stomping ground, if he ever needs a drink and I'm there - I'll buy. Aren't I sweet?

Also (because I'm a bad girl! someone spank me! - wait, resolution) - text messaged #3 our little game we play and he bit on it. Not the type of biting I'd like, ie setting up another time we could see eachother but maybe he's not feeling so guilty about our misadventures and I can try this piercing thing out one last time (or multiple times - my excuse is we are friends, technically a "committed" relationship - no?). Actually, let's be honest - the truth is I haven't actually ho-ed around that much and if I'm going to put a notch in my lipstick case (go Pat Benatar!), it better be on more than one occassion - plus I'm a good kisser, I'm a good lay, I give great head - all three of which were terribly off that night and I don't need that reputation!

I don't know what was up the last few days, but I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my old shoes again. My sense of worth is back a bit too which is nice. Something I forgot to post about new years, was that at one point he asked what I was thinking - and I told him honestly, damn my legs look good! As I was at the gym this morning I stood in my towel and thought the same thing for the first time since the "event." Just no tequila - that crap holds water like there's no tomorrow.

Side note: I'm a big fan of magazines, at one point, I will open up my own and fill it with "real" woman who write all my stories and not the "lose the flab - feel fab" bullshit I keep reading in the pubs these days. Well, I was browsing through Ad Age's supplement this month and they had a write up on one of the co-founders of a new pub called Tango. It's about relationships, I signed up to get it so I'll let you all know what I think.

Rambling, rambling, rambling. Must be the combination of the nicotine and caffine (I'm doing better smoking, I swear!)

TGIF!

Thank god it's Friday cupcake! Geez. This week went by pretty fast; however, I'm glad it's the weekend.

I've decided to ditch match.com - I've had three potential guys, not worth the money - let me tell you! I've decided I will email all of them today (including the ex that never emailed me back) with my normal information and then get the high hell out of there! That's what I get for believing love could be found online.

Still no word from #3, I'm toying with the idea of texting him today one of our normal flirtations, but the fear of not getting a response is killing me. I should just do it. I'm sick of the teacher - don't call me 40 times a day dude! You don't drink, smoke or have sex - no interest. Mr. Delafield sent me a rather snotty email and I'm over that.

#1 text messaged me last night, that he knows I don't want him in my life but he's there to talk if I need it. The funny thing is that I do miss him a bit - but it's so hard to distance yourself from someone like him and it just perpetuates the situation. Hmmm. What to do? I'm not at all attracted, yet keep going back. It's not like BZ's Mr. Big (I think #3 fits that category) - it's more like an insane addiction of hope that someone at some point could want me.

The not drinking thing has been going pretty well (minus tequila on Wednesday) and the smoking this is really cut back. I've been doing the AM/PM gym thing, so sticking with that and have not gotten any since the New Year's incident. Overall, I think that the resolution thing is still going well - then again, we are only on day six.

I researched Canada again last night, I'm not sure if I could pull it off or not. Better wait and save some dough - which leds to getting an additional job or getting a new one. Review is next Wednesday, so maybe the money situation will be okay. Who knows these days?

The month of yes is a crock of ----. I've opted to not do it now - too many complications and no more destructive relationships!

I probably screwed myself from getting any this weekend, shaved this morning at the gym - a girl can dream can't she?

Tequila ....

Wow, tequila is not my friend. I have effectively avoided it since my 22nd Birthday - but last night was girls night and margaritas it was. Mr. Delafield is not so happy - I was supposed to meet him out, but ended up being too drunk and too tired to even call. I think this is my way of saying I'm not quite ready for a relationship. I'm toying with the idea of nix-ing myself off of match as to not be put in this position again. I think it's time since I fear even listening to my voicemails, knowing one of these lovely gentleman are not so happy with me at the moment. Eek.

Checking out jobs in Canada

I love Canada - I think it's a great place and I at some point have wanted to live and work up there for awhile. I've decided that perhaps that time is now. I checked out a bunch of jobs last night and am toying with the idea of applying.

I see this as a bit of a cop-out, running away from the little mess that I've made out of my life lately. But, it's also a complete chance of starting over, re-inventing myself. It's either this or go back to school, which isn't out of the question after dishing out a whooping $650 for student loans this month (hello deferment!).

Hey Buddy, I'm not easy!

Despite my rather randy post on New Years - I am not an easy chick; however, I'm starting to think that Mr. Other Night thinks that I am. He's feeling quite jadded that I didn't attempt to do more with him - but I'm not that type of girl, nor do I behave in public as that kind of girl (in private - once I get to know someone - I am that kind of girl).

I am so cranky today that I might just email him that. What do you think of that now kitten? The day is dragging and I can't wait to high tail it out of here and get to the gym to get this aggression out. Boxing match anyone? I think I need to cool off in the jacuzzi awhile. Deep breath.

Update on resolutions - so far so good, but who can really screw that up in only three days. I've decided (not as a resolution, just as a "new me") that I'm not going to drink anymore and I'm getting rid of the smoking with in the next couple of weeks. Time to be a good girl for real and not just pretend to be.

Four grueling hours left at work ...

Oh - There's that ego.

I've been questioning why I bothered with match at all this past month - but I haven't acted on it at all. Now, I realize why.

Last night I enjoyed myself - but still had conflicting feelings, questioning why I was doing what I was doing when I knew I wanted to be with #3 - but here I am making out with a new guy wishing it was the other one. Then it all seems to make sense when I got out of the gym and got a voicemail. The guy from last night tells me I exceeded his expectations and he had a great time. It was instant gratification, no wondering like I do with #3 to see if his conscious kicked in or not. Am I over #3? No. Am I ready to move on? No. Should I wait? No. I've waited over two years and all I get is conflicting feelings - it's time to let him know that I'm done waiting.

So my ego is back - I am sexy, I am wanted by other people. Now I'm excited to move on.

The first of the month of yes ...

The hardest part about last night was the complications with #3. It's so hard to say no to a destructive relationship when you know it's right - but it isn't. I screwed that up with my impatient nature. So here started the first date of the month of yes.

A guy from Delafield - a pretty much cutie pie - asked me out. I said yes (teacher didn't respond earlier today) because, it is the month of yes. We met at my favorite stomping ground - turns out he's actually a decent guy. I didn't flirt, I behaved - even with two huge beers in me. My thoughts drifted to the night before, no matter how his stare penetrated my eyes. Then he told me, "You know, you were wrong - your best feature is your eyes." Something I always thought and always said the guy who said it would capture my heart - and there it was, something #3 has never said. I took a deep breath and let myself go.

We went to another favorite stomping ground - which the bartender commented on how good I look - that made him smile, like yes - that's my date. He told me that I had a kick ass body, which I felt last night with #3 but the words were never spoken. I felt sexy with him, but never heard the words and here they were.

He had one too many beers (buzzed driving is drunk driving kids) and I kissed him to see what was there. I was the aggressor and it was a decent kiss. He called me five minutes later to say the biggest turn on was that I kissed him in the rain. It made me feel wanted.

No destructive relationships. I made that promise, I need to let go - but it's so hard when you feel someone is s o right and is right there. Damn it!

The month of yes continues.

The Month of YES

Okay, I've got a couple weeks of match left - and as inspired by the delightful Glamour this past month - I have opted to do a month of yes. How does this work? Well let me explain.

A woman just wrote a book called "The Year of YES" - she dated everyone who asked her out, no matter who it was. Well, honestly, I pretty much do this with whoever I meet anyhow, but I've been not so into match since teh ex failed to email back - so .... I've decided that this month I will go out with everyone who asks - why? Because I've got terrible choices in men so this will open up my opportunities. So we will see how it will go and all will be reported here - of course.

So I'm trying my best to say no to the destructive behavior - but I couldn't help but joke with #3 that he owed me flowers but I'd let it slide - over text this morning. His response was he'd see what he could do - come on Milwaukee Girl - don't get your hopes up. No destructive relationship. No destructive relationship. No destructive relationship. The more I say it, the less I believe it.

And a one and a two ...

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

As you can see it is now 4AM Milwaukee time and I am up. I did a nice bang up job in self-destruct mode within the last 13 hours. Let's see ...

I met #1 out for drinks, which led to a bit of a romp (slight sex, but didn't go very far cuz slutty didn't have condoms) and led to a half dazed ride home that I was in classic self destruction mode. Let me explain ... this often happens about twice a year, when I realize I've done quite a bit to f*ck up things for myself. Right now, I'm still at a dead end job, no relationship and hadn't had sex for over a year. When I go out, I notoriously pick up the least available guy (for instance - gay) and try my best to be the ultra-cool, doesn't care chick - which doesn't work out to well for me.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that #1 and I have a shady past - but get along well and occassionally make out. However, we've been doing this for around 7 months now and he still hasn't fessed up to his buddies - he even opted for a holiday out tonight with a girl he hates over me. When I got the message I told him no more - I need to start the new year with someone who wants to really be with me. He decided, "Sorry, that's not us."

So fast forward to hours on the way up to #3's for some skiing - I decided to erase the horrible incident with #1, I might as well have sex with #3 (because it wasn't midnight yet ...). Well, everyone ditched on skiing so we watched a movie - he asked me 1/2 a dozen times if I needed anything, I kissed him to shut him up. We started messing around for a couple hours - harmless naked play, cuddling and talking a bit. He leaned over at midnight and kissed me - happy new year. But the clock had struck 12 which meant that my new years resolution to be in a relationship before I have sex was in play. I negotiated a bit and decided it wasn't 12 in California. After finishing the movie - we headed back into his room and attempted to have sex. See, he's HUGE and pierced, which made me hurt - I hadn't had sex in a year, give me a break. It didn't work, he asked me to get on top - I fessed up that I was in pain. We laid there and he said "Don't you want your clothes?" I said "Your naked" He said "But it's my house." Clue taken. Dressed and left at promptly 2:45 without even a walk to the door. On the way back, he text messages that he was sorry. Damn straight you are - but he doesn't know why he's sorry, I looked upset. Okay - we just had sex, granted you didn't get off and I'm bleeding because you freaking split me open - but you kicked me out of your house and treated me like trash, upset - a bit!

So, I've ended that destructive relationship and I've ended #1 which means I've completely crossed out all my numbers and wiped my slate clean. So resolution to add is to have NO MORE DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS.

On that note, I've done it - yes I have made the date with the teacher - my polar opposite. Why? You might ask. Because he's my polar opposite - which means not a destructive guy (at least at the moment). Also, we've entered the month of yes - which I will explain in greater detail after the gym tomorrow.

Ick ... New Years Resolutions

I've decided I will make a few resolutions. Here they are:

(1) I just fit into my skinny jeans, I plan on buying a new pair and staying in them.
(2) I will CUT BACK on smoking, not quit.
(3) I will not have sex without being in a relationship (as long as sober, if drunk it's excuseable)
(4) For one month, everyone who asks me out - I will go out with (then report the dirty details and the fiascos here).

The end!

Why are all the good ones gay?

So maybe I did make out with someone on my birthday - but have no recollection. However, I do recall the hot guy I was making out with last night! Who was also incredibly gay, but why not? I'm still celebrating my birthday! Hopefully the end to my little dry spell will be over soon!

Post-Birthday & Happy New Year

My birthday was a blast thanks to my fabulous friends in IA, although I'm pretty sure I had alchol poisoning which made the four hour trek home horrid. If I can figure out how to post video footage on this, I'll post some great clips - for instance, the car almost exploding or getting boo-ed at karaoke :) LOL, good times, good times.

It's been over two weeks since I've even kissed a guy, so not much going on at that front - but I do have lunch with the fabulous #3 tomorrow - I'll have to buy something slutty to wear and cross my fingers this darn dry spell will end soon.

On a different front, I've got this strange habit of changing my hair when I'm trying to change my karma. For 14 years I was blonde then dyed it to brown and then to black (now it's faded back to brown). Well, I wanted to start the new year off right, which meant ditching the numbers (it's a great feeling deleting scumming boys numbers out of your phone. Are you sure you want to delete? Ummm. YES! LOL) and starting off new and changing my hair again. I didn't want to go darker then what I am now, and toyed with the idea of going blonde again - but instead I booked an appointment at a local salon and had her chop off my little-bit-longer-than-shoulder length brown hair to a nice little bob that goes from short in the back to a chin length in front. So far, so good. We'll wait to see what the pictures say though.

The day is dragging something fierce today - I should have just asked off again from work, being that we don't work tomorrow and coming back for one day seemed kind of, well, stupid. But I did it anyhow and how I'm just counting the minutes until 5:00 where I'll run out of this place so quick and try my best to not return until Tuesday.

Which brings us to the New Year - 2006 is on the horizon and I'm toying with the new year's resolution fiasco. I could quit smoking, I could do the weight-loss thing, could cut back on the drinking a bit and so on or I could just skip it and wing it for the next year, choices, choices and more choices.

Happy Holidays no more, Happy Birthdays instead

A congratulations is in order. Successfully, I got through the weekend and the family events with little utterance of where is my significant other. Amazing. Most of the focus was on my sister and where her boyfriend was - which made me pretty happy - but her not so much since they aren't going through an easy time.

Dogsitting is done with, all the presents are opened, 1/2 the stuff put away and the pure exhaustion of the weekend at an end (tell that to the bags under my eyes). All and all it's been a great Holiday.

Now comes the yearly test of the who's who in friendships - my birthday. The one awkward item was my cousin bringing up my forgotten birthday which my mom takes offense to (I do so much for you to feel special - you're the only one that remembers, come on it's a crappy day) and decides to be upset with me the rest of the day yesterday - but different story. If you know anyone that is a christmas baby, the days between christmas and their birthday are crucial and a fine line to walk on. Tred easily. In my case, my friends know that I will be in IA over the day, so they SHOULD call tonight and ask me out for a drink. But these are my friends, who aren't the most unselfish people on the planet, so they'll be forgiven for "forgetting" until Thursday. But Thursday is the last day. :)

In a slight change of topic, cutie from HC got my picts - and hasn't emailed back. Up to plate, ball coming your way and STRIKE. Maybe i should get a haircut. No word still from the lovely ex either. Bah humbug.

On to dropping the dog at doggie day care then working out and going to the gym.

Active with in 24 and no response :(

I logged on to match today - and right in front of me, his profile, "Active with in 24 hours" I had three new emails that I wasn't able to read. I signed up. No response from him. I just paid $30 freaking bucks for nothing!

No more drinking ... until tonight.

The wonderful and lovely friend from IA informed me of my last post on Tuesday night, all of which I don't remember writing. That's when you know it's time to put down the beer and switch to the martinis.

Cutie from HC sent more pics, and he is really cute except I think the puppy is cuter :) Ah well. He's got a busy week, as do I, since I'm dog sitting as of 5:00 tonight until I leave for IA. Still have to get that holiday shopping done tomorrow. Thank goodness tomorrow is an off day from work and I only have family to buy for.

#4 called on Tuesday night, I've opted to not return his call. That's over and done with. #3 has also been in contact while on the slopes in Michigan and doing the normal drive 4 hours to see him thing. #2 will be home tomorrow, though will be disappointed when I tell him I'm venturing to IA alone, #1 and I have been in our normal conversations every night but haven't seen eachother since "the incident." We've both been busy, so forgiveable - plus I've already slept with him years ago and don't want to be tempted down that path unless I reach the dreaded year and a half mark (tarot lady said dry spell will be ending before that - here's hoping). #5 has been MIA, a bunch of phone tag but no real conversation.

On the new front - hopefully cutie from HC will soon graduate to number status, as he's definitely someone I'd like to hang out with. The teacher, well- that's another miss phone call thing and me being to busy and too afraid to contact him back. New guy in IA will be interesting, though let's be honest, I'm not REALLY going to sleep with him - but it would be nice to be felt up :) Here's my boob - just grab that for my birthday present.

Tonight is martini night and a friend from work will be on my side of the "hood" - because the ritzy town I live in can almost be called that - so I'm going to con her in to one martini with me at the lovely stomping ground. I'm not hoping for any ass tonight, because I've got the dog to look after, which the cats will just love when they find out she'll be spending the night in town.

And let's not forget the anticipation of family events this week. Saturday will be Mom's side of the familly, of which we are the crazy ones. Grandma informs me that events are so much more vibrant when I'm around because of my stories. Sunday will be Dad's house with the bros and sis, then off to the aunt's house for a night cap and bringing back the pooch to Whitefish Bay only to drop her at Doggy Day Care by 9:15 on Monday morning. Then it's Birthday celebration with Dad, go to Iowa, eat at the Irish Democrat and Happy Joe's Taco Pizza (my birthday mandatories), hang out with my beautiful should-be-neice, get scolded by mom & dad for purchasing WAY too many presents for her (she's honestly the cutest baby ever!) - so many that I'm not so sure how I will pack clothes for IA (mainly because my car is a living disaster), a night of karoke and a hung over return home on Wednesday for Birthday celebration with Mom and a return to work on Thursday. Now tell me that won't result in some kind of hilarious stories for posting.

And then there is Tuesday, in which I will be a whole freaking quarter-of-a-century old, with a dry spell of 14 months and no boyfriend to speak of. Which is an emminent nervous breakdown and a night of way too many cosmos, only to pick up the pieces and hope to not remember. Hell, there's always the next year. My birthday wish: that this year won't repeat into next year with another 12 months to the total.

Post to yah later.

Buzzed up with nothing to do ...

Today is a day for celebrating. It was bonus day at work, which means I'm able to get to work tomorrow by filling my tank and buy holiday presents for everyone. However, not the day to celebrate in the sense that cutie from HC did not show up. All I can sense is that he may not have been online or not been able to open my pics (as the teacher wasn't able). Though my lovely friends from IA have made sure that I won't be alone on my bday, as their friend will be showing up, whom I had a lovely conversation with on the phone. The downfall, is they've told him I was gorgeous - which I'm cute, but not gorgeous, the good up is that he is particularly easy - which means hello! penis on my birthday :) Here's hoping.

It's 1/2 hour until the finale of nip/tuck and I need a sober up shower. Though I met the nicest man at the stomping ground, and wouldn't feel 1/2 bad if he was the cutie from HC because I had lovely conversation. The nice part of my personality is that I easily get along with others and therefore enjoyed talking to him. Hopefully, he'll pop online and get this message! Not only dirt here, but nice things as well.

Back to a much needed shower and some online holiday shopping ...

Relationship 101

It may be my twisted sense of reality, or what not, but here's my definition of relationships that you'll see used through out this blog.

"Friend" - Literally, a friend. No making out, no hand holding - although spooning with them is not something I would say no to.

"Go to Guy" - A friend who I may make pretend to be my boyfriend to get myself out of a jam. Probably not making out - but something I might consider once the martinis hit.

"Make Out Buddy" - Sometimes a title used in conjunction with the Go to Guy, but generally a guy that has just come on the market, or I've dated in the past that I make out with on a pretty regular basis.

"Seeing" - No commitment, usually in conjunction while going out with other guys too. This is an iffy category, because some people use seeing as a more commitment toned word, I don't.

"Dating" - A good handful of commitment here. Usually will say "boyfriend" but not all the time.

Hope that helps!

Bah-Humbug

Cutie from HC has not replied all weekend, so I doubt that he will show tonight for a beer. Just in case I've gone with the conservative meets semi-slutty look. Black pants, killer heels, a semi-low cut top and totally diva-d out curly hair. While looking hot, I'm not feeling so much that way these days.

#4 (thankfully!) has not called. I don't want to have that akward conversation anyhow with him. No hearings from the others, and my email box has resepectfully been kept empty over the last days. All attributing to my less than sexy self and my job has not helped at all this week either. Normally, I'm not cranky at work, but lately I have been. Partly because of the season is my guess, as I have yet to shop due to have only $4 in my checking account. My anniversary at work was today and not so much as a congratulations has been uttered - not that I had expected it, it just would have been nice. My formal review will not take place for another month at least, but I've already been told that no raise is in sight. I can't honestly say that all these factors give me the want to put in a 12 hour plus day.

Thursday begins a week of dog sitting, which I'm not all that thrilled about either. At some point I must grow a spine and say no. I had explained earlier that I could not do it, as I was visiting my friend for my birthday, but still got sucker punched into it anyway. How does my head stay up so high without a spine to hold it there?

In view of the season, bah-humbug! to today. It's only 8:30 and I could already go for a cigarrette and a drink, but the temperature is weighing in at single digits and the heels I'm wearing won't support my weight for very long.

So raise your glasses in a toast to a less than thrilling time of year!

The countdown begins

Nothing too involving going on lately except match has decided to not forward any emails to me since my subscription was up. What does that mean? I'll have to pay to see if my dear ex emails me, I know I have two sitting in the box and I've been contemplating entering those lovely 16 digits of my check card into the system to see if it could be his response to me, but I've resisted. It says he has not been active in more than three weeks, which to me means that those emails are from the baffling idiots that continue to write.

I guess I'm not all in the mood for serial dating, especially when the response has been only weilding idiots who seem to not read the profile. Do I smoke? Yes. Do I drink? A tad bit more than I should. Do I own a cat? Two in fact. Do I have tattoos? Again, two in fact. So what makes the non-smoker, non-drinker, non-cat lover and don't mark your body dudes email me? Pure stupidity is my guess.

An update on guys by numbers, I finally put the pieces together. When the holiday party ended on Friday night #4 went missing from point A to point B (both located in the same restaurant I might add). He came up with an elaborate, too-much-to-drink story of how he and a friend had almost got arrested in the lobby of the hotel (the middle points between A and B). This sounded weird to me, but I sent him to the bar for a cocktail instead of insisting he fess up to the truth. Moments later, he had remarked that his ex-fiancee lived around the corner from the bar and I had noticed her number up on his phone. Call time coincided with his friend calling at point A and then re-calling at point B (she was sandwiched between). It was a good thing a couple co-workers were too shit faced to return to their places, that they slept on the hotel room floor because this dry spell is bound to come to an end soon. He tried, without merit, to get on me that night - but my intuition said no. Well done conscious, because as I'm reviewing the video footage from the after party, I realize that he left the building and returned smoking (none the less, one of MY) cigarettes. Now, I might be jumping the dock here, but I do believe there is a better chance he left to hook up with the ex in between A & B instead of the phoney arrested story. He has informed me that he was previously involved with still sleeping with her, so I don't believe this to be a long stretch. Not to mention that he is like me and, right in front of him, I called the teacher & the wonderful #3 who resumed conversation with me earlier in the week.

Perhaps I should just venture over to the local porn store and buy myself a new vibrator - as I feel like I'm running out of options. I no longer have interest in almost all my numbers and match doesn't seem to give me the fix it did a couple years ago. Instead, I'm just tired and incredibly horney with nothing to do but take care of matters myself. I was recently at the store and found a new line of vibrators that twitched every which way and of course, I could antee up and get the rabbit from my much loved sex and the city, but I do believe I would be like Charlotte and never venture out of my PJs or my bedroom.

I have decided to email the pictures to cutie in HC with a note that says if he likes them to meet me at my favorite stomping ground tomorrow between 6 and 730 for a beer and he can hit on me then. It just seems odd to say that we met on-line, when a better fabricated story could involve my favorite place with a beer special.

That would be it for now. Be safe and for godsake wrap it up :)

Eeee Gad

With the holiday party over, I thought I would get some nice shots to send to cute HC guy - turns out my brand new dark hair also came with a double chin. I guess there's no way to get out of this one - it's how I look. Here's hoping it looks okay to him.

One Hell of a Party.

The holiday party was a blast last night, everyone enjoyed themselves; although #4 got a bit of what was coming to him. After arriving an hour late to the party, I managed to leave him talking to random people while I managed the event. We had dinner and he made remarks about the evening. I finally turned to him after an hour and a half and told him that at any moment he could tell me I looked nice. Really isn't that meaningful when you have to prompt though. I managed to address several issues with him, the first being that NOTHING was going to happen - I felt bad ditching him so that was why he was there. I told him I wasn't okay with being ignored and stood up over the last three weeks and reinforced to him that I am a great person and he's f*cking it up. He told me "You just don't understand how busy I've been and you have no idea what my feelings are for you." With my hand over my heart I told him "You have no idea that I can read you like a book and you're playing with me." I walked away, he flirted with guys and girls.

At the party there was a tarot card reader and I got my cards read with a co-worker. She informed me to stay away from #4, that I've had a long dry spell (yet again, even the tarot card reader can see the desperation in my soul). She told me I have a kind spirit; however, I'm lonely. It was a face-the-facts moments for me. I can date as many people as my datebook allows, but the truth is that I am very lonely. She also told me that I tend to have horrible gay-dar. :) So funny because I"ve dated several guys who I thought might be gay - including #4!

She also told me that someone from my past will be coming back into my life, which shocked me since I emailed my ex the other day (update: no reply but no rejection notice either -score?). She said that I will find someone with in the next couple months.

So the party was good. I dropped #4 at his car this morning and told myself there would be no more communication. I'm done. There's always cutie from HC cand the new guy.

Within the next couple days I'm going to have to update boys by numbers, because there isn't too many left!

#1 does owe me drinks and appetizers all night since #4 didn't even get a handful of boobs. Now that's a score.

Boys by Numbers

When they say "when it rains it pours" and "it'll come when you're not looking" - they aren't kidding.

After being single for a year I started whipping my ass back in shape and getting back the confidence that my last relationship seemed to drain every ounce out of.

In the meantime, I've opted to start seeing some people - but not in the commitment sense, in the serial dating sense. To protect all parties (including myself), I've opted to tone the boys down to number categories to help everyone follow.

#1 - Category: Ex-"Seeing," now "Make Out Buddy." Girls are dumb and here I prove it. Two years ago we saw each other for about eight months, until one night he sat down and told me he was ready for a girlfriend - it just wasn't me. He's the only guy I've ever cried over. We hadn't talked for a couple of years, when he called a couple of months ago I wasn't sure if I should pick it up - but I did. Nothing had changed with him and we started hanging out again.

#3 - Category: Friend. To be more specific - friend of an ex-boyfriend, who should have been my boyfriend. Yikes. That says all the drama right there.

#4 - Category: Make Out Buddy? 100% opposite of what I'm attracted to - but about a 10 on the hotness scale. Nice guy, around my age. I figured my "type" of guy wasn't really working out for me - so why not try this one out if he was interested.

#5 - Category: Friend. Again, I've known him for around four years and we've always flirted. He is a dirty boy though - again, slept with a handful of my friends. We recently started hanging out again and I'm just trying to piece through the flirty bullshit right now.

So those are the main players as of late, I'm hoping to tone down the list a little bit - but in the mean time I'm dabbling into the fun of it.

Decision Made.

I've opted to still bring #4 with me to the party. I better look damn smoking hot and he is NOT spending the night! The problem is everyone has a date and we have a smaller office, which means it's not really hanging out with co-workers, it's a nice night out with a significant other in the company of your co-workers. No babysitting permitted. In further complication - he called to ask what the plan was for tomorrow and then DIDN'T freaking pick up. I'll blame this mishap on a freak accident where both his hands fell off from too frequent masturbation since we are obviously not doing anything!

In sad, sad, sad other news. I've still been checking my email countless times to see if Dr. Dreamy had emailed me back - but no such luck. I guess it's better than receiving the rejection notice. I'm just hoping at some point he replies. I only signed up for the free trial - and now email communication is null and void; however, I will pay the $40 if he seems interested.

In better news, cuite from HC has a name and a real email in which we have been communicating back and forth through. Hopefully, I'll be able to have some really hot shots taken tomorrow to send to him and we can get together.

Sadly, there will be no post tomorrow as I go into micro-manager mode for the event; but, there is likely to be one hell of a juicy story to tell on Saturday morning after my post-hangover drinking schpeel.

Waiting sucks.

You've probably guessed by now that my little find last night still has not replied to my email - although, I have checked it around 50 times just to be sure. Cutie pie from HC hasn't either. eek. Can anyone say DRY SPELL?

#4 called today, finally. How funny is it that our party is only two days away and he "conveniently" had to see a "head hunter" at 12:00 when he called me at 11:58. I ignored the call. His message, "Just trying to plan for Friday." F-you buddy.

Being faced with the fact that I may be the only one there with out a date, I am playing with the idea of looking incredibly hot and not paying him a bit of attention. But who knows.

In my ideal fantasy world I would have gotten an email today saying "I miss you too." and he would have gone to the party and we would have had amazing sex and lived happily ever after for a couple of months. Looks like that probably won't happen though. So the decision lies on bring #4 or go by myself. Decisions, decisions.

OH MY!

A short history about me ... a few years back I tried to have a one night stand with a charming construction worker. Needless to say, it didn't work out so much that way and turned out to be a small dating fiasco. Fiasco in the sense that his fiancee called my cell to say stop f*cking with her man. One year later he turns up where I'm working and we end up seeing eachother for a bit as friends. He gets drunk, tries to move it to the next level, I flip. No talk since, but I always think about him because we just clicked so well. I rate all other guys to him, and he's established my fetish for older guys that are balding.

So, I'm checking on my HC cutie who has not responded to my emails and it says, "Others who you might like ..." and there he is. I don't believe it, but there are his tattoos that I touched so many times and the smile I recognized with the cutie nephew in hand and I nearly burst with a smile. I drop an email - You don't need to be here. I miss you. My name. I don't know what will be worse - him not replying and not knowing or the anticipation of seeing him again if at all possible. Oh my, oh my. The next days will be deadly.

The levels of anger

I used to be a really pissy person, I'd like to think I'm incredibly laid back for the most part nowadays; however, I'm completely intolerant on neglegent idiots.

Here is how I'd like to qulity my lovely levels of anger:

Level One: Perturbed. Something you said didn't sit quite right with me - but I'll pretend it didn't happen.
Level Two: Irritated. You've done something to crawl under my skin, give me an hour and I'll be over it.
Level Three: Angry. You've done something that really has me a bit hot headed. Say your sorry and we'll move on.
Level Four: Pissed. You better have your story straight, because I'm not really into you very much right now.
Level Five: Pissy. Leave me alone, send flowers. Apologize like there is no tomorrow. You owe me dinner and you are still not getting any.
Level Six: Bitch. Don't talk to me at all. It's going to take a good couple of months for me to get over what you did.

#4 has successfully scaled to level five, tettering on level six. Times like this wish i could believe that women weren't so moody and would be a better match. I'd be an awesome lesbian.

Phone Conversation w/Teacher

Checklist for Potential Date:

Witty
Smart
Conversationalist
Not Boring
Humorous
Drinking Bud
Imagine myself having sex

Teacher guy:
Okay - witty, check. Smart, really check. Conversationalist, yup. Not boring? Maybe a bit. Okay a little more than a bit. Humorous, not really. Drinking buddy? Doesn't drink. Sex? That's a BIG no.

Ah well!

Followed by the F*cking Bastard

What the hell is so hard about calling and telling someone you aren't going to make your date? #4 is a fricking idiot and, turns out, not at all the sweetheart I thought he was. I take it back - I'm the fricking idiot for still dealing with him! Damn it. This is when I need my girl from IA to get her butt up here and knock some damn sense into me. I guess that's enough swearing for this paragraph ...

So, thought I was supposed to go out with #4 last night. He called at noon, said he had to work - he'd call me at 9:00. Well, at 1:00 I text messaged him "So we're not going out?" No response. You'd think he'd at least call to say sorry, but nope! This tops the cake, now I definitely don't want him at my holiday party because I might make the mistake of getting it on with him. Lord knows I need a big freaking beer right now!

In other news, cute HC guy emailed me back. Turns out he's really cute and really funny. He's definitely someone I want to meet; however, I'm going to need to get a couple new pics of me before that. Perhaps tonight can be karoke, one-too-many-beers night. Wait, karoke would mean I might have the chance to run into #4 whom I just might spill a beer on. Bastard (have I mentioned that?).

Also cute, smart guy emailed me back - but he's really smart. He's way over the top of me smart, which means I might not like him all that much. I much rather perfer dumb guy conversation to smart guy - it always errupts in a fight. Perhaps I need to just watch my temper a bit more.

Man! it's only a couple days before our holiday party and here I am with nothing! I totally thought I'd have the opportunity to get laid Friday. 14 months and counting. I don't believe I could pass my vibrator in a tux off as my date? Not really.

By the way, I've decided that Chris Isaak is a god among men. Don't you love it when you find old CDs and jam out to songs from like 5 years ago? Plus, I don't think anyone would argue that his "Wicked Games" video is freaking hot.

Persistant bastard.

I had not yet responded to the some what cute guy because I was very turned off by his visually stimulated self. Six emails in two days - not the type of guy that I want to see anyway! Finally, I emailed him this morning that I'd send pictures later. PS - leave me alone. Okay the PS was an internal thought, but it's really what I wanted to say.

On the other hand - cutie from HC has winked back so I bit the bullet and signed up for the "free trial" just to talk to him. I wrote a pretty boring email, but am way to tired to make it quirky so hit the send button anyway. Now we wait I guess.

In the meantime, another cutie teacher guy winked. Since I signed up, I thought what the hell, might as well send an email. He seems really smart, which I don't want to do a constant battle of witts with someone and he seems kind of egotistical. HC is a way better choice, but frankly my boys by numbers are all failing me right now so why not try it out. Just like brussel sprouts when I was a kid - try them you might like them. Wait a minute, I did and I didn't. Hmmm. Thought of the day.

In the final news of the day, #4 called last night and I think I might have a date with him today. I tried to dis-invite him from the holiday party, he just didn't catch the bait. I ended the conversation with "Do you work tomorrow?" "No" "Let's do something then ..." "I'll call you tomorrow" I've officially decided I'm not sleeping with him.

A wink or two or three ...

I'll admit that I did match.com as only kind of a joke, kind of an esteem booster, kind of just for the cute HC guy. I've for the most part ignored the winks and the emails just waiting to get the attention of Mr. HC. Finally, I gave up. I winked. He winked back. What does that say? We both won't pay for the service. Ah, searching sucks.

This time around I'm not getting as much attention as last time. Perhaps this is because I was butt honest in it. I openly admitted to what I want in a guy - what he would have to do - what I would do (minus the "I'm looking to get laid"). Hmmm. Bluntness really doesn't work all that well for me I guess.

In the meantime I did respond to one other guy - when he asked for more pictures I hesitated. Granted, more pics need to go up because they are the ones from the service a couple of years ago - but come on! I also don't like telling a guy "tell me about yourself because your profile has nothing" and hearing back "what do you want to know?" I'll tell you what I don't want to do - dig for answers. Come on!

Grrr. In other news, I got a surprise phone call while shopping for wine today - #4. I must admit I'm getting to the point where I don't really want him to go to my work holiday party. Barely more than 5 minutes of conversation has partook in the last two weeks of conversation and there's not the high of getting some or the free booze of going out. See, with the holiday party comes a lot of drinking, not to mention a hotel room.

I recently have been thinking about past conquests - and this might surprise you all from my talk on here - but I've slept with one hand's worth of guys. My last boyfriend was #5. So the new guy I'm with = new hand, which means maybe I just shouldn't waste it on anyone ...

Twisted thoughts, but how spectacular they are.

In the meantime, it's lights out. Gotta be to work (again, sigh) tomorrow bright and early which means I need to go to the gym when the rooster crows - or my cat licks my face - since I don't have a rooster.

Food for thought.

You checked the wrong box ...

I finally did it. Finally went back to the lovely doctor for my lovely annual exam and to get put back on the lovely birth control. To tell you the truth, the most grueling part is the part I'm referring to as the "exam" - not the feet in the stir-ups, scoot down the table exam, but the q & a I got for going to a new doctor.

There's a lovely two page "Yes" "No" survey about your history. In the "are you sexually active?" I check yes. The nurse quickly pointed out that the real answer is "no" since it's been over a year. Isn't that one a kick in the face? I wanted to explain - it's not like I haven't tried, can't we leave that one at yes - but the answer was plain and simply no.

On the match making front, nothing really going on there. Not like the experience last time where my box got flooded - maybe I was too blunt this time about what I wanted or maybe my pictures are too old. Either way, I gotta get some new ones up there and beef up the resume a bit.

On the boy front, #4 finally called yesterday after I left him not one, not two, not three but FOUR random drunk messages. I don't really remember what they said - I do remember one being a long the lines of "Listen, if this is just a booty call it needs to be double sided. I call and I get some. You call and you get some. I call and you don't answer." Hmmm. Good one Milwaukee Girl - that's the way to snag a boyfriend. On the same #4 front, I was actually out with a good friend of #4 and got some decent dirt. #4 is a player (called that one) and a man whore (kind of goes with player, but I like saying it). I had made a comment about #1 being off limits due to the fact that he's slept with all my female friends - to which she replied, "Tell me about it - that's how it is with #4." Ouch. Okay, still painful even though I knew he was getting some off of some body and it wasn't me. She then asked if we had slept together, I said no. She informed me it would be in my best interest to keep it that way. Crap.

Anyhow, we never touched on the subject of the calls from the night before when we chatted yesterday - which is all well and good, I'd like to pretend the whole thing never took place. My infactuation is wearing incredibly thin lately though - I realized he's really got nothing to offer - so why am I so anxious? He's not even my kind of hot - he's just hot. He's the "Why is that chick with him?" hot and I consider myself to be a decent looking chick kind of hot.

I think he basically called to touch base to make sure he was still going to my work party. To tell you the truth I actually scrambled for a different date and that didn't pan out to well. It was too last minute. Oops, guess that's my fault for even asking - I should've gone by myself. Guess I'm about two weeks late on that call though.

The dating pool is kind of dry right now, just not dry but all out boring. To each his own I guess. Damn hororscope told me I'd find love soon - screw love, I just want a little darn attention!

Shaved and no place to go

As a much wiser friend has informed me, never shave your legs if you want to get some - because then it won't happen. Here I am all shaved, with no place to go. (Sigh) I actually just did it because my oil change didn't happen and I had a couple hours to burn before I wound up back at work to continue on with my mentoring program. I wasn't in much of a gym mood and more into the article on why this chick left scientology. That's a whole different story for a whole different blog - as it has nothing to do with martinis, sex or me.

I was hoping to do a little karoke tonight (a great past time, I must admit) - but perhaps for the better as there's a good chance #4 might saunter in and I've decided to play hard to get. That means no phone calls! Number is deleted from the phone so now it's just resisting the urge to hit "accept" when it rings. Not that he would call. Because he won't.

I was reading an article on players and it turns out I'm not - because the first major sign that someone is happens to be that they don't pick up the phone, they wait for a couple of messages and then they may return it. I always answer.

On other terms, in case I haven't mentioned before, I have a habit of changing my hair color when I get frustrated. I ditched the bottle blonde about six weeks ago (i've had it for around about 14 years) and went to a light brown. Just four days later, I ditched that for a reddish brown, about one week later I went for a soft black. Well, just like these lovely numbers I deal with, the color has started to fade (much like my patience ...) and my frustration got to me. I went back to the black, which turned more into a dark brown - but hell, that's okay.

So here I am, it's almost 8:00 and I'm sitting at work with shaved legs and a new hair do, hoping to get home sometime tonight .... of course, with nothing to do except get pissed that #4 has not called and I didn't have a chance to hit "Reject."

The Most Amazing Sex ....

Those of you who actually know #1 will be excited to know that I just had the most amazing sex .... with myself. No phone call and plus, no-fuss no-mess and still been a year and counting ... Glorious, glorious, glorious.

Not much to update today. I started adding swim to my workout, it's been refreshing - I was getting bored with the normal routine. I also took a week off and have been feeling not-so-hot and decided I better start firming up with the christmas party just around the corner (10 days and couting -eek!).

Slight guy update ... still don't know what the hell is going on in #4's mind. He wasn't kidding when he said he was going to push me away, I've about had it to boot. #1 and i have survived hands off for a week and not seen eachother today so there was no sex. I text messaged #3 to no reply, so that's completely through. #2 rearranged his schedule to be here on my birthday, so we are both going to Iowa together - should be awesome, I love spending time with him. #5 is still mad - claims I'm just a tease. Dirty, dirty boy.

Couples fighting or making out

I traveled west last night to see a beloved friend who just moved some what back home. I arrived to couple kingdom, basically the only single female among them. The night wasn't exactly how I had forseen it going - but it was a good time.

One too many bud lights later - I realized just how single I was. I was talking about some of my earlier experiences with the man juggling, only to have some of the girls look at me and say "How do you do that?" In complete confusion. My secret, I admitted, was I don't have sex with any of them - those it was looking up for #4 until later that night.

See, as the hours were coming down to bar close I was getting a little - shall we say, rambuncious, and made my call to dear #4. Who instructed me that his day was long but we could hang out. The hours kept passing by and the lovely jack a** never called! Grrr.

So that has left me with today with a sweet nicotine headache and a pure want of getting some. So I called #1. I've finally come to the realization that none of these guys are good guys and I just want to have a good time - with out my number going up. See I've accomplished one hand worth of guys and I'm not sure I want to move onto the second hand with out the guy being my boyfriend. In walks Mr. Reliable and I've propositioned him for an afternoon of a good-time, no-strings-attached afternoon. We shall see and I shall post the results.

'Tis the Season ...

Welcome to the "Hi, I'm still single" holiday season. It's the time where we see family and friends that we haven't seen in awhile - all the while. The enevitable question will be asked, the enevitable answer will be given and everyone, including myself, will hang their head in disbelief. Them because every holiday for the past five years has been the same way (even when I did have a boyfriend in tote), and me because they still need to ask.

Besides family and friend functions - there is also work. The glorious holiday party at a small-service agency, like mine, is the most dreadful part of being single. When you only have 17 employees - two of which are married to each other, everyone pretty much brings a date. This year the added pressure is on because I planned it.

I finally buckled down about a week ago and asked #4 to join me, he agreed. Score. Date done. Of course, there is that hotel room at the end of the night and the promise that I won't have sex with anyone unless I'm in a committed relationship blocking my way. And not that I'm quiet about my rendevous, but there's always the introduction factor to my co-workers significant others. How do I say it as not to put Mr. No-Commitment not on edge but appease my co-workers with warm fuzzy thoughts that I'm settling down?

"My date" is too formal and too sixth-grade. "My boyfriend" off kilter and off base, not to mention anthrax in the palm of this guy's hand. The best I can come up with is, "This is #4" and let the enevitable "How did you guys meet?" question come into play. I can see the evening now. My conservative boss's even more conservative wife askes the question of death - "How did we meet? Well, I was trashed at this white-trash bar and in he walked. Too many beers allowed me to reasonably believe that I was the hottest chick in the bar, so I should reasonably hit on the hottest guy. I gave him my number, he called. We went out, he woke up naked and I was 1/2 naked." On second thought, perhaps "Singing karoke" is a better answer.

Weekend Antics

There are days I really have to question my behaviors.

I'll spell it out pretty plain and simply - I don't want to be single anymore! I want to have a consistency in my life that means I get to laugh, cry, cuddle and for gods sake - HAVE SEX! So why, oh why do I attract the guy that sees me as "good enough" and not "enough."

A good possibility is my behavior, and I completely admit to it. The truth is I really do like #4, besides not being my type; however (this is the part that stings) he has told me not just once, but twice, that he doesn't want a relationship. With this in mind, I go out with #1 - who told me the same thing when we started seeing eachother two years ago. A noon trip to the bar may have been what our schedules called for - but not the best for an oh-so Catholic guilty conscious (and I'm not even Catholic ...).

The logistics of this encounter is this - #1 informed me that his current status is that he's seeing someone, not just anyone but a dirty-little secret someone (him not her). I moped about #4 and asked him why I couldn't just find a guy that dug me (response, for all those caring, "stop looking" - reply, for those wanting, that's how I found him!). Moments later the phone rang, it was #4. During our conversation we had a couple of shots (me & #1) and while on hold - we did a little making out. Fast forward 1/2 hour or so, back at his place for a little oral. I had an appointment, so me and my conscious left. My brain told me it was okay, because #3 has said no relationship, my heart called me a dirty slut. The solution? Have #4 come over and see if the sparks fly.

The don't. I haven't been drinking, he has. The smell of booze is not that intoxicating when you don't smell like it too. Another no-cum blow job and a night of sleeping results in an akward morning - and no phone call since.

Lesson of the day? Pants stay zipped 24 hours in between boy encounters. Second lesson of the day? Stop f*cking looking!