Back to single I guess. The BF broke up with me last night, looked me in the eyes and said he didn't love me - he hasn't. It's the worst thing anyone could say.
While I write not-so-awesome things a lot of the time, I don't focus on the many oh-so-right things. But my actions have consequences and I have to realize that. I tried all I could and got nothing. The heart break is extreme, I even have constant heart burn. But what can you do or say to take away anything? nothing.
I wanted one last hug, one last moment of affection and I just got "I don't love you." I don't think I believe it.
What will we do with our house? The dog? The trip to vegas in September? I can't help the tears anymore. All I can do is try to not let them keep coming.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Can I skip the "married" part of co-habitating?
If I don't get sex soon I might go crazy.
The BF fell asleep in the basement, which gave me the whole bed and major flashbacks of the insane sex I'd have with RS. God, against the wall - on the floor - the touching, kissing. If I kiss the BF he does it ridiculously sloppy, more goofy than loving.
Ugh, the memories. Getting wet just thinking about it ...
The BF fell asleep in the basement, which gave me the whole bed and major flashbacks of the insane sex I'd have with RS. God, against the wall - on the floor - the touching, kissing. If I kiss the BF he does it ridiculously sloppy, more goofy than loving.
Ugh, the memories. Getting wet just thinking about it ...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
When Love Isn't Enough
Dating a man with a 7 year old is completely different than dating one with a 10 year old. In the last 2 years the problems with his child have been super charged with the onset of hormones - and I feel trapped.
2 years and he has yet to attend a real holiday with my family. The only holidays I get are the ones where his ex-wife's family are not participating. Grandpa's birthday, family picnic, Fourth of July. That's what I get. In the meantime the Christmases, Easters, Thanksgivings and more go there and I am torn between the two. Either I skip my family and just attend his or face the guilt trip when I'm at my parents' houses and end up doing two in a row.
I thought, finally after two years, we reached a new point - the point when he was spending one major holiday with my family. And then it fell apart.
He told his ex-mother in law that they would be spending Easter with my family due to the fact it was six days away and he had yet to hear plans from them. She agreed saying she "understood that holidays need to be split at this point in your relationship."
Then on Wednesday I get a call from the ex-sister in law, "Easter is going to be at our house - I know you are going to your parents but I just wanted to extend the invite for you to come here if you want."
I couldn't help but feel set up in away. I do know she meant no harm in the invite - but here it was, the first "real" holiday with my family and she knows we made plans, yet drops the hint that "we" can change our minds. I talk it over with the BF and he opts to go there being that the menu won't suit his 9 year old and there are no kids his age to play with. I concede, because that's what I do.
He, however, does not inform his ex mother in law of the decision. The one, as noted above, who said she understood the need to split holidays. On Friday he receives a call from her house from his child stating that he doesn't want to go to my family and he's decided that we need to go to theirs.
I was angry. Not only is this the bomb-drop right after I've put up with anal sex, but he openly admits that it's a complete set up from his "mom" - as he calls her. That was it. Sitting in half pain and half anger, one step from crying due to hormones raging from my period, shaking and I just gave him the look that clearly stated, "You asshole." It started off as a normal conversation but soon esculated. I tried to explain my side but he stated I was being "combative" because I had already agreed that he could go to their family. I decided to just throw in the towel. No more expectations on him EVER being there.
In the meantime I'm trying to figure out the entire picture. The holiday issue is just the latest blue monkey in the entire barrel. We've been banned from having kids by his nine year old and even getting married. Yes, by a nine year old. We have constant battles over the lack of discipline and chores for him. And the situation keeps going.
I do not question the amount of love I have for this man. I do question if I'm set up to be in this relationship. There is too much closeness with a family that is not his and no willingness to embrace mine. I'm not sure I can deal with his out-of-control son any more, wanting to not come home when he is around.
And there is nothing I can do since I make no extra money at my current job. I can choose to move in with family and give up my pets or I can choose to keep what I have and deal with the insanity of my situation. It's sad that I went from being independent to now being so dependent.
2 years and he has yet to attend a real holiday with my family. The only holidays I get are the ones where his ex-wife's family are not participating. Grandpa's birthday, family picnic, Fourth of July. That's what I get. In the meantime the Christmases, Easters, Thanksgivings and more go there and I am torn between the two. Either I skip my family and just attend his or face the guilt trip when I'm at my parents' houses and end up doing two in a row.
I thought, finally after two years, we reached a new point - the point when he was spending one major holiday with my family. And then it fell apart.
He told his ex-mother in law that they would be spending Easter with my family due to the fact it was six days away and he had yet to hear plans from them. She agreed saying she "understood that holidays need to be split at this point in your relationship."
Then on Wednesday I get a call from the ex-sister in law, "Easter is going to be at our house - I know you are going to your parents but I just wanted to extend the invite for you to come here if you want."
I couldn't help but feel set up in away. I do know she meant no harm in the invite - but here it was, the first "real" holiday with my family and she knows we made plans, yet drops the hint that "we" can change our minds. I talk it over with the BF and he opts to go there being that the menu won't suit his 9 year old and there are no kids his age to play with. I concede, because that's what I do.
He, however, does not inform his ex mother in law of the decision. The one, as noted above, who said she understood the need to split holidays. On Friday he receives a call from her house from his child stating that he doesn't want to go to my family and he's decided that we need to go to theirs.
I was angry. Not only is this the bomb-drop right after I've put up with anal sex, but he openly admits that it's a complete set up from his "mom" - as he calls her. That was it. Sitting in half pain and half anger, one step from crying due to hormones raging from my period, shaking and I just gave him the look that clearly stated, "You asshole." It started off as a normal conversation but soon esculated. I tried to explain my side but he stated I was being "combative" because I had already agreed that he could go to their family. I decided to just throw in the towel. No more expectations on him EVER being there.
In the meantime I'm trying to figure out the entire picture. The holiday issue is just the latest blue monkey in the entire barrel. We've been banned from having kids by his nine year old and even getting married. Yes, by a nine year old. We have constant battles over the lack of discipline and chores for him. And the situation keeps going.
I do not question the amount of love I have for this man. I do question if I'm set up to be in this relationship. There is too much closeness with a family that is not his and no willingness to embrace mine. I'm not sure I can deal with his out-of-control son any more, wanting to not come home when he is around.
And there is nothing I can do since I make no extra money at my current job. I can choose to move in with family and give up my pets or I can choose to keep what I have and deal with the insanity of my situation. It's sad that I went from being independent to now being so dependent.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Advocating Might Not Be All It's Cracked Up to Be
The good news is that I have a job. It's for a non-profit that advocates women and minority rights. The bad news is it's 1/2 the money and the title is extremely low. It's not at all worth either. There's a ton of work, little direction, an absent minded boss and more. The other girl that was hired with me is already quitting.
In the mean time it's not so much fun struggling to pay bills, but what are you to do in such an economy?
In the mean time it's not so much fun struggling to pay bills, but what are you to do in such an economy?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Starting Work.
I start work in just under an hour today. I have mixed emotions. One one hand I'm excited that I get to work with this company, on the other hand I'm nervous about what the future holds. It's hard to think that you hit the top of your game at 27 and now at 28 you're back at post-graduate status.
Due to tuition reimbursement by my new employer, I am looking at going to school for my masters degree. I figure it will not only defer my current loan situation, easing up bills in the next years, but perhaps it will give me the additional edge I need to be successful.
Due to tuition reimbursement by my new employer, I am looking at going to school for my masters degree. I figure it will not only defer my current loan situation, easing up bills in the next years, but perhaps it will give me the additional edge I need to be successful.
Friday, March 20, 2009
God only gives us what we can handle ... right?
I'm on the verge of breaking down. The dealership wants $1200 worth of repairs on my extended warranty piece of shit car, for yet another item not covered in the "95%" of what the warranty covers. So I planned on using another source to get it fixed before I start the new job on Tuesday. I let them fix the ONE thing the warranty did covered. I called today at 3:00 to see when it would be done (they close at 4) and found out that the part didn't come ... I can't get my car until after 5 on Monday, meaning no fix on the catalytic convertor by an outside source. I feel screwed and used.
Then the BF called, he got side swiped on the way to a job at work. He ended up in the hospital with a f*cked up shoulder.
When does the bad stuff stop happening and the good stuff kick in?
Then the BF called, he got side swiped on the way to a job at work. He ended up in the hospital with a f*cked up shoulder.
When does the bad stuff stop happening and the good stuff kick in?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The low grumble in the morning.
Three dogs can be kind of a stresser. My dog is having jealousy issues on day three. Don't go by her people or a fight will ensue - but I kind of think she wants it that way, an excuse to rumble and tumble with two dogs that would prefer to just relax. That was the first low grumble.
The second was my 22 year old brother coming downstairs, turns out that the dog fighting at 6:30 this morning didn't wake him up to catch the city bus. Being that he was late, I offered to drive him to school for a second to get away from the internal grumbles in my house.
The third was my car. I love that the car I bought a year and a half ago has cost my $4,500 in repairs as of last year - I can only imagine what the roadster grumble will bring. If I didn't owe more than what the car was worth, I'd get rid of it at the first chance I had. A couple more car payments and I'll be up to par.
The fourth grumble is the fact that I'm trying to figure out what lifestyle changes need to take place when I'm making nearly 1/2 of what I did last year. I keep trying to find a way to figure out the bills so there's something leftover in the month.
The next challenge in figuring out the bills is to figure out if I should use what's left in my savings to pay off one of my credit cards, or to reserve it since there won't be excess income for emergencies. Technically, the minimum payment is $20 a month, which is what I would be saving - making the equivelant savings account be around 2 years to rebuild at only $20/month. I am looking at a credit change being that I've been living on it for the last month of unemployment. So paying off one would help my status.
Decisions, decisions.
The second was my 22 year old brother coming downstairs, turns out that the dog fighting at 6:30 this morning didn't wake him up to catch the city bus. Being that he was late, I offered to drive him to school for a second to get away from the internal grumbles in my house.
The third was my car. I love that the car I bought a year and a half ago has cost my $4,500 in repairs as of last year - I can only imagine what the roadster grumble will bring. If I didn't owe more than what the car was worth, I'd get rid of it at the first chance I had. A couple more car payments and I'll be up to par.
The fourth grumble is the fact that I'm trying to figure out what lifestyle changes need to take place when I'm making nearly 1/2 of what I did last year. I keep trying to find a way to figure out the bills so there's something leftover in the month.
The next challenge in figuring out the bills is to figure out if I should use what's left in my savings to pay off one of my credit cards, or to reserve it since there won't be excess income for emergencies. Technically, the minimum payment is $20 a month, which is what I would be saving - making the equivelant savings account be around 2 years to rebuild at only $20/month. I am looking at a credit change being that I've been living on it for the last month of unemployment. So paying off one would help my status.
Decisions, decisions.
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