I sat in the warm shower tonight, what I normally do in the morning, and did what I normally do. Reflect on the last eight years and how life could've been so different under the bellowing drops of luke warm water as the scents of soaps and shampoos permeate in the air.
I think about how different I am from 2 years ago, from 4 years ago, from 2 years ago. How different my life could have - even should have been if I had made different choices.
At the long end I think how I could have been in a marriage with a cheating husband, barefoot and pregnant with my third child. Disappointed because it was a boy. But how close I grew to my cousin because our lives shared an inevitable path of simplicity. And I shake off the bubbles and think that the choice I made was not easy, but so right.
What if I had stayed with the guitarist who's now a meth junkie and living in his car. Maybe I could have pulled him out of it and we'd be in a shitty run down house that reeked of cheap pot and heroin cooking on the stove. Me in a business suit working 80 hours a week just to not come home, focusing that frustration on the career I've always wanted.
Or if I had never started this blog and just let my anger, hurt, hopes and love just boil inside of me, I would secretly loathe my job but live a shell of existence of sweet simple life, smiling on the outside and crying on the inside.
I'm reminded ever so often of the choices I made and what could have been done to change my life today. Its not that I feel my life isn't good right now its just that you wonder how different it could be.
Instead of just nothing I'll give you something. Yes, I'm still with TW we worked things out. Instead of being the person I thought he wanted, I've gotten comfortable with being the person that I am and its helped.
On the job front I left the diversity place, and went back to an old industry. On the house front, I'm still where I was. I still have the bumpkin and the now 50lb puppy.
For the most part I'm a low-key same version of myself - though I feel old parts creep up occassionally.
I do need to vent about one thing before I leave - I throw myself out there even when I shouldn't. After a friend said she encountered my old boss at an event she mentioned she missed me. I laughed. At one point she was my dearest friend, but upon the situation of leaving my old job and her part in the events during and after, I would not think this woman cared a dime for me. I had sent several emails, including business leads that were returned short or not at all. As I see she still just lies to seem like a person she is not or to fill an empty hole that she created about the person she would like to be. In the end I realize that I can't continue to try to be a person who I am not.
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3 comments:
You're alive!! What a relief.
Wow you really need to let things with your old boss go. That was a long time ago.
Trust me - I wish I could, but every few months someone comes up to me and drags a random comment out of the weeds to share. And I loathe liars. She was at one point a person that I wanted to be like and it bugs me that it wasn't genuine. It's been a year and a half and her comments about me behind my back have been deplorable - I guess its something that will always bug me ... to know that this person was on very few times genuine and wanting to be that person.
I can't let it go, I'm not sure why ... I just can't. When she brings mutual people in to the mix it's like picking off a scab that's healing. If I never had to hear her name or be associated with her again it wouldn't bug me. But because of the circles I'm in and the circles she is in - its continual salt in the wounds. In all honesty I think part of me wants her to return to the person that I cherished - someone whose words were actually meant ... especially when she's talking to mutual friends of ours.
And part of me thinks I deserve an apology. I didn't trash talk to clients upon my voluntary resignation - in fact I sent several leads over to her for more business. Instead previous clients tell me that she informed them I slept with my clients? When I slept with exactly ZERO of my clients or to tell people that I often went out of my way to make myself look better? And even to say to someone that she misses me and wants me as a friend because she can't stand the way things ended - but then never make the steps to make that connection. And then there's the biggest lie of all which I can't legally discuss ...
Yeah its a wound that I know I should be over but I'm not quite there yet.
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