I'm not an in your face political person but I do have to make one small comment in the light of elections.
Let me preface by saying I don't want any comments about what I'm about to type saying I'm anti-Bush or what not. I'm just bringing up something I heard this morning that ticked me off.
Bush was talking about stem cell research and said something to the effect of one life should not be given to save others. If I was stuck in an elevator with Bush this is the thing I would say to him before I got off ...
If no life should be given to save others, why are we in Iraq? Embryonic cells may be innocent potential lives, but what are you doing with innocent, real, lives of our men and women?
And then I would walk out and let him ponder that thought.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I Want to Scream.
I am so irritated right now. Why speak when no one listens to what you have to say? What is the point of being a member of all these damn clubs and asked to sit it, but asked not to give your opinion. I want to yell obsenities and quit it all at this point.
And I REALLY hate the "What can you do for me?" people when they don't do a damn thing for you. F-You buddy. F-You.
And just to further my anger right now, I'm going to type obsentities below. If it offends you - don't read.
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
YOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
THAT'SRIGHTFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!
And I REALLY hate the "What can you do for me?" people when they don't do a damn thing for you. F-You buddy. F-You.
And just to further my anger right now, I'm going to type obsentities below. If it offends you - don't read.
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
YOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
THAT'SRIGHTFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!
Monday, October 30, 2006
That time of year?
So I have to do a double post based on the events in the last 2 hours. I spoke with JF and #1, both of them said the same things, "It's just this time of year that makes me want to settle down ... why can't I find that person to do this with?"
Is it "That Time of Year?" Wisconsin winters are cold - is it that warmth of a body next to you? Is it the events? What is it that makes people give mixed signals?
I've had anxiety about "this time of year" - not because of holidays or the cold, but because I tend to get in long term relationships in the month of October. I have hesitated, potentially devestating current relationships just because I didn't want a pattern. Was it not the guy, but perhaps their need for "This Time of Year?"
Is it "That Time of Year?" Wisconsin winters are cold - is it that warmth of a body next to you? Is it the events? What is it that makes people give mixed signals?
I've had anxiety about "this time of year" - not because of holidays or the cold, but because I tend to get in long term relationships in the month of October. I have hesitated, potentially devestating current relationships just because I didn't want a pattern. Was it not the guy, but perhaps their need for "This Time of Year?"
Time to just be friends.
I say that now, I know. But I think it might be that time.
I finally got the call that I can move to my new place and it came to me that maybe it's time to just change everything. I spoke with a friend of mine over the whole situation and she said this.
"It's obvious that you're emotionally connected. But you're a sexual person. You emminate it. When people look at you they see a fun, loving, sexual person. Why change who you are because you're emotionally involved with someone who is not that type of person."
I have said this and typed this numerous times. I need little things, I take that back. I have to have the little things. I'm too old to just settle for irritation. I need someone who looks at me like I happen to be the most gorgeous person in the world. I need stolen kisses. When its cold, I want that person that stands behind you to keep you warm. I want hands on my neck when we kiss because it's passion and infactuation. I want a returned f*cking email or text or phone call.
I have spent 4 months trying to get what I have to have. We've made little steps, he tells me I look nice, he even snuck a kiss to me at the bar. I need what I have in Madison, but I need it here in Milwaukee and I don't need it with RS.
For godsake - seriously, is this too much to ask? Am I being "a girl" about this situation. If I am, screw you - I have breasts ... damnit! Touch them!!
I finally got the call that I can move to my new place and it came to me that maybe it's time to just change everything. I spoke with a friend of mine over the whole situation and she said this.
"It's obvious that you're emotionally connected. But you're a sexual person. You emminate it. When people look at you they see a fun, loving, sexual person. Why change who you are because you're emotionally involved with someone who is not that type of person."
I have said this and typed this numerous times. I need little things, I take that back. I have to have the little things. I'm too old to just settle for irritation. I need someone who looks at me like I happen to be the most gorgeous person in the world. I need stolen kisses. When its cold, I want that person that stands behind you to keep you warm. I want hands on my neck when we kiss because it's passion and infactuation. I want a returned f*cking email or text or phone call.
I have spent 4 months trying to get what I have to have. We've made little steps, he tells me I look nice, he even snuck a kiss to me at the bar. I need what I have in Madison, but I need it here in Milwaukee and I don't need it with RS.
For godsake - seriously, is this too much to ask? Am I being "a girl" about this situation. If I am, screw you - I have breasts ... damnit! Touch them!!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Consequences of Emotion Over Physical
I've boiled down my current situation to go against my nature, per say.
With CB I've done a complete 180. I don't date tall guys, or young guys, or educated guys, or non tattoo-ed, non-pierced guys, and I definitely don't date cute guys. And here I am seeing a 23 year old, good looking, college educated, house owning, 6 foot something guy that has "thought" about a tattoo but would never actually do it. I've also looked for physical relationships first over emotional ones. Once again, I am now emotionally involved with no physical relationship and it's driving me insane. So that's my current issue, I'm still trying to figure out his.
I've been good this past week. I've only been with him. I was hoping that it was my closed sense that worked against me, but if I dedicated myself to him that the physical would come. This weekend was his brother's birthday and he invited me out.
This is HUGE in the sense of any relationship - I mean #1 and I have been friends for 5 some years and he's never met my siblings. I think it was a game, even though I'm told guys don't play those games, I'm pretty sure it was. What would his brothers think of me? If I got their approval perhaps I'd get his.
I played DD all night, still trying to get over my ear infection. They got annihilated. Both CB and his older brother encouraged me to kiss the younger brother all night. I'm hoping that was a game as well. Normally, I would do it - I have no issues kissing anyone at any point, especially with my new found confidence from JF that I'm a great kisser but all I could think of was CB and that no girl who makes out with 2 brothers is ever going to have a chance - so I abstained.
The booze flew all night as I sipped on water or the occassional Bud Light, and after a couple bars CB looked at me and said, "You look really good tonight." And after a couple more bars and his brothers in other places (bathroom and the bar), he even snuck a kiss. I was thinking the night was going to be worth it. Then came the encouragement of kissing his brother and I got confused.
They continued drinking and the little bro wasn't looking too hot, so I provided water to avoid the puking in my car. When the clocks chimed 2:15am, we called it a night. I dropped the boys back off, they wrestled in the street and CB and I walked inside the lobby of his building. We sat and chatted, then kissed and then heard a loud slamming sound.
I jumped since the car wasn't mine that night, it was in fact my dad's and to our amazement, the brothers were MIA. CB went into brother mode and ran outside, stood by the car and I rushed to his side, "What?"
In the middle of the road they continued their wrestling until one of them was 1/2 naked and CB pulled them apart. We hugged and he encouraged me to go home.
Today I recounted the story to JF and my sexual frustration. We've had the sex conversation, we've had the time to get to know eachother, I have even met his brothers, he wants me to meet the parents in 2 weeks. How can I do all of this and be "that girl" when I know if there is no sexual connection there can't be a relationship? His kissing is still horrible, how much can I hope for?
So JF and I hung out today and I delivered to him how I was going to jump CB next time I saw him - delivered in the sense of acted out for practice. I was on top of his lap kissing him and about to remove my top, when my phone rang - CB. We chatted as JF kissed my neck. I hung up, took off my top and took off his pants.
"Are we going to have sex?"
I looked at him and couldn't believe what came out of my mouth (after I removed him from it) - "That would be cheating - not technically because I'm not his girlfriend, but I like him." He came moments later.
Obviously, I'm confused.
With CB I've done a complete 180. I don't date tall guys, or young guys, or educated guys, or non tattoo-ed, non-pierced guys, and I definitely don't date cute guys. And here I am seeing a 23 year old, good looking, college educated, house owning, 6 foot something guy that has "thought" about a tattoo but would never actually do it. I've also looked for physical relationships first over emotional ones. Once again, I am now emotionally involved with no physical relationship and it's driving me insane. So that's my current issue, I'm still trying to figure out his.
I've been good this past week. I've only been with him. I was hoping that it was my closed sense that worked against me, but if I dedicated myself to him that the physical would come. This weekend was his brother's birthday and he invited me out.
This is HUGE in the sense of any relationship - I mean #1 and I have been friends for 5 some years and he's never met my siblings. I think it was a game, even though I'm told guys don't play those games, I'm pretty sure it was. What would his brothers think of me? If I got their approval perhaps I'd get his.
I played DD all night, still trying to get over my ear infection. They got annihilated. Both CB and his older brother encouraged me to kiss the younger brother all night. I'm hoping that was a game as well. Normally, I would do it - I have no issues kissing anyone at any point, especially with my new found confidence from JF that I'm a great kisser but all I could think of was CB and that no girl who makes out with 2 brothers is ever going to have a chance - so I abstained.
The booze flew all night as I sipped on water or the occassional Bud Light, and after a couple bars CB looked at me and said, "You look really good tonight." And after a couple more bars and his brothers in other places (bathroom and the bar), he even snuck a kiss. I was thinking the night was going to be worth it. Then came the encouragement of kissing his brother and I got confused.
They continued drinking and the little bro wasn't looking too hot, so I provided water to avoid the puking in my car. When the clocks chimed 2:15am, we called it a night. I dropped the boys back off, they wrestled in the street and CB and I walked inside the lobby of his building. We sat and chatted, then kissed and then heard a loud slamming sound.
I jumped since the car wasn't mine that night, it was in fact my dad's and to our amazement, the brothers were MIA. CB went into brother mode and ran outside, stood by the car and I rushed to his side, "What?"
In the middle of the road they continued their wrestling until one of them was 1/2 naked and CB pulled them apart. We hugged and he encouraged me to go home.
Today I recounted the story to JF and my sexual frustration. We've had the sex conversation, we've had the time to get to know eachother, I have even met his brothers, he wants me to meet the parents in 2 weeks. How can I do all of this and be "that girl" when I know if there is no sexual connection there can't be a relationship? His kissing is still horrible, how much can I hope for?
So JF and I hung out today and I delivered to him how I was going to jump CB next time I saw him - delivered in the sense of acted out for practice. I was on top of his lap kissing him and about to remove my top, when my phone rang - CB. We chatted as JF kissed my neck. I hung up, took off my top and took off his pants.
"Are we going to have sex?"
I looked at him and couldn't believe what came out of my mouth (after I removed him from it) - "That would be cheating - not technically because I'm not his girlfriend, but I like him." He came moments later.
Obviously, I'm confused.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Hump Day
Wednesday is Hump Day because you're at the top of the week and it all comes sliding down.
Speaking of sliding down, my checking account is slowly deteriorating before my eyes as I woke up at 3am with the right side of my head throbbing. Turns out that muffled sound in my head wasn't just a cold, it was a double ear infection. Now I know why kids pull at their ears when they have them. They hurt.
It all started this morning, here I don't have to be in until 11:30 and I woke in tears. I desperately tried to hot compress my right ear until the doctor's office opened at 8am, drifting in and out of sleep through the pain. I had an oil change at 10:00 and a tire rotation to prep my car for my dad taking it home to Nebraska. At 9 I stopped at the store to pick up new windshield wiper blades, an air freshner and a new scraper (since windows are already frosting here), paid the bill and called my sister to let her know that she couldn't cash the check I gave her because I now needed my last $25.00 to pay a co-pay with the doctor. She said that it was fine and I headed to the dealership for my car work.
I go to sign in and my normal guy is busy so I get the new service manager. She recommends an engine flush, but I turn it down telling her that my dad can pay for it after this weekend when he puts the next 3,000 miles on my car. I went into the waiting room, worked a bit and she came out to tell me that my brakes were shot. It would be $500 but she talked with my guy and he said to mark them down to $250. I told her it was absolutely not in my budget, she told me that my car absolutely could not go 3,000 miles on those brakes.
I sighed. I only had $25 in my account and, while getting paid Friday, I didn't (a) have the time to wait and (b) have the funds even then when I got paid due to the new nuiscance of a double rent payment. I called my dad, told him that I expected to pay for the tire rotation, but not the brakes - was I even getting a good deal? He said yes, and he'd pay for them since I set everything up for him. I still had my appointment at 11:30, left and came back at 3:15. My car was finally done about 5:30, I filled my prescription and called it a day.
Hopefully my ears will start to feel better tomorrow.
I finished cleaning out the car for dad. Gave him my regular cell phone for calls in Nebraska. Filled the cup holder with silver coins for tolls. I informed him of the lights, the windshield controls and opened the center counsel - just in case he needs them, there's condoms and asprin. He looked wide eyed and chuckled.
In other hopeful hump news, CB has asked me out with his two brothers on Friday - meeting the family? The brothers are the first step, and we haven't even humped yet. I'm thinking there needs to be some sexual aggression prior to their arrival. I've devised a plan.
The plan will break down like this. I'm wearing a cute skirt on Friday, I'll go to his house before they arrive. He'll meet me at the door, I'll ask how golf was and work and then I'll ask him to sit on the couch. Then I'll crawl on top of him.
I'll tell him that I don't want him to do anything, he's had a hard week and needs to relax. I'll tell him to just sit there and tell me what he likes. Then I'll kiss him on the lips. Then on the neck. Then again on the lips. And I'll mention that I hope he likes it.
I'll swing around the back and rub his shoulders because it'll be a long night and then I'll hug him.
If there's no passion in those steps, there's no use in even thinking about humping.
Speaking of sliding down, my checking account is slowly deteriorating before my eyes as I woke up at 3am with the right side of my head throbbing. Turns out that muffled sound in my head wasn't just a cold, it was a double ear infection. Now I know why kids pull at their ears when they have them. They hurt.
It all started this morning, here I don't have to be in until 11:30 and I woke in tears. I desperately tried to hot compress my right ear until the doctor's office opened at 8am, drifting in and out of sleep through the pain. I had an oil change at 10:00 and a tire rotation to prep my car for my dad taking it home to Nebraska. At 9 I stopped at the store to pick up new windshield wiper blades, an air freshner and a new scraper (since windows are already frosting here), paid the bill and called my sister to let her know that she couldn't cash the check I gave her because I now needed my last $25.00 to pay a co-pay with the doctor. She said that it was fine and I headed to the dealership for my car work.
I go to sign in and my normal guy is busy so I get the new service manager. She recommends an engine flush, but I turn it down telling her that my dad can pay for it after this weekend when he puts the next 3,000 miles on my car. I went into the waiting room, worked a bit and she came out to tell me that my brakes were shot. It would be $500 but she talked with my guy and he said to mark them down to $250. I told her it was absolutely not in my budget, she told me that my car absolutely could not go 3,000 miles on those brakes.
I sighed. I only had $25 in my account and, while getting paid Friday, I didn't (a) have the time to wait and (b) have the funds even then when I got paid due to the new nuiscance of a double rent payment. I called my dad, told him that I expected to pay for the tire rotation, but not the brakes - was I even getting a good deal? He said yes, and he'd pay for them since I set everything up for him. I still had my appointment at 11:30, left and came back at 3:15. My car was finally done about 5:30, I filled my prescription and called it a day.
Hopefully my ears will start to feel better tomorrow.
I finished cleaning out the car for dad. Gave him my regular cell phone for calls in Nebraska. Filled the cup holder with silver coins for tolls. I informed him of the lights, the windshield controls and opened the center counsel - just in case he needs them, there's condoms and asprin. He looked wide eyed and chuckled.
In other hopeful hump news, CB has asked me out with his two brothers on Friday - meeting the family? The brothers are the first step, and we haven't even humped yet. I'm thinking there needs to be some sexual aggression prior to their arrival. I've devised a plan.
The plan will break down like this. I'm wearing a cute skirt on Friday, I'll go to his house before they arrive. He'll meet me at the door, I'll ask how golf was and work and then I'll ask him to sit on the couch. Then I'll crawl on top of him.
I'll tell him that I don't want him to do anything, he's had a hard week and needs to relax. I'll tell him to just sit there and tell me what he likes. Then I'll kiss him on the lips. Then on the neck. Then again on the lips. And I'll mention that I hope he likes it.
I'll swing around the back and rub his shoulders because it'll be a long night and then I'll hug him.
If there's no passion in those steps, there's no use in even thinking about humping.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Truth in Lyrics
You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
- The Wreckers
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
- The Wreckers
Monday, October 23, 2006
Another quick realization
This blog is supposed to be humorous, which I think at times it is, confusing - definitely, sex - see last couple of posts, and about martinis - someone pour me a damn cocktail! Emphasis on the COCK! LOL.
Clarification in a male with no sex
JF and I went out tonight, he's schmoozing the ladies and getting pretty serious so of course there was no action; especially since he's the biggest supporter of CB.
I admitted to my affair because I knew I'd get an honest answer. He said that there was no "affair" up until this point and no need to feel guilty over my actions - unless they happen again.
He was in the same position as CB at his age and he said that in all honesty, it's scary to be that way. Everything is a new encounter and you're afraid because you need to have the experience supposedly and you don't. Which makes sense.
I'm a little put off due to the fact that I emailed CB & called him tonight, but got a reply to nothing. And I'm horney as all hell. I guess that's what it came down too.
As always, JF and I had intellectual conversation and we're both in the same position of questioning monogamy at this point. We chuckled at the thought of living close by eachother and just having sex occassionally if this doesn't work out. It's a great thought, but I'm sure it won't happen - he's too nice & too hot to be single for long and there is that fact that I think I actually want this to work with CB - besides being called Christina.
On a sidebar, something to ponder, would be is this still "Single in the City" or singleinmilwaukee.blogspot.com if I'm not single? Hmmm.
And then there's the point that JF brought up - am I single? That's what mine & CB's myspace says but am I emotionally involved?
It's been so long I don't even know anymore ...
I admitted to my affair because I knew I'd get an honest answer. He said that there was no "affair" up until this point and no need to feel guilty over my actions - unless they happen again.
He was in the same position as CB at his age and he said that in all honesty, it's scary to be that way. Everything is a new encounter and you're afraid because you need to have the experience supposedly and you don't. Which makes sense.
I'm a little put off due to the fact that I emailed CB & called him tonight, but got a reply to nothing. And I'm horney as all hell. I guess that's what it came down too.
As always, JF and I had intellectual conversation and we're both in the same position of questioning monogamy at this point. We chuckled at the thought of living close by eachother and just having sex occassionally if this doesn't work out. It's a great thought, but I'm sure it won't happen - he's too nice & too hot to be single for long and there is that fact that I think I actually want this to work with CB - besides being called Christina.
On a sidebar, something to ponder, would be is this still "Single in the City" or singleinmilwaukee.blogspot.com if I'm not single? Hmmm.
And then there's the point that JF brought up - am I single? That's what mine & CB's myspace says but am I emotionally involved?
It's been so long I don't even know anymore ...
Envy
"Many people would be envious of your position right now" my cousin says to me over email as I recount the misconstrued adventures of single life.
Envy is an evil word. We've all been it at a time and we've all been the counter to it. What is envy? The want to have something someone else has with out consideration of what it really is.
I have been the girl that envied people in my current situation, I have also been this girl before in which my friends recap to me that they are jealous and envious to have multiple people after me at the same time. It might seem selfish and misconstrued, but this is nothing to be envious of.
Most people have enough problems dealing with one person, but here I am trying to juggle a decision based on three. When it comes to one you deal with yes or no without having a back up option, here I have to deal with three people that each give me a point that I need, but none have all three points.
RS - sweet, dear RS. I have the unbelievable sexual attraction to but I'm a dirty secret. Our relationship will never be more than lust.
BG - I have the undying friendship, the palm of my hand character where he does what I say at the drop of the hat - but no sexual want or desire to want. #1 points out that this is due to the fact that there's no chase, which could be true.
and CB - I thought I had a sexual attraction to, but due to the chase it's wavered and due to his current position of a card holding member of the V-Club, the chase seems even more off. Now I have to consider things like his last relationship was 6 years ago and they didn't even have a physical relationship - what if we end up having one and it ends up not being right? What will that due to him? Is this a game I even want to play? But then again I've never relaxed enough with anyone else and what if this was it?
I am envious of the girl with one choice, one person that fits or doesn't and the decision to stay or go. Here I want to keep all three to get everything I need in a selfish way that keeps 2 of the 3 hearts open. I'm playing an unfair game all for myself. Talk about being selfish.
So I'm in Madison today and I pray to God to help me make this selfish decision. I've opened myself to the idea of a relationship with CB, yet my needs aren't getting fulfilled and my gut puts up that big red stop sign. And I'm in Madison and all I think about is Armani and how I want to smell that all over me once again. Can I stop this affair if I commit myself to a relationship that seemingly goes no where? I'm trying to concentrate on work, but every time I close my eyes I feel his hand on my throat, the pulling of my hair, the way it feels to cum like that. His hot breath in my ear, the look on his face when he cums and it's all purely physical but I want it, I want it right now.
So I text, "Lunch?" And he says, "When?" As I type a response I tell myself that if it doesn't work today, I'll let it go and pursue CB, "1:30" I respond, he says "Today? I can't - this week isn't good" and I try to convince myself that this is the answer.
So I email CB that I'm busy this week, but not tonight and tomorrow. Maybe we could watch Heroes at his house tonight as I secretly plan to enact what I dreamed about this weekend.
Then I text back to RS, "Balls in your court - figuratively & literally" to which he responds to let him know when I'm in town again, I respond "Not sure with moving next week, evenings are lax - willing to drive if you're willing to make me cum." He responds in moments, "Sweet! Will do my best as always." I respond that my pink jacket and boots are in the car.
And I wait, praying that CB will answer the email and I'll be at his house at 7. I'll walk in and just jump him, see if passion exists and if it doesn't, then I'll let go and check one off of the list.
Envy is an evil word. We've all been it at a time and we've all been the counter to it. What is envy? The want to have something someone else has with out consideration of what it really is.
I have been the girl that envied people in my current situation, I have also been this girl before in which my friends recap to me that they are jealous and envious to have multiple people after me at the same time. It might seem selfish and misconstrued, but this is nothing to be envious of.
Most people have enough problems dealing with one person, but here I am trying to juggle a decision based on three. When it comes to one you deal with yes or no without having a back up option, here I have to deal with three people that each give me a point that I need, but none have all three points.
RS - sweet, dear RS. I have the unbelievable sexual attraction to but I'm a dirty secret. Our relationship will never be more than lust.
BG - I have the undying friendship, the palm of my hand character where he does what I say at the drop of the hat - but no sexual want or desire to want. #1 points out that this is due to the fact that there's no chase, which could be true.
and CB - I thought I had a sexual attraction to, but due to the chase it's wavered and due to his current position of a card holding member of the V-Club, the chase seems even more off. Now I have to consider things like his last relationship was 6 years ago and they didn't even have a physical relationship - what if we end up having one and it ends up not being right? What will that due to him? Is this a game I even want to play? But then again I've never relaxed enough with anyone else and what if this was it?
I am envious of the girl with one choice, one person that fits or doesn't and the decision to stay or go. Here I want to keep all three to get everything I need in a selfish way that keeps 2 of the 3 hearts open. I'm playing an unfair game all for myself. Talk about being selfish.
So I'm in Madison today and I pray to God to help me make this selfish decision. I've opened myself to the idea of a relationship with CB, yet my needs aren't getting fulfilled and my gut puts up that big red stop sign. And I'm in Madison and all I think about is Armani and how I want to smell that all over me once again. Can I stop this affair if I commit myself to a relationship that seemingly goes no where? I'm trying to concentrate on work, but every time I close my eyes I feel his hand on my throat, the pulling of my hair, the way it feels to cum like that. His hot breath in my ear, the look on his face when he cums and it's all purely physical but I want it, I want it right now.
So I text, "Lunch?" And he says, "When?" As I type a response I tell myself that if it doesn't work today, I'll let it go and pursue CB, "1:30" I respond, he says "Today? I can't - this week isn't good" and I try to convince myself that this is the answer.
So I email CB that I'm busy this week, but not tonight and tomorrow. Maybe we could watch Heroes at his house tonight as I secretly plan to enact what I dreamed about this weekend.
Then I text back to RS, "Balls in your court - figuratively & literally" to which he responds to let him know when I'm in town again, I respond "Not sure with moving next week, evenings are lax - willing to drive if you're willing to make me cum." He responds in moments, "Sweet! Will do my best as always." I respond that my pink jacket and boots are in the car.
And I wait, praying that CB will answer the email and I'll be at his house at 7. I'll walk in and just jump him, see if passion exists and if it doesn't, then I'll let go and check one off of the list.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Dreams
I'm not sure what triggered it. The rose perhaps? The conversation on Saturday night with my boss in which I told her I struggle with the idea of a relationship with CB because I don't know if I have feelings? She tells me it's obvious I do since I put up with all this bull shit with out getting laid.
But exhausted and home at 2:30am on Saturday (sober I might add), I slip on my pajamas - a not sexy pair of flannel pants and an Old Navy pull over and I snuggle in with my teddy bear and head off to dreamland.
In my dream it's Monday and I've worked all day in Madison. My TV is still out but I really want to see Heroes (I'm beyond addicted - that's reality). I've arranged to meet CB at his place at 7, the show starts at 8. I'm wearing black heeled boots, the ones that make me feel sexy. He buzz's me up. I wait in his door, he answers and asks how my weekend was. I grab him by his shirt, sit him down on the couch and jump on top. I tell him that I know he had a long day and to not do anything, sit back.
I kiss him and it's terrible. I tell him not to do anything, just let me kiss him. It's wonderful. I place his hand on my back and I kiss him deeply. My hand glides to his side and I touch my cold hand on his warm stomach.
And then I wake up.
It dawns on me that the way this relationship goes, I have to tell and do out right what I want - no games. So maybe this is my way in (or his way in - depending on how you look at it).
But exhausted and home at 2:30am on Saturday (sober I might add), I slip on my pajamas - a not sexy pair of flannel pants and an Old Navy pull over and I snuggle in with my teddy bear and head off to dreamland.
In my dream it's Monday and I've worked all day in Madison. My TV is still out but I really want to see Heroes (I'm beyond addicted - that's reality). I've arranged to meet CB at his place at 7, the show starts at 8. I'm wearing black heeled boots, the ones that make me feel sexy. He buzz's me up. I wait in his door, he answers and asks how my weekend was. I grab him by his shirt, sit him down on the couch and jump on top. I tell him that I know he had a long day and to not do anything, sit back.
I kiss him and it's terrible. I tell him not to do anything, just let me kiss him. It's wonderful. I place his hand on my back and I kiss him deeply. My hand glides to his side and I touch my cold hand on his warm stomach.
And then I wake up.
It dawns on me that the way this relationship goes, I have to tell and do out right what I want - no games. So maybe this is my way in (or his way in - depending on how you look at it).
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
The Smell of Armani on Skin
So I spent Friday, Saturday and Monday with CB. On Friday I decided to choose him, on Saturday I decided to tell him that what I needed to make this work and let him know that I was willing to choose him, on Monday I waited for the results.
So what do I need to make it work? It's completely cliche - but the little things. The arm around me at the game, the look, the emails. I've been the dirty secret too many times and I refuse to be it again. I admit this history makes me not realize good things when I have them, but I also firmly believe that these little things will be the things that matter.
Monday I questioned what I wanted, how I have been behaving and in all honesty - I can't find a reason to why I would want things to change. I contemplated this all the way to our Madison office. Why do I suddenly have this want for a boyfriend? Yes, it's the holiday season and I'm in a lot of organizations which means a lot of parties I need a date for. Yes, it would be nice to not drive over an hour just to get some one-on-one time. But those are the only two things that I could justify and #1 is my arm candy and RS is my booty call.
On the way to deliver apples there was some text banter with RS and before responding I would think to myself, this is wrong - you've made your decision.
On the way home I thought about it more as I dropped a co-worker off. I turned around to get clarification.
It was the same repetitive nature that I have repeated for the last two months. Small talk as I removed my boots, the look out of the corner of my eye when I caught just the way he looked in that button down shirt and baseball hat. That tender look and expectation as we tried to figure out where we fit. Then he grabs me and puts me against the cold wall and his hands are on my neck and our lips are touching. My hand glides down his shirt as we're engulfed in pssionate kissing and we head to the bedroom.
I get undressed, "Am I being presumptuatious?" No he says. His hands are on my sides, his mouth on my breasts and I lean back to think to myself how nice it is to feel sexy and wanted. To feel strong hands on my skin. Rough hands. Warm hands. He knows how to make me crumble.
At the moment that he was standing and I was on the bed as he glided in and out I felt my legs spasam and he stopped, I looked and yelled "No!" He smiled and said he was sorry, my back arched and warmth invaded my chest. I climbed on top of him.
Getting my legs backed my warm breath echoed in his ear, "tell me how to make you cum." And five minutes later he did.
We laid naked for 15 minutes, touching and talking about how it's almost snowing and that means skiing and boarding. We talked about work and the surgeries I had gone under and the ones he was getting. I touched his shoulder and asked how it was feeling. It felt strange to know so much about someone and to be so intimate with them, but still be so distant from any sort of real relationship. His phone rang, he had to go back to work. He kissed me sweetly and we got dressed. Before he put his shirt on I rested my head on his shoulder and glanced at this tattooed arm, I kissed him and said thank you. As I pulled away I smelt his cologne, the sweet smell of Armani Black.
He washed the smell of sex off his body as he prepared to work as we joked and kissed. He wrapped my scarf around my neck and we left. I drove home thinking about what had just happened, telling myself that this is what I want - this is my life - this is what makes sense. Am I his dirty little secret? Yes. But I know it can't be more which some how makes my actions okay.
I was exhausted when my car pulled into the drive. It was windy and I could smell his cologne on my skin and scarf. I stood outside for just a minute longer and closed my eyes remembering what it was like to feel the way I did. I smiled.
I took a warm shower before bed to rest my aching body. The steam of the shower rolled his smell of my skin. The washer rolled the smell out of my clothes. Just like that, no one will know. But when I smell Armani, I smile.
When I woke up at 6am, I took another shower - just to be sure that my night's affair was hidden from anyone's expectations. I went to work. On the way contemplating my judgements last night, but having no regret. While it was nice to think that I could be wanted by someone and have someone, it was better to be realistic and happy with how I am now.
I had a meeting at 7:30 at the coffee shop in CB's building. I sat in the cozy chair and sipped my soda speaking with my students and their other mentor. A knock on the window, a smile on his face and I went from certainity that I had made a right decision to the feeling that for once I was getting cheated on - maybe I had just cheated. My heart fell a bit. I justified it to myself, we aren't in a relationship - even our myspaces both say we're single. I didn't cheat, but I may have cheated myself into thinking that I may be better off.
I have no idea of the next steps. In the ideal world I would continue my affair while justifying my friendships with BG & CB as just that and then one day, RS would look at me and tell me that we should take this seriously. And then I'd work through the guards and let my walls down. But in reality, I protect myself from any kind of stability because I fear it, I've convinced myself it won't happen and I tarnish it when it will.
Friday will tell of the little things, if CB can come through I'll choose him. If he doesn't then I'll be back in his bed on Monday.
So what do I need to make it work? It's completely cliche - but the little things. The arm around me at the game, the look, the emails. I've been the dirty secret too many times and I refuse to be it again. I admit this history makes me not realize good things when I have them, but I also firmly believe that these little things will be the things that matter.
Monday I questioned what I wanted, how I have been behaving and in all honesty - I can't find a reason to why I would want things to change. I contemplated this all the way to our Madison office. Why do I suddenly have this want for a boyfriend? Yes, it's the holiday season and I'm in a lot of organizations which means a lot of parties I need a date for. Yes, it would be nice to not drive over an hour just to get some one-on-one time. But those are the only two things that I could justify and #1 is my arm candy and RS is my booty call.
On the way to deliver apples there was some text banter with RS and before responding I would think to myself, this is wrong - you've made your decision.
On the way home I thought about it more as I dropped a co-worker off. I turned around to get clarification.
It was the same repetitive nature that I have repeated for the last two months. Small talk as I removed my boots, the look out of the corner of my eye when I caught just the way he looked in that button down shirt and baseball hat. That tender look and expectation as we tried to figure out where we fit. Then he grabs me and puts me against the cold wall and his hands are on my neck and our lips are touching. My hand glides down his shirt as we're engulfed in pssionate kissing and we head to the bedroom.
I get undressed, "Am I being presumptuatious?" No he says. His hands are on my sides, his mouth on my breasts and I lean back to think to myself how nice it is to feel sexy and wanted. To feel strong hands on my skin. Rough hands. Warm hands. He knows how to make me crumble.
At the moment that he was standing and I was on the bed as he glided in and out I felt my legs spasam and he stopped, I looked and yelled "No!" He smiled and said he was sorry, my back arched and warmth invaded my chest. I climbed on top of him.
Getting my legs backed my warm breath echoed in his ear, "tell me how to make you cum." And five minutes later he did.
We laid naked for 15 minutes, touching and talking about how it's almost snowing and that means skiing and boarding. We talked about work and the surgeries I had gone under and the ones he was getting. I touched his shoulder and asked how it was feeling. It felt strange to know so much about someone and to be so intimate with them, but still be so distant from any sort of real relationship. His phone rang, he had to go back to work. He kissed me sweetly and we got dressed. Before he put his shirt on I rested my head on his shoulder and glanced at this tattooed arm, I kissed him and said thank you. As I pulled away I smelt his cologne, the sweet smell of Armani Black.
He washed the smell of sex off his body as he prepared to work as we joked and kissed. He wrapped my scarf around my neck and we left. I drove home thinking about what had just happened, telling myself that this is what I want - this is my life - this is what makes sense. Am I his dirty little secret? Yes. But I know it can't be more which some how makes my actions okay.
I was exhausted when my car pulled into the drive. It was windy and I could smell his cologne on my skin and scarf. I stood outside for just a minute longer and closed my eyes remembering what it was like to feel the way I did. I smiled.
I took a warm shower before bed to rest my aching body. The steam of the shower rolled his smell of my skin. The washer rolled the smell out of my clothes. Just like that, no one will know. But when I smell Armani, I smile.
When I woke up at 6am, I took another shower - just to be sure that my night's affair was hidden from anyone's expectations. I went to work. On the way contemplating my judgements last night, but having no regret. While it was nice to think that I could be wanted by someone and have someone, it was better to be realistic and happy with how I am now.
I had a meeting at 7:30 at the coffee shop in CB's building. I sat in the cozy chair and sipped my soda speaking with my students and their other mentor. A knock on the window, a smile on his face and I went from certainity that I had made a right decision to the feeling that for once I was getting cheated on - maybe I had just cheated. My heart fell a bit. I justified it to myself, we aren't in a relationship - even our myspaces both say we're single. I didn't cheat, but I may have cheated myself into thinking that I may be better off.
I have no idea of the next steps. In the ideal world I would continue my affair while justifying my friendships with BG & CB as just that and then one day, RS would look at me and tell me that we should take this seriously. And then I'd work through the guards and let my walls down. But in reality, I protect myself from any kind of stability because I fear it, I've convinced myself it won't happen and I tarnish it when it will.
Friday will tell of the little things, if CB can come through I'll choose him. If he doesn't then I'll be back in his bed on Monday.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Recap for conversation's sake.
So quick recap ...
I had a "grown up" conversation with CB on Saturday. I told him I needed to know what was wrong with me that we've been seeing each other for 4 months and haven't done anything but kiss. I laid it out on the line, I'm a grown woman and I need to have sex.
You can only imagine his reaction. "Umm ... did your car break down?" (It was 1am)
My response, "You need to have some confidence. You need to realize you are hot, have a job, own a house, have a car and are sweet - those are the 5 criteria any woman needs."
A little bantering and persuading led to his explanation of why things haven't progressed, bitter relationships and - oh, there's this whole thing that he hasn't actually done THAT yet.
Talk about feeling like a whore ... but he said that he understood and he wanted to see this thing through, and yes, he'd like to have sex.
Relief! I chose the right guy - right?
Then Monday came with and we all gathered at a friend's house to watch the football game, he joined and didn't touch me. I thought we had this conversation about being with each other and I got a peck on the lips.
Then the phone calls came from the people at the party - are you with him? are you not? Why didn't he touch you? You looked cute? What's his deal? And all the excuses in the book couldn't salvage the answer - did I make the right decision? No.
Yes, he could change and get more comfortable but that's not him and that's not me. I'm instantly comfortable with people, I'm a flirt, I'm a cuddler, I'm an extrovert - he's an introvert and this time the ying and the yang don't compliment.
The true fact is that it's the little things that matter and the cold facts are the little things don't to him.
I had a "grown up" conversation with CB on Saturday. I told him I needed to know what was wrong with me that we've been seeing each other for 4 months and haven't done anything but kiss. I laid it out on the line, I'm a grown woman and I need to have sex.
You can only imagine his reaction. "Umm ... did your car break down?" (It was 1am)
My response, "You need to have some confidence. You need to realize you are hot, have a job, own a house, have a car and are sweet - those are the 5 criteria any woman needs."
A little bantering and persuading led to his explanation of why things haven't progressed, bitter relationships and - oh, there's this whole thing that he hasn't actually done THAT yet.
Talk about feeling like a whore ... but he said that he understood and he wanted to see this thing through, and yes, he'd like to have sex.
Relief! I chose the right guy - right?
Then Monday came with and we all gathered at a friend's house to watch the football game, he joined and didn't touch me. I thought we had this conversation about being with each other and I got a peck on the lips.
Then the phone calls came from the people at the party - are you with him? are you not? Why didn't he touch you? You looked cute? What's his deal? And all the excuses in the book couldn't salvage the answer - did I make the right decision? No.
Yes, he could change and get more comfortable but that's not him and that's not me. I'm instantly comfortable with people, I'm a flirt, I'm a cuddler, I'm an extrovert - he's an introvert and this time the ying and the yang don't compliment.
The true fact is that it's the little things that matter and the cold facts are the little things don't to him.
Friday, October 13, 2006
and breathe ...
After two 11 hour work days, I got to leave a couple hours early today. I met J out, who is now dating SC, and we caught up. I called CB at 2:00 to let him know I was interested in hanging out and then J & I bar hopped until 6.
Around 5:45 I was a bit buzzed & horney and with no word from CB, I toyed with the idea of going to Madison. J told me to hang tight until 6:00 and then go. At 6 we left the bar and I craved some coffee. She went to the bathroom and I paid for my drink, preparing to go to Madison for RS.
Then my phone rang, it was CB asking if I wanted to go by his place or see a movie - I opted for the first and brought a movie with. Nothing much happened but the usual, and I realized being with him makes me relax. We snuggled and when I left, we kissed. Granted, I want to screw him pretty darn bad, but if we're not at that point - I'm willing to wait.
Around 5:45 I was a bit buzzed & horney and with no word from CB, I toyed with the idea of going to Madison. J told me to hang tight until 6:00 and then go. At 6 we left the bar and I craved some coffee. She went to the bathroom and I paid for my drink, preparing to go to Madison for RS.
Then my phone rang, it was CB asking if I wanted to go by his place or see a movie - I opted for the first and brought a movie with. Nothing much happened but the usual, and I realized being with him makes me relax. We snuggled and when I left, we kissed. Granted, I want to screw him pretty darn bad, but if we're not at that point - I'm willing to wait.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Take 5 for MG
#1 informs me this morning I need to take time for myself and figure somethings out, so here's my take 5.
What makes you happy?
My job and (because of it) my industry.
My friends, because now "I know people" and "I'm kind of a big deal"
Learning to relax, credited to CB who actually makes me do it on the weekends.
The fact that I'm actually going to be a grown up.
Rainy days - but not snowy days.
What doesn't make you happy?
Besides the usual bills?
Not having enough time in the day.
The fact that I'm a bad cat mom because of my schedule.
Not knowing why I either have multiple guys or no guys.
The consistant judging of my body by myself.
If you could change 5 things, what would they be?
My days.
My lack of sane judgement when it comes to my personal life.
My body (or put more time in the day so I can work out)
Letting go (learning how to)
Nothing else. I'm happy.
What can you do to change those 5 things?
Reschedule my time and become organized.
Start making sane decisions, start by making a regular decision.
See above, schedule time to work out.
Remember that the past makes you who you are and who you are will never change, so you might as well let go of the past.
How do you think others see you?
As a fun girl.
As a cute girl.
As a single girl.
As someone that almost has things together.
As a friend that they can talk to at anytime.
What five things would you want right now?
A little more cash in the savings account.
A foot rub.
A TV.
My cat to sleep in bed with me.
A relationship.
Looking back on this list of 5, what have you learned?
If three guys are after me, I can't be that bad looking.
To get over myself.
Spend more time at home.
That what was wrong 6 months ago was my job.
I've learned a lot from CB and I'm not ready to stop.
I need to believe in myself and see myself as others see me.
What makes you happy?
My job and (because of it) my industry.
My friends, because now "I know people" and "I'm kind of a big deal"
Learning to relax, credited to CB who actually makes me do it on the weekends.
The fact that I'm actually going to be a grown up.
Rainy days - but not snowy days.
What doesn't make you happy?
Besides the usual bills?
Not having enough time in the day.
The fact that I'm a bad cat mom because of my schedule.
Not knowing why I either have multiple guys or no guys.
The consistant judging of my body by myself.
If you could change 5 things, what would they be?
My days.
My lack of sane judgement when it comes to my personal life.
My body (or put more time in the day so I can work out)
Letting go (learning how to)
Nothing else. I'm happy.
What can you do to change those 5 things?
Reschedule my time and become organized.
Start making sane decisions, start by making a regular decision.
See above, schedule time to work out.
Remember that the past makes you who you are and who you are will never change, so you might as well let go of the past.
How do you think others see you?
As a fun girl.
As a cute girl.
As a single girl.
As someone that almost has things together.
As a friend that they can talk to at anytime.
What five things would you want right now?
A little more cash in the savings account.
A foot rub.
A TV.
My cat to sleep in bed with me.
A relationship.
Looking back on this list of 5, what have you learned?
If three guys are after me, I can't be that bad looking.
To get over myself.
Spend more time at home.
That what was wrong 6 months ago was my job.
I've learned a lot from CB and I'm not ready to stop.
I need to believe in myself and see myself as others see me.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
When I Grow Up...
I'll get a college education.
Check.
I'll get a good job, that I enjoy.
Check.
I'll be able to pay all my bills.
Check.
I'll move out of my dad's house.
Check.
That's right - I'm moving!
Went apartment shopping today and found the cutest place on the planet. I wrote a check and I move in two weeks!
Check.
I'll get a good job, that I enjoy.
Check.
I'll be able to pay all my bills.
Check.
I'll move out of my dad's house.
Check.
That's right - I'm moving!
Went apartment shopping today and found the cutest place on the planet. I wrote a check and I move in two weeks!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
All the things I wish I could say
To CB:
I don't understand why when I'm with you I feel so comfortable, so sexy and so wonderful all at the same time when your actions and your words don't say it for me. It's a poise, a respect, an uncharted area. I find you insatiable, but don't try to over come you with my sexuality. I find your intellegence delightful and your respect of my culture even more so. You understand my schedule, you understand my life. I want to just be with you which is something I haven't honestly said ever in my entire life. I'm trying to damage these feelings due to all sorts of past relationships because they've never gone this way. I've always been a toy, but now I feel like a real person. I'm sorry for sleeping with RS and for kissing BG, it was my defense mechanism to push myself from any sort of feeling. The truth is, I have no want to repeat any action - I just wish you'd say you want me to be with you. Then I'd stop.
To BG:
Our friendship is so amazing. We laugh and we talk about politics, crass sexuality, work and play. I know when you hang out with me you're doing it because you like me as a person and want to know what it would be like for more. The truth is I was out of line when I kissed you, but I did it to see if I was missing something that everyone else kept telling me I was. I think you're great - but I want to just be friends and explore my relationship with CB.
To RS:
I am angry with myself for not being patient for you. I don't know if anything would have came of it, but I believe we would have been happy. Due to your hang ups our relationship goes from passion to flat in just a couple of days. I could never be more than sex to you but I deserve to be. I look back at my mistakes with you and desperately am trying not to repeat them with CB. I love being your friend, the sex is amazing (you have a GREAT cock) but I need to put this on reserve until I figure out who I should be with.
To #1:
I am so glad that everything that has happened between us has happened. The falters we had in our relationship has made our friendship so close. I wouldn't trade you for anything and I hope you feel the same.
To J:
I'm sorry for the blow out a week ago, nothing was really your fault you just got caught in the crossfires. When we went out Friday night I realized I missed you. I'm angry with you at chosing SC over me that night, but I understand how close you are. I'm angry at SC for sleeping with R and putting her health in danger and your heart. No man is worth either. I wish you would look in the mirror and see the beautiful girl that I do and come to realize that you deserve someone who wants to be with just you. You are amazing, I inspire to be as full of character as you.
To my boss:
I am so happy I took my job with you. I wake up in the morning excited to go to work and I leave sad. You have taught me the joys of the industry when I hated it. You've opened my eyes to your creativity and enlightened me in the ways of friendship and business. I owe my life to you, literally, because I was at my end contemplating suicide when you came through with the offer. Now I look back at what I would have missed out on and realize there are people who love and care for me.
To my mom:
I'm sorry I don't spend enough time with you. Looking back, I've always wanted to be you and I like to think that my emotions, my drive and my personality all come from you. I think you are beautiful and wonderful. I'm sorry for my short comings but I'm proud of your support through it. I am truly blessed.
To my dad:
I fully realize that I may never be the person you want me to be but thank you for accepting who I am over the last three months. We've had our ups and downs but I couldn't imagine my life with out you. The scare last year put your meaning into perspective, your acceptance has given me life. I'm sorry that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, have the income you think I deserve or the relationship that would make your heart melt. But I'm proud to say I have your eyes and mouth and your passion. I think you and mom raised a great person.
To my sister:
We've never really gotten along until the past two years. I'm glad we have great stories of our hatred, but I'm even happier that we have moments that show we care. When you found out I might never be able to have kids, you offered to carry them for me because you knew deep down I always wanted them even though I say I don't. The way you care for your friend's daughter after she passed away is amazing. You will always be the parent that I envy when we finally have kids. As for your love life, I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't always there and you deserve someone that is. But when he looks at you he adores you - I think everyone should aim for such passion.
To my older brother:
I've always admired you I just wish you'd admire yourself more. There is no other person with the tolerance you have and I'm sorry your emotions stay bottled up. When I saw you cry last year, I fell apart and I haven't seen you cry since. You seem like a rock when you are really just a teddy bear. It's okay to be a teddy bear.
To my younger brother:
I have always felt the need to protect you since you were small. I fail to realize now that you are 20 that you are an adult and can make decisions. Thank you for chosing us over your biological father. I'm sorry I butted in to that relationship but it was only because I felt the need to protect you from being hurt and I also did it because I didn't want to be hurt. You are 20 now, you need to realize you are a man and change your attitude towards life. People can only take you so far, you need to take yourself further. You are one of the greatest people on earth and you need to start believing it.
These are things I wish I could say but can't for some unknown reason. I would hope that I do at some point, but if not, perhaps each person will bump into this and understand who I really am.
I don't understand why when I'm with you I feel so comfortable, so sexy and so wonderful all at the same time when your actions and your words don't say it for me. It's a poise, a respect, an uncharted area. I find you insatiable, but don't try to over come you with my sexuality. I find your intellegence delightful and your respect of my culture even more so. You understand my schedule, you understand my life. I want to just be with you which is something I haven't honestly said ever in my entire life. I'm trying to damage these feelings due to all sorts of past relationships because they've never gone this way. I've always been a toy, but now I feel like a real person. I'm sorry for sleeping with RS and for kissing BG, it was my defense mechanism to push myself from any sort of feeling. The truth is, I have no want to repeat any action - I just wish you'd say you want me to be with you. Then I'd stop.
To BG:
Our friendship is so amazing. We laugh and we talk about politics, crass sexuality, work and play. I know when you hang out with me you're doing it because you like me as a person and want to know what it would be like for more. The truth is I was out of line when I kissed you, but I did it to see if I was missing something that everyone else kept telling me I was. I think you're great - but I want to just be friends and explore my relationship with CB.
To RS:
I am angry with myself for not being patient for you. I don't know if anything would have came of it, but I believe we would have been happy. Due to your hang ups our relationship goes from passion to flat in just a couple of days. I could never be more than sex to you but I deserve to be. I look back at my mistakes with you and desperately am trying not to repeat them with CB. I love being your friend, the sex is amazing (you have a GREAT cock) but I need to put this on reserve until I figure out who I should be with.
To #1:
I am so glad that everything that has happened between us has happened. The falters we had in our relationship has made our friendship so close. I wouldn't trade you for anything and I hope you feel the same.
To J:
I'm sorry for the blow out a week ago, nothing was really your fault you just got caught in the crossfires. When we went out Friday night I realized I missed you. I'm angry with you at chosing SC over me that night, but I understand how close you are. I'm angry at SC for sleeping with R and putting her health in danger and your heart. No man is worth either. I wish you would look in the mirror and see the beautiful girl that I do and come to realize that you deserve someone who wants to be with just you. You are amazing, I inspire to be as full of character as you.
To my boss:
I am so happy I took my job with you. I wake up in the morning excited to go to work and I leave sad. You have taught me the joys of the industry when I hated it. You've opened my eyes to your creativity and enlightened me in the ways of friendship and business. I owe my life to you, literally, because I was at my end contemplating suicide when you came through with the offer. Now I look back at what I would have missed out on and realize there are people who love and care for me.
To my mom:
I'm sorry I don't spend enough time with you. Looking back, I've always wanted to be you and I like to think that my emotions, my drive and my personality all come from you. I think you are beautiful and wonderful. I'm sorry for my short comings but I'm proud of your support through it. I am truly blessed.
To my dad:
I fully realize that I may never be the person you want me to be but thank you for accepting who I am over the last three months. We've had our ups and downs but I couldn't imagine my life with out you. The scare last year put your meaning into perspective, your acceptance has given me life. I'm sorry that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, have the income you think I deserve or the relationship that would make your heart melt. But I'm proud to say I have your eyes and mouth and your passion. I think you and mom raised a great person.
To my sister:
We've never really gotten along until the past two years. I'm glad we have great stories of our hatred, but I'm even happier that we have moments that show we care. When you found out I might never be able to have kids, you offered to carry them for me because you knew deep down I always wanted them even though I say I don't. The way you care for your friend's daughter after she passed away is amazing. You will always be the parent that I envy when we finally have kids. As for your love life, I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't always there and you deserve someone that is. But when he looks at you he adores you - I think everyone should aim for such passion.
To my older brother:
I've always admired you I just wish you'd admire yourself more. There is no other person with the tolerance you have and I'm sorry your emotions stay bottled up. When I saw you cry last year, I fell apart and I haven't seen you cry since. You seem like a rock when you are really just a teddy bear. It's okay to be a teddy bear.
To my younger brother:
I have always felt the need to protect you since you were small. I fail to realize now that you are 20 that you are an adult and can make decisions. Thank you for chosing us over your biological father. I'm sorry I butted in to that relationship but it was only because I felt the need to protect you from being hurt and I also did it because I didn't want to be hurt. You are 20 now, you need to realize you are a man and change your attitude towards life. People can only take you so far, you need to take yourself further. You are one of the greatest people on earth and you need to start believing it.
These are things I wish I could say but can't for some unknown reason. I would hope that I do at some point, but if not, perhaps each person will bump into this and understand who I really am.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Why don't they have breathalyzers on cell phones?
Seriously. How much stupidity would be stopped if your phone told you that you were too drunk to complete the call. Certain numbers would be "safe" like 911 & taxi services, but could be, would be and were significant others would definitely be on the no call list.
I made an A** out of myself. I was drinking, called CB & ranted about the chick, he told me I was drunk and got irate. I emailed this morning to confirm that I was and I was sorry for being a jerk. Hey, did my part. In true fashion - no return. Did I mention I was out with BG at this time and I may have kissed him ... crap.
Seriously, manufacturers get breathalyzers on phones! PLEASE.
I made an A** out of myself. I was drinking, called CB & ranted about the chick, he told me I was drunk and got irate. I emailed this morning to confirm that I was and I was sorry for being a jerk. Hey, did my part. In true fashion - no return. Did I mention I was out with BG at this time and I may have kissed him ... crap.
Seriously, manufacturers get breathalyzers on phones! PLEASE.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
When Screwdrivers don't help
One beer, 3 screws later and I'm on the phone with CB informing him of TG. He doesn't buy it and insinuates I'm drunk/
So I make out with BG.
Which doesn't give me bubbles like CB, so what's a girl to do?
So I make out with BG.
Which doesn't give me bubbles like CB, so what's a girl to do?
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Blogger Beta?
So I upgraded to the Blogger Beta and originally was totally digging it.
You can use the templates and upgrade, so you don't look "run of the mill" and you don't need to know a ton of HTML.
But some of my buddy bloggers haven't upgraded so I can't comment :( So BZ! Awesome job baby! Rock those organizations with your beauty, charm & intellect!
You can use the templates and upgrade, so you don't look "run of the mill" and you don't need to know a ton of HTML.
But some of my buddy bloggers haven't upgraded so I can't comment :( So BZ! Awesome job baby! Rock those organizations with your beauty, charm & intellect!
On the drive home
I was thinking to myself - what happened to me? Seriously. The me three years ago was awesome and everytime I feel like I'm almost there, I fall back.
The old me:
Didn't fall in love or want to fall in love
Was dedicated to her job
Was dedicated to working out
Always had numerous friends at any given point going out with her
Had money
Where is that me? And how do I get it back?
The old me:
Didn't fall in love or want to fall in love
Was dedicated to her job
Was dedicated to working out
Always had numerous friends at any given point going out with her
Had money
Where is that me? And how do I get it back?
Even God thinks Madison is a Bad Idea.
I opted to arrange a meeting in Madison on Thursday at 1:00 for release and clarification. CB hasn't emailed me since my slightly passive aggressive response and TG emailed a decline to my informal meeting, stating that she had to work late by attending a play. Um okay.
I was going about my business as usual and started not feeling entirely well - I ate chicken and blamed it on that. Went to the bathroom and OH. God informed there would be no sex tomorrow in Madison.
I guess signs do come and I won't be at 1:00 ...
I was going about my business as usual and started not feeling entirely well - I ate chicken and blamed it on that. Went to the bathroom and OH. God informed there would be no sex tomorrow in Madison.
I guess signs do come and I won't be at 1:00 ...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
It has come to my recent realization ...
that I might be an idiot. And this comes to me over wings and friends.
Recapping the whole "territory" event that occured, I filled in a friend-of-a-friend the back story of BG. All three people commented that I should perhaps skip of the CB and go for BG. If I wanted to "engage in adult behavior" nine months ago, I had to be a tad bit attracted. Now I'm starting to think...
I got home and TG (territory girl) emailed me, she wants to join my committee for the event I discussed in class. Oh, suga, I know this game - remember the drama with R & J, it's kind of what happened there. J befriended R because she was cool & also to keep a close eye on her.
What to do, what to do. Of course, I emailed and told her she is more than welcome to come to our informal event meeting on Thursday. If the other committees want to steal her - they are more than welcome to - but in the meantime I don't know what is going on so I gotta play it cool and see where things go. Lord, what if she brings CB to this thing? I don't think she's THAT good at this game or that he's THAT stupid to realize that I wouldn't be there. We shall see what cards the dealer draws - which, who is the dealer in this game? I guess it's him since he has the control in the pivitol situation, right??
Recapping the whole "territory" event that occured, I filled in a friend-of-a-friend the back story of BG. All three people commented that I should perhaps skip of the CB and go for BG. If I wanted to "engage in adult behavior" nine months ago, I had to be a tad bit attracted. Now I'm starting to think...
I got home and TG (territory girl) emailed me, she wants to join my committee for the event I discussed in class. Oh, suga, I know this game - remember the drama with R & J, it's kind of what happened there. J befriended R because she was cool & also to keep a close eye on her.
What to do, what to do. Of course, I emailed and told her she is more than welcome to come to our informal event meeting on Thursday. If the other committees want to steal her - they are more than welcome to - but in the meantime I don't know what is going on so I gotta play it cool and see where things go. Lord, what if she brings CB to this thing? I don't think she's THAT good at this game or that he's THAT stupid to realize that I wouldn't be there. We shall see what cards the dealer draws - which, who is the dealer in this game? I guess it's him since he has the control in the pivitol situation, right??
Why I am the best ex-girlfriend.
Seriously, guys - you can screw me over (even while screwing me) and I'll still be the nicest of peeps when they come around again.
#1, if you are a reader, is my best friend and also ex-boyfriend, miserable in his job so I finally swung an interview with him at my place of employment. Also, I've provided him plenty of a** to occupy his time.
An ex from a year ago, who was gay, is now hooked up with another gay friend of mine - they are getting married.
I've encouraged school, I've provided jobs, I've even provided love - when am I going to get mine! Erg.
#1, if you are a reader, is my best friend and also ex-boyfriend, miserable in his job so I finally swung an interview with him at my place of employment. Also, I've provided him plenty of a** to occupy his time.
An ex from a year ago, who was gay, is now hooked up with another gay friend of mine - they are getting married.
I've encouraged school, I've provided jobs, I've even provided love - when am I going to get mine! Erg.
My, my, my. The Art of Establishing Territory
Call it primitive nature, but there are ways to establish your territory without the hand-in-the-face, that-man-is-mine, head shaking turn and quick spin around.
Why yes. There are ways. And I got to experience that today.
Still maintaining the majority of my goodness, I've stayed in the city. I prepped last night for my speechs today and headed over to the college at 11.
Normal poise, I do my routines - explain what I do now, how I got there, networking, etc then do a little plug at the very end for the new club I'm a member of.
Time was up - plugged the club and the girl in the front row stood up, hands on hip.
So you're MG. Do you know CB?
This caught me off guard as I shook my head.
Yeah. He mentioned you & this club. He's really nice. I'm an intern with him.
He's good stuff.
That's right, he took a class with you. He comes over to my desk all the time and he's teaching me how to use it. He's always over when he's bored.
Slowly I placed my computer in my bag,"yup he's good stuff."
The words are only 1/2. If you've ever seen someone establish territory, you understand the importance of the hands on the hip, right foot in front a bit and the stern look in the eye. This tells the reciepent the same thing as "B*tch, that's my man."
The professor looked at me after she left and inquired to what that was about - being that we are friends, I inform her, "That guy I've been seeing? - That's who she was talking about."
She shook her head - "Looks like you're not the only one and she just established some major territory!"
Eek. Trying not to go to Madison ...
Why yes. There are ways. And I got to experience that today.
Still maintaining the majority of my goodness, I've stayed in the city. I prepped last night for my speechs today and headed over to the college at 11.
Normal poise, I do my routines - explain what I do now, how I got there, networking, etc then do a little plug at the very end for the new club I'm a member of.
Time was up - plugged the club and the girl in the front row stood up, hands on hip.
So you're MG. Do you know CB?
This caught me off guard as I shook my head.
Yeah. He mentioned you & this club. He's really nice. I'm an intern with him.
He's good stuff.
That's right, he took a class with you. He comes over to my desk all the time and he's teaching me how to use it. He's always over when he's bored.
Slowly I placed my computer in my bag,"yup he's good stuff."
The words are only 1/2. If you've ever seen someone establish territory, you understand the importance of the hands on the hip, right foot in front a bit and the stern look in the eye. This tells the reciepent the same thing as "B*tch, that's my man."
The professor looked at me after she left and inquired to what that was about - being that we are friends, I inform her, "That guy I've been seeing? - That's who she was talking about."
She shook her head - "Looks like you're not the only one and she just established some major territory!"
Eek. Trying not to go to Madison ...
Sunday, October 01, 2006
The Wheels Turn. An Answer to be Had. Unrequited Love.
After years of not ever being good enough, I convinced myself that I was one of those people that wasn't meant to be in a relationship, that I was the person only meant to change lives.
While in college, I read a classical story in which the gods deemed certain people life changers. While they walked the earth as mortal humans they were never meant to do anything but touch peoples lives and put them on the right path.
My first relationship is what convinced me that I was not ever going to be good enough. I was told on a daily basis that I would never find anyone better, someone who accepted my multiple faults, I would never be thin enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I left.
My next series of relationships fulfilled the prophecies. I was never any of those things that my ex had said. Even when I finally got that boyfriend after two years of being alone, I still wasn't better than the groupie girls, the drugs, the time. It was then that a series of events followed that made me think of that story.
Phone calls followed from exs that told me I helped them switch jobs, go back to school, learn it was okay to fall in love and a thank you was in order. That's when I told myself I wasn't ever meant to be one of those happy couples with the white picket fence and the 2.3 kids and the suburban mansion - I was the catalyst to help those that needed it fulfill it.
And then there was him. To help make sure that love would never be had, I set criteria that would be almost impossible to fulfill. Last name in the upper part of the alphabet, tattoos, balding, no taller than me in heels, piercings, winter sports, baseball fan - just to name a few. And in the moment I found that guy - I immediately dated his friend.
A year later we met up, we hooked up. I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't just made to change people - maybe I was made for him. And then I wasn't.
Fast forward six months and I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough again and I developed a sex kitten persona. I would show him I was everything in the bedroom so I could be nothing in real life. The creation of my relationship with RS.
And now there is someone new. After Friday, I realized that I actually really like, really care for CB. That perhaps I need to stop self destruction and actually believe that I wasn't the person meant to change lives and that I could be happy.
After bantering text messages all weekend, I forced myself to not take that drive. I told myself that I didn't need to go to Madison to see him. Then there was this morning. I fought the urges, kept myself occupied (strongly with the help of my friends) but I did decide that if I didn't hear from CB I would drive tonight.
It was my mom's birthday, so we all went and ate and drank and had family time. I didn't feel extremely well, partially due to the fact that I didn't eat healthy and partly because I internally struggled with what my decision would be in 3 hours. I decided to leave. I grabbed my phone, 2 missed calls.
One was from CB, so here I sit. Proud of myself for the answer to be had, I didn't make the drive. I left myself open. And the wheels turn to a new beginning.
While in college, I read a classical story in which the gods deemed certain people life changers. While they walked the earth as mortal humans they were never meant to do anything but touch peoples lives and put them on the right path.
My first relationship is what convinced me that I was not ever going to be good enough. I was told on a daily basis that I would never find anyone better, someone who accepted my multiple faults, I would never be thin enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I left.
My next series of relationships fulfilled the prophecies. I was never any of those things that my ex had said. Even when I finally got that boyfriend after two years of being alone, I still wasn't better than the groupie girls, the drugs, the time. It was then that a series of events followed that made me think of that story.
Phone calls followed from exs that told me I helped them switch jobs, go back to school, learn it was okay to fall in love and a thank you was in order. That's when I told myself I wasn't ever meant to be one of those happy couples with the white picket fence and the 2.3 kids and the suburban mansion - I was the catalyst to help those that needed it fulfill it.
And then there was him. To help make sure that love would never be had, I set criteria that would be almost impossible to fulfill. Last name in the upper part of the alphabet, tattoos, balding, no taller than me in heels, piercings, winter sports, baseball fan - just to name a few. And in the moment I found that guy - I immediately dated his friend.
A year later we met up, we hooked up. I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't just made to change people - maybe I was made for him. And then I wasn't.
Fast forward six months and I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough again and I developed a sex kitten persona. I would show him I was everything in the bedroom so I could be nothing in real life. The creation of my relationship with RS.
And now there is someone new. After Friday, I realized that I actually really like, really care for CB. That perhaps I need to stop self destruction and actually believe that I wasn't the person meant to change lives and that I could be happy.
After bantering text messages all weekend, I forced myself to not take that drive. I told myself that I didn't need to go to Madison to see him. Then there was this morning. I fought the urges, kept myself occupied (strongly with the help of my friends) but I did decide that if I didn't hear from CB I would drive tonight.
It was my mom's birthday, so we all went and ate and drank and had family time. I didn't feel extremely well, partially due to the fact that I didn't eat healthy and partly because I internally struggled with what my decision would be in 3 hours. I decided to leave. I grabbed my phone, 2 missed calls.
One was from CB, so here I sit. Proud of myself for the answer to be had, I didn't make the drive. I left myself open. And the wheels turn to a new beginning.
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