Envy

"Many people would be envious of your position right now" my cousin says to me over email as I recount the misconstrued adventures of single life.

Envy is an evil word. We've all been it at a time and we've all been the counter to it. What is envy? The want to have something someone else has with out consideration of what it really is.

I have been the girl that envied people in my current situation, I have also been this girl before in which my friends recap to me that they are jealous and envious to have multiple people after me at the same time. It might seem selfish and misconstrued, but this is nothing to be envious of.

Most people have enough problems dealing with one person, but here I am trying to juggle a decision based on three. When it comes to one you deal with yes or no without having a back up option, here I have to deal with three people that each give me a point that I need, but none have all three points.

RS - sweet, dear RS. I have the unbelievable sexual attraction to but I'm a dirty secret. Our relationship will never be more than lust.

BG - I have the undying friendship, the palm of my hand character where he does what I say at the drop of the hat - but no sexual want or desire to want. #1 points out that this is due to the fact that there's no chase, which could be true.

and CB - I thought I had a sexual attraction to, but due to the chase it's wavered and due to his current position of a card holding member of the V-Club, the chase seems even more off. Now I have to consider things like his last relationship was 6 years ago and they didn't even have a physical relationship - what if we end up having one and it ends up not being right? What will that due to him? Is this a game I even want to play? But then again I've never relaxed enough with anyone else and what if this was it?

I am envious of the girl with one choice, one person that fits or doesn't and the decision to stay or go. Here I want to keep all three to get everything I need in a selfish way that keeps 2 of the 3 hearts open. I'm playing an unfair game all for myself. Talk about being selfish.

So I'm in Madison today and I pray to God to help me make this selfish decision. I've opened myself to the idea of a relationship with CB, yet my needs aren't getting fulfilled and my gut puts up that big red stop sign. And I'm in Madison and all I think about is Armani and how I want to smell that all over me once again. Can I stop this affair if I commit myself to a relationship that seemingly goes no where? I'm trying to concentrate on work, but every time I close my eyes I feel his hand on my throat, the pulling of my hair, the way it feels to cum like that. His hot breath in my ear, the look on his face when he cums and it's all purely physical but I want it, I want it right now.

So I text, "Lunch?" And he says, "When?" As I type a response I tell myself that if it doesn't work today, I'll let it go and pursue CB, "1:30" I respond, he says "Today? I can't - this week isn't good" and I try to convince myself that this is the answer.

So I email CB that I'm busy this week, but not tonight and tomorrow. Maybe we could watch Heroes at his house tonight as I secretly plan to enact what I dreamed about this weekend.

Then I text back to RS, "Balls in your court - figuratively & literally" to which he responds to let him know when I'm in town again, I respond "Not sure with moving next week, evenings are lax - willing to drive if you're willing to make me cum." He responds in moments, "Sweet! Will do my best as always." I respond that my pink jacket and boots are in the car.

And I wait, praying that CB will answer the email and I'll be at his house at 7. I'll walk in and just jump him, see if passion exists and if it doesn't, then I'll let go and check one off of the list.