All the things I wish I could say

To CB:

I don't understand why when I'm with you I feel so comfortable, so sexy and so wonderful all at the same time when your actions and your words don't say it for me. It's a poise, a respect, an uncharted area. I find you insatiable, but don't try to over come you with my sexuality. I find your intellegence delightful and your respect of my culture even more so. You understand my schedule, you understand my life. I want to just be with you which is something I haven't honestly said ever in my entire life. I'm trying to damage these feelings due to all sorts of past relationships because they've never gone this way. I've always been a toy, but now I feel like a real person. I'm sorry for sleeping with RS and for kissing BG, it was my defense mechanism to push myself from any sort of feeling. The truth is, I have no want to repeat any action - I just wish you'd say you want me to be with you. Then I'd stop.

To BG:

Our friendship is so amazing. We laugh and we talk about politics, crass sexuality, work and play. I know when you hang out with me you're doing it because you like me as a person and want to know what it would be like for more. The truth is I was out of line when I kissed you, but I did it to see if I was missing something that everyone else kept telling me I was. I think you're great - but I want to just be friends and explore my relationship with CB.

To RS:

I am angry with myself for not being patient for you. I don't know if anything would have came of it, but I believe we would have been happy. Due to your hang ups our relationship goes from passion to flat in just a couple of days. I could never be more than sex to you but I deserve to be. I look back at my mistakes with you and desperately am trying not to repeat them with CB. I love being your friend, the sex is amazing (you have a GREAT cock) but I need to put this on reserve until I figure out who I should be with.

To #1:

I am so glad that everything that has happened between us has happened. The falters we had in our relationship has made our friendship so close. I wouldn't trade you for anything and I hope you feel the same.

To J:

I'm sorry for the blow out a week ago, nothing was really your fault you just got caught in the crossfires. When we went out Friday night I realized I missed you. I'm angry with you at chosing SC over me that night, but I understand how close you are. I'm angry at SC for sleeping with R and putting her health in danger and your heart. No man is worth either. I wish you would look in the mirror and see the beautiful girl that I do and come to realize that you deserve someone who wants to be with just you. You are amazing, I inspire to be as full of character as you.

To my boss:

I am so happy I took my job with you. I wake up in the morning excited to go to work and I leave sad. You have taught me the joys of the industry when I hated it. You've opened my eyes to your creativity and enlightened me in the ways of friendship and business. I owe my life to you, literally, because I was at my end contemplating suicide when you came through with the offer. Now I look back at what I would have missed out on and realize there are people who love and care for me.

To my mom:

I'm sorry I don't spend enough time with you. Looking back, I've always wanted to be you and I like to think that my emotions, my drive and my personality all come from you. I think you are beautiful and wonderful. I'm sorry for my short comings but I'm proud of your support through it. I am truly blessed.

To my dad:

I fully realize that I may never be the person you want me to be but thank you for accepting who I am over the last three months. We've had our ups and downs but I couldn't imagine my life with out you. The scare last year put your meaning into perspective, your acceptance has given me life. I'm sorry that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, have the income you think I deserve or the relationship that would make your heart melt. But I'm proud to say I have your eyes and mouth and your passion. I think you and mom raised a great person.

To my sister:

We've never really gotten along until the past two years. I'm glad we have great stories of our hatred, but I'm even happier that we have moments that show we care. When you found out I might never be able to have kids, you offered to carry them for me because you knew deep down I always wanted them even though I say I don't. The way you care for your friend's daughter after she passed away is amazing. You will always be the parent that I envy when we finally have kids. As for your love life, I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't always there and you deserve someone that is. But when he looks at you he adores you - I think everyone should aim for such passion.

To my older brother:

I've always admired you I just wish you'd admire yourself more. There is no other person with the tolerance you have and I'm sorry your emotions stay bottled up. When I saw you cry last year, I fell apart and I haven't seen you cry since. You seem like a rock when you are really just a teddy bear. It's okay to be a teddy bear.

To my younger brother:

I have always felt the need to protect you since you were small. I fail to realize now that you are 20 that you are an adult and can make decisions. Thank you for chosing us over your biological father. I'm sorry I butted in to that relationship but it was only because I felt the need to protect you from being hurt and I also did it because I didn't want to be hurt. You are 20 now, you need to realize you are a man and change your attitude towards life. People can only take you so far, you need to take yourself further. You are one of the greatest people on earth and you need to start believing it.

These are things I wish I could say but can't for some unknown reason. I would hope that I do at some point, but if not, perhaps each person will bump into this and understand who I really am.