Six weeks and Grow some balls!

This is a dual post - first a vent. Why do people feel the need to write a mean email instead of talk to you? Why do people stab people in the back - this just isn't my style and I'm sick of working in an industry where it is.

That's the transition to six weeks. I've decide, regardless if I have another full time job or not, I WILL NOT continue to work in six weeks. It's just crap. Do I love my industry? YES! Do I love my company? YES! But I don't enjoy the piddley "I'm in 8th grade" crap that some of (particularly one) like to throw around here.

I'm not :) if you can't tell - it's Saturday, I've been at work since 7am after finding my weekend "To-Do" list in my email at 10:00 last night. GRRR. GRRR. GRRR.

One last vent and I'm done - during my review I was told "I take on too much and need to ask for help." I was drowning yesterday, told my boss a co-worker would be helping me and she freaked out! You wonder why I don't? Everytime I do - I get freaked out on!

$10,000 away in the bank and I'm moving to Canada and marrying a mountie.

Today was supposed to be a good day ...

I woke up. I went to the gym. I felt like a million bucks.

I went to work with a smile on my face, in a cute new outfit with my hair in pigtails. The baby took her first steps last night, there was nothing that was going to hold me down. Visions of sugar plums danced in my head as I envisioned the positive, fun post I was going to write for the blog today. Then, crash.

The big, important project that I spent the majority of the year on last year had a glich. A computer glich actually. Every couple names or so would print the wrong company and I only spot checked. I could kick myself, my boss could kick me, I was five minutes from turning in a resignation and going back to the restaraunt to work full time until I found a new job. I have a migraine, a piercing, light-blinding, migraine. Today was supposed to be happy fun, tonight was supposed to be better - but now, it sucks.

In an effort to change things I'm going to post my happy thoughts from this morning in a blog I was going to entitle "Lists."

Lists:

First List: Names I would like to name my gaggle of kids that will cause them to grow up and resent me.
(1) Mahdea Marjory
(2) Odette Grant
(3) Samantha Nicole
(4) Cody Allen
(5) Andrew Ulysses
(6) Monroe Dakota

Second List: Things I couldn't live with out
(1) Rainy days
(2) Sunglasses
(3) My gym membership
(4) Shoes. Glorious shoes.
(5) My family and friends
(6) My cat
(7) My vibrator :)
(8) Posting on this blog
(9) My planner

Third List: Things I could live with out
(1) Student loan payments
(2) My job (metaphorically - not technically, since I obviously need a paycheck to live)
(3) Living in my dad's house
(4) Cleaning
(5) Dishes

That's all for now, lunch break is over!

Change your name.

I can't remember if it was a commercial or a TV program but there was a guy in a cube wearing a nametag (which I'll just say said Steve, since I can't seem to remember that either). A lady comes over, "Bob, I need you to do this for me now." Bob turns around and says, "Sorry, I'm Steve." The lady replies, "No, you're Bob." Bob replies "Look at my name tag - it says I'm Steve. Bob is out today."

That's how I feel, maybe - just for today, I will change my name so people stop coming up to me and saying, "MG - I need you to do this now." To dream, I know.

I pumped for bowling - with my extra curricular practice this weekend, I might just be pretty darn good. :)

My 5 second post is all I have time for, back to the bump and grind of the work day (and not the extra curricular time).

Spontaneous Combustion

Stolen from http://www.crystalinks.com/shc.html

The first reliable historic evidence of Spontaneous Human Combustion appears to be from the year 1673, when Frenchman Jonas Dupont published a collection of Spontaneous Human Combustion cases and studies entitled De Incendiis Corporis Humani Spontaneis. Dupont was inspired to write this book after encountering records of the Nicole Millet case, in which a man was acquitted of the murder of his wife when the court was convinced that she had been killed by spontaneous combustion. Millet, a hard-drinking Parisian was found reduced to ashes in his straw bed, leaving just his skull and finger bones. The straw matting was only lightly damaged. Dupont's book on this strange subject brought it out of the realm of folkloric rumor and into the popular public imagination.

In 1951 the Mary Reeser case recaptured the public interest in Spontaneous Human Combustion. Mrs. Reeser, 67, was found in her apartment on the morning of July 2, 1951, reduced to a pile of ashes, a skull, and a completely undamaged left foot. This event has become the foundation for many a book on the subject of SHC since, the most notable being Michael Harrison's Fire From Heaven, printed in 1976. Fire From Heaven has become the standard reference work on Spontaneous Human Combustion.

On May 18, 1957, Anna Martin, 68, of West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, was found incinerated, leaving only her shoes and a portion of her torso. The medical examiner estimated that temperatures must have reached 1,700 to 2,000 degrees, yet newspapers two feet away were found intact.

Today was one of those days when you think that you're going to spontaneously combust. Hey - turns out it might be kind of true.

It's the weekend!

My two photo shoots Thursday and yesterday made my regular work go on the back end, so I plan on going into work tomorrow to catch up.

Looks like it might be a bland weekend. The cute boy from bowling (new nickname Mr. Ad) sent me an email saying he just wanted to make sure I got in from Waupun okay with the bad weather - it was very sweet. We emailed back and forth - but I left at 5:00. Around 6:00 he sent another one (I can check email from home) saying he'd call me later, but he didn't :( I'm hoping he calls sometime this weekend.

#3 and I briefly talked yesterday, I was hoping that he would have sometime to catch a drink today so that we could talk about what is going on in his head, but to no avail.

It's very cold in Wisconsin so I'm actually glad that I might be stuck indoors all day! I'm cleaning and doing laundry - even emptied out the old car! Just wish it was warm enough to get that gross salt off of it.

Beautiful Things

There are very few things in life are as beautiful as you

Okay, so let's back track in my absence of posts.

Wednesday: Got my hair cut and I'm not sure I like it - but oh well, it'll grow back. I sucked at bowling - yet was able to talk to the cute boy from last week! A little too late though - I had a photo shoot at 7am in Waupun. 3 hours of sleep later I crawled out of my cold bed 1/2 hung over and 1/2 asleep.

Thursday: Photo shoot at 7am, driving in a blizzard! I went into work because I needed to find out if the panel I was speaking on was still going to happen with our horrible weather. Turns off it wasn't and that work had said anyone who wanted to leave early could.

Then I got an email from a friend saying she made an ass out of herself on Wednesday with the guy I was hanging out with. I was completely confused - she mentioned a "fall-out." Eeks. Never good. I had thought he left with me at midnight - we exchanged numbers and decided to hang out again - but maybe not? He hadn't called either - it was only one day. Things like this make me over analyze a bit. I'm still waiting to hear what happened.

I got to hang out with the baby last night which was nice, but I was exhaused. #3 kept text messaging me and I was just sick of it and went to bed.

Here's the deal with #3 - there will never be a relationship there, we are just friends. The two of us are a bit too similar and he's a hellauv a lot of selfish to ever do that again. I don't think either of us really wants to date again, but then ...

But then I tell him (since we are friends - not as a ploy) I'm interested in someone, or we'll go out and he'll pick up the girl next to him and I'll talk to the guy next to me, and he'll turn in to a rage machine. He says he's looking out for my best interest - I think he's the kind of guy that doesn't want you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else either. I told on Monday about the cute guy from Wednesday and then he started calling and texting obsessively - including on Wednesday. When I didn't return his texts immediately he pulled mean text messages, as if we were a couple (or, I should say, like he did when we were a couple). Perhaps we need to have a bit of a talk this weekend.

Lots of work to do today and only 8 hours to do it in so I'm off ...

To Shave ...

I got up bright and early and headed to the gym - and shaved my legs, which of course means I will not be philandering around this evening.

I'm actually not much in a bowling mood tonight, but as a co-worker said, it is only 9am. We'll see how the day plays out.

My hair will be chopped off again as of 2:30 - that way I will look all professional for my speech tomorrow at the museum, that's the highlight of my day. A little primping never hurt!

To Shave ... Or not to Shave?

That is the question pondering my mind at this point. Shave means go to the gym and do it right, no shave means stay and get to work early. My guess is that I'll probably shave ...

My Valentine's Day was pretty low-key, no wandering messages from lost loves, no surprise flowers, no magical candies. I did meet with my new students for a quick chat - that lasted 3 hours. I also played loving big sis and helped my brother with his math homework for 1/2 an hour.

Now I'm tucked in and ready to sleep!

Oh one other quick thing ... BZ is back! Check out her blog! It made my night :)

Happy Tuesday and Valentines Day!

I had a bit of Valentine's Day last night. #3 called and wished me an early happy V-Day and we went out for drinks. He was very sweet, being that he wouldn't even say Happy V-Day when we were together ...

Anyhow, at the bar we were enjoying our usual venting sessions when the guy across the way said he wanted to buy us a shot because we were so cute together. I laughed and said that was funny - #3 got offended because, I guess, we are"cute." I tried to explain that the guy obviously thought we were together in more than just a friend way - but to no avail.

The night continued with me hitting on the guy next to me (hiatus does NOT mean I can't flirt - just can't touch the merchandise). Turns out his company went to us for advertising, but we lost the pitch. It was interesting to say the least.

Finished up the evening with #3 and the Bachelor - nothing happened, because I'm on hiatus and I didn't want it to!

In honor of valentines day here is 13 things I love right now:

1. My cat, who is extra cuddley now that his counterpart is gone.
2. My mom, who is always there no matter what.
3. My sister, for being a tough cookie and really good at kids - two things I wish I was better at.
4. My brothers, for being my brothers.
5. The scale at the gym, for finally going down and not staying even
6. Martinis, because they are oh so good.
7. My new found hip bones, because they are sexy.
8. The fact that I didn't have to buy anyone anything for today.
9. Green eye shadow - because it makes my green eyes pop.
10. My dark hair - because it's almost real and it makes me feel like a vixen.
11. Bowling on Wednesdays, because I can socialize and drink and bowl all at the same time.
12. Mentoring. Because it makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life.
13. This blog, because I've met some very cool people through it and it gives me a place to vent.

Scatter is as Scatter Does

Turns out I'm pretty scattered lately in more than my posts, we'll try to work on that here.

My weekend was very non chalant - no drinking (past Friday), mostly relaxing in (ah!) no bra - which was fabulous I must admit. Picking up my brother at 10pm kind of killed my night on Saturday.

Sunday I hung out with my mom, did a little power shopping and that was about it. Got a very cute new pair of tennis shoes (mom paid - nice!) which aren't really great for the gym, but - as said - cute none the less.

Today has been pretty uneventful, I wasn't able to leave for lunch so I'm starving and tired right now. I can't wait to leave (45 minutes and counting). I was hoping my energy would be up and I could get over to the gym, but that's really not looking like it will happen.

This week is just PACKED. Tonight is my only quiet night. Tomorrow I have some students coming in that I will be mentoring this semester, Wednesday is leagues, Thursday I'm doing a speech on how great advertising is, Friday is a doctor & oil change appointment. I'm sure this weekend will be booked before I know it too.

Still kicking butt on my hiatus here! No further progressions with anyone of the male sex, no progression whatsoever. It's been nice because I've been overly exhausted lately and not sure why. But it's kind of nice to go home and stay there. Dad's been off my back a bit (another nice bonus) and my laundry is actually getting done.

Due to the low-key evening I'm planning on having, I'll probably be back to post later!

Scatter Post

This will be a bit of a scatter post because I have a bunch of random thoughts in my head. Let's start with yesterday...

We all went out for a drink after work (before the event) and in talking with a coworker he mentioned the hot guy from leagues was asking about me, but he told him I was seeing someone... What? No! I informed my coworker I am NOT seeing anyone and he was hot, so ... he informed me he'd hook us up. Interesting ...

Then the event happened. I went, it was fun but there was several mix-ups that makes me not like the organization any more than my growing hatred. First of all, the girl who does not like me on the board said "Wow. You actually look nice." I don't know if she meant it to come out the way she did - but it didn't come off nice. Then my artwork was listed as a different artist. Come on guys, I've been working there for three years and you can't give me props for my work?

Also, a friend decided not to go because she didn't want to go alone - instead she wanted me to come over. Here's the deal (and I know I have to have this conversation with her) but she makes more money than me but I see her all the time because I'm too far away. I barely can afford gas to get to work and back not to mention a place 45 minutes from where I work. I feel bad... but ...

My post yesterday on the "question" resulted from some hilarious responses from Darth - so I'm posting them here!

1. "Why the hell are YOU single?"

2. "I know I am single because I have standards; you, on the other hand, are a different story."

3. “I am single because I only seem to meet losers like you.”

4. “I am actually a man.”

5. “Just buy me another beer and shut the hell up!”

6. “Did you know I can completely gut a man from his groin to his neck with a Taco Bell spork in less than 12 seconds?”

7. “Because my vibrator at least TRIES to get me off.”

8. “STELLA!!!!” (sorry a cheap Seinfeld ripoff)

9. “I find my cats better conversationalists than most men. You, on the other hand, are even worse than most.”

10. “I once drank a Long Island tea on the rocks and those ice cubes had a higher collective intelligence than you and all your friends.”

11. “I only date men with pierced penises.”

12. “I used to be a man but I got a sex change so I could be a lesbian and I haven’t found the right girl yet.”

Also - an anonymous poster made a good point - perhaps the right response is "Because you haven't asked me out yet" - I might try that line if the guy is interesting - otherwise, going wit a couple of Darth's responses!

Answer me this ... seriously.

I've vented about this before, but once again I will do it.

When out on Wednesday I was have drinks with some guys when the question appeared all of the sudden - in statement format (which was easier to take, my nostrils did not flare nor my blood boil) "Why are you single?" Answer me this - why does it matter as long as I am? When a guy asks that question what does he want your response to be?

While in the past I've gotten snotty with my answers, ranging from "Obviously, I'm psycho" to "I have commitment issues" to "Because I have eight kids" - I just smiled and stared at my beer for a moment.

So here's the question and the answer, "Why am I single?" Because I am. Because no guy has swept me off my feet. Because I work a lot, because I'm obsessed with my work. Because I enjoy single life (no matter how I bitch). Because I like the fact that my money goes to me. Because sex with a vibrator is often more gratifying then the ten seconds you could offer up. Because I have standards and no one has met those. Because single is not a disease, single is my choice of life.

Bad Blogger, Bad!

I've been reading a bunch of my regular blogs and have noticed the lack of updates, which made me sad; however, I haven't updated either! Bad Blogger, Bad!

My hiatous is doing well, I'm feeling better about myself with out having the added pressure of trying to find a consistent make out partner. But here's the thing about the hiatous ...

Leagues were on Wednesday night, it was a hellauv alot of fun, I did a bit too much drinking (hmm, SURPRISE there) and went to the other lane from last week to hang out with a married buddy of my friend. Now, he doesn't seem happily married but this doesn't mean that I want to jump him or what not. After more drinking and dart playing, I wanted to leave. We left together and he tried to kiss me in the parking lot! Here's the thing, (a) I'm not attracted to him (b) he's married and (c) he has a kid - this is a bad combo, I'm not in the allusive state where I believe I am so amazing that someone will leave their wife to be with me and I'm not in the state where I believe that sympathy sex with someone I've just met is a good idea. To top it off, I complained about the other dude from last week calling me on my cell while I was at work and he had the nerve to call me the next day!

I am NOT one of those people that likes their significant other calling when they are trying to work - my day is busy enough with out having to make meaningless chit chat. To add injury to the wound, he says "Don't call me on my cell - ONLY at work." Ummm, dirty secret again? I'll pass.

Tonight is a fundraiser for one of the organizations I'm on the board for and I've been somewhat hoodwinked into going. I'm not overly thrilled with the organization right now, but a friend offered a free ticket to schmooze with. In honesty, I'd much rather hit the gym or the bar after work then schmooze with more people in my industry. Still haven't finalized my plans on attending, we'll see how the day plays out.

I'm majorly aching for some shopping right now. I'm sick of my tired outfits and need to soup up the old closet a bit. The only thing is that pesky annoyance of realizing that the money used on shopping would be better suited to go into an account for moving out - still some sexy shoes and a new cute top are calling my name. Decisions, decisions.

The pierced tounge guy called three times at 3am this morning. In honesty, I was up just not in the mood to pick up knowing he was drunk. Why does someone call, leave a voicemail, hang up and call back twice more? Well, I guess because they are drunk and wanting to get some. I couldn't even understand 1/2 of his message, but it involved "you're probably still out ..." ????? I work out every morning before work, which means I am up at a standard of 4am - really not going out till 2 and only getting a couple hours of sleep. I'm getting too old for that sort of lifestyle.

More ramblings include that I'm trying to teach myself dreamweaver right now because I want to personalize my blog a bit more instead of the regular templates. Not having much luck with that, just getting tired of tutorials I guess.

Guess I should get back to working, or at least working on trying to see my desk again. The boys play hockey at noon today, I may just hop in the car and drive past the malls and day dream ... sweet, sweet day dreams.

Pink

I just watched the making of the video for "Stupid Girls" by Pink. Here's what I like most about her:

(1) The media critiques her in shape figure (a size 8 or 10) as "fat" then turns around and judges people like Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie and Mary Kate Olsen on having eating disorders. If you have an issue with skin and bones then praise the people that have nice figures and are in shape!

(2) The majority of her music and music videos critique society including image issues.

(3) She makes me proud to not be a blonde bimbo.

That's my insight for today. I in no way blame the media for image issues that teenagers face, but it's nice for some one to critique our culture in a positive way. It's OKAY to like sports, to drink beer and to bear a mid-drift when you're muscular and not think six-packed. But in another breath, I would like to pick up the new Vanity Fair (being aware of ultimate retouching) with all new naked celeb photos.

In other news, my left-over cat is depressed which makes him extremely cuddley lately but resorting to "kitten" tactics, like sucking and neading certain fabrics or standing up on your leg and mew-ing (not his grown up meow). It makes me sad and the nightmares of my poor other cat have not disappeared yet. We'll see with time.

Amazing things only words can say

I had a biopsy today - something I've had every year for three years, not fun - but no longer scary. Until ....

This is kind of gross for the weak hearted, but so much of the part that was biopsied is gone they can no longer guarantee it won't be hard for me to get pregnant. Chances are I'll miscarry. What's worse is, depending on the results - I can't continue having these procedures done - the end result will have to be a hysterectomy to stop everything. And, I have to see a breast surgeon.

My mom called my dad to "remind" him that I was having the procedure done - to which he claimed no knowledge of (of course) - he didn't even bother to see how I was until I came home a couple minutes ago. The conversation went "How was your procedures." "Fine. Fine but not good." "Oh, Okay." I went into my "home." Pissed off, I went back upstairs. "Not - Oh, okay. I might not be able to have kids and I have to see a breast surgeon." "Oh." "Not 'Oh' Dad - you blew me off when I told you this saying it wasn't serious. Well ..." "Well, I guess it is serious now." Yup.

The nice thing that words can do, however, is realize the extent someone will go for you. When my mom told my sister, she said "no big deal. I can carry her baby." I had always assumed since this all started that she would - but there's a difference when someone says the words to make them reality.

Words can be a nice gesture.

Four Things

Four Things

I got tagged by BZ, who got tagged by Loremaster Alec, who got tagged by Nutz, who got tagged by MCatt, who got tagged by Alice, who got tagged by Dweeze, so here are my answers:

Four jobs I've had:
1. Account Coordiantor at an Advertising Agency
2. Manager at a popular chain restaraunt
3. Volunteer Call Center at a Classified Ad newspaper
4. Carnival Worker

Four movies I can watch over and over:

1. What Dreams May Come
2. Sweetest Thing
3. Dogma
4. Jay & Silent Bob

Four Places I have lived:

1. Milwaukee, WI
2. St Louis, MO
3. Franklin, WI
4. Greenfield, WI

Four Shows I love:

1. CSI
2. Related
3. Dancing with the Stars
4. Lost

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest:

1. Bachelor
2. Friends
3. Survivor
4. Real World

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:

1. Chronicles of Narnia
2. He's Just Not That Into You
3. Sisters & Brothers
4. Classical Mythology

Four places I have vacationed:

1. New York, New York
2. Vegas, NV
3. Nassau, Bahamas
4. Iron Mountain, MI

Four of my favorite dishes:

1. Grilled Zucchini
2. Chicken Parmigina
3. Broccoli & Cheese Soup
4. Bagel & Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Blogger
2. Google
3. Yahoo
4. Hotmail

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. New York
2. Italy
3. Bar
4. Bar

And I'm tagging:

1. Darthimmortal
2. Neo
3. Dia
4. daynad228

Hiatous Sounding Pretty Good

*sigh* I'm seriously considering take some time off from any interaction with the opposite sex. This psycho dude from Wednesday night has made me want to swear off all men at all times - I honestly don't think I'd be open to even messing around with any of the numbers!

Update on all the dudes in my life:
#1 - He's been cranky with me, we are supposed to go out tomorrow - not sure we will.
#2 - Haven't talked to in two months.
#3 - Can trip on his pierced dick and die :)
#4 - THANK GOD, no interaction!
#5 - Buddy, probably mad at me right now. These days I can't tell.
Mr. D - Dead in the water. Hasn't called or talked to me basically since the awesome Saturday night fiasco.
Psycho Guy: See above. I may become a lesbian.
Pierced Tounge Guy: Called at 2am yesterday ... gee what could that mean? B-O-O-T-Y C-A-L-L, no thanks - I'll pass.

When it's spelt out like that - kindda makes it seem like I've had an active relationship life, but really folks - it's all words and not much glamour.

Count Down to the Weekend

I love Fridays, the anticipation of leaving work and not coming back over the weekend is thrilling. I start listing all the things I want to do over the weekend, only to throw them out as the time comes.

I'm hoping today is a no disaster kind of day. The guys at work are playing hockey over lunch, I'm going to extend my lunch hour and hit the gym and the bank. I've already signed up for an evening session at the gym, but I always feel better when I come back and lately I haven't been extending that extra effort there.

Here's also hoping that my father leaves me alone this weekend. Earlier this week he asked me if I would be interested in doing his books - I told him that I honestly wasn't. He quipped that he pays me more than my job and I should do it. This kills me. On one hand he complains that I always say yes to things and I need to start saying no - then when I do, he lays on the load of my situation. I told him that I really wasn't interested - then he told me I needed to check my attitude.

On Wednesday night I was getting ready to go out when he called (Yes, called - I was in the basement and he was up stairs) and he asked me when I was planning on paying rent and "reminded" me that I needed to do his books and wanted to know when. Lovely, lovely, lovely. He will find a way to weasel out of paying me mind you and I have to deal with at least 6hrs of interactions with him, him scruitinizing my every entry and every inch of my life. It's no wonder I'm so miserable.

So the weekend has technicallly been laid out for me - Saturday I'll do his books, Sunday is the Super Bowl and I'm gambling with my mom for awhile. #1 mentioned going out last Saturday, but I'll assume that isn't going to happen since he's never been good at keeping with plans and I'm not sure I should even go out since I'll be beaten to hell by my dad during the day. Therefore if we do go out and I drink, it'll be the holy hell fire of emotions again.

I was pleasantly surprised that I miscalculated my raise on my check this week by about $50.00, that means I may be able to buy some groceries this week and that it eases up my tight budet a bit. That $50.00 will start collecting in my FU fund to get out of that damn basement and back to independent life.

The heart pounding-hands shaking-please don't let me even smell a beer kind of morning

I went out to see a buddy of mine bowl since it was our bye week - it was interesting. Ended up at an old bar I used to hang out with (sans the original friend - but I was there with two new ones). Funny how little corner bars don't change in three years...

Anyhow - met two guys, nothing to call home about, but I was all for the attention. I watched my beer intake, occassionally switching to water because buzzed driving, is drunk driving.

This is a slight side note but ... I go through girl stages, I wear skirts and carry purses and then I switch to jeans/tshirt/put my cash in my pocket phases. I'm in the second, not girl, stage. This comes into play here ...

So, I occassionally have something to do and will leave my cell phone & keys unattended on a table, this is a mistake - the two kindly gentlemen that I was hanging out with last night got my phone number from it.

Both would be great to hang out with - one would be great to make out with. The non-make out guy has reached CRAZY levels. Since 8:00 this morning (it's 11:30) he's text messaged 26 times and left two voicemails. No matter my responses of "I'm at work - very busy" he still is persistant. Finally I text messaged him, "Listen - bowling hanging out is fine and let's leave it at that" - he text messages back "I see where I stand." You went from having a chance to go out with me to being psycho - not good in a 3 1/2 hour period. Better to find out now.

The other dude has a tounge ring. After the dick ring, I wasn't so sure I wanted piercings in my mouth - but I still kissed him at the end of the night and it was an okay kiss. We shall see, he is a youngin'

So, with three hours of sleep and a slight hang over I'm thinking perhaps it's best for everyone involved if I take a hiatus from dating/making out because it doesn't seem to lead to good things - just psycho messages.

How sad to google ...

A little brief history for those of you not into classical stories or Brad Pitt buff and naked. When Achilles met with his mother before leaving for the Trojan War he was posed this question, "You can choose to live out a life of nothing and be happy forever, yet no one will remember you except your kin - and that will only be for a few generations or you can fight this war and live forever in the stories, countless people will mutter the name Achilles."

Achilles (if you didn't already know) chose a short life so that his name would live on; however, upon evaluation of his former he chose his next one to be a farmer and live a long life - short of being infamous in history.

So nowadays we can see who is infamous or not on a little website called "google." We've all done it, typed in our names or someone else's to see what we could find. How sad it is when the search pulls up nothing. It's then when you take a deep breath and resign yourself to do something that will be noticed by the web searchers, something grand, something that makes a searcher double take and think - damn, good call on her.

Right now google shows nothing for me - but by the end of the year, I resign myself to a grand venture that will get me noticed.

The blah, blah, blahs

Nothing overly thrilling to report.

I texted messaged Mr. D who is apparently feeling like crap still - I offered soup, no response. Ah, guess that's done with.
Thankfully, have not been in communication with the lovely #1, that's just bad drama all over again.

Didn't get as much accomplished as I would have like yesterday, too much playing with the baby. Last night she kept throwing her head backwards to look at the cat - but ended up throwing her head on my knee. Her face turned bright red and my mom informed me to stand up right then and rock her. Oops, I'm getting maternal - just not all there yet.

Today is a fun filled day of not-much-work (thank god), a board meeting (get out of work early!) and taxes (yipee Mr. Refund). I've opted to have a day off of the gym, perhaps I will pop in the old yoga tape (yes, TAPE - that's how old) and do a little meditating tonight.

I've also decided I'm over the bar scene-guy deal. I don't want to get drunk every night - I want REAL dates. I guess I need to find a REAL man first ...

Absolutely delicious ...

Our pitch went well at work - so well that they are still chatting, which means that I get to sneak out of here at 5:00! I'm headed to a PM session at the gym since I went a tad bit over board on the caloric intake today and I think I'll pop in my Yoga tape for my relaxation tonight, not to mention my mom is babysitting the baby for my sister again which means I may get to rock the little square head to bed again :) I think I should probably do my taxes as well come to think of it. Okay! Busy night!

I've been sex crazy lately - but still on path with my new years resolution, though teetering. I could just use the one night, the five minutes ... the feel of my naked skin against a girthy body (BODY I said not anything else ---), hot breath on my neck ... perhaps I should see what Mr. D is up to? Perhaps not ... I bet he's damn manly naked. Good thoughts, good thoughts.

I do have to say that picture which includes my naked leg is turning me on - is it wrong that it's turning me on? Nah. Means all this hardwork is paying off.

I can tell you one thing for sure, not going to call #1 up ... nope. I actually felt horrible after he kissed me (and this isn't the first time I've felt that way).

I've got all these crazy pictures in my head for the campaign I've been dreaming up, I should put some effort into sketching them up. I also want to ditch this generic background on my blog and customize a bit! So much going through my head ... should have watched the caffine today.

The start of something new

One of my greatest passions is photography and it's one that I've been ignoring for awhile. To up my mood, I've opted to create a photography campaign. Here's one of my first photos I'm working on - an all black & white campaign. More to come!

A little piece of me that I keep forgetting

When I was 21 I got out of a bad relationship. I was a classics major and decided to add a piece of me that would remind me that I was born again and free and that no one could take that away from me, so I got a piece of artwork on my back - a beautiful phoenix.

I don't see it everyday as a reminder, so occassionally I take a picture of myself drenched just in a blanket and I place it on my bookshelf. I did it again this weekend, partly to see if you could tell how much weight I've gained/lost from a couple of years, partly to help me feel sexy and remind me not to loose my curves and partly to tell myself that I escaped one bad relationship and I'm a new person.

This also goes into the fact that I need to start hiding who I am. To tell you honestly, this tattoo belongs only to me and anyone who sees it will know instantly it's owner. It's a baby step in exposing who I really am and taking credit for my work.

Trailer Trash? Rough Weekend

Since the last post was an intoxicated one - I'll recap the weekend here.

Friday sucked. I wanted to go to the gym and busted my a$$ to get out of work - but no. I'm stuck here until 7:30 and cranky as hell. I went home and went to bed.

On Saturday I woke up, went to the gym. My knee still throbbed, so I tried swimming instead and chilled in the hot tub a bit. I went home, cleaned my car and started laundry. I had to drop the little bro off at work, so I hit up my stomping ground for a drink (in my much too big, yet still sexy, black skirt). Had a bit of fun with text messaging - hit up Mr. D & #1.

All the sudden my phone rings, it says it's #1. I pick it up "hey darling." The voice says it's not my darling - OMG! It's one of his friends who entices me to come to the dart tourney they are playing in. The big issue with #1 was the "dirty secret" factor - but here it is, his friends know now. Mr. D also called, still cranky - I invite him to the dart tourney and then to grab dinner.

I arrived to the jubilient hugs of #1's friends. It was nice. Two hours later Mr. D showed up, I told him we could leave for dinner - he just ordered soup to eat there. I bounced between him and #1 (who knew he was coming) and then it was 8:00, time flew by. I walked him to his car, picked up my bro and headed back to the tourney.

They had lost but #1 was still there - I drove him to his car and that's when my pathetic melt down happened. It started with "What was that guys deal?" I explained we had been seeing eachother for about a month now and he just had mouth surgery. He got on that friend-defensive, "You looked amazing tonight and the only time he noticed was when you were talking to us." I told him I did feel a bit jaded by the issue. He kissed me.

(This is the pathetic part - no mean comments about it, it is an explanation of how completely miserable I am in my life right now)
He quit in the middle because he said he knew something was up and just not right. He wanted to know what happened. I spilt the beans about #3 and all that jazz. That's how it started. In shock he said, "Did you have sex with him?" I just shook my head and he hugged me a bit in distress. He assured me someday I will find someone. I shook my head no.

He got pissed, rightfully so. But here's the thing - I'm not going to pretend to be all happy-go-lucky around him - the major benefit of #1 is I get to be 100% myself and he needs to accept the fact that yeah, I am a girl.

I told hiim about our family conversation the other day, how my sister will give me her engagement ring - because I'll never get (another) one. I told him it was funny at first but she's right, I won't. He kept yelling "You're only 25. I'm 30 and I'm not worried." Then I uttered something I think all the time - I just should have married my fiancee when I had the chance. That was the epitimy of the night.

I was in tears and it just kept coming. I told him every morning I wake up and realize how pathetic I am. Every morning I hope something will happen where I'll end up dead and just end this terrible mess. Now that's not something a person says, but hack it up to too many beers and there it was - the truth.

He told me that I was smart and I was pretty - why if I had such little confidence am I going to the gym all the time? The truth, so someday some body will crave looking at me. Because it's the only thing I have a slight amount of control about right now.

He said we had to continue this later. I drove home and sat in my shower bawling, letting the smell of cigarettes and booze wash off of me. I deleted Mr. D's number. I'm sick of contacting him - he'll need to make up for the rejection now. I went to bed.

A night of on/off sleeping ended and I went to have family breakfast by my mom's as I do every Sunday - only to get a call from a very angry father about laundry and everything else that's wrong with his pathetic excuse for a daughter. I begged him to not be an asshole to me that morning. He hung up. He called back immediately, ridiculing me and telling me I'm nothing but trailer trash and will spend my life alone. I told him to watch his tounge and to take note that I'm looking for a new place to live.

In tears, I couldn't eat. My mom was so angry she called him and in her nicest fashion said she would come over and help me clean. She walked into my place and said, "This isn't bad at all." It took us 15 minutes to clean everything and then as a "reward" we decided to practice gambling for Vegas at the local casino. We ended up winning :) and put the money away for Vegas. Secretly, I wanted to keep the cash and put it into the moving out fund but it was her cash to start with so I went with the flow.

I went to my sister's house that night and rocked the baby to sleep. It was calming. I got some of my pent-up dad's an asshole aggression out on her and we watched her DVRed Ghost Whisperer. I went home, caught Grey's Anatomy and went to bed.

I didn't wake up to go to the gym this morning.

How pathetic is ...

Crying on the shoulder of the only guy you've ever had feelings for? I went out with Mr. D tonight, still recovering from his mouth surgery and only to be 100% rejected and have #1 (who was also there) say, "why wasn't that guy into you? You looked hot ..."

Well that was it, I was all tears and, it was mostly the beer, that devoluged my inner most feelings. "I want to run away to Canada but I don't have 10K and I'm hoping this cancer scare is real so I can reject treatment and die in piece." He asked me why I go to the gym so much and I admitted - because I hope someone one day finds me attractive beyond just wanting to have sex with me, but no matter how I try it hasn't happened.

The sad thing is he's the only guy I was okay with just being me around. He told me it kills him to see me this way, why do I try so hard to be that "girl" - I told him because I want to not be the transition girl, but that's what I am. I'm the fuck in between girlfriends. It was disgusting - but it was the truth. He told me he wished he didn't have to go to a friend's birthday, he'd just let me cry all night. God, that's all I've ever wanted - that reaction.

Pathetic, but true. Now I'm curled up with the only boy that loves me back - my cat.

It felt good to cry, to release. We'll see what else this life brings.

Decision time ...

Again, my knee was so sore this morning. This is putting a damper on my gym schedule. I figured I'd go anyway and hope that it loosened up when I got there - it didn't. I made the decision to do a bit of weights and then sit in the hot tub.

I then opted to go to the store and get some hair dye - not to change karma (because that doesn't work) but to help myself feel sexy. While there I saw this kick a$$ skirt and decided it was a steel at $10 - so I decided to buy it and that I WILL go out tonight.

Thing is, I got home and tried it on, lesson learned - TRY THINGS ON IN THE STORE! I may not be downing the pounds as I would like but it just didn't fit, it's huge! So now I'm really feeling sexy!

Guess no gym tonight ...

I am still at work - 12 glorious hours, no lunch break and way too much office munchies. I'm exhausted - too exhausted to do anything but go home and go to bed; but that isn't happeneing for another hour or so, then add in the 45 minut drive - I'll get home and be wired.

I've been feeling a bit sluttly lately, to no avail as usual... maybe I can get some people to go out tomorrow or Sunday.

I've given up on Mr. D, I have a short attention span and he's exceeded it now. It's not like I want to be with someone every day or even talk to them that often - but it's going on three weeks here and I'm just getting anxious to get some.

Lord, I need to clean out my cube this weekend. I can't even walk in it or anything!

Back to the bump and grind and then hopefully to home and to bed!

Ow - my aching knee

Last night was so relaxing. My sister has taken in a little baby (she's 10 months now) who's Mom died of cancer. It's pretty sad, she was diagnoised shortly after having the baby and spent the next several months in the hospital until she died about a month ago. The little girl has TERRIBLE seperation anxiety from being bounced back and forth so much, it's so sad. Around 8:00 she was a bit tired and I just sat there and rubbed her back until she fell sound asleep. My sister showed up about 15 minutes later to take her home - what I wouldn't have done for a couple more minutes of holding her, it was so comforting. I got my baby fix on for a little while - but not too long, as I still don't want them at this point (pretty much would need to find a guy to help out with that anyhow).

I woke up this morning with a throbbing knee, I must have slept on it funny. Decided to skip the gym and do some work from home instead to give it a break. Hopefully, I'll feel up to par so I can hit the gym tonight and at least work in a bit of cardio.

I didn't answer the phone all day at work since I was so busy, the light is blinking and killing me! At noon I had 6 messages - I'm sure I'm up to about 12 now and all of those maronic guys asking about batteries. They drive me nuts!

Should get back to work, those messages aren't going to answer themselves.

Things may be starting to look up

So I've decided to go with the option of the second job (thanks BZ). I was looking for the paper and my old gym is hiring a bartender PT/nights, some weekends AND you get a free gym membership! I used to go to this bar and knew one of the guys who bartended - he didn't make a ton of cash or anything, but that gym membership would save me money every month and every cent that I would make would technically be "bonus" move-out cash. I think I will stop by after my workout tonight and see if it's still open.

On the boy front, Mr. D isn't feeling to hot having his wisdom teeth yanked out and all but I am looking forward to seeing him sometime in the near future - hopefully this weekend...

I spent some quality time with my mom last night (#3's biggest supporter) and told her about the text conversation - she was appauled by it. She said what another girl at work told me - he puts on this "I'm a nice guy" front and then it turns out he's just like the rest of him. We won't push the relationship anymore ... so tell me about Mr. D and how that's working out...

I'm not sure if it's the fact that #3 is out of the picture or if it's the fact that I might kind of like Mr. D, but I'm actually opening up myself up to the possibility right now.

Gotta get in 15 more minutes of work and then it's off to the gym for a short workout only to be followed to another gym routine after work (oh yeah, and 15 minutes in the tanning bed :) )

Well ain't that a kick in the face ...

Bad, bad, bad. I'm doing some research for work on facial hair - which #3 has plenty of, so I thought I might be able to interview him, not to mention get to see him because we all know that I have feelings for him. It was all over text, and here's how it went.

MG: So, what's the possibility of me interviewing you on your facial hair strategy?
3: If you can catch me sure.
MG: Your house one hour.
I then did an interview with two guys, so I was a way from my phone for about 5 minutes, so he got a bit nervous
3: Actually, I have choir practice.
3: Actually, I was feeling major guilt over last time.
3: And, well, I met someone last week and we got along uber good (sidenote: you are 35 and you just said uber?)
3: She's a nerd just like me, it's great. Great conversation, great everything (little salt in the wound, how the hell are you supposed to respond to that?)

I've now returned to the on slaught of four text messages, thoroughly punching me in the stomach. Great, I'm a fabulous transition girl. Out of the last six guys I've dated, seen, FBed they all (except one) immediately got into a relationship following our break up.

MG: Great! Couldn't happen to a better guy.
3: She's great, and thanks.
MG: That's what I'm hear for, or so they say.
3: What's that supposed to mean?
MG: I'm a cap.
3: Then I'm psychotic.
MG: I get what you are trying to say here and not sure how to respond (he's a gemini - dual personalities)
3: I'm a gem.
MG: Hello old man - classics degree, I got that.
MG: We are done texting now, right?

Two hours later, while on the phone with Mr. D (who is going in for surgery tomorrow) I get the response "Yeppers."

I toyed with the idea of just deleting his number so that I will no longer be tempted to communicate with him, but i didn't.
In my desperation I also texted #1 that I was sorry for everything, turns out I was wrong in my new years resolution - I can't be the person I was hoping to be.

That was the lightbulb of the evening. I've done what I could to be the good girl, to be the marriage material, to be the girl that can drink a beer with you and the boys then turn around and screw your brains out in the bathroom of the bar. There are comments that always come in hand after each of the men I date:

(1) You are so awesome, you are beautiful and you taught me what it was like to be in a good relationship.
(2) My self esteem went up when I was with you (sidenote: which is why I cheated on you and/or started seeing other people)
(3) I've never had so much fun with sex in my entire life (sidenote: obviously doesn't apply to the situation with #3)

And the fact is that maybe I'm just the transition girl and there's nothing wrong with that, just need to guard the old heart a little bit more.

This rejection is a good thing too, it means that I'm getting my butt in shape. Yes, I go to the gym all the time but I'm really not putting that extra effort in and I'm not watching what I'm eating. The next time he sees me, I'll be in a bikini with abs to die for. It also means that I'm letting go (hail to Carrie Underwood) and it's an opportunity to not hang onto the image that we should be together, which leaves me open for better (and more richer :) ) things.

My stomach just grew two inches

I weighed my options as such around noon today. I could go to the gym for 15 minutes (travel time+showertime=45min) or I could work through it and get to leave here around 5:15 to make it for my 6:05 tanning appointment and potentially work out for an additional hour. But then comes the wild card of do I have a date with Mr. D tonight? I don't think I do - but his teeth are getting pulled tomorrow and he agreed (on my way up to the UP) that he owed me a date.

In my nothingness this morning, I grabbed a stained shirt (I think I posted that? My head is all clouds today) and I really don't want to see him with a stained shirt, though low lighting would help conceal it. I'm tempted to make the move and call him today but he NEVER calls me and perhaps I shouldn't be so easy (not in the sex sense - I'm still keeping with those resolutions). That is the random rant of the hour.

Back to my options, so instead I ordered a wrap from the local deli and pigged out - all out and it wasn't even that good. I feel like my stomach is two inches larger right now and I'm getting tired from being so full, stupid, stupid girl.

Lately my mind has been drifting to my life long goal of owning my own pub. My friend from IA and I had started this idea a few months before she left and I occassionally write articles and keep them in my documents folder (some of which I posted back when I started this blog). Here's the concept: The pub is for REAL women and would showcase articles and fashion shoots with real people. A lot of this came to being when I was struggling with eating disorders (if you want to know all the horrific tales of what I did to my body over the last decade plus - it's my first entry on Fabulous at 25). I wished I could open up a pub and see real women looking beautiful and articles that pertained to me. Originally the concept was geared towards that akward not Seventeen but not Cosmo age range; however I now qualify in the market of Cosmo so I'd be a bit off. To continue ... it's always something I wanted to do and something I'm pretty sure I could be pretty good at, just never had the funds to start it off, but with my mind wandering back I'm starting to think that an online version might be easy to handle and start a readership base. Not sure, just one of those things I'm throwing out there.

It's already 2:00 here and time is flying by - though, now that I've looked, it might just creep by for the next three hours. I'm having some focus issues right now so I took a break, but if I'm going to make that tanning appointment I better hop back to it.

I have a dirty little secret ...

I am attempting to clean. I swear. But here's my dirty little secret. I usually wash my sheets every week, but I didn't because I was in Michigan. Once and awhile I spray down my sheets with a body spray - today, Plumeria - so that I feel sexy for the night - even if it is by myself.

And that's my literal, dirty little secret.

I've said it 100 times ...

I need to move. I came home from a relaxing trip to the U.P. only to have a note written by my father about how I need to keep up my place better. I pay this man a lot of money a month to live in his basement (it's supposed to be an arrangement to "save" money; however taking a good chunk of disposable income a month doesn't quite save money) and, in reality, I have not been saving as I had planned because no matter how many times I try to convince myself to move out - I can't seem to put the money away. On top of it all, he keeps mentioning how broke he is, so a bit of daughter-fed guilt has made me not take the plunge and save away for getting out.

I managed to get myself into a lot of college and post-college debt and don't really have the credit rating to pay a standard move-in of security deposit plus first month's rent (not to mention get the "free" deals that are going on right now), instead I'm faced with a double security deposit and first months rent (which around these parts comes out to about $2000). So instead of relaxing last night I crunched numbers to see how long it would be before I could move - 7 freaking months and that's being pretty damn stingy. That leaves me a mere $200 a month for groceries and gas (gas alone these days is about $240-$300). To top it off, I was hoping my tax return might make for the down payment - but it turns out one year post college means no HOPE credit and means a total of $80 for a return.

I looked desperately around my destitute living quarters and silently tallied up the cost of everything I own, which sadly would realistically be around $300. I had sold everything good a couple months back as I was trying to make rent and pay back my student loans.

So here are my options:
(1) Continue being miserable, living at home. Not wanting to come home, because I live in my dad's basement and I'm 25.
(2) Live in Dad's basement for 7 months to try and save up the money to move out. 7 long months.
(3) Find another job to occupy what little free time I have to make up the income and possibly move out in 3-4 months.
(4) Find a roommate, move out and have to live with a roommate, again. Which never really works out for me.

I go back and forth on the second job, I'm dead tired as is and have no free time - but I'm going to look anyway. I might be able to make just enough to work at the position for ONLY the month before moving and be able to afford a semi-decent place.

Let's hope the other job I applied for calls soon.

Guess what happened ...

For those of you who read the TMI post a couple days back - I am pleased to announce that it was not an issue last night! In fact, it was so good that I had to bite a pillow to stuffle my screams and I promptly fell asleep after! Good advice on the massage is all I have to say! LOL.

I'm gearing up for an exciting weekend in Michigan with the family. I'm hoping there is a bit of snow, as WI doesn't have much around these parts. Besides that, it's always a fun adventure with my family - my brothers and I get along great and I could use a little time out where cell phones don't work and WI-FI doesn't connect. Breathe. No work and it's a good thing.

I've got all my snowbunny attire packed and good to go, hopefully the lodge will supply a good amount of hunky guys to talk to (or at least buy me a Cherry Kiss!). I'll be sleeping on the floor this weekend, the cabin we are sleeping in only has two beds and my little sister is coming up with her boy toy.

I can't wait to get out of here and take a breather! Other good to note mention is NO REJECTION LETTER YET! I'll be calling my latest place on my way out of here (count down 2 hours, 15 mintues) and trying to negotiate an interview. Yipee!

Things are going to change around these parts ...

Two Nights in a Row?!

Now, I'm a very laid back person and it takes a good amount to tick me off to the point where I don't want to talk to you again. This being said - when you cross that line, it's damn near impossible for you to hop back over to my good side.

On that note, Mr. D was supposed to fill in at leagues last night (after some sweet talking on my part because of his absence the night before) but he decided he was "too tired." Which was fine, I had to sober bowl anyway (bowling and drinking mix - I scored 53 sober :( ). But I was a little perterved. I'm not fond of being blown off two nights in a row ...

Bowling ended early and, since I was sober, I hightailed it out of there as quick as I could. Around 10:00 he called, I answered. We talked for 45 minutes, which was nice and I slept well after that (I even got up early this morning - but promptly went back to bed), but I'm still reserving the right to play hard-to-get or maybe not even at all.

Which leads me to this morning. My alarm went off at 4:45, I got up - was wide awake - but decided to not go to the gym, after all I ate WAY too much bad-for-me things. I will try my best to go over the lunch hour today.

Late night phone calls ...

At 10:30 I was still up but not in a mood to talk to Mr. D upon his phone call, so I let it hit VM. An apologetic, forgot about football message was supplied and a can't we get together Wed, Thurs or Friday. Guess what? We can't. Not because I'm being a bitch - but because you really need to book me before Monday, as I fill up pretty fast.

Tonight is leagues which means temptation island without the sex but definitely a little bit of cheating. I'm limiting myself to splitting a pizza and ONE beer, which we all know is not an easy accomplishment for me :)

Tomorrow should be very low key, after work I need to pack my bags for the annual trip to the slopes with the family in Michigan. This weekend should be quite relaxing. We leave in the early afternoon and should arrive before the sunsets. I'm excited to get away, I think it's what I need to sort things out, plus the family is always fun.

And the plot thickens ...

So my date with Mr. D didn't happen because he didn't call and he didn't return my calls. Hey how about seeping a little further down the hill there MG?

In turn I did go to the gym and I felt good about it. Since I've been feeling crappy, I haven't gone to my PM sessions - maybe that's what's wrong.

In other good news - no rejection letter yet from the new job I applied for :) I revamped my primo resume from business to "me" - including my little quirky lines, such as "I hope my qualifications meet your expectations and I hope to sweet talk you into a meeting. I'll be in contact on January 20th." That's me - it's time I stop hiding it.

Any tips on getting out of bed?

So here's how I can tell I'm really not happy ... two months ago I was an up-at-4am-working-out-girl, about one month ago I moved the alarm clock away from the bed so I had to move to turn it off and get up at 5:30 (still 2hr work out, not bad) - now I'm not getting up until 6:45, just in time to roll myself out of bed, grab work clothes and work out for a menial 20 minutes or so before hitting the shower to pretty myself up. Today, my shoes didn't match my outfit. MY SHOES. Not that I had two different kinds on, they were just the wrong brown and for god's sake, we are talking about SHOES. This is an area I just don't screw up!

Side Note: The thing about shoes is that no matter what amount of weight you put on, they always fit. If you have only $15 in your wallet you can go to Payless and find a pair of cheap shoes that make you happy for about two days, if you have $800 in your wallet, you can find a nice pair that will make you happy for a week (impure thoughts as I've never had $800 and don't own a pair of shoes over $50 - but I have enough to add up to that amount...)

So I need to know how I'm going to handle getting up in the morning, my work schedule has been hellauv hectic - so by the time I'm done after 12+ hours, my bed is looking nice instead of the weights at the gym. My mini-love life that I do have going on is somewhat suffering over the discontent of what to do (or not to do).

For instance, on Sunday Mr.D and I had a lovely conversation in which I twirked that I was his Monday night date, to which he responded, "Not anymore - 24 starts again tomorrow." (nothing like being replaced by a TV show - does Jack Bauer put out for you? ... wait, don't answer that ...) So he suggested we do something Tuesday, or in other words, tonight.

Normally I'd be done for it - but I just keep thinking that I haven't been to the gym enough lately and I'm feeling jiggly. How can I be a sexpot when I'm concerned with the way my pants hug my love handles? Actually, probably get naked and that solve it .... change of subject, sorry. Back to my point, I feel like I SHOULD go out because it might help me get over the hump of discontent but I feel more so that I HAVE TO go to the gym. What comes first, the feeling sexy or the being sexy? The feeling.

But on the opposite hand, tomorrow is bowling league (yes, I proudly wear my white-trash, I'm doing this for work t-shirt) in which he WON'T come (already invited) and Thursday night I pack for my weekend trip to Michigan for some skiing. So the opposite hand says, "This is your chance ..." while my rational mind is saying - hold your horses girl!

And the ski trip brings me to my next point, I miss #3 in all his Catholic choir boy glory. He hasn't called/wrote/text messaged. He's an avid participant in Michigan, and I secretly hope I met him on the slopes (and then in one of the lodges for a quick rendevous ...).

Then finally, I've been day dreaming about my hopeless ex these days - his light blue eyes pierce my dreams at night and occupy my indecent thoughts in the shower. What's a girl to do?

Work out the frustration at the gym or work it out on Mr. D?

A hopeless hour to decide ...

Something to think about

When I was blog-hopping today, I stopped at BZ's blog and it got me thinking ....

If money was no object, would you move out of your life you have right now and start fresh or resume an old life?

I would move and start fresh. I'd go to Canada or Alaska and I'd just dig in the scenery and start as someone completely new. I'd screw my first name (I hate it anyway) and go by my middle - I'd even legally change my last name. Now I know it sounds like I'm running, but when you grow up in a small community and you've established yourself in it's larger community you are your past and I'd screw it all for a fresh start.

You?

Something's wrong ...

This is going to be a TMI (too much information) post but I gotta share it.

I'm a big fan of Sex and the City - in the episode where Miranda's mom dies, Samantha has problems cumming because of pent up emotions. Pay attention to this next time things aren't going well in the sack - you'll notice it's actually true. Too many pent up emotions doesn't let you get to that point, or at least not for a lot of people.

To continue with my story, out of pure boredom last night, I got out my purple friend. After 30 minutes, nothing. I'm a frequent user, so I know just how to do it right that it could occupy less than 30 seconds of my time. In my frustration, I changed the batteries - which made a BIG difference, but 30 minutes later I was just feeling numb. Now, I'm not only bored but frustrated as well.

This is going to take some mental digging to figure out what is exactly pent up and then have at it again.

Unrealistic Expectations

This post will draw criticism probably - but I need to write it down.

I realistically don't believe that I've ever been in love. I've faked it, just like I've faked an unhealthy amount of orgasms and I've been infactuated to the point where I've believed I might be in love - but I've always put unrealistic expectations on the other person as "signs" that we should be together.

Case in point. This is what my ideal guy is and will do. He will be 8-10 years older than me, graduated from High School with some technical education - preferrably in construction. He'll be stocky, have blue eyes and at least one tattoo. His shoulder span will be larger than me, but I will be as tall, if not taller than him in heels. He will be a breast man (because that's the best feature I've got going for me). He will have a bit of a receeding hairline and keep it shaved a bit.

What he will do within the first two months of meeting me ... upon meeting me, he will tell me that I have gorgeous eyes and a great smile (I had braces twice, damn right I have a great smile). He should send me flowers - ideally (but not a qualification) after one of our first dates but a mandatory after the first time we have sex. He won't be that into PDA - but he will kiss me in public and after one too many drinks, he'll put his hand on my waist.

And that is Mr. Perfect for me. I have never dated a guy that did the actions, but have dated a handful that have looked similar to the description, I usually settle for some of the qualifications - realizing that this is probably a bit too unrealistic. But here's the thing, maybe it's not.

To me, the looks are about 25% of the equation, the actions are what will sell me on him and that's the part that has never existed, perhaps I should search based on that. The truth is that I may have seen too many movies, but looks don't matter at all - the whole sweep me off my feet matters more.

Now, besides the creepy might-be-a-pornstar and the fact that I completely realize he's a player, Mr. D is close to the qualifications. He's short and stocky and that's about it in the looks category. The first time he met he said he couldn't believe how beautiful my eyes were, we kiss in public and after too many drinks, he guides our walks with his hand lightly behind my waist. He's close, but not all the way there and I can't figure out for the life of me if he's serious or not (I'm leaning to the point that he's looking for a quick blow job and a roll in the hay with someone much his junior) - but it's something I will let play out.

Birth Order

Some times I think I went into the wrong business. I'm very inate at reading people and I belive strongly in personlaity differences based on sex, birth order and past experiences. I also think that your "sign" both Chinese and Zodiac effects you. Sometimes I wish that I had been a therapist because I think I'm very good at relating to people and allowing them to share thier thoughts (though the opposite is not always true - hence the anonymous blog as my outlet).

Anyhow, woke up this morning as usual to go to the gym. The last couple of days I've scoped out the pubs at the health club and there's nothing that interesting - except the three month old smut pubs, but I've already read about the gossip in other places, so I stopped at the local Walgreens to pick up some new reading material (and lip gloss, just in case I go out tonight). Disappointed, they didn't have the new Cosmo so I went with the second hand cosmo that is still smutty, but a little more cluttered - Complete Woman.

To my surprise there is an article on birth order, I wish they went into a little more detail, but it was pretty interesting. If you're not familiar here's the basics...

As the first born (which I am not) you are better at leading and like to have responsibility. This person normally has an innate sense of entitlement. IN MY RESEARCH: I've also found that first borns like to bend the rules a bit and our best in relationships to last borns and are REALLY not compatible with only children. The like to feel in control and are used to being the center of attention, so they need to hold steadily in that place.

As the middle child (ding, ding, ding!) you are a peace-maker in your family, are not used to getting their way and enjoy team associated work. IN MY RESEARCH: and in being one myself, they are overachievers because they feel that they lacked approval growing up. They also are overly concerned with people liking them and will take responsibility for anyone not liking them.

As the younger child, they are usually a bit more rambuncious, self-centered and are good sales people. IN MY RESEARCH: I've also found that they will do anything to get the attention of anyone - they are complete spotlight hogs.

Just a little FYI.

Hoping for plans tonight ...

I do not want to sit at home this weekend, the one bad thing about taking myself off of match is that now NO ONE is calling. I really want to practice bowling now that I am on the league for work - I think that could be very grade school fun followed up with my sex-drive being crazy right now so very post-college fun!

Stupid Ex-Boyfriends!

So I'm at work, minding my own business, logged on to MSN during lunch and guess who's on? My ex-boyfriend (the one in reference to #3). He's on a lot, occassionally he emails me his pathetic "I screwed it all up - I still want to be friends" BS, last time it was what gave #3 a huge guilt complex about kissing me.

Anyhow, at lunch here's the conversation ...

Stupid: "How's it going"

Stupider (me): "Fine. You?"

Stupid: "I have a great job, doing what I like, making good money. I'm getting happy." (Okay, I'm short cutting because he's a HORRIBLE speller) "You?"

Me: "Still at same job, working out a lot" (AKA, I'm hot you dumb f*ck)

Stupid: "Yeah, Blah Blah started up a company with 2 million dollars, I have to drive a bit - but I love it, so I don't mind. We have three clients .... more on about myself and how I'm so great ..."

Me: "Good. I'm glad you're happy."

Stupid: "Getting there."

Me: "Good."

Stupid: "So when can I take you out for a drink or a (serious - this is the spelling) byte to eat?"

Me: "When/where?" (OH IDIOT! NOW HE'S GOING TO TELL #3!)

Stupid: "What are you doing this weekend?"

Me: "Actually, it probably isn't a good idea"

Stupid: "Milwaukee Girl, I'm just trying to get our friendship back"

Me: "We never had a friendship and we've been done almost two years. Listen, I'm trying to start off the new year right, I only want people in my life that are concerned about me - not what I can do for them. No offense, but I don't see a benefit in us being 'friends.'"

Stupid: "I value your friendship and honesty - that's why I want to hang out. But, fine, I will respect your choice to no longer have you in my life - I know I was a jerk, but I deserve a chance"

Me: "We WEREN'T friends. And you can tell by your tone that it's still all about you. Look, there's a point in some people's lives were choices have to be made. I told you a million times that I will never be mean to you or ignore you if I see you, but that doesn't mean we have to 'hang out.' I really wish you the best in your future and I hope you find someone who makes you happy and likes you for who you are and I'd hope you'd wish the same for me." (AKA tell #3 it's okay to be with me ...)

Silence.

Me: "Listen, I'm not trying to offend you - just being honest."

MSN: "I'm sorry, the person you were talking to has logged off."

So much for that, "I wish you happiness too." crap I was hoping for.

I was having a semi-decent day, but now I could really go for a cocktail. Screw the gym tonight, I'll work off the calories with my purple friend in hopes of releasing this pent-up energy. And more so, SCREW not smoking, I'm enjoying a cancer stick right about now.

Does this reaction mean I'm not over him? Because I really believe that I am - I think it's just frustration on my end that this dude screwed me over and is STILL screwing me over because I can't be with the one guy that is semi-good for me because he's a dumb a** choir boy!

STUPID PIERCED DICK!

Friday the 13th ...

I am really superstitious, which means the crazy people come out in the bucket loads tonight, so I do believe I will be staying home tonight.

Speaking of crazy people ... have you ever noticed that you can check people's profiles on your MSN messenger? I thought I'd check on Mr. D for a little background info ---- his profile was marked "adult content - must be 18 to enter" Hmmm? Turns out MSN erased the profiles of people on January 1st with this kind of marking. It said it included "adult visuals & language." This scares me a bit - perhaps he didn't think I'm easy, maybe he's just trying to break into the porn industry...

In my downtime last night, I started thinking about vices people have (right after the adult content search) - I admit I have alot of them, most of them I should probably ditch but I don't go head over heels for a good portion - so I think I'm okay. I enjoy smoking, drinking, sex, center-of-attention, caffine and gambling. What I don't enjoy is drugs - i think that's the only vice I'm missing. Food for thought.

I've decided to start a weightloss blog - check it out in links! Let me know if you're interested in joining, we may be states away but that doesn't mean that we can't be weightloss buddies!

Post Review Post

Review went fairly well today, now is the big decision to stay or go... I did get a raise, a little less than I had hoped but being that I wasn't going to get one at all it makes me extremely happy! The next couple weeks is the waiting game to see what's going on with the other job and what their decision will be in the future.

Booked Vegas, officially, this week! What a great town - feeds into all my vices, smoking, drinking and sex. Of course, I'm going with my mom so I don't indulge in the sex vice, but hey! better to at least get two of them in there!

Weightloss is going well, I think I'll start a blog journal. My goal is 30 lbs by summer, I will look awesome in a swimsuit! I've finally realized that the weightloss is really paying off, my clothes are so big on me now - as soon as the raise kicks in I'm getting some new ones and finding a tailor to take in my favorite old pieces!

I don't think liking Mr. D was a good idea, but we'll see where that goes. The teacher dude left a VM that I promptly deleted before listening to it and then sent a follow up email that I did the same to. I don't think I'm quite ready to take that leap yet. Haven't heard from any of the others, which is good because I'm way too busy to answer those calls!

Beer Hang Over

I'm pretty sure a beer hang over is worse than a mixed drink or martini one, but not quite as bad as a wine one. Holy crap does my head hurt. There went the goal of not drinking.

Went out with a friend from work and Mr. D last night. Turns out I really kind of like him ... that's a new one for me. In the process, he made sure my beer glass was never empty and my friend had to drive home, stopping a couple of times to let me throw up (gross ...) Guess I should have ate before I went.

Not enough hours in the day ....

(Deep Breath). It's probably a good thing that there are not more than 24 hours in a day, because if there was - say, 36 - we'd all have no lives, but sometimes deadlines are a pain in the ass.

Besides being crazy busy and trying to get my pro-bono work done, not to mention my phone ringing like crazy and trying to decide if the gym is a good idea tonight and why I stopped drinking .... the day is going pretty well. I could use a nap. They should really treat adults like pre-schoolers and give us a 30 minute nap in the afternoon, oh wait - that's the lunch hour, something I haven't taken in around three months now.

On one hand, I may have a new job on the horizon, which would be good - but the new job with no benefits type of job. At least it'll give me resume power and I could actually get a bartending job at nights to help support myself. We'll see how that review, that I have yet to prepare for, goes on Wednesday morning.

My usual Monday nights include going to the gym then high tailing it to the stomping grounds with laptop in hand for a little post-work, work. Post-work, work is the pro-bono stuff I was rambling about earlier. I've invited Mr. Delafield (who I'll refer to as Mr. D from now on) out for a cocktail, but on second thought - do I really want him to know what a compulsive worker I am.

Two weeks ago, I enjoyed a chat with the fellow next to me at the bar. Our conversation included whether or not I was a Type A or Type B personality. I told him that three years ago I was a Type A-going-to-have-a-heart-attack by 25 Type A. These days, I thought I was a Type B, more relaxed and passive. He told me that the laptop after hours (especially since I started work at 7am and it was now 9pm) was a clear giveaway that I was still a Type A. Now, I realize he was right. Even though I'm past 25 and have not had a heart attack, I wouldn't be surprised if it hit with in the next five years.

I guess I should put the blog down and get back to work...

Do we get easier as we get older?

As you can see, my day has been quite boring and when this happens I think a lot.

Here's my latest ponder. As we get older, do we get easier? Case in point, remember the first interaction you had with a person you were attracted to. You told all your friends, "We held hands ..." they were in awe and now they look at you like a crack fien or question whether he's straight. Then when you get a little older, you kiss on the first date and that's a pretty good step. A bit years later, there's a good chance that a good date is at least your shirt is off and by the time you're in your late twenties there's a good chance you're ready to give it up in some way on the first date.

So why do we get easier as we get older? I think you realize time is precious and perhaps you don't want to waste the next months on a poor kisser or a bad lay - so we want to do it right away, just to see.

True or no?

Who needs a man?

I have a cat. Actually, I have two. Both abandoned presents from ex-boyfriends. The littlest one, just over a year, I didn't even want. Turns out he was the one good thing that came out of dating the old guy.

You see, he is absolutely the dumbest thing on the planet (the cat, not the ex - wait, no the ex too)- but he's a good boy. This cat is such a man it's ridiculous - he doesn't even sleep with his legs closed and when it's warm he likes to put his "manly" parts right in front of the air conditioner to cool off.

As I spend time relaxing at home, I'm getting anxious to go. I wanted to listen to music and country is the only station playing music videos right now. So now I'm just sitting here getting depressed. At that very moment, my little boy cat happily runs and jumps on the bed, head butts me and purrs, then promptly lays on his back, legs wide open and sleeps. This makes me think - he's the only boy I've slept next to in a year and a half - and hey, he's the best damn boy that I've ever slept next too.

So on that note, who needs a man when I have this cat? LOL.

High School Work Out

This is in an earlier post - but so you don't have to look back, I'll recap.

When I was 18 I was engaged to the guy I dated through out high school. Not the best material - made me feel like crap about my body and convinced me I would never find anyone to love me so I should stay with him. Now, outside persona, everyone loved him and agreed I would never do any better. I kicked our dual drug addiction at 18 after three years of smoking, snorting and injencting and went away to college clean with a friend who never knew about my habits.

My friend and I were extremely close, the three of us always hung out and she adored him. She met a nice guy in college, and they hooked up. Our three some became a four some and all was good. At the end of my freshman year, my boyfriend told me that I had to go to the local college - or lose him. Completely entagled in his web, I couldn't lose him and went to UW-Milwaukee.

He had horrible spending habits so I worked two jobs to help pay his debt and went to school fulltime. One of my jobs was right behind the apartment we shared. One day, burnt out and sick, I got sent home from work. I walked up the hill into our little two bedroom apartment and into our room to lay down. There he was butt naked with a girl from work, screwing her doggy style. He stopped only to get out of her, her to hide in MY comforter and behind MY pillows to tell me it wasn't what it looked like. I went back to work and was consoled by my friends to end the relationship.

I decided I couldn't be engaged any longer a month after the incident and returned the ring that I bought to him. I recounted the story to my high school friend and college buddy only to have her side with him. Five years of friendship down the toilet. We haven't spoke since.

So this morning I go to the gym and after three magazines and 45 on the bike, I go to start my normal weight routine. I walk past the bike on the end and there she sat. I don't know if she saw me, but my blood boiled. Here, at my gym? And then, on top of it, she looked great (but I didn't see a ring in my quick one over so that bit made me happy). So the whole time I watched what she did - I did 15 more on the bike, three more reps of 25 then she did on the weights, 5 lbs heavier than her load. She inspired me to look better than she did.

We exchanged no words, though I'm positive she saw me. Part of me wanted to rekindle our lost friendship, the other part kept quiet, secretly hoping she'd be there tomorrow to whip my ass in shape. The quiet part won and my butt hurts (literally).

So raise your glasses to high school style work outs and a new three month deadline to drop twenty and take racy photographs of myself in a little bikini over a rock! Cheers, cheers!

Where's the coffee?

Yesterday turned out to be a semi decent day. A campaign I worked on turned out great - usual redemption is 5%, we were aiming for 20%, instead we got 99%! That was awesome, great ammo to go into on Wednesday for my review.

Mr. D text messaged me yesterday, I returned his call and we talked for a good 45 minutes. I take that back, I talked for a good 45 minutes and he listened. Maybe I do like him ... He was going to a party, I was going home to relax and celebrate my day by myself (he didn't know this - but with my little purple friend ...). I told him to drunk dial and we talked at 2am, I couldn't sleep - he was being a drunk schmoozer - but not 1/2 that bad at it, so I just took the complements. #3 and I bantered, though nothing came of it, even though I hoped. I just have to realize that it's never going to happen - no matter how many people say he's right, no matter how many times the chemistry takes over, it's just not going to happen. I will not be someone's dirty little secret. I'll be dirty, just not a secret. No word form #1.

I've been ignoring the teacher - just not my thing, perhaps I should be woman enough to tell him? But he's a creepy, stalker type vibe guy and I'd be afraid, very afraid.

In another news, I'm pretty sure that I may have gotten caught in my moment last night. Major downfall to living in your dad's house is that he doesn't respect your area (even when you are paying $425 in rent ...), so he wanders. It was 10 - everyone was in bed and it had been a good day, I deserved a little home-spun loving. So as the sweet humming was going and I was reaching my climax, the shuffle of feet and a faint, "what?" was heard which ended what was sure to be an amazing orgasm. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Last night I was supposed to go to the gym, but just didn't make it there - instead I chowed on a subway sub. Guess I better pack that bag and high tail it right about now - but not until I get my coffee, got a distinct feeling today is a day I'm going to need it.

Don't feel like working ...

Can you tell I don't feel like working? Thank goodness I brought my laptop to work so they can't trace back to me - just to cover basis I'm stealing the internet from the design firm upstairs.

Well I officially signed off and hide my profile on match - sending all the mr.potentials my "real" email. Even sent a "Last Chance" email to the ex. Told him that he looked good, I was high tailing it off of match because I thought it sucked and that I'd hoped we could see eachother. Told him I still hang at our old stomping ground, if he ever needs a drink and I'm there - I'll buy. Aren't I sweet?

Also (because I'm a bad girl! someone spank me! - wait, resolution) - text messaged #3 our little game we play and he bit on it. Not the type of biting I'd like, ie setting up another time we could see eachother but maybe he's not feeling so guilty about our misadventures and I can try this piercing thing out one last time (or multiple times - my excuse is we are friends, technically a "committed" relationship - no?). Actually, let's be honest - the truth is I haven't actually ho-ed around that much and if I'm going to put a notch in my lipstick case (go Pat Benatar!), it better be on more than one occassion - plus I'm a good kisser, I'm a good lay, I give great head - all three of which were terribly off that night and I don't need that reputation!

I don't know what was up the last few days, but I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my old shoes again. My sense of worth is back a bit too which is nice. Something I forgot to post about new years, was that at one point he asked what I was thinking - and I told him honestly, damn my legs look good! As I was at the gym this morning I stood in my towel and thought the same thing for the first time since the "event." Just no tequila - that crap holds water like there's no tomorrow.

Side note: I'm a big fan of magazines, at one point, I will open up my own and fill it with "real" woman who write all my stories and not the "lose the flab - feel fab" bullshit I keep reading in the pubs these days. Well, I was browsing through Ad Age's supplement this month and they had a write up on one of the co-founders of a new pub called Tango. It's about relationships, I signed up to get it so I'll let you all know what I think.

Rambling, rambling, rambling. Must be the combination of the nicotine and caffine (I'm doing better smoking, I swear!)

TGIF!

Thank god it's Friday cupcake! Geez. This week went by pretty fast; however, I'm glad it's the weekend.

I've decided to ditch match.com - I've had three potential guys, not worth the money - let me tell you! I've decided I will email all of them today (including the ex that never emailed me back) with my normal information and then get the high hell out of there! That's what I get for believing love could be found online.

Still no word from #3, I'm toying with the idea of texting him today one of our normal flirtations, but the fear of not getting a response is killing me. I should just do it. I'm sick of the teacher - don't call me 40 times a day dude! You don't drink, smoke or have sex - no interest. Mr. Delafield sent me a rather snotty email and I'm over that.

#1 text messaged me last night, that he knows I don't want him in my life but he's there to talk if I need it. The funny thing is that I do miss him a bit - but it's so hard to distance yourself from someone like him and it just perpetuates the situation. Hmmm. What to do? I'm not at all attracted, yet keep going back. It's not like BZ's Mr. Big (I think #3 fits that category) - it's more like an insane addiction of hope that someone at some point could want me.

The not drinking thing has been going pretty well (minus tequila on Wednesday) and the smoking this is really cut back. I've been doing the AM/PM gym thing, so sticking with that and have not gotten any since the New Year's incident. Overall, I think that the resolution thing is still going well - then again, we are only on day six.

I researched Canada again last night, I'm not sure if I could pull it off or not. Better wait and save some dough - which leds to getting an additional job or getting a new one. Review is next Wednesday, so maybe the money situation will be okay. Who knows these days?

The month of yes is a crock of ----. I've opted to not do it now - too many complications and no more destructive relationships!

I probably screwed myself from getting any this weekend, shaved this morning at the gym - a girl can dream can't she?

Tequila ....

Wow, tequila is not my friend. I have effectively avoided it since my 22nd Birthday - but last night was girls night and margaritas it was. Mr. Delafield is not so happy - I was supposed to meet him out, but ended up being too drunk and too tired to even call. I think this is my way of saying I'm not quite ready for a relationship. I'm toying with the idea of nix-ing myself off of match as to not be put in this position again. I think it's time since I fear even listening to my voicemails, knowing one of these lovely gentleman are not so happy with me at the moment. Eek.

Checking out jobs in Canada

I love Canada - I think it's a great place and I at some point have wanted to live and work up there for awhile. I've decided that perhaps that time is now. I checked out a bunch of jobs last night and am toying with the idea of applying.

I see this as a bit of a cop-out, running away from the little mess that I've made out of my life lately. But, it's also a complete chance of starting over, re-inventing myself. It's either this or go back to school, which isn't out of the question after dishing out a whooping $650 for student loans this month (hello deferment!).

Hey Buddy, I'm not easy!

Despite my rather randy post on New Years - I am not an easy chick; however, I'm starting to think that Mr. Other Night thinks that I am. He's feeling quite jadded that I didn't attempt to do more with him - but I'm not that type of girl, nor do I behave in public as that kind of girl (in private - once I get to know someone - I am that kind of girl).

I am so cranky today that I might just email him that. What do you think of that now kitten? The day is dragging and I can't wait to high tail it out of here and get to the gym to get this aggression out. Boxing match anyone? I think I need to cool off in the jacuzzi awhile. Deep breath.

Update on resolutions - so far so good, but who can really screw that up in only three days. I've decided (not as a resolution, just as a "new me") that I'm not going to drink anymore and I'm getting rid of the smoking with in the next couple of weeks. Time to be a good girl for real and not just pretend to be.

Four grueling hours left at work ...

Oh - There's that ego.

I've been questioning why I bothered with match at all this past month - but I haven't acted on it at all. Now, I realize why.

Last night I enjoyed myself - but still had conflicting feelings, questioning why I was doing what I was doing when I knew I wanted to be with #3 - but here I am making out with a new guy wishing it was the other one. Then it all seems to make sense when I got out of the gym and got a voicemail. The guy from last night tells me I exceeded his expectations and he had a great time. It was instant gratification, no wondering like I do with #3 to see if his conscious kicked in or not. Am I over #3? No. Am I ready to move on? No. Should I wait? No. I've waited over two years and all I get is conflicting feelings - it's time to let him know that I'm done waiting.

So my ego is back - I am sexy, I am wanted by other people. Now I'm excited to move on.

The first of the month of yes ...

The hardest part about last night was the complications with #3. It's so hard to say no to a destructive relationship when you know it's right - but it isn't. I screwed that up with my impatient nature. So here started the first date of the month of yes.

A guy from Delafield - a pretty much cutie pie - asked me out. I said yes (teacher didn't respond earlier today) because, it is the month of yes. We met at my favorite stomping ground - turns out he's actually a decent guy. I didn't flirt, I behaved - even with two huge beers in me. My thoughts drifted to the night before, no matter how his stare penetrated my eyes. Then he told me, "You know, you were wrong - your best feature is your eyes." Something I always thought and always said the guy who said it would capture my heart - and there it was, something #3 has never said. I took a deep breath and let myself go.

We went to another favorite stomping ground - which the bartender commented on how good I look - that made him smile, like yes - that's my date. He told me that I had a kick ass body, which I felt last night with #3 but the words were never spoken. I felt sexy with him, but never heard the words and here they were.

He had one too many beers (buzzed driving is drunk driving kids) and I kissed him to see what was there. I was the aggressor and it was a decent kiss. He called me five minutes later to say the biggest turn on was that I kissed him in the rain. It made me feel wanted.

No destructive relationships. I made that promise, I need to let go - but it's so hard when you feel someone is s o right and is right there. Damn it!

The month of yes continues.

The Month of YES

Okay, I've got a couple weeks of match left - and as inspired by the delightful Glamour this past month - I have opted to do a month of yes. How does this work? Well let me explain.

A woman just wrote a book called "The Year of YES" - she dated everyone who asked her out, no matter who it was. Well, honestly, I pretty much do this with whoever I meet anyhow, but I've been not so into match since teh ex failed to email back - so .... I've decided that this month I will go out with everyone who asks - why? Because I've got terrible choices in men so this will open up my opportunities. So we will see how it will go and all will be reported here - of course.

So I'm trying my best to say no to the destructive behavior - but I couldn't help but joke with #3 that he owed me flowers but I'd let it slide - over text this morning. His response was he'd see what he could do - come on Milwaukee Girl - don't get your hopes up. No destructive relationship. No destructive relationship. No destructive relationship. The more I say it, the less I believe it.

And a one and a two ...

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

As you can see it is now 4AM Milwaukee time and I am up. I did a nice bang up job in self-destruct mode within the last 13 hours. Let's see ...

I met #1 out for drinks, which led to a bit of a romp (slight sex, but didn't go very far cuz slutty didn't have condoms) and led to a half dazed ride home that I was in classic self destruction mode. Let me explain ... this often happens about twice a year, when I realize I've done quite a bit to f*ck up things for myself. Right now, I'm still at a dead end job, no relationship and hadn't had sex for over a year. When I go out, I notoriously pick up the least available guy (for instance - gay) and try my best to be the ultra-cool, doesn't care chick - which doesn't work out to well for me.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that #1 and I have a shady past - but get along well and occassionally make out. However, we've been doing this for around 7 months now and he still hasn't fessed up to his buddies - he even opted for a holiday out tonight with a girl he hates over me. When I got the message I told him no more - I need to start the new year with someone who wants to really be with me. He decided, "Sorry, that's not us."

So fast forward to hours on the way up to #3's for some skiing - I decided to erase the horrible incident with #1, I might as well have sex with #3 (because it wasn't midnight yet ...). Well, everyone ditched on skiing so we watched a movie - he asked me 1/2 a dozen times if I needed anything, I kissed him to shut him up. We started messing around for a couple hours - harmless naked play, cuddling and talking a bit. He leaned over at midnight and kissed me - happy new year. But the clock had struck 12 which meant that my new years resolution to be in a relationship before I have sex was in play. I negotiated a bit and decided it wasn't 12 in California. After finishing the movie - we headed back into his room and attempted to have sex. See, he's HUGE and pierced, which made me hurt - I hadn't had sex in a year, give me a break. It didn't work, he asked me to get on top - I fessed up that I was in pain. We laid there and he said "Don't you want your clothes?" I said "Your naked" He said "But it's my house." Clue taken. Dressed and left at promptly 2:45 without even a walk to the door. On the way back, he text messages that he was sorry. Damn straight you are - but he doesn't know why he's sorry, I looked upset. Okay - we just had sex, granted you didn't get off and I'm bleeding because you freaking split me open - but you kicked me out of your house and treated me like trash, upset - a bit!

So, I've ended that destructive relationship and I've ended #1 which means I've completely crossed out all my numbers and wiped my slate clean. So resolution to add is to have NO MORE DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS.

On that note, I've done it - yes I have made the date with the teacher - my polar opposite. Why? You might ask. Because he's my polar opposite - which means not a destructive guy (at least at the moment). Also, we've entered the month of yes - which I will explain in greater detail after the gym tomorrow.