Crying on the shoulder of the only guy you've ever had feelings for? I went out with Mr. D tonight, still recovering from his mouth surgery and only to be 100% rejected and have #1 (who was also there) say, "why wasn't that guy into you? You looked hot ..."
Well that was it, I was all tears and, it was mostly the beer, that devoluged my inner most feelings. "I want to run away to Canada but I don't have 10K and I'm hoping this cancer scare is real so I can reject treatment and die in piece." He asked me why I go to the gym so much and I admitted - because I hope someone one day finds me attractive beyond just wanting to have sex with me, but no matter how I try it hasn't happened.
The sad thing is he's the only guy I was okay with just being me around. He told me it kills him to see me this way, why do I try so hard to be that "girl" - I told him because I want to not be the transition girl, but that's what I am. I'm the fuck in between girlfriends. It was disgusting - but it was the truth. He told me he wished he didn't have to go to a friend's birthday, he'd just let me cry all night. God, that's all I've ever wanted - that reaction.
Pathetic, but true. Now I'm curled up with the only boy that loves me back - my cat.
It felt good to cry, to release. We'll see what else this life brings.
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