Trailer Trash? Rough Weekend

Since the last post was an intoxicated one - I'll recap the weekend here.

Friday sucked. I wanted to go to the gym and busted my a$$ to get out of work - but no. I'm stuck here until 7:30 and cranky as hell. I went home and went to bed.

On Saturday I woke up, went to the gym. My knee still throbbed, so I tried swimming instead and chilled in the hot tub a bit. I went home, cleaned my car and started laundry. I had to drop the little bro off at work, so I hit up my stomping ground for a drink (in my much too big, yet still sexy, black skirt). Had a bit of fun with text messaging - hit up Mr. D & #1.

All the sudden my phone rings, it says it's #1. I pick it up "hey darling." The voice says it's not my darling - OMG! It's one of his friends who entices me to come to the dart tourney they are playing in. The big issue with #1 was the "dirty secret" factor - but here it is, his friends know now. Mr. D also called, still cranky - I invite him to the dart tourney and then to grab dinner.

I arrived to the jubilient hugs of #1's friends. It was nice. Two hours later Mr. D showed up, I told him we could leave for dinner - he just ordered soup to eat there. I bounced between him and #1 (who knew he was coming) and then it was 8:00, time flew by. I walked him to his car, picked up my bro and headed back to the tourney.

They had lost but #1 was still there - I drove him to his car and that's when my pathetic melt down happened. It started with "What was that guys deal?" I explained we had been seeing eachother for about a month now and he just had mouth surgery. He got on that friend-defensive, "You looked amazing tonight and the only time he noticed was when you were talking to us." I told him I did feel a bit jaded by the issue. He kissed me.

(This is the pathetic part - no mean comments about it, it is an explanation of how completely miserable I am in my life right now)
He quit in the middle because he said he knew something was up and just not right. He wanted to know what happened. I spilt the beans about #3 and all that jazz. That's how it started. In shock he said, "Did you have sex with him?" I just shook my head and he hugged me a bit in distress. He assured me someday I will find someone. I shook my head no.

He got pissed, rightfully so. But here's the thing - I'm not going to pretend to be all happy-go-lucky around him - the major benefit of #1 is I get to be 100% myself and he needs to accept the fact that yeah, I am a girl.

I told hiim about our family conversation the other day, how my sister will give me her engagement ring - because I'll never get (another) one. I told him it was funny at first but she's right, I won't. He kept yelling "You're only 25. I'm 30 and I'm not worried." Then I uttered something I think all the time - I just should have married my fiancee when I had the chance. That was the epitimy of the night.

I was in tears and it just kept coming. I told him every morning I wake up and realize how pathetic I am. Every morning I hope something will happen where I'll end up dead and just end this terrible mess. Now that's not something a person says, but hack it up to too many beers and there it was - the truth.

He told me that I was smart and I was pretty - why if I had such little confidence am I going to the gym all the time? The truth, so someday some body will crave looking at me. Because it's the only thing I have a slight amount of control about right now.

He said we had to continue this later. I drove home and sat in my shower bawling, letting the smell of cigarettes and booze wash off of me. I deleted Mr. D's number. I'm sick of contacting him - he'll need to make up for the rejection now. I went to bed.

A night of on/off sleeping ended and I went to have family breakfast by my mom's as I do every Sunday - only to get a call from a very angry father about laundry and everything else that's wrong with his pathetic excuse for a daughter. I begged him to not be an asshole to me that morning. He hung up. He called back immediately, ridiculing me and telling me I'm nothing but trailer trash and will spend my life alone. I told him to watch his tounge and to take note that I'm looking for a new place to live.

In tears, I couldn't eat. My mom was so angry she called him and in her nicest fashion said she would come over and help me clean. She walked into my place and said, "This isn't bad at all." It took us 15 minutes to clean everything and then as a "reward" we decided to practice gambling for Vegas at the local casino. We ended up winning :) and put the money away for Vegas. Secretly, I wanted to keep the cash and put it into the moving out fund but it was her cash to start with so I went with the flow.

I went to my sister's house that night and rocked the baby to sleep. It was calming. I got some of my pent-up dad's an asshole aggression out on her and we watched her DVRed Ghost Whisperer. I went home, caught Grey's Anatomy and went to bed.

I didn't wake up to go to the gym this morning.