Updates.

Dunt, Dunt, Duh! At this time next week I'll be in the wonderful, warm town of Las Vegas at a roulette table, putting all the money on 8 and 15 sipping a Captain & Diet.

Update on items...

My leg is healing well from the mishap on home plate - my ego is doing much better as well.

Dogsitting is fabulous, but I still miss being in one bed and would die for a good night's sleep. I think the poor boy has an ear infection, but we cleaned them up pretty well last night so I'm hoping it helps.

The whole sister fiasco is still a fiasco, I should have an answer tomorrow. The truth is, now I don't care, I figure I should save money anyhow since I'm looking to move.

Which brings me to the apartment. I still have no ceiling and the landlords aren't pleased that I haven't paid rent. On the phone, one actually told me that she couldn't afford to have it done correctly, so a guy is going to do it on the side. If the fridge fiasco didn't end my want to stay there, that sure did.

I'm still looking for a place and having difficulties really falling in love with anywhere. The loft would be really nice, but I'm a tad-bit wish washy on that too. I'm not IN LOVE with it, plus it would be a bitch to move my sh*t up 3 levels. Then again, we had to lift everything up two levels to get where I'm at now, so it might not be as bad as I think. I just want a home for me and the bumpkin.

Healing time.

That's my update on my leg. Ouch is all I have to say.

In other news ...

On the Match front, Nik actually contacted the BF with a "wink" and an email on her own. She hasn't heard back. When relating the story to my dad, he mentioned to not jump off the deep end - yet. He said the emails that get sent activate you and then promptly brought me to his computer where his profile had been active within 3 days - and he's in love with his girlfriend, "I'm just too lazy to remove it." So I deleted him and decided that the best way to go about this was to see if he responded to Nik.

On the family front - my sister is a bitch. Turns out my mom found out about her surprise party. I talked with her and we decided to still have the party - except that lovely work of art contacted everyone on my party list and switched it to her house! Wait - you get all the credit for my idea? I don't think so ... though, on the bright side, it does mean I won't have to shell out the $700 ...

Championship Game.

We did it. We beat the 10 year champions and advanced to the playoffs. It was amazing. And then we went to the championship game.

The score is 2-2 in the top of the 5th when the changing of the guard happens, I replace E as catcher. In the 6th, I'm finally up to bat. I concentrate hard, "roll your wrists."

First swing. I miss. Shit. Second swing, crack.

I think to myself, What the hell just happened? I just slammed the ball. Run!

And I trip. In the batters box. By the time I get up, the ball is at first and I'm out.

My favorite part.

My moving out letter includes this little paragraph, my favorite part ...

After consulting with my renters insurance I have found out that according to Wisconsin Landlord/Tenant Law 704.07 in section 4, the apartment currently fits under “untentability,” therefore, if the tenant justifiably moves out under this subsection, the tenant is not liable for rent after the premises is deemed untentable and the landlord must repay any rent paid in advance apportioned to the period after the premise became untentable. I am doing my best to try to facilitate moving out by October 1st since the repairs should be done by September 20 according to our earlier conversation. This way the remaining rent for September that I would owe after the premise becomes tentable would be awash with the rent owed from August.

Let's hope I get that loft!

That's it!

Okay, so I go back to my place this morning to take a shower and great ready for work. There's this funky smell, I just figure it's the ceiling which has still yet to be touched.

I go about my business and realize I'm broker than broke, so I figure I'll grab a frozen dinner and be on my merry way for lunch. Except when I open the freezer there's a warm blast. And as I look closer I realize that all the food in is ruined, because the fridge doesn't work.

Son of a bitch.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm out. I talked with my dad about helping me buy a place since I don't have the savings I should, he agreed under way too many pretenses so it's back to the apartment hunt.

I've found crap. If heats included I can go to $750, if it's not, $650. You'd think that could get you something nice in the 'View - maybe with air conditioning. But to no luck. So funny, because I could get that and more at American Colony when I lived there.

But I don't want to move that far away.

Not the added stress I need right now.

Wearing it on your face.

I couldn't play poker, I'd be horrible. Every emotion is always worn completely on my face - like last night when I was out with TW and NG. I drove home thinking that I'd get the balls up to say something, but I didn't. Not that they all couldn't tell that something was up. Which made him a little extra kissy but I just couldn't do it. At 3:00 in the morning I left, $120 in the hole (reminder - don't open a tab and leave it anymore) and this morning I'm awake with a bit of a hang over still wondering what to do.

Online - Oh no.

So my friend Nikki tells me to get online - NOW. She's recently joined Match and was searching for single guys active within 24 hours ... hmmm. There's my boyfriend. Yup, right there, active with in 24. Nothing like that to ruin your day.

To make matters worse, his criteria - not me. What the f*ck?!

Now I get to the point where I decide what the hell to do. Nikki offers to hit on him (they've never met), I turned her down. That would be a total show of not trusting, and I don't want to know his answer to her questions. The second option is to bring it up - something I can't really see myself doing. I could ignore it, but then I'll just sit here wondering.

Son of a bitch.

The Cost of Missing Someone.

With living out of the suitcase the last week, the BF and I have really not spent anytime together. I've decided to go back to town for a couple hours tonight in the hopes of spending just a couple hours talking, laughing and making out.

But, since I'm in suitcase situation, I had to make an emergency stop to Target to get materials, so heres my cost of missing him ...


Sexy backless shirt - $15
Razors to shave - everything - $5
Shaving Cream - $3
Sunsilk extra soft hair conditioner - $5
Dial sexy almond body wash - $5
Pair of jeans that hug my ass (since he wants to throw it in there so bad) $40
New coverup - $7
New pouty lip gloss $7
Tweezers to get all those stray hairs - $2
Plus some random items - $15.00

Just shy of $100 bucks. Let's hope I can see him!

Holy Embarrassment.

We took the championship. We drank in celebration. I wanted victory sex. The kid just went to bed. We watched TV. I told him I wanted to cum, so I got on top and rode him hard and deep.

And then, a queef. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. The most embarrassing thing ever from being too wet and going to fast - the building up of air and the release. It was incredibly embarrassing, but he acted like it didn't happen. I think I'm getting red right now just thinking about it.

Good thing I'm disappearing for the weekend.

Observation - Doctor's Office.

I went to the lady doctor today (sounds like my Grandma but eh) to get the annual check up and to do an STD scan in lieu of the conversation with the BF's wife and made this observation.

In this certain "situation" - have you noticed the room is always like 35 degrees? And, they ask you to get all nekkid and say they'll be back shortly, only to give you like 20 minutes. I'm not an old lady, hell the BF says were going to have sex and it takes me maybe 10 seconds to be fully undressed?

Corporate Pissing Contest

Gentleman, please. Put away your dicks and stop trying to piss on each other. Well, actually it's just the damn "internal art director."

Because of his "new" position he keeps redesigning pieces that other designers are on. I finally had enough and talked to the old boss lady. The problem is that he's (a) an instructor, so when he's working on internal pieces he can't teach and (b) his f*cking ego is so big that it's impossible to work with him! I tactfully asked her to let him know that his input is great, but that his opinions must be typed and given to the designer.

Fun isn't it? Growing from small business to corporate world?

Mistakes.

We all make mistakes. It's unavoidable. Sometimes the mistakes are little, "I shouldn't have done that," sometimes they are life altering, sometimes it takes 8 months for you to fully realize what you did.

The posting last week where I talked about the supposed "art director" at my job has recently escalated his already gigantic "I'm so damn important" head. This morning he reamed me a new one, again. He's hung up on me 3 times today alone. All I keep getting told is to remain professional.

The mistake I made in regards to him, is I'm actually the one who pushed to have him hired. We were looking for a replacement instructor and I saw one of our money makers going by the wayside. After attempting to hire three other people, I suggested him to the dismay of our talent director. Now I realize that those gut instincts are correct. I'm so entirely sick of him telling me how to do my job. I want to scream, "you wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for me! Show some respect!" But instead I have to remain professional and just suck it up with "I'm sorrys" and "I know" even though I'm not and I don't know.

Tis the life factor I guess when you're dealing with a 26 year old a-hole.

Relaxing.

Tonight it's all about the relaxing for me. I got home at a decent time, spent a few minutes living in the luxury of the internet, watched cable TV, chatted with the guy, printed off those pics finally from the zoo and ended with a post here.

Sans alcohol.

Detox is nice. But tomorrow's the booze cruise. BF offered his pad for me to sleep at, but being that I've gotta go to the chick doctor Wednesday and drop off my kid brother (who lives a block from my dad) in the AM, it looks like I'll just have to take it easy on the boat. Or hit it hard, then hit it easy. Either way, sweet gesture by Mr. Wonderful but it'll have to be a pass.

I've also decided that I think mosquitoes like rich people more than regular peeps. After the charity event on Saturday, the after bar left my poor feet bitten to hell. Today, I got one on my shoulder in Franklin. I haven't gotten bitten all summer at home in the 'View.

In the last bit of news I've been shopping around for an apartment. I did check out the condo scene, but decided against the potential of buying. The market is too over saturated and I haven't bumped across any that were in my price range and made me ooh and aah. Plus I still never know where I might be in a few years and I'd hate to have to sell instead of just give notice.

I've checked out a couple little one and two bedrooms, I'll take my time this go-round, and I'm having more standards. Must have air. Heat included? Extra bonus, especially knowing I could go up about $50-75 a month for rent. I do want to stay in a duplex, but I'd prefer to be on the first floor.

If anyone knows, let me know!

On the Detox.

Thursday night I was so pissed about my ceiling that I drank.

Friday night was #1's birthday, so I drank.

Saturday was a charity event, so I drank.

Sunday we bowled and the BF called me one of my hated nicknames, so I really drank.

Today, no drinking.

The Sky is Falling.

Or more like my kitchen ceiling. The good news? I'm looking for a new place?

The bad news? I have to move back to Franklin for awhile until I find a new place.

I want sex.

Now. And a massage. Maybe a massage that leads to sex. Then a nap. Then repeat.

But instead I'll be on my second day of working 13 hour days. Lovely. I'm hoping the BF calls after the kid leaves. I'm going to tell him we need to talk, bring him upstairs, undress and ride him like a stallion.

Because Titles DO Matter

I love the antidote that titles don't matter - but they really do. We had an internal debate at work saying that you could have whatever title you wanted, because it was "just a title." My argument is that it's not just a title.

For instance, now that I'm a "girlfriend" I'm not pursuing random make out sessions on top of the Golden Tee Machine or even teetering on the verge of thinking about making out with someone.

And today that became increasingly true in the job title category. There's a big difference between an Art Director that has worked at his title and one that is just handed out. Recently, a low-level Graphic Designer with no agency experience was cast into the "internal Art Director" position. Instantly I think his head expanded so it couldn't even fit through the door.

All of the sudden he was the king. He ignored processes, wanted to know why he wasn't conferred on a project and then had the nerve to tell me how to do my job.

Said "Art Director" has taken more than his fair share of time off of work. We get comp time so it's no biggie, but in between August and September I've rearranged his teaching schedule more times than I've actually been able to schedule his sessions, so of course it's a tad bit difficult to get people into his courses.

Lately he's informed me that he needs more people in his classes, needs classes more often and then today - told me that I had not appropriately informed him of Boot Camp. I should have emailed, brought it up in the staff meeting and asked permission. Tu-shay, probably is true but it's been scheduled for 4 months but hell, let me just cover your a** one more time and you can lecture me about the appropriate things I should do.

Yeah, Great.

See, I didn't mind being lectured to by a seasoned Art Director because they have reasons to say the things they should. They've been put through the crap machine and earned those stripes. I don't just listen, I respect.

What I don't respect is a low-brow designer who had the nerve to tell me I was just a "coordinator" or informs me what he will and will not do when training is how I make my money.

Oh, and guess what? He helps himself to my beers at the softball games - boy isn't touching a single one of my beers next week. F'Off, buy your own - I've been supplying you for what now? 7 weeks? You make more than me to begin with and I'm just a "coordinator" in your eyes while you're a mutha'fuc*n' Art Director.

It's raining, it's pouring.

In lieu of softball, due to the rain, I'm sitting at work until about 8:30 for a meeting. Good thing that there's no sex right now, because I'd be day dreaming of other things to do with my free time.

I started looking for apartments yesterday, this morning my thoughts on moving were clarified. As it turns out, they were well aware of the leaks prior to me moving in and knew they did patchy (no-pun intended) work job on it with plans of fixing it last November. Okay, I've been paying my $650 with smiles and YOU KNEW??? I came home to more chunks of my ceiling on the kitchen floor when I ran home to change... I guess moving is a pain but not having anyone come over because it's a mess is more.

On the BF front, completely nervous about Friday when #1 and Biz (different Biz) meet him. First of all, he's not supposed to be my "boyfriend" technically until I get their approval, although I am a big girl and can make these decisions on my own and second of all, AD will be there who already doesn't like him (though he fully admits that now it has nothing to do with me, it's his personal opinion). Not like a little pressure... I'm finding myself completely falling for this guy and in all honesty, even if they don't give the pass - it's not going to stop me from seeing him.

All though the back door may stop him from seeing me. The guy is trying nice and hard to get into, umm, every area. I haven't done that in about 5 years - strict policy is at least 6 months and it's been a little over 2? I mean, he tries but I don't think it'll be the pitfall. Otherwise it's not worth it anyway.

I'm over it!

I swear I haven't seen the sun in a week. This is ridiculous, it's wet and horrible. I haven't jogged in a long time. I haven't had my windows open. I've been sleeping in a sweatshirt. It's so cold the Bumpkin has been sleeping with me - which he never does. And I'm REALLY over my kitchen floor being seeped with rain and trying to dishes with orange drips falling from my ceiling.

Enough is enough. I left the landlords a note again and not to my surprise, I don't think they even came upstairs to look. There's an easy 6x6 chunk of my ceiling ready to crumble at any minute.

And I still don't want to move. But now I'm actually looking.

And one more thing.

We'll be doing a bit of a switch in abbreviations. Due to circumstances as of late, TW is now BF.

As in boyfriend.

How scary is that?

But still so great!

I used the "B" word

It wasn't the alcohol that made my tongue slip, it was that crazy bubbly feeling and the way he makes me laugh. It was the fact that the night before I told him I was cranky so he wanted to get pizza in my system to help. It was the morning before where I was still asleep in his bed and he had to work, so he told me to sleep in and kissed my neck. It's the fact that I've been ridiculously happy and so has he. So when we did the introductions for the tailgate I said, "This is my boyfriend." And I saw this little smirk as he reached out and shook hands with each guy.

It's insane. I'm insane. The whole fact that I'm even here is crazy. I don't fall in love. I don't date only one guy at a time and I definitely don't have boyfriends. But I've only been with him for two months, I haven't even thought of anyone else, and he really is my boyfriend. So odd for the person writing dear Johns only a few months ago, the person that was driving to Madison for a piece of ass from an aging rock star.

It's hard to explain to people that were so involved with me just a handful of months ago. I still get arguments - he's the guy that disappeared for 6 weeks, he's the one that preferred hanging out with R & K then me at Summerfest. He's the guy that responded to me saying I didn't want just a FB with "okay." He's the confusing wreck that made my head spin. He's got an ex, he's got a kid, he's not overly romantic. He doesn't talk. Some people think he's boring.

Yes. He was all those things and I'm glad I have people that care enough to remember. Can people change? No. But can you break down walls? Yes. I mean, I wasn't all that innocent in not resisting the changes going on. I was just as quiet, I was just as stand off ish. It's new, it's infatuation. It's gross-pukey beginning stages of being with someone.

It's the way his baby blues look at me, the smile out of the corner of his mouth. It's the surprise dinner he wanted to cook for me. It's the fact that there's Lite in the fridge because it's what I drink. It's the phone call every night, it's the want to spend time with me. It's the fact that I'm never "on" - it's just me and that seems okay with him. It's the fact that every night isn't a party, sometimes it's the Brewer's game on TV and we say nothing. It's the fact that during the game yesterday his arm was around my chair. I can yell, I can scream and in the end, I'm smiling because I'm with him.

And the sex is now good. In fact this weekend, it was great. Mind blowing, hair messed up great. Passing out right afterwards phenomenal.

And it's the fact that I'm actually going to let this happen.

I'm going to have a real boyfriend and be in a real relationship.

Goodbye four years of being single. Goodbye resistance to broken hearts. Goodbye funny stories about pathetic attempts to hook up. Goodbye booty calls. Goodbye ex-lovers. Goodbye.

What the?

I'm really sick of being taken advantage of. It's just not the buying of drinks and dinner for friends that are seemingly on an endless wheel of being broke, it's the help me phone calls that never seem to be returned.

I had to take a step back today and seriously think to myself, "would they do that for me?" And it was sad to realize that I don't think 1/2 of my friends would cover my butt in the end.

I'm still waiting for payment for watching the dogs for the past 10 days. I even clearly explained that I needed the money for the upcoming tailgate and I needed it by today. Instead I get unanswered phone calls, text messages and emails. Normally this wouldn't bug me as much as it is - but that money needs to go towards this weekend and my Lia Sophia party. It also needs to cover my unexpected $100 some bar tab from Monday night. If I could reach her, I'd grab her and shake her and say "pay me woman! I wasted 2 days driving your butt to Chicago for heaven's sake."

It gets more interesting. Since my phone, email and text weren't returned I thought I might myspace a message over - only to find a weird comment "did you clean your kitchen yet?" This peaked my attention because when she left it was a disaster. I truly do not believe that my $35/day dog sitting for 2 pups covers being her maid. She did make the in direct comment that she was sorry for the dishes, but in no sense did I think that I should clean it up. It's not my job. I'm not your maid. It's a bit of a mixed signal since one of my friends did mention I cleaned her house when I dog sat (she paid up front and I'm more inclined to do wonderful things when I have money), but I don't see what it was an assumption. So I clicked over to her original comment that prompted that and sure enough she was discussing how her house was a wreck after 11 days. I wanted to comment back - "Hey! I only spent the night once because I got a parking ticket!" But I'd rather give her another opportunity to pay me before I burn that bridge.

On a sad note, #1 can't go to the tailgate on Sunday and it was specifically for his birthday. On the upside, I don't have to come up with the money for another ticket for one of the people that wanted to go :)

Bent over, pulled their hair and they called us "Daddy"

We're in the playoffs for my little advertising team and last night's adventure led to us head to head against my pretend arch nemesis - my old agency. While really there was no poor feelings against the whole team, I really could care less for 2 of them. While advertising is a cut throat industry, I don't believe you get ahead by backstabbing, which two of the female members did with bells on. It's what AD calls "Minnesota Nice" - smiles to your face, sh*t behind your back.

Fair warning that this paragraph may make you puke. On the way to the game, TW called to invite me over for a home cooked dinner, forgetting about softball. It was simply one of the sweetest gestures I've ever had. He wished me well and I headed out to kick some royal butt.

In the third inning it was sticky and hot and I was less than pleased since we were tied at 3 runs each. By the fifth we socked it to them, they let us get away with four more runs. By the ninth we were up 11 to 3 and it stayed that way. I did a little victory dance inside when coach reminded us to come to Kern next week prepared to take on the champion team of the last three years - and we should do it sober. Yup, directed completely towards me. See in this game, I drank before hand from my swollen calf but then had to play. We lost due to being short on team members and the fact that E, J & I were loaded.

In short terms, we bent them over, pulled their hair and made them call us Daddy - much to my delight.

We headed over to our local establishment for $2.00 martinis and after tipping a few back I called TW to let him know that I wanted victory sex. He needed to put the kid to bed and was hesitant, so I took a shower to relax and he called after to invite me over. I headed over a little tipsy (thank god he lives so close). I figured NG had gone to pick up his girlfriend so I walked in and popped myself on his lap, "Settle down hornball - NG's in the shower."

Oops. An hour later the drinking had really kicked in and nothing was going on between the two of us except watching Snatch, so I plopped my head on his lap and went to sleep - only to snore. How embarrassing! NG and his girl got in a fight, she headed out and he headed to his bedroom. It was almost 2am. We started messing around and ended up having sex right there on the couch - sweet, slow sex. It was pretty darn good.

By this time, I've now consigned myself to the near thought that I will, once again, be getting a relative 3-4 hours of sleep but my muscles were lose. After a smoke on the porch I headed home.

A girl could get used to all this loving lately - I'm pretty sure we've had sex more times this week than the entire 2 months we've been doing it. And it's getting good. And I'm wanting more...

Sober sex.

Sunday night was pretty interesting. After a day of running around, TW called about 8:30 or so. After Saturday's drinking incident, I was apt to get some so I put on a flirty skirt and a tank top - that was it. He was settled in watching TV and during a commercial break, I hopped over to his side of the couch right on top of his lap. A little making out emerged, he was rubbing up on my thigh when he stopped, "Are you even wearing underwear?"

"Nope."

Just a few moments after that, he got up and went in the kitchen, peeked his head around the corner, "Are you coming?"

I bolted upstairs like a school girl. The clothes came off, but the skirt stayed on and about 20 minutes later we both laid there in post-coital relief.

"Is that the first time we've had sex sober?" He asked.

"Crap. I think so." I responded.

"No, it can't be ..."

"How long have we been doing this, 2 months? Yeah, that can't be the first time?" I questioned, secretly tallying it up in my head that while we've been knocking boots for almost 2 months, it's only really been slightly over 1/2 a dozen times. We giggled a bit about what had just happened - but either way the result was pretty definite that it was good (not great-we're still getting there) sex that way. He came no problem as did I. I was also pumped to show off that I'd been practicing keeping it down so that we could get it on more often when there were other people in the house.

"Did you see how quiet I was? I've been practicing." I joked while running my fingertips along his collar bone.

He then explained that he did notice, but that I don't have to be quiet. We laid there for a few minutes in each other's arms until his craving for taco bell came back. We darted off for some 10pm food, went back to his place and I forced him to just lay with his arm around me. I was exhausted but needed to get the dogs out one more time. I got home around 12:30, curled up into bed by myself and slept straight through the night.

Due to being out on the town Monday, our normal routine of sex was interrupted. He had an early meeting and I didn't have a car so he promised to drunk dial after poker last night. Just in case it would be at my house, I started cleaning when I got home around 10pm. At 12:30 I could barely keep my eyes open (and they shut for a second since I did end up missing his first call) but by 12:45 a cranky TW told me to come over. Exhausted from a long day and not so much sleep the night before, we got naked and did our business in a rough 20 minutes. This time it was on the verge of being great. While I was on top he hit the g-spot and it knocked me out, then he climbed on top and at almost the same point we came together. The difference this time was that I couldn't get up and leave, I was spent. We didn't talk like we normally do, I just laid on his shoulder and we both drifted off to sleep. Some how I managed to get under the covers. There were a few moments in the middle of the night that I would suddenly be aware that I was not at my house, only to find that I was in a much better place, all curled up in his arms. There was actually a point where I turned my back on him, only to have him scoot up spooning style. I could feel his warm breath on my neck as I drifted back to sleep.

Luckily there wasn't much going on today, so I knew I could get away with coming in late if I overslept, but just in routine I woke up at 6am and got dressed to head home.

Hopefully I didn't use up my two sex cards this week and tomorrow will still result in a little action ...

What not to do when you're in a relationship.

First things first, let me explain a bit of a dynamic. TW basically has no family, so when I'm referring to things it's usually his ex-wife's family. It's this odd dynamic, in one sense it's mandatory for him to maintain a good relationship for the sake of their son, in another, it's all the family he's known for the last 11 or so years - so they're close. I mean, when he moved out at 16, he moved in with them. At 23 his casual friendship with his ex turned into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing and they had a child. It's interesting.

From the outside perspective, you'd think that they just simply grew apart. They still joke and laugh, they still talk. So when my drunk-butt offered to help his ex clean up the next day after the party, I didn't think anything of it. When 11 rolled around and I was sober, I doubted I had made the right offer, but still called because I said I would.

I ended up heading over to her house, leaving behind a sleeping TW to do the right thing. At first it was just cleaning and that erupted into conversations, which ultimately led to his ex talking about what happened between them because she sincerely didn't want me to get hurt.

As it turns out there was a lot of cheating going on between the two of them for their entire relationship. First him, then her. This was the ultimate fall because her last affair was outed. She felt that he belittled her, didn't stand up for her, he beat her down into believing she was nothing. It was heart-wrenching. My stomach turned a couple times as she discussed finding out he was with her best friend, about a girl from Michigan when he went away from work, about too many things that already made my weariness of men be backed up.

And then there was the discussion of the ho-bag I referred to earlier. As it turns out, the family hated her - but they all met her. She was introduced as his girlfriend. She explained that her brother (who I met during the first go round) was telling the family that TW finally met a great girl - me. And on their son's birthday she was excited to meet me, but instead he brings this hooker. Her brother was irate, the girl was also crazy. I paused, "that's interesting."

"How so?"

"TW and I were supposed to go out after the kid's party. He told me there was too many kids around and that he couldn't." I looked down, putting out my cigarette. "He never called me after that - it took 6 weeks."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

I took a deep breath, and then his ex did the unlikely re-assuring thing. She told me that she's hoping he's different - and she can tell when he's around me that he is. She said that she's really proud of his behavior, that he stands up for me and he protects me - something he could never do for her in the 10 years they were together. And that he seems genuinely happy and that makes her happy. They had what they had, they went through their hate stage, and that's in the past.

Then I went to leave and she hugged me and said that she really hopes this works.

I pulled away, 1/2 wondering if I should run and the other 1/2 began thinking about my ex-fiance. My story is pretty much the same, so could it all be age and teenage stupidity? Or was this an omen?

I pulled into the gas station to get some juice and coffee for the poor hung over kids and arrived a few minutes later. I walked upstairs, he was in the shower. I put down the coffee.

"It's awful I'm sure." I said, smiling and handing over the cup. "But it's still a sweet gesture."

"You are sweet," he smiled back. Taking a sip, I thought he was going to spit it across the room. He dumped it down the drain. I laid down in his bed while he got ready, closing my eyes and realizing that it didn't matter what happened in the past, I was happy right now.


But she also said endearing things.

End of an era.

Well it's official. I'm "in a relationship" in the sense that I'm someone's girlfriend. Scary? Yes. Exciting? Yes.

Di came into town last night for a jewelry show (aka an expensed trip to hang out with me) and met TW, to which she gave a thumbs up which is what I needed to officially move over. But let's recap the details of happenings.

Last week was the zoo, Wednesday was the fair. I was aching for some quality time with TW, but I realized being a dad comes first. Thursday was the usual fair, a couple drinks, a little cuddling, and a romp in the sack.

Friday I prepped for our family reunion and stayed low-key. Saturday we met up at 1:00 to head to my mom's and enjoyed a couple cocktails in the sticky heat. As new family members that TW hadn't met approached I just introduced him as simply "TW" - still not knowing how to define what was going on. After a couple rounds of Bagg-o my Aunt said she wanted to partner with my "boyfriend" - I chose the route of not arguing the title and he continued to kick our a** at it.

At the end of the night it was off to his family's birthday party. Right before I left home I had gotten in a bit of a blow-out with my mom so I was ready to drink. Sipping a cocktail I overhear TW talking to someone that I don't know ...

TW: "My girlfriend? She's over there. Hang on. MG?"
MG: (Big sip of drink) "Yeah?"
TW: "Come here and meet someone." (walk over) "This is my girlfriend, MG."

Gulp.

In one sense I smiled, oh my goodness - I'm someone's girlfriend? In another sense I was petrified. We didn't discuss this! I haven't come to terms with letting go of all my doubts, breaking down my boundaries, having someone around, being able to expect to go to big outings with my, gulp again, boyfriend. It's been four years since this has happened, and he hasn't met Di or Biz or #1. I can't have a boyfriend until they say it's okay. And then back to the fuzzy feeling, I guess he really does like me.

After that we actually went to a dance club and topped off the evening with consuming too many alcoholic beverages. It suddenly was apparent that I wasn't going to be getting any tonight from my boyfriend. In fact, he ended up puking all the way home. I got him up to his room, undressed him and he darted off to the bathroom. I thought he was going to drown himself in the toilet. The night ended with me running downstairs and yelling for NG to find me a bucket ... NOW. All we could find was a pitcher - but it would do.

When he finally laid down and his stomach calmed a bit he asked me to stay. That's when I realized that I could really start to like this guy and he might be worth my fear of letting someone in. I laid down, fully dressed and rubbed his back and as he started snoring, I relaxed.

Sunday morning I went by his ex (this post will follow) to help clean up after the party. When the tent was broken down and the food thrown out we sat down for a chat. I wasn't sure I should be in this place, but here I was listening to her perspective on what happened.

When I was done, I got in my car and asked myself what exactly I was doing. That wasn't the right step at all. I stopped at the gas station and got some coffee and juice for the poor hung over kids and headed back to TW's.

How to deal with sexual frustration - a girl's solution.

The following is my mode of trying to solve sexual frustration. All the following are done in a last stitch attempt to feel sexy, but may not end in the release of frustration.

Step One: Get your hair done.
This is two-fold for me. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my old boss and I want to impress him. My hair hasn't been cut in 3 months, so it's about due time anyway. Bad news? My emergency cut is (a) going to be more expensive because (b) my regular hair dresser isn't returning my calls, so I have to try something new. Good thing I made contact with the owner of a salon in the third ward, hopefully his chick won't lead me astray.

Step Two: With your new hair cut, buy a cute semi-revealing dress.
I needed to get a dress anyhow for this weekend, but I want something that will make TW's mouth drop and make him want to just rip the skirt up and screw me right there. Wouldn't it be funny to wear that and then go to the family reunion?

Step Three: You've secured your dress, now get that "something sexy" for underneath.
Almost as important as the sexy dress is the sex underwear because you're praying that at some point someone will see them. So after I get the dress, I'm heading over to Fredrick's for the perfect ensemble.

Step Four: Now get the sexy shoes.
When sexually frustrated, it's incredibly important that the shoes match the underwear in the attempt that when said person that will help you with your frustration may see them and think of them over his shoulders.

Step Five: Go home, take a bubble bath and drink wine.
Just enough wine to get you a little buzzed and warm and cozy.

Step Six: Slip into something sexy to sleep in.
Just in case there's a midnight visitor.

Step Seven: Wake up in the morning and think "damn."
Probably the disappointed version because you did not get the midnight visitor.

Going back to yesterday...

Anyway - Saturday I just hung out with E & J for awhile and hit the sack semi-early after walking the dogs.

Sunday morning was the zoo with the kid & NG & his girl. It was a blast, but a long time in muggy weather. When we arrived back to TW's place, everyone was exhausted but me & the kid, so I packed him up and he helped me walk the dogs. When we got back TW was sleeping and I left to take a shower. He called around 9:00 and asked me to come over and watch a movie. I was highly anticipating the fact that I might con him into a little s-e-x, but not so much. All the sudden he wasn't feeling good.

Last night I called him at 8:00 to see if he went to work, which he didn't. He felt like crap and I offered to drop off cold pills. We chatted mundanely for a couple minutes and then I headed home. So much for our Monday sex-trot. Now I have to wait until Thursday.

Sigh.

It's weird to not only miss having sex, but to miss just being with him. Joking around, tickle wars, just relaxing in his arms.

Maybe next week.

Craving Alone Time.

Where to start? The emergency trips to Chicago on Friday and Saturday? The zoo yesterday? Or should I back up and clearly explain by what I mean about alone time?

It's been nearly two weeks since TW and I really had any alone time. Between NG moving in, him having the kid and our two work schedules, it just hasn't happened. And by alone time, I don't really mean sex, I mean time when it's just us. But on the topic of sex, that barely happens too.

NG's girlfriend works Monday through Friday until 11:00 and NG usually picks her up - this gives me and TW a range of time from 10:30 - 11:30 for alone time. Now, pack that in with the fact that he plays poker one night and has the kid two nights during the five days, that pretty much leaves a slated one-hour for alone time and being slightly sex craved, that one hour is dedicated to sex and not so much anything else.

Top that off with the fact that it's been so muggy and hot here the past few weeks that my house is virtually out of the question for anything since it's a sauna and we're stuck in a never ending circle of trying to secure time.

It's not that I mind being around NG and his girlfriend - they're great. But it's hard enough to nail TW to throw into the mix the fear of "being caught" (his not mine). I'm pulling out my hair looking for relief.

Let's start with Thursday. 10:30 came around and NG and his friend left. TW started goofing around which led to the bedroom - and great sex (I know, I know - finally!) - just in time to drink a glass of water and have a cigarette before they got back. I was on such a nice high from Thursday night that when he called on Friday and mentioned the Brewer game, I was more than happy to head on over in anticipation of another fun hour of alone time.

Instead, I ended up heading down to Chicago. Turns out the woman's dogs I'm sitting for had her car breakdown and she needed a ride, so I printed out directions and drove as quickly as I could so I could try and hit my one-hour break. Turns out that I wasn't that lucky - although it led to that butterfly disgustingly cute thing where TW called at 11:00 to make sure I was okay...

There went Friday night. Saturday wasn't much better. The phone rang at 8:00 so I could drive her BACK down. On the way back up it was quite a cluster-f*ck of traffic so it took me until 1:00 to get back to Milwaukee.

The kid was coming over on Saturday night, so I headed over to E's for some dinner and veggie - perpetually irritated that my adventures this weekend in the name of friendship not only cost me $60 but also a second night of good sex.

I'll have to finish more later - I'm off to a golf outing!

Easily Replaceable?

I was thinking that today's mind set has the notion that everything is easily replaceable. Our TV's breakdown so we get a new one, our cars reach the end of the rope - get a new one, we get sick of our jobs - we get a new one, we're in a relationship and instead of working through kinks - we get a new one. Everything these days seems like it's replaceable.

Last night NG came to my softball game yesterday (TW had the kid) and we went out afterwards to see E's J perform in Downtown Idol. Both of us consumed a bit to drink which always leaves for dapper conversation. He plucked me for feelings on TW and outlined his misconceptions with his current girlfriend.

They are in love, but he has trust issues. He told me he sometimes wishes he was single again - because it's just easier. So while he has feelings, he knows she still is replaceable.

Which led to the mysterious 6 week disappearance of TW back in May. I told him that I still wonder what the hell happened that he could turn a 180 like that and I still fear that any day, I could just be replaced - again.

NG tried to assure me that it wouldn't happen, tip-toeing around the information of what exactly happened until I assured him that I already knew - he spilled the beans when we went out after TW went MIA. He laughed and just said that TW was confused, but he's getting on the right track.

He made a good point - TW is putting in the effort for long term because I've met his family - which ho-bag did not. And he's meeting mine. The last thing a guy that got cheated on wants to do is end a relationship after the girl meets his family because he's cheating.

But it still makes you think - what will be replaced next?

Fair Warning - this is about "Me" Time.

This morning I woke up in a half daze since I think I overslept last night. Funny how when you wake up at 4am, bright eyed and bushy tailed you tell yourself that the next hour will just make you even more bright eyed, and instead you end up in a daze...

I won't bore you with the details of the fabulous news the scale gave me (see Fab at 26), but the running is finally paying off! Thank god! I'm down 25 lbs from 3 months ago. The pathetic thing is that I hold weight well, so it looks more like 5 lbs instead of 25 - but I'll take it.

I was at a conference for the majority of the day yesterday and headed straight home for laundry, etc. The nice advantage point to TW's schedule is usually Tuesdays and Wednesdays we don't talk or see each other, so I knew I had the evening to myself. I started cleaning up my closet and found a joke gift someone gave me a month ago, a balm called "Orgasm booster" and I thought - what the hell, might be a joke but let's see it works.

Let's just say I highly recommend it. But beware - not latex compatible.

Being that the issue of sex seems to lie in my hands these days, I also used this time as an experiment. Seems as if I get off, dry up and then leave TW hanging (I am a lady - I do make sure he cums, just seems to not be during sex) so I worked on holding back just a bit (the opposite of RS's lessons) to see how long I could go and if the booster helped. It did. I had a good 45-50 minutes of me time. I really, really can't wait to bust that move on him. Although, how exactly do you throw that into the conversation, "wait a sec, let's use this lovely container of balm and see what happens?" I can't even get him to admit what he likes and doesn't like.

After the events of last night and this morning, I'm so anxious to get him naked soon....

Tuesday Night Nap.

I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight. Not that I don't like hanging out with TW - but I have no clue how he operates on such little sleep. For the last 6 weeks when I see him it's about 4-5 hours of sleep, compiled with the dogs this weekend, I'm spent!

The luau was okay, I was a bit put off since he really just kind of let me sit there. But after contemplating everything, I realized I did the same thing to him on the 4th. So apparently, I got a taste of my own medicine.

Things are still going pretty good. I'm going to try to con him into doing something just the two of us one of these nights, but there's a lot going on. NG is moving in with him temporarily and that guy NEVER sleeps. It's hard to get that adult one-on-one time in that situation. Last night I dropped off some containers, watched a movie with both of them and when NG left to pack his things, we hit the sheets. It's still not good, I have a feeling it's more my meds than anything else. Guess I should make an appointment for the lovely old doctor... yeah, fun. Sigh.

I'm in this tangibly weird place right now, on the cusp of letting myself go into this relationship. It's insatiably weird to think that something could be developing between the two of us. There's so many events planned between the two of us - this weekend, his company picnic, next weekend my family get together, the following weekend the tailgate. Our lives are actually getting intertwined - so incredibly different from RS where our paths only crossed on his king size bed.

Could Have Been Mine.

Courtesy of PostSecret.

It's the weekend - and I'm blogging.

Thanks to dogsitting, I've got the internet this weekend! My girls are doing fantastic, minus one accident inside the house. They're little bichon frises, one of them is actually diabetic and requires insulin shots which freaked the hell out of me the first couple days. I sit there flicking the needle paranoid about air bubbles because she's her mom's baby and one little bubble that I didn't see would be the end of it.

But so far so good!

On Friday I left work early, came to Tosa and ended up crashing for awhile. This cold is still running me down. Getting a second wind, I walked the girls and desperately looked for something to eat. Finding nothing, I decided to call AD to see what he was up to. When he didn't call back I headed to the mall to get something special with that dogsitting cash.

In the middle of shopping, AD called back and we agreed to meet at Classic Slice - or what I would like to call "Pizza as big as your head" - actually, if I recall correctly they say that as well. Afterwards, knowing I had 6 more hours till the dogs needed to go out, I headed over to TW's to watch the end of the game. NG was there as well so my want for some action had to subside momentarily. When we were all on the porch smoking, TW made a comment about his company picnic next week and how he could bring someone, I smartly shot back "Oh - are you going to bring NG?"

He just smiled while NG replied, "Why would he bring me when he has a girlfriend?" Gulp. TW replied, "Of course I want to bring you." At the end of the night I headed back to Tosa and he asked me to stop at his local pub tomorrow to say hi. I figured, what could it hurt?

In the morning I woke up for my normal lunch with #1 and our other friend. While getting lectured on whether or not TW is good for me or not, AD called to tell me the stray that we saw yesterday got into his house. Oops. He then joined us for lunch and a round of Bagg-o, and we decided to see Simpson's.

We thought the movie was at 3:00, but it turns out that was the fancy place where you have to order food. Being that we just ate, we opted to play mini-golf until the second showing. After that we headed home.

I won't give anything really up about Simpson's except that Spider Pig was by far the funniest moment of the entire thing - now Spider Pig makes me roll on the floor every time, so that's still saying a lot.

At 8:00 I headed home to feed the bumpkin, shower and head over by TW's. We arrived at nearly the same time, had some pizza and a friend from work came by as well as NG. Right when I was beginning to leave, my landlord called announcing that she was finally on her way, so I ordered one cocktail more and chatted with the guy next to me.

It was really at this point where I caught myself between a rock and a hard place. I was just talking with the guy, but TW was in the back playing poker, so when he brought up if I was with someone, I wasn't sure the answer. Sure, lately I've been called his girlfriend on more than one occasion - but never by him - and this is his poker buddy, so if TW wanted him to know he'd say something right? So I side stepped the conversation. TW did the rest of the work when he came over and kissed me in front of him. The guy promptly got up and sat by someone else, I overhead, "Yeah - but she's TW's girlfriend."

Yikes. It's such a weird place, that title area. But, for the first time, I honestly really wouldn't mind being his girlfriend and I've jeered away from that title for quite some time. So who knows?

All I know is this past week my old TW is back, the one that makes me happy and doesn't make me wonder.

Today we're headed to the family luau - an odd place to be because this will be one of the first times I'm with out one of my friends during the interactions (gulp). Wish me luck!

Sick.

Yuck, I've just spent two days feeling like crap. Sore throat, headache. I actually called into work yesterday. And came to the conclusion that I definitely need to get internet at home so I can be at home and still work.

So I took a chunk of advice - instead of flocking to TW every time he called I decided to play the patience card. This meant I didn't call him Wednesday (he has the kid and I don't like to trump dad/son time) and I didn't call him yesterday, even though I knew neither of us were working. He called promptly at 5:55 like he does every Thursday to chat before my big sister initiative, and I just let it ring. I was somewhat feeling like I didn't even want to call him back, but then I listened to his voicemail and bit my nails for an hour to make him wait.

And it seemed to work, I was on my way to meet a friend for a cocktail and I called him back knowing that (a) our time on the phone would be short lived and (b) that he knew I had other plans. It was a pleasant conversation in which I waivered on whether my car should or should not be parked outside of his house. "MG, park in the drive. I ask you every time." Yes, you do. Okay fine.

On my way over another friend called about her encounter with the Mack Truck - a not so pleasant one and her current job issues. I had pulled into TW's drive but she wasn't ready to get off the phone. He peeked his head out and came out with a Lite in hand.

The kid got picked up at 9:00 amongst hugs of goodbyes (mine included) the family was all smiles. As was TW.

We had a rather chill night, on the couch watching TV with NG. When NG needed to leave, I was exhausted and just drove him home. "You're going Sunday right?" NG said. "If TW wants me too - yes."

NG then gave me an earful to stop doubting TW's affection, yes - he invited me, I've met the family, he wants me there. I then told NG how shocked I was that the family knew about my existence, "See, you even doubt that he talks about you non stop." I can't lie that it didn't make me smile.

That's when I realized I was feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time - happy.

This is not a good Tuesday.

It starts with last night. Went home, did dishes and went to do laundry when, once again, my machine is full of my landlords things. I wouldn't mind if I wasn't paying for the heated water and the gas, but come on! What have you done for me lately? Oh yeah - you vacuumed the stairs and finally took your 20 paint cans away - but still...

It's about 8:30 when I succumb to the fact that TW is not going to call. At 8:45 I lose all hope, put on my running clothes and hit the block. 9:00 the phone rings and it's him, he worked late and was ready to go out - after the shower.

It ends up being that we're going to NG's house. I'm almost sick of other people, but okay. I grab the 8 beers left in my fridge. He calls back, I should meet him at his place, which I found a bit weird but again - okay.

I get over, get in his truck head to NG's and we play cards till 1am. We, of course, end up at his house getting butt naked for a little adult time.

And once again, it just didn't seem to work. I was frustrated and left at 1:30am, completely confused. I'm supposed to be this sex kitten - no one's ever complained about it with me, and I've always thought highly of my bedroom skills. But sex with me can't get him off. I'm a bit perturbed and I get dressed as he tells me "he's so tired" and head out.

I start pulling away and my car feels weird, but I think nothing of it. This morning it was even worse. A biker finally pulled up next to me - I have a flat. Actually, I have three.

After crying, frustrated from last night and tired from only 3 hours of sleep, I called my dad and he helped me get the car to the service center. Turns out that the front two were just incredibly low - while the third tire was punctured.

Of course, I'm out of my mind with anger but I hide it behind a smile and a thank you hug while texting about 30 people, including TW my sad story. "My tire got punctured last night, this is not turning out to be a good morning!"

After 5 hours, a response from TW - "thank sucks, have a better day."

I was more for AD's answer of "Let's hunt down the bastard and beat him up." I mean - at least that put a smile on my face...

I swear I'm not this Dumb for Real

ME: "Hey, Wisconsin is rated #44 in the States to Business in."

JS: "Really? That's horrible."

ME: "No - 44 is good."

JS: "MG - How many states are there?"

ME: "Oh ..."

JS: "Not good."

ME: "Nope - but Middleton is the place to live!"

Continuation of previous post. Tsk. Tsk.

It ended up being just 3 of us by the time the sun started going down and I was done playing phone tag with TW. In the end, he ended up coming to see me and we finally met up.

I saw him and I smiled. I don't know why. I missed him for some unknown reason. He hugged me - we didn't kiss for the first moment. We talked about camping and then it was a peck on the lips. We walked around Festa for a bit and when it started getting dark he wanted me to meet the family.

We headed over to the lakefront where 4 tables were over taken and they were all for him. Being that he actually has no family now that his brother died, it was actually his ex's family. They are still really close.

I was bombarded with "we've heard so much about you"s and dumbstruck. For someone who seemed to pull away over the last couple of weeks, how could he talk so much about me? It was hugs and kisses and, "TW, she's great" before joking around with his son and laughing with his ex.

We pulled away for a moment from the crowd, and his arm was around me the whole time. For the first time he looked happy - like I had just justified his decision, that he wasn't doubting our interaction. We sat there cuddled up and kissing for a few moments before wandering around a bit more before the fireworks came.

At 10:15 the sky lit up and he grabbed me. It was great. After the fireworks, we needed to leave as AD had a shoot in the morning. I said goodbye to his family and to him, he leaned over and pecked me on the lips in front of everyone. He then kissed his son goodbye only to have him shriek "Dad! You just gave me your girlfriend's germs." He smiled at me and whispered that he wanted me to come over. I told him I'd think about it.

AD shook his head and told me he wasn't going to lecture me anymore. We walked back to the car over meaningless chit chat of macaroni and long nights and first dates. Our trip ended with a peck on the cheek and I called TW to let him know I was just going to go home.

He called back almost immediately, coo-ing in the phone that he was so glad to see me. I told him I was tired and sweaty so I'd be staying home; however, if he wanted to see me tomorrow he should call. He sat quiet for a second, "Of course I'm going to call you."

This is the problem I have - right here. This is the TW I like ...

Barry Bonds doesn't play - but we still have fun!

Of course, things are going to run behind because this isn't your mom and pop tailgate - it's my tailgate. It's 40 people. It's my arrangements, my gig, my friends. So I'm gonna be a bit psycho.

Here's what I don't get - you don't have to bring ANY food - I'm talking it's my $225 tab for brats, burgers, boccas, for chocolate chip cupcakes and devils food cupcakes, for pasta salads and 6 different chips, for dips and salsa, for brownies and for potato salad. I get that you don't have the $15 for the drunk bus because it's "too expensive" - but you really couldn't bring more than a couple beers for yourself or let us borrow your radio? Seriously. Some people tick me off. Especially when they also didn't pay for tickets or refused to share their extra 300 club passes with other people (including myself) - worst part? They can get away with it because they're blood. Besides that incident, we had plenty of booze, plenty of soda, plenty of food, plenty of sun and we left as 38 happy people.

It all started at 8:00am when my "charge" - aka the most perfect man alive (except for the fact that I'm not into bestiality and he is a dog) - woke up and was raring for a walk. I texted his owner that we were good to go by 8:45, she was supposed to pick him up between 9am-9:30am so I could run to the store, vacuum the dog hair out and pick up one of the guys going to the game.

Of course, she was running behind and didn't show up until 10:15, so I was late to pick up my friend. Instead of being at the drunk bus at 10:40, we got there at 10:55 still having to unload all the food, the bean bag game and all the chairs. But it went off with out a hitch.

The girls sent around a collection cup to recoup some of the tailgate costs and we danced, played bagg-o, drank, talked and sang. Then it was time for the game, when I noticed that the 10 tickets I bought had all been passed out (lovely that only 1 had been paid for, isn't it?) and I had none. A handful of people decided to stay outside and drink the free cocktails, so I joined. The Brewers won.

We paced for about an hour until traffic went down then headed downtown to unpack the bus and head off to Festa. It was now 5:00.

Most of us sobered up (I was already) and wandered around, pretending to be Italian and belting lyrics that made no sense. We looked for the biggest Guido - a hairy chest with a gold chain nuzzled into it, a popped collar, white shoes, big rings, lots of gel in the hair. We found a couple dozen.

And then my phone rang and it was TW - his whole family was down there. I wanted to say no, but couldn't help saying yes. So to the lakefront I went ...

What did I get myself into?

It started off so innocent - hey, let's get together a handful of people and tailgate our hearts out for the Giants vs the Brewers - way back in May.

A mass email went out and 10 people said yes. I decided I'd buy the food - they were responsible for tickets and drinks. Simple plan yes?

And then there was that damn Barry Bonds. As the last couple of weeks approached our small get together has expanded to some 39 people and now includes a drunk bus. As new RSVPs started coming in during the last couple weeks I could only keep saying "damn" over and over. I was thinking popping out about $40 bucks was no big deal, but now I'm looking at about $150 for just food. Ouch.

I bought 24 brats and 20 burgers a couple days ago, thinking that would suffice. Now I need to go back and buy another dozen brats and some hot dogs.

Tomorrow I'll be making a myriad of pasta salads and desserts.

What was I thinking?

At least the August 19 game I've set a standard price of $25 a head to cover any financial obligations. Depending on how many people are "in" it'll cover parking as well.

On another note, I've opted out of my meds for Cushings. I miss being fun and I think it kind of kills me. I also don't like crying all the time. So what if I have an excess of male hormones? I liked not being emotional and yet here I was racking sobs at Izzy's attempt to save a man's life over Grey's last night - even though I've seen it more than a handful of times.

I stopped taking them on Monday (truth is I ran out and didn't refill) and I'm slowly feeling like myself again. I want to dance, I want to make jokes, I want to go out and party, I want to be important again.

I'm not sure how much of it was the medications and how much of it was me just being in a weird place, but I'm going to turn things around starting tomorrow.

Yes, I said tomorrow. Today I need to do laundry.

And Fore!

Yesterday I spent 6:45am-10:00pm working. 1/2 of it a golf outing in Madison. The ridiculous part? I haven't been out that way since my last indiscretion with RS, the one that put the kabosh on the first go round with TW. Only seemingly fit to end the second go round with the same trip - just a little less sexually satisfying. Then again, TW hasn't really been sexually satisfying anyhow.

Today's been nothing but a series of running around. I'm dogsitting and picked up my latest pet at 9am, went to work at 10:30, had a meeting at noon, went home at 3:00 to let the pup out, have a meeting at 5:15 and then I'm supposed to go out with my little. Supposed to being the operative word.

I texted my little (her preferred means of communication) at noon saying that I had a meeting at 5:15, so I'd be there around 6:30. She first responded with "Dat Cool" and then followed it up with "Can my friend go with?"

Ah, the exact thing my training warned me against. The correct answer is no, but my spine-lacking said "Sure, have her there by 6:30" to which she responded "That's a problem she lives further away."

Edit. Okay, so not only do you want me to chauffeur and potentially pick up the tab for you and your friend, but you also want me to go get her?

"So what you're actually saying is you need me to pick her up and drop her off"

Her response "Ok"

Alright, see that didn't even make sense. I responded that if she had other plans we could reschedule to Monday. She responded, "I was looking forward to it, but fine, Monday is okay."

I hate chicks.

See, I've wrote that response and it means one of two things - I had plans, so Mondays great but I still want you to feel bad. Or - Screw you for switching things on me. With text, it's hard to tell.

I responded "No,I'm set for today the friend thing threw me off so I didn't know if you just had other plans you forgot about."

Now I wait to see what the final answer is.

The truth is - I hope it is Monday. I wasn't planning on spending all night with her and I really wasn't budgeting for two people.

I need to grow a spine.

Just F*ing Cool

http://www.philinthecircle.com

Define Dating.

At dinner, AD and I were engaged in a conversation where we discussed the levels of getting to know one another. Something else I discussed way back in '05 of this blog (seriously, I've been blogging that long - damn). And this post on Wearing the Pants (see, this is why comments are fun - I had never been and I do enjoy what I'm reading) reminded me of it as well.

I wondered today if my thoughts on the "levels of dating" had changed.

AD had declared what I was doing with TW was, in fact, dating. Something that I found hard to swallow. His definitive reasoning was that of us spending more than 50% of our free time together and calling each other at least twice a week. Okay - by that definition sure, but I argued that dating was an exclusive relationship.

So it turns out that my levels of dating haven't changed in two years. Ah well.

New addiction as of late.

I get bored at work easily, so I patrol blogs a lot. I love people that update regularly and highly recommend Bella's blog (she was actually a visitor here a couple posts ago) - check her out here, and feel free to link over from "Daily Reads."

Also, after reading her post about her new running shoes - it inspired me to kick the cross trainers to the curb and go for some running shoes. I'm breaking them in as we speak and will be trying them out tonight.

The best news? They've got pink in them, LOL.

And I'm addicted to cooking. I'm actually making meatloaf for the guys at work (the vegetarian is making meatloaf - how ironic) tonight. I highly recommend this recipe - JS voted it the second best meatloaf he's ever had, which says a lot since he loves meatloaf.

INGREDIENTS
2 pounds extra-lean ground beef
1 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs
1 small onion, chopped
2 eggs, beaten
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
4 ounces thinly sliced cooked ham
4 ounces provolone cheese, sliced

DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
In a medium bowl, mix together the ground beef, bread crumbs, eggs, and onion. Season with garlic powder, salt and pepper. Pat the meat mixture out onto a piece of waxed paper, and flatten to 1/2 inch thick. Lay slices of ham onto the flattened meat, and top with slices of cheese. Pick up the edge of the waxed paper to roll the flattened meat up into a log. Remove waxed paper, seal the ends and seam, and place the loaf into a 9x5 inch loaf pan.
Bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the loaf is no longer pink inside.

Comparisons.

I can't help but think way too much - that's what I do. I've been trying to do everything right with TW, but I can't help but pull comparisons now that I've had so much interaction with AD.

Don't get me wrong - AD is not even on the list of people I want to be with - he doesn't want a relationship. But he has made me realize certain things that lack with TW.

Seriously, I know that Hollywood has objectified love and that some things are just never going to happen - but there are things that I think aren't there with TW.

Like phone calls. He's doing the same jacked up sh*t that he did the first go round - we had a great night on Thursday and now there's no calls.

Like walking me out. Okay, so you've been working a lot - but you've slept 10 hours and I just told you I'm leaving. Do you really need to say "Okay" and not even move?

Like cuddling. Like hand holding. Like just making me feel like I'm lucky. Well, he does in sense. When he sees me, we kiss. But during movies or after sex, there's not the hand holding, the laying next to each other, nothing.

Like talking about what's working. RS spoiled me, I'm used to having an after-sex recap - that worked for me, that didn't, are you comfortable? What about this? Can we try that? Nothing. In fact, anytime I say anything it seems to destroy the momentum.

Like a date. Why are we always hanging out at a bar or just relaxing at your place. Why can't we go out and see a movie or go out to dinner? We work opposite schedules, but I'll wait.

Like saying something nice. He does that sometimes, for instance last Monday I made a comment about his friends girlfriend being hot and he did say, "Like your not?" but I want to hear him say, "You look amazing" or tell me that I'm a good kisser or something - I tell you.

And then there's the things that AD does that he doesn't that makes me wonder. Like when I puked - following me out. Asking if I'm okay, driving me home. Like going to the movies with me and grabbing my hand and letting me lay my head on his shoulder. Like talking to me, joking with me, etc.

Not that TW isn't a good guy - he is. But now I start to wonder, and I'm trying really hard to stay off the multi path. But it's getting harder and harder with how often TW seems to push me away.

Lessons from Men about Men

Saturday was interesting. I had seen TW on Thursday, called him on Friday but he didn’t want to go out, we agreed to go out later. Saturday morning AD called and we decided to go to the frolic. After dinner, we didn’t really like what we saw and ended up deciding on going to another local pub. Unfortunately, it’s TW’s pub.

It was already 7:00, so I figured we’d knock down a couple and be out by 9:00, so even if TW would show up, he would have never known. But TW would call, right? I mean, we normally go out on Saturdays, so I'd just tell him where we were.

After a couple Hendrick's and Press cocktails, a tap on my shoulder and both AD & I turned, almost as if in slow motion. It was TW, smiling - "What are you doing here?" Peck on the lips, I explained that AD had suggested it since he had never been there. And that's when the pissing war started - minus the pissing.

I can't fully justify what happened, I mean TW was obviously not going to even call me - he was there to play poker until 5 in the morning, and there really isn't anything going on between me and AD, I mean, I didn't think so.

AD explained the "Man Rules" below:

Incident One: I can't remember his name.
When TW came up, he whispered he couldn't remember AD's name - even though they've met more than 1/2 a dozen times and had just spent all Monday together. I told him, but he proceeded to let AD know that he didn't know his name.

It was explained by AD that this was a male's way of saying "you mean nothing" and not a slight loss of mind.

Incident Two: The cough.
TW sat on the other side of AD and turned his head to cough all over him. AD was incredibly pissed. I tried to talk him off the ledge and he told me this was just another way of claiming his territory.

Incident Three: Join us.
TW went away for awhile but came back about 10 minutes later, "MG, why don't you guys join us at the table?" Nah, I replied. AD and I were just fine where we were. I turned back and AD just laughed, "That's just perpetuating the situation."

"Huh?" I tried to explain that there was no game that I was playing, he obviously had no intention of being with me or talking to me that night, I was just letting him know that I wasn't going to watch him play poker.

AD explained that the invitation was just a way to see where my intentions for the evening laid. I told him that it didn't matter than - because if TW wasn't going to call, obviously I can have other plans.

Incident Four: Make sure you tell me when you leave.
Just before poker started, TW came back, reached down and kissed me. "Tell me when you leave so I can goodbye.

AD just shook his head, "This guy can't stand me. But it's really the fact that I'm here with you."

At this point, I didn't care, I was drunk. And I was sick of the dialog explaining what was happening. I stood up, went to the bathroom and informed TW that I was wearing some new items from Fredrick's so I'd love a call when he was done. I sat back down, took a sip and stood back up. "You really aren't peeing again are you?"

"Nope. Going outside to puke."

I walked about 1/2 a block and started throwing up, there was a gentle hand on my cheek, tugging my hair away and it was AD. "Honey, we're going home. Give me your keys."

It may not be what you want to read.

On my way to Big Brothers/Big Sisters, I turned on to 41 to hear the chiming of "Candy Man" on my cell phone. I looked down and my phone politely warned me amongst the Bumpkin's white mask that it was TW.

"'Ello?'"

"Whatchyah doing?"

"Driving to the Gh-ET-to"

We had a delightful 10 minute conversation before I withdrew to inspire our youth and told him I'd chat with him later, a friend and I were going out to dinner and he was welcome to join us for after drinks, which he did.

When he arrived, there was no welcome kiss like I've been accustomed to these past few weeks. I thought that we had just established we were friends. We talked until it got too loud and walked outside. He told me he was going home, I said okay and turned my back until his hand grabbed mine - "Wait? Your not going to come over?"

"Nah."

Then he kissed me. He's such a great kisser. The kissing was different as well since I was still in my 5" heels from work. Outside the world seemed to stop as our lips touched until we agreed to go to his place for a movie.

And that's what we did. Watched a movie, cuddled just like that first week we were together. We never made out, the movie was too good. And at the end, we started making out like 8th graders.

After the night, we both went on the front porch for a smoked and, being incredibly tired, I leaned on him as he kissed my forehead. I have no idea why that is such an incredible gesture. We talked until we finished and then I went to leave he kissed me again. A couple minutes of that in the crisp summer air and I was ready to fall asleep in my bed.

Getting Over It.

Alright, so no call from TW yesterday and, even though I'm holding out for one tonight, I give up. I tried to play the cards correctly and it still came out a bum hand but in the end, it's a lesson learned.

I am capable of really liking someone and turning down dates because I do. I always try to have a back up plan - but it's not always going to come out roses. I've decided that multi-dating is not the thing for me.

And dating people in their 30's and 40's probably isn't either. I need someone that actually wants to be with me.

Not that I'm not hoping he calls, because I am. So go ahead and chastise me in the comments, tell me that he's no good.

But he is. He is a very nice person. In all honesty, if he calls, I'll go right back into the relationship, no questions asked.

Whatever Happened to?

Talk about self-indulgent, I've been reading some of my old posts and they make me laugh - but they also made me wonder if anyone who does that here ever wonders "What happened to ...."

So let's start with the originals - Boys by Numbers, the funny thing about this - well there's 2 - (a) There was no number 2, but then again, I was drunk a lot when I started this blog so ah-well and (b) I actually had to research a couple to see who they actually were ...

#1 - Okay, he's still around - and still referred to by number because he does read this blog and he didn't want to be letters. Still my friend, not my make-out buddy. Lord I love him.

#3 - Was changed to RS. And really, not going to go into where he is. Well, why not? In a a relationship, really happy, thinking of long (gulp) term.

#4 - LOL. He's now gay. Glad I didn't sleep with him!

#5 - With J, still, even though they got in a fight. Also referred to as "The Bear"

CB - Probably gay. Still single, still claiming to be straight. Still looks like he's going to cry when he sees me. Flashbacks to me putting my hand near his belt and throwing himself straight across the room can do that to you.

CW - Now in Waterford. Kind of dropped off the face of the planet - probably a good thing. Cringing at Football season and the potential of seeing him again. Take another piece of my heart now baby!

BG - What a regret. Here's Mr. Perfect and MG throws him to the curb. Poor kitten. Still single, still in the band. I want to see him again, but I know that he still has feelings.

HC Guy - Wow - no clue on him. He was damn cute.

GG - Guitar Guy - Single, lives far away, apparently still bitches about us not talking. But I think it was RS's regular old BS since I accepted him as a myspace friend and he hasn't talked to me once.

Mr. D - Still with Ameritech last I heard, probably with a bleach blonde trophy wife these days

PB (Pierced Bartender) - Still a bartender at the bowling alley - LOL. His funniest post is here

Boy Scout - No clue.

JF - Still post about him, he's in love right now. In fact, he's taking her on a wine cruise, all together "AWWW"

FG - IM'd awhile back to say he was so sorry. Still, don't care. You blew it.

Take Out the Trash

If you're an avid reader - this will crack you up. Late circumstances have left me dumbfounded and I actually accidentally bumped into "They Might Be Giants" myspace page and found this song. It made me laugh incredibly hard since I could see JF & #1 singing this to me.



There's been relatively no conversation with TW regarding the "situation" from Wednesday - what I didn't post was the actual occurrence so here's a little entertainment for you.

I was driving home talking to #1, when TW's buddy RNG (Really Nice Guy) screamed my name out his window and then called. We ended up starting to drink at 6:30. TW did not have a good day at work and was relatively cranky and just wanted to bowl. He told me he'd see me at the alley - RNG convinced him to come out for one cocktail. In the meantime AD came out too and we engaged in our regular forte of flirting and conversation. So the 3 of us end up at RNG's with TW (so it's 4, not 3 - I'm not good at math) and then head to the alley for an obscene amount of consumption. AD had no interest in driving - so I drove him while RNG & TW went together. I handled my drinks easily since I had to drive and AD is a client.

TW & RNG decide, after RNG's girl gets there, that the party will continue at TW's place. TW informed me that I should return AD, as they didn't really get along very well.

I drove AD to his car and before he left we engaged in chit-chat regarding TW. He informed me he just saw me with someone more fun - and then he kissed me.

I promptly pulled away, "Christ! What are you doing! I'm with TW!"

After the train pulled out and I replayed the last 5 minutes in my head over and over, desperately trying to reach someone to reason with me. When I arrived at TW's I walked into the middle of the conversation with RNG, his girl & TW.

"She's just with him because he has money." RNG said, "He bought her boobs."

"It's not going to last." TW said.

I walked in, dead silence. Kissed TW and made myself a drink. "Besides, you know that as soon as it ends, she's going to come running back to you."

I tried not to turn around. TW said, "I'm not taking her back!" Although there was that little glitter in his eye - just not sure if it was because he like the thought of her wanting him back, or he liked the thought of being back with her.

The conversation was in regards to his ex-wife. Interesting.

More not-so-pleasant conversations arose - like how many people we've all slept with. I found it funny, since my number didn't go over well with a lot of people in this post that it was actually made fun of for being so low to those 3. In fact, it was almost a look of disgust in regards to me. Although, a turn on for TW. On top of that, it revolved into a conversation where TW announced that he had missed out on being overly-sexually active in his 20's since he was married and was now going to make up for it during his 30's. This was the second time he's made that comment.

So you have to wonder why I asked if I was just a sex buddy? In hindsight - we aren't having that much sex, so I shouldn't have even brought it up - but the situations made me think of who I was to him.

And each day that passes that I don't hear from him, I realize what I wasn't.

Now there's the situation with AD to direct - although, it's pretty simple that there isn't a situation really at all.

Sometimes my jaw should be wired shut.

How NOT to pick up a girl

I went for a run about 8:00pm since I STILL couldn't sleep and by now I was a mess. I needed to clear my head and get some exercise so I started on Fernwood and headed towards 794.

The thing I love about where I live is that there were plenty of neighbors out on their porches enjoying their evenings that will wave as you run by. I also love that it's diverse.

I rounded the corner where a couple kids were playing kick ball and headed back towards KK when one of the porch people came towards the end of the walk. I'm not graceful and at the same moment I ignored the slight elevation in the sidewalk and, clunk, fell right to the girl.

A momentary swear word and I was getting back on my feet when I looked up to a pair of black boots, black shorts and a black t-shirt that said "The only job I need is a blow job."

"Need Ice?"

"Nope."

"Well, you're kind of cute - want to meet out when you're done?"

"Nope."

"Why not."

"Not drinking, learned my lesson last night."

"Well how about your number."

"Nope."

"Why not? It'll be fun."

"Umm. I'm seeing someone?"

"Seriously, I'll buy."

"Seriously, get a new t-shirt."

And off I went to the likes of Cold blaring on my MP3 player. I ran as fast as I could away from that t-shirt.

I've been kind of bitchy lately - but seriously, he looked in his 30s, should he really own that??

Ask the question, get the answer - kind of.

TW was drunk last night and it was late, but I somehow got the nerve to call him at 3am and finally admit that I didn't want to be just a FB. His response, "Uh ....... okay." I responded, "So if that's what you want - I can't be that." - his response, "Uh .... okay." Bye? "Bye." Click.

Summerfest Lessons & Maybe Not Not-Single.

It was an interesting weekend. Friday I went out with TW, when we got back to his house we engaged in our usual forte of drunken sex. I came so much I passed out - that's right, in his bed. It was the first time we slept in the same bed together and it was a shocker - he's not a cuddler. In fact, anytime I tried to get near him, he'd turn his back. That through me for a loop.

We woke up around 11am and I went home to shower and get ready for Summerfest. By 2:00 R & K came over for some pre-bar, pre-Summerfest drinks. TW joined us. It was at this point I kept seeing him looking a bit longingly in K's eyes and started getting irritated. I put it behind me - after all, I'm the one he's kissing and f*cking.

We grabbed a bite to eat and when the bill came, I passed over a $20 bill. He ended up paying for the whole bill - pretending to have big-daddied all of us even though my tab was a mere $10.00. Then we grabbed a cocktail at the High and waited for the bus.

On the bus, an annoying drunk chick commented that K and TW made a cute couple - K replied, "He's actually with her." She commented that they still made a cute couple ... What the f*?

At Summerfest we met up with a couple of K's friends before trying to hook up with AD and some of his buddies, not to mention my sister and her boyfriend. Her boy whispered in my ear, "Why did you bring him? My buddy is here and I think you're perfect."

He bent down from the bench, a beautiful character at just barely 6 feet, dark hair, gorgeous eyes and introduced himself as Brian (that's right - he gets a real name), "Nice to finally meet you" as he reached his hand down to help me up on the bench. Damn it. We left shortly after and went over to the Miller stage to catch Live.

TW and I made out for awhile until the brunette next to him started talking, which he promptly turned his back to me to engage in conversation. It could have been the beer, but again - What the f*? J was there with her boyfriend, they got into a huge fight and I left TW there, alone, to hold her while she cried. I got back just before the concert started.

J's boy was infront of me, an easy 275 and 6 foot plus which beats my tiny frame at a mere 5 foot 3. I struggled to see Ed and the band. J's boy also blocked my friend Sarah - her husband politely switched spots so she could see.

At the end of the show, TW commented "Shit - should have moved to let you see, shouldn't I have?" I smiled and sipped my now, extremely warm, beer.

We waited for the bus and by this point R and TW were a good amount in the bag. They joked around as my sober self checked my phone for any messages. I texted E, "Guess I was wrong about this whole TW thing."

The bus finally arrived, TW took off to get a seat. When R got on she promptly took the spot next to him and I took the one kitty-corner, alone. I ignored TW trying to get my attention as I sat on the phone with E describing the events of the evening. "Am I self sabotaging?" She told me she didn't know.

We caught dinner and a couple more drinks and he stayed at my place. I was so angry by the end of the night but he was too drunk to drive home. He left at 8am and I struggled the whole hot day with trying to decide if this is who I want to be with.

Love looks good on you.

So it's not love, it's infatuation, but when I came into work yesterday my boss commented on why I looked so good. I told her I had been out with TW, he went to the 4th with my family, and I was finally trying to play the game of love right - she said, "Love looks good on you."

For once in my life, I'm not trying to juggle more than one guy - I even got asked out by a new guy and said that I would be interested in a friendly dinner, but that I was kind-of-sort-of seeing someone. I walked away, for the first time, not thinking that I made a mistake.

It's not to say that I think I'm falling madly in love - because I'm not. This whole situation is incredibly new to me. Trying to be a regular person and not a sex kitten hasn't been in my emotional vocabulary for almost 4 years. He's completely different from anyone else I have been with - he's quiet, he's relaxed. The guys I normally date are versions of me - catalytic, charismatic, center-of-attention and flamboyant (in both the gay and non-gay sense LOL), he just simply isn't. It's something that I've struggled a bit with. Up until now, I hated silence. But on the 4th, I reveled in just sitting in his arms and watching a movie.

The kissing is completely different. It's like having sex with your mouth. Sometimes overly passionate, sometimes completely calm. Sometimes, grab-his-neck and pin him up against the wall, and sometimes just a little lip tug. And we can do it for hours. In fact, we do do it for hours.

There's this whole different realm of what I'm dipping my toes into. I'm a huge fan of giving oral - but not of receiving, I see it as a waste of time - or I did up until Monday night. I couldn't even imagine how many times he'd make me cum. Now I fantasize about it. In the aftermath, he said, "I thought you didn't like that ..." I told him I normally didn't - but now I'd have to go back and test a bunch of people to see what I missed out on (see, the sex kitten talking) to which he looked at me, kissed me, and said "Shut up." I think he was slightly offended at my joke.

Or there was the calm night on the 4th, that during the movie I started kissing him gently. About an hour later we were 1/2 naked up his stairs and in his room where we didn't even get completely on the bed before we had sex.

But then there's the fact that we just had sex once, even after polite nudging on his porch after a smoke was turned down. "We have Saturday." He said, looking intently at his cigarette butt still red and orange at the tip. "You're going to make me wait 3 days to have sex?" (Sex kitten again, sometimes it's too hard to resist) he laughed a bit, "I'll call you when the kid leaves tomorrow."

And then he didn't call. This is the time where you get all confused inside - am I pushing things too far, am I looking for something he's not, am I just another person to have sex with, then again - I didn't actually want to see him last night, I was too cranky from work, disappointed that I could run 3 miles on Thursday last week, but only one and a half yesterday, but that insecure chick side of me creeps in once in awhile.

I can't help but sometimes think of the hot sex with RS as compared to him - the talking afterwards, the cuddling, and at the end, sleeping in his arms. The moment in the middle of the night where you wake up and realize he's just as cozy as you. Those elements haven't appeared yet - often I feel like I'm being rushed out the door after having sex with TW (of course, it's usually 1am or so and we both work early). I can't help but think I nixed the sleeping over when I left the other week in the middle of the night.

We'll see what the weekend brings.

"Is he a fella or a friend?" MG's Grandma

Nebraska recap first -

It was so interesting, there people work on farms, in corn fields, kill their own chickens and have gigantic families. We had to wear color coded t-shirts for godsake. We ended up visiting the graves of family members we never knew - my dad teared up at his mom's grave. At the end of the trip, Dad filled us in on his childhood. On one hand, I was very sympathetic to his growing up - he was bounced around a lot, forgotten, abandoned. He had to find his own way. On the other hand, I couldn't except how he could do some of the things he did to us growing up knowing he had to go through that. I mean - we're supposed to learn from our pasts, not repeat them. The abuse, the abandonment, everything he went through he put on us. He said he grew up feeling like he was nothing - exactly what he's done to all 4 of us. I mean, granted, he's changed since the accident but still, it's heart wrenching.

We had one last dinner on Sunday night before heading back to the hotel to enjoy a light conversation with a couple family members and pack for our 5am departure. I came back to the room at 10:30, I had a voicemail. I played it and was delighted to hear TW's voice. I called him back promptly.

On Monday, TW and I enjoyed a cocktail at my pub and some bowling before going back to his place and messing around. This time I got a call the next day.

Yesterday I had 2 friends with no plans, so I invited them along to our family cook out. As I pulled out of the drive, TW called and his plans fell through I invited him along to my family's shindig and to my surprise he said yes. He's now met 1/2 my family and they are in love with him.

At one point my grandma who has been fixated on the baby and failing to see her granddaughter kiss in the yard asked if he was a "fella or a friend?" I smiled coyly - "He's a fella."