In the times of the New Year

Resolutions. Are you going with the “I’ll never make a resolution” or are you going with the “Happier relationships, lose weight, work harder, save more money?” I can’t resist.

Every year I feel like the plate is wiped clean, after all I’ve gone the last three years without anything holding me back. No lease, no boyfriend. I could get up and leave without a second glance. I see it as a chance as renewal, a chance of forgiveness, a chance of re-inventing.

That’s what the Phoenix is about. That’s why it’s on my back. Now with it’s revamping, I feel like I should revamp myself again. I’m not miserable in my current life, but as we all feel, we could always adjust certain things.

Maybe it’s not a resolution but a re-inventation but here’s the changes I’d like to see in myself during 2007.

Most importantly. I will be classier. The last few years I’ve been more Samantha than Charlotte (yes that’s an STC reference) and I’ve come to realize that Charlotte is not a bad person, apparently naïve but completely classy. I will swear less, I will wear dresses more, I will wear heels and I will be different. When I walk down the street they will say that I’m classy, not trashy. My chest will be covered, my calves will shine in expensive shoes. My hair will be long, my eyes will shine. My hair will be done, my make up on.

Secondly, I will take time for myself. I’m a workaholic, classic Capricorn. My job has always been my family, I’ve lived and breathed it. I couldn’t live without access to email on the weekends or constant cell phone interaction. I will turn it off one day a week so clients, family and friends can’t access me. I’ll sit in the tub and clean my house, I’ll go to the gym and watch cheesy movies. I might even go on a date.

Lastly, I will stop the affair. Men are ridiculous because I’m a phenomenal catch. I’ve been using my Madison trips as an excuse to convince myself I’m not ready for a relationship, when in fact I’m actually in one. I’ve tried to position myself as this renegade, open to a casual relationship when the truth is – even if it’s just sex, I deserve at least a Happy Birthday text message or IM. I’ve already made the first step and registered on Yahoo Personals. The men in my industry are notoriously womanizers and I don’t want to shop talk.

This made me cry.

Stolen from postsecret.blogspot.com

Sometimes we forget that the holidays isn't about us. This made my eyes welt and took my breath away for a second. It makes me want to know who sent it and just hug them :(

Birthday Recap

So the official recap - December 27 saw inking, drinking, hooking up and hanging over. Not all of them were me though.

Inking - yup. Got that addition that I've been wanting. 3 hours in the chair and only one really deep cut, my phoenix is now rising from the ashes. I can't wait to get naked and show the next person I'm with - it turned out great.



As for drinking, with all the people that showed up, I spent more time making rounds than drinking (which was fine since I got so trashed the night before ...). With only 4 beers and one birthday shot, I hugged and smiled all the guests. One of the guests was an ex that I was seeing earlier last year and toying with the idea of dating again. When he showed up I was very happy - except a friend of mine also expressed interest and I reluctantly agreed to help with the set up. So they were the hooking up.

When it came to being hung over - that was most of the participants! Nice thing about not drinking too much!!

Mid-Holiday

We're currently in the mid-Holiday week, what fun! Christmas and my birthday have passed, and now it's just time for New Years.

Though I despise my birthday, this year it was pretty great. On Tuesday night I went out with #1 for an early celebration and got tanked, puking on my brand new shoes. On Wednesday I woke up on his couch and went into work for a couple hours, then I went to get myself a nice birthday present...

When I was 21 I got the Phoenix tattooed because it signified the rising of a new me, at 26 I decided it was time to get it completed. The flames were supposed to reach out from my butt to my mid-backed, but for one of the first times in my life, I couldn't drop my pants for a stranger - so we worked with in context.

Then I had a great dinner with the family and met some friends out at the Highbury - not just a handful - in fact about 15 or so people were there, for me! All people I've met with in the last year, but great friends regardless. I'll post more later ...

What a week!

Joan was in town last week and headed out to the Pack game on Thursday. Taking a deep breath after a long week and having my house back to myself, I sunk into the warm bubble bath that I prepared for myself. The bubbles were all around, crackling as my ears were submerged in the hot water and I closed my eyes.

As normal, the cat paced the edge of the tub. He hates it when I'm in there. Not sure if it's the water or the fact that I don't see him, but he will not leave my side when I'm in the shower or the tub and pulls back the curtain to paw at my arm and ferouciously lick any speckles of water that are in my hair or on my face or arms. As in normal context, back and forth he went but this time he went too far.

He's a tom-cat, which is bigger than a normal cat, and I may be over feeding him a bit - so when he reached the far end, he had difficulties turning. "Oh baby!" I sat up to help him, at the same time he used my face as a launching pad to keep from getting wet. I sunk in the tub, thanking God that I closed my eyes so quickly. The water seeped into the cut, the stinging started above my eye and kicked over to my neck. "FUCK."

I got out of the tub, looked in the mirror and I was covered in seeping blood.

Prior to work I tried to hide the resinating scratch but to no success - looks like it will be a season of Scarface.

And this is why ...

My dad calls today, "Hey you know next Wednesday isn't for your birthday, right?"

Me: "Huh? But she said it was for my birthday (sister)"

Dad: "She changed her mind, it's baby J's Christmas since we're all going to be together."

Me: "Umm. Wow. Okay."

Dad: "I know it's an issue when we combine, but it's only convenient."

Me: "At least I'll have my cake."

Dad: "She actually ordered one that says "baby J's Christmas."

Me: "Oh."

So ask me again, why do I hate my birthday? Grrr.

And then there was the invite that arrived yesterday as I went to my hair dresser. Wedding, Feb. 9th, 4pm (hair dresser's wedding). At my appointment, "You know you HAVE to bring a guest."

Okay. So gotta find a guest I guess...

Happier note - I love this Christmas song and this is a great rendition!

The Dawn of a New Day

Okay, I went to check out Bally's yesterday and while it's not my choice of gyms, I think I'm going to get a membership anyway including the personal trainer. I called my dad who was out of ideas for me for Christmas and asked him to pony up the enrollment fee and he agreed, so I'm going to enjoy getting fat today and then tomorrow it's the strict gym regiment!

And then there was one.

Have you ever been in this situation? You are single, have a great group of single friends that all hook up with each other and just are in the STC life of being. Things are going great. In fact, one of your friends even has found “love.” That was two months ago and things are going great for her, she doesn’t spend much time with the group anymore but she’s in love and there’s plenty still in the circle.

Except, now two of the other sets have hooked up and stayed together. They aren’t much for hanging out with the old group, so the four of them have formed their little circle. Granted, they call once in awhile when there’s a spat, but they’re generally happy.

So now your great group of friends is down to just four, two girls and two guys. The first guy has been seeing someone on the side and now, due to the holidays, they’ve gotten a little cozy. You see him once in awhile.

And the girl, she went back with her ex-boyfriend because she can’t stand the thought of the holidays alone. Who will be under the mistletoe for her or that midnight kiss?

So the two are left, the happy-with-disenchantment-love-doesn’t-exist type of friendship. They joke about getting laid, in fact he’s taking a girl home tonight that he just met.

The next morning the girl gets a call from him, “I had such a good time with her last night.”

She jokes and sings a song “You love her, you want to kiss her. You’re going to marry her.”

“Nah” he says, “but the things she can do with her tongue. Think I might see her again.”

And the next week, she leaves for Christmas parties and he goes on a date with her. A real date – he even pays. The next morning she calls and he doesn’t answer. She goes out.

He finally calls her, “Can I talk about something with you?”

“Sure.”

“So I was with the girl last night and we really had a good time. We talked and then we had sex. We were cuddling afterwards and she asked me where this was going.”

“Balls – after a week? Christ, you took her home the first night.”

“Yeah and I told her I liked hanging out with her and wanted to do it more. And then she said there were two things she wouldn’t stand for (1) me being with anyone else and (2) me dealing drugs.”

“And”

“And I said okay. So what does that mean?”

“It means you have a girlfriend.”

“I have a girlfriend? A real girlfriend?” All gitty like a two year old.

“Yup.”

And then she goes her own way and goes to her regular booty call as he calls her to say he’s seeing her again tonight. She has a great time on her own. 4 hours of sex. Every time she tried to leave, he asked her to stay. And when she finally put her shoes on he pinned her against the door and she looked at him,

“Seriously, you’re okay with this.”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re having fun?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’ll tell me when it isn’t any more.”

“Yeah. And you’re having fun?”

“Yeah.”

“And the same goes for you?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Kiss. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

With barely enough sleep she wakes up in the morning and goes about her business, contemplating what that little end conversation meant. And then she texts him to help her clarify.

He responds, “Still with her.”

And he calls, finally, six hours later to recount how he is falling in love.

And then there was one. One single person. One person who has spent the last 4 years by herself for every Christmas, every birthday and every New Years.

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

I don't hate this season 100% because of Christmas or my birthday, I hate that it slows and we have to perceive our lives in the last year and are tempted to make judgements on it.

A couple phrases I've found very insightful the past few days:

Live your life with no regrets, because you'll never wonder what if.

I've loved 1/2 my life, hated the other 1/2, and in the meantime I forgot to live it.


The first phrase is how I've lived my life in the last few years. I spent too much of my youth being cautious and doing things for other people that I decided to live my life with no regrets. While painful leasons have been learned in the process, I don't regret much that has happened to me. For instance, when I saw RS was online I toyed with should I text or not. I called a friend who told me, "You've got two possible outcomes - he'll answer back or he won't. Would you regret not knowing either way?" So I went to my back up phone, found his number and sent him a text - "So looking to schedule a welcome home interaction?"

As I waited for a response, I was reminded of a phrase I heard ions ago (I can't even remember the source - but the person was dying at the time) - the second phrase. I contemplated, with my legs hanging off my balcony, if in all the hub-bub of working, socializing and going on with daily activities if I forgot the main purpose of why I'm here - to live. I for the most part am not a hateful person, but when I was younger I spent a good amount of time hating people that my boyfriend informed me weren't good people - including my father. I was wrong. In recent years I've become more laxed and found that hating people is not in my nature and I wasted over 1/2 of what my life will be doing it. So I've decided to love everyone and not regret them or the relationships I've been in. But I don't think I've actually really loved anyone and I don't think I've actually lived my life.

So what's a girl to do? I pondered as my phone vibrated from a text and beeped back - "What did you have in mind?"

I smiled. So JF and #1 were right to a point, I was willing to make a stop this weekend when I was out and about in Madison for a friend's party, but not that night. Instead he came to me. And I came twice.

Getting ready for the new year

Tis the season to start thinking about what went right, what went wrong and what changes can be made in the new year. Last year my main goal was no more destructive relationships. For the most part, that was fulfilled. I needed to remind myself occassionally of my worth and, except for the most recent snafu with RS, I'm ending the year having never had a relationship that was destructive.

In looking back I changed a lot this year. I accepted a new position, found happiness in a job, found a new place, moved out on my own. I found pieces of myself that I had thought were lost but I also lost more pieces of myself.

While so many changes happened, I forgot to believe in myself. That's the main goal for this coming year.

Tis the Season

While I love the holidays and I do enjoy Christmas because I love to make people's days - I also hate this time of year in the straight out Bah humbug kind of way.

First of all, it's a pity party for myself. This is my 3rd, technically 4th Christmas season alone. 4 years ago I was falling out with Guitar guy and didn't even spend time with him during the season, though we "technically" were together still. I'll never forget having to travel to Neenah under the pretense that we were still together. Shoot me. And while I've had an ankling pool of boys, none of them were ever around for this time of year which of course means that I got no kisses in the snow or gifts (even in the 4th year segment) to show appreciation. And then there's my birthday.

I'm December 27, two freaking days after Christmas. One of the busiest traveling days as well. Which means people are either just getting done with the holidays or traveling back after them. This, ironically, means that I plan my own get togethers and while the whole bayou says "no problem! we'll meet you out!" it also means on that day I usually sit on a bar stool by myself only to be bombarded with phone calls on the 29th insisting that they feel like horrible friends and they forgot. The past couple years I've traveled over the date and just go MIA. That way I blame poor cell reception on the lack of phone calls and no one has any pressure to see me because I'm out of town. This year, however, my birthday lands during the week and I can't escape due to other people's holiday schedules. I've given up any hope of a get together and will be dining with my sister and her two-year old.

Digressing back to the alone thing, to top it all off it seems like it's over between me and RS. Rightfully so, it's that time of year and I knew he was getting feelings as well. Turns out I was his hooker without having to pay. I say this because a Fuck Buddy at least gets some communication, whereas once you're done with a hooker you have no need to call or talk to them again. After unreturned phone calls and texts, I've opted out of this game. As JF and #1 point out, as soon as I get that text I'll be driving to Madison to spread my legs, but in the same sense I'm over it.

And then there's work. I love my job as you may know, but we're going through big changes right now and I'm not sure I want to hold on. The bad things about sales are also usually the best, meaning that the more you sell the more you make. I've tripled their sales on a monthly basis and now have adjusted my lifestyle to fit that of what I'm used too, but now I keep hearing "I know this is tying your hands ..." and am basically stuck with not having an opportunity to make my sales and therefore commissions. Not to mention the coordinator at work likes to use me as a scapegoat for things and seems to be trying to pound nails into my coffin. On numerous occassions I've asked him if he's trying to get me fired and the response is always a chuckle. I'm too old to play these games.

I'm too old maybe should be the theme of this bah-humbug post. I'm too old to be a hooker, to be in kid like games at work and to old to count on people to try to make me happy.

So raise your glasses and cheers to the holiday season, and if you're in Milwaukee on the 27th say Happy Birthday to the blonde at the bar with the Bud Light at the Highbury.

Start a new, play it out?

Bz posted on her site about the worst kind of confusion being about yourself. I'm not sure you ever stop questioning yourself.

In my last week off since any encounter of the driving kind, I've of course had time to think about what should happen. "If he texts me, then he cares." i tell myself, as my phone lays silent. Now I'm starting to wonder if it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie and not have any of my encounters anymore. This is the problem when you have too much time.

JF and I were out to drinks and he commented that one of the girls he was seeing had just gone on a 2 week vacation and that "the momentum is just gone" after that period of time, I'm wondering if RS is feeling the same way and I'm pretty sure I am too.

Before he left we had intimate time, just not in his bed but in eachother's presence - that was a stepping stone but perhaps a stone that is now covered - in 14 inches of snow to be exact.

Truth in Lyrics for December

Eerily like RS:

And I don't wanna see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given
And oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin'
There's nothin' left for you to break
Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces

Someone let you down again
So you turn to me,
Your convenient friend
Oh, but I know what you're doin'
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor

That Girl.

Last night JF, BG, N and I went out for a beverage of adult content. I knew that CB was going to be brought up. We haven't spoken since my ill-fated email that explained I didn't want to be a secret.

BG left and I turned to N, "JF knows everything - so you can say whatever you want." "What happened? He's heart broken."

JF had my back, explaining that he was a huge backer of CB for the entire time and that my actions were warranted. But she still pailed home that I was "That Girl."

"That Girl" is the girl in conversations when you're talking to a friend and say, "Oh, that girl." She's done something to warrant her being an object and not a real person. "That Girl" can be used in different contexts, for instance...

Scenario 1:
"I had crazy sex last night" - "with who?" - "that girl." Usually with some kind of head shaking and crazy eye expression that makes you feel like you should give a high five. I'm "That Girl" in the RS situation.

Scenario 2:
"She broke up with me over email." - "THAT GIRL did?" - In the sense of, "who does she think she is?"

Scenario 3:
Or in the past sense, "So I saw her last night." - "Who?" - "That Girl." as in, "she broke my heart."

So I'm that girl in all situations. It's not the first situation that I'm ashamed of, it's the last two. I feel like crap. I mean I've been dating for 12 years now and I haven't broken any hearts and only one person might talk ill of me, and he sued me so he has no right to. I knew once the "V" word was said that I was walking on glass and had to take things in the right way or end up launching a piece about 5 inches right into his heart - which I guess I did.

While talking to N I mentioned my affair with RS and how I actually feel happy, but I must admit that the situation with CB has taken me aback a bit. I feel like I don't deserve to want to be happy.

I guess "Shit, I was almost happy" applies again.

Son of a B*tch!

I pay $650 a month for rent - water & trash are the only things included and I live in an old place, this means that heat leaks like no tomorrow so my gas and electric tip the scales close to $130 a month. Justification purposes, my rent was supposed to include a parking space (off street) and a washer and dryer.

Well, with our little blizzard the landlord's brought out both trucks and now I can't park! Also, both washing machines are in use all the time and I know one of them is on my electric. The hall light is also on my electric and is turned on all the time without me. I'm getting to the short end of my leash here.

I've composed this letter (note, my landlord's live downstairs so I don't want to be mean):

First let me say that I really enjoy living here – you guys are great, I love being able to walk Cocoa, I love the location and I love the place.

I was really hoping to have a housewarming party this weekend; however, I know the remodeling is not done yet. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I would love to have people over for it, I was curious to if you thought it was possible to finish the place within the month? If not, please let me know so I can make alternative plans – either way is not a big deal.

Also, as we’ve discussed, the truck does take up a large amount of parking space and I can barely get my car in when it doesn’t snow. I was able to maneuver my car after shoveling out the space on Saturday but I’m really not able to get in at all with the truck on the outside of the garage at all. I’ve been parking on the street but am risking getting tickets every night with the snow. Part of the allure was having an off-street parking place in the rental amount, is there any possibility of having the spot available? If it might not be all the time I’d like to get a night parking permit for situations like this that arrive and take the amount off of my rent.

I don’t mean to be a pest, but I feel that I am paying a decent amount of rent for the area and I’d just like to be compensated for what I’m paying for.

I know there’s a lot going on right now and I am more than happy to utilize my dad’s workmen to finish the kitchen and pay them for their time if I can take that money out of my rent for January.

Please let me know your thoughts!

Almost Happy Again

I was doing my normal Monday scrolling, checking on all my favorite bloggers to see what was going on and I made my normal 11:00 stop at postsecret and saw this postcard above (link to it on the side). It was funny how it hit me.

"Shit, I was almost happy again." How many times do we sabatoge what's going on in our lives because we fear that we might be happy again? I do it constantly.

I was reading Darth's blog and in one post he discusses his Uncle & a woman he is dealing with - both situations are drastic, and all I could think is that they'd prefer the sympathy of others than to fix their ideal situations and then I wondered if that was me.

BG and I were at the bar the other night, grabbing a beer and celebrating the fact of his band being mentioned on-air. A couple got tossed back when he informed me that he knows we'll never be together because he's not my type - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be. He told me he's accepted his position of being my friend and will forever be my protector. It made my heart drop - how many girls would envy the position of a good looking guy saying that to them? I asked myself if I was potentially giving up happiness for something that could never be.

Of course, you know that means that I went to Madison the next day seeking solidarity and clarification. I actually didn't do it intentionally, I was walking my landlord's dog and when we arrived home I got a text message, "Should I be expecting company tonight?"

I was confused and not technically in the mood so I wrote back, "From me?" and dipped my toes into the warm bubble bath to heat up my cold skin from the walk. A little banter and 20 minutes later I drug my bubble soaked butt out of the tub and plugged in the curling iron. He'd be gone for a week, I could justify my second romp of the week, plus I left upset last time because I couldn't service him properly.

The night went on as normal. I couldn't get his doorbell to ring, he opened the door and I entered. He tried to kiss me, I told him to sit on the couch. I performed a little strip tease and we got down to business. He came, I didn't. He was out of commish, but held me close. It was 10:00 when I told him I wanted to leave before the blizzard, it was 2:00 when I actually did. This time seemed different, we chatted about his favorite band coming into town on tour, we talked about his week of vacation in Michigan. I asked who he was going with, and then he answered, "the guys."

With out thinking I asked, "the guys?" and then it dawned on me - The Guys. The guys from the band, including my ex. Without hesitation he confirmed and we chatted briefly about each individual person and their status - including a brief synopsis of the ex (with out my prompting). I felt that the conversation was about "the guys" and not the usual conversation dealing with "my ex." I wondered as I laid on his chest if he finally made a disassociation and if he was getting to a point where he could see me as a genuine person in his life. "You don't have to go if you don't want" he said as I put on my boots, "Do you want me to stay?" "No" he said as he hugged me and kissed me. I saw him waiting by his window as I pulled away.

I called #1 the next day, and told him I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I've crossed the line, I've screwed up. I was the girl that wanted sex with out strings, and I didn't stop when my emotions started getting in the way. #1 told me that I knew what I had to do, but asked me if it was what I wanted to do. I told him no, but I couldn't go through what he put me through years back. #1 asked me if I was stopping myself from being happy or if I've justified him as the reason to be happy. I told him that I can't help but think that he's the right guy. #1 reminded me that past mistakes aren't usually forgiving in the future and told me "You know what you want to do and you know what you have to do. Now you have to decide."

And with that being said I think to myself, "Shit, I was almost happy again."

It's pretty okay.

So it's been an interesting week or so.

Thanksgiving was a ton of fun. My sister and I baked pies at 5 in the morning while drinking wine (to sustain her buzz that she still had from Wednesday). After our first rounds of dinner due to the divorced parents, we were outside talking just the two of us. She looked at me and smiled.

Sister: "You're so happy."

MG: "Yeah, not much to not be thankful for these days."

Sister: "It's not that MG. You're seeing RS, aren't you?"

MG: "What? No."

Sister: "Yes you are. If you're not dating, you're sleeping together."

MG: "Are you serious? What would make you think that?"

Sister: "Because I can tell. You two need to get over the ex, you're supposed to be with each other."

MG: "It's nice to hear, but it isn't going to happen."

To be continued! Work day is over!

late night chat.

So tonight i went out with cocktails with #1 to do the pre-thanksgiving celebratory dance. His friend, also an old roommate from when we were together, was there and it turns out we were left at the bar together.

That's when he informs me that he's surprised I still hang out with #1, and I ask why. Big mistake. "No offense, never thought highly of you. I mean I do now, you're beautiful and accomplished."

Ouch. Dagger to the heart. #1 denies nothing, I tell his friend, "well, we obviously have two sides to a story."

Nervous.

I'm incredibly nervous these days. I love my job, but they've just capped me at sales due to our impending move. Then my boss tells me that I'm in a negotiating position, if they lose me - the business fails. I would never negotiate, but it still makes me nervous. One of our instructors left and with out being able to give people dates for classes or even a for sure head nod that the class can happen, I'm screwed. A nervous wreck. I need to hit my 7% cap to make rent. I was almost a grown up. Crap.

Then there's the whole social life. Wow, I can't imagine the mess I'd be in if I ever actually took off my pants (well, except for RS).

Here's an indepth update ...

CW: F*ck CW. Dumb 36 year old a**. Read yesterday's post for more - won't even bother wasting my time to reiterate. F*cker.

CB: Told me he felt distant. I told him it wasn't a feeling. I put 5 months into something that isn't working, it was time to move on. That didn't go well. Plus I did it on email - I was "that" girl. Guess I had Sunday coming to me due to karma. He told me he'd try harder, I told him my patience had wained. The truth is I'm not even attracted to him anymore (I didn't say that though)

BG: Still friends, really trying not to give an opposite reaction.

RS: Unfortunately I'm getting too attached and struggling hardcore with seperation of sex and feelings. I'm not sure his stance and too afraid to ask. I'd rather have sex then nothing.

JF: Is getting right up there with #1 and our friendship, in fact #1 seems a bit threatened of his position. I love them both, I'm a lucky girl.

I compare them to you.

I spent Saturday in Cedar Rapids visiting a friend. You can’t believe how amazing and strong both her and her daughter are for dealing with something so huge. I left early, had a date with CW at 1:00. At 8:00am, I headed back to Wisconsin.

At 10:30 I finally ended up in Beloit and stopped to get gas. My phone rang. It was CW. I was pumping, so I didn’t answer. He left a voicemail…

“Hey MG, it’s CW. Listen, I can’t see you this afternoon. In fact I can’t see or talk to you again. I don’t have a girlfriend like last time, I don’t know. It’s just hard to explain. Have a great life.”

I listened as I paid. I was angry. I wanted to drink or cry. I couldn’t tell which. The truth is, I don’t cry – so I wanted to drink to cry. Part of me was bent on fate, how could we keep bumping into each other? The universe throwing us in each other’s arms. How could that mean nothing? I called back.

“CW. We are both adults here. It’s been five years. I’m not asking to be your girlfriend, I was asking to be your friend. I missed being around you. But I guess some things never change. You have my number if you ever want to use it.”

I called E. She was busy. I called JF. He listened, “You’re too good.” I know I am. “Are you okay?” Of course I am. “MG, stop being strong. I know you are, you don’t have to be with me.”

I spilled, I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at me for believing I was worth something to someone. For buying into the “I loved you” mania. For holding my breath to have it taken away. I was mad for yearning for something that wasn’t good to begin with. I was mad because that guy, that asshole that left me the voicemail, I compared every guy to him. And no guy matched up. To that. What scum have I been dating?

I went to the game with E’s boyfriend, he was there. I was pissed. We had to see the game there because he’s a Bears fan and it was on digital cable. I hid in the backroom.

I went home and finally took the bath that I promised myself I would. I sat in the bubbles and the bath salts and contemplated why I wasn’t good enough. Keith Urban came on my iTunes, Tonight I Want to Cry.

The night before I talked with RS and he had said he’d be in town until late afternoon. I waited for late afternoon, not knowing when that would be. 7:00 was night, so it must be 5:00? It came and went. 6:00? Came and went.

I paced. I lit candles and laid in my unmade bed and I couldn’t take the built up emotion. I cried. Just a little. Frustrated with myself, it was 7:00. I put on clothes and started to head outside. Still angry, I text messaged RS to see if he was coming.

He drove completely out of his way and showed up. We kissed, forever. I didn’t think of anything but his hands on my neck, back, etc. It felt so good. We didn’t have sex right away like normally. We just sat there with each other, enjoying the teasing and the foreplay. We had slow sex and fast sex and then I laid in his arms for two hours, naked and he talked. I didn’t say anything.

I wanted to say, “What’s going on here.” But I was afraid he’d say it was just sex and I’d be by myself. I was afraid I’d lose him forever. He left just a few minutes ago, I walked him out to his car, his arm was on my back. We kissed for awhile. Dirty little secret exposed to the moon.

I walked back inside. I’m not sure how long I can hold out this charade of hard-ass girl looking for sex.

In many ways I’m angry at CW for being that guy, but as I said goodbye I was actually glad he was. After all, RS is just like him – except kinder. Gentler. Here now. That comparison I was glad for.

Crazy Pre-Weekend Post

This has been the week from hell.

I'm planning this major fundraiser and hoping to GOD people actually start signing up. It's nerve racking!

Broke up with CB, never heard from CW, and kissed JF.

Now I'm off to Iowa!

In 15 Minutes

I'm going to the doctor in 15 minutes to finally figure out what's wrong with my body. Why I can't eat meat anymore, why I can't eat anything for that matter, with out getting sick. Last time I was there, it just didn't make sense. Working out non-stop, eating a vegan diet, getting as sick as I was and putting on weight. Finally the doctor said it was time to address the issues. So today I'm doing blood tests.

The funny thing is that today will be a deciding day. The doctor is the only one I've admitted to that I'm struggling with the thought of anorexia again. The good news is I haven't thought about bulimia, both of which I've suffered in the past. I'm almost afraid that the results will come back that nothing is wrong and then I'll go back to old habits. It's funny that I've been through all the counseling and I see the warning signs, but just can't help to think that I'll just skip breakfast and run that extra mile, or I'll just have a glass of water for lunch. I'm trying so hard to be healthy, but it's so hard to see myself in old pictures and not want to return that way.

10:00 on Sunday and the clock is still ticking.

I moved a lot this morning, nearly all of my belongings pegged between two rooms, scattered on the ground or in plastic containers. I needed something to keep me busy while I waited for the game to attend. The game did end, and I didn’t get a call. Around 6:00 a co-worker called, he needed some items for Monday. To pass time I offered to do them for him and I went into work.

At 7:00 I flipped the phone between my fingers. I called. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did, Hey it’s 7:00 – wanted to see if you still wanted to go out. Call me.

Then I went to #1s with McDonald’s in my hand and patiently waited for a phone call. I laid in bed with #1 and he played with my hair. I talked about yesterday and how much fun it was to be with RS. He laughed and said the line that I always give him about his FB, “You’re going to get married and have babies and live happily ever after.” I sighed. He asked why. Because that would be great if we did.

As we talked I asked if I could tell him something. What? I got stood up. With CB? Oh geez, no (I’m from Wisconsin, we say oh geez). From CW.

He rolled his eyes at me. He told me he was glad because the old MG from 5 years ago would take it with a grain of salt but that person is gone and now he has no chance. It’s better this way he says.

And the truth is he’s right. Part of me wanted to call a few minutes ago and leave a voicemail saying that we’re even. But the truth is, we aren’t.

In all the lovey-doveyness and, by all means the second round was my fault, me getting freaked out way under plays the topic of him having a finacee the first round and not tell me. Or the girl calling me a dirty whore. Or the phone call he followed up with telling me to leave him alone. No, he still should be on the shit list and this has just compiled it.

If he calls tomorrow, I’m going to explain that I’m not 21 anymore. I don’t play these games. And then I’m going to tell him it was great seeing him and I wish him the best.

So God helps us make decisions through actions. I won’t regret leaving him anymore or look at construction sites to see if he’s there. I won’t wonder if he thinks about me. No. I now know that the me I am now is better than him and he’s still his old self.

Now to just let down CB. We went out on Friday and still nothing. This time I didn’t even pretend. I don’t have the energy to fake a relationship. He kept asking if he was taking too much time – and now I have to tell him that he did. I think he’s sweet and cute and great to be around, but I think he’s that person romantically for someone else. I thought I was clear on what I needed and he couldn’t give it to me. Next time, don’t take so long.

It’s that time of year. The time of year where relationships are out there to be had, but none are in my lap.

Decisions to make.

I saw RS this morning. He offered to come down last night, but it was snowing and my house still lacks anything besides a bed, so I said no.

I’m not sure why he makes me smile like he does. At some point in the near future I will have to have the “grown up” conversation, Is this just sex? Though I shamelessly hold out to see what might happen with CW.

What a weird sense of fate. The two people that I’ve wanted to be with in the past few years I have an opportunity to “be with” in one sense or another.

CW is actually the one who set the standard for RS. Both are manly, yet shy. Balding, tattooed. It’s been so long since I’ve been with CW that I actually can’t remember what it’s like to feel him next to me, or inside me, or just have a relationship with. I think it was good, why would I hold out feelings this long if it wasn’t? RS though, RS and I just share something. He can fuck me bloody, then lay and trace the phoenix on my back and talk about servers and I am completely content. And it’s been over 3 months of sex.

3 months. Wow. That’s awhile for an FB establishment I must admit. I wonder how someone can go that long and not have an inclining of any feelings? Granted, I push mine away so I can have this relationship, is he doing the same?

Tomorrow CW and I are going out. I’m wondering what that will be like? Like old friends? Old lovers? He’s been the reason for so many things in my life, can we just catch up and pretend there wasn’t 5 years of silence? And what if he just uses me? Will I be able to recover with out copiously trying to find a replacement? I often wonder what I will say tomorrow? So what’s new? I’m happy now, I haven’t been for a very long time and now the pieces fall into place. The last two years I’ve realized I don’t need a man to make my life function, but have also taught me that I want one.

I got a new job, I’ll say. I love it. I graduated from college. I have to degrees, I’ll brag. I’m doing well for myself, not well enough that I can spend money left and right, but well enough to live happily off what I make. My cat is great. My family is wonderful, but stressed because I never see them. My grandma wonders why I haven’t settled because my cousin is married and now pregnant. I tell them I’m just waiting.

It’s been 5 years, he’ll say. And I’ll say that I know, it’s been too long. And then we won’t talk. We’ll look at each other and I’ll want to take him home, sleep in his muscular arms. And think if I’m making the right choice.

I’m not psychic, but then I’ll go back to Madison to be with RS and I’ll lay in his arms and look for the comfort, feel out the future. And then I might have to have the grown up conversation.

With him I’ll ask, is this just sex. And he won’t know what to say. Because I know him, and I know part of him likes being with me, and the sane part knows that he shouldn’t. He’ll ask why, now? And I’ll say that I love being around him, but I want to make sure we’re both healthy in our decisions. If we are FB’s we have to establish that, and I miss being with someone in public. And he’ll say he can’t. And then we won’t talk. And a part of my heart will shatter as I wonder if I just cast something great back into the lake.

Then I’ll remember that something great isn’t an FB. But part of me will want to take it all back, because those once a week ventures are thrilling. To be with someone in that fashion that you’ve wanted to be with so long. I’ll miss how he kisses, how he touches, how he smells. How he traces the phoenix. And if things happen with CW, I’ll go back and see if that touching makes me as happy.

And either decision I make, or what happens, I’ll always wonder if it was the right one. And I’ll never know for sure, because that’s the nature of decisions.

To Each His Own

I full heartedly admit that any innocent bystander of my night tonight would assume I was drunk or stoned.

After family pictures, I headed out to #1’s to drop off a piece of artwork he bought – that was at 7:00, it’s nearly 9:15 and I just got home. I laid on his couch and he laid on the floor and we had our normal banter of cracking each other up amongst serious conversation.

I tell #1 everything, that includes that he knows the background with CW (short side note – I was with CW before the first go around with #1 and admitted I needed to get tested because we had had unprotected sex and I found out later he had been with over 100 girls), so I admitted to the Champps incident and told him that I really hoped he called. #1 hates this guy, not only for the above reason but because he knows that I really liked him when we were seeing each other and he (#1) had to deal with the pieces of a shattered ego from it. He cautioned me that I had to do what I had to do – but that he wasn’t a backer.

Doesn’t matter much because CW didn’t return my call from his original call anyway.

I digress, we discussed our current love situations and how the multiple people in our lives constitute one great person – just they aren’t together. BG is attentive, CB is sweet, RS is a great fuck and #1 is the perfect companion. He has a 20 year old love interest that is hot, hot, hot. The age difference kills it for him and he has said if they ever got together they would just (and this is a legitimate quote) “Have monkey sex for 3 months and be done with it.” One of my committee members is also an interest for him because she’s adorable, he said she’s the kind of girl you just want to cuddle with all weekend long, and then there’s me that he can just lay and shoot the shit with. The combined packages are phenomenal people – we just have to find them. Interesting, no?

As for the move – I’m still in boxes and 1/2 my stuff is still at my dad’s. I brought the bumpkin over last night to get associated with the place, he cried all night. Finally about 5am he settled under my covers, something he hasn’t done since Moo left, hugged tight to my leg. He stayed there until I showered and promptly returned when he saw me packing my bag. I came home around 4:45 (LOVE THIS COMMUTE!) and he was still there, I’m not sure he left all day. He’s also a horse and hasn’t touched his food.

He’s not your typical cat, even my dad thinks he’s more of a dog. He comes when called, plays fetch and even walks on a harness (not well – but he does it). He doesn’t ever cry, so when he is vocal I know he’s perturbed. This is a huge adjustment for him, he always had Moo and when she was gone there was always someone in the house – either my sister with her kids from her daycare next door or my dad or me. Now it’s just me and I’m not home that much. I feel like a bad cat mom L.

Other than that, I did put my bed together but I realized my internet connection isn’t the best – looks like I’ll have to cough up that $60 some a month – yikes. At least my gym membership is done after this month.

I still have no TV, so there’s not much to do these nights except sleep. Hopefully when the alarm goes off tomorrow morning I’ll actually get out of bed and run like I’m supposed to.

In a quick boy update news:

CW: Didn’t return my call.
#1 and I hung out tonight
BG and I have been chatting over email – but nothing major
CB tried to hang out all weekend but I blew him off for the move
RS and I slept together Friday, I tried to do it again on Sunday but he never returned my text.

To each his own.

The Ex-Factor

I’m not sure why I do this, but I make little propositions to myself to help me make “educated” decisions. For instance, “If Construction Worker (see this post: ) is at the bar for the game I’ll give up on CB.” I do it to justify not giving up on CB; however, sometimes my little propositions go south.

E & her man were running late, so I scrapped plans to head west to the Brookfield Champps. When they called 1/2 hour before the game I propositioned Greenfield Champps instead since I could make it there for a seat with in 10 minutes. “Sure” E said, “We’ll see you in 30 minutes.”

That’s when I made the above proposition, just for shits and giggles because I obviously haven’t seen CW in years. I walked into the bar, looked directly to the end to survey just in case they were there, and boom. Yellow hat, tanned skin.

Of course E ends up being an hour late and I’m tapping my foot at the bar. I forgot my phone – there’s no solace. He’ll talk to me, I want talk to him. I toyed with my fake engagement ring and pounded Bud Lights. They finally showed.

“You sit here. I’ve gotta pee, you come with me.” I grabbed E and headed to the bathroom, “Remember that guy that I say I drive slow past construction sites for?” She looked at me like a deer in headlights, “He’s here?” “He’s here.”

For a moment we toyed with the idea of me talking to him but I said no, did two shots and watched the rest of the game. As fate would have it, I walked to the bathroom as he walked out. We actually bumped into each other.

“MG? Oh my god, I was just thinking about you last week.”

“CW, yeah. It’s me. You look, you look really good.”

“MG, seriously – I can’t believe it’s you. You were the f*cking love of my life and you dogged me so bad.”

“I know. But, yeah – I’ve thought about you a lot. You’re my epitome.”

We chatted about life. “Are you single?” I asked. “Yes.”

“We should go out.” I said, he replied, “tomorrow. Let’s go out tomorrow.”

Because I was drinking I stopped and said no. I didn’t want to go out if there wasn’t a connection, so I kissed him. Connection.

A bit of honesty

I might delete this post, as I'm sure I'll try to convince myself I am wrong.

I slept with RS last night. It was great - we talked a lot. He threw in a little jests about ex-girlfriends, etc and it weirded me out. I wasn't really sure what I thought until this morning.

And I've alluded to this fact a couple of times, but I'm completely in love with RS. I have been for 4 years. I've seperated myself enough that I'm not the psycho girl that's pawing at him for a relationship, but if I'm honest with myself I know that I want to be with him.

And CB is a lot like RS was when we met, and I think that's why I'm dealing with all these crappy situations because I want CB to be RS.

The fact is that CB is not RS and RS and I will never be. This sucks.

I want to be in Iowa right now! :(

Exit Stage Right.

Out of the friends that I have that have met CB, there was one still hanging on - JF. Last night JF, my friend M, CB and I went out for a drink at one of the local bars by my house (my new house, that I move into THIS weekend! Eeeee! Exciting!) and enjoyed a couple adult beverages.

When it came down to conversation, CB didn't participate. In fact, he didn't seem comfortable at all. I cozied up, he stayed straight in his chair with his arms crossed. This morning I found out the last remaining bandwagoner has fallen off.

I got this tidbit of advice ...

I think you should probably move on. I hope you don't mind my two cents here, but you two are on opposite sides of the universe when it comes to what you want, physically, in a relationship. As we've discussed at length, that is very important. Again, there's really nothing wrong with being the way he is, it's just not what you want. I'm sure he is perfect for someone out there, hell many girls out there, but certainly not you. It does suck, because he is a really nice guy and he isn't shitty to you, but I think you would be consistently frustrated with him if this continues and, really, is that worth it?

I've stayed out of the Pro-CB spotlight and JF's right, it's not worth it. Because he doesn't make me feel wanted, I seek it in other places. Now I realize I'm justifying seemingly cheating ways on fabrication; however, let me reiterate that we actually aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, haven't done more than kiss, so I have definitely NOT cheated. And back to what I was saying, I obviously won't be faithful in a relationship if I don't get that, so it's better to cut ties now.

In the past I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" people and making a relationship last, and I've hung on because I put that time in and don't want to see my "project" fail - but it's time for a new leaf. He's guarded his heart too long and the horse is sick of chasing the carrot.

i've opted to go to Madison to get man-handled after work, straight up F*cked. I'm wearing my pink fuck me boots and my jacket - that's it. I have his college's sweatshirt to put on afterwards for round two. I'm so incredibly excited to feel his body on mine, feel his hands on my neck, feel him inside. Wow, 2:00 can't come fast enough - or cum, I guess I should say.

In moving news, this is it! This is the weekend! I've slowly been moving things over every day. This morning was the last long ride to work. I plan on going to Madison, fucking, coming home, packing and Saturday unpacking at the new place. I bought a beautiful, huge, work of art on gallery night that's starch black and white of a girl smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee to go above my couch - if I had a couch ...

One of those little times ...

I'm not an in your face political person but I do have to make one small comment in the light of elections.

Let me preface by saying I don't want any comments about what I'm about to type saying I'm anti-Bush or what not. I'm just bringing up something I heard this morning that ticked me off.

Bush was talking about stem cell research and said something to the effect of one life should not be given to save others. If I was stuck in an elevator with Bush this is the thing I would say to him before I got off ...

If no life should be given to save others, why are we in Iraq? Embryonic cells may be innocent potential lives, but what are you doing with innocent, real, lives of our men and women?

And then I would walk out and let him ponder that thought.

I Want to Scream.

I am so irritated right now. Why speak when no one listens to what you have to say? What is the point of being a member of all these damn clubs and asked to sit it, but asked not to give your opinion. I want to yell obsenities and quit it all at this point.

And I REALLY hate the "What can you do for me?" people when they don't do a damn thing for you. F-You buddy. F-You.

And just to further my anger right now, I'm going to type obsentities below. If it offends you - don't read.

FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
YOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
THAT'SRIGHTFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!

That time of year?

So I have to do a double post based on the events in the last 2 hours. I spoke with JF and #1, both of them said the same things, "It's just this time of year that makes me want to settle down ... why can't I find that person to do this with?"

Is it "That Time of Year?" Wisconsin winters are cold - is it that warmth of a body next to you? Is it the events? What is it that makes people give mixed signals?

I've had anxiety about "this time of year" - not because of holidays or the cold, but because I tend to get in long term relationships in the month of October. I have hesitated, potentially devestating current relationships just because I didn't want a pattern. Was it not the guy, but perhaps their need for "This Time of Year?"

Time to just be friends.

I say that now, I know. But I think it might be that time.

I finally got the call that I can move to my new place and it came to me that maybe it's time to just change everything. I spoke with a friend of mine over the whole situation and she said this.

"It's obvious that you're emotionally connected. But you're a sexual person. You emminate it. When people look at you they see a fun, loving, sexual person. Why change who you are because you're emotionally involved with someone who is not that type of person."

I have said this and typed this numerous times. I need little things, I take that back. I have to have the little things. I'm too old to just settle for irritation. I need someone who looks at me like I happen to be the most gorgeous person in the world. I need stolen kisses. When its cold, I want that person that stands behind you to keep you warm. I want hands on my neck when we kiss because it's passion and infactuation. I want a returned f*cking email or text or phone call.

I have spent 4 months trying to get what I have to have. We've made little steps, he tells me I look nice, he even snuck a kiss to me at the bar. I need what I have in Madison, but I need it here in Milwaukee and I don't need it with RS.

For godsake - seriously, is this too much to ask? Am I being "a girl" about this situation. If I am, screw you - I have breasts ... damnit! Touch them!!

The Consequences of Emotion Over Physical

I've boiled down my current situation to go against my nature, per say.

With CB I've done a complete 180. I don't date tall guys, or young guys, or educated guys, or non tattoo-ed, non-pierced guys, and I definitely don't date cute guys. And here I am seeing a 23 year old, good looking, college educated, house owning, 6 foot something guy that has "thought" about a tattoo but would never actually do it. I've also looked for physical relationships first over emotional ones. Once again, I am now emotionally involved with no physical relationship and it's driving me insane. So that's my current issue, I'm still trying to figure out his.

I've been good this past week. I've only been with him. I was hoping that it was my closed sense that worked against me, but if I dedicated myself to him that the physical would come. This weekend was his brother's birthday and he invited me out.

This is HUGE in the sense of any relationship - I mean #1 and I have been friends for 5 some years and he's never met my siblings. I think it was a game, even though I'm told guys don't play those games, I'm pretty sure it was. What would his brothers think of me? If I got their approval perhaps I'd get his.

I played DD all night, still trying to get over my ear infection. They got annihilated. Both CB and his older brother encouraged me to kiss the younger brother all night. I'm hoping that was a game as well. Normally, I would do it - I have no issues kissing anyone at any point, especially with my new found confidence from JF that I'm a great kisser but all I could think of was CB and that no girl who makes out with 2 brothers is ever going to have a chance - so I abstained.

The booze flew all night as I sipped on water or the occassional Bud Light, and after a couple bars CB looked at me and said, "You look really good tonight." And after a couple more bars and his brothers in other places (bathroom and the bar), he even snuck a kiss. I was thinking the night was going to be worth it. Then came the encouragement of kissing his brother and I got confused.

They continued drinking and the little bro wasn't looking too hot, so I provided water to avoid the puking in my car. When the clocks chimed 2:15am, we called it a night. I dropped the boys back off, they wrestled in the street and CB and I walked inside the lobby of his building. We sat and chatted, then kissed and then heard a loud slamming sound.

I jumped since the car wasn't mine that night, it was in fact my dad's and to our amazement, the brothers were MIA. CB went into brother mode and ran outside, stood by the car and I rushed to his side, "What?"

In the middle of the road they continued their wrestling until one of them was 1/2 naked and CB pulled them apart. We hugged and he encouraged me to go home.

Today I recounted the story to JF and my sexual frustration. We've had the sex conversation, we've had the time to get to know eachother, I have even met his brothers, he wants me to meet the parents in 2 weeks. How can I do all of this and be "that girl" when I know if there is no sexual connection there can't be a relationship? His kissing is still horrible, how much can I hope for?

So JF and I hung out today and I delivered to him how I was going to jump CB next time I saw him - delivered in the sense of acted out for practice. I was on top of his lap kissing him and about to remove my top, when my phone rang - CB. We chatted as JF kissed my neck. I hung up, took off my top and took off his pants.

"Are we going to have sex?"

I looked at him and couldn't believe what came out of my mouth (after I removed him from it) - "That would be cheating - not technically because I'm not his girlfriend, but I like him." He came moments later.

Obviously, I'm confused.

Hump Day

Wednesday is Hump Day because you're at the top of the week and it all comes sliding down.

Speaking of sliding down, my checking account is slowly deteriorating before my eyes as I woke up at 3am with the right side of my head throbbing. Turns out that muffled sound in my head wasn't just a cold, it was a double ear infection. Now I know why kids pull at their ears when they have them. They hurt.

It all started this morning, here I don't have to be in until 11:30 and I woke in tears. I desperately tried to hot compress my right ear until the doctor's office opened at 8am, drifting in and out of sleep through the pain. I had an oil change at 10:00 and a tire rotation to prep my car for my dad taking it home to Nebraska. At 9 I stopped at the store to pick up new windshield wiper blades, an air freshner and a new scraper (since windows are already frosting here), paid the bill and called my sister to let her know that she couldn't cash the check I gave her because I now needed my last $25.00 to pay a co-pay with the doctor. She said that it was fine and I headed to the dealership for my car work.

I go to sign in and my normal guy is busy so I get the new service manager. She recommends an engine flush, but I turn it down telling her that my dad can pay for it after this weekend when he puts the next 3,000 miles on my car. I went into the waiting room, worked a bit and she came out to tell me that my brakes were shot. It would be $500 but she talked with my guy and he said to mark them down to $250. I told her it was absolutely not in my budget, she told me that my car absolutely could not go 3,000 miles on those brakes.

I sighed. I only had $25 in my account and, while getting paid Friday, I didn't (a) have the time to wait and (b) have the funds even then when I got paid due to the new nuiscance of a double rent payment. I called my dad, told him that I expected to pay for the tire rotation, but not the brakes - was I even getting a good deal? He said yes, and he'd pay for them since I set everything up for him. I still had my appointment at 11:30, left and came back at 3:15. My car was finally done about 5:30, I filled my prescription and called it a day.

Hopefully my ears will start to feel better tomorrow.

I finished cleaning out the car for dad. Gave him my regular cell phone for calls in Nebraska. Filled the cup holder with silver coins for tolls. I informed him of the lights, the windshield controls and opened the center counsel - just in case he needs them, there's condoms and asprin. He looked wide eyed and chuckled.

In other hopeful hump news, CB has asked me out with his two brothers on Friday - meeting the family? The brothers are the first step, and we haven't even humped yet. I'm thinking there needs to be some sexual aggression prior to their arrival. I've devised a plan.

The plan will break down like this. I'm wearing a cute skirt on Friday, I'll go to his house before they arrive. He'll meet me at the door, I'll ask how golf was and work and then I'll ask him to sit on the couch. Then I'll crawl on top of him.

I'll tell him that I don't want him to do anything, he's had a hard week and needs to relax. I'll tell him to just sit there and tell me what he likes. Then I'll kiss him on the lips. Then on the neck. Then again on the lips. And I'll mention that I hope he likes it.

I'll swing around the back and rub his shoulders because it'll be a long night and then I'll hug him.

If there's no passion in those steps, there's no use in even thinking about humping.

Truth in Lyrics

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
- The Wreckers

Another quick realization

This blog is supposed to be humorous, which I think at times it is, confusing - definitely, sex - see last couple of posts, and about martinis - someone pour me a damn cocktail! Emphasis on the COCK! LOL.

Clarification in a male with no sex

JF and I went out tonight, he's schmoozing the ladies and getting pretty serious so of course there was no action; especially since he's the biggest supporter of CB.

I admitted to my affair because I knew I'd get an honest answer. He said that there was no "affair" up until this point and no need to feel guilty over my actions - unless they happen again.

He was in the same position as CB at his age and he said that in all honesty, it's scary to be that way. Everything is a new encounter and you're afraid because you need to have the experience supposedly and you don't. Which makes sense.

I'm a little put off due to the fact that I emailed CB & called him tonight, but got a reply to nothing. And I'm horney as all hell. I guess that's what it came down too.

As always, JF and I had intellectual conversation and we're both in the same position of questioning monogamy at this point. We chuckled at the thought of living close by eachother and just having sex occassionally if this doesn't work out. It's a great thought, but I'm sure it won't happen - he's too nice & too hot to be single for long and there is that fact that I think I actually want this to work with CB - besides being called Christina.

On a sidebar, something to ponder, would be is this still "Single in the City" or singleinmilwaukee.blogspot.com if I'm not single? Hmmm.

And then there's the point that JF brought up - am I single? That's what mine & CB's myspace says but am I emotionally involved?

It's been so long I don't even know anymore ...

Envy

"Many people would be envious of your position right now" my cousin says to me over email as I recount the misconstrued adventures of single life.

Envy is an evil word. We've all been it at a time and we've all been the counter to it. What is envy? The want to have something someone else has with out consideration of what it really is.

I have been the girl that envied people in my current situation, I have also been this girl before in which my friends recap to me that they are jealous and envious to have multiple people after me at the same time. It might seem selfish and misconstrued, but this is nothing to be envious of.

Most people have enough problems dealing with one person, but here I am trying to juggle a decision based on three. When it comes to one you deal with yes or no without having a back up option, here I have to deal with three people that each give me a point that I need, but none have all three points.

RS - sweet, dear RS. I have the unbelievable sexual attraction to but I'm a dirty secret. Our relationship will never be more than lust.

BG - I have the undying friendship, the palm of my hand character where he does what I say at the drop of the hat - but no sexual want or desire to want. #1 points out that this is due to the fact that there's no chase, which could be true.

and CB - I thought I had a sexual attraction to, but due to the chase it's wavered and due to his current position of a card holding member of the V-Club, the chase seems even more off. Now I have to consider things like his last relationship was 6 years ago and they didn't even have a physical relationship - what if we end up having one and it ends up not being right? What will that due to him? Is this a game I even want to play? But then again I've never relaxed enough with anyone else and what if this was it?

I am envious of the girl with one choice, one person that fits or doesn't and the decision to stay or go. Here I want to keep all three to get everything I need in a selfish way that keeps 2 of the 3 hearts open. I'm playing an unfair game all for myself. Talk about being selfish.

So I'm in Madison today and I pray to God to help me make this selfish decision. I've opened myself to the idea of a relationship with CB, yet my needs aren't getting fulfilled and my gut puts up that big red stop sign. And I'm in Madison and all I think about is Armani and how I want to smell that all over me once again. Can I stop this affair if I commit myself to a relationship that seemingly goes no where? I'm trying to concentrate on work, but every time I close my eyes I feel his hand on my throat, the pulling of my hair, the way it feels to cum like that. His hot breath in my ear, the look on his face when he cums and it's all purely physical but I want it, I want it right now.

So I text, "Lunch?" And he says, "When?" As I type a response I tell myself that if it doesn't work today, I'll let it go and pursue CB, "1:30" I respond, he says "Today? I can't - this week isn't good" and I try to convince myself that this is the answer.

So I email CB that I'm busy this week, but not tonight and tomorrow. Maybe we could watch Heroes at his house tonight as I secretly plan to enact what I dreamed about this weekend.

Then I text back to RS, "Balls in your court - figuratively & literally" to which he responds to let him know when I'm in town again, I respond "Not sure with moving next week, evenings are lax - willing to drive if you're willing to make me cum." He responds in moments, "Sweet! Will do my best as always." I respond that my pink jacket and boots are in the car.

And I wait, praying that CB will answer the email and I'll be at his house at 7. I'll walk in and just jump him, see if passion exists and if it doesn't, then I'll let go and check one off of the list.

Dreams

I'm not sure what triggered it. The rose perhaps? The conversation on Saturday night with my boss in which I told her I struggle with the idea of a relationship with CB because I don't know if I have feelings? She tells me it's obvious I do since I put up with all this bull shit with out getting laid.

But exhausted and home at 2:30am on Saturday (sober I might add), I slip on my pajamas - a not sexy pair of flannel pants and an Old Navy pull over and I snuggle in with my teddy bear and head off to dreamland.

In my dream it's Monday and I've worked all day in Madison. My TV is still out but I really want to see Heroes (I'm beyond addicted - that's reality). I've arranged to meet CB at his place at 7, the show starts at 8. I'm wearing black heeled boots, the ones that make me feel sexy. He buzz's me up. I wait in his door, he answers and asks how my weekend was. I grab him by his shirt, sit him down on the couch and jump on top. I tell him that I know he had a long day and to not do anything, sit back.

I kiss him and it's terrible. I tell him not to do anything, just let me kiss him. It's wonderful. I place his hand on my back and I kiss him deeply. My hand glides to his side and I touch my cold hand on his warm stomach.

And then I wake up.

It dawns on me that the way this relationship goes, I have to tell and do out right what I want - no games. So maybe this is my way in (or his way in - depending on how you look at it).

Happy Sweetest Day ...

he said, and then he called me Christina.

The Smell of Armani on Skin

So I spent Friday, Saturday and Monday with CB. On Friday I decided to choose him, on Saturday I decided to tell him that what I needed to make this work and let him know that I was willing to choose him, on Monday I waited for the results.

So what do I need to make it work? It's completely cliche - but the little things. The arm around me at the game, the look, the emails. I've been the dirty secret too many times and I refuse to be it again. I admit this history makes me not realize good things when I have them, but I also firmly believe that these little things will be the things that matter.

Monday I questioned what I wanted, how I have been behaving and in all honesty - I can't find a reason to why I would want things to change. I contemplated this all the way to our Madison office. Why do I suddenly have this want for a boyfriend? Yes, it's the holiday season and I'm in a lot of organizations which means a lot of parties I need a date for. Yes, it would be nice to not drive over an hour just to get some one-on-one time. But those are the only two things that I could justify and #1 is my arm candy and RS is my booty call.

On the way to deliver apples there was some text banter with RS and before responding I would think to myself, this is wrong - you've made your decision.

On the way home I thought about it more as I dropped a co-worker off. I turned around to get clarification.

It was the same repetitive nature that I have repeated for the last two months. Small talk as I removed my boots, the look out of the corner of my eye when I caught just the way he looked in that button down shirt and baseball hat. That tender look and expectation as we tried to figure out where we fit. Then he grabs me and puts me against the cold wall and his hands are on my neck and our lips are touching. My hand glides down his shirt as we're engulfed in pssionate kissing and we head to the bedroom.

I get undressed, "Am I being presumptuatious?" No he says. His hands are on my sides, his mouth on my breasts and I lean back to think to myself how nice it is to feel sexy and wanted. To feel strong hands on my skin. Rough hands. Warm hands. He knows how to make me crumble.

At the moment that he was standing and I was on the bed as he glided in and out I felt my legs spasam and he stopped, I looked and yelled "No!" He smiled and said he was sorry, my back arched and warmth invaded my chest. I climbed on top of him.

Getting my legs backed my warm breath echoed in his ear, "tell me how to make you cum." And five minutes later he did.

We laid naked for 15 minutes, touching and talking about how it's almost snowing and that means skiing and boarding. We talked about work and the surgeries I had gone under and the ones he was getting. I touched his shoulder and asked how it was feeling. It felt strange to know so much about someone and to be so intimate with them, but still be so distant from any sort of real relationship. His phone rang, he had to go back to work. He kissed me sweetly and we got dressed. Before he put his shirt on I rested my head on his shoulder and glanced at this tattooed arm, I kissed him and said thank you. As I pulled away I smelt his cologne, the sweet smell of Armani Black.

He washed the smell of sex off his body as he prepared to work as we joked and kissed. He wrapped my scarf around my neck and we left. I drove home thinking about what had just happened, telling myself that this is what I want - this is my life - this is what makes sense. Am I his dirty little secret? Yes. But I know it can't be more which some how makes my actions okay.

I was exhausted when my car pulled into the drive. It was windy and I could smell his cologne on my skin and scarf. I stood outside for just a minute longer and closed my eyes remembering what it was like to feel the way I did. I smiled.

I took a warm shower before bed to rest my aching body. The steam of the shower rolled his smell of my skin. The washer rolled the smell out of my clothes. Just like that, no one will know. But when I smell Armani, I smile.

When I woke up at 6am, I took another shower - just to be sure that my night's affair was hidden from anyone's expectations. I went to work. On the way contemplating my judgements last night, but having no regret. While it was nice to think that I could be wanted by someone and have someone, it was better to be realistic and happy with how I am now.

I had a meeting at 7:30 at the coffee shop in CB's building. I sat in the cozy chair and sipped my soda speaking with my students and their other mentor. A knock on the window, a smile on his face and I went from certainity that I had made a right decision to the feeling that for once I was getting cheated on - maybe I had just cheated. My heart fell a bit. I justified it to myself, we aren't in a relationship - even our myspaces both say we're single. I didn't cheat, but I may have cheated myself into thinking that I may be better off.

I have no idea of the next steps. In the ideal world I would continue my affair while justifying my friendships with BG & CB as just that and then one day, RS would look at me and tell me that we should take this seriously. And then I'd work through the guards and let my walls down. But in reality, I protect myself from any kind of stability because I fear it, I've convinced myself it won't happen and I tarnish it when it will.

Friday will tell of the little things, if CB can come through I'll choose him. If he doesn't then I'll be back in his bed on Monday.

Recap for conversation's sake.

So quick recap ...

I had a "grown up" conversation with CB on Saturday. I told him I needed to know what was wrong with me that we've been seeing each other for 4 months and haven't done anything but kiss. I laid it out on the line, I'm a grown woman and I need to have sex.

You can only imagine his reaction. "Umm ... did your car break down?" (It was 1am)

My response, "You need to have some confidence. You need to realize you are hot, have a job, own a house, have a car and are sweet - those are the 5 criteria any woman needs."

A little bantering and persuading led to his explanation of why things haven't progressed, bitter relationships and - oh, there's this whole thing that he hasn't actually done THAT yet.

Talk about feeling like a whore ... but he said that he understood and he wanted to see this thing through, and yes, he'd like to have sex.

Relief! I chose the right guy - right?

Then Monday came with and we all gathered at a friend's house to watch the football game, he joined and didn't touch me. I thought we had this conversation about being with each other and I got a peck on the lips.

Then the phone calls came from the people at the party - are you with him? are you not? Why didn't he touch you? You looked cute? What's his deal? And all the excuses in the book couldn't salvage the answer - did I make the right decision? No.

Yes, he could change and get more comfortable but that's not him and that's not me. I'm instantly comfortable with people, I'm a flirt, I'm a cuddler, I'm an extrovert - he's an introvert and this time the ying and the yang don't compliment.

The true fact is that it's the little things that matter and the cold facts are the little things don't to him.

and breathe ...

After two 11 hour work days, I got to leave a couple hours early today. I met J out, who is now dating SC, and we caught up. I called CB at 2:00 to let him know I was interested in hanging out and then J & I bar hopped until 6.

Around 5:45 I was a bit buzzed & horney and with no word from CB, I toyed with the idea of going to Madison. J told me to hang tight until 6:00 and then go. At 6 we left the bar and I craved some coffee. She went to the bathroom and I paid for my drink, preparing to go to Madison for RS.

Then my phone rang, it was CB asking if I wanted to go by his place or see a movie - I opted for the first and brought a movie with. Nothing much happened but the usual, and I realized being with him makes me relax. We snuggled and when I left, we kissed. Granted, I want to screw him pretty darn bad, but if we're not at that point - I'm willing to wait.

Take 5 for MG

#1 informs me this morning I need to take time for myself and figure somethings out, so here's my take 5.

What makes you happy?
My job and (because of it) my industry.
My friends, because now "I know people" and "I'm kind of a big deal"
Learning to relax, credited to CB who actually makes me do it on the weekends.
The fact that I'm actually going to be a grown up.
Rainy days - but not snowy days.

What doesn't make you happy?
Besides the usual bills?
Not having enough time in the day.
The fact that I'm a bad cat mom because of my schedule.
Not knowing why I either have multiple guys or no guys.
The consistant judging of my body by myself.

If you could change 5 things, what would they be?
My days.
My lack of sane judgement when it comes to my personal life.
My body (or put more time in the day so I can work out)
Letting go (learning how to)
Nothing else. I'm happy.

What can you do to change those 5 things?
Reschedule my time and become organized.
Start making sane decisions, start by making a regular decision.
See above, schedule time to work out.
Remember that the past makes you who you are and who you are will never change, so you might as well let go of the past.

How do you think others see you?
As a fun girl.
As a cute girl.
As a single girl.
As someone that almost has things together.
As a friend that they can talk to at anytime.

What five things would you want right now?
A little more cash in the savings account.
A foot rub.
A TV.
My cat to sleep in bed with me.
A relationship.

Looking back on this list of 5, what have you learned?
If three guys are after me, I can't be that bad looking.
To get over myself.
Spend more time at home.
That what was wrong 6 months ago was my job.
I've learned a lot from CB and I'm not ready to stop.
I need to believe in myself and see myself as others see me.

When I Grow Up...

I'll get a college education.
Check.

I'll get a good job, that I enjoy.
Check.

I'll be able to pay all my bills.
Check.

I'll move out of my dad's house.
Check.

That's right - I'm moving!

Went apartment shopping today and found the cutest place on the planet. I wrote a check and I move in two weeks!

All the things I wish I could say

To CB:

I don't understand why when I'm with you I feel so comfortable, so sexy and so wonderful all at the same time when your actions and your words don't say it for me. It's a poise, a respect, an uncharted area. I find you insatiable, but don't try to over come you with my sexuality. I find your intellegence delightful and your respect of my culture even more so. You understand my schedule, you understand my life. I want to just be with you which is something I haven't honestly said ever in my entire life. I'm trying to damage these feelings due to all sorts of past relationships because they've never gone this way. I've always been a toy, but now I feel like a real person. I'm sorry for sleeping with RS and for kissing BG, it was my defense mechanism to push myself from any sort of feeling. The truth is, I have no want to repeat any action - I just wish you'd say you want me to be with you. Then I'd stop.

To BG:

Our friendship is so amazing. We laugh and we talk about politics, crass sexuality, work and play. I know when you hang out with me you're doing it because you like me as a person and want to know what it would be like for more. The truth is I was out of line when I kissed you, but I did it to see if I was missing something that everyone else kept telling me I was. I think you're great - but I want to just be friends and explore my relationship with CB.

To RS:

I am angry with myself for not being patient for you. I don't know if anything would have came of it, but I believe we would have been happy. Due to your hang ups our relationship goes from passion to flat in just a couple of days. I could never be more than sex to you but I deserve to be. I look back at my mistakes with you and desperately am trying not to repeat them with CB. I love being your friend, the sex is amazing (you have a GREAT cock) but I need to put this on reserve until I figure out who I should be with.

To #1:

I am so glad that everything that has happened between us has happened. The falters we had in our relationship has made our friendship so close. I wouldn't trade you for anything and I hope you feel the same.

To J:

I'm sorry for the blow out a week ago, nothing was really your fault you just got caught in the crossfires. When we went out Friday night I realized I missed you. I'm angry with you at chosing SC over me that night, but I understand how close you are. I'm angry at SC for sleeping with R and putting her health in danger and your heart. No man is worth either. I wish you would look in the mirror and see the beautiful girl that I do and come to realize that you deserve someone who wants to be with just you. You are amazing, I inspire to be as full of character as you.

To my boss:

I am so happy I took my job with you. I wake up in the morning excited to go to work and I leave sad. You have taught me the joys of the industry when I hated it. You've opened my eyes to your creativity and enlightened me in the ways of friendship and business. I owe my life to you, literally, because I was at my end contemplating suicide when you came through with the offer. Now I look back at what I would have missed out on and realize there are people who love and care for me.

To my mom:

I'm sorry I don't spend enough time with you. Looking back, I've always wanted to be you and I like to think that my emotions, my drive and my personality all come from you. I think you are beautiful and wonderful. I'm sorry for my short comings but I'm proud of your support through it. I am truly blessed.

To my dad:

I fully realize that I may never be the person you want me to be but thank you for accepting who I am over the last three months. We've had our ups and downs but I couldn't imagine my life with out you. The scare last year put your meaning into perspective, your acceptance has given me life. I'm sorry that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, have the income you think I deserve or the relationship that would make your heart melt. But I'm proud to say I have your eyes and mouth and your passion. I think you and mom raised a great person.

To my sister:

We've never really gotten along until the past two years. I'm glad we have great stories of our hatred, but I'm even happier that we have moments that show we care. When you found out I might never be able to have kids, you offered to carry them for me because you knew deep down I always wanted them even though I say I don't. The way you care for your friend's daughter after she passed away is amazing. You will always be the parent that I envy when we finally have kids. As for your love life, I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't always there and you deserve someone that is. But when he looks at you he adores you - I think everyone should aim for such passion.

To my older brother:

I've always admired you I just wish you'd admire yourself more. There is no other person with the tolerance you have and I'm sorry your emotions stay bottled up. When I saw you cry last year, I fell apart and I haven't seen you cry since. You seem like a rock when you are really just a teddy bear. It's okay to be a teddy bear.

To my younger brother:

I have always felt the need to protect you since you were small. I fail to realize now that you are 20 that you are an adult and can make decisions. Thank you for chosing us over your biological father. I'm sorry I butted in to that relationship but it was only because I felt the need to protect you from being hurt and I also did it because I didn't want to be hurt. You are 20 now, you need to realize you are a man and change your attitude towards life. People can only take you so far, you need to take yourself further. You are one of the greatest people on earth and you need to start believing it.

These are things I wish I could say but can't for some unknown reason. I would hope that I do at some point, but if not, perhaps each person will bump into this and understand who I really am.

Why don't they have breathalyzers on cell phones?

Seriously. How much stupidity would be stopped if your phone told you that you were too drunk to complete the call. Certain numbers would be "safe" like 911 & taxi services, but could be, would be and were significant others would definitely be on the no call list.

I made an A** out of myself. I was drinking, called CB & ranted about the chick, he told me I was drunk and got irate. I emailed this morning to confirm that I was and I was sorry for being a jerk. Hey, did my part. In true fashion - no return. Did I mention I was out with BG at this time and I may have kissed him ... crap.

Seriously, manufacturers get breathalyzers on phones! PLEASE.

When Screwdrivers don't help

One beer, 3 screws later and I'm on the phone with CB informing him of TG. He doesn't buy it and insinuates I'm drunk/

So I make out with BG.

Which doesn't give me bubbles like CB, so what's a girl to do?

Blogger Beta?

So I upgraded to the Blogger Beta and originally was totally digging it.

You can use the templates and upgrade, so you don't look "run of the mill" and you don't need to know a ton of HTML.

But some of my buddy bloggers haven't upgraded so I can't comment :( So BZ! Awesome job baby! Rock those organizations with your beauty, charm & intellect!

On the drive home

I was thinking to myself - what happened to me? Seriously. The me three years ago was awesome and everytime I feel like I'm almost there, I fall back.

The old me:

Didn't fall in love or want to fall in love
Was dedicated to her job
Was dedicated to working out
Always had numerous friends at any given point going out with her
Had money

Where is that me? And how do I get it back?

Even God thinks Madison is a Bad Idea.

I opted to arrange a meeting in Madison on Thursday at 1:00 for release and clarification. CB hasn't emailed me since my slightly passive aggressive response and TG emailed a decline to my informal meeting, stating that she had to work late by attending a play. Um okay.

I was going about my business as usual and started not feeling entirely well - I ate chicken and blamed it on that. Went to the bathroom and OH. God informed there would be no sex tomorrow in Madison.

I guess signs do come and I won't be at 1:00 ...

It has come to my recent realization ...

that I might be an idiot. And this comes to me over wings and friends.

Recapping the whole "territory" event that occured, I filled in a friend-of-a-friend the back story of BG. All three people commented that I should perhaps skip of the CB and go for BG. If I wanted to "engage in adult behavior" nine months ago, I had to be a tad bit attracted. Now I'm starting to think...

I got home and TG (territory girl) emailed me, she wants to join my committee for the event I discussed in class. Oh, suga, I know this game - remember the drama with R & J, it's kind of what happened there. J befriended R because she was cool & also to keep a close eye on her.

What to do, what to do. Of course, I emailed and told her she is more than welcome to come to our informal event meeting on Thursday. If the other committees want to steal her - they are more than welcome to - but in the meantime I don't know what is going on so I gotta play it cool and see where things go. Lord, what if she brings CB to this thing? I don't think she's THAT good at this game or that he's THAT stupid to realize that I wouldn't be there. We shall see what cards the dealer draws - which, who is the dealer in this game? I guess it's him since he has the control in the pivitol situation, right??

Why I am the best ex-girlfriend.

Seriously, guys - you can screw me over (even while screwing me) and I'll still be the nicest of peeps when they come around again.

#1, if you are a reader, is my best friend and also ex-boyfriend, miserable in his job so I finally swung an interview with him at my place of employment. Also, I've provided him plenty of a** to occupy his time.

An ex from a year ago, who was gay, is now hooked up with another gay friend of mine - they are getting married.

I've encouraged school, I've provided jobs, I've even provided love - when am I going to get mine! Erg.

My, my, my. The Art of Establishing Territory

Call it primitive nature, but there are ways to establish your territory without the hand-in-the-face, that-man-is-mine, head shaking turn and quick spin around.

Why yes. There are ways. And I got to experience that today.

Still maintaining the majority of my goodness, I've stayed in the city. I prepped last night for my speechs today and headed over to the college at 11.

Normal poise, I do my routines - explain what I do now, how I got there, networking, etc then do a little plug at the very end for the new club I'm a member of.

Time was up - plugged the club and the girl in the front row stood up, hands on hip.

So you're MG. Do you know CB?

This caught me off guard as I shook my head.

Yeah. He mentioned you & this club. He's really nice. I'm an intern with him.

He's good stuff.

That's right, he took a class with you. He comes over to my desk all the time and he's teaching me how to use it. He's always over when he's bored.

Slowly I placed my computer in my bag,"yup he's good stuff."

The words are only 1/2. If you've ever seen someone establish territory, you understand the importance of the hands on the hip, right foot in front a bit and the stern look in the eye. This tells the reciepent the same thing as "B*tch, that's my man."

The professor looked at me after she left and inquired to what that was about - being that we are friends, I inform her, "That guy I've been seeing? - That's who she was talking about."

She shook her head - "Looks like you're not the only one and she just established some major territory!"

Eek. Trying not to go to Madison ...

The Wheels Turn. An Answer to be Had. Unrequited Love.

After years of not ever being good enough, I convinced myself that I was one of those people that wasn't meant to be in a relationship, that I was the person only meant to change lives.

While in college, I read a classical story in which the gods deemed certain people life changers. While they walked the earth as mortal humans they were never meant to do anything but touch peoples lives and put them on the right path.

My first relationship is what convinced me that I was not ever going to be good enough. I was told on a daily basis that I would never find anyone better, someone who accepted my multiple faults, I would never be thin enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I left.

My next series of relationships fulfilled the prophecies. I was never any of those things that my ex had said. Even when I finally got that boyfriend after two years of being alone, I still wasn't better than the groupie girls, the drugs, the time. It was then that a series of events followed that made me think of that story.

Phone calls followed from exs that told me I helped them switch jobs, go back to school, learn it was okay to fall in love and a thank you was in order. That's when I told myself I wasn't ever meant to be one of those happy couples with the white picket fence and the 2.3 kids and the suburban mansion - I was the catalyst to help those that needed it fulfill it.

And then there was him. To help make sure that love would never be had, I set criteria that would be almost impossible to fulfill. Last name in the upper part of the alphabet, tattoos, balding, no taller than me in heels, piercings, winter sports, baseball fan - just to name a few. And in the moment I found that guy - I immediately dated his friend.

A year later we met up, we hooked up. I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't just made to change people - maybe I was made for him. And then I wasn't.

Fast forward six months and I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough again and I developed a sex kitten persona. I would show him I was everything in the bedroom so I could be nothing in real life. The creation of my relationship with RS.

And now there is someone new. After Friday, I realized that I actually really like, really care for CB. That perhaps I need to stop self destruction and actually believe that I wasn't the person meant to change lives and that I could be happy.

After bantering text messages all weekend, I forced myself to not take that drive. I told myself that I didn't need to go to Madison to see him. Then there was this morning. I fought the urges, kept myself occupied (strongly with the help of my friends) but I did decide that if I didn't hear from CB I would drive tonight.

It was my mom's birthday, so we all went and ate and drank and had family time. I didn't feel extremely well, partially due to the fact that I didn't eat healthy and partly because I internally struggled with what my decision would be in 3 hours. I decided to leave. I grabbed my phone, 2 missed calls.

One was from CB, so here I sit. Proud of myself for the answer to be had, I didn't make the drive. I left myself open. And the wheels turn to a new beginning.