Things we miss.

I was involved in illicit behavior last night and it made me realize, that I miss certain elements of a non-illicit behavior relationship.

On the ride home from our annual family ski trip, my sister's boyfriend texted her to make sure she was okay (we were supposed to get a blizzard), I looked over and I saw this little smile, that kind that reminds you that someone would miss you if you weren't home.

I got a text a short time later from OF, telling me the weather was bad and to drive safe. I got that same little smile, but not in the same since.

A couple of hours of banter led to me relaxing in a hot tub and contemplating whether I should drink a glass of wine or spend the afternoon in illicit passion and great conversation. I toweled off with out the wine, cozied in my bath robe with the Bumpkin on my lap and watched the end of the Badger game, staring at my phone ever so often to examine the latest of messages.

I finally opted for the second option and headed over to OF's for a little fun. After we got done messing around, we were laying on his bed 1/2 naked and talking, one of my newly dark brown curls fell gently on my eye and he tucked it away behind my ear. I realize I miss that too.

We talked for a couple more hours in between messing around and I it was nice to just be with someone intimately and laugh and joke. I realized I missed that too.

On my way out to my car I fumbled with putting my bra on, he laughed and asked me to come near. He hooked it for me. It was this weird level of comfort and intimacy rolled into a few moments, those moments that happen ever so often with a significant other that you forget to treasure. While I miss the moments, I don't miss the fact that now I don't let them go unnoticed.

I opened the door to my car and pushed my knit cap over my curly hair and ears, brushed off the 4 hours of powder and for a moment before I pulled out of his drive I thought about those moments and wondered if OF could maybe be a BF. Through his window I saw him open his computer and scratch his head, I realized that couldn't be my boyfriend - he was just what he would always be, an old friend. But I also realized that I miss those little things and should probably be looking for a more substantial relationship as well.

Guy's Girl.

I was on the phone with Flower Guy last night after a long day at work in our Madison office. We talked about his work, my day, his friends, his travels, my travels and my friends.

"You seem to have a lot of male friends." he said, "You seem like you're a guys girl, the sports, the humor, everything."

"Yup. Just prefer them I guess, I have female friends too - just not as many close ones." I quipped back.

"So I want to ask you a question, but I'm not sure I want to know the answer or that you want to give me the answer."

"Shoot, I'm an open book."

"How many of them have you been with?"

That's a variation question, it's a lead into the inevitable - how many people have you been with question, but this one even has a bit more sting. Do I tell the truth? If I do, how do I justify it?

And then it dawns on me, the truth is the best response. If he would ever meet them I wouldn't want our huggy natures to be confused with potential cheating, so I answered honestly.

"#1 is my best friend, he's also my ex."

"JF is one of my closest friends, we've made out on occasion"

"Passive aggressive is a great friend, we've made out, but nothing more."

"Admin works with me and I offer to make out with him, he just turns me down."

Silence. Here's where I wonder if I mention RS and I justify that we aren't actually friends, so he doesn't count. Plus he's never been brought up in a conversation.

Still silence, which means I ramble on and on trying to justify it. "I'm one of those people that believes in connections, so whether or not we've ever done anything isn't an issue, it's did we connect - if we did, then they stay. If we didn't - then they go." More rambling, "I mean, I'm not a whore or anything." More silence. "Can you throw me a bone here? I'm rambling and the silence is killing me."

"I'm just listening, it's interesting." He says.

Then we switched subjects, thank god, and went back to Saturday plans.

Almost Happy Again

I was doing my normal Monday scrolling, checking on all my favorite bloggers to see what was going on and I made my normal 11:00 stop at postsecret and saw this postcard above (link to it on the side). It was funny how it hit me.

"Shit, I was almost happy again." How many times do we sabatoge what's going on in our lives because we fear that we might be happy again? I do it constantly.

I was reading Darth's blog and in one post he discusses his Uncle & a woman he is dealing with - both situations are drastic, and all I could think is that they'd prefer the sympathy of others than to fix their ideal situations and then I wondered if that was me.

BG and I were at the bar the other night, grabbing a beer and celebrating the fact of his band being mentioned on-air. A couple got tossed back when he informed me that he knows we'll never be together because he's not my type - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be. He told me he's accepted his position of being my friend and will forever be my protector. It made my heart drop - how many girls would envy the position of a good looking guy saying that to them? I asked myself if I was potentially giving up happiness for something that could never be.

Of course, you know that means that I went to Madison the next day seeking solidarity and clarification. I actually didn't do it intentionally, I was walking my landlord's dog and when we arrived home I got a text message, "Should I be expecting company tonight?"

I was confused and not technically in the mood so I wrote back, "From me?" and dipped my toes into the warm bubble bath to heat up my cold skin from the walk. A little banter and 20 minutes later I drug my bubble soaked butt out of the tub and plugged in the curling iron. He'd be gone for a week, I could justify my second romp of the week, plus I left upset last time because I couldn't service him properly.

The night went on as normal. I couldn't get his doorbell to ring, he opened the door and I entered. He tried to kiss me, I told him to sit on the couch. I performed a little strip tease and we got down to business. He came, I didn't. He was out of commish, but held me close. It was 10:00 when I told him I wanted to leave before the blizzard, it was 2:00 when I actually did. This time seemed different, we chatted about his favorite band coming into town on tour, we talked about his week of vacation in Michigan. I asked who he was going with, and then he answered, "the guys."

With out thinking I asked, "the guys?" and then it dawned on me - The Guys. The guys from the band, including my ex. Without hesitation he confirmed and we chatted briefly about each individual person and their status - including a brief synopsis of the ex (with out my prompting). I felt that the conversation was about "the guys" and not the usual conversation dealing with "my ex." I wondered as I laid on his chest if he finally made a disassociation and if he was getting to a point where he could see me as a genuine person in his life. "You don't have to go if you don't want" he said as I put on my boots, "Do you want me to stay?" "No" he said as he hugged me and kissed me. I saw him waiting by his window as I pulled away.

I called #1 the next day, and told him I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I've crossed the line, I've screwed up. I was the girl that wanted sex with out strings, and I didn't stop when my emotions started getting in the way. #1 told me that I knew what I had to do, but asked me if it was what I wanted to do. I told him no, but I couldn't go through what he put me through years back. #1 asked me if I was stopping myself from being happy or if I've justified him as the reason to be happy. I told him that I can't help but think that he's the right guy. #1 reminded me that past mistakes aren't usually forgiving in the future and told me "You know what you want to do and you know what you have to do. Now you have to decide."

And with that being said I think to myself, "Shit, I was almost happy again."

Decisions to make.

I saw RS this morning. He offered to come down last night, but it was snowing and my house still lacks anything besides a bed, so I said no.

I’m not sure why he makes me smile like he does. At some point in the near future I will have to have the “grown up” conversation, Is this just sex? Though I shamelessly hold out to see what might happen with CW.

What a weird sense of fate. The two people that I’ve wanted to be with in the past few years I have an opportunity to “be with” in one sense or another.

CW is actually the one who set the standard for RS. Both are manly, yet shy. Balding, tattooed. It’s been so long since I’ve been with CW that I actually can’t remember what it’s like to feel him next to me, or inside me, or just have a relationship with. I think it was good, why would I hold out feelings this long if it wasn’t? RS though, RS and I just share something. He can fuck me bloody, then lay and trace the phoenix on my back and talk about servers and I am completely content. And it’s been over 3 months of sex.

3 months. Wow. That’s awhile for an FB establishment I must admit. I wonder how someone can go that long and not have an inclining of any feelings? Granted, I push mine away so I can have this relationship, is he doing the same?

Tomorrow CW and I are going out. I’m wondering what that will be like? Like old friends? Old lovers? He’s been the reason for so many things in my life, can we just catch up and pretend there wasn’t 5 years of silence? And what if he just uses me? Will I be able to recover with out copiously trying to find a replacement? I often wonder what I will say tomorrow? So what’s new? I’m happy now, I haven’t been for a very long time and now the pieces fall into place. The last two years I’ve realized I don’t need a man to make my life function, but have also taught me that I want one.

I got a new job, I’ll say. I love it. I graduated from college. I have to degrees, I’ll brag. I’m doing well for myself, not well enough that I can spend money left and right, but well enough to live happily off what I make. My cat is great. My family is wonderful, but stressed because I never see them. My grandma wonders why I haven’t settled because my cousin is married and now pregnant. I tell them I’m just waiting.

It’s been 5 years, he’ll say. And I’ll say that I know, it’s been too long. And then we won’t talk. We’ll look at each other and I’ll want to take him home, sleep in his muscular arms. And think if I’m making the right choice.

I’m not psychic, but then I’ll go back to Madison to be with RS and I’ll lay in his arms and look for the comfort, feel out the future. And then I might have to have the grown up conversation.

With him I’ll ask, is this just sex. And he won’t know what to say. Because I know him, and I know part of him likes being with me, and the sane part knows that he shouldn’t. He’ll ask why, now? And I’ll say that I love being around him, but I want to make sure we’re both healthy in our decisions. If we are FB’s we have to establish that, and I miss being with someone in public. And he’ll say he can’t. And then we won’t talk. And a part of my heart will shatter as I wonder if I just cast something great back into the lake.

Then I’ll remember that something great isn’t an FB. But part of me will want to take it all back, because those once a week ventures are thrilling. To be with someone in that fashion that you’ve wanted to be with so long. I’ll miss how he kisses, how he touches, how he smells. How he traces the phoenix. And if things happen with CW, I’ll go back and see if that touching makes me as happy.

And either decision I make, or what happens, I’ll always wonder if it was the right one. And I’ll never know for sure, because that’s the nature of decisions.

Exit Stage Right.

Out of the friends that I have that have met CB, there was one still hanging on - JF. Last night JF, my friend M, CB and I went out for a drink at one of the local bars by my house (my new house, that I move into THIS weekend! Eeeee! Exciting!) and enjoyed a couple adult beverages.

When it came down to conversation, CB didn't participate. In fact, he didn't seem comfortable at all. I cozied up, he stayed straight in his chair with his arms crossed. This morning I found out the last remaining bandwagoner has fallen off.

I got this tidbit of advice ...

I think you should probably move on. I hope you don't mind my two cents here, but you two are on opposite sides of the universe when it comes to what you want, physically, in a relationship. As we've discussed at length, that is very important. Again, there's really nothing wrong with being the way he is, it's just not what you want. I'm sure he is perfect for someone out there, hell many girls out there, but certainly not you. It does suck, because he is a really nice guy and he isn't shitty to you, but I think you would be consistently frustrated with him if this continues and, really, is that worth it?

I've stayed out of the Pro-CB spotlight and JF's right, it's not worth it. Because he doesn't make me feel wanted, I seek it in other places. Now I realize I'm justifying seemingly cheating ways on fabrication; however, let me reiterate that we actually aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, haven't done more than kiss, so I have definitely NOT cheated. And back to what I was saying, I obviously won't be faithful in a relationship if I don't get that, so it's better to cut ties now.

In the past I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" people and making a relationship last, and I've hung on because I put that time in and don't want to see my "project" fail - but it's time for a new leaf. He's guarded his heart too long and the horse is sick of chasing the carrot.

i've opted to go to Madison to get man-handled after work, straight up F*cked. I'm wearing my pink fuck me boots and my jacket - that's it. I have his college's sweatshirt to put on afterwards for round two. I'm so incredibly excited to feel his body on mine, feel his hands on my neck, feel him inside. Wow, 2:00 can't come fast enough - or cum, I guess I should say.

In moving news, this is it! This is the weekend! I've slowly been moving things over every day. This morning was the last long ride to work. I plan on going to Madison, fucking, coming home, packing and Saturday unpacking at the new place. I bought a beautiful, huge, work of art on gallery night that's starch black and white of a girl smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee to go above my couch - if I had a couch ...