Almost Happy Again

I was doing my normal Monday scrolling, checking on all my favorite bloggers to see what was going on and I made my normal 11:00 stop at postsecret and saw this postcard above (link to it on the side). It was funny how it hit me.

"Shit, I was almost happy again." How many times do we sabatoge what's going on in our lives because we fear that we might be happy again? I do it constantly.

I was reading Darth's blog and in one post he discusses his Uncle & a woman he is dealing with - both situations are drastic, and all I could think is that they'd prefer the sympathy of others than to fix their ideal situations and then I wondered if that was me.

BG and I were at the bar the other night, grabbing a beer and celebrating the fact of his band being mentioned on-air. A couple got tossed back when he informed me that he knows we'll never be together because he's not my type - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be. He told me he's accepted his position of being my friend and will forever be my protector. It made my heart drop - how many girls would envy the position of a good looking guy saying that to them? I asked myself if I was potentially giving up happiness for something that could never be.

Of course, you know that means that I went to Madison the next day seeking solidarity and clarification. I actually didn't do it intentionally, I was walking my landlord's dog and when we arrived home I got a text message, "Should I be expecting company tonight?"

I was confused and not technically in the mood so I wrote back, "From me?" and dipped my toes into the warm bubble bath to heat up my cold skin from the walk. A little banter and 20 minutes later I drug my bubble soaked butt out of the tub and plugged in the curling iron. He'd be gone for a week, I could justify my second romp of the week, plus I left upset last time because I couldn't service him properly.

The night went on as normal. I couldn't get his doorbell to ring, he opened the door and I entered. He tried to kiss me, I told him to sit on the couch. I performed a little strip tease and we got down to business. He came, I didn't. He was out of commish, but held me close. It was 10:00 when I told him I wanted to leave before the blizzard, it was 2:00 when I actually did. This time seemed different, we chatted about his favorite band coming into town on tour, we talked about his week of vacation in Michigan. I asked who he was going with, and then he answered, "the guys."

With out thinking I asked, "the guys?" and then it dawned on me - The Guys. The guys from the band, including my ex. Without hesitation he confirmed and we chatted briefly about each individual person and their status - including a brief synopsis of the ex (with out my prompting). I felt that the conversation was about "the guys" and not the usual conversation dealing with "my ex." I wondered as I laid on his chest if he finally made a disassociation and if he was getting to a point where he could see me as a genuine person in his life. "You don't have to go if you don't want" he said as I put on my boots, "Do you want me to stay?" "No" he said as he hugged me and kissed me. I saw him waiting by his window as I pulled away.

I called #1 the next day, and told him I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I've crossed the line, I've screwed up. I was the girl that wanted sex with out strings, and I didn't stop when my emotions started getting in the way. #1 told me that I knew what I had to do, but asked me if it was what I wanted to do. I told him no, but I couldn't go through what he put me through years back. #1 asked me if I was stopping myself from being happy or if I've justified him as the reason to be happy. I told him that I can't help but think that he's the right guy. #1 reminded me that past mistakes aren't usually forgiving in the future and told me "You know what you want to do and you know what you have to do. Now you have to decide."

And with that being said I think to myself, "Shit, I was almost happy again."

It's pretty okay.

So it's been an interesting week or so.

Thanksgiving was a ton of fun. My sister and I baked pies at 5 in the morning while drinking wine (to sustain her buzz that she still had from Wednesday). After our first rounds of dinner due to the divorced parents, we were outside talking just the two of us. She looked at me and smiled.

Sister: "You're so happy."

MG: "Yeah, not much to not be thankful for these days."

Sister: "It's not that MG. You're seeing RS, aren't you?"

MG: "What? No."

Sister: "Yes you are. If you're not dating, you're sleeping together."

MG: "Are you serious? What would make you think that?"

Sister: "Because I can tell. You two need to get over the ex, you're supposed to be with each other."

MG: "It's nice to hear, but it isn't going to happen."

To be continued! Work day is over!

late night chat.

So tonight i went out with cocktails with #1 to do the pre-thanksgiving celebratory dance. His friend, also an old roommate from when we were together, was there and it turns out we were left at the bar together.

That's when he informs me that he's surprised I still hang out with #1, and I ask why. Big mistake. "No offense, never thought highly of you. I mean I do now, you're beautiful and accomplished."

Ouch. Dagger to the heart. #1 denies nothing, I tell his friend, "well, we obviously have two sides to a story."

Nervous.

I'm incredibly nervous these days. I love my job, but they've just capped me at sales due to our impending move. Then my boss tells me that I'm in a negotiating position, if they lose me - the business fails. I would never negotiate, but it still makes me nervous. One of our instructors left and with out being able to give people dates for classes or even a for sure head nod that the class can happen, I'm screwed. A nervous wreck. I need to hit my 7% cap to make rent. I was almost a grown up. Crap.

Then there's the whole social life. Wow, I can't imagine the mess I'd be in if I ever actually took off my pants (well, except for RS).

Here's an indepth update ...

CW: F*ck CW. Dumb 36 year old a**. Read yesterday's post for more - won't even bother wasting my time to reiterate. F*cker.

CB: Told me he felt distant. I told him it wasn't a feeling. I put 5 months into something that isn't working, it was time to move on. That didn't go well. Plus I did it on email - I was "that" girl. Guess I had Sunday coming to me due to karma. He told me he'd try harder, I told him my patience had wained. The truth is I'm not even attracted to him anymore (I didn't say that though)

BG: Still friends, really trying not to give an opposite reaction.

RS: Unfortunately I'm getting too attached and struggling hardcore with seperation of sex and feelings. I'm not sure his stance and too afraid to ask. I'd rather have sex then nothing.

JF: Is getting right up there with #1 and our friendship, in fact #1 seems a bit threatened of his position. I love them both, I'm a lucky girl.

I compare them to you.

I spent Saturday in Cedar Rapids visiting a friend. You can’t believe how amazing and strong both her and her daughter are for dealing with something so huge. I left early, had a date with CW at 1:00. At 8:00am, I headed back to Wisconsin.

At 10:30 I finally ended up in Beloit and stopped to get gas. My phone rang. It was CW. I was pumping, so I didn’t answer. He left a voicemail…

“Hey MG, it’s CW. Listen, I can’t see you this afternoon. In fact I can’t see or talk to you again. I don’t have a girlfriend like last time, I don’t know. It’s just hard to explain. Have a great life.”

I listened as I paid. I was angry. I wanted to drink or cry. I couldn’t tell which. The truth is, I don’t cry – so I wanted to drink to cry. Part of me was bent on fate, how could we keep bumping into each other? The universe throwing us in each other’s arms. How could that mean nothing? I called back.

“CW. We are both adults here. It’s been five years. I’m not asking to be your girlfriend, I was asking to be your friend. I missed being around you. But I guess some things never change. You have my number if you ever want to use it.”

I called E. She was busy. I called JF. He listened, “You’re too good.” I know I am. “Are you okay?” Of course I am. “MG, stop being strong. I know you are, you don’t have to be with me.”

I spilled, I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at me for believing I was worth something to someone. For buying into the “I loved you” mania. For holding my breath to have it taken away. I was mad for yearning for something that wasn’t good to begin with. I was mad because that guy, that asshole that left me the voicemail, I compared every guy to him. And no guy matched up. To that. What scum have I been dating?

I went to the game with E’s boyfriend, he was there. I was pissed. We had to see the game there because he’s a Bears fan and it was on digital cable. I hid in the backroom.

I went home and finally took the bath that I promised myself I would. I sat in the bubbles and the bath salts and contemplated why I wasn’t good enough. Keith Urban came on my iTunes, Tonight I Want to Cry.

The night before I talked with RS and he had said he’d be in town until late afternoon. I waited for late afternoon, not knowing when that would be. 7:00 was night, so it must be 5:00? It came and went. 6:00? Came and went.

I paced. I lit candles and laid in my unmade bed and I couldn’t take the built up emotion. I cried. Just a little. Frustrated with myself, it was 7:00. I put on clothes and started to head outside. Still angry, I text messaged RS to see if he was coming.

He drove completely out of his way and showed up. We kissed, forever. I didn’t think of anything but his hands on my neck, back, etc. It felt so good. We didn’t have sex right away like normally. We just sat there with each other, enjoying the teasing and the foreplay. We had slow sex and fast sex and then I laid in his arms for two hours, naked and he talked. I didn’t say anything.

I wanted to say, “What’s going on here.” But I was afraid he’d say it was just sex and I’d be by myself. I was afraid I’d lose him forever. He left just a few minutes ago, I walked him out to his car, his arm was on my back. We kissed for awhile. Dirty little secret exposed to the moon.

I walked back inside. I’m not sure how long I can hold out this charade of hard-ass girl looking for sex.

In many ways I’m angry at CW for being that guy, but as I said goodbye I was actually glad he was. After all, RS is just like him – except kinder. Gentler. Here now. That comparison I was glad for.

Crazy Pre-Weekend Post

This has been the week from hell.

I'm planning this major fundraiser and hoping to GOD people actually start signing up. It's nerve racking!

Broke up with CB, never heard from CW, and kissed JF.

Now I'm off to Iowa!

In 15 Minutes

I'm going to the doctor in 15 minutes to finally figure out what's wrong with my body. Why I can't eat meat anymore, why I can't eat anything for that matter, with out getting sick. Last time I was there, it just didn't make sense. Working out non-stop, eating a vegan diet, getting as sick as I was and putting on weight. Finally the doctor said it was time to address the issues. So today I'm doing blood tests.

The funny thing is that today will be a deciding day. The doctor is the only one I've admitted to that I'm struggling with the thought of anorexia again. The good news is I haven't thought about bulimia, both of which I've suffered in the past. I'm almost afraid that the results will come back that nothing is wrong and then I'll go back to old habits. It's funny that I've been through all the counseling and I see the warning signs, but just can't help to think that I'll just skip breakfast and run that extra mile, or I'll just have a glass of water for lunch. I'm trying so hard to be healthy, but it's so hard to see myself in old pictures and not want to return that way.

10:00 on Sunday and the clock is still ticking.

I moved a lot this morning, nearly all of my belongings pegged between two rooms, scattered on the ground or in plastic containers. I needed something to keep me busy while I waited for the game to attend. The game did end, and I didn’t get a call. Around 6:00 a co-worker called, he needed some items for Monday. To pass time I offered to do them for him and I went into work.

At 7:00 I flipped the phone between my fingers. I called. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did, Hey it’s 7:00 – wanted to see if you still wanted to go out. Call me.

Then I went to #1s with McDonald’s in my hand and patiently waited for a phone call. I laid in bed with #1 and he played with my hair. I talked about yesterday and how much fun it was to be with RS. He laughed and said the line that I always give him about his FB, “You’re going to get married and have babies and live happily ever after.” I sighed. He asked why. Because that would be great if we did.

As we talked I asked if I could tell him something. What? I got stood up. With CB? Oh geez, no (I’m from Wisconsin, we say oh geez). From CW.

He rolled his eyes at me. He told me he was glad because the old MG from 5 years ago would take it with a grain of salt but that person is gone and now he has no chance. It’s better this way he says.

And the truth is he’s right. Part of me wanted to call a few minutes ago and leave a voicemail saying that we’re even. But the truth is, we aren’t.

In all the lovey-doveyness and, by all means the second round was my fault, me getting freaked out way under plays the topic of him having a finacee the first round and not tell me. Or the girl calling me a dirty whore. Or the phone call he followed up with telling me to leave him alone. No, he still should be on the shit list and this has just compiled it.

If he calls tomorrow, I’m going to explain that I’m not 21 anymore. I don’t play these games. And then I’m going to tell him it was great seeing him and I wish him the best.

So God helps us make decisions through actions. I won’t regret leaving him anymore or look at construction sites to see if he’s there. I won’t wonder if he thinks about me. No. I now know that the me I am now is better than him and he’s still his old self.

Now to just let down CB. We went out on Friday and still nothing. This time I didn’t even pretend. I don’t have the energy to fake a relationship. He kept asking if he was taking too much time – and now I have to tell him that he did. I think he’s sweet and cute and great to be around, but I think he’s that person romantically for someone else. I thought I was clear on what I needed and he couldn’t give it to me. Next time, don’t take so long.

It’s that time of year. The time of year where relationships are out there to be had, but none are in my lap.

Decisions to make.

I saw RS this morning. He offered to come down last night, but it was snowing and my house still lacks anything besides a bed, so I said no.

I’m not sure why he makes me smile like he does. At some point in the near future I will have to have the “grown up” conversation, Is this just sex? Though I shamelessly hold out to see what might happen with CW.

What a weird sense of fate. The two people that I’ve wanted to be with in the past few years I have an opportunity to “be with” in one sense or another.

CW is actually the one who set the standard for RS. Both are manly, yet shy. Balding, tattooed. It’s been so long since I’ve been with CW that I actually can’t remember what it’s like to feel him next to me, or inside me, or just have a relationship with. I think it was good, why would I hold out feelings this long if it wasn’t? RS though, RS and I just share something. He can fuck me bloody, then lay and trace the phoenix on my back and talk about servers and I am completely content. And it’s been over 3 months of sex.

3 months. Wow. That’s awhile for an FB establishment I must admit. I wonder how someone can go that long and not have an inclining of any feelings? Granted, I push mine away so I can have this relationship, is he doing the same?

Tomorrow CW and I are going out. I’m wondering what that will be like? Like old friends? Old lovers? He’s been the reason for so many things in my life, can we just catch up and pretend there wasn’t 5 years of silence? And what if he just uses me? Will I be able to recover with out copiously trying to find a replacement? I often wonder what I will say tomorrow? So what’s new? I’m happy now, I haven’t been for a very long time and now the pieces fall into place. The last two years I’ve realized I don’t need a man to make my life function, but have also taught me that I want one.

I got a new job, I’ll say. I love it. I graduated from college. I have to degrees, I’ll brag. I’m doing well for myself, not well enough that I can spend money left and right, but well enough to live happily off what I make. My cat is great. My family is wonderful, but stressed because I never see them. My grandma wonders why I haven’t settled because my cousin is married and now pregnant. I tell them I’m just waiting.

It’s been 5 years, he’ll say. And I’ll say that I know, it’s been too long. And then we won’t talk. We’ll look at each other and I’ll want to take him home, sleep in his muscular arms. And think if I’m making the right choice.

I’m not psychic, but then I’ll go back to Madison to be with RS and I’ll lay in his arms and look for the comfort, feel out the future. And then I might have to have the grown up conversation.

With him I’ll ask, is this just sex. And he won’t know what to say. Because I know him, and I know part of him likes being with me, and the sane part knows that he shouldn’t. He’ll ask why, now? And I’ll say that I love being around him, but I want to make sure we’re both healthy in our decisions. If we are FB’s we have to establish that, and I miss being with someone in public. And he’ll say he can’t. And then we won’t talk. And a part of my heart will shatter as I wonder if I just cast something great back into the lake.

Then I’ll remember that something great isn’t an FB. But part of me will want to take it all back, because those once a week ventures are thrilling. To be with someone in that fashion that you’ve wanted to be with so long. I’ll miss how he kisses, how he touches, how he smells. How he traces the phoenix. And if things happen with CW, I’ll go back and see if that touching makes me as happy.

And either decision I make, or what happens, I’ll always wonder if it was the right one. And I’ll never know for sure, because that’s the nature of decisions.

To Each His Own

I full heartedly admit that any innocent bystander of my night tonight would assume I was drunk or stoned.

After family pictures, I headed out to #1’s to drop off a piece of artwork he bought – that was at 7:00, it’s nearly 9:15 and I just got home. I laid on his couch and he laid on the floor and we had our normal banter of cracking each other up amongst serious conversation.

I tell #1 everything, that includes that he knows the background with CW (short side note – I was with CW before the first go around with #1 and admitted I needed to get tested because we had had unprotected sex and I found out later he had been with over 100 girls), so I admitted to the Champps incident and told him that I really hoped he called. #1 hates this guy, not only for the above reason but because he knows that I really liked him when we were seeing each other and he (#1) had to deal with the pieces of a shattered ego from it. He cautioned me that I had to do what I had to do – but that he wasn’t a backer.

Doesn’t matter much because CW didn’t return my call from his original call anyway.

I digress, we discussed our current love situations and how the multiple people in our lives constitute one great person – just they aren’t together. BG is attentive, CB is sweet, RS is a great fuck and #1 is the perfect companion. He has a 20 year old love interest that is hot, hot, hot. The age difference kills it for him and he has said if they ever got together they would just (and this is a legitimate quote) “Have monkey sex for 3 months and be done with it.” One of my committee members is also an interest for him because she’s adorable, he said she’s the kind of girl you just want to cuddle with all weekend long, and then there’s me that he can just lay and shoot the shit with. The combined packages are phenomenal people – we just have to find them. Interesting, no?

As for the move – I’m still in boxes and 1/2 my stuff is still at my dad’s. I brought the bumpkin over last night to get associated with the place, he cried all night. Finally about 5am he settled under my covers, something he hasn’t done since Moo left, hugged tight to my leg. He stayed there until I showered and promptly returned when he saw me packing my bag. I came home around 4:45 (LOVE THIS COMMUTE!) and he was still there, I’m not sure he left all day. He’s also a horse and hasn’t touched his food.

He’s not your typical cat, even my dad thinks he’s more of a dog. He comes when called, plays fetch and even walks on a harness (not well – but he does it). He doesn’t ever cry, so when he is vocal I know he’s perturbed. This is a huge adjustment for him, he always had Moo and when she was gone there was always someone in the house – either my sister with her kids from her daycare next door or my dad or me. Now it’s just me and I’m not home that much. I feel like a bad cat mom L.

Other than that, I did put my bed together but I realized my internet connection isn’t the best – looks like I’ll have to cough up that $60 some a month – yikes. At least my gym membership is done after this month.

I still have no TV, so there’s not much to do these nights except sleep. Hopefully when the alarm goes off tomorrow morning I’ll actually get out of bed and run like I’m supposed to.

In a quick boy update news:

CW: Didn’t return my call.
#1 and I hung out tonight
BG and I have been chatting over email – but nothing major
CB tried to hang out all weekend but I blew him off for the move
RS and I slept together Friday, I tried to do it again on Sunday but he never returned my text.

To each his own.

The Ex-Factor

I’m not sure why I do this, but I make little propositions to myself to help me make “educated” decisions. For instance, “If Construction Worker (see this post: ) is at the bar for the game I’ll give up on CB.” I do it to justify not giving up on CB; however, sometimes my little propositions go south.

E & her man were running late, so I scrapped plans to head west to the Brookfield Champps. When they called 1/2 hour before the game I propositioned Greenfield Champps instead since I could make it there for a seat with in 10 minutes. “Sure” E said, “We’ll see you in 30 minutes.”

That’s when I made the above proposition, just for shits and giggles because I obviously haven’t seen CW in years. I walked into the bar, looked directly to the end to survey just in case they were there, and boom. Yellow hat, tanned skin.

Of course E ends up being an hour late and I’m tapping my foot at the bar. I forgot my phone – there’s no solace. He’ll talk to me, I want talk to him. I toyed with my fake engagement ring and pounded Bud Lights. They finally showed.

“You sit here. I’ve gotta pee, you come with me.” I grabbed E and headed to the bathroom, “Remember that guy that I say I drive slow past construction sites for?” She looked at me like a deer in headlights, “He’s here?” “He’s here.”

For a moment we toyed with the idea of me talking to him but I said no, did two shots and watched the rest of the game. As fate would have it, I walked to the bathroom as he walked out. We actually bumped into each other.

“MG? Oh my god, I was just thinking about you last week.”

“CW, yeah. It’s me. You look, you look really good.”

“MG, seriously – I can’t believe it’s you. You were the f*cking love of my life and you dogged me so bad.”

“I know. But, yeah – I’ve thought about you a lot. You’re my epitome.”

We chatted about life. “Are you single?” I asked. “Yes.”

“We should go out.” I said, he replied, “tomorrow. Let’s go out tomorrow.”

Because I was drinking I stopped and said no. I didn’t want to go out if there wasn’t a connection, so I kissed him. Connection.

A bit of honesty

I might delete this post, as I'm sure I'll try to convince myself I am wrong.

I slept with RS last night. It was great - we talked a lot. He threw in a little jests about ex-girlfriends, etc and it weirded me out. I wasn't really sure what I thought until this morning.

And I've alluded to this fact a couple of times, but I'm completely in love with RS. I have been for 4 years. I've seperated myself enough that I'm not the psycho girl that's pawing at him for a relationship, but if I'm honest with myself I know that I want to be with him.

And CB is a lot like RS was when we met, and I think that's why I'm dealing with all these crappy situations because I want CB to be RS.

The fact is that CB is not RS and RS and I will never be. This sucks.

I want to be in Iowa right now! :(

Exit Stage Right.

Out of the friends that I have that have met CB, there was one still hanging on - JF. Last night JF, my friend M, CB and I went out for a drink at one of the local bars by my house (my new house, that I move into THIS weekend! Eeeee! Exciting!) and enjoyed a couple adult beverages.

When it came down to conversation, CB didn't participate. In fact, he didn't seem comfortable at all. I cozied up, he stayed straight in his chair with his arms crossed. This morning I found out the last remaining bandwagoner has fallen off.

I got this tidbit of advice ...

I think you should probably move on. I hope you don't mind my two cents here, but you two are on opposite sides of the universe when it comes to what you want, physically, in a relationship. As we've discussed at length, that is very important. Again, there's really nothing wrong with being the way he is, it's just not what you want. I'm sure he is perfect for someone out there, hell many girls out there, but certainly not you. It does suck, because he is a really nice guy and he isn't shitty to you, but I think you would be consistently frustrated with him if this continues and, really, is that worth it?

I've stayed out of the Pro-CB spotlight and JF's right, it's not worth it. Because he doesn't make me feel wanted, I seek it in other places. Now I realize I'm justifying seemingly cheating ways on fabrication; however, let me reiterate that we actually aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, haven't done more than kiss, so I have definitely NOT cheated. And back to what I was saying, I obviously won't be faithful in a relationship if I don't get that, so it's better to cut ties now.

In the past I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" people and making a relationship last, and I've hung on because I put that time in and don't want to see my "project" fail - but it's time for a new leaf. He's guarded his heart too long and the horse is sick of chasing the carrot.

i've opted to go to Madison to get man-handled after work, straight up F*cked. I'm wearing my pink fuck me boots and my jacket - that's it. I have his college's sweatshirt to put on afterwards for round two. I'm so incredibly excited to feel his body on mine, feel his hands on my neck, feel him inside. Wow, 2:00 can't come fast enough - or cum, I guess I should say.

In moving news, this is it! This is the weekend! I've slowly been moving things over every day. This morning was the last long ride to work. I plan on going to Madison, fucking, coming home, packing and Saturday unpacking at the new place. I bought a beautiful, huge, work of art on gallery night that's starch black and white of a girl smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee to go above my couch - if I had a couch ...

One of those little times ...

I'm not an in your face political person but I do have to make one small comment in the light of elections.

Let me preface by saying I don't want any comments about what I'm about to type saying I'm anti-Bush or what not. I'm just bringing up something I heard this morning that ticked me off.

Bush was talking about stem cell research and said something to the effect of one life should not be given to save others. If I was stuck in an elevator with Bush this is the thing I would say to him before I got off ...

If no life should be given to save others, why are we in Iraq? Embryonic cells may be innocent potential lives, but what are you doing with innocent, real, lives of our men and women?

And then I would walk out and let him ponder that thought.

I Want to Scream.

I am so irritated right now. Why speak when no one listens to what you have to say? What is the point of being a member of all these damn clubs and asked to sit it, but asked not to give your opinion. I want to yell obsenities and quit it all at this point.

And I REALLY hate the "What can you do for me?" people when they don't do a damn thing for you. F-You buddy. F-You.

And just to further my anger right now, I'm going to type obsentities below. If it offends you - don't read.

FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
YOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
THAT'SRIGHTFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!

That time of year?

So I have to do a double post based on the events in the last 2 hours. I spoke with JF and #1, both of them said the same things, "It's just this time of year that makes me want to settle down ... why can't I find that person to do this with?"

Is it "That Time of Year?" Wisconsin winters are cold - is it that warmth of a body next to you? Is it the events? What is it that makes people give mixed signals?

I've had anxiety about "this time of year" - not because of holidays or the cold, but because I tend to get in long term relationships in the month of October. I have hesitated, potentially devestating current relationships just because I didn't want a pattern. Was it not the guy, but perhaps their need for "This Time of Year?"

Time to just be friends.

I say that now, I know. But I think it might be that time.

I finally got the call that I can move to my new place and it came to me that maybe it's time to just change everything. I spoke with a friend of mine over the whole situation and she said this.

"It's obvious that you're emotionally connected. But you're a sexual person. You emminate it. When people look at you they see a fun, loving, sexual person. Why change who you are because you're emotionally involved with someone who is not that type of person."

I have said this and typed this numerous times. I need little things, I take that back. I have to have the little things. I'm too old to just settle for irritation. I need someone who looks at me like I happen to be the most gorgeous person in the world. I need stolen kisses. When its cold, I want that person that stands behind you to keep you warm. I want hands on my neck when we kiss because it's passion and infactuation. I want a returned f*cking email or text or phone call.

I have spent 4 months trying to get what I have to have. We've made little steps, he tells me I look nice, he even snuck a kiss to me at the bar. I need what I have in Madison, but I need it here in Milwaukee and I don't need it with RS.

For godsake - seriously, is this too much to ask? Am I being "a girl" about this situation. If I am, screw you - I have breasts ... damnit! Touch them!!

The Consequences of Emotion Over Physical

I've boiled down my current situation to go against my nature, per say.

With CB I've done a complete 180. I don't date tall guys, or young guys, or educated guys, or non tattoo-ed, non-pierced guys, and I definitely don't date cute guys. And here I am seeing a 23 year old, good looking, college educated, house owning, 6 foot something guy that has "thought" about a tattoo but would never actually do it. I've also looked for physical relationships first over emotional ones. Once again, I am now emotionally involved with no physical relationship and it's driving me insane. So that's my current issue, I'm still trying to figure out his.

I've been good this past week. I've only been with him. I was hoping that it was my closed sense that worked against me, but if I dedicated myself to him that the physical would come. This weekend was his brother's birthday and he invited me out.

This is HUGE in the sense of any relationship - I mean #1 and I have been friends for 5 some years and he's never met my siblings. I think it was a game, even though I'm told guys don't play those games, I'm pretty sure it was. What would his brothers think of me? If I got their approval perhaps I'd get his.

I played DD all night, still trying to get over my ear infection. They got annihilated. Both CB and his older brother encouraged me to kiss the younger brother all night. I'm hoping that was a game as well. Normally, I would do it - I have no issues kissing anyone at any point, especially with my new found confidence from JF that I'm a great kisser but all I could think of was CB and that no girl who makes out with 2 brothers is ever going to have a chance - so I abstained.

The booze flew all night as I sipped on water or the occassional Bud Light, and after a couple bars CB looked at me and said, "You look really good tonight." And after a couple more bars and his brothers in other places (bathroom and the bar), he even snuck a kiss. I was thinking the night was going to be worth it. Then came the encouragement of kissing his brother and I got confused.

They continued drinking and the little bro wasn't looking too hot, so I provided water to avoid the puking in my car. When the clocks chimed 2:15am, we called it a night. I dropped the boys back off, they wrestled in the street and CB and I walked inside the lobby of his building. We sat and chatted, then kissed and then heard a loud slamming sound.

I jumped since the car wasn't mine that night, it was in fact my dad's and to our amazement, the brothers were MIA. CB went into brother mode and ran outside, stood by the car and I rushed to his side, "What?"

In the middle of the road they continued their wrestling until one of them was 1/2 naked and CB pulled them apart. We hugged and he encouraged me to go home.

Today I recounted the story to JF and my sexual frustration. We've had the sex conversation, we've had the time to get to know eachother, I have even met his brothers, he wants me to meet the parents in 2 weeks. How can I do all of this and be "that girl" when I know if there is no sexual connection there can't be a relationship? His kissing is still horrible, how much can I hope for?

So JF and I hung out today and I delivered to him how I was going to jump CB next time I saw him - delivered in the sense of acted out for practice. I was on top of his lap kissing him and about to remove my top, when my phone rang - CB. We chatted as JF kissed my neck. I hung up, took off my top and took off his pants.

"Are we going to have sex?"

I looked at him and couldn't believe what came out of my mouth (after I removed him from it) - "That would be cheating - not technically because I'm not his girlfriend, but I like him." He came moments later.

Obviously, I'm confused.

Hump Day

Wednesday is Hump Day because you're at the top of the week and it all comes sliding down.

Speaking of sliding down, my checking account is slowly deteriorating before my eyes as I woke up at 3am with the right side of my head throbbing. Turns out that muffled sound in my head wasn't just a cold, it was a double ear infection. Now I know why kids pull at their ears when they have them. They hurt.

It all started this morning, here I don't have to be in until 11:30 and I woke in tears. I desperately tried to hot compress my right ear until the doctor's office opened at 8am, drifting in and out of sleep through the pain. I had an oil change at 10:00 and a tire rotation to prep my car for my dad taking it home to Nebraska. At 9 I stopped at the store to pick up new windshield wiper blades, an air freshner and a new scraper (since windows are already frosting here), paid the bill and called my sister to let her know that she couldn't cash the check I gave her because I now needed my last $25.00 to pay a co-pay with the doctor. She said that it was fine and I headed to the dealership for my car work.

I go to sign in and my normal guy is busy so I get the new service manager. She recommends an engine flush, but I turn it down telling her that my dad can pay for it after this weekend when he puts the next 3,000 miles on my car. I went into the waiting room, worked a bit and she came out to tell me that my brakes were shot. It would be $500 but she talked with my guy and he said to mark them down to $250. I told her it was absolutely not in my budget, she told me that my car absolutely could not go 3,000 miles on those brakes.

I sighed. I only had $25 in my account and, while getting paid Friday, I didn't (a) have the time to wait and (b) have the funds even then when I got paid due to the new nuiscance of a double rent payment. I called my dad, told him that I expected to pay for the tire rotation, but not the brakes - was I even getting a good deal? He said yes, and he'd pay for them since I set everything up for him. I still had my appointment at 11:30, left and came back at 3:15. My car was finally done about 5:30, I filled my prescription and called it a day.

Hopefully my ears will start to feel better tomorrow.

I finished cleaning out the car for dad. Gave him my regular cell phone for calls in Nebraska. Filled the cup holder with silver coins for tolls. I informed him of the lights, the windshield controls and opened the center counsel - just in case he needs them, there's condoms and asprin. He looked wide eyed and chuckled.

In other hopeful hump news, CB has asked me out with his two brothers on Friday - meeting the family? The brothers are the first step, and we haven't even humped yet. I'm thinking there needs to be some sexual aggression prior to their arrival. I've devised a plan.

The plan will break down like this. I'm wearing a cute skirt on Friday, I'll go to his house before they arrive. He'll meet me at the door, I'll ask how golf was and work and then I'll ask him to sit on the couch. Then I'll crawl on top of him.

I'll tell him that I don't want him to do anything, he's had a hard week and needs to relax. I'll tell him to just sit there and tell me what he likes. Then I'll kiss him on the lips. Then on the neck. Then again on the lips. And I'll mention that I hope he likes it.

I'll swing around the back and rub his shoulders because it'll be a long night and then I'll hug him.

If there's no passion in those steps, there's no use in even thinking about humping.

Truth in Lyrics

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
- The Wreckers

Another quick realization

This blog is supposed to be humorous, which I think at times it is, confusing - definitely, sex - see last couple of posts, and about martinis - someone pour me a damn cocktail! Emphasis on the COCK! LOL.

Clarification in a male with no sex

JF and I went out tonight, he's schmoozing the ladies and getting pretty serious so of course there was no action; especially since he's the biggest supporter of CB.

I admitted to my affair because I knew I'd get an honest answer. He said that there was no "affair" up until this point and no need to feel guilty over my actions - unless they happen again.

He was in the same position as CB at his age and he said that in all honesty, it's scary to be that way. Everything is a new encounter and you're afraid because you need to have the experience supposedly and you don't. Which makes sense.

I'm a little put off due to the fact that I emailed CB & called him tonight, but got a reply to nothing. And I'm horney as all hell. I guess that's what it came down too.

As always, JF and I had intellectual conversation and we're both in the same position of questioning monogamy at this point. We chuckled at the thought of living close by eachother and just having sex occassionally if this doesn't work out. It's a great thought, but I'm sure it won't happen - he's too nice & too hot to be single for long and there is that fact that I think I actually want this to work with CB - besides being called Christina.

On a sidebar, something to ponder, would be is this still "Single in the City" or singleinmilwaukee.blogspot.com if I'm not single? Hmmm.

And then there's the point that JF brought up - am I single? That's what mine & CB's myspace says but am I emotionally involved?

It's been so long I don't even know anymore ...

Envy

"Many people would be envious of your position right now" my cousin says to me over email as I recount the misconstrued adventures of single life.

Envy is an evil word. We've all been it at a time and we've all been the counter to it. What is envy? The want to have something someone else has with out consideration of what it really is.

I have been the girl that envied people in my current situation, I have also been this girl before in which my friends recap to me that they are jealous and envious to have multiple people after me at the same time. It might seem selfish and misconstrued, but this is nothing to be envious of.

Most people have enough problems dealing with one person, but here I am trying to juggle a decision based on three. When it comes to one you deal with yes or no without having a back up option, here I have to deal with three people that each give me a point that I need, but none have all three points.

RS - sweet, dear RS. I have the unbelievable sexual attraction to but I'm a dirty secret. Our relationship will never be more than lust.

BG - I have the undying friendship, the palm of my hand character where he does what I say at the drop of the hat - but no sexual want or desire to want. #1 points out that this is due to the fact that there's no chase, which could be true.

and CB - I thought I had a sexual attraction to, but due to the chase it's wavered and due to his current position of a card holding member of the V-Club, the chase seems even more off. Now I have to consider things like his last relationship was 6 years ago and they didn't even have a physical relationship - what if we end up having one and it ends up not being right? What will that due to him? Is this a game I even want to play? But then again I've never relaxed enough with anyone else and what if this was it?

I am envious of the girl with one choice, one person that fits or doesn't and the decision to stay or go. Here I want to keep all three to get everything I need in a selfish way that keeps 2 of the 3 hearts open. I'm playing an unfair game all for myself. Talk about being selfish.

So I'm in Madison today and I pray to God to help me make this selfish decision. I've opened myself to the idea of a relationship with CB, yet my needs aren't getting fulfilled and my gut puts up that big red stop sign. And I'm in Madison and all I think about is Armani and how I want to smell that all over me once again. Can I stop this affair if I commit myself to a relationship that seemingly goes no where? I'm trying to concentrate on work, but every time I close my eyes I feel his hand on my throat, the pulling of my hair, the way it feels to cum like that. His hot breath in my ear, the look on his face when he cums and it's all purely physical but I want it, I want it right now.

So I text, "Lunch?" And he says, "When?" As I type a response I tell myself that if it doesn't work today, I'll let it go and pursue CB, "1:30" I respond, he says "Today? I can't - this week isn't good" and I try to convince myself that this is the answer.

So I email CB that I'm busy this week, but not tonight and tomorrow. Maybe we could watch Heroes at his house tonight as I secretly plan to enact what I dreamed about this weekend.

Then I text back to RS, "Balls in your court - figuratively & literally" to which he responds to let him know when I'm in town again, I respond "Not sure with moving next week, evenings are lax - willing to drive if you're willing to make me cum." He responds in moments, "Sweet! Will do my best as always." I respond that my pink jacket and boots are in the car.

And I wait, praying that CB will answer the email and I'll be at his house at 7. I'll walk in and just jump him, see if passion exists and if it doesn't, then I'll let go and check one off of the list.

Dreams

I'm not sure what triggered it. The rose perhaps? The conversation on Saturday night with my boss in which I told her I struggle with the idea of a relationship with CB because I don't know if I have feelings? She tells me it's obvious I do since I put up with all this bull shit with out getting laid.

But exhausted and home at 2:30am on Saturday (sober I might add), I slip on my pajamas - a not sexy pair of flannel pants and an Old Navy pull over and I snuggle in with my teddy bear and head off to dreamland.

In my dream it's Monday and I've worked all day in Madison. My TV is still out but I really want to see Heroes (I'm beyond addicted - that's reality). I've arranged to meet CB at his place at 7, the show starts at 8. I'm wearing black heeled boots, the ones that make me feel sexy. He buzz's me up. I wait in his door, he answers and asks how my weekend was. I grab him by his shirt, sit him down on the couch and jump on top. I tell him that I know he had a long day and to not do anything, sit back.

I kiss him and it's terrible. I tell him not to do anything, just let me kiss him. It's wonderful. I place his hand on my back and I kiss him deeply. My hand glides to his side and I touch my cold hand on his warm stomach.

And then I wake up.

It dawns on me that the way this relationship goes, I have to tell and do out right what I want - no games. So maybe this is my way in (or his way in - depending on how you look at it).

Happy Sweetest Day ...

he said, and then he called me Christina.

The Smell of Armani on Skin

So I spent Friday, Saturday and Monday with CB. On Friday I decided to choose him, on Saturday I decided to tell him that what I needed to make this work and let him know that I was willing to choose him, on Monday I waited for the results.

So what do I need to make it work? It's completely cliche - but the little things. The arm around me at the game, the look, the emails. I've been the dirty secret too many times and I refuse to be it again. I admit this history makes me not realize good things when I have them, but I also firmly believe that these little things will be the things that matter.

Monday I questioned what I wanted, how I have been behaving and in all honesty - I can't find a reason to why I would want things to change. I contemplated this all the way to our Madison office. Why do I suddenly have this want for a boyfriend? Yes, it's the holiday season and I'm in a lot of organizations which means a lot of parties I need a date for. Yes, it would be nice to not drive over an hour just to get some one-on-one time. But those are the only two things that I could justify and #1 is my arm candy and RS is my booty call.

On the way to deliver apples there was some text banter with RS and before responding I would think to myself, this is wrong - you've made your decision.

On the way home I thought about it more as I dropped a co-worker off. I turned around to get clarification.

It was the same repetitive nature that I have repeated for the last two months. Small talk as I removed my boots, the look out of the corner of my eye when I caught just the way he looked in that button down shirt and baseball hat. That tender look and expectation as we tried to figure out where we fit. Then he grabs me and puts me against the cold wall and his hands are on my neck and our lips are touching. My hand glides down his shirt as we're engulfed in pssionate kissing and we head to the bedroom.

I get undressed, "Am I being presumptuatious?" No he says. His hands are on my sides, his mouth on my breasts and I lean back to think to myself how nice it is to feel sexy and wanted. To feel strong hands on my skin. Rough hands. Warm hands. He knows how to make me crumble.

At the moment that he was standing and I was on the bed as he glided in and out I felt my legs spasam and he stopped, I looked and yelled "No!" He smiled and said he was sorry, my back arched and warmth invaded my chest. I climbed on top of him.

Getting my legs backed my warm breath echoed in his ear, "tell me how to make you cum." And five minutes later he did.

We laid naked for 15 minutes, touching and talking about how it's almost snowing and that means skiing and boarding. We talked about work and the surgeries I had gone under and the ones he was getting. I touched his shoulder and asked how it was feeling. It felt strange to know so much about someone and to be so intimate with them, but still be so distant from any sort of real relationship. His phone rang, he had to go back to work. He kissed me sweetly and we got dressed. Before he put his shirt on I rested my head on his shoulder and glanced at this tattooed arm, I kissed him and said thank you. As I pulled away I smelt his cologne, the sweet smell of Armani Black.

He washed the smell of sex off his body as he prepared to work as we joked and kissed. He wrapped my scarf around my neck and we left. I drove home thinking about what had just happened, telling myself that this is what I want - this is my life - this is what makes sense. Am I his dirty little secret? Yes. But I know it can't be more which some how makes my actions okay.

I was exhausted when my car pulled into the drive. It was windy and I could smell his cologne on my skin and scarf. I stood outside for just a minute longer and closed my eyes remembering what it was like to feel the way I did. I smiled.

I took a warm shower before bed to rest my aching body. The steam of the shower rolled his smell of my skin. The washer rolled the smell out of my clothes. Just like that, no one will know. But when I smell Armani, I smile.

When I woke up at 6am, I took another shower - just to be sure that my night's affair was hidden from anyone's expectations. I went to work. On the way contemplating my judgements last night, but having no regret. While it was nice to think that I could be wanted by someone and have someone, it was better to be realistic and happy with how I am now.

I had a meeting at 7:30 at the coffee shop in CB's building. I sat in the cozy chair and sipped my soda speaking with my students and their other mentor. A knock on the window, a smile on his face and I went from certainity that I had made a right decision to the feeling that for once I was getting cheated on - maybe I had just cheated. My heart fell a bit. I justified it to myself, we aren't in a relationship - even our myspaces both say we're single. I didn't cheat, but I may have cheated myself into thinking that I may be better off.

I have no idea of the next steps. In the ideal world I would continue my affair while justifying my friendships with BG & CB as just that and then one day, RS would look at me and tell me that we should take this seriously. And then I'd work through the guards and let my walls down. But in reality, I protect myself from any kind of stability because I fear it, I've convinced myself it won't happen and I tarnish it when it will.

Friday will tell of the little things, if CB can come through I'll choose him. If he doesn't then I'll be back in his bed on Monday.

Recap for conversation's sake.

So quick recap ...

I had a "grown up" conversation with CB on Saturday. I told him I needed to know what was wrong with me that we've been seeing each other for 4 months and haven't done anything but kiss. I laid it out on the line, I'm a grown woman and I need to have sex.

You can only imagine his reaction. "Umm ... did your car break down?" (It was 1am)

My response, "You need to have some confidence. You need to realize you are hot, have a job, own a house, have a car and are sweet - those are the 5 criteria any woman needs."

A little bantering and persuading led to his explanation of why things haven't progressed, bitter relationships and - oh, there's this whole thing that he hasn't actually done THAT yet.

Talk about feeling like a whore ... but he said that he understood and he wanted to see this thing through, and yes, he'd like to have sex.

Relief! I chose the right guy - right?

Then Monday came with and we all gathered at a friend's house to watch the football game, he joined and didn't touch me. I thought we had this conversation about being with each other and I got a peck on the lips.

Then the phone calls came from the people at the party - are you with him? are you not? Why didn't he touch you? You looked cute? What's his deal? And all the excuses in the book couldn't salvage the answer - did I make the right decision? No.

Yes, he could change and get more comfortable but that's not him and that's not me. I'm instantly comfortable with people, I'm a flirt, I'm a cuddler, I'm an extrovert - he's an introvert and this time the ying and the yang don't compliment.

The true fact is that it's the little things that matter and the cold facts are the little things don't to him.

and breathe ...

After two 11 hour work days, I got to leave a couple hours early today. I met J out, who is now dating SC, and we caught up. I called CB at 2:00 to let him know I was interested in hanging out and then J & I bar hopped until 6.

Around 5:45 I was a bit buzzed & horney and with no word from CB, I toyed with the idea of going to Madison. J told me to hang tight until 6:00 and then go. At 6 we left the bar and I craved some coffee. She went to the bathroom and I paid for my drink, preparing to go to Madison for RS.

Then my phone rang, it was CB asking if I wanted to go by his place or see a movie - I opted for the first and brought a movie with. Nothing much happened but the usual, and I realized being with him makes me relax. We snuggled and when I left, we kissed. Granted, I want to screw him pretty darn bad, but if we're not at that point - I'm willing to wait.

Take 5 for MG

#1 informs me this morning I need to take time for myself and figure somethings out, so here's my take 5.

What makes you happy?
My job and (because of it) my industry.
My friends, because now "I know people" and "I'm kind of a big deal"
Learning to relax, credited to CB who actually makes me do it on the weekends.
The fact that I'm actually going to be a grown up.
Rainy days - but not snowy days.

What doesn't make you happy?
Besides the usual bills?
Not having enough time in the day.
The fact that I'm a bad cat mom because of my schedule.
Not knowing why I either have multiple guys or no guys.
The consistant judging of my body by myself.

If you could change 5 things, what would they be?
My days.
My lack of sane judgement when it comes to my personal life.
My body (or put more time in the day so I can work out)
Letting go (learning how to)
Nothing else. I'm happy.

What can you do to change those 5 things?
Reschedule my time and become organized.
Start making sane decisions, start by making a regular decision.
See above, schedule time to work out.
Remember that the past makes you who you are and who you are will never change, so you might as well let go of the past.

How do you think others see you?
As a fun girl.
As a cute girl.
As a single girl.
As someone that almost has things together.
As a friend that they can talk to at anytime.

What five things would you want right now?
A little more cash in the savings account.
A foot rub.
A TV.
My cat to sleep in bed with me.
A relationship.

Looking back on this list of 5, what have you learned?
If three guys are after me, I can't be that bad looking.
To get over myself.
Spend more time at home.
That what was wrong 6 months ago was my job.
I've learned a lot from CB and I'm not ready to stop.
I need to believe in myself and see myself as others see me.

When I Grow Up...

I'll get a college education.
Check.

I'll get a good job, that I enjoy.
Check.

I'll be able to pay all my bills.
Check.

I'll move out of my dad's house.
Check.

That's right - I'm moving!

Went apartment shopping today and found the cutest place on the planet. I wrote a check and I move in two weeks!

All the things I wish I could say

To CB:

I don't understand why when I'm with you I feel so comfortable, so sexy and so wonderful all at the same time when your actions and your words don't say it for me. It's a poise, a respect, an uncharted area. I find you insatiable, but don't try to over come you with my sexuality. I find your intellegence delightful and your respect of my culture even more so. You understand my schedule, you understand my life. I want to just be with you which is something I haven't honestly said ever in my entire life. I'm trying to damage these feelings due to all sorts of past relationships because they've never gone this way. I've always been a toy, but now I feel like a real person. I'm sorry for sleeping with RS and for kissing BG, it was my defense mechanism to push myself from any sort of feeling. The truth is, I have no want to repeat any action - I just wish you'd say you want me to be with you. Then I'd stop.

To BG:

Our friendship is so amazing. We laugh and we talk about politics, crass sexuality, work and play. I know when you hang out with me you're doing it because you like me as a person and want to know what it would be like for more. The truth is I was out of line when I kissed you, but I did it to see if I was missing something that everyone else kept telling me I was. I think you're great - but I want to just be friends and explore my relationship with CB.

To RS:

I am angry with myself for not being patient for you. I don't know if anything would have came of it, but I believe we would have been happy. Due to your hang ups our relationship goes from passion to flat in just a couple of days. I could never be more than sex to you but I deserve to be. I look back at my mistakes with you and desperately am trying not to repeat them with CB. I love being your friend, the sex is amazing (you have a GREAT cock) but I need to put this on reserve until I figure out who I should be with.

To #1:

I am so glad that everything that has happened between us has happened. The falters we had in our relationship has made our friendship so close. I wouldn't trade you for anything and I hope you feel the same.

To J:

I'm sorry for the blow out a week ago, nothing was really your fault you just got caught in the crossfires. When we went out Friday night I realized I missed you. I'm angry with you at chosing SC over me that night, but I understand how close you are. I'm angry at SC for sleeping with R and putting her health in danger and your heart. No man is worth either. I wish you would look in the mirror and see the beautiful girl that I do and come to realize that you deserve someone who wants to be with just you. You are amazing, I inspire to be as full of character as you.

To my boss:

I am so happy I took my job with you. I wake up in the morning excited to go to work and I leave sad. You have taught me the joys of the industry when I hated it. You've opened my eyes to your creativity and enlightened me in the ways of friendship and business. I owe my life to you, literally, because I was at my end contemplating suicide when you came through with the offer. Now I look back at what I would have missed out on and realize there are people who love and care for me.

To my mom:

I'm sorry I don't spend enough time with you. Looking back, I've always wanted to be you and I like to think that my emotions, my drive and my personality all come from you. I think you are beautiful and wonderful. I'm sorry for my short comings but I'm proud of your support through it. I am truly blessed.

To my dad:

I fully realize that I may never be the person you want me to be but thank you for accepting who I am over the last three months. We've had our ups and downs but I couldn't imagine my life with out you. The scare last year put your meaning into perspective, your acceptance has given me life. I'm sorry that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, have the income you think I deserve or the relationship that would make your heart melt. But I'm proud to say I have your eyes and mouth and your passion. I think you and mom raised a great person.

To my sister:

We've never really gotten along until the past two years. I'm glad we have great stories of our hatred, but I'm even happier that we have moments that show we care. When you found out I might never be able to have kids, you offered to carry them for me because you knew deep down I always wanted them even though I say I don't. The way you care for your friend's daughter after she passed away is amazing. You will always be the parent that I envy when we finally have kids. As for your love life, I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't always there and you deserve someone that is. But when he looks at you he adores you - I think everyone should aim for such passion.

To my older brother:

I've always admired you I just wish you'd admire yourself more. There is no other person with the tolerance you have and I'm sorry your emotions stay bottled up. When I saw you cry last year, I fell apart and I haven't seen you cry since. You seem like a rock when you are really just a teddy bear. It's okay to be a teddy bear.

To my younger brother:

I have always felt the need to protect you since you were small. I fail to realize now that you are 20 that you are an adult and can make decisions. Thank you for chosing us over your biological father. I'm sorry I butted in to that relationship but it was only because I felt the need to protect you from being hurt and I also did it because I didn't want to be hurt. You are 20 now, you need to realize you are a man and change your attitude towards life. People can only take you so far, you need to take yourself further. You are one of the greatest people on earth and you need to start believing it.

These are things I wish I could say but can't for some unknown reason. I would hope that I do at some point, but if not, perhaps each person will bump into this and understand who I really am.

Why don't they have breathalyzers on cell phones?

Seriously. How much stupidity would be stopped if your phone told you that you were too drunk to complete the call. Certain numbers would be "safe" like 911 & taxi services, but could be, would be and were significant others would definitely be on the no call list.

I made an A** out of myself. I was drinking, called CB & ranted about the chick, he told me I was drunk and got irate. I emailed this morning to confirm that I was and I was sorry for being a jerk. Hey, did my part. In true fashion - no return. Did I mention I was out with BG at this time and I may have kissed him ... crap.

Seriously, manufacturers get breathalyzers on phones! PLEASE.

When Screwdrivers don't help

One beer, 3 screws later and I'm on the phone with CB informing him of TG. He doesn't buy it and insinuates I'm drunk/

So I make out with BG.

Which doesn't give me bubbles like CB, so what's a girl to do?

Blogger Beta?

So I upgraded to the Blogger Beta and originally was totally digging it.

You can use the templates and upgrade, so you don't look "run of the mill" and you don't need to know a ton of HTML.

But some of my buddy bloggers haven't upgraded so I can't comment :( So BZ! Awesome job baby! Rock those organizations with your beauty, charm & intellect!

On the drive home

I was thinking to myself - what happened to me? Seriously. The me three years ago was awesome and everytime I feel like I'm almost there, I fall back.

The old me:

Didn't fall in love or want to fall in love
Was dedicated to her job
Was dedicated to working out
Always had numerous friends at any given point going out with her
Had money

Where is that me? And how do I get it back?

Even God thinks Madison is a Bad Idea.

I opted to arrange a meeting in Madison on Thursday at 1:00 for release and clarification. CB hasn't emailed me since my slightly passive aggressive response and TG emailed a decline to my informal meeting, stating that she had to work late by attending a play. Um okay.

I was going about my business as usual and started not feeling entirely well - I ate chicken and blamed it on that. Went to the bathroom and OH. God informed there would be no sex tomorrow in Madison.

I guess signs do come and I won't be at 1:00 ...

It has come to my recent realization ...

that I might be an idiot. And this comes to me over wings and friends.

Recapping the whole "territory" event that occured, I filled in a friend-of-a-friend the back story of BG. All three people commented that I should perhaps skip of the CB and go for BG. If I wanted to "engage in adult behavior" nine months ago, I had to be a tad bit attracted. Now I'm starting to think...

I got home and TG (territory girl) emailed me, she wants to join my committee for the event I discussed in class. Oh, suga, I know this game - remember the drama with R & J, it's kind of what happened there. J befriended R because she was cool & also to keep a close eye on her.

What to do, what to do. Of course, I emailed and told her she is more than welcome to come to our informal event meeting on Thursday. If the other committees want to steal her - they are more than welcome to - but in the meantime I don't know what is going on so I gotta play it cool and see where things go. Lord, what if she brings CB to this thing? I don't think she's THAT good at this game or that he's THAT stupid to realize that I wouldn't be there. We shall see what cards the dealer draws - which, who is the dealer in this game? I guess it's him since he has the control in the pivitol situation, right??

Why I am the best ex-girlfriend.

Seriously, guys - you can screw me over (even while screwing me) and I'll still be the nicest of peeps when they come around again.

#1, if you are a reader, is my best friend and also ex-boyfriend, miserable in his job so I finally swung an interview with him at my place of employment. Also, I've provided him plenty of a** to occupy his time.

An ex from a year ago, who was gay, is now hooked up with another gay friend of mine - they are getting married.

I've encouraged school, I've provided jobs, I've even provided love - when am I going to get mine! Erg.

My, my, my. The Art of Establishing Territory

Call it primitive nature, but there are ways to establish your territory without the hand-in-the-face, that-man-is-mine, head shaking turn and quick spin around.

Why yes. There are ways. And I got to experience that today.

Still maintaining the majority of my goodness, I've stayed in the city. I prepped last night for my speechs today and headed over to the college at 11.

Normal poise, I do my routines - explain what I do now, how I got there, networking, etc then do a little plug at the very end for the new club I'm a member of.

Time was up - plugged the club and the girl in the front row stood up, hands on hip.

So you're MG. Do you know CB?

This caught me off guard as I shook my head.

Yeah. He mentioned you & this club. He's really nice. I'm an intern with him.

He's good stuff.

That's right, he took a class with you. He comes over to my desk all the time and he's teaching me how to use it. He's always over when he's bored.

Slowly I placed my computer in my bag,"yup he's good stuff."

The words are only 1/2. If you've ever seen someone establish territory, you understand the importance of the hands on the hip, right foot in front a bit and the stern look in the eye. This tells the reciepent the same thing as "B*tch, that's my man."

The professor looked at me after she left and inquired to what that was about - being that we are friends, I inform her, "That guy I've been seeing? - That's who she was talking about."

She shook her head - "Looks like you're not the only one and she just established some major territory!"

Eek. Trying not to go to Madison ...

The Wheels Turn. An Answer to be Had. Unrequited Love.

After years of not ever being good enough, I convinced myself that I was one of those people that wasn't meant to be in a relationship, that I was the person only meant to change lives.

While in college, I read a classical story in which the gods deemed certain people life changers. While they walked the earth as mortal humans they were never meant to do anything but touch peoples lives and put them on the right path.

My first relationship is what convinced me that I was not ever going to be good enough. I was told on a daily basis that I would never find anyone better, someone who accepted my multiple faults, I would never be thin enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I left.

My next series of relationships fulfilled the prophecies. I was never any of those things that my ex had said. Even when I finally got that boyfriend after two years of being alone, I still wasn't better than the groupie girls, the drugs, the time. It was then that a series of events followed that made me think of that story.

Phone calls followed from exs that told me I helped them switch jobs, go back to school, learn it was okay to fall in love and a thank you was in order. That's when I told myself I wasn't ever meant to be one of those happy couples with the white picket fence and the 2.3 kids and the suburban mansion - I was the catalyst to help those that needed it fulfill it.

And then there was him. To help make sure that love would never be had, I set criteria that would be almost impossible to fulfill. Last name in the upper part of the alphabet, tattoos, balding, no taller than me in heels, piercings, winter sports, baseball fan - just to name a few. And in the moment I found that guy - I immediately dated his friend.

A year later we met up, we hooked up. I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't just made to change people - maybe I was made for him. And then I wasn't.

Fast forward six months and I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough again and I developed a sex kitten persona. I would show him I was everything in the bedroom so I could be nothing in real life. The creation of my relationship with RS.

And now there is someone new. After Friday, I realized that I actually really like, really care for CB. That perhaps I need to stop self destruction and actually believe that I wasn't the person meant to change lives and that I could be happy.

After bantering text messages all weekend, I forced myself to not take that drive. I told myself that I didn't need to go to Madison to see him. Then there was this morning. I fought the urges, kept myself occupied (strongly with the help of my friends) but I did decide that if I didn't hear from CB I would drive tonight.

It was my mom's birthday, so we all went and ate and drank and had family time. I didn't feel extremely well, partially due to the fact that I didn't eat healthy and partly because I internally struggled with what my decision would be in 3 hours. I decided to leave. I grabbed my phone, 2 missed calls.

One was from CB, so here I sit. Proud of myself for the answer to be had, I didn't make the drive. I left myself open. And the wheels turn to a new beginning.

And the drama continues. Plus an update.

First the drama. Holy crap, I need to keep my mouth shut as R has brought in the horses.

She ended up myspacing (f*cking Myspace) J, who responded that she can't trust anyone anymore (mainly me, of course) and she's laying low and isn't sure how she got involved in the whole thing. Honestly, she was just a bystander but to me she chooses her companions and obviously if he is this type of person to (a) someone he's known for 6 years and (b) someone he's slept with - what makes her special?

In the one sense, one thing did get blown out of proportion, I never had mentioned SC spreading rumors about R's weekend, just that he mentioned it was what he thought. That got out of hand and I take full responsibility.

I'm so tired of it. So sick of it. My hororscope said today "Things happen for a reason ... and in good time you'll know what that reason is." Hopefully "in good time" is soon.

Anyhow, in update news ...

BG left the funniest drunk voicemail Friday, after listening to only a minute of the 5 I woke JL up to enjoy the humor. As the message played it got funnier towards the end - but then he said, "I'm kind of scared ... umm ... I like you." Click.

I sat with my jaw wide open, I was not expecting that whatsoever. Especially since not but 6 hours before I heard it I was with CB.

So backing up a second, Friday CB joined me out and we had a great walk - turns out the relaxation got to me a bit more than I thought and I ended up passed out shortly there after. There was no kissing, as usual.

Saturday he invited me to a house party, but again - I fell asleep.

Sunday we went to the game and there was basically nothing happening. I dropped him off at home and decided I was done. I couldn't handle not knowing and the little things that count to me haven't been happening.

Monday I went out with #1 when CB called as I was explaining how done I was - turns out on Friday I invited CB to BG's gig. Crap. In shock I said, "I invited you to that?" And to recover I mentioned I didn't know how I'd feel - I would be having surgery.

Tuesday I woke up with a hangover. I won't recount the events in yesterday's post but that basically summarizes it.

Fast forward to this Friday, BG is in DC and CB and I made plans to go out with R. In the meantime, I'm finishing up work when I get an IM, "WRUW?" from RS.

Shocked, RS mentioned he thought I was mad because I hadn't called in 2 weeks. I explained after the last blow off the ball was in his court. This through me for a loop!

I toyed with the results of Friday - if it were bad, I'd go to Madison, but we had a blast and I ended up kissing CB which led to making out all night long. He's even getting better! So i've stayed in MKE all weekend! Yeah me!

Why friends shouldn't do other peoples friends.

So much to write ... sorry for the lack of updates; however, there's been a hell of a lot of lack of sleep and, of course, a good handful of drama. Where to start?

J has been seeing a friend of mine for a couple months now, who is a NOTORIOUS womanizer, and so not monogamous - even when he likes someone. He even has been known to pass a girl on to a friend and then break up with her because she "cheated" on him. We're going to call him SC or self-centered.

For the most part I haven't minded their relationship, it seemed to be "fun" and not serious. Well, then SC started seeing another friend of mine, R, and things got weird. J knows R, but has never mentioned that all while SC was hanging out with R she was messing around with him too.

Well, SC & J were out at a bar and SC introduced a "friend" - FYI, another girl he's messing around with on the side and made it clear to J that he wasn't ready to settle down. She did the right thing and told him she needed to step back, he got offended and left her at the bar. Thank God I was there, because I drove her back.

I'm not sure why, but J then continued to mess around with SC and we got the 1/2 brained scheme to make up a dude to just give him a piece of his own medicine. Well, in natural fashion, it didn't go over well.

Fast forward to Tuesday, I had surgery which did not go well. Another round in biopsy land and found out that I have to have 3 more done, under sedation. A bit upset, I called J and said that I hoped she could drive me to & home from surgery and I couldn't wait for some girl time at 6:30 (we were supposed to meet up and see BG's band play later and she was, for once, going to drive, since I wasn't feeling up to it). Well, about 1/2 an hour later she calls saying that her and SC were going for a ride and they would meet up with me after 6:30. Pissed, I told her to just hang out with SC then, I'd go home. She called back and said she'd meet me at 6:30 with him. Well, they showed on his bike (so much for the ride) ... we had some dinner & drinks, I got stuck with the bill and then we headed out to the bar to see the band.

BG was setting up so I let him do his thing and we all played darts, in the mean time SC is being a dick. At one point I informed him that tonight wasn't actually about him - it was about me. This didn't stop him.

We went into the bar and got a table, I got a beer. CB showed up (turns out I invited him on Friday when I was a little drunk) and J turns to me to inform me that her & SC were fighting and needed to leave. I told her to let him leave, I'd drive her back, she insisted that they needed to leave. I told her this wasn't about them, tonight was about me. She apologized saying that she'd make it up to me and promptly left me sitting at the table.

I left shortly after, but was still incredibly pissed. I called SC & J, leaving them a similar message along these lines ...

I'm incredibly pissed at you right now. Tonight was not about SC & J, it was about a supposed friend that had surgery and got bad news. I don't understand how our friendship works. So I can see you guys, we go out every week and I pay because you're broke, when you fight, I talk to you in the middle of the night. I had surgery for godsake and you can't even hang around with me? This friendship is ridiculous. You're a shitty friend.

I promptly went home and deleted SC as my friend on myspace, juvenile - yes, but I was over our friendship.

Fast forward to the morning after and an array of text messages from J.

J: Look, I told you I was sorry before I even left last night. I feel awful. But I didn't have a choice whether or not to stay. If I did I would have. Again, I'm sorry."

MG: Actually you did...you chose not to stay. You know I would've drove you.

J: I didn't want you to. Last week was embarassing enough AND my purse and keys were in his bedroom.

J:I will give you the money friday, you know I had it last night, things just got out of control. Again I'm sorry ...

MG: It doesn't matter anyhow and I don't want the money ...

J: It does matter. It all does. UR one of my best friends and I love you. I should not have left and I did for various reasons. But I can't change that. I'm sorry

Well, that was just the start. R myspaced me in the morning that she noticed SC wasn't one of my friends and she hoped he didn't delete me because of her (he deleted her that day as well). I emailed her back that he deleted her because he thought she messed around with another friend of ours this weekend. She said no, the only person that she's been sleeping with is SC.

Wait. What? SC had told J and me, more so incinuated to J and me, that he had not slept with her. J had informed me that he had the HPV strain that gives you genital warts and, as a friend to her and because HPV has ruined my life, I needed to tell R. I side stepped and asked if they used a condom - turns out he insisted that they not because she was on the pill. I told her to get tested, he had genital warts. Okay, probably not smart but I would expect someone to tell me if the tables were turned.

After hanging out awhile, I called J, realizing sh*t was about to hit the fan big time. I left her a message, Listen, as your friend I will let you know that I went out with R tonight and there's somethings you should know. R & SC have been having sex, he insisted on them not using a condom. I told her about the STD, she also didn't sleep with X and, by the way, SC insisting she's psychotically text messaging and calling him - turns out he starts those conversations, I saw the call & text log.

Of course I haven't heard anything from her, nor do I intend to. In a way SC and her are perfect for eachother, but in another way I just know she's screwing up friendships and he'll end up screwing her - both figuratively and actually - and she'll have no one to turn too.

Fishing in a pond.

See September 12 post for why I'm talking about fish and ponds.

So I took up my real and dipped it into a new pond and the fish bit quiet rapidly. But then I got all excited and went to another pond, and that fish bite right away. Well the first fish grew legs (or balls for that matter) and walked over while fishing at the pond and now, presto, my pole is in too many ponds at one time.

Here's the run down. Fish #1 - or CB - and I had a great weekend, again. He has not called/emailed or anything since then.

So I toy with Fish #2 - or BG - which notoriously means that CB isn't far behind.

And then there's Fish #3 - or RS - who is way the hell in Madison.

And I may have dipped my toes into the water last night after the tailgate into pond 4 for another fish - just for fun (or JF).

So, I posted about Friday. I ended up sick on Saturday/Sunday this weekend, but it really didn't matter since no one called anyhow. On comes yesterday and our tailgate party.

I picked up #1 (as in the guy - not the fish) related the story to him to which he points out, "These are the days of MG's life." Nice, ha ha ha.

The boys were having fun yaking it up with the people at our party and I was talking to a friend that I've known for about 6 months. When I first saw him on our bowling leagues (I know, I know - another one), I wanted him. But my boss got him and we just became friends. He's since made out with NUMEROUS amounts of my friends, me not included. We kept joking about making out all night long and we may have kissed at the bar in Miller Park - but nothing serious.

Then came the after bar, which I was bored (driving - so not drinking) at so I turned to JF and said, "I'm bored - want to make out." 1/2 heartedly joking and 1/2 serious, because I was bored and everyone said he was a great kisser. So why not try? We disappeared for 20 minutes and made out like 8th graders - although, he did touch my boob (on the outside of my shirt of course) so he's gotten further in one night then CB in 2 months ... but I digress.

I got kind of bored with that as well. The kissing was good, but it was nothing like RS. So we went back upstairs. I pumped his ego a bit, "you're a pretty good kisser - I give you that." He replied, "Yeah -about that. You. Wow." To which I made a coy comment along the lines of a BJ and a wink and kept walking.

We left the bar shortly after. I got a text message on the way home, "Get home safe. You're a damn good kisser, just so you know." There was banter of me going over there but I opted to spend the night in my own bed instead.

Well today I sent pictures to everyone at the outing and he responded with "Thanks chickie. Had a great time last night." To which the banter included that we could do it again tonight, I'll be in his hood. After a bit of back and forth he ends up sending me this email ...

"Let's keep this between you and me. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, I just don't want any false perceptions about me any where. I'll do the same and not say anything either. Am I being weird here?"

WHAT? Brakes. Okay, that's weird. I replied that I agreed (because I do) because I didn't want CB or BG to find out about it either. Hey - I'm a dirty little secret again? Not so happy with that.

The Results Are In

Here's how today went.

CB never contacted me after yesterday, a little perterved I told BG that my client ditched me and I'd love for him to spend the evening with me.

BG met me at my friend's party, to which the birthday boy exclaimed that I had taken his place (he's in love right now) as "Big Daddy," as he's notorious for starting the evening with one date and ending with another. I said that we would see since CB hadn't even called back.

As usual, me and BG were having a good old time and we went to the event. It was nice of him to starve through it for me - it's not his cup of tea. As we went in, I spotted CB but ignored him looking for a seat in the packed house - until I felt a tap and he was behind me. Turns out he had saved some seats and BOTH BG and CB sat down on opposite sides of me.

I enjoyed the lecture, but BG didn't - or he sensed that I really liked CB and wanted to give me space. I wanted to attend the reception as did CB so BG went to the bar (are you following this?) and I went to the reception.

It was amazing tonight, the breeze was just enough to cuddle slightly in but still be outside. CB was amazed at my knowledge of art and classics and invited me to a big art showing in Chicago in November (that's right - 2 months out?) - which I said yes to (of course). We spent some time looking at the work at the reception hall and I noticed I missed 2 calls.

Turns out BG didn't like the bar and had my car - so he was about 3 blocks over. Then our mutual friend, N had called saying she was at the bar where my friend's party was and we should come out. I made no mention of CB, but convinced him to come out for one.

I walked into the bar with not 1 - but 2 - guys. Eek. I wanted BG to give me space, but he affirmed that he really wanted to be with me - double eek. N came up to me, declaring she needed to go to the bathroom - NOW and with me.

This is where she informed me she had just spoken with CB and he told her that he really likes me and wants to formally ask me out (ohh). Confused, I attended to both gentleman like a lady (and not a lady of the night).

BG left to meet friends and CB and I talked on the way home. He's adorable - damn it. Crap. BG left me a voicemail to please call when I got home or if I was going to the bar he was at.

In front of CB's place, he kissed me - and it was good. Maybe because of what N had said, or maybe because we were sitting. Either way, I didn't drive to Madison for a piece of a$$.

I called BG and made plans for Wednesday when my friend JL is in town and informed him I was home.

That's the results :)

A Conundrum.

There is an event tonight that I really want to go to, lacking a social contact for it and not hearing it mentioned by my peers, I asked if BG would like to attend, to which he said yes. We planned dinner, the event and a birthday party for a friend.

After not hearing from CB for almost a week, I gave up and thought this to be a steadfast plan. Thought it was.

I got an email yesterday morning from CB explaining his delay in contact - and inviting me to attend an event Friday (tonight) that he would be attending. Hmmm. It's the same event! Being incredibly shy, I knew that if I told him that I was going with BG (who he knows) he would never ask me out again. So I tried to think it through.

Even though he's not the best at this whole dating thing, I still for some reason like him so I opted to tell BG that I had to go with a client (technically not a lie - CB is a client of my company). He thought it to be no big deal and said he was going to go with a friend any how ...

So now they are both going. Hopefully CB isn't BG's friend, wouldn't that make for a funny story where I don't come out of my room for 2 weeks.

In the meantime, CB hasn't responded to my response. Hello, it's Friday. What time are we going, where are we meeting? Geez. It's not that hard of a concept to grasp kiddo! So I'm apt to just go with BG anyway and screw this whole deal.

The return of Karaoke Tuesdays - And my 215th post!

I introduced J to karaoke Tuesdays - it's been over a year since my normal stink but Kurt let us sing a ton - she's hooked! As I mentioned, it doesn't matter how you sing as long as you sing fun songs - well, hey, J has a great voice so screw that rule for her!

We had a blast. It momentarily got my mind off CB and if I screwed it up. It's one of those things when you just wished you knew. But past is past, and he has warn on my patience so it's time to fish damn it!

What the?

I almost wonder if CB might be a reader of this blog. No phone call or email since our weekend and it's been beyond the Swinger's 3 day rule. I guess it was a good thing I went to see RS, at least I wasn't hanging on the moment with him - instead I was just fantasizing about how hot the kissing was. The, me-on-my-tippy-toes, just above his mouth, struggling to unzip my top and kiss him kiss. Yup. I've got a smile on my face.

So the few people that know what happened have not been happy with my choices. D is the only one supportive, which of course, by our rules she has to be and also re-incinuates that 220 miles between us still makes her the only one that knows me best. A lot of comments have been made along the lines of "why?" and all I can say is that I'm confused.

I have not really liked anyone ever, but here I like CB even though there is no explanation to why I do or would. He is not complimentative, he is not open, he is not overt. He is him and I like that. He's nervous around me, which I take as a compliment, he and I can talk which I tolerate as openess, and I'm such of an extrovert that his introvertive nature is welcome. He is very good looking. He is nice. He's just so different then anyone else. But whatever we have here is testing my patience.

In previous relationships, it's been based off of lust. Passionate kissing, man handling, late nights of drunken debauchery. I'm a generation Y person, I want something immediately. Our first kiss was already 7 weeks ago and we've only kissed twice since. By now I've gotten laid or he's at least touched my boob on the outside of my shirt. Not that this isn't welcome, it just is something new.

And then there is RS, who I immediately get naked with the moment I see him. The relationship is lust-induced, yet we have great conversation and he's fabulous to sleep next too. Granted, had my patience not wained when I met him 3+ years ago, I could have maybe been his girlfriend still to this day. I guess maybe that's the lesson to learn in all of this.

RS appeared the same as CB at the time I meant him. Extremely good looking, shy, nervous and he doesn't drink. When we finally kissed it was two years of built up sexual tension that exploded against the wall of his door way. Maybe that's what I should be holding out for with CB.

But now it seems that my patience was amiss or is completely wained to the point where I don't consider CB to be a prospect.

As #1 pointed out last night on the phone, "If you're at a fishing hole and you've got your pole and all the right bait and the damn fish doesn't bite - shouldn't you just go to the pond right next to it?"

So now I toy with the idea of the pond next to the one I've been sitting at for the last couple of months. The pond down about three roads and to the right. The pond where BG is waiting.

There's a house party his band is playing at (I know, I know, another band guy - eek) Saturday and I think I will go. Since this fish still isn't biting, might as well see if I can get one that will (and perhaps a little nibble on the ear lobe or the neck wouldn't be so bad).

Not Posting

I've been writing, but blogger hasn't been publishing - so if this goes through, it'll be a long one!

Where was I?

I was actually in Vegas over labor day weekend, partying it up with my mom and gambling 18 hours a day. We usually don't get too capped, but this trip I actually ended up puking from drinking. I guess I might be a party girl after all.

On the boy front ...

My mom has the best husband. While we were out of town he called to say that he missed her and hoped she was having fun. It actually made me kind of mad because no one was doing the same for me. I came to the realization that I actually want a boyfriend and it was time to change my ways and start behaving like I wanted a boyfriend.

Then I came back in town. You know what's weird about Vegas? My life stopped for 5 days. No networking events, email checking, call taking, etc. I just got up, went to the casino and gambled and drank. I never checked my watch - because there was no point. Our plane landed late on Wednesday and it was back to the same routine. Got home, jumped in the shower, went to a meeting, met my boss out to talk biz. Get up the next day and repeat.

I got back to work on Thursday, and there was an email from CB asking how my Vegas trip was. I thought to myself that he actually cared enough to ask and that was a pretty good sign. RS never even asked. Neither did BG, but couldn't blame him because I have been blowing him off.

CB and I finally went on a date Friday. Can't say there was fireworks. I was pissed. E had said she was proud of me for making that decision and all you had to do was ask the universe and you'd receive. I went to J's house and told her "F*ck the Universe." He had invited me out on Saturday to a big event and I thought I'd give it one more try.

Saturday came and it was a client's birthday party - so off I went to drink with J as my date because #1, of course, bailed last minute. Then we had another party to go to. Then we went to the event. CB was there and very attentive, we actually went out with his friends and had a blast. He kissed me in public, granted he was tipsy, and it was just a peck. I saw his new place and it was 1:00. Nothing happened, but I saw potential.

But not enough potential to not drive to see RS at 1:00 in the morning. I got to his house around 2:30 and we immediately started making out and ripping off each other's clothing. It was the hottest kissing ever. He's around my height and I stood on my tippy toes which made me a bit taller and kissed him from above his head. There was just a lot of craving going on, we hadn't seen eachother in about two weeks and it was intense, passionate. The thing that lacks for CB. We had crazy sex until 5:30 in the morning. I ended up falling asleep in his arms until 10am. Oops. That's a big no-no for the rules, so I snuck out and headed home with the worst headache.

I called J on the way back who wondered why I would have such a good time with CB and then turn around and go to RS. I don't have an explanation. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm not happy with the pace, maybe because I'm afraid. Not sure, it just happened. I figure there's no commitment, so it's not bad yet and maybe I just need to get this out of my system.