Recap o' Events.

Did you know that last Thursday started Spring? It was GORGEOUS. 40 plus degrees. I wanted to run REALLY bad, but couldn't do to events.

And you know what happened on Friday? 14 inches of snow. We closed the office and canceled my event. 14 damn inches.

I got off of work at 1:00 and decided I was not going to trek out to see Remmy, #1 and B - but then, I got stuck. In my alley. WAY stuck. 45 minutes stuck. The BF was out on the northside so he couldn't help out, so me and some kitty litter worked really hard on getting my tires to grip. I looked over at the parking lot and it was just the same, people stuck all over the place. I figured this was a word from above telling me to go out with my friends.

It took me about 45 minutes to drive 18 miles - but I finally arrived at Paragon for some drinking fun. Knowing the weather was bad and already having a slush-can't-see run in on the express way, I opted to take it easy ... until the BF called and I found out he was getting out of work early and would head on up to Stallis. That's when I decided drinking was a good idea - I mean, he could drive if I got trashed. So down the Captain and Cokes went.

A couple rounds of bags, a little flirtation, accidentally grabbing Remy's not-shot-glasses in his pocket, an hour long conversation with the dude next to me about car accident later I was sobered up and headed back to the BFs. He wanted sex, I wanted sleep. So that's what I did, on his couch.

About 3am I crawled into bed with him and slept soundly until he had to go to work. We both woke up incredibly horny from not really seeing each other all week. I can tell you this ... walking up to someone kissing your neck and grabbing your tits is awesome. A 20 minute romp in the sack, I was back asleep and he was off to work.

I woke up around 10am and headed home, did a little shopping and then got ready for the Pit's 1st year anniversary. I got the BF's, prepped the appetizers for Easter and watched Marquette lose by one point - than it was off to the Pit.

There was a pizza eating contest and lots of music, to which my lovely BF serenaded the whole bar and danced like a white dude. Too many mixed cocktails later, we decided it was a good idea to go to the casino.

4:30 in the morning later and $80 down, we headed home - climbed into bed and promptly snored ourselves to sleep, knowing in just a couple hours the race to each other's families was on.

We woke up at 10:00 and I couldn't wait to get it on. It had been over a week since I came and I needed it before I smiled joyfully at my family and talked about work and "what's new" twenty times over. About an hour into messing around I was disappointed in the hangover sex and looked at the BF who, as always, was joking that he wanted to throw it in my butt. "Fine. But I need to cum."

See the post above.

I ran home, changed into my dress and flipped open my phone as R called. She was at my door and wanted to get a shot at the High. She's done so much for me that I couldn't say no. So on went the strappy sandals and the spring dress and over to the bar. "Happy Easter!" Shot glass in the air, down the hatch and into my car I went.

Right in front of the gas station my "almost out of gas" light pops on and I pull up to the pump - only to see my tire is out of air. Shit.

Over the snow bank I go in my sandals and struggle to get the air hose over to my tire. Crouched in my dress the attendant comes out and fills it for me. Over to the pump and $45 bucks later I have a full tire and tank.

The BF didn't want to risk the chance of a slow leak, so we piled into his car and headed out to family one. Than to my family.

I've decided that after this it's a one-family a holiday event. I'll give up some if he will. All though he did say perhaps we could host Thanksgiving to ease it up a bit.

Clarity.

So first off, I shouldn't probably blog when I'm drunk, second off, the post wasn't about the BF below but a different encounter (me being the best friend referred to in the text) and just a bit of annoyance on the part of my friend.

I'll post more later!

What NOT to say.

When you’re drunk - you should NOT say:

"I can’t have sex - not because I’m tired - I’ll tell you later"

LATER COMES: "I have sores on my cock"

When talking about her best friend, and her date jokes about how she made out with him because he was drunk. Your comment in front of your girlfriend should not be "I guess I wasn’t drunk enough for her to make out with me."

ESPECIALLY IF YOU FUCKED YOUR WIFE'S BEST FRIED WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.

Oh - and not responding to the text, "I just want to be worthy of you actually loving me for me" also not smart.

In continuation ...

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need to get a good night's sleep tonight. It's so hard to be away from your own bed. I've been sleeping on the couch since both the dogs I'm sitting for want to sleep in the bed, making no room for me. My shoulders and neck kill and even just the point of being in a weird place makes you sleep less.

Today's fun adventure began at 6am and will end around 7. The BF would really like to go to the casino tonight, but I think I'm going to pass. It just doesn't make sense to spend money I don't have at this point - plus I'd prefer to be a good dog sitter anyway.

I need to get to the gym as well. Damn it's hard juggling all of these things! I'd love to do it over lunch - but, nope, meetings. After work? Nope, meetings. Before work? Are you kidding me? I'm getting up at 5:30am in Whitefish Bay, walking the pups, leaving at 6:30am, going to my house, feeding the cat, showering, getting ready, and going to work by 8:00am.

Sleep. Please!

Kit Kat Bar.

Give me a break, give me a break ...

Seriously. I'm exhausted. I'm also dog sitting this week in the hopes of having some extra cash before my $3K doctor's bills come. I wish I had the ability to see the future so I would have maxed out my Flex. Oh well, $500 is $500 towards it.

Let's see - life is boring as all hell. I can't wait for opening day.

I didn't take the job. All though the boss seemed like I should have and it's not like I got a "Please stay" incentive. Nope. Nada. Not even my fall vacation approved. But that's okay - I'm not regretting my decision, although the sales do suck this month so it's not looking like I'm getting my usual commission check.

So that's the work front. The BF front is same-old-same-old. I wish we'd do something exciting and thrilling - even if it's just a pin against the wall screw. Oh please, pin me against the wall and screw me!

Is this legal?

I came home today to change before my networking meeting tonight and my apartment door is wide open, lights on, windows open (with my heat on) and no one has told me they'd be there. This is the fourth time it's happened. Each time I've called my landlord and said, by law, I get 24 hours AT LEAST.

Now I want to call him and tell him that I'm done and want out of my lease since this is a continual problem - or at the very least, if it happens again - I'm moving. I mean for goodness sake, my cat could have run out of the house.

The only thing is I don't know if that's legal and I'm not sure if it should be a phone call or not. Maybe a phone call and a letter.

Anyone know??

Standing Next to a Cheater

So you’re husband spent $80K on hookers and you’re just standing by his side as he admits it to the whole entire world. What would people think?

I wouldn’t have done it. Not in a second. I would have taken a stance for women for the first time in political history and not been there as a punching bag of support. I admit that I didn’t vote for Hilary because of her reaction to Bill. I don’t stand for cheating. Never have, never will.

It’s something I can’t fully compute still and I’ve b*tched about it several times. This is what makes me distrust people. Although, I know people have their faults, it doesn’t mean I have to stand by you and look like an idiot when yours go public.

I’ve read the rhetorics - she has daughters she’s trying to protect, showing them that she’s there for their father. My response? Bull Sh*t. You’re telling your daughters that it’s okay for their husband to spend EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on high-end hookers and still be with them. Although it’s a little more far fetched - you might even be sending the signal that’s it’s okay to BE a high priced whore.

News Flash - IT’S NOT OKAY.

Even if they had sons, I feel like it would be the same message - it’s okay to cheat on your wife - look she’ll stand by your side no matter how many diseased pussies you shove your cock into. Isn’t that sweet?

I don’t buy it for a second. She’s afraid of the life she’ll lose if she leaves. The bank account, the housing, the "prestige" (although I’d argue that she’s not looking to prestigious right now). She’s standing by his side for sh*t.

This may not be what you want to hear ...

The BF and I have had our moments - served up here on a silver platter for that fact. And I was at my wits end and was ready to call truce and default into friendship. With out doing much though, my friendship blossomed into what was once my love.

Strange, that a little break from BF/GF made us realize how much we care about each other and want to be together. He went from dense-fuck to over-caring boyfriend. Especially with all the seizure crap that's been going on. So while he didn't spend the night on his last poker Tuesday, he did what I never thought he'd do - make time for me with his new schedule. Call me just to talk. Tell me he wanted me to come over. Offer to drive me to doctor's appointments. Tell me he loved me every day. Be guidance, be love, be more than any girl could ask for.

And ask me to move in.

Yeah. Turns out he might have to move in summer, so do I. He threw out that perhaps we should move in together. In fact, if I could get out of my lease, maybe I should move in sooner to his house while we find a place together. Wait? What?

Being that rent was about a grand this past month w/water and gas, plus I shoveled my booty off, this doesn't seem like a bad option. As long as we see each other, have sex, we're fine. This might be fantastic.

I'm not jumping into the pond head-first, fearing that it's a fleeting moment that he's known to have, but I'm keeping the options open.

Oh, and a friend of mine has to give up his dog. I'm in LOVE with his dog. I want to take her in, but the apartment doesn't allow it. So he looked at her and he wants to take her - not because I want her, but because she's a good fit. Secondly, because it would make his son happy and thirdly, because it broke my heart and he didn't want that.

Though, on the confusing front, there's been 2 conversations in the last week where he referred to whether or not I want kids - conversations that went (to his son) "don't you want brothers and sisters?" Kid - "Yes" BF "Well tell MG to get working on that." Me - HUH?

Or at my grandpa's birthday party this past weekend when my cousin announced that she was pregnant again, he said "When are we going to have kids?" Me - HUH? "When I get a ring, a wedding and a house."

But at dinner I asked him directly, "Do you want more kids?" His response, "Probably not."

Confused. But still gracious. Kids really aren't in my game plan anyway. But he could be. Maybe.

Oh? And I've slept like crap the last 3 nights, so here I am wide awake at home when I get a text, "Sleeping okay?" ME - "Wide awake." BF - "Go to my house and sleep."

Just what I needed.

AND ON SECOND NOTE:

WOS on Dayna's blog feels that the ad she might place on his home-wrecking revelation of a 3 month old son might benefit him in the divorce. My idea? Then F*ck it. I'll place the ad. Oh - and I have lots of unappealing, double chin shots of him. And if I can't find them - I know Photoshop. Piece of shit. Don't fuck with my girl. And my ad won't be that nice!

The Old Adage.

I told my boss today that I almost accepted that job - not because I wanted more money, but because I wanted her to know my dedication and hope she had the same to me. Of course, I mentioned that I would hope she would respect me enough to stop using the term "my age."

Because realistically, "when you were my age" cost of living was SIGNIFICANTLY lower. I mean, last I read, COL is up 40% in the last 10 years. Divide my income in half and that's technically what I was making at your age. Really, good money? I mean, I make a living. I get to do what I want. But I HATE THAT MY AGE is used so often. What about what I did for your company? How about saying, "You make good money for what you do."

Oh - and then she reverts back to her favorite adage which makes me never want to speak to her, "you always see the negative - that was a positive statement."

Pigs.

Men are idiots. Put your dick in a whore, get her pregnant - smart move. A**

Opening day is only a couple weeks away!

Smiles Dayna! Smiles!

Pissed off the neighbor.

If only this were a podcast and you could hear the angry rolling of paint against the walls in hall outside my back entrance and the angry spattering of paints on the plastic.

Yes, I narked on you.

That's right, it was for slightly selfish gains, don't get me wrong. I was hoping the work wouldn't be done, after all I would like to just move out into a humble abode where my gas/electric bills didn't total $203 for 58 degree heat or $102 for 3 minutes of hot water a day. Seriously, my total rental costs for just living this month were near $1000 - that's ridiculous, I could have a studio downtown or better yet, be developing a savings account.

So when the landlord said that "it's not within my budget" to replace the carpeting downstairs and argued against fixing the bathroom, I threw in there "Look, I'm a professional - my clothes can't smell like certain things when I go to work that the downstairs neighbors do on a regular basis." He kind of got the picture. And he did pay the maintenance guy (downstairs neighbor) to paint my walls in NOVEMBER and they still aren't done. Do I expect my new printer to be gone tomorrow when he comes into paint? Maybe.

I agreed to stay, it did dawn on me that I really have to give notice in May (60 days) - which is only, grab your seats folks, 1.5 months away. And, I bet I can negotiate an early release if there's a person interested in a 1 BR loft in the beautiful area of Bay View that doesn't mind spotted carpet and holy ceilings.

Shit. Just realized that I have to smell paint fumes tomorrow night. May have to arrange a sleep over. Poor kitty - like he doesn't get stoned off the pot enough.

Devil in a Blue Dress

If someone came up to you and offered you a guaranteed 4K more than you make now, with the potential of $30K more than you make in a year and said they'd also take away a lot of the Bull Shit you deal with on a daily basis, what would you think?

Here's the basic play. A offers me a job, tells me the rate, I say no. A comes back, offers me another job. I still say no. A comes back a third time and says, "Now you can make 30K more this year than you make now."

The job is a lot less hours, a lot less bull sh*t, a higher title.

My job now has a couple perks I wouldn't see - paid cell phone, Mac computer (there it's PC), industry I love, people I know, marketing and events.

But the two key perks in question - less crap and more money - are they worth trading that in? I love events & marketing, I sell so that I can do those things and generate more business. I hate dealing with the crap that's going on lately though - it seems like every time I minutely screw up people call it to everyone's attention.

What's a girl to do?

Continuing the change.

The BF did not come over Tuesday due to the on-set of a cold. It wasn't this item that ticked me off, it was that he should have said the likelihood was low and let me go to bed after my second 12 hour day - instead I not only stayed up to clean but also moved my car. Not cool.

Wednesday I got loaded and when I hadn't heard anything by 11:00 - I called him for an attempt at a booty call. He turned me down flat. I told him it was fine, I read the book (He's not that into you).

Thursday was another 12 hour day and an exhausting meeting with our Financial Planner where I admitted that I had in fact been offered two other positions - one for 10K guaranteed more than I make now and one for $12K with the potential of $20K. I told him that I thought long and hard about what I deal with on a daily basis and referred back to what an old boss told me, "Never leave for money - leave for experience" and that I'm not sure my experience was done yet at C2. By 7:00 I was tired & drained and headed home.

JF called me, a regular attendant of my myspace blog, to find out what was going on from my sporadic and non-informing postings. I explained the situation including the non-return on the potential booty call.

"He turned down a drunk MG time? Something is wrong with him"

If you're new to this blog, JF is Just a Friend - hence the moniker - one that is similar to me and that we'd occasionally mess around together out of boredom and such long periods of single-ness. "You were seriously the best blow job I've ever gotten." That's something I needed to hear as the lack of sexual interest in me by the BF had me not only feeling unattractive but un-sex kitten like as well.

I hung up the phone, turned on lost and started to sleep. My phone rang with a text - 608 area code. That's right folks, he's back.

Ironic how at these weird times he always pops in. Not that I'd do anything. Technically we're both respectively in relationships at this point even though both have faltered closer to the single line. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood for banter - I was in the mood for sleep so I stopped short of any callus behavior.

At 8:47 my phone did ring to a number I didn't recognize. Yes, that's right folks, I deleted the BF straight off the phone. I ignored it and he left a message. I didn't return the call.

Today he called around 1:30 while I was in a meeting asking if we could go out tonight, I responded via text that "We'll see - might go out with Steph from HS" - an old friend that contacted me via myspace 3 weeks ago and I haven't seen in 10 years.

And that's where we leave it at this point in the story when it comes to the relationships. But, much like my life, when I get a light bulb moment it factors into multiple areas - including my job.

Every place has it's ups and downs, don't get me wrong. I do like my job still but there's only so many times that you can get pulled into an office and talked about what went wrong or who did what or who said what when you really feel the pressure. Next to that is what 2 of my bosses have recently said - they've used the age factor as a negotiating tip, something I'm familiar with being not only unethical but also illegal. I was told by one that I make "good money for MY AGE" and another that I was too young to want more than 2 weeks of vacation - both of which balance, in a sense of the other. It's these topics that really make me look back at those offers - these people offered me a pricing based on what I do not how old I am. I technically only have one week of vacation (but with comp time I'm allowed to travel a lot) and I technically make very little compared to what (a) the sales guy before me would have made and (b) what my percentages say. But as I said, I'm sticking to the place because there's more to learn - even while my expenses get sliced & diced.

That's pretty much the end-deal of what's going on - who knows where it may all lead.

Identifying the reasons to move on.

In the last couple weeks I've really focused on what is working and what's not. The main theme that has come up is that I'm sick of being everyone's excuse. I've been used as a scapegoat one too many times in the adventurous world of work and relationships and I've had it.

The relationship ending has come on the fact that the BF just hasn't even bothered to initiate a call - until 9:00 yesterday. He was supposed to come over Tuesday and in my effort to just sleep, I tried to get him not too. I called him twice, explaining that I had to clean and move my car if he was coming over, he told me he "wasn't sure - but probably would." And then didn't.

Gotta work - more to come!

Back to Single in the City.

Need I say more??

Where does the time go?

Thursday night I got all light headed at almost 11:00pm after working all day. I sat down by the BF, woke up a couple minutes later... I thought it was just being light headed, it turns out that I was wrong, he insisted I had a seizure.

Fast forward to now, I've had a billion tests done, a doctor in Jamaica so no one will give me answers, and a no-driving Doctor's orders until March 6. Dependent life isn't fun. Not to mention the crazy work hours. I'm taking a half day tomorrow and still clocking in close to 50 in 5 days.

I'm trying to figure out tonight - I'm at an event until 8:30, I'm already tired but I definitely need to clean before the BF strolls in around 2am. Not to mention shower.

Speaking of which - my freaking water bill was over $100! It's just me! I split it with the neighbors downstairs and feel like I got a little screwed in the deal. Honestly, it's not like the 5 minutes of hot water I get a day can equate to that much. I'm thinking of writing a "kind" letter to my landlord along the lines of "B*tch I'm giving you all this damn money - fix my sh*t" but more like ...

Dear Mr. Landlord,

In October I spoke with you regarding the trashed carpeting and unpainted walls which, at the time, you assured me were going to get replaced/painted. In November we spoke and you agreed to it being accomplished by December. This is my March payment, which includes the $101.53 for water and I'd like to re-issue a request for the above mentioned repairs within the next 30 days. I'd also like to discuss the heat; I think something is wrong with my thermostat as it's set at 60 and consistently says 60 but the heat is a lot warmer than that (as provided by my $205 gas bill, it is warmer than that). If these items cannot be fixed within the next 30 days, perhaps we could talk about another arrangement.

Sincerely,

The now broke MG.

Of course I'm pining for the "other arrangement" as it will most likely be me moving out, perhaps into a heat-included apartment. Oh - can I live with the dream of air conditioning too? How sweet it would be.

I'm catching no breaks lately on the whole apartment thing. What I really want is to settle into a place for the next 2 years and look at owning while I save up a little bit for a down payment.

Well, off to an event!!

It's not you, it's me.

I need a break! I can't believe how much time work has taken over. Between snow storms and rescheduling, instructor fits, follow ups, calendar mishaps and what not I'm in desperate need of another vacation. Can't I just lay under the covers and never move? I hate that feeling, the dread of going into work wondering what shit-storm you'll have to put out or how you're going to bite your tongue when you want to go in and rip people's heads off.

But I've had it being Ms. Nice Girl. I had it last year too and ended up having to sit through so many damn meetings about how people were now afraid to approach me because I had balls and wouldn't put up with their shit - so I reverted back. But I'm not a doormat and I'm sick of being trotted on, I'm sick of being talked down too. The truth is, yes, I make good money for "my age" as my boss put it - but you don't pay me enough to deal with this crap and you especially don't pay me enough for what I've done for the company.

But I digress, I hate my job sometimes.

Due to the work struggles and what not, I haven't been able to post much. I haven't been able to breathe for goodness sake. Not to mention, throw in all the random events of the week and the networking and POOF! it's been too long.

Because you might not be interested in everything - and I hate really long posts - I've broken them down into littler posts below! :)

Lipstick Jungle.

I'm hooked. Plugged because it was written by the STC crew and the premise is near the same (minus 1 friend), I'm a fan.

But I shouldn't be ... I don't think it's one of those shows good for your health. For some reason STC didn't make me feel like I need to be at the gym - this does. And Victory's relationship with the rich guy is making me look at "real" relationships as sucky. I want a guy to go to Miami and fly back to NY with lunch for me ...

And Nic's affair is ridiculous. It's got me thinking how badly I want to be pinned against the wall and screwed. Much like Carrie & Big's affair on STC. In fact, this erupted into a wild sex dream on Sunday morning ...

There's just something about man-handling that you can't put down. It's lust personified, the whole body starts craving every touch - I'm sure it looks idiotic from outsiders instead of well choreographed dance of perfect bodies like on TV. Your mouth just anticipating the hot steaminess of any skin, your fingers clawing on buttons and clothing for the soft subtle feel of real human skin. The breath so entirely hot on your neck, ears, down your shoulders, across the collar bone. Wanting someone to push you down and throw it in you assumes all your thoughts.

In a good girl sense, the sex dream was about the BF and it started off sweet and innocent. Kissing in the kitchen while I was cooking in a skirt, his warm breath on my neck as he begged to taste the sauce. His hands roaming down my side, up the skirt, touching that bottom part of your butt check all gently until he throws me up on the counter after turning me around. The kissing intensifies, the clothes come off (by the way - as part of the fantasy my body kicked ass - I mean, I had abs and everything). He starts touching the under part of my breasts (one of my favorite moves of all times - goosebumps!). Licking, touching, grabbing. He rips me down from the counter as we crawl up the stairs, biting and kissing as the clothes come off (but not my shoes), we start having sex right there. Then make it finally up to his bed, where he throws me down, grabs my hair and we just go at it like 16 year olds who finally realized that sex is good.

Upon waking up from the dream I just helped myself to the BF's body. I ripped off his underwear, climbed on top and didn't care for a minute if he was going to come.

I came three times.

Thank you Lipstick Jungle.

Valentine's Day.

I AM ONE OF THE CHEESY GIRLS.

I want the flowers, the swooning, the dinner, the dancing. I want the romance. It's one day a year - BE ROMANTIC!

I hadn't seen the BF in a couple of days when Thursday popped up in the calendar. I was still on the fence about what to do - because, while I agree that everyone here is right about him, I also don't post the good things that happen so it's a little bias. 2 really good friends actually told me to stop being detrimental - that what he did wasn't right but that we were good - so I was very unsure. I had decided, no matter what, that I was not going to dump him before his birthday and I was going to go through with his party.

As I was emailing out the details to his friends, the doorbell rang and he walked into work - with flowers and candy. I wanted to cry - I had no idea. It made work actually easier and nicer for the rest of the day. The romance pretty much ended there though. He had his son until 8, so they ate already. I was tired. We had some drinks, played some bags and headed home.

I should mention - I got 3 months of flowers and a $150 spa gift certificate as well :)

He got a photo album of the trip.

I owe you a post.

And I'm not sure where to start. Part of me wants to skip the events prior to the trip and during the trip, but you're jumping in your seats so I'll fill you in.

We did talk about the events that occurred when both of us were under the influence, and it comes down to the fact that's he comfortable enough with me to share his indiscretions (and I should mention here that he's never 100% said I suck in bed - just agreed quantity is higher than quality). I shared that I'm not a trusting person. We decided we still wanted to be us.

The night before the cruise we headed down to a local Mexican joint we frequent due to the delicious nature of their margaritas. We had one too many. So we went to the porn store for goodies during our "sex-fest" cruise that he kept bragging to his buddies about. $75 in goodies and a quick romp in one of the sex booths (we were REALLY drunk) we headed home, had sex and crashed before waking up at 4am to get to the airport.

Day one was amazing. It was hugging and kissing and holding hands. But day two was the day there was 9 million things happening on the cruise ship - and I barely saw him after that. He ran out of money by Saturday night and had to constantly borrow mine, I bought his son souvenirs, his parents (but stopped short of his ex-wife - that was out of his own pocket). Frankly it was getting old and I was getting irritated. I watched 3 sunrises by myself and 2 sunsets.

On the most romantic night of the cruise he wouldn't even comment that I looked nice, he wouldn't hold my hand, get a picture taken, walk into the restaurant with me. I was in tears. The only time he took a second to spend with me was at Bingo - because he wanted my ticket into the Black Jack tournament.

By day four we were on our second excursion and even though I was incredibly mad, I wanted to put it behind me and have this adventure with the guy I loved. It worked - until we got back to Calica. We met up with my sister and her fiance in one of the little shops, the BF ordered a couple Coronas and I went to bargain for some bracelets with my little sis. When I got back, he had drank it. Yup. The ONE thing the f*cker paid for the entire trip, he drank. I went back onto the boat.

We didn't have sex, we didn't kiss, we didn't touch - not even sleeping. I was heartbroken. I felt more like a roommate than a romantic partner and here I spent $6K at this mutha f*cker.

We had a charity function to go to on Friday - one where I'm kind of a big deal - so here he saw all this attention, everyone saying "You look amazing" "You look beautiful" etc. He finally said to someone, "Well - she always looks hot." And that led to a conversation about the whole trip fiasco. He said he was too over stimulated that he thought "we can have sex anytime - when can I do ..." and took everything for granted. The talk made me feel better - but not the continued weekend of me paying for everything until I was out of cash for 2 weeks, because his "bank changed over."

Things are on the rough - I'd really like him to pay me back at least part of what he owes me since he didn't do anything for me on the cruise. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have felt bad about giving him money if he didn't make me feel so rejected. We'll see what Valentine's Day brings.

Bowling is not always a good idea.

Sometimes the BF should not drink. When he does he goes from being plain-old dense to being stupid.

For instance, who declares in front of 2 mutual friends that you (being a 31 year old male) would have totally fucked that 21 year old - but she had a kid (and you do too). And when you're girlfriend overhears you explain, "and because I'm with you." And the 21 year old was a nasty, stoned out f*ck that also obviously did several lines of coke before going to your party. And she's not a Packer fan - an absolute must to be involved with you.

I blame it somewhat on the fact that I've recently found out that I'm bad in bed. Wait ... there's more.

And did I mention that I've been drinking?

His son (8 by the way) also mentioned 3 different girlfriends this weekend. 2 of which had kids his age. All of which he KNOWS his dad f*cked in HIS bed. Yup - an 8 year old's twin bed. I can't even get him to have sex with me in my bed or his on a regular basis. Then again, see above.

4 days until the cruise and I'm wondering what exactly is going to happen to us.

Inconceivable.

I think it's inconceivable to find someone that will love you no matter what. No matter the 10 lbs, the faulty outfit, the baggage.

I also believe that it's impossible that someone my age and older doesn't carry a good handful of baggage. The kind that airplanes wouldn't let you take on.

For instance ... I was engaged. He cheated. He got her pregnant. I called off the wedding. After him, anyone I felt close to cheated on me.

Speaking of cheating, I can't have kids (well there's a 3.65 percent chance which is better than nothing) because one cheated on me.

I don't like to be taken care of, but I do appreciate the occasional flowers.

And just once, once, I would like to have a guy that is inclined to be romantic. Flowers for no reason or my favorite bottle of wine when I make dinner.

And I'm insecure. Especially when I find out you had a hot wife and you cheated on her with her best friend. And my best friend is hot and you talk about how "you'll find out if she tea bags ..." ummm. You won't even let me tea bag ...

I'm also a tad-bit jealous. And a tad-bit disappointed if you're not.

So I have baggage too.

Maybe in this day and age relationships are doomed to fail as we except the fact that humans are not monogamous and people can not be trusted.

Kids say the darnest things.

The kid was at the hospital on Saturday night so I joined his mom since the BF was working - it was nothing big, just a viral infection. When the medicine kicked in, she left to make some calls and me and the kid hung in the room.

He inspected the table - finding the stirrups. He clicked one out, "Hey MG, why are there cup holders all the way down here?"

Blast from the Past.

When I bumped into RS's myspace page through a mutual friend, I sent a snotty message to make him smile - never expecting him to respond.

And he did.

It was weird. It's completely obvious that I'm in-a-relationship on it - there's about 40 pics of the boy and me. The good thing was that I didn't all feel attracted to him, the bad thing is I somehow couldn't type that I had a boyfriend when he asked me what was new and exciting. I didn't think I had to clarify it, but I felt this tinge of guilt for not saying anything. I guess we wait and see if he responds to me.

How 99 cents became hundreds of dollars & other ramblings.

Juno was a great movie. In one scene, Ellen Page (Juno) and Michael Cera (Bleaker) sing a rendition of the Moldy Peaches, "Anyone Else But You" and I was instantly in love (see my playlist). So I logged on to iTunes and purchased the 99 cent track. I'm a bit impatient, so I wanted that song in my car NOW. But iTunes had a different idea (see Apple is an Evil Corporation) so I bit the bullet and bought a Nano and an FM transmitter. All for the love of that song. Which I now know all the words too.

Other ramblings ... a friend and I chatted about relationships last night over cocktails. He mentioned that he and his girl are nearly perfect for each other but the sex sucks. I joked that the BF might say that quantity is definitely higher than quality. Then last night I realized that I think my conclusion from his comment was correct. That sucks, because his comments make me re-evaluate a lot.

But I've been thinking a lot about the situation. His freaking ex drives me nuts - she still controls so much of his life and when I laid in bed on Wednesday morning after they got in a fight I realized that there's no getting away from her. I also realized I'd never be able to move out of Wisconsin. Was this the life I wanted to live?

The cruise is 9 days a way and looking at my schedule next week, I think I'm going to have to pack this weekend. There's a couple things I still need to get - underwater camera, Bonine, Nano travel case, and some unmentionables at two stores...

I don't have an evening event tonight - yeehoo! Which means I'm going to the gym & tanning right after work.

Apple is an Evil Corporation.

I'm a good girl. I buy all my music on CDs at the store or off of iTunes. I just bought Michael Cera & Ellen Page, Ingrid Michaelson's album "Boys & Girls" and the Grey's CD because I liked a couple songs off of iTunes, all excited to burn a new CD for my car .... BUT WAIT.

I upgraded to Leopard. MISTAKE. I upgraded my iLife. MISTAKE. I bought these extra additions and now, now my paid music won't burn!! I've been trying for 2 days.

To listen to this in my car I have to buy a damn iPod (since they're the only player that plays the original format) AND a car connector.

Thanks for f*cking me Apple!

Refreshing.

You know what I think is refreshing?

I met the BF eight months ago. Our first kiss was bodies pressed up against eachother and I knew it turned him on. Today, I went over to watch Good Luck Chuck and before I left we were just kissing, and it had the same affect. That's nice to know, it makes me feel like he still enjoys me for me and it's not the sex that gets him hard - it's the fact that he's with me.

I was chatting with a guy at a networking event tonight and he asked how things were going - I told him straight off that while the BF was NOT a good boyfriend in the first couple months, I couldn't ask for someone better now (minus the drunken ramblings - but hey, it's okay) and that it's the first time I'm in love and it's wonderful - and scary - all at the same time.

I say first time I'm in love, because it's true - that just wasn't there in the past, not that I didn't love some of the guys - hell, I still love #1 more than anything. I loved them as people, not in the make-your-heart-beat-faster kind of way. I hadn't talked to him all day so it was great at 7:15 when the phone rang and it was him. He makes me smile.

16 days and counting. Other Ramblings Included.

16 days until the cruise ... weehoo! I also filed my taxes and as it turns out, the direct deposit option made for a nice addition since it'll be deposited at the very latest 2 days prior to the cruise! That means everything will be paid off and I'll even have a little extra ching for the casino.

This weekend I'm going shopping, which includes the (ugh) dreaded swimsuit search - to make it worse, I need TWO not one, since you're basically in the suit the entire time. I also need to pick up a couple sundresses and a nice, formal dress which I'm hoping I can also wear to the Eisner Museum's fundraiser - the XOXO.

I also conned the BF into joining me for the fundraiser - which will be the end to an exhausting week (the cruise is the 2nd-7th, the fundraiser's on the 8th), but he just looks so damn good when he dresses up...

In other news, tonight my dad's finally paying up on the Birthday Wishes - it's Hibachi night and I'm thrilled! Not that I'm all gun-ho for hibachi again, but more so that the kid is coming with ... I can't wait to see his face with the onion volcano and the flipping shrimp ...



That's one of the many great benefits with having an 8 year old around - all these things are new to him. It was the BF's first hibachi on my birthday and he was like a little kid - imagine how a little kid is going to be!

I'm also thrilled that it's Girl Scout Cookie Time!! MMMM - Caramel Delights, Thin Mints, Peanut butter patties - so many to choose from!!

The Count Down.

It's under 20 for the cruise. We leave February 2! Vacation. I'm looking forward to the time to think about whether I should change jobs or stay, for a wee-bit of gambling action and to see how me & the BF end up - 5 days, no roommate or kid to distract ourselves.

This does mean a stop at the Porn Store is in order. Not that I'll bring the arsenal - because you definitely don't need that to get caught in front of the grandparents & parents... eek.

My sister is terrified. (A) She's afraid of the end-tab (so am I - cruises aren't cheap!) since it's on her card and her fiance likes to (B) drink - a lot. She's afraid they'll fight, he'll pick a fight, or he'll just be dumb. Scary to think that this scares her when she said yes ...

Those Cheating Hearts.

Netscape posted an article today that blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women, because, upon pro-creation if the baby's eyes are anything but blue it shows that the female partner has cheated on them. Read more here ... http://channels.isp.netscape.com/whatsnew/recent.jsp?story=20071230-0630&floc=NI-ntk3

This opened the office up for a whole discussion on cheating hearts and me to go research crazy. Before I shock you with these stats let me explain my background with cheating: I haven't done it. Every guy I've been with has. I blame the first on being young, we weren't in love and we were still going through motions. In honesty we could've had this facade relationship but it wasn't passionate and we'd be those open marriage people that when home to their best friend (sound familiar MD?). Regardless, I was 21 and ended it. The second relationship was what I perceived as a relationship, fresh out of the gate of the marriage situation. There's nothing like lying in bed, rain pouring at your windows, your naked bodies catorted over each other having just knocked boots four times and him saying, "I think I'm in love with my girlfriend Amy." Newsflash, we just fucked - you're not in love. In a series of events and men after, I was once again the other woman with CW, #1 started seeing a younger woman 9 months into our relationship, and then Guitar Guy - well, there was a whole hell swarmed up in the "I'm single when I'm playing" attitude.

Let me also add that the BF doesn't have a good record under his belt and neither does his ex.

So here's the stats ....

20% of married men engage in multiple affairs during their marriage, 16% of women do - these are physical affairs.

55% of men, 48% of women have engaged in emotional affairs that may or may not result in sex.

Of the people engaged in physical affairs, 92% of their marriages fail due to the cheating.

Of those who remarry, 85% will cheat on their spouses or significant others again.

Scary right? I don't get cheating, because if you do it - then you're obviously not happy, it doesn't matter if your drunk or lonely - the person your with that would qualify your reaction as cheating isn't working with you to make it work. In that case, why don't you just leave? And to be a hypocrite myself from my last debacle of a relationship, if you know they're cheating - they'll repeat, so just leave.

It's one of those never ending questions that go about the day.

IAR

Three really important words on myspace.

I go back and forth between SINGLE and IN A RELATIONSHIP since his hasn't moved off of DIVORCED in the 7 months (6 in his time) that we've been together.

Perusing today on the social networking sight I noticed the update that he changed his profile. I looked and it was the same picture, so I pulled it up. Nope, same mood and same quote. I scrolled down ... there it was, the holy grail of relationship status.

Not divorced anymore - he's In a Relationship. I smiled. Yeah :)

In other relationship news, I've really been pondering this whole moving in thing and I've decided, that if he asks sober, I'll do it. He's nearly melted the Ice Princess montage I've put together over the last four years, why not take the next big leap? Granted, I'm going to wait until after the trip to do it and I'll need to find a sub-leaser for my loft, but the thought of sleeping in his arms makes me so freaking happy. The money savings too isn't a bad option either - I can really start building up my savings.

Our trip is only 25 days away, that will be the big tester. Basically it's 7 nights and 8 days fully together (if you count the night before), no friends, no kid - just us. It'll be interesting to see how we handle it. I think we'll be fine though. I've finally reached the point where I feel secure with him, I've let the icey exterior melt. I'm, for the first time, completely in love.

It makes me think about that 6 weeks back in May & June, I was so heart broken because I was taken by him and he wasn't by me. I couldn't understand why I would cry so much, why it hurt so bad. Now I realize why, I'm 50 times more taken today as I was on Mother's day.

A bit pissed.

I'm 27. I have two degrees from the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, one in Classical Studies and one in Journalism & Mass Communication. This means I'm not dumb.

This also means I know how to operate computers. I know how to upload software, I know how to troubleshoot. I consistently get calls from relatives asking me to help out with their PCs and their Macs.

Just because I'm a sales bitch doesn't mean that I'm clueless. I know Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign & Quark. I am AN AWARD WINNING Account Executive. I am a published writer. I am a published photographer.

So don't treat me like I'm fucking 2 years old and can't turn on a god damn computer!
And do NOT condescendingly speak to me because YOU didn't tell me that other people needed to be involved in a project. And if you so thought that, arrange your own damn conference call. It's really simple, email the person and set up a time.

Yeah. I'm a bit pissed off.

The Big Question.

I mean, for dating 6 months it's the Big Question. Not THE big question.

On Friday night we enjoyed a few cocktails and on our way from 1 place to the next, we chatted about NG and his girl moving out. That's when the slightly buzzed boyfriend said, "You should move in."

Screech. What? My look must have conveyed my questioning demeanor as he explained that the pot smoking, arguing neighbors I share a place with is a definite reason to break my lease, and I spend most of my time there anyway ... which is true ... and my expenses will be more than cut in half, which is also true.

But I still have 7 months on my lease, it's a crappy time to move, I have a cat and he hasn't bought the house yet ...

The truth is I do want to. I love that house. I love him. Those baby blues make sure I never stay mad. His bed and body make me have the best sleep ever. I love seeing him in his uniform. I love hanging out with the "boys," when his son is over. And I am there all the time. The money savings would be insanely good.

But I have so many doubts. Right now I'm the "cool" girlfriend that occasionally comes over and helps with homework and watches movies, plays legos and Star Wars. What if he would drive me nuts? What if I would get angry and yell? That's not being the cool girlfriend. Right now, if I just want to do nothing I hang out by myself. If I want to be stinky after the gym, I can. It's been me for so long, I'm not sure how I could handle it not being me.

And then again - let's see if he asks sober :)

No Butts About It.

A couple drinks into Friday night, me & the BF headed home for a little action between the sheets. I had complemented the nights activities with a trip to the porn store, which included a joke purchase of anal beads since he's been insistent on trying his best to shove it in my butt.

I brought my purse up with the contents hidden away next to the bottle of lube. About an hour into the mix, there was the poke, aggressively I through him down, crawled on top, reached in my purse and gave him a little shocker. Well, three times over.

Take that up the ass.

Word of Mouth Marketing.

I'm a BzzAgent. That's right. And I'm supposed to tell everyone. So I'm telling all of you!

The concept behind Bzz is brilliant. They'll give you product, you'll try it and then you'll tell people about what it is, what you like or don't like about it, then report back on a simple report form about what happened. That's it.

I know what you're thinking, it's kind of like being a secret shopper right? NO! Not at all. I was a secret shopper. There's no multi-page reports, no reimbursements times and forms, no payments and no secrecy. You actually NEED to tell people that you're a part of Word of Mouth Marketing. Simply Brilliant.

I've been delighted to be a part of this and highly recommend that you click on this little link (www.bzzagent.com) and sign up today. The more you participate, the more items you get to try. I'm currently reporting on a great product called Lypsyl, similar in concept to Burt's Bees - but a bit more tingly. Organic & natural, it eases my mind when it comes to putting products on and my lips have been softer than I can ever remember.

So now you're a part of my Word of Mouth - don't forget to let me know who you are so I can be a part of yours!

10 Attempts Later.

Too many distractions, this is now the 10th time I've attempted to post.

Where to start?

My birthday was too much fun and I drank way too much! An old friend, Drunk Julie, stopped by uninvited and cornered me to tell me about how her life sucks, etc - for about 30 minutes. The BF finally saved me, dragging me away after a picture for bags. I don't get self-centered people, not at all. I mean - it takes 10 seconds to see how someone is, to validate them as human being, plus - isn't it a big shock that I'm with the guy I hadn't talked to for 4 weeks when we last spoke? Come on! The least you could do is acknowledge that!

I digress. I was wasted and needed food. I wanted eggs but the Bay View diner was closed, so we walked to Jimmy John's. Upon arriving I decided that what I really wanted was PBJ and they don't serve that. Now, my house is around the corner - but I have no food - so we drove all the way to the BF's, he made me the best PBJ and I puked and passed out.

Fast forward to Friday. I stayed home to recoup and he came over and brought me lunch, I worked all day from home and then we went out to the Admirals game with R. All of the sudden the BF points to the Jumbotron and says "Look, E & J!" Holy crap, my boss is there. So we partied a bit with them, headed over to his local joint for a little old fashion jam.

We're sitting at the bar when a song comes on with the lyrics, "What if I'm falling in love with you?" We're both kind of toasted. He turns, "What if that's true?"

Shocked, I asked him if he was kidding. He told me he wasn't falling, he already was there. I yelled, "Me too!"

Our first I love you...

It's my Golden Birthday!

Last night we had a couple drinks a Le Fuentes and the BF headed to poker with the promise of some early-morning birthday rocking. I was really hoping it would happen since it's been almost a week and time was ticking on when I could with out being delayed another 4 days.

At 2:00 he called me and said he forgot the keys to my place, so I let him in. He informed me that he was just in the mood to cuddle, crawling into bed fully dressed, rolling over with his back to me and promptly snoring so loud that I could barely sleep. He jumped out of bed about an hour later, only to puke I assumed. At 4:00 his moaning was driving me nuts that I rolled over and rubbed his back lightly, before he snapped that his head killed and he needed aspirin. So I got some Excedrin and a bottle of water and he laid back down saying it felt like he got smacked by a freight train and that he was freezing. So I went downstairs and turned up the heat, went back to bed. He complained how bad his head hurt, so I went back downstairs and grabbed a Gatorade, hoping that the elecrolytes would help hydrate him quicker. Of course, I couldn't open it and I couldn't see anything with my new curtains up ... so I flipped on the lights and he flipped out again. He finally settled into sleeping around 5am and I was wide awake.

My mom called about 7:30am to wish me a happy birthday and I snuck down and took a shower, got dressed and ready for work. I wasn't supposed to be in until noon, but there wasn't much I could do, so I packed up, left him my keys and a note, and headed in at 9:30.

Happy Birthday Blues

I tried to arrange what I figured would be away to get the majority of my friends and family out for my birthday - do a dinner on the West side of town and do drinks by my place on the South side.

I invited my Dad to dinner, knowing that my mom, step-dad and brother would only be going to the bar portion, when he informed me his girlfriend's daughter was coming in from out of town and he wouldn't be able to celebrate my birthday for another 2 weeks. I was bummed, but I wasn't going to hold it against him - until I asked my brother (older one) and sister if they'd be joining me. My dad interrupted them before they could speak, "No, they're coming over here for a family dinner." I was dumbfounded, (a) I wasn't invited to the "family dinner" and (b) it's my birthday! Why can't my siblings come with me to dinner?

I guess that's why you have friends. 20 people RSVPed for dinner, 40 for the bar. Happy birthday to me.

Although the BF is pretty certain he's going to get me so intoxicated he can throw it in my, ahem, I have a feeling I'll be too busy playing bags & socializing to get that trashed ...

Diamonds are a ...

I had shook the presents, I had played with the package (the wrapped ones under the tree) and at no point did I think I'd get jewelry.

I had just been through 7 hours of my family when I got to his and I sat down next to a broken hearted friend that was there and his kid, and behind me he stood with a little box.

And you know what little boxes are.

It was a journey necklace, diamonds all in a row. It sparkled. I wanted to cry but we were around family so I hugged him. I wanted to blurt out I love you - not because of the jewelry but because I really do. But I just put it on and kept touching it all night.

Diamonds are not a girls best friend, diamonds are a gift that showed me this just might be real.

Merry Christmas Eve!

And what a Christmas it's going to be.

Friday was a friend's birthday, so the BF & I enjoyed dinner & a couple cocktails. I enjoyed too many and at 2am REALLY needed to go home. The BF was too involved in bowling to drive me home, so his roommate offered to help out. I kissed him goodbye and he said, "Drive Safe. I love you." I turned around and walked out - head spinning. Really? The first I love you and we're both trashed. It hasn't been uttered since, but relatively sure that it's due to my reaction.

Passport Getting.

I was nervous, my heart was pounding. I mean, not only was it expensive, but it meant that we better be together in 2 months still. And it's been 7 months and neither of us have yet to utter "I love you." It also meant that this was it - a $2,000 investment. On one hand it dawns on me that his first experience on a plane, a trip outside the country, scuba diving, horseback riding - it's all going to be with me. So even if he does break up with me afterwards he won't be able to get around that fact.

I'm a bit nervous as well since I didn't get a raise - not even cost of living, and have a higher car payment and this trip to pay for. I went to the table with the pure facts - my first year I increased your sales by 275%, my second year I've increased it by 85% - $4500 a month. And that doesn't include the corporate sale which actually means I've increased the yearly sales by 97% and that the monthly increase is actually around $7500 a month. Because of my sales, we've moved to a new office, we've gotten another full time instructor and all of our classrooms are equipped with intel macs. What did I get told? They actually want to reduce my commission schedule - meaning that I'll make $11,000 less this year. Let's also add on that there's now 5 additional restrictions on my sale, which will effectively reduce my monthly sales as well. How do you spell that? S-C-R-E-W-E-D.

Oh Baby!

Jessica Alba is pregnant. (26)

Lilly Allen is pregnant. (22)

Jamie Lynne Spears is pregnant. (16)

Do not drink the water in Hollywood.

WP's Curse.

My golden birthday is one week away. And I'm sick as a dog. Please no curse!!

Real Beauty.

Perhaps you've seen Dove's new campaign for Real Beauty featuring the little, red-haired girl leaving the school bus followed by images of ill-proportioned, sex-symbol-esque, surgery wielding beauties, followed by the message "Talk to your daughter before the fashion industry does."

Let me start by saying - I am in love with the real beauty campaign. I think it's a brilliant marketing strategy that the American public needs to hear. With the majority of women in this country being a size 14, it is often too easy to believe that beauty is in the heroin-sheik, or the bottle-wielding tiny bopper celebrities. For a beauty company to come out and tell women that it's okay to be themselves, is in genius. It's a long the lines of Jennifer Love Hewitt's rant to TMZ for dissing her size 2 body a couple weeks back, while enjoying her engagement in Hawaii (see http://www.thatsfit.com/2007/12/08/jennifer-love-hewitt-gets-celebs-talking/). But I digress.

The video for Real Beauty is called "Onslaught," just in case you haven't been one of the hundreds of thousands of clicks. This is an example of yet another viral campaign (my obsession), and a rather successful one at that. But, when dealing with video campaigns you're often going to get tied into youtube.com and have video comments back. A downside to this type of advertising is that the response may not always be 100% positive, and can indeed be enlightening. Please see what I found on my viral tracking today.

Drained

I feel exhausted both physically and emotionally. I was looking forward to running after work, but I might just skip it for a nap.

As it turns out, I'm not 21 anymore. I'm not sure exactly how I used to survive on 4 hours of sleep and have tons of energy the next day, but there's no more waiting up until 1:30 in the morning for the rest of this week (or so I say).

R's snuggly cat was gone, which led my bed to being void of anything to cuddle with minus a pillow or two. The Bumpkin doesn't really snuggle, so I watched info-mercials until 1:30, swearing I wouldn't take a Lunesta to sleep since there's only 2 left. The TV clicked off and I looked at my phone, turned over and closed my eyes. 6:00 came way too fast.

This morning I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling, contemplating how much I really wanted to get up and go to work (I didn't) and replaying certain events in my head, trying to decide what exactly the next steps should be. I've been haunted all weekend by what I can only sadly say is my new neighbor, who had not-so-nice words to say to me in our parting 7 years ago. That alone through me for a whirlwind and being alone all weekend to relish in those thoughts hasn't been a delight.

I did, on the other hand, complete 2 nice tasks this weekend. My neighbor got stuck (ironically in the same spot I did when I had to call Steve to help me out - by the way - neutral works again) so I helped push her out and some crazy drunk people need a jump and lost their friend, so I pointed in the direction that he ran. Hopefully I'll get a good lick of karma now since it does seem I've been in a bit of a downward spiral the past 2 weeks.

I did put up my Christmas Tree. Arguably my little grey friend isn't even slightly amused by the hanging ornaments. Makes me wish I didn't wait 5 years to put it up again. He hasn't attempted to climb or eat the branches. Of course, I say that now and I'll probably go home and it'll be tipped over. Good thing it's not in my room, so I'll still be able to nap when I get home.

Hello Neighbor.

My ex-fiance is my new neighbor. Which sucks.

Well, he's not really my neighbor, but lives somewhere in my hood. I've seen him every day for the last 3 weeks.

I can't help but think about his last words to me when we finally broke things off ...

"You've lost your chance. You'll never be married, you'll never have kids, I was your chance at happiness. You're sure you want to be alone forever? Then fine."

I put it off to a broken heart, but I'm turning 27 in just a couple weeks and I can't help but wonder what was the truth in the matter. Especially when dealing with the BF.

On Sunday he didn't even invite me over for the game. I still took the kid to see "Golden Compass" - a $30 expenditure, by the way, only to have the kid get pissed because I only let him play arcade games for 20 minutes.

He invited me to dinner, but I had plans with R since I had been watching her kitty since Thursday. I told him I'd be at the Palomino and he came to join us for a couple drinks. It was awkward to say the least - I so badly wanted him to grab me and kiss me, but he barely said one word and I was empty for feelings for the total rejection all weekend.

He called at 10:30 and said that "perhaps I'll surprise you and you'll wake up next to me" - so when it was 2:00 in the morning I dropped him a text saying, "New rule, no more joking about coming over." I rolled over and clung to my pillow, I couldn't help but think that if he had done that one tiny gesture things would have been different. And to play my own devil's advocate - I realized that I can't hope for him to do any of these things ever.

He texted me at 6:30 that he was sorry and wished me a good day.

And then I saw the ex as I left. I stopped a bit short of the stop sign and for a moment gave into the truth in his prophecy. I also remembered that I am the only one that can control my future.

Looking for an off switch.

My brain won't stop running.

He never called nor did he come over last night. I didn't really sleep.

So at 9am I got up, packed up the laundry and headed to Franklin. I bought a Christmas tree and stopped by my sister's. I chatted with her boyfriend, he was on the way to pick up her engagement ring so I drove.

He's one of the nicest guys I know, and she's one of the biggest bitches. How did that happen? And here I am - one of the nicest girls on the planet and I can't even get my boyfriend of almost 7 months to call after he's been hanging out with 21 year old hoochies.

So when he finally called at 2:00, I didn't answer. Truth be told, I was doing laundry but I didn't feel the need to return the call. At 3:00 we were at Target, I was returning the present I bought for the BF's kid and picked up something new. But the whole experience was emptied hearted. Then he called again and left an irate message - explaining that he knew I was mad but I had no right to be. I called back a few minutes later, I told him that I was shopping.

At 7 he called and wanted me to go to come over. I said no. He wanted to go to the movies with me & his kid - a movie he didn't want to see. I brought the point up and he said, "I miss you though."

So tell me this - when it was 7:45 he called to say that he couldn't make it the 8:15 show. I offered to take his son tomorrow after he gets done with his mom so he didn't have to see it or go to the later show. If he really did miss me, wouldn't he have chosen the later?

But he didn't. So I sit here on a Saturday night alone, trying to get my brain to stop running.

27 in 20 days.

I will be 27 in 20 days.

I was reading back on some of the old posts and I realized that nothing has really changed since 2006. Except I have less money. And a boyfriend (see previous reason). And I'm spending Friday nights alone.

The retrospective of the evening spent either running in the freaking cold or chilling out with the kitties led me to dwell. I hate dwelling. I dwelled on the fact that my mom told me, "You really want to go on a cruise with someone who doesn't love you?" And I dwelled on the fact that my friends were out on dates while my BF was at a freaking club with a bunch of 21 year olds grinding the shit out of them and getting wasted - while not even having the decency to call like he said he would.

I know, stop bitching and do something about it.

Hey! It'll save me $1200.

2 Hours.

11:00 the phone rings, it's the BF. We negotiate a noon-er.

11:20 I arrive at his place. It's mad chaos. We haven't even made out in almost a week. We work our way up to his room, undressing on the stairs.

11:45 we lay in orgasmic silence. I start gently rubbing his shoulders and chest.

12:50 we realize that we've just taken a 2 hour lunch. Shit. We need to get to work. Get dressed. Can't walk, legs hurt. Too bad.

1:10 I arrive back at work. Thank God I sit at a desk.

In 10 seconds ... TMI Post.

I'll pull my hair out. Seriously, how hard does a girl have to work to get a little loving these days?

I worked 9 hours, came home, changed into a skirt (sans the panties), hooker boots, low top, went to the store and grabbed the things to make Au Gratin potatoes, a fresh salad and stuffed pork chops. Cooked. Served the food. Cleaned not only the dishes that I made while cooking, but the supplies of 3 people since Sunday (when I cleaned everything as well) - all in the hopes that at some point he'd come behind, lift the skirt and give it to me.

But instead he watched football with my friend. Okay, so I did have a friend over - but her grandma had just died, and not to give too much information away - but sneaking sex with out her knowing it would have been an extra benefit.

And then when I took her back to my house where her car was parked, he wouldn't even come over - he wanted me to drive back to screw him, and then of course I'd have to drive back home tonight because he works at 7am.

Just screw me already! GRRR.

Did I mention my vibrator is broke. I don't get paid for 3 weeks, so I can't buy another one.

How do you spell sexually frustrated? M and E.

One More Reason to Love Jennifer Love Hewitt.

I used to hate her. Every guy I dated wanted to rip her clothes off and screw her. I couldn't stand Party of 5 and I Know What You Did Last Summer.

But over the years I've come to terms with her sweet-girl-next-door image. From trying to give away an air mattress when she found out Matt Damon didn't own a bed (http://teens.aol.com/entertainment/weird-celeb-facts?photo=8) to her wholesome (yet chest baring) acting in "Ghost Whisperer" - but really, after the article below.

From: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/12/03/jennifer-love-hewitt-defe_n_75096.html

About the Hawaii Photos...
This is the last time I will address this subject.

I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.

A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body.

To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.

Xoxo

JLH

Screwing yourself.

We got our first snow storm - on the anniversary, ironically, of the blizzard last year (December 1st). I stayed at my mom's doing laundry and baking banana goods (NG's banana's were WAY over ripe) and then started the 40 minute, 20 mile an hour, trek home. The BF wanted to go out, so we did - bowling, yet again. It's not that I don't like bowling, I do - but when you do it ALL the time and you still suck it kind of runs its course.

Anyway, I consumed A LOT. The BF drove, and even if he didn't it's not like I couldn't just walk home. Both of us consumed more than our fair share and ended up in one of those better-to-be drunk conversations. It started off with Christmas.

I informed him that he could have his choice for Christmas - the cruise our family is taking in February (but it would be combined with his birthday) or Packer tickets for December 30th. He said he'd really prefer the cruise and then said, "so we agree that the cruise will be our exchange this year?" Drunk, I said yes.

Then there was the conversation regarding my sister calling him my boy-toy on Thanksgiving. It turns out he was rather hurt by the conversation. He asked if my family even liked him. I told him that they did; however, my sister won't take anyone seriously that I'm with unless we've said I loved you, there's a ring, or a wedding. This was actually quite strategic on my drunken state, since the fact that we've been together 6 months and haven't said it turns out to be a little concerning for me. His response was not what I was thinking, he explained "We've only been together for 6 months, I'm not going to say it unless I mean it." Ouch. Take another drink.

Then there was the topic of kids that came up. We were joking that my family needs more kids, he joked that I should have one. That's when I admitted that I probably can't. I think it was a sobering statement for him. "Good to know." Was his response. He asked why, and I evaded the question. I responded with "I have a 5% chance." Drink.

The next morning I woke with a killer headache and flashes of the night before. The cruise conversation dawned on me - and that's when I realized that I screwed myself out of a Christmas present because I'm the one paying for the cruise, he's not paying for any of it. Shit.

I went by my mom's and recounted the story about him being my boy-toy, she told me to think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to take the cruise with someone who doesn't know after 6 months that he loves me. The truth is I had been.

I figured the cruise is still the best route - if something happens between now and then, I'll just pony up the $200 for a name change on the ticket and bring a friend. It'll still be my trip. And if nothing does happen - then maybe it'll be very titanic like and he'll tell me that he does indeed care.

Two little stories that might make you giggle.

The first one is TMI - so scroll if you don't want all the information.

I started cleaning my house on Friday, bored from having the day off I had already tried out the malls for a little black Friday shopping. When I got SUPER bored, I thought "Hell! I'm just going to masturbate." Too tired from all the moving around, I decided to aid my experience with a little pornography left behind by an old trashy roommate. I put the vibrator on high and started watching.

When my door opened. And I could hear movement. And all I could think to do is quickly close my bedroom door, THEN flip off the vibrator and yell "Oh shit!" to myself as I clicked off the rather loud TV.

My maintenance guy just caught me masturbating.


My second story is just kind of gross.

While in the flu daze, I had a rather bad issue of both ends. So while sitting on the toilet I felt the need to vomit. Thanking God my tub was next to the toilet, I swung my head around and - oops. Didn't make it all the way. The Bumpkin was in the way of the projection. His big green eyes looked up at me like, "Why Mom? Why?"

I puked on my cat.

I still don't think he's 100% forgiven me.

Did She, or Didn't She?

She, being me, didn't. The answer to all questions on your mind.

I thought I might have, but under the terms of intoxication - I don't think I did. I remember bringing up the fact that, once again, he was active on Match within 24 hours and if he didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship - by all means, he didn't have to be.

Then I went home and puked. At first I thought it was the alcohol, by all means the first one may have been, but puking non-stop at 11am told me different. I had the flu. It had just gone around my family and was precisely 24 hours according to them.

I couldn't buck it up, I was a mess. Water, puke. Gatorade, puke. Juice, puke. Soup, puke. Crackers, puke. 24 hours straight, nothing would be kept down. I shivered in my apartment with the heat cranked to 85 degrees, 2 shirts, 2 sweatpants, 2 blankets and one very hot bumpkin. When the phone rang at 7:00pm, I was in desperate search of companionship or at least a gun. His voice was calm and collected on the other line, mine? Not so much. I pushed away tears as I interrupted our call twice because I had to puke, again. He offered a heating blanket and soup, I turned him down. What I really wanted was him, but he had the kid and I didn't want to get them sick. He told me to feel better by tomorrow, I had to help with appetizers.

It wasn't until the vomiting subsided at around 10pm that I questioned what had just happened - didn't I just break up with him? I checked Nic's link - his profile didn't exist anymore on Match. Maybe I negotiated that? Either way, I figured I'd smile through Thanksgiving and call it a day.

I arrived at 10am to help with appetizers. We went over to his ex-wife's mom's for a late Thanksgiving. It was a lovely time. He kissed me and cuddled me in front of them. He was concerned about my stomach at dinner. We went bowling, we went back to his house, and when the drinking was too much for our standard Sunday night, he begged me to sleep over simply because "I love sleeping next to you."

And the sex this morning was good.

In thinking about things I was wondering who was making what decisions. 1/2 my friends hate him, 1/2 of them love him. The 1/2 that hate are loud mouths about it, begging me at every corner to break up with him. The 1/2 that don't beg me to listen to my heart.

But my heart's confused :(

7 Random Things - As Tagged By Sexy House Wife

7 Random Things About Me:

(1) I love vanilla tootsie rolls
(2) I'm a big old baby when I'm sick
(3) I have a dog-sitting business which is extremely draining.
(4) My favorite drink is Captain & Diet Coke (no lime!)
(5) I pretend not to be romantic, but I really yearn for it.
(6) I used to dabble in amateur photography - until it got a little on the seedy side.
(7) I've never had my heart REALLY broken. It's hurt, but not been broken.

Oh Shoppers!

I did it at 11:00. I needed a new jacket. That was why. And while there, I got the perfect break-up outfit too.

Although, I should have taken Bella's advice and made like a band-aid I feared my family's reaction to not having him around or any him for that matter. I just wanted to fake happiness for one day and I did, except I confused it for the real deal. Tired after 3 Thanksgivings yesterday, I slept next to him. It's been over a week since I've done that. His body is so warm, so lovely.

And then Nic called, but not for normal Thanksgiving chit-chat, to let me know that he was still active on Match.com.

For the life of me, I wanted to believe that I was good enough. But I'm not. Not for him at least. So me and my shattered heart are leaving.

Tonight I'll put on the new jeans (that actually fit) and the new shirt and I'm going to tell him that I can't do this. I can't be good now, because that means at some point I won't be good anymore.

The tough part is I was actually IN LOVE with him. That, my lovely folks, is why I don't date. I don't like this part. The part where I want to crawl in a ball or scream and ask why I couldn't be good enough.

At least I'll look good while trying.

The Revelations of Last Night.

It started with harmless drinks with the BF's ex wife and a friend I'll call GS (guy stealer).

First I get told a story of banter at the Ex and the BF's Thanksgiving on Sunday. Someone asked if they were together, she told them they used to be but now she was with her fiance and that I'd become shortly. The BF joked to her that at least she upgraded. Okay, so does that make me a downgrade? Then she said, "I told him if even said you were a downgrade I'd break his legs. And then he shut up. Okay. So I am a downgrade. Lovely.

GS showed up and more stories of the BF got going. She mentioned on July 4 at our family picnic (where they were both present) that it was extremely apparent the BF wanted to get with her. I am his girlfriend and your friend, but thanks for the story.

GS is actually with AD now. They hooked up while she knew that him and I were still a bit together, hence the GS title. She said that the BF and AD have eased up on eachother because now the BF knows he doesn't have a shot with her and AD is not a threat because their together.

Wow. Is any of this supposed to make me feel better?

The Ex, who weighs maybe an ounce, kept reiterating that the BF doesn't NORMALLY like big girls. Ahem, that would be me.

While I don't mind either girls, this did nothing for my self esteem and off to home I went to contemplate.

At around 11 the BF called to tell me that he talked w/the ex and heard that I offered to bring their son to the Turkey Bowl if the BF wouldn't make it. Which of course didn't go over well on his already drinking butt.

Which came to his tyrant about how is ex is still so involved in his life and he wants to move away, but can't because of the Kid. And over, and over, about how SHE left him, not the other way around. How she keeps running back to him and he doesn't know what to do. HE went to the counseling, she didn't. How HE tried to make it work. He was so sick of HER trying to get back into his life, because SHE always runs back to her ex.

I told him to have fun at poker and reflected under the premise of Captain and Lunestas about what just occurred.

First of all, I think it means he still loves her because he wanted me to understand that he didn't leave her.

Second of all, I was never mentioned once as a reason why he'd stay or why she should leave him alone.

Third, I don't want to be a downgrade.

Fourth, the conclusion. This isn't good for any of us.

The last nail in the coffin.

It was his drunken 20 minute rant last night that made me realize that this relationship with the BF just wasn't going work. For 20 minutes he talked about his ex-wife and how he was sick of dealing with her whenever she needed something, and re-iterated about 50 or so times that "she left him" he didn't leave her. When it finally dawned on me. He's still in love with her.

Not to mention the cocktail earlier where I found out that he insinuated that he downgraded to me.

I looked at everything on the table at the moment and realized there was no setting for me.

It has to be over no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I hate the idea of being alone.

I will NOT be the other woman, even if the marriage is supposedly dead.

Giving Thanks.

I'm thankful for ...

My New Jetta. And getting it by myself without anyone's help.

My New Apartment Even though I have to concentrate on making it a home in the next few weeks.

My Friends & Family That called me non-stop to make sure I was okay after the accident.

And for those that didn't. So I know who is a good investment of time and who isn't.

For giving up on 4 years of being single. Realizing that I could be in a relationship.

For finding out that single is okay and having the faith to go back to it even in the fear of being a crazy cat lady.

Is Romance Dead?

Think about it. 50 years ago men did more than a handful of things to woo the ladies they liked - take this for instance: http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=683367, or just look at my grandparents. With shoe boxes still filled with love letters, trinket jewelry bought on a budget and pressed flowers all show the romance of courting. My grandpa still tells my Grandma that he loves her everyday, holds her hand - even if they're just on the couch, tells her that she is by far the most beautiful woman in the world.

30 years ago there was a slight change - still the letters and flowers, the romantic dates and what not. Romance existed in the ideal sense of wanting to start a family and settle down in your early 20s, if not sooner. There were late night dinners with a dress code, dancing under the stars, sneaking away for kissing.

Even 20 years ago there was a concerted effort to be romantic still.

But in today's world it seems like there's just no time to be romantic. We're so concerned with getting things done and fit in to our technology driven day that we forget what Hollywood tells us still exists. No one picks you up anymore because you're too busy to go home - you'll just meet out somewhere instead ... if you even go out. And if you do, you're struggling with balancing your moment of free time with the person you care about and your friends, so you're out to dinner or drinks with people and not yourselves.

Flowers are only given when there's a good chance that someone did something wrong. Not just because. Maybe it's in an effort to be green that we don't stop and just pick a single stem or a bouquet because it'll just die, or because we forget that it's a fragrant reminder that someone cares. Maybe it's just because it takes too much time to stop and pick one on the side of the road or go to the grocery store and balance it with our frozen meals. Love letters are null and void and replaced perhaps with text messages, an abbreviated message of temporary satisfaction that will not be stored in a shoebox for the grand kids. And Love, if said at all, is replaced with "Luv" and you with "yah" - not so sure why, but it just is.

Does the first kiss on the doorstep still exist? The walk to the car? The little words like, "I don't want you to go" or "I miss you." Will there really be anyone outside my window with a boom box declaring that they want to be with me? Will I come to work and find a bouquet of lilies, because they're my favorite) declaring "just because" or "can't wait to see you" or "thanks for last night?" Not likely, because romance may only exist on the flickering big screen - or better yet, for $3.99 bought right off your cable box, because you also don't have to take someone to the movies anymore.

Upgrade.

I upgraded on Saturday. To a 2004 Reflex Silver, 4 Door, Sun/Moonroof, leather toting, heated seat, Jetta. All by myself.

And I've realized that there are some other upgrades that are going to happen in the next few weeks. First of all, I'm in the mood for a little cut and color-sexy feeling do. And some new clothes that actually fit.

Then there's the BF. I've been wondering lately if I just have my standards too high, if I'm expecting too much. If I'm caught up in the world of romantic movies, expecting at any moment for him to be outside my window with a boombox screaming my name and actually tell me that he loves me. But then I realized it doesn't matter if that's my standard - because maybe there will be someone out there that thinks I'm the best. That thinks I'm beautiful. That wants to kiss me, make out with me, hold me, to parade me around like he's the luckiest guy on the planet. It turns out that that person isn't the BF. I don't think he's even ever told me I was pretty, I looked nice. I'm not sure if leaving the relationship is an "upgrade" perhaps since being single all over again doesn't seem like a higher life.

But it's not a downgrade either.

Toasty Buns.

I fell in love with a Jetta.

2004
51000 miles
Leather Interior (with seat warmers)
Monsoon stereo system
Sun/Moon Roof
Power windows/locks
ABS
Overdrive capability
Automatic.

It's just going to cost me my soul ....

I want to nap.

Ugh. The insurance company is just giving me enough to cover my loan so that means I'm going into a new-used car purchase with $200.00 and no trade-in. I'm not sure how this will even work.

I've kind of settled on a VW, one because it's the "cool" industry thing, and two because a bunch of friends have them and they seem to run well.

Now it's trying to fit it all in to the schedule.

Somehow I have to manage to buy a car, go to Indy, make banana bread by Tuesday and make 4 different kind of pies by Thursday morning....

Getting back to normal.

The last few days have left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth regarding the BF. I was seriously contemplating whether or not this is really what I wanted in my life and the answer was indefinitely no. So last night when the phone rang, I hesitated picking it up, I could blame it on the fact that I was still at a networking event...

But I did, because - as always - I fold. I was greeted by "Hey sexy sugar plum."

I asked him if he was drunk, turns out he was just trying to be sweet and then I realized, maybe this kind of reaction makes him not want to be emotional with me. I went to his house and cuddled up for 1408, which by the way - was not as good as I thought it could be. He was different, not cold but the guy that I was falling in love with. He kissed the top of my head, "Your hair smells good." That was all he needed to do earlier in the week, that little action made me feel genuine.

With my bumps and bruises almost gone, the sweet kisses and touching were welcome and we climbed into his bed for a little one-on-one time. Then we cuddled. I couldn't remember the last time we cuddled. His skin is so incredibly soft, and he touched me while we laid there and even though he didn't say it, I knew he was thinking that he was glad I was there.

I tossed & turned for a couple hours but then gave into how tired I was and woke up touching his back. It was incredibly nice. He quietly got out of bed and let me sleep, a kiss on my forehead to see if I wanted to sleep longer or get up followed.

Where was this guy a couple days ago??

I want Hollywood!

I know it's senseless, and perhaps Hollywood isn't doing us any favors by portraying these men that would do anything for their ladies, but lately I can't help but really want Hollywood.

It all started with the accident on Saturday morning. I texted the BF that I was in an accident and on my way to the hospital at 9:32. At 12:45 he finally called back, but was I was in the hospital still so no cell phone. He left a message, "Just me, seeing how you are - uh, call me back."

I did at 2:00, fresh from the trauma of the salvage yard and in tears I told him I hit 2 cement walls. "Well, are you okay?" he said. I replied "Couple bumps and bruises but I'm alive ..." His response? "Okay, well are you still coming over tonight?" I told him I'd see, obviously I had no vehicle.

He called at 8:00 and I told him I was waiting for Jim to pick me up and I'd be over. About 9:00 I arrived at his house and he hugged me. NG and his girl, as well as the BF's kid asked if I was okay. He didn't. He didn't even sit next to me. After the kid went to bed, he came by, I cuddled into his side and he fell asleep. Promptly kicking me out at 2am.

On Sunday I dropped off the cookies I baked for him early last week and said I couldn't stay long, I played legos and Star Wars with his son and he turned to me and said "I thought you had to leave. You should go home and take a nap." So I gathered my things, "We are going bowling - right?" he asked. I said I'd be there, hoping at any minute he'd run up and swing me around and yell out to the world, "I'm so glad you're okay!" But instead I got into my vehicle with not so much as a peck on the cheek.

We bowled. I wasn't happy. We said barely any words to each other except for the occasional high 5 for knocking down pins. At the end of the night the drinks made us a little more tipsy and we kissed. I also MAY have started blowing him in the parking lot outside of the truck ... maybe. I blame that action on the fact that he asked for sex and even though I told him my body was bruised and ugly, he shrugged and said he didn't care (Hollywood answer is NOT - I don't care, it's "you're beautiful, what are you talking about" by the way). So we had sex, and of course, an ungodly long session that made me use many of my bruised up parts. And when we were done? He told me to "get back to the dog - and lock the door on your way out."

Talk about feeling more like a hooker than a girlfriend.

On Monday he called to ask what I was making for dinner. I ended up buying Chinese. On Tuesday he was supposed to come over, though due to his lack of interest in my well-being, I drank a bit too much and decided to pass out early (my one and only night of sleep over 2 hours). On Wednesday I brought him lunch. We didn't even talk while we ate. At the end of the time, I stood on his porch and kissed him, praying for his baby blues to search my soul, but to my dismay - nada.

I can't help that I want Hollywood. The guy that would have rushed to the hospital or at the very least, called non-stop until I picked up the phone. The guy that would have sent flowers or at least offered to make me dinner - scratch that, a guy that would bring out an ice pack or hand you some asprin with out asking. I want the guy that would offer to come to ME since I almost died. That would hold me when he saw me. That would whisper he was glad I was okay, or even just hold me so tight that I would know. The guy that would care that I haven't slept in almost a week and offer his shoulder for comfort during a movie.

The only thing is trying to fathom if this is a real guy or if this is Hollywood? I'm not sure anymore ...

You can't tell me God doesn't exist.

It's Saturday morning and I'm dogsitting in Whitefish Bay. It's 8:00 when I get up so I just throw on my jeans to make it to my 8:45 Blood Donation appointment. I take the dog out, promising a walk when I get back, I pat him on the head. I kiss my Bumpkin good-bye and head out into the perfect fall day.

I got to the center and they processed me right away. I was relieved when my iron count came back at 41. I gave my blood, drank my OJ and ate a cookie. Then I left. I got on the express way, starting feeling light headed, went to pull over to the right.

The next thing I know someone is grabbing my face yelling at me and asking me if I'm okay. I panic, my vision is blurred, I try over and over to open the door. The man reaches his hand in through the window and a woman is on the passenger side telling me to breath and asking if I'm okay, I tell her no - I just gave blood. I look at the man, "Did I hit you?"

"No, you didn't hit anyone. But you took out two cement walls."

"What?" I'm crying, shaking, not able to breath.

They tell me not to move. I wait, I have no idea what's going on. Then I look around and notice my windshield is shattered, the airbags have gone off, the steering wheel is in my lap, the seats are up. I answer question after question, people searching for what happened and I'm crying because I don't know. I get out of the car, refusing the long board. I remember walking to the ambulance and thinking, "Okay, it's not that bad."

I got to the hospital and my mom and step dad are there. They're x-raying me, I'm assuring them that it's just a bump on my knee. I'm still light headed. My neck hurts just a bit.

We leave the hospital 4 hours later. I'm fine. We go to the tow yard to survey the damage and get my laptop. I'm with my mom. I see the car and go white.

There's no sides left, the engine is moved up, the tires are flat, the rims broken. The windshield is shattered, the doors don't open. I collapse. I come to. My mom's eyes are welted. I look at her, "I think I should be dead." She just shakes her head and hugs me. "This is proof you're living a good life - it's karma." She handles the issues with the tow truck, I have to run outside because I'm light headed again. We get in the car and make little chit-chat, trying to ignore the issues when I started freaking out.

"Do you want me to pull over?"

"No. Yes. Now."

I get out of the car just in time to throw up the contents of my stomach. I fall to the ground in the fetal position weeping. The cold rail on the side of the road feels good with my head rested on it.

"You need to eat."

Now she's crying. We get back in the car. She calls my friend who comes over to help take care of Trevor. She hugs me, "You need to slow down huney. You really do."

I take a bath. It's warm. My head is light and my vision is blurry. I close my eyes. There's a pound on the door when I realize my head is under the water, I cough and spit out water. It's my sister, she just wanted to know if I was okay. I laid down for a bit. I still don't feel well.

By 8:00pm I'm finally feeling a bit better. My boss picks me up, I'm going to use his sister's truck. The BF and his kid are waiting for me so we can watch Transformers. I walk in and they're cuddled on the couch. I sit on the opposite couch in my ugly NE sweatshirt and fall in and out of consciousness. After the movie he sits by me. "I'm glad you're okay." He falls asleep in my lap.

New Find.

Only $7.99 on iTunes!

Verge of Halloween, Traditional Hauntings

It's 2007 and in Halloween tradition I review the hauntings of the past year.

In all honesty, for the life of me I can't think of any big ones. The last few months have been a far cry from the ones that started this blog. In fact, I'm sometimes bored reading what I'm writing.

The main haunt I have right now is with my relationship. It's been 5 months and neither of us have said the "L" word, although God knows that I do. There's too much fear in the unknown for me to utter the words first and in the past if I said it, it often led to deterioration months later. Part of the truth is I think if I don't tell him that if he breaks up with me tomorrow I won't be hurt - but I know I'd be crushed. The other truth is that I don't want things to change. There's so much in the smiles and kisses and the cuddling. It's sometimes disgusting I admit. We still make out like the night we met (although, there's usually a bed and not a Golden Tee machine involved).

I also often wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be - at almost 27 was this the life I thought of? So many different events in the last few years have got me wondering. If we take back the years, we see the changes in my goals and anticipations.

At 18 I was engaged - and although my heart wasn't in it - I viewed myself in this jailed life of being a wife with kids in a house with a man I didn't love. But I expected my life to be that way.

And at 21 I was single for the first time in 6 years, but relationships were the only thing I knew so I wanted to be in one. I met #1 and struggled in the balance of trying to find myself and balance my anticipations. After that failed, there was a summer of deviance where I began to see myself as a person and not just an element in life. Then there was the guitar guy ...

So at 22 I decided to just be single. To work. To make a name for myself. To be the person that people admired. To not want to be married, to not want children, to be a business woman. And besides a few trysts here and there, I stuck to my guns.

And here I am at 26, still shocking people when I say I have a boyfriend, thinking how great it is to have someone to call, understand, kiss, cuddle, talk and experience life. I mean, I'm not on the marriage wagon or anything, I'm just taking it day by day.

The final haunt that still nags at me is that I haven't confessed that I might not be able to have kids, of course we've never discussed. It's almost as if it were a blessing to be in a relationship where he already has this wonderful son. But I know he's on the fence and doesn't know if he does or doesn't want kids. The truth is, I'm happy not having one of my own and I'd be happy having one too. I just don't know