Changing People.

So the old additive is that you can' t change people, but what if the person that you want to change is yourself? How would that work?

Over the last couple days I've been thinking about my reputation as "such a nice person" and how it rarely gets me anywhere but walked on and hurt. I know plenty of not-so-nice people that tend to get whatever their little hearts desire, from money to men to sex. I've tried to turn into one of these people before, but I always fall back into my comfort zone and end up being that "nice person" again. So what does a person have to do to change?

I used to be a horribly mean person, really. In high school my junior and senior year I was known as a bitch. I changed myself because I hated the reputation. In my sophomore year I had a life changing experience which made me dislike a lot of people that I formally loved, 1/2 way into my senior year I let go of that anger and became the person that people know today - the person that would do anything for anyone at
any time. I'm not saying I want to go back to the hard-ass, I'm just thinking that a little bit of bitchiness might go a long way.

I was chatting with #1 about a situation that occurred on Friday and related how I want to stop being a nice person. He told me it was impossible, because that's not who I am and it's not who I will ever be because it's ingrained in my soul to be who I am. I know he's right but I sometimes wonder how different it would be if I wasn't.

The situation that occurred involved Jules, the girl I've been hanging out around with a lot these days because she's another hurt soul I want to save. One of the huge standards of our friendship has always been "no judgment" which means we can say anything we want about what's going on personally with out the other person passing any kind of conclusion on who we are. For instance, she's a whore. A big huge whore. A whore that has slept with so many of my friends that I have to be careful who goes in what circle. In fact, when she meet #1 I actually had to put my foot down and tell her that if she chose to sleep with him I would no longer be friends with her anymore, regardless of the situation, I would always choose him over her. She's also an alcoholic which feeds into the whore-ness. She will get loaded every day and go home with a stranger than proceed to tell me the details and cry on my shoulder that the person she's been with hasn't called back. (I know that is a huge statement of judgment, but I don't hold it against her, I just try to help her through it).

Jules was with me when we met the young guy (YG) and TW on Sunday Fun Day. In fact, it was me acting as her wing woman so she could sleep with YG that ended with me actually liking TW. YG is probably the most stand-up, respectful guy you've ever met in your entire life. His heart is gold, he's been through hell and yet he gives and gives. After pulling him along for 3 weeks, YG approached Jules about her feelings towards him in which she informed him that she wanted nothing more than a friendship which hurt the hell out of the poor guy. I saw him two days after and saw a shell of a guy. No matter what her feelings were towards him, it didn't matter to me I wanted him to be happy.

So on Thursday night I had a dream I was at the High with R and they met, fell in love and lived happily ever after. I woke up and immediately asked Jules for his number so I could set them up. At first, she sent it over but after about 3 hours I got a phone call.

"So I need to ask you something."
MG:
"Shoot, but it can't be long because I'm working."

"Is this a pathetic ploy to get back into TW's life?"

At this point I was more than irate. I had already been out with her the 3 previous nights and made no mention of TW unless a friend brought it up. Each time it came up in conversation she would tell my friend she's been listening to me bitch about it for a week. It takes a lot to piss me off, but she was incredibly successful at it. I finally had enough.

"Now I'm pissed. I'm not that type of person, he's a great guy that should be with someone great and if that someone isn't you than I'll find someone who is. I can't even believe you just said that! This doesn't make me want to tell you anything. Don't get this way on me because you threw away gold and don't want anyone to have it. Now, I'm at work so I'll talk to you later."


4 phone calls and a crying message later, I was in my car on my way home when I returned her call. She asked me not to be mad, that she was "just looking out for me" and I informed her it was fine, not to worry, but that YG and R were meeting at 9:30 at the Palamino.

So what happens? She shows up at 9:28. And after they meet and like eachother? She proceeds to get sloshed and call him. Of course.

When it comes down to it, the above situation may not have occurred if I was a bitch. (A) I wouldn't have let Jules walk all over me time and time again and (B) I wouldn't have tried to set YG up because he was a nice guy (C) My actions of setting YG and R up would not have come into question as a "ploy."

So maybe this post is a little less of changing myself and a little more of realizing who to surround myself with. Or maybe it's just a vent.