2 hours of sleep and 10 in the car.

TW rang last night at around 7:00, we met up for good-bye drinks around 8:30 and - oops, ended up out until bar close. We finally ended up back at his place, incredibly intoxicated and started ripping of each other's clothes. By the time we were up to his room, I asked if he had a condom, he grabbed one and - well, nothing happened. He wasn't even hard anymore.

I tried my best to get him up, but to no avail - which he quickly declared "It's not you!" Which, of course being slightly inebriated at the time made me think the exact opposite.

"I gotta go," I said - putting back on my clothes.

"I'll walk you out." He said. We got to the door, I told him to call Monday when I got back into town. I was amazed at how sober the occasion made me.

By the time the cab dropped me off back at my dad's it was 3:00 - I had one hour to get up. Set my alarm clock on the cell and drifted into lala land, but not before calling TW to let him know my disappointment. He didn't pick up.

I overslept, waking up at 5:45, just 15 minutes before we had to leave. Packed up my things when I realized I was missing my necklace from my grandma. I remembered taking it off and placing it on TW's night stand, I must have forgotten it. Then I remembered the call and hesitated trying to think of a way to casually make the incident go away so I could pick it up.

We drove 10 hours through fields and corn and arrived about 6 hours ago in NE. I was ecstatic to find free internet. We unpacked, packed up the dog and headed to dinner and then conversation with some relatives at another hotel. Biting my nails, I decided I would have to call TW.

When we were out last night, a lot of things came to light - like long term date plans, the fact that neither of us are looking for FBs, were looking for potential. What had happened in the MIA 6 weeks, his disappointment in finding I went to RS, my disappointment that he didn't give me a chance to explain. I told him that I wanted to do this right, that I was finally willing to put effort into a relationship. He kissed me.

When I called I got voicemail, which was promptly returned when he mentioned that he was in the shower. He did have my necklace and I could get it back when we went out on Monday. "Really?" I said.

"Yes, really. Now be safe - I'll call you soon."

I hung up the phone, thanking God that whatever I said couldn't have been that bad and at ease for finally asking for things that I really wanted.

This just might work.

And for a little taste of heaven for all of you - please enjoy this lovely picture of corn. Since I'm seeing a lot of it.

Love Survey for the Space.

[01] Do you still have feelings for your ex?
Not really.

[02] Have you ever been given roses?
When I was 16 ...

[03] What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
Sweetest Thing

[04] How many times have you honestly been in love?
Never

[05] Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
Sure, why not?

[06] Do you feel strongly about someone right now?
Considering it.

[07] Have you ever had your heart broken?
By an FB, but not a Boyfriend - how you like them apples?

[8] Your thoughts on online or long distance relationships..
Meet online, sure, done it in the past. Long distance? I have too short of an attention span.

[9] Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
RS?

[10] Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always?"
People can change that only if they want.

[11] How many kids do you want to have?
0-2

[12] What is your favorite color(s)?
Pink. White. Red.

[13] What are your views on gay marriage?
Do it!

[14] Do you believe you truly only love once?
YES!

[15] Imagine ur 79 & your spouse just died, would you re-marry?
Nope, probably not.

[16] At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
Had my first crush in first grade, thought we were supposed to get married because we had the same birthday.

[17] What song do you want to hear at your wedding?
Um... wedding? I'm more about living in sin for awhile.

[18] Do you know someone who likes you?
I'm a pretty likable person.

[19] Do you like anyone?
Considering it.

A little softball, a little cleaning, a grand old time.

As Wednesday nights often go, we headed out in 83 degree weather to the field for softball. When we arrived, there were no bases on the field! The game was delayed for 45 minutes while we waited for the bases to arrive. We were set to play an evenly matched team, but we completely kicked butt (partially due to the fact that the sun was so bright no one could see, but a wins a win)!

In the meantime, I realized my phone was in my car and of course, due to the delay, we were running incredibly late. The game ended at 8:30 and I opted not to go out since I needed to finish cleaning and packing for Nebraska. I looked down at my poor cell phone, abandoned on the floor of my front seat and saw that I had three new voicemails. I turned down Amy Winehouse and put it on speaker as I headed out.

Two were from Di and one was from TW. Turns out he was a little put off by not finding me there in the morning and thought I might be mad and turned the tables, I called him back to assure him that was not the case. We talked for over 30 minutes. It was delightful.

I've decided that this is his one chance to not screw it up and that I'm putting forth happy thoughts in the universe about his potential - chastise all you want, but this is a new approach for me...

In the meantime, I'm headed out with the family tomorrow at 7, yes 7 AM, to Nebraska until Monday, so the blog will be empty unless I find wireless!

450 Jell-O Shots Gone and a Phone Call

With two golf outings under my belt, 450 Jell-O shots gone, a 1/2 sunburned arm (with a gorgeous farmer tan by the way), give-aways given out and the impending approachment of a big seminar I'm hosting tomorrow followed by a sold-out workshop I can't think of anything better to do but work 14 hours and then go out until 3am, can you?

So the golf outing ending yesterday and I went home tired, feet sore and burnt at 10:00 at night. In the process of the night I met a gentleman that could best be described as a Mack Truck (huge and GORGEOUS!), we exchanged numbers before heading home.

I walked into my sweltering apartment and tried to justify whether I would run or go to bed, I slid into my shorts and laid on my bed when the tone of Citizen King blared from my purse. It wasn't a number I recognized, so I picked it up thinking it might be MT.

It wasn't. The voice on the other end was eerily familiar, "I'm sorry, I've been at a golf outing all day - who is this?"

"TW"

"What?"

After apologies for being an a** and excuses for why, I met him at the High with JF. After a couple too many Stellas, we both got up at the same time and he pulled me close and said he really was sorry and then, we kissed. A lot. We ended up back at his place and he tried incredibly hard to have sex, but I just couldn't. He didn't call for 6 weeks and if I was going to have sex with someone, I'd want it to not be a one night stand = especially since we were intoxicated.

He wanted me to spend the night, but after he passed out and I was wide awake all I could do was put the covers over him and sneak out. I like him too much to be a drunken mistake. I got home at 3:30 and was at work by 7:45.

He hasn't called. I guess I made the right decision.

So Tired.

We moved our Milwaukee office all weekend long and I've had tons of meetings this week so far, I'm exhausted. This week also begs a golf outing, which I'll be prepping for all day today. Eh gad.

I've been so busy that I haven't even really had time for me - so not only has it been over a month since I got laid, it's also been over 2 weeks for - well, me time. While I was running yesterday this dingy looking guy walked past with some wicked cologne (in the good wicked sense) and my hormones raged. At some point I'll find time.

It's off to printing certificates!

Overheard in Milwaukee

"If I eat that it'll go to my hips."

"You're so skinny"

"But then you can't see the bones, I mean, what's the point of hip bones if you can't see them?"


*While on a smoke break, 2 teens in bitty shorts.

"And I'd Like to Thank My Mentor"

Just wrapped up summer school today with my latest installment of college kids. Unfortunately, I'll be drunk on a golf course on Thursday so I'll miss their presentations, so as a thank-you they gave me a bottle of Vox.

As the semesters go on the booze keeps getting better. First round was a nice bottle of Absolut, then Skyy, then Skyy 90 and now Vox. I don't even tell them vodka's my favorite!

So tonight I'm going for a jog and then drinking a nice strong lemonade in honor of a semester well done!

3 Times NOT the Charm

I worked all weekend moving our new office, then there was Father's Day, so when the boss-lady said to go home at 3:00, I went with bells on.

At 4:00 I decided to take a jog. It down poured when I was 1/2 a mile from home, so I turned around, dried my clothes and waited it out.

At 5:00 I decided to try again. About 2.5 miles from home I got the same deal, this time not a down pour, so I finished up the 7 miles and went home.

By 8:00 I was bored, so I decided to go out again. 5.5 miles from my house it started to rain AGAIN. Thinking nothing of it, I continued on. Then it down poured, every inch of me was soaked to the bone, my MP3 player was shot, and it took me 2 hours to get home. It sucked.

Apparently, God thinks I look great the way I am ...

Fatherly Advice

I'm always amazed at how my brothers and sister neglect to think about how lucky they are to have our parents. So when Father's day rolled around I called to see what they were bringing to the BBQ - nothing. I ended up rolling out $75.00 on meat (which I don't eat) and another $75 on sides so that my dad didn't have to buy anything - it was utterly ridiculous, I was so ashamed. When pre-prepping all the food, my older brother came over and declared he wouldn't be eating anything that I brought. Nice huh? My little sister finally rolled her Abercrombie a** out of bed about 1/2 an hour before we were supposed to eat, as I hustled in the kitchen to let Dad know that I appreciate him.

As we waited to eat, all my older brother's friends and girlfriends came over. So while he planned on not eating the $125.00 worth of food I bought, they did. With out even a thank-you. And when dinner was done - they all disappeared, leaving me to clean up after 16 people after I cooked all day. I'm not having kids.

At the end of the day, I sat in the living room with just my dad when he made the day worth while. He told me that he knew that this day was all me, and he was grateful. Then we chatted a bit about happenings when it came to RS and Jules, and he gave me this tid bit of advice ...

"An olive tree only has so many branches to pass, how many of those branches are gone before the tree dies?"

Which comes down to stop giving people chance after chance, one or two is fine, but if you keep doing it you're the one that ends up hurt.

Now that's some good fatherly advice.

Welcome back to being 100% single.

So #1 brought up a good point when I was woa-me-ing on Tuesday. He said that for the first time in 4 years I have a brand new opportunity to start all over. He mentioned that every person I kissed was not RS, every person that tried to hold my hand was not RS, every person that wanted to know me was not RS. And no matter how many times I'd look into his big brown puppy dog eyes, he knew that he wasn't RS either.

While #1 and I share everything as friends, it wasn't the same kind of sharing as with RS. When he wrote "out of my shell" he wasn't kidding. I still put up a kitten front with #1, even after 6 years. Finally, he said, I was released from comparing or from even sub-consciously comparing any person to the man I have been infatuated with forever.

That did get me to thinking about how many first kisses will be on the way in the next several months. And it got me reminiscing about the different types I've encountered:

The Teeth Knocker: Oh my, really, you've probably only kissed like 3 girls before. It's that scathing first time your lips touch and when you go in for the real deal, he knocks your teeth to the point you think one might be loose. Granted, you get a second run - maybe you've never kissed someone my height or maybe you were drunk, I mean I've knocked teeth on accident before. But the consistant teeth knocker has got to go.

The Licker: Ew. This rates up with the worst kisser ever. About a year after "the incident" I saw the STC episode where Charlotte was dating one of these guys and it cracked me up. It's the guy that does the sweet kiss and as you pull away still has his tongue out - and you think to yourself, "maybe he does the little tease ..." and then before you know it he's licking your cheek and your nose and you suddenly feel like you've been attacked by a dog for lack of better explanation.

The Biter: I am one to say that I enjoy the lip pull - but have you had the biter? Geez, it was like I was with a vampire and I had a bloody lip afterwards that was swollen for about 3 days. By all means it's the sexiest technique gone awry. Keep your teeth off my lips please.

Practicing ENT Doctor: I'll take a biter over him, the guy that needs to inspect your tonsils with his tongue, like it has a little camera and he just wanted to make sure I didn't have strep. Again, sometimes used in conjunction with the sexy technique of the hands on your neck, but really used as a ploy to go alien on your ass and jet his tongue all the way back out your neck. Eh gad.

But then there's the good ones too ...

Neck Holder: The extremely sexy move where one hand gently hold the back of your head, right under the hairline to tilt you in the right position (as not to knock teeth). Normally encompassed with eyes closed. An extra incentive, the hand moves down your jaw bone ... crap, could get wet just thinking about it.

The Lip Tug: I often believe a man must be amazing in bed if he pulls this off. You kiss a couple times and then as you're easing up on the tongue action, his lips grab your bottom one. Usually followed by an low key "wow" for me.

The Passionate Kisser: Usually most successful after a long dry spell or a drunken night for me, it's the quick, deep kisses where your pinned against a wall, hands over every aspect of any kind of flailing skin. Hottest time ever? Resulted in nakedness up the stairs and sex at the very top, until the roommie walked out and - well, that's why I live alone.

The Zone Kisser: Hands off the neck, okay, hands on the neck followed by your mouth is almost a definite to make my back arch and me want to fall to my knees. Can be done with passion, or sweet reserve. Both pretty much guarantee a BJ if I'm in to you.

I Might Be In Love: Doesn't involve kissing on the lips, tongue, nothing. It's that make-you-melt kiss on the shoulder after a great night out. The peck on the forehead, that point pass passion when you know someone. The friendship kiss, when you realize that it might be more than friends. You know - that kind of kiss.

Oh, Ouch Milwaukee.

This came from Molly's blog, you can read more in context at Molly's Blog.
:
Since plagiarism is now publicly acceptable at PlayintheCity.com, I have decided to distance myself from that group of bloggers and readers as much as possible. I recognize the fact that the blogosphere is still relatively new, and I want to associate myself with a credible and creative group that are determined to take blogging to the next level. I fully expect my share of trolls and ongoing negativity, but at least now I feel like I’ll have more control of where my writing is headed and I have a fresh start and a brand new reader base. I look forward to what's next!

Here's the jist of the post - Visit Milwaukee sponsors 2-3 blogs (can't remember if the 3rd launched at all), they don't pay the writer but they do supply a computer, internet, camera, etc and will get the writer tickets to certain events so they can write about what's going on. By all means, out of the blogs "Play in the City" got the most publicity hit under Erin than compared to "Paint the Town" and then the restaurant blog that was supposed to be launch a year or 2 ago (can't get too much hits since I'm a blog whore and I haven't even seen it). I read about the contest after Erin's turnover and, while from a PR perspective it gives some nice attention to the blog - it, to me, defeats the purpose of what it's actually supposed to be about. In all honesty, I would be more likely to continue reading if it wasn't a war between writers and more-so a quiet turn over.

So to the lovely Molly, I'd like to reassure you on several points on why you should be happy that you didn't win the contest:

(A) Now you can write using swears, vents, etc. with out having to be weary of anyone's input

(B) While you would have been awesome, the blog's credibility was already under shaky ground because of a "contest" - at least in my opinion

(C) And hey! You got to expose a plagiarist!

Wing Woman

Wikipedia's definition of a "WINGMAN"

Wingman is a term in the seduction community that a man may take when he goes to a club or bar with an accompanying male. A wingman is expected to support his friend in approaching women. The men often pick a desired woman, who is referred to as the "target." The man intending to seduce the target is often called the "pilot." The wingman is expected to back up the pilot, which typically entails talking to the target's less attractive friend(s) and making comments that will make the pilot seem more attractive. This is often referred to as "taking one for the team."

Wingwoman is much the same, except there is women doing the same with men.

While taking a moment to reflect on everything that's happened since Monday I started writing in my Neenah Columns book about every relationship I've been in since I was 12. One of the outstanding similarities was "Wing-Woman."

When I was 12, my 13 year old friend wanted to date this guy Steve but I had to go out on double dates (because HELLO we're 12 & 13) so I had to go out with Pete, who was my first boyfriend.

When I was 14, my friend (same age) wanted to do to this drinking party to hook up with this guy John, so we went and I had to distract his friend who turned out to be (gulp) the fiance.

After that, when I was finally out on my own, another friend wanted to date this guy that frequented our bar, but his friend was in town and needed a distraction, so I was it.

Same factor with #1 (and same friend). The pattern continues on and on.

So I've decided that being a wing-woman is evil.

If you're going to be heartbroken...

I guess if you're going to be heartbroken, you want the response I got this morning. I finally felt like I went into stage 2, where I just didn't want to discuss things or cry and then here I am in tears as I read his response to my letter.

1. You are more than a fuck buddy, an amazing one at that, but way
more. You are somebody I can talk with openly and break out of this shell.
That is no small feat. You are cool, smart, fun, super sexy and down
right FUCKING HOT and you should never take a backseat to anyone. I
thought that when you were with the guitarist and I feel that now.

2. When you speak of who I should be with... I don't see you outside of
that at all. Any guy should be proud to be with you. You are the kind
of woman that makes a guy better just being knowing he is with you. If
you know what I mean, the kind of woman that just randomly pops into your
head with a "holy shit I am with MG!" Don't think I didn't have those
moments. I wouldn't have invited you to stay over had I not nor would
I have kept things going.

As when we first started, I said I wouldn't hide things from
you. You know I dig you... and I knew if I didn't find somebody I dug, you
would absolutely find someone you did.

I consider you a friend and absolutely plan on keeping it that way.
I won't cast bad juju on things, but you know I won't lose your number.

I was hoping for no response or for an asshole response. For some reason I was hoping that would be better, but instead I get this. I thought I was good at Dear Johns, turns out he's better.

What friends are for.

In the text message hoopla - I got my normal text from #1 telling me to have a good day. I told him not really. He called at 11 and I just started bawling. I couldn't help it - I think it's the meds.

I'm extremely uncomfortable crying so I use sarcastic humor to ease the pain. "Fuck #1, I mean, I'd switch to women but Jules has gotten me off of them!" Through sobs I managed to get out. He did what he could and told me that there are people out there not like this, and 6 months from now it'll be a good thing. I told him that I still thought what happened 2 years ago with RS was shitty (he did the same thing). He told me he didn't have an answer, but he had a shoulder and promised it would be okay.

After this little antic I sat alone in the office, sneaking on the back porch for a retrospective smoke. I couldn't believe it hurt that much. It hurt even more to know that I sent three Dear John's and didn't get a response from any of them (rejection factor). You so want it to be Hollywood, but that doesn't exist. The nice sweet Dear John isn't making the person on the other side remember how great you are or were, it's a pointless means to closure that will never actually be there.

When the guy in the office came back from lunch he had a bouquet of Stargazers, my favorite flower and a hug. He didn't know what was going on but he was sorry. I didn't need anyone to touch me, I just needed someone to show that there were people out there that cared if I was sad or not.

I wanted to leave early today; however, I've got a meeting with my students at 4:00 which means work ends around 6:00. I'm exhausted.

A Morning of Dear Johns and a Bar Review

So yesterday started with a 6pm meeting at "City Lounge," the new 'cool' bar in Cudahy. Needless to say, in Joe's true fashion it was amazing. While it's a non-smoking bar and I'm a smoker, the atmosphere was light, the drinks cheap the bartenders friendly. You can definitely see the Landmark inspiration, dark & thick wood. But the decorations wield to a light feeling. It's somewhere I'd take a date, my parents, even my grandparents if they were drinking.

Currently they lack a menu which brings me to the Olive Pit with a friend for pizza & Cucumber Press & Vodkas. Then it's a stop at the High to meet up TW's brother-in-law, or whatever he was.

At this point it comes out the TW is seeing someone that he met the day after I left for Dubuque. Which led me to the correct conclusion earlier. I can't say it didn't hurt. I gave up RS for him. Or did I?

So I got home, slightly tipsy and pulled out the old cell that had RS's number in it. We bantered with text and fell asleep. We had an early meeting at work so I rolled out of bed at 5am only to read the persistent beeping text message.

"The truth is I met someone. We haven't done anything or gone out. But I like her."

I responded, "Wow. Okay. I figured. Umm, best of luck!"

I proceeded to the shower and crumpled into a ball in tears. I clutched my knees until the shower went cold the sobs didn't hurt as much as they did in the beginning. Holy shit, everyone was right. I was in love. Holy shit, it hurts.

I strapped up my shoes and buttoned my pants to hear my phone beep again.

"It's not like that, I don't play games. I just met her." followed by "And someone keeps throwing a pity party for himself saying 'MG hates me' and I feel guilty."

At first having no clue what he was talking about, I texted "I always return calls, who are you talking about?"

He responded that it was my ex. That's what hurt the worst. His scapegoat. I texted back "I can't help my past and I'm sick of it being thrown in my face. I can't do this on text."

Then, "What do you want me to do? Call him? I mean I'll leave out the point that you've fucked me for a year because that would be tacky."

He told me that I had to do what would make me happy and that he had to stop feeling bad about it.

I said I was happy. Because I was.

So I went to work and decided to compose 3 letters. One to TW, one to RS and one to the guitarist.

To TW I was honest. I told him I went to see RS. I told him I liked him. I told him I didn't know what happened. But he needed to realize that I'm the sweetest person he'd ever meet and that I was a great catch. It was his decision if he wanted to throw me back. Then I told him I needed closure and to email "fuck off" or "okay" or something so I could move on.

To RS it was painful. Because of my reactions when I'm hurt, I often rely on humor. So this is what he got ...

Grow some balls and ask her out. You're an amazing catch, don't think you're not. You are (1) hot (2) sweet (3) smart, did I mention hot? Because you are. And then there's the piercing, but I mean I wouldn't throw that out there as the pick up line or anything - she can discover that later.

You caught me off guard. I'm sorry that I seemed short. When we started this in August, I knew going into it that at some point you were going to meet someone. I'm not dumb, I swear. The truth is we probably should've stopped a couple months ago because I was starting to feel really good about being with you. That's a sure sign of things to come.

You are probably the most amazing person I know. I will always think of you as more than a fuck buddy, I hope you know that. I'll also always be here if you need a fuck buddy ... :)

I can't help the situation with the guitarist. I get mad at it because on one hand it was probably the worst year of my life. My relationship with him made me not want to be with anyone. But on the other hand, I got to be closer with you. Looking back I think that things would have been different if I would have just turned my back that day, but hindsight is 20/20. I just don't know how to stop him from interfering in my life. It seems that he's always that excuse in the waiting when it comes to us being friends.

You deserve to be with someone who you are proud to be with you. Who you can introduce to your family, someone you can actually call your girlfriend. Someone who isn't a 10pm phone call or a romp in the bed for a couple hours. You deserve someone worth you.

Normally I'd write something like lose my number asshole, but I can't. I want to still keep in touch.

And I still want to screw you if this doesn't work out .... :)

Then I had to handle the demons with the guitarist. I told him I didn't hate him, I couldn't even if I wanted to. And I didn't want to. That I heard his life got turned around and that I was proud of him. That the bumpkin was good and that I wished him all the best.

I hit send on all three and cried. I don't know how I ended up here...

Odd Conversation at Work.

MG: "Hey - do birds pee?"

JS: "What?"

MG: "Well, do they drink water?"

JS: "Pretty sure they do."

MG: "Then they'd have to pee right?"

JS: "I'm not sure. What brought this up?"

MG: "I think a bird just peed on me."

JS: "I'm sure. I don't think it peed on you."

MG: "No, there's something on my shirt. I just want to know if they pee or not."

JS: "Like I said, I don't know."

MG: "Well let's google that sh*t."

One hour later ...

MG: "Birds do pee."

JS: "It took you over an hour to find that out?"

MG: "No, two seconds. But I forgot to tell you and I knew it was important."

JS: Laughing. "I'm sure."

*For all of you dying to know - birds do pee, but one did not pee on my shirt. It was water. Turns out that's what causes the runny-ness that's all over my car windows right now.

"Cool New Bar in Cudahy"

Okay, if you know the area - it's kind of an oxymoron, but still I've heard rumors.

The first rumor is it's called City Lounge, or City Sights, or something of that nature. It's owned by Joe Jr., again if you know the area you've probably seen him at Landmark 1850 which he also runs. He's the owner of a great beer line called Three Dachshunds which I strongly recommend you trying. The other rumor is that it's on the corner of Layton & KK on the little edge where Milwaukee meets Cudahy, right after St. Francis and a jont down from Bay View.

Monday nights are $5.00 martinis, the same sense as Landmark I might add, so I'm checking it out tonight and reporting back tomorrow.

Breaking Up & Respecting Others

Maybe it's the Lutheran up bringing or maybe it's just a point of life - I've always lived by the fact that you respect others (do unto others anyone?). Even if you don't respect yourself, you put others first. Maybe this is a fault of my own; however, I refuse to give up this philosophy no matter how many times my heart hurts or I feel the need to cry.

That's why I've decided that it may be in my best interest to break up with Jules. As you've probably read in previous posts, her behavior and judgment patterns have gotten under my skin these days. She's not in a good place, she doesn't respect herself which makes her one of the biggest whores I know. I didn't have a problem with this behavior when it wasn't hurting anyone but her but she's crossing line after line. We've had discussions about her problems, the drinking, the causal sex, the drugs, the suicidal phone calls at 11:45 at night. I tell her that I love her no matter what, but she needs to stop because it's destroying herself. I mean - it's to the point now where I don't want her to meet my male friends because she will try to sleep with them and I don't want them dying of some STD.

In the last 6 weeks she's had encounters with 3 guys that I would deem "nice guys," guys that I see my personality traits in. She drags them along and destroys them, then blames it on them being "stalkers," "psychos," and "bad in bed."

On Sunday, we have our normal outings. Last week she stayed in Chicago to see her ex-boyfriend (another "nice" guy) and blew me off. This week we were supposed to go out on Sunday and instead of driving from Racine to Milwaukee, she went to Chicago. It's not that her blowing me off is what ticked me off, it's because all week I've had to listen to her say that the relationship with the ex would destroy him all over - like she did 3 years ago to the poor guy. But instead she turned around and went to break his heart.

All I could see is my pattern of relationship with these guys, but in opposite. I'm the dudes that put everything on the line for her, that are there to take care of her while she's drunk, to talk to her when she threatens to kill herself, to take her out to dinner to ensure she'll eat. I'm also the dude that stands there with hands down when she just ups and walks away.

I am not willing to have a relationship this way. That's why we need to break up.

The Delete Factor.

I got slightly toasted before getting home and after leaving work. I suited up for a run. About 1/2 way through there was a park and I felt this intranssient need to lay under a tree as I picked up my cell phone and entered the delete zone.

Thinking that it was time to revamp my life, I thought it would be best to delete anyone that I searched out in drunken stoopers for a little nooky. So "RS" bit the dust, as did "MG" and "BG" and "CB" and "FG," delete when the "Stalker" and the guitarist. I said adios to random Brian's, Kevin's, Chris's and Michaels.

I closed my phone, shut my eyes and then quickly reopened them. What had I just done? I got back up and ran another mile as hard as I could. I got to my door and was leaned over on my knees breathing hard when it dawned on me that my little actions will be quite enlightening since they would have to call me instead of me calling them. Deep breath.

Thinking about leaving.

I went for a run yesterday and forgot my newest MP3 player. I was relieved when I found my old Rio. As I was finishing the corner, and out of breath, "Hang" came on. I forgot how much I love this song by Matchbox 20. I walked up to my door and went outside on the porch with the Bumpkin.

This song always make me want to pack up and leave for Canada.

Because there is no video for this song, check out this cover by a you-tub-er.

Was I in a Time Warp?

Remember being 16 and driving around, there would be another cute guy in the car next to you and you'd flirt back and forth, eventually popping a sheet of paper up in the window with your name and number?

Yeah, this morning was kind of like that. Running late, I jump on 794 and speed downtown. I glance over to the white van next to me as a guy is looking right at me. I turn forward, only to see him looking still. He's pointing to his left finger and shaking his head. I laughed, flashed that I too, had no ring and got off my exit. It was odd to say the least.

What are you doing this weekend?

Today was pay day - yeah day! I paid off all my bills and have just enough to get a new digital camera that will be 1/2 way decent. I'm wondering if it would be poor taste to give my old camera to my Little who loves photography... I think I'll ask her mom if she would be okay with that before I do it.

Big plans for this weekend though. Jules is inviting me to meet Mr. Right that she's convinced that she'll marry tonight. I'm going to try to con them into bowling so I can skit out of there a bit early since work begins at ... drum roll please - 7:30 tomorrow (yes, it's Saturday). Then I'll stick around, do some unsubs and head out at 1:30 to softball practice with, gasp, NA. Let me introduce you to NA. Nice Ass. It started in bowling, this cocky guy with 2 bowling balls that was awful cute kept guttering it. Drunk and funny, I told him I watch his nice ass so he could get a strike - and there it was. It was an on going joke.

So fast forward to the end of bowling season and I invited him to batter up with us in softball to which he agreed. Despite telling me every week that he was going to show, he has yet to make an appearance. I sent him an email explaining how throughly disappointed I was since I suddenly became an amazing pitcher overnight. We've been bantering since Tuesday and I do believe that I may have suddenly become a bit intrigued.

When divulging our weekend plans (he had none) I invited him out to softball practice to which, in my surprise, he said yes. Then said we needed a better way to stay in contact and forked over his number. Hmmm. We'll see what happens. All I know is I'm really in the mood for a little nooky these days (I know, whine, whine - but it's true - love you though Di!)

Just Tired.

This week has been atrocious with hours. I had my meetup on Tuesday, softball yesterday, Big Sister tonight, Jules wants me to meet her friend on Friday night, work from 8am-1:30pm on Saturday followed by softball practice, Sunday I've gotta go out by my parents and start getting together lists for my mom's surprise party. I feel like there's no time to really rest. I'm afraid I'm going to have to bail on Jules as I want to clean my house, and - get this, it's shocking - maybe relax with out the expectation of meeting someone or paying for drinks.

In another news, I ROCKED OUT SOFTBALL LAST NIGHT. I yanked my calf muscle and was not in any shape to play but still went to the game to cheer on the team. Turns out the sprinkles outside scared everyone away and the option was I play or we forfeit. With no shoes, Coach put me on catching until E whined about pitching. So she gave me her shoes (I had only wore flip flops) and I entered the mound. The first five pitches were atrocious until one of our guys yelled to take a step and then throw. Every pitch was perfect! We still lost, but at the end the outfielders yelled "Looks like we got a new pitcher!" and even the a** on our team kept saying "great pitch. beautiful pitch." So that was pretty darn sweet, worth the swollen calf.

What else do I have for you? Not much to report. The love front has been more than dry. I haven't even kissed anyone in 2 weeks.

Something new and exciting - found a new blog that's got 4 contributors called "No Sex & The City" which is quite entertaining - please check it out! NO SEX & THE CITY

Taking a step back.

Jules and I went out last night, I can't say that I'm back in that place before her nasty comment on Friday, but I can't help being there when someone needs me. I'm one of those people that will take in every stray cat or dog ... or person. She recounted her weekend in Chicago to which I nodded my head. I stayed pretty silent during our 2 hour meeting as she told me she needed to stop being a whore and get her head on straight. I nodded. "Baby steps." she said. After her chatter for about 45 straight minutes, she asked if I had heard from TW - I just shook my head "No" - afraid to say that I still hoped he called because that would mean I "bitched non-stop" about it. So I left it at that, finished my beer and headed home and straight to bed after my 12 hour work day.

On the drive home I started reflecting on the theory of the Universe that my boss lives by - put it 100% out there for the Universe, ask what you want and be clear about it, and you'll get it. Her philosophy was that I put out to the Universe that this guy was a train wreck, so it didn't want me to have him. It seemed to make sense.

So I've deleted RS so I have no capability of getting a hold of him, no matter how long it is before I have sex again and I've decided to be very clear about something for the first time in three and a half years... I want to be with someone and not just in the seeing fashion, in the real relationship sense.

No more destructive relationships.

It's a better day.

Today is a much better day compared to yesterday. While sitting at Long's waiting for E to show up for her ticket, I got the "knew-it-was-coming" phone call where she bailed. I sighed, having just ponied up the $200 I owed #1 for all the tickets that were bought. So I called AD from the bar the other night and he trotted out to meet us. Now I'm an actual fan, so this tends to be the only event where I don't pay attention to my phone - call it the summer version of Heroes, but for godsake, please leave me alone for 3 hours to enjoy the like of JJ Hardy & Ryan Braun's butts. That's all a girl wants, oh that and to yell "Fuck Mench!" when they bring him out in the end because it's a hopeless loss. I digress.

About 1/2 way through the game I realize that Jules and E have called and texted at least 1/2 a dozen times, so I listen in on the "why are you angry at me" voicemails which make me teeter on the crazy side. I convince myself to not be a spineless twit and stand up for myself, so I angle back and send a not-so-nice text to E, telling her to get off my nuts - I'm not mad, just a freaking baseball fan. On the way to the High I called Jules who was practically in tears as I declared for the 90th time that nothing was wrong, I just wanted to enjoy my day.

After too many drinks with the AD, I headed home and woke up this morning with a hell of a headache. Thank goodness for meeting after meeting to keep me pre-occupied and for Tylenol. Around noon I realize that I'm now free to sleep with whomever I please, being that the end-of-relationship STD testing came back negative and it's been over 3 weeks since I slept with RS. It's kind of a great feeling and my breasts look fabulous today, so maybe I'll have that end of the night cocktail when my day ends around 8pm....

Dreams.

Dear lord. I'm pretty sure it's not just the now 4 weeks of no-nookie, but I have been having the greatest sexual dreams since Friday. In fact, I woke up at 7:00 on Saturday morning and forced myself back to sleep because I didn't want it to end and I was irate at 11am when Jules called and texted over and over not allowing me to fully engage myself in my head.

Most of the dreams were actually related to past events with RS; however, it didn't feature RS - in fact he really had no face at all. I need to look up what that means...

Changing People.

So the old additive is that you can' t change people, but what if the person that you want to change is yourself? How would that work?

Over the last couple days I've been thinking about my reputation as "such a nice person" and how it rarely gets me anywhere but walked on and hurt. I know plenty of not-so-nice people that tend to get whatever their little hearts desire, from money to men to sex. I've tried to turn into one of these people before, but I always fall back into my comfort zone and end up being that "nice person" again. So what does a person have to do to change?

I used to be a horribly mean person, really. In high school my junior and senior year I was known as a bitch. I changed myself because I hated the reputation. In my sophomore year I had a life changing experience which made me dislike a lot of people that I formally loved, 1/2 way into my senior year I let go of that anger and became the person that people know today - the person that would do anything for anyone at
any time. I'm not saying I want to go back to the hard-ass, I'm just thinking that a little bit of bitchiness might go a long way.

I was chatting with #1 about a situation that occurred on Friday and related how I want to stop being a nice person. He told me it was impossible, because that's not who I am and it's not who I will ever be because it's ingrained in my soul to be who I am. I know he's right but I sometimes wonder how different it would be if I wasn't.

The situation that occurred involved Jules, the girl I've been hanging out around with a lot these days because she's another hurt soul I want to save. One of the huge standards of our friendship has always been "no judgment" which means we can say anything we want about what's going on personally with out the other person passing any kind of conclusion on who we are. For instance, she's a whore. A big huge whore. A whore that has slept with so many of my friends that I have to be careful who goes in what circle. In fact, when she meet #1 I actually had to put my foot down and tell her that if she chose to sleep with him I would no longer be friends with her anymore, regardless of the situation, I would always choose him over her. She's also an alcoholic which feeds into the whore-ness. She will get loaded every day and go home with a stranger than proceed to tell me the details and cry on my shoulder that the person she's been with hasn't called back. (I know that is a huge statement of judgment, but I don't hold it against her, I just try to help her through it).

Jules was with me when we met the young guy (YG) and TW on Sunday Fun Day. In fact, it was me acting as her wing woman so she could sleep with YG that ended with me actually liking TW. YG is probably the most stand-up, respectful guy you've ever met in your entire life. His heart is gold, he's been through hell and yet he gives and gives. After pulling him along for 3 weeks, YG approached Jules about her feelings towards him in which she informed him that she wanted nothing more than a friendship which hurt the hell out of the poor guy. I saw him two days after and saw a shell of a guy. No matter what her feelings were towards him, it didn't matter to me I wanted him to be happy.

So on Thursday night I had a dream I was at the High with R and they met, fell in love and lived happily ever after. I woke up and immediately asked Jules for his number so I could set them up. At first, she sent it over but after about 3 hours I got a phone call.

"So I need to ask you something."
MG:
"Shoot, but it can't be long because I'm working."

"Is this a pathetic ploy to get back into TW's life?"

At this point I was more than irate. I had already been out with her the 3 previous nights and made no mention of TW unless a friend brought it up. Each time it came up in conversation she would tell my friend she's been listening to me bitch about it for a week. It takes a lot to piss me off, but she was incredibly successful at it. I finally had enough.

"Now I'm pissed. I'm not that type of person, he's a great guy that should be with someone great and if that someone isn't you than I'll find someone who is. I can't even believe you just said that! This doesn't make me want to tell you anything. Don't get this way on me because you threw away gold and don't want anyone to have it. Now, I'm at work so I'll talk to you later."


4 phone calls and a crying message later, I was in my car on my way home when I returned her call. She asked me not to be mad, that she was "just looking out for me" and I informed her it was fine, not to worry, but that YG and R were meeting at 9:30 at the Palamino.

So what happens? She shows up at 9:28. And after they meet and like eachother? She proceeds to get sloshed and call him. Of course.

When it comes down to it, the above situation may not have occurred if I was a bitch. (A) I wouldn't have let Jules walk all over me time and time again and (B) I wouldn't have tried to set YG up because he was a nice guy (C) My actions of setting YG and R up would not have come into question as a "ploy."

So maybe this post is a little less of changing myself and a little more of realizing who to surround myself with. Or maybe it's just a vent.

Ignorance by Nurture not Nature

I was out with my little yesterday, enjoying a dinner when I asked her about schools. She informed me that she wanted to go to the all girls school, "but there's lots of lesbians there and I ain't hanging out with no dykes." I was in shock - it's 2007 and this is the kind of ignorance we're breeding into our children? I did my best to smooth the situation telling her that in my industry there are lots of gay people and they're just like us - that it's my belief that you're born that way so if you're straight a gay person is very unlikely to turn you. Her ignorance didn't want to be heard. Here we were at my favorite cafe and I was bright red with embarrassment since she didn't feel the need to be quiet about her beliefs.

That's when I realized being a Big isn't going to be all fun and games, it's going to be educational and eye opening. Change starts with one person.

On the other hand, JF got let go due to budget restraints so I finally was able to sneak a night away from him. We haven't seen each other in a couple months, so when he saw me he hugged me and said, "I don't think I've ever seen you look this good!" I explained that people have been saying that a lot ever since I started feeling like shit - but I've been running and eating right as to get my mind off of men these days and it seems to be working out okay for me. It was a much needed ego-boost on my behalf.