Our pitch went well at work - so well that they are still chatting, which means that I get to sneak out of here at 5:00! I'm headed to a PM session at the gym since I went a tad bit over board on the caloric intake today and I think I'll pop in my Yoga tape for my relaxation tonight, not to mention my mom is babysitting the baby for my sister again which means I may get to rock the little square head to bed again :) I think I should probably do my taxes as well come to think of it. Okay! Busy night!
I've been sex crazy lately - but still on path with my new years resolution, though teetering. I could just use the one night, the five minutes ... the feel of my naked skin against a girthy body (BODY I said not anything else ---), hot breath on my neck ... perhaps I should see what Mr. D is up to? Perhaps not ... I bet he's damn manly naked. Good thoughts, good thoughts.
I do have to say that picture which includes my naked leg is turning me on - is it wrong that it's turning me on? Nah. Means all this hardwork is paying off.
I can tell you one thing for sure, not going to call #1 up ... nope. I actually felt horrible after he kissed me (and this isn't the first time I've felt that way).
I've got all these crazy pictures in my head for the campaign I've been dreaming up, I should put some effort into sketching them up. I also want to ditch this generic background on my blog and customize a bit! So much going through my head ... should have watched the caffine today.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
The start of something new
One of my greatest passions is photography and it's one that I've been ignoring for awhile. To up my mood, I've opted to create a photography campaign. Here's one of my first photos I'm working on - an all black & white campaign. More to come!
A little piece of me that I keep forgetting
When I was 21 I got out of a bad relationship. I was a classics major and decided to add a piece of me that would remind me that I was born again and free and that no one could take that away from me, so I got a piece of artwork on my back - a beautiful phoenix.
I don't see it everyday as a reminder, so occassionally I take a picture of myself drenched just in a blanket and I place it on my bookshelf. I did it again this weekend, partly to see if you could tell how much weight I've gained/lost from a couple of years, partly to help me feel sexy and remind me not to loose my curves and partly to tell myself that I escaped one bad relationship and I'm a new person.
This also goes into the fact that I need to start hiding who I am. To tell you honestly, this tattoo belongs only to me and anyone who sees it will know instantly it's owner. It's a baby step in exposing who I really am and taking credit for my work.
Trailer Trash? Rough Weekend
Since the last post was an intoxicated one - I'll recap the weekend here.
Friday sucked. I wanted to go to the gym and busted my a$$ to get out of work - but no. I'm stuck here until 7:30 and cranky as hell. I went home and went to bed.
On Saturday I woke up, went to the gym. My knee still throbbed, so I tried swimming instead and chilled in the hot tub a bit. I went home, cleaned my car and started laundry. I had to drop the little bro off at work, so I hit up my stomping ground for a drink (in my much too big, yet still sexy, black skirt). Had a bit of fun with text messaging - hit up Mr. D & #1.
All the sudden my phone rings, it says it's #1. I pick it up "hey darling." The voice says it's not my darling - OMG! It's one of his friends who entices me to come to the dart tourney they are playing in. The big issue with #1 was the "dirty secret" factor - but here it is, his friends know now. Mr. D also called, still cranky - I invite him to the dart tourney and then to grab dinner.
I arrived to the jubilient hugs of #1's friends. It was nice. Two hours later Mr. D showed up, I told him we could leave for dinner - he just ordered soup to eat there. I bounced between him and #1 (who knew he was coming) and then it was 8:00, time flew by. I walked him to his car, picked up my bro and headed back to the tourney.
They had lost but #1 was still there - I drove him to his car and that's when my pathetic melt down happened. It started with "What was that guys deal?" I explained we had been seeing eachother for about a month now and he just had mouth surgery. He got on that friend-defensive, "You looked amazing tonight and the only time he noticed was when you were talking to us." I told him I did feel a bit jaded by the issue. He kissed me.
(This is the pathetic part - no mean comments about it, it is an explanation of how completely miserable I am in my life right now)
He quit in the middle because he said he knew something was up and just not right. He wanted to know what happened. I spilt the beans about #3 and all that jazz. That's how it started. In shock he said, "Did you have sex with him?" I just shook my head and he hugged me a bit in distress. He assured me someday I will find someone. I shook my head no.
He got pissed, rightfully so. But here's the thing - I'm not going to pretend to be all happy-go-lucky around him - the major benefit of #1 is I get to be 100% myself and he needs to accept the fact that yeah, I am a girl.
I told hiim about our family conversation the other day, how my sister will give me her engagement ring - because I'll never get (another) one. I told him it was funny at first but she's right, I won't. He kept yelling "You're only 25. I'm 30 and I'm not worried." Then I uttered something I think all the time - I just should have married my fiancee when I had the chance. That was the epitimy of the night.
I was in tears and it just kept coming. I told him every morning I wake up and realize how pathetic I am. Every morning I hope something will happen where I'll end up dead and just end this terrible mess. Now that's not something a person says, but hack it up to too many beers and there it was - the truth.
He told me that I was smart and I was pretty - why if I had such little confidence am I going to the gym all the time? The truth, so someday some body will crave looking at me. Because it's the only thing I have a slight amount of control about right now.
He said we had to continue this later. I drove home and sat in my shower bawling, letting the smell of cigarettes and booze wash off of me. I deleted Mr. D's number. I'm sick of contacting him - he'll need to make up for the rejection now. I went to bed.
A night of on/off sleeping ended and I went to have family breakfast by my mom's as I do every Sunday - only to get a call from a very angry father about laundry and everything else that's wrong with his pathetic excuse for a daughter. I begged him to not be an asshole to me that morning. He hung up. He called back immediately, ridiculing me and telling me I'm nothing but trailer trash and will spend my life alone. I told him to watch his tounge and to take note that I'm looking for a new place to live.
In tears, I couldn't eat. My mom was so angry she called him and in her nicest fashion said she would come over and help me clean. She walked into my place and said, "This isn't bad at all." It took us 15 minutes to clean everything and then as a "reward" we decided to practice gambling for Vegas at the local casino. We ended up winning :) and put the money away for Vegas. Secretly, I wanted to keep the cash and put it into the moving out fund but it was her cash to start with so I went with the flow.
I went to my sister's house that night and rocked the baby to sleep. It was calming. I got some of my pent-up dad's an asshole aggression out on her and we watched her DVRed Ghost Whisperer. I went home, caught Grey's Anatomy and went to bed.
I didn't wake up to go to the gym this morning.
Friday sucked. I wanted to go to the gym and busted my a$$ to get out of work - but no. I'm stuck here until 7:30 and cranky as hell. I went home and went to bed.
On Saturday I woke up, went to the gym. My knee still throbbed, so I tried swimming instead and chilled in the hot tub a bit. I went home, cleaned my car and started laundry. I had to drop the little bro off at work, so I hit up my stomping ground for a drink (in my much too big, yet still sexy, black skirt). Had a bit of fun with text messaging - hit up Mr. D & #1.
All the sudden my phone rings, it says it's #1. I pick it up "hey darling." The voice says it's not my darling - OMG! It's one of his friends who entices me to come to the dart tourney they are playing in. The big issue with #1 was the "dirty secret" factor - but here it is, his friends know now. Mr. D also called, still cranky - I invite him to the dart tourney and then to grab dinner.
I arrived to the jubilient hugs of #1's friends. It was nice. Two hours later Mr. D showed up, I told him we could leave for dinner - he just ordered soup to eat there. I bounced between him and #1 (who knew he was coming) and then it was 8:00, time flew by. I walked him to his car, picked up my bro and headed back to the tourney.
They had lost but #1 was still there - I drove him to his car and that's when my pathetic melt down happened. It started with "What was that guys deal?" I explained we had been seeing eachother for about a month now and he just had mouth surgery. He got on that friend-defensive, "You looked amazing tonight and the only time he noticed was when you were talking to us." I told him I did feel a bit jaded by the issue. He kissed me.
(This is the pathetic part - no mean comments about it, it is an explanation of how completely miserable I am in my life right now)
He quit in the middle because he said he knew something was up and just not right. He wanted to know what happened. I spilt the beans about #3 and all that jazz. That's how it started. In shock he said, "Did you have sex with him?" I just shook my head and he hugged me a bit in distress. He assured me someday I will find someone. I shook my head no.
He got pissed, rightfully so. But here's the thing - I'm not going to pretend to be all happy-go-lucky around him - the major benefit of #1 is I get to be 100% myself and he needs to accept the fact that yeah, I am a girl.
I told hiim about our family conversation the other day, how my sister will give me her engagement ring - because I'll never get (another) one. I told him it was funny at first but she's right, I won't. He kept yelling "You're only 25. I'm 30 and I'm not worried." Then I uttered something I think all the time - I just should have married my fiancee when I had the chance. That was the epitimy of the night.
I was in tears and it just kept coming. I told him every morning I wake up and realize how pathetic I am. Every morning I hope something will happen where I'll end up dead and just end this terrible mess. Now that's not something a person says, but hack it up to too many beers and there it was - the truth.
He told me that I was smart and I was pretty - why if I had such little confidence am I going to the gym all the time? The truth, so someday some body will crave looking at me. Because it's the only thing I have a slight amount of control about right now.
He said we had to continue this later. I drove home and sat in my shower bawling, letting the smell of cigarettes and booze wash off of me. I deleted Mr. D's number. I'm sick of contacting him - he'll need to make up for the rejection now. I went to bed.
A night of on/off sleeping ended and I went to have family breakfast by my mom's as I do every Sunday - only to get a call from a very angry father about laundry and everything else that's wrong with his pathetic excuse for a daughter. I begged him to not be an asshole to me that morning. He hung up. He called back immediately, ridiculing me and telling me I'm nothing but trailer trash and will spend my life alone. I told him to watch his tounge and to take note that I'm looking for a new place to live.
In tears, I couldn't eat. My mom was so angry she called him and in her nicest fashion said she would come over and help me clean. She walked into my place and said, "This isn't bad at all." It took us 15 minutes to clean everything and then as a "reward" we decided to practice gambling for Vegas at the local casino. We ended up winning :) and put the money away for Vegas. Secretly, I wanted to keep the cash and put it into the moving out fund but it was her cash to start with so I went with the flow.
I went to my sister's house that night and rocked the baby to sleep. It was calming. I got some of my pent-up dad's an asshole aggression out on her and we watched her DVRed Ghost Whisperer. I went home, caught Grey's Anatomy and went to bed.
I didn't wake up to go to the gym this morning.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
How pathetic is ...
Crying on the shoulder of the only guy you've ever had feelings for? I went out with Mr. D tonight, still recovering from his mouth surgery and only to be 100% rejected and have #1 (who was also there) say, "why wasn't that guy into you? You looked hot ..."
Well that was it, I was all tears and, it was mostly the beer, that devoluged my inner most feelings. "I want to run away to Canada but I don't have 10K and I'm hoping this cancer scare is real so I can reject treatment and die in piece." He asked me why I go to the gym so much and I admitted - because I hope someone one day finds me attractive beyond just wanting to have sex with me, but no matter how I try it hasn't happened.
The sad thing is he's the only guy I was okay with just being me around. He told me it kills him to see me this way, why do I try so hard to be that "girl" - I told him because I want to not be the transition girl, but that's what I am. I'm the fuck in between girlfriends. It was disgusting - but it was the truth. He told me he wished he didn't have to go to a friend's birthday, he'd just let me cry all night. God, that's all I've ever wanted - that reaction.
Pathetic, but true. Now I'm curled up with the only boy that loves me back - my cat.
It felt good to cry, to release. We'll see what else this life brings.
Well that was it, I was all tears and, it was mostly the beer, that devoluged my inner most feelings. "I want to run away to Canada but I don't have 10K and I'm hoping this cancer scare is real so I can reject treatment and die in piece." He asked me why I go to the gym so much and I admitted - because I hope someone one day finds me attractive beyond just wanting to have sex with me, but no matter how I try it hasn't happened.
The sad thing is he's the only guy I was okay with just being me around. He told me it kills him to see me this way, why do I try so hard to be that "girl" - I told him because I want to not be the transition girl, but that's what I am. I'm the fuck in between girlfriends. It was disgusting - but it was the truth. He told me he wished he didn't have to go to a friend's birthday, he'd just let me cry all night. God, that's all I've ever wanted - that reaction.
Pathetic, but true. Now I'm curled up with the only boy that loves me back - my cat.
It felt good to cry, to release. We'll see what else this life brings.
Decision time ...
Again, my knee was so sore this morning. This is putting a damper on my gym schedule. I figured I'd go anyway and hope that it loosened up when I got there - it didn't. I made the decision to do a bit of weights and then sit in the hot tub.
I then opted to go to the store and get some hair dye - not to change karma (because that doesn't work) but to help myself feel sexy. While there I saw this kick a$$ skirt and decided it was a steel at $10 - so I decided to buy it and that I WILL go out tonight.
Thing is, I got home and tried it on, lesson learned - TRY THINGS ON IN THE STORE! I may not be downing the pounds as I would like but it just didn't fit, it's huge! So now I'm really feeling sexy!
I then opted to go to the store and get some hair dye - not to change karma (because that doesn't work) but to help myself feel sexy. While there I saw this kick a$$ skirt and decided it was a steel at $10 - so I decided to buy it and that I WILL go out tonight.
Thing is, I got home and tried it on, lesson learned - TRY THINGS ON IN THE STORE! I may not be downing the pounds as I would like but it just didn't fit, it's huge! So now I'm really feeling sexy!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Guess no gym tonight ...
I am still at work - 12 glorious hours, no lunch break and way too much office munchies. I'm exhausted - too exhausted to do anything but go home and go to bed; but that isn't happeneing for another hour or so, then add in the 45 minut drive - I'll get home and be wired.
I've been feeling a bit sluttly lately, to no avail as usual... maybe I can get some people to go out tomorrow or Sunday.
I've given up on Mr. D, I have a short attention span and he's exceeded it now. It's not like I want to be with someone every day or even talk to them that often - but it's going on three weeks here and I'm just getting anxious to get some.
Lord, I need to clean out my cube this weekend. I can't even walk in it or anything!
Back to the bump and grind and then hopefully to home and to bed!
I've been feeling a bit sluttly lately, to no avail as usual... maybe I can get some people to go out tomorrow or Sunday.
I've given up on Mr. D, I have a short attention span and he's exceeded it now. It's not like I want to be with someone every day or even talk to them that often - but it's going on three weeks here and I'm just getting anxious to get some.
Lord, I need to clean out my cube this weekend. I can't even walk in it or anything!
Back to the bump and grind and then hopefully to home and to bed!
Ow - my aching knee
Last night was so relaxing. My sister has taken in a little baby (she's 10 months now) who's Mom died of cancer. It's pretty sad, she was diagnoised shortly after having the baby and spent the next several months in the hospital until she died about a month ago. The little girl has TERRIBLE seperation anxiety from being bounced back and forth so much, it's so sad. Around 8:00 she was a bit tired and I just sat there and rubbed her back until she fell sound asleep. My sister showed up about 15 minutes later to take her home - what I wouldn't have done for a couple more minutes of holding her, it was so comforting. I got my baby fix on for a little while - but not too long, as I still don't want them at this point (pretty much would need to find a guy to help out with that anyhow).
I woke up this morning with a throbbing knee, I must have slept on it funny. Decided to skip the gym and do some work from home instead to give it a break. Hopefully, I'll feel up to par so I can hit the gym tonight and at least work in a bit of cardio.
I didn't answer the phone all day at work since I was so busy, the light is blinking and killing me! At noon I had 6 messages - I'm sure I'm up to about 12 now and all of those maronic guys asking about batteries. They drive me nuts!
Should get back to work, those messages aren't going to answer themselves.
I woke up this morning with a throbbing knee, I must have slept on it funny. Decided to skip the gym and do some work from home instead to give it a break. Hopefully, I'll feel up to par so I can hit the gym tonight and at least work in a bit of cardio.
I didn't answer the phone all day at work since I was so busy, the light is blinking and killing me! At noon I had 6 messages - I'm sure I'm up to about 12 now and all of those maronic guys asking about batteries. They drive me nuts!
Should get back to work, those messages aren't going to answer themselves.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Things may be starting to look up
So I've decided to go with the option of the second job (thanks BZ). I was looking for the paper and my old gym is hiring a bartender PT/nights, some weekends AND you get a free gym membership! I used to go to this bar and knew one of the guys who bartended - he didn't make a ton of cash or anything, but that gym membership would save me money every month and every cent that I would make would technically be "bonus" move-out cash. I think I will stop by after my workout tonight and see if it's still open.
On the boy front, Mr. D isn't feeling to hot having his wisdom teeth yanked out and all but I am looking forward to seeing him sometime in the near future - hopefully this weekend...
I spent some quality time with my mom last night (#3's biggest supporter) and told her about the text conversation - she was appauled by it. She said what another girl at work told me - he puts on this "I'm a nice guy" front and then it turns out he's just like the rest of him. We won't push the relationship anymore ... so tell me about Mr. D and how that's working out...
I'm not sure if it's the fact that #3 is out of the picture or if it's the fact that I might kind of like Mr. D, but I'm actually opening up myself up to the possibility right now.
Gotta get in 15 more minutes of work and then it's off to the gym for a short workout only to be followed to another gym routine after work (oh yeah, and 15 minutes in the tanning bed :) )
On the boy front, Mr. D isn't feeling to hot having his wisdom teeth yanked out and all but I am looking forward to seeing him sometime in the near future - hopefully this weekend...
I spent some quality time with my mom last night (#3's biggest supporter) and told her about the text conversation - she was appauled by it. She said what another girl at work told me - he puts on this "I'm a nice guy" front and then it turns out he's just like the rest of him. We won't push the relationship anymore ... so tell me about Mr. D and how that's working out...
I'm not sure if it's the fact that #3 is out of the picture or if it's the fact that I might kind of like Mr. D, but I'm actually opening up myself up to the possibility right now.
Gotta get in 15 more minutes of work and then it's off to the gym for a short workout only to be followed to another gym routine after work (oh yeah, and 15 minutes in the tanning bed :) )
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Well ain't that a kick in the face ...
Bad, bad, bad. I'm doing some research for work on facial hair - which #3 has plenty of, so I thought I might be able to interview him, not to mention get to see him because we all know that I have feelings for him. It was all over text, and here's how it went.
MG: So, what's the possibility of me interviewing you on your facial hair strategy?
3: If you can catch me sure.
MG: Your house one hour.
I then did an interview with two guys, so I was a way from my phone for about 5 minutes, so he got a bit nervous
3: Actually, I have choir practice.
3: Actually, I was feeling major guilt over last time.
3: And, well, I met someone last week and we got along uber good (sidenote: you are 35 and you just said uber?)
3: She's a nerd just like me, it's great. Great conversation, great everything (little salt in the wound, how the hell are you supposed to respond to that?)
I've now returned to the on slaught of four text messages, thoroughly punching me in the stomach. Great, I'm a fabulous transition girl. Out of the last six guys I've dated, seen, FBed they all (except one) immediately got into a relationship following our break up.
MG: Great! Couldn't happen to a better guy.
3: She's great, and thanks.
MG: That's what I'm hear for, or so they say.
3: What's that supposed to mean?
MG: I'm a cap.
3: Then I'm psychotic.
MG: I get what you are trying to say here and not sure how to respond (he's a gemini - dual personalities)
3: I'm a gem.
MG: Hello old man - classics degree, I got that.
MG: We are done texting now, right?
Two hours later, while on the phone with Mr. D (who is going in for surgery tomorrow) I get the response "Yeppers."
I toyed with the idea of just deleting his number so that I will no longer be tempted to communicate with him, but i didn't.
In my desperation I also texted #1 that I was sorry for everything, turns out I was wrong in my new years resolution - I can't be the person I was hoping to be.
That was the lightbulb of the evening. I've done what I could to be the good girl, to be the marriage material, to be the girl that can drink a beer with you and the boys then turn around and screw your brains out in the bathroom of the bar. There are comments that always come in hand after each of the men I date:
(1) You are so awesome, you are beautiful and you taught me what it was like to be in a good relationship.
(2) My self esteem went up when I was with you (sidenote: which is why I cheated on you and/or started seeing other people)
(3) I've never had so much fun with sex in my entire life (sidenote: obviously doesn't apply to the situation with #3)
And the fact is that maybe I'm just the transition girl and there's nothing wrong with that, just need to guard the old heart a little bit more.
This rejection is a good thing too, it means that I'm getting my butt in shape. Yes, I go to the gym all the time but I'm really not putting that extra effort in and I'm not watching what I'm eating. The next time he sees me, I'll be in a bikini with abs to die for. It also means that I'm letting go (hail to Carrie Underwood) and it's an opportunity to not hang onto the image that we should be together, which leaves me open for better (and more richer :) ) things.
MG: So, what's the possibility of me interviewing you on your facial hair strategy?
3: If you can catch me sure.
MG: Your house one hour.
I then did an interview with two guys, so I was a way from my phone for about 5 minutes, so he got a bit nervous
3: Actually, I have choir practice.
3: Actually, I was feeling major guilt over last time.
3: And, well, I met someone last week and we got along uber good (sidenote: you are 35 and you just said uber?)
3: She's a nerd just like me, it's great. Great conversation, great everything (little salt in the wound, how the hell are you supposed to respond to that?)
I've now returned to the on slaught of four text messages, thoroughly punching me in the stomach. Great, I'm a fabulous transition girl. Out of the last six guys I've dated, seen, FBed they all (except one) immediately got into a relationship following our break up.
MG: Great! Couldn't happen to a better guy.
3: She's great, and thanks.
MG: That's what I'm hear for, or so they say.
3: What's that supposed to mean?
MG: I'm a cap.
3: Then I'm psychotic.
MG: I get what you are trying to say here and not sure how to respond (he's a gemini - dual personalities)
3: I'm a gem.
MG: Hello old man - classics degree, I got that.
MG: We are done texting now, right?
Two hours later, while on the phone with Mr. D (who is going in for surgery tomorrow) I get the response "Yeppers."
I toyed with the idea of just deleting his number so that I will no longer be tempted to communicate with him, but i didn't.
In my desperation I also texted #1 that I was sorry for everything, turns out I was wrong in my new years resolution - I can't be the person I was hoping to be.
That was the lightbulb of the evening. I've done what I could to be the good girl, to be the marriage material, to be the girl that can drink a beer with you and the boys then turn around and screw your brains out in the bathroom of the bar. There are comments that always come in hand after each of the men I date:
(1) You are so awesome, you are beautiful and you taught me what it was like to be in a good relationship.
(2) My self esteem went up when I was with you (sidenote: which is why I cheated on you and/or started seeing other people)
(3) I've never had so much fun with sex in my entire life (sidenote: obviously doesn't apply to the situation with #3)
And the fact is that maybe I'm just the transition girl and there's nothing wrong with that, just need to guard the old heart a little bit more.
This rejection is a good thing too, it means that I'm getting my butt in shape. Yes, I go to the gym all the time but I'm really not putting that extra effort in and I'm not watching what I'm eating. The next time he sees me, I'll be in a bikini with abs to die for. It also means that I'm letting go (hail to Carrie Underwood) and it's an opportunity to not hang onto the image that we should be together, which leaves me open for better (and more richer :) ) things.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
My stomach just grew two inches
I weighed my options as such around noon today. I could go to the gym for 15 minutes (travel time+showertime=45min) or I could work through it and get to leave here around 5:15 to make it for my 6:05 tanning appointment and potentially work out for an additional hour. But then comes the wild card of do I have a date with Mr. D tonight? I don't think I do - but his teeth are getting pulled tomorrow and he agreed (on my way up to the UP) that he owed me a date.
In my nothingness this morning, I grabbed a stained shirt (I think I posted that? My head is all clouds today) and I really don't want to see him with a stained shirt, though low lighting would help conceal it. I'm tempted to make the move and call him today but he NEVER calls me and perhaps I shouldn't be so easy (not in the sex sense - I'm still keeping with those resolutions). That is the random rant of the hour.
Back to my options, so instead I ordered a wrap from the local deli and pigged out - all out and it wasn't even that good. I feel like my stomach is two inches larger right now and I'm getting tired from being so full, stupid, stupid girl.
Lately my mind has been drifting to my life long goal of owning my own pub. My friend from IA and I had started this idea a few months before she left and I occassionally write articles and keep them in my documents folder (some of which I posted back when I started this blog). Here's the concept: The pub is for REAL women and would showcase articles and fashion shoots with real people. A lot of this came to being when I was struggling with eating disorders (if you want to know all the horrific tales of what I did to my body over the last decade plus - it's my first entry on Fabulous at 25). I wished I could open up a pub and see real women looking beautiful and articles that pertained to me. Originally the concept was geared towards that akward not Seventeen but not Cosmo age range; however I now qualify in the market of Cosmo so I'd be a bit off. To continue ... it's always something I wanted to do and something I'm pretty sure I could be pretty good at, just never had the funds to start it off, but with my mind wandering back I'm starting to think that an online version might be easy to handle and start a readership base. Not sure, just one of those things I'm throwing out there.
It's already 2:00 here and time is flying by - though, now that I've looked, it might just creep by for the next three hours. I'm having some focus issues right now so I took a break, but if I'm going to make that tanning appointment I better hop back to it.
In my nothingness this morning, I grabbed a stained shirt (I think I posted that? My head is all clouds today) and I really don't want to see him with a stained shirt, though low lighting would help conceal it. I'm tempted to make the move and call him today but he NEVER calls me and perhaps I shouldn't be so easy (not in the sex sense - I'm still keeping with those resolutions). That is the random rant of the hour.
Back to my options, so instead I ordered a wrap from the local deli and pigged out - all out and it wasn't even that good. I feel like my stomach is two inches larger right now and I'm getting tired from being so full, stupid, stupid girl.
Lately my mind has been drifting to my life long goal of owning my own pub. My friend from IA and I had started this idea a few months before she left and I occassionally write articles and keep them in my documents folder (some of which I posted back when I started this blog). Here's the concept: The pub is for REAL women and would showcase articles and fashion shoots with real people. A lot of this came to being when I was struggling with eating disorders (if you want to know all the horrific tales of what I did to my body over the last decade plus - it's my first entry on Fabulous at 25). I wished I could open up a pub and see real women looking beautiful and articles that pertained to me. Originally the concept was geared towards that akward not Seventeen but not Cosmo age range; however I now qualify in the market of Cosmo so I'd be a bit off. To continue ... it's always something I wanted to do and something I'm pretty sure I could be pretty good at, just never had the funds to start it off, but with my mind wandering back I'm starting to think that an online version might be easy to handle and start a readership base. Not sure, just one of those things I'm throwing out there.
It's already 2:00 here and time is flying by - though, now that I've looked, it might just creep by for the next three hours. I'm having some focus issues right now so I took a break, but if I'm going to make that tanning appointment I better hop back to it.
Monday, January 23, 2006
I have a dirty little secret ...
I am attempting to clean. I swear. But here's my dirty little secret. I usually wash my sheets every week, but I didn't because I was in Michigan. Once and awhile I spray down my sheets with a body spray - today, Plumeria - so that I feel sexy for the night - even if it is by myself.
And that's my literal, dirty little secret.
And that's my literal, dirty little secret.
I've said it 100 times ...
I need to move. I came home from a relaxing trip to the U.P. only to have a note written by my father about how I need to keep up my place better. I pay this man a lot of money a month to live in his basement (it's supposed to be an arrangement to "save" money; however taking a good chunk of disposable income a month doesn't quite save money) and, in reality, I have not been saving as I had planned because no matter how many times I try to convince myself to move out - I can't seem to put the money away. On top of it all, he keeps mentioning how broke he is, so a bit of daughter-fed guilt has made me not take the plunge and save away for getting out.
I managed to get myself into a lot of college and post-college debt and don't really have the credit rating to pay a standard move-in of security deposit plus first month's rent (not to mention get the "free" deals that are going on right now), instead I'm faced with a double security deposit and first months rent (which around these parts comes out to about $2000). So instead of relaxing last night I crunched numbers to see how long it would be before I could move - 7 freaking months and that's being pretty damn stingy. That leaves me a mere $200 a month for groceries and gas (gas alone these days is about $240-$300). To top it off, I was hoping my tax return might make for the down payment - but it turns out one year post college means no HOPE credit and means a total of $80 for a return.
I looked desperately around my destitute living quarters and silently tallied up the cost of everything I own, which sadly would realistically be around $300. I had sold everything good a couple months back as I was trying to make rent and pay back my student loans.
So here are my options:
(1) Continue being miserable, living at home. Not wanting to come home, because I live in my dad's basement and I'm 25.
(2) Live in Dad's basement for 7 months to try and save up the money to move out. 7 long months.
(3) Find another job to occupy what little free time I have to make up the income and possibly move out in 3-4 months.
(4) Find a roommate, move out and have to live with a roommate, again. Which never really works out for me.
I go back and forth on the second job, I'm dead tired as is and have no free time - but I'm going to look anyway. I might be able to make just enough to work at the position for ONLY the month before moving and be able to afford a semi-decent place.
Let's hope the other job I applied for calls soon.
I managed to get myself into a lot of college and post-college debt and don't really have the credit rating to pay a standard move-in of security deposit plus first month's rent (not to mention get the "free" deals that are going on right now), instead I'm faced with a double security deposit and first months rent (which around these parts comes out to about $2000). So instead of relaxing last night I crunched numbers to see how long it would be before I could move - 7 freaking months and that's being pretty damn stingy. That leaves me a mere $200 a month for groceries and gas (gas alone these days is about $240-$300). To top it off, I was hoping my tax return might make for the down payment - but it turns out one year post college means no HOPE credit and means a total of $80 for a return.
I looked desperately around my destitute living quarters and silently tallied up the cost of everything I own, which sadly would realistically be around $300. I had sold everything good a couple months back as I was trying to make rent and pay back my student loans.
So here are my options:
(1) Continue being miserable, living at home. Not wanting to come home, because I live in my dad's basement and I'm 25.
(2) Live in Dad's basement for 7 months to try and save up the money to move out. 7 long months.
(3) Find another job to occupy what little free time I have to make up the income and possibly move out in 3-4 months.
(4) Find a roommate, move out and have to live with a roommate, again. Which never really works out for me.
I go back and forth on the second job, I'm dead tired as is and have no free time - but I'm going to look anyway. I might be able to make just enough to work at the position for ONLY the month before moving and be able to afford a semi-decent place.
Let's hope the other job I applied for calls soon.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Guess what happened ...
For those of you who read the TMI post a couple days back - I am pleased to announce that it was not an issue last night! In fact, it was so good that I had to bite a pillow to stuffle my screams and I promptly fell asleep after! Good advice on the massage is all I have to say! LOL.
I'm gearing up for an exciting weekend in Michigan with the family. I'm hoping there is a bit of snow, as WI doesn't have much around these parts. Besides that, it's always a fun adventure with my family - my brothers and I get along great and I could use a little time out where cell phones don't work and WI-FI doesn't connect. Breathe. No work and it's a good thing.
I've got all my snowbunny attire packed and good to go, hopefully the lodge will supply a good amount of hunky guys to talk to (or at least buy me a Cherry Kiss!). I'll be sleeping on the floor this weekend, the cabin we are sleeping in only has two beds and my little sister is coming up with her boy toy.
I can't wait to get out of here and take a breather! Other good to note mention is NO REJECTION LETTER YET! I'll be calling my latest place on my way out of here (count down 2 hours, 15 mintues) and trying to negotiate an interview. Yipee!
Things are going to change around these parts ...
I'm gearing up for an exciting weekend in Michigan with the family. I'm hoping there is a bit of snow, as WI doesn't have much around these parts. Besides that, it's always a fun adventure with my family - my brothers and I get along great and I could use a little time out where cell phones don't work and WI-FI doesn't connect. Breathe. No work and it's a good thing.
I've got all my snowbunny attire packed and good to go, hopefully the lodge will supply a good amount of hunky guys to talk to (or at least buy me a Cherry Kiss!). I'll be sleeping on the floor this weekend, the cabin we are sleeping in only has two beds and my little sister is coming up with her boy toy.
I can't wait to get out of here and take a breather! Other good to note mention is NO REJECTION LETTER YET! I'll be calling my latest place on my way out of here (count down 2 hours, 15 mintues) and trying to negotiate an interview. Yipee!
Things are going to change around these parts ...
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Two Nights in a Row?!
Now, I'm a very laid back person and it takes a good amount to tick me off to the point where I don't want to talk to you again. This being said - when you cross that line, it's damn near impossible for you to hop back over to my good side.
On that note, Mr. D was supposed to fill in at leagues last night (after some sweet talking on my part because of his absence the night before) but he decided he was "too tired." Which was fine, I had to sober bowl anyway (bowling and drinking mix - I scored 53 sober :( ). But I was a little perterved. I'm not fond of being blown off two nights in a row ...
Bowling ended early and, since I was sober, I hightailed it out of there as quick as I could. Around 10:00 he called, I answered. We talked for 45 minutes, which was nice and I slept well after that (I even got up early this morning - but promptly went back to bed), but I'm still reserving the right to play hard-to-get or maybe not even at all.
Which leads me to this morning. My alarm went off at 4:45, I got up - was wide awake - but decided to not go to the gym, after all I ate WAY too much bad-for-me things. I will try my best to go over the lunch hour today.
On that note, Mr. D was supposed to fill in at leagues last night (after some sweet talking on my part because of his absence the night before) but he decided he was "too tired." Which was fine, I had to sober bowl anyway (bowling and drinking mix - I scored 53 sober :( ). But I was a little perterved. I'm not fond of being blown off two nights in a row ...
Bowling ended early and, since I was sober, I hightailed it out of there as quick as I could. Around 10:00 he called, I answered. We talked for 45 minutes, which was nice and I slept well after that (I even got up early this morning - but promptly went back to bed), but I'm still reserving the right to play hard-to-get or maybe not even at all.
Which leads me to this morning. My alarm went off at 4:45, I got up - was wide awake - but decided to not go to the gym, after all I ate WAY too much bad-for-me things. I will try my best to go over the lunch hour today.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Late night phone calls ...
At 10:30 I was still up but not in a mood to talk to Mr. D upon his phone call, so I let it hit VM. An apologetic, forgot about football message was supplied and a can't we get together Wed, Thurs or Friday. Guess what? We can't. Not because I'm being a bitch - but because you really need to book me before Monday, as I fill up pretty fast.
Tonight is leagues which means temptation island without the sex but definitely a little bit of cheating. I'm limiting myself to splitting a pizza and ONE beer, which we all know is not an easy accomplishment for me :)
Tomorrow should be very low key, after work I need to pack my bags for the annual trip to the slopes with the family in Michigan. This weekend should be quite relaxing. We leave in the early afternoon and should arrive before the sunsets. I'm excited to get away, I think it's what I need to sort things out, plus the family is always fun.
Tonight is leagues which means temptation island without the sex but definitely a little bit of cheating. I'm limiting myself to splitting a pizza and ONE beer, which we all know is not an easy accomplishment for me :)
Tomorrow should be very low key, after work I need to pack my bags for the annual trip to the slopes with the family in Michigan. This weekend should be quite relaxing. We leave in the early afternoon and should arrive before the sunsets. I'm excited to get away, I think it's what I need to sort things out, plus the family is always fun.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
And the plot thickens ...
So my date with Mr. D didn't happen because he didn't call and he didn't return my calls. Hey how about seeping a little further down the hill there MG?
In turn I did go to the gym and I felt good about it. Since I've been feeling crappy, I haven't gone to my PM sessions - maybe that's what's wrong.
In other good news - no rejection letter yet from the new job I applied for :) I revamped my primo resume from business to "me" - including my little quirky lines, such as "I hope my qualifications meet your expectations and I hope to sweet talk you into a meeting. I'll be in contact on January 20th." That's me - it's time I stop hiding it.
In turn I did go to the gym and I felt good about it. Since I've been feeling crappy, I haven't gone to my PM sessions - maybe that's what's wrong.
In other good news - no rejection letter yet from the new job I applied for :) I revamped my primo resume from business to "me" - including my little quirky lines, such as "I hope my qualifications meet your expectations and I hope to sweet talk you into a meeting. I'll be in contact on January 20th." That's me - it's time I stop hiding it.
Any tips on getting out of bed?
So here's how I can tell I'm really not happy ... two months ago I was an up-at-4am-working-out-girl, about one month ago I moved the alarm clock away from the bed so I had to move to turn it off and get up at 5:30 (still 2hr work out, not bad) - now I'm not getting up until 6:45, just in time to roll myself out of bed, grab work clothes and work out for a menial 20 minutes or so before hitting the shower to pretty myself up. Today, my shoes didn't match my outfit. MY SHOES. Not that I had two different kinds on, they were just the wrong brown and for god's sake, we are talking about SHOES. This is an area I just don't screw up!
Side Note: The thing about shoes is that no matter what amount of weight you put on, they always fit. If you have only $15 in your wallet you can go to Payless and find a pair of cheap shoes that make you happy for about two days, if you have $800 in your wallet, you can find a nice pair that will make you happy for a week (impure thoughts as I've never had $800 and don't own a pair of shoes over $50 - but I have enough to add up to that amount...)
So I need to know how I'm going to handle getting up in the morning, my work schedule has been hellauv hectic - so by the time I'm done after 12+ hours, my bed is looking nice instead of the weights at the gym. My mini-love life that I do have going on is somewhat suffering over the discontent of what to do (or not to do).
For instance, on Sunday Mr.D and I had a lovely conversation in which I twirked that I was his Monday night date, to which he responded, "Not anymore - 24 starts again tomorrow." (nothing like being replaced by a TV show - does Jack Bauer put out for you? ... wait, don't answer that ...) So he suggested we do something Tuesday, or in other words, tonight.
Normally I'd be done for it - but I just keep thinking that I haven't been to the gym enough lately and I'm feeling jiggly. How can I be a sexpot when I'm concerned with the way my pants hug my love handles? Actually, probably get naked and that solve it .... change of subject, sorry. Back to my point, I feel like I SHOULD go out because it might help me get over the hump of discontent but I feel more so that I HAVE TO go to the gym. What comes first, the feeling sexy or the being sexy? The feeling.
But on the opposite hand, tomorrow is bowling league (yes, I proudly wear my white-trash, I'm doing this for work t-shirt) in which he WON'T come (already invited) and Thursday night I pack for my weekend trip to Michigan for some skiing. So the opposite hand says, "This is your chance ..." while my rational mind is saying - hold your horses girl!
And the ski trip brings me to my next point, I miss #3 in all his Catholic choir boy glory. He hasn't called/wrote/text messaged. He's an avid participant in Michigan, and I secretly hope I met him on the slopes (and then in one of the lodges for a quick rendevous ...).
Then finally, I've been day dreaming about my hopeless ex these days - his light blue eyes pierce my dreams at night and occupy my indecent thoughts in the shower. What's a girl to do?
Work out the frustration at the gym or work it out on Mr. D?
A hopeless hour to decide ...
Side Note: The thing about shoes is that no matter what amount of weight you put on, they always fit. If you have only $15 in your wallet you can go to Payless and find a pair of cheap shoes that make you happy for about two days, if you have $800 in your wallet, you can find a nice pair that will make you happy for a week (impure thoughts as I've never had $800 and don't own a pair of shoes over $50 - but I have enough to add up to that amount...)
So I need to know how I'm going to handle getting up in the morning, my work schedule has been hellauv hectic - so by the time I'm done after 12+ hours, my bed is looking nice instead of the weights at the gym. My mini-love life that I do have going on is somewhat suffering over the discontent of what to do (or not to do).
For instance, on Sunday Mr.D and I had a lovely conversation in which I twirked that I was his Monday night date, to which he responded, "Not anymore - 24 starts again tomorrow." (nothing like being replaced by a TV show - does Jack Bauer put out for you? ... wait, don't answer that ...) So he suggested we do something Tuesday, or in other words, tonight.
Normally I'd be done for it - but I just keep thinking that I haven't been to the gym enough lately and I'm feeling jiggly. How can I be a sexpot when I'm concerned with the way my pants hug my love handles? Actually, probably get naked and that solve it .... change of subject, sorry. Back to my point, I feel like I SHOULD go out because it might help me get over the hump of discontent but I feel more so that I HAVE TO go to the gym. What comes first, the feeling sexy or the being sexy? The feeling.
But on the opposite hand, tomorrow is bowling league (yes, I proudly wear my white-trash, I'm doing this for work t-shirt) in which he WON'T come (already invited) and Thursday night I pack for my weekend trip to Michigan for some skiing. So the opposite hand says, "This is your chance ..." while my rational mind is saying - hold your horses girl!
And the ski trip brings me to my next point, I miss #3 in all his Catholic choir boy glory. He hasn't called/wrote/text messaged. He's an avid participant in Michigan, and I secretly hope I met him on the slopes (and then in one of the lodges for a quick rendevous ...).
Then finally, I've been day dreaming about my hopeless ex these days - his light blue eyes pierce my dreams at night and occupy my indecent thoughts in the shower. What's a girl to do?
Work out the frustration at the gym or work it out on Mr. D?
A hopeless hour to decide ...
Monday, January 16, 2006
Something to think about
When I was blog-hopping today, I stopped at BZ's blog and it got me thinking ....
If money was no object, would you move out of your life you have right now and start fresh or resume an old life?
I would move and start fresh. I'd go to Canada or Alaska and I'd just dig in the scenery and start as someone completely new. I'd screw my first name (I hate it anyway) and go by my middle - I'd even legally change my last name. Now I know it sounds like I'm running, but when you grow up in a small community and you've established yourself in it's larger community you are your past and I'd screw it all for a fresh start.
You?
If money was no object, would you move out of your life you have right now and start fresh or resume an old life?
I would move and start fresh. I'd go to Canada or Alaska and I'd just dig in the scenery and start as someone completely new. I'd screw my first name (I hate it anyway) and go by my middle - I'd even legally change my last name. Now I know it sounds like I'm running, but when you grow up in a small community and you've established yourself in it's larger community you are your past and I'd screw it all for a fresh start.
You?
Something's wrong ...
This is going to be a TMI (too much information) post but I gotta share it.
I'm a big fan of Sex and the City - in the episode where Miranda's mom dies, Samantha has problems cumming because of pent up emotions. Pay attention to this next time things aren't going well in the sack - you'll notice it's actually true. Too many pent up emotions doesn't let you get to that point, or at least not for a lot of people.
To continue with my story, out of pure boredom last night, I got out my purple friend. After 30 minutes, nothing. I'm a frequent user, so I know just how to do it right that it could occupy less than 30 seconds of my time. In my frustration, I changed the batteries - which made a BIG difference, but 30 minutes later I was just feeling numb. Now, I'm not only bored but frustrated as well.
This is going to take some mental digging to figure out what is exactly pent up and then have at it again.
I'm a big fan of Sex and the City - in the episode where Miranda's mom dies, Samantha has problems cumming because of pent up emotions. Pay attention to this next time things aren't going well in the sack - you'll notice it's actually true. Too many pent up emotions doesn't let you get to that point, or at least not for a lot of people.
To continue with my story, out of pure boredom last night, I got out my purple friend. After 30 minutes, nothing. I'm a frequent user, so I know just how to do it right that it could occupy less than 30 seconds of my time. In my frustration, I changed the batteries - which made a BIG difference, but 30 minutes later I was just feeling numb. Now, I'm not only bored but frustrated as well.
This is going to take some mental digging to figure out what is exactly pent up and then have at it again.
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