The Wheels Turn. An Answer to be Had. Unrequited Love.

After years of not ever being good enough, I convinced myself that I was one of those people that wasn't meant to be in a relationship, that I was the person only meant to change lives.

While in college, I read a classical story in which the gods deemed certain people life changers. While they walked the earth as mortal humans they were never meant to do anything but touch peoples lives and put them on the right path.

My first relationship is what convinced me that I was not ever going to be good enough. I was told on a daily basis that I would never find anyone better, someone who accepted my multiple faults, I would never be thin enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I left.

My next series of relationships fulfilled the prophecies. I was never any of those things that my ex had said. Even when I finally got that boyfriend after two years of being alone, I still wasn't better than the groupie girls, the drugs, the time. It was then that a series of events followed that made me think of that story.

Phone calls followed from exs that told me I helped them switch jobs, go back to school, learn it was okay to fall in love and a thank you was in order. That's when I told myself I wasn't ever meant to be one of those happy couples with the white picket fence and the 2.3 kids and the suburban mansion - I was the catalyst to help those that needed it fulfill it.

And then there was him. To help make sure that love would never be had, I set criteria that would be almost impossible to fulfill. Last name in the upper part of the alphabet, tattoos, balding, no taller than me in heels, piercings, winter sports, baseball fan - just to name a few. And in the moment I found that guy - I immediately dated his friend.

A year later we met up, we hooked up. I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't just made to change people - maybe I was made for him. And then I wasn't.

Fast forward six months and I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough again and I developed a sex kitten persona. I would show him I was everything in the bedroom so I could be nothing in real life. The creation of my relationship with RS.

And now there is someone new. After Friday, I realized that I actually really like, really care for CB. That perhaps I need to stop self destruction and actually believe that I wasn't the person meant to change lives and that I could be happy.

After bantering text messages all weekend, I forced myself to not take that drive. I told myself that I didn't need to go to Madison to see him. Then there was this morning. I fought the urges, kept myself occupied (strongly with the help of my friends) but I did decide that if I didn't hear from CB I would drive tonight.

It was my mom's birthday, so we all went and ate and drank and had family time. I didn't feel extremely well, partially due to the fact that I didn't eat healthy and partly because I internally struggled with what my decision would be in 3 hours. I decided to leave. I grabbed my phone, 2 missed calls.

One was from CB, so here I sit. Proud of myself for the answer to be had, I didn't make the drive. I left myself open. And the wheels turn to a new beginning.