The Smell of Armani on Skin

So I spent Friday, Saturday and Monday with CB. On Friday I decided to choose him, on Saturday I decided to tell him that what I needed to make this work and let him know that I was willing to choose him, on Monday I waited for the results.

So what do I need to make it work? It's completely cliche - but the little things. The arm around me at the game, the look, the emails. I've been the dirty secret too many times and I refuse to be it again. I admit this history makes me not realize good things when I have them, but I also firmly believe that these little things will be the things that matter.

Monday I questioned what I wanted, how I have been behaving and in all honesty - I can't find a reason to why I would want things to change. I contemplated this all the way to our Madison office. Why do I suddenly have this want for a boyfriend? Yes, it's the holiday season and I'm in a lot of organizations which means a lot of parties I need a date for. Yes, it would be nice to not drive over an hour just to get some one-on-one time. But those are the only two things that I could justify and #1 is my arm candy and RS is my booty call.

On the way to deliver apples there was some text banter with RS and before responding I would think to myself, this is wrong - you've made your decision.

On the way home I thought about it more as I dropped a co-worker off. I turned around to get clarification.

It was the same repetitive nature that I have repeated for the last two months. Small talk as I removed my boots, the look out of the corner of my eye when I caught just the way he looked in that button down shirt and baseball hat. That tender look and expectation as we tried to figure out where we fit. Then he grabs me and puts me against the cold wall and his hands are on my neck and our lips are touching. My hand glides down his shirt as we're engulfed in pssionate kissing and we head to the bedroom.

I get undressed, "Am I being presumptuatious?" No he says. His hands are on my sides, his mouth on my breasts and I lean back to think to myself how nice it is to feel sexy and wanted. To feel strong hands on my skin. Rough hands. Warm hands. He knows how to make me crumble.

At the moment that he was standing and I was on the bed as he glided in and out I felt my legs spasam and he stopped, I looked and yelled "No!" He smiled and said he was sorry, my back arched and warmth invaded my chest. I climbed on top of him.

Getting my legs backed my warm breath echoed in his ear, "tell me how to make you cum." And five minutes later he did.

We laid naked for 15 minutes, touching and talking about how it's almost snowing and that means skiing and boarding. We talked about work and the surgeries I had gone under and the ones he was getting. I touched his shoulder and asked how it was feeling. It felt strange to know so much about someone and to be so intimate with them, but still be so distant from any sort of real relationship. His phone rang, he had to go back to work. He kissed me sweetly and we got dressed. Before he put his shirt on I rested my head on his shoulder and glanced at this tattooed arm, I kissed him and said thank you. As I pulled away I smelt his cologne, the sweet smell of Armani Black.

He washed the smell of sex off his body as he prepared to work as we joked and kissed. He wrapped my scarf around my neck and we left. I drove home thinking about what had just happened, telling myself that this is what I want - this is my life - this is what makes sense. Am I his dirty little secret? Yes. But I know it can't be more which some how makes my actions okay.

I was exhausted when my car pulled into the drive. It was windy and I could smell his cologne on my skin and scarf. I stood outside for just a minute longer and closed my eyes remembering what it was like to feel the way I did. I smiled.

I took a warm shower before bed to rest my aching body. The steam of the shower rolled his smell of my skin. The washer rolled the smell out of my clothes. Just like that, no one will know. But when I smell Armani, I smile.

When I woke up at 6am, I took another shower - just to be sure that my night's affair was hidden from anyone's expectations. I went to work. On the way contemplating my judgements last night, but having no regret. While it was nice to think that I could be wanted by someone and have someone, it was better to be realistic and happy with how I am now.

I had a meeting at 7:30 at the coffee shop in CB's building. I sat in the cozy chair and sipped my soda speaking with my students and their other mentor. A knock on the window, a smile on his face and I went from certainity that I had made a right decision to the feeling that for once I was getting cheated on - maybe I had just cheated. My heart fell a bit. I justified it to myself, we aren't in a relationship - even our myspaces both say we're single. I didn't cheat, but I may have cheated myself into thinking that I may be better off.

I have no idea of the next steps. In the ideal world I would continue my affair while justifying my friendships with BG & CB as just that and then one day, RS would look at me and tell me that we should take this seriously. And then I'd work through the guards and let my walls down. But in reality, I protect myself from any kind of stability because I fear it, I've convinced myself it won't happen and I tarnish it when it will.

Friday will tell of the little things, if CB can come through I'll choose him. If he doesn't then I'll be back in his bed on Monday.