Struggling.

Recent events have left me in an inner turmoil over what's good for me and what's good for other people. I have a horrible habit of trying to take care of people with out considering myself in the process and in the end, the only person ending up getting hurt is me.

With that said, let me recap.

Sunday I was out with Jules at our local hang out and met a nice, good-looking guy that was picking up the bartender. After flirting for a bit he invited me over to a different bar, a little hesitation but Jules & I decided to go just as the hot guys at the end of the bar came to our side to cash out - they stopped for a little chat and ended up saying they were headed to the same bar so we left with them. I promptly told the other guy I'd see him over.

I ended up talking with the hot guy as Jules flirted with his friend. In the meantime I found out he had an 8 year old son (he's 31), he got divorced a year and a half ago (his wife cheated on him and is now marrying the 'asshole' and ruining her life he said), and on Thursday he came home to the house he lived in with his younger brother to find him dead from a seizure. I gulped - train wreck.

So tell me, when accidents happen why can't we just keep driving? Why do we have to sit and stare, wishing we could do something for those people? That was my initial reaction. We ended up back at the first bar and proceeded to make out. We went back to his friends place and Jules decided to spend the night, I'd pick her up in the morning. His friend urged me to sleep with him - I politely declined, I'm not that kind of girl. After talking like 10th graders by our cars, he said we should do lunch on Monday.

In the meantime I drove home with one million thoughts in my head, so let's back up to Friday.

Friday I went out on the town, had a blast and then headed to Madison, promptly passing out after 4 hours of sex to find myself curled up in his strong arms. It was 7am on Saturday and I needed to get back to Milwaukee, he pulled me close, kissed my forehead and asked for me to lay for 15 more minutes. We sat there curled up, his eyes closed as I stared at his tattoo. I left at 7:30.

I couldn't help but have guilt for making out with TW because of RS. On the way home early Monday morning, my eyes filled with tears.

On Monday morning I went into work, to a doctor's appointment and wandered around Home Depot wondering if TW was going to call, relieved that it was 12:30 and he hadn't. 12:32 I get a call to meet him for lunch. We ended up eating and I wanted to call it the afternoon, blaming the fact that I needed to buy paint - so he went with.

While walking through home depot waiting for my "Dark Secret" to get mixed, he attempted to grab my hand which made me pull a complete Samantha move and quickly retract and fall onto some carpet, only for that same hand to help me up and hold on. We went back to his place, made out and he had to go to his kid's game.

I'm so torn on what I should do - honestly neither RS or TW are good relationships - but TW needs me around and I kind of like him, where there is history with RS. Jules told me the only way to resolve the situation is to be forefront with RS and see his reaction...

In the meantime, today is his brother's funeral and he asked me to go to the after party, I told him I'd stop by after softball. At the same time RS asked me to come up to Madison and told me that it would be okay if I passed out - I could just work out of the MAD office. Yikes.