Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A note to men about oral techniques.

Our office talk is sometimes less than professional. One of my designers turned to me and said, "MG. When you get engaged don't ever do the 'no sex' for a year before. I'm hurting."

I smiled, "Not a problem from me. I'd never agree to that. Wait, you can still get head right?"

"Nope." His eyes looked like he was going to cry.

He then asked for a recap on TW. I informed him of my Sunday night maneuver and the lack of phone calls. He laughed and I came to the conclusion that all men should know and respect the following regarding oral technique:

Let me preface by saying, I enjoy "giving head," "sucking dick," "giving an oil change" - whatever you kids are calling it these days. I also swallow.

No one swallows because they are delighted by the frothy taste of semen - and all your spunk has different tastes by the way. One guy I dated tasted like butter and salt, one was so bitter that I felt like I had cotton mouth, one tasted sweet (okay I totally didn't mind swallowing him) and I could keep going on and on at the fear of being labeled a skank in comments. I digress. Swallowing is a mere courtesy to the efforts put into this kind of interaction and because as so many bumper stickers say "Nice Girls Swallow" (yes, the car with that sticker is currently parked next to mine in the garage at work).

Women will give you oral for a number of reasons, including because they know you like it and not limited to the mere fact that it gives us a bit of control over you when your back is arched and you're moaning. However, if you don't have the courtesy to call the next day, your chances of a repeat of the encounter go down. I'm just saying.

I'm also going to just point out that a courtesy phone call or text would be acceptable if she did swallow.

So call.

And ladies, it's very mean if you put out like a rockstar during the dating phases and then you pull the cord on all sexual interaction before the wedding - especially in the time frame of a year - but to each his own.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

We all know where I stand on pretty much all matters sexual--no my boyfriend doesn't get any--but I totally agree with you, unless, I suppose, the woman has rock-solid reasoning. What is the notion behind this trend?

Anonymous said...

Tiffany, it's different with you. If you've never got it before, there isn't too much additional pressure to get the goods when you are engaged. But man, if the poontang has been flowing like a river up until you deliver on the ring, and then it gets CUT OFF..... Holy crap I would dump her in an instant.... Sorry, this was a bad idea, I'm going to need that ring back now :)

Why did this woman think this was a good idea? And how could this schmoe buy into it?

Milwaukee Girl said...

I agree pretty much. Tiffany has a moral high ground that some of us don't! It would be like making all those fancy dinners for Mike and telling him for the year before he could only eat McDonald's regular hamburgers all day.

I know a couple of people though that have cut the rug out upon engagement because it shows another source of commitment and makes the day special - to each his own - but I wanna get some!

Anonymous said...

You know more than one couple that has done this?!? That is 100% nuts, in my opinion. I don't even know where to start discecting it. You are 100% free from all the worries once you're engaged, that's the time to be bangin' like mammals on the discovery channel. Damn, they have it exactly backwards.

Anonymous said...

I better not be labeled the judgemental one. Girls swallow because of insecurity. They're afraid if they don't the guy won't like them. If they're secure with a guy or themselves they'll say no if they hate it. Semen generally tastes like whatever that guy eats. I'm James Brown Stains, aka Bill Nye the Blow Job Guy.

Milwaukee Girl said...

Oh my Blow Job Guy - where have you been? I've missed you.

I swallow because I can't figure out a way to spit it out in a sexy way. It's cleaner that way.

It's also a power trip because the common reaction is - "You just?"

Ah yeah. I did.

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend runs her naked ass to the bathroom and spits it out, she didn't used to. Plus once you get to your mid twenties, is it that big of deal? Guys make girls think its important when they're young but then its just a power trip for inexperienced or insecure guys. I still say wanting a guy to like you is the number one reason girls do it according to past conversations... I mean research.

daynad228 said...

I have a friend who had "Special Wednesday". Every Wednesday he got a hummer and then she got whatever she wanted...manicure, money, clothes. He wouldn't dare tell her no after this. That worked for them for a couple years until baby #3. Now he is somewhat lazy and she works too hard and then takes care of the kids so she cut off "Special Wednesday" until he starts comtributing his share. If the whole waiting from engagement until marriage is going to take place then hopefully they had discussed this option first and she just didn't spring it on him. Maybe it was a mutual thing and he is having regrets.

Anonymous said...

Interesting. I always feel guilty when I cum in a girl's mouth. I suppose that's why I'm not the biggest of blow job fans. I like them, don't get me wrong, but there's a whole number of things I prefer. The main problem is that its so one-sided. I like knowing the girl is turned on, and helping her get there, and if you're just laying there with most of the fun stuff out of reach, it kinda sucks. There is an exception: if you're giving me head and making it very clear that you're enjoying yourself, there's nothing hotter.

Anonymous said...

What? All the fun stuff out of reach? As long as you can reach the remote it's all good! Nothing like getting a bj while flipping between 24 and Monday night football!!!