Switching it up plan.

I'm not the only idiot that does stuff like this, I swear.

I woke up completely at 5am. I wasn't sure what I should exactly do - I knew the gym would be the right option but I just couldn't scum up enough to bring myself there, so I sat on the edge of my bed and surveyed my apartment. I started cleaning my closet on Sunday, there's clothes scattered all around, and I realize that things need to change so I can start the next step in life.

I'm not getting any action in the bedroom, so that closet is getting cleaned tonight and I'm moving my bed to switch up the bedroom karma. My kitchen is almost done being painted, so I'll finish that this weekend and maybe it will incite some healthy cooking on my part. The back room, my office, still has my desk in a box. I'm going to man up and build that thing with in the next week.

And then there's the "Why am I hung up on this guy?" karma that needs some reconfiguring. This weekend Jules & #1 were at lunch with me when I overheard them discussing their relationship with me. #1 informed Jules that sometimes the only thing that keeps him out of the gray area is me, that we've become each other's rocks with no strings attached. Jules said that before life was very black and white when it came to relationships, but now she sees there's a lot of gray and has gone from "he loves me" to "it's okay to just have great friends and not date." It's a compliment - I think.

The one thing about Jules is that she's gorgeous and poised, it's not the love/or not situation, it's the factoring that guys always fall in love with her. That doesn't happen to me, that's why I have the philosophy on not dating. I informed her of this last night as we sat at the bar watching the game. She informed me that it's not true since I'm hung on TW. I tried to explain that it's really been 3 some years since I've behaved this way (with the exception of RS, of course) and that I think I get allowed the poker chip on this guy. I tried my best the first week to convince myself not to like him, but by Friday he said he would miss me and I fell hook-line-and-sinker for it. When I returned on Sunday I had given up RS and looked forward to allowing myself to have a relationship, in that same amount of time he decided not to with me. Love bites, but it's okay.

I was still checking my phone every two seconds, kicking myself for deleting him out of my life when it dawned on me at 5am that he had a myspace page. So I looked him up and wrote him a Dear John note. I told him I lost his number and I wasn't sure why he changed his mind about me, but that I'm always here if he needs to just talk or sit in silence and watch the baseball game. I said I didn't have his number, but he had mine so he should feel free to use it. And then I said good-bye.

I know that he probably won't write back, it's like when I found CW and just needed to say that I missed him. It was a day of checking emails and a little sadness that I, once again, wasn't good enough. But then I realize it's his loss and not mine.

So I hope I closed the chapter on TW.