Monday, February 12, 2007

Who am I?

I’m about to verge on a lofty week, one of those weeks where you realize a relationship just doesn’t work with this kind of lifestyle.

On Saturday I woke up with a hangover of the biggest kind, the one where you move slightly to the right and a sharp pain reverbs to the back of your neck, the kind where your stomach grumbles for some sort of liquid that doesn’t contain any alcohol. Friday night was a fundraising event for a local museum, so I left work late to get ready. Upon arriving to the actual event, I realized my house keys were still on my kitchen table so I did the only thing I could think of, I drank – a lot – at the event. On my third martini (and no dinner, I might add) the couples surrounding me got to me and a sudden swamping feeling of loneliness over came me. I chatted with a couple friends, but the booze was definitely kicking in when I did something all of you will judge as the not-to-good move. Upon realizing that I may not have a place to sleep and that engulfing loneliness, I texted RS.

Going off of our regular “What Are You Wearing?” flirtation, I texted, “Red dress, 4” Mary Janes, naughty lace thong, corset – so WRUW?”

“Work clothes, hoping to get out of here soon.”

“Midnight romp?”

“Going out with friends, don’t think I’ll be home.”

“Can be later …”

No response. Fourth martini, “Guess not, I’ll be out of your hair.” And I actually meant it.

I ended up heading over to a local bar, where I bumped into a buddy from bowling and BG. We drank to our hearts content and BG and I talked about his looming feelings and what he wanted from me. It was simple, he wanted me to be all his and not as a friend. Perhaps it was the beer, perhaps it was the loneliness, but I agreed to indulge his fantasy on Sunday by attending a private event that was invitation-only, as his official date.

Back to Saturday. My phone rang and I turned to pick it up, answering #1’s call with a very distinct “OWW.” We firmed our lunch plans at B-W’s and I sauntered to the shower, catching a glimpse of my make up from last night still planted on my face – or cheeks to be more exact. My hair was curly and crazy and I sat in the shower praying that the water would absorb into my skin appropriately and I would be renewed.

Saturday was not much of anything, I ended up taking a nap upon returning home only to wake up and realize that I’m not happy with who I am completely. Then I did something drastic, I decided instead of bitching about it – I’d do something about it. Tomorrow.

Sunday morning I woke up to messed up sheets and a kitty purring on my arm. The atrocious feeling of my lack of respect for myself flooded me. I tried to close my eyes and make it go away, as they were shut I remembered what I decided the night before – I was going to do something about it.

I got dressed for the gym and headed over to Target to buy a scale and a couple pubs and some new conditioner. Then I worked out. BG called while I was at the gym to confirm plans and I hesitated in my yes, but I decided I should give it a shot. I stopped at Walgreens and bought foundation and nail polish and headed to the grocery store for spinach and fish to make for lunch and dinner for the rest of the week.

BG picked me up at 7:00 and we had a great time, returning my screwdriver filled ass home and giving him a quick kiss goodbye. I headed up the stairs, into the shower and resolved that I would still get up and go to the gym tomorrow morning.

The alarm rang at 6, I reset it for 6:45. It rang again in what seemed like mere seconds and I laid in bed staring at the cracked ceiling wondering if the changes could wait for tomorrow. If they could I would indulge in Chinese for lunch and a bottle of wine over “Heroes” tonight. Bumpkin heard me stirring so he jumped on my bed, head butted me as if to say “pet me quickly and feed me now.” On the ground were my sweats and a baseball hat, I quickly changed and drove slowly (due to the overnight snow) to the gym. I had only 20 minutes to work out, but I did it. I also resolved to go back to the gym over lunch.

I’m doing something about it. I’ve deleted the existence of RS from my world, including gathering any picture evidence of our once co-mingling worlds and didn’t just put them out of sight, but put them into the garbage, tied up the bag and put it in the trash can outside, smiling in that kind of “you aren’t going to defeat me” kind of way. I banned him from chats and erased him from my phone.

My schedule doesn’t permit for a regular routine working schedule, so I will work out for 20 minutes if it’s all I have and I will do it multiple times a day if it’s all I can muster. I will also readjust my schedule, I can’t always say yes they will need to give me time for me even if I have to schedule it in the calendar that way.

I will regain myself.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nothing makes me feel in control of my destiny quite like working out does. One good run on the treadmill at six in the morning makes the rest of the day a success in my book.

That week didn't sound too bad to me. You went on a date, you worked out, that is a good weekend! Just cut back on the hard stuff a little bit, and you can knock those morning headaches out too. What ever happened with the Whole Foods guy?

BZ said...

You can do it!! I need to get back on the wagon, too! I feel so nasty - I gained all the weight I'd lost in VA (25 lbs) and am NOT happy with myself. I'm gonna lose this f*cking weight if it kills me! LOL (kidding)

Lady Latte said...

" I realized my house keys were still on my kitchen table so I did the only thing I could think of, I drank – a lot"

That's exactly what I would have done! I've locked myself out so many times I triple check for my keys before I shut the door. Although now my friend has a copy of my keys from when I went on vacation and she fed my pets, so I can call her in a pinch.

Congrats on getting that stuff to the trash! You go girl! (Yeah, okay, that phrase is tired but it works.)

Good luck with the gym stuff too. It's hard to stay motivated but if you can do it, it's really good for you.