Times are a Changing

I didn’t wear a winter jacket all last week. It was 50-60 degrees, the air wet and warm. A cozy sweater turtleneck and a pair of heels. Just how I like it. This morning I woke up at 8 and headed to my back porch for a crisp morning smoke. There was frost every where. I sighed as I went back inside. Times are a changing.

I balled myself up on my couch, looking at my dirty livingroom and bedroom floor and curled up to my favorite weekend past time, Sex in the City marathon. All through season 2 I contemplated life like it was 3 years ago, when I had my girl here and our lives patrolled around laying out by the pool, working and meeting boys at the bar. Those were the times, she lived in the same apartment places and was just a walk down the parking lot, we had so much fun.

Now she's in Iowa, married with a gorgeous daughter and contemplating single life again and I'm still in Wisconsin, working like a dog and contemplating how times have changed.

As I entered season 3, I snuck out to my back porch in my tshirt and yoga pants and invited the cat into the mid-morning outdoors. Now the frost had melted.

By near end of season 3, it was getting cold again as I bundled up in my robe and checked my phone, silent.

The night before I was drunk and texted messaged RS, stupidly. At first it was promising, then it demised right around the same time Carrie stopped seeing Big at the beginning of season 2. The last message from him explained he'd be spending the night at his parents, I responded with not even a word, "K" and went to bed. Here it was, now 8:00 and I had heard nothing. At this same point, Carrie's affair was finally admitted to Aidan and she was alone. It dawned on me, I didn't want to be alone.

I finished up the season and was wide awake at 11:00. I took a shower. I'm not sure if it was because the water was hot but a twing hit my head and I felt like I wanted to cry.

I can count the number of times I've cried in my life on two hands, what was happening to me? I arched my head back into the warm water and the pain subsided for the moment as I scrubbed up and cuddled back in my robe.

When I woke up this morning I looked at my apartment, my closet was pure perfection from organization and Good Will would be happy with my current donation. I put on that old pair of jeans I found at the bottom of a box and put on my heels to another day.

As I straightened my hair and applied lip gloss and mascara I realized that my new year's resolutions are all wrong. It's time to stop pretending and bending over for everyone else - because when you're always in that position you're going to, of course, get fucked in the ass. It was time to take charge of myself and start living to make me happy. Those plans don't include RS right now, they don't include spending more time with my family or dressing nicer, they include learning to say no. The hardest part for an addict. The conclusion is, I guess, that that's what I am.

As I walked out of my apartment into the cold air, I snuggled my scarf and slowly wondered if I should go back inside and get my jacket. Nah, I thought, it'll be warm by noon.