Anyone that knows me knows can assure you I’m never at a loss for words, during those awkward moments of silence I’ll bust out something that has nothing to do with anything or use my favorite saying of “so…” but the new guy caught me off guard.
He called after work, I answered and we chatted a bit about the normal get to know you things – how many kids, family married or single, his divorce and our weekend plans. He asked me to spend the night on Saturday, I said I would think about it but I needed to be straight about something – there would be no sex. Which of course led to the sex conversation.
MG: “I’ll be straight with you, there’s no sex until I see test results and I’ll do the same for you.”
NG: “Okay?”
MG: “When you’re in those moments of passion and there’s no condom, I want to know that I’ll be safe – I’m not saying it’ll be done with out a condom, it’s just what I think.”
NG: “I got tested three months ago and haven’t had sex since May.”
MG: “I got tested in August, but we both will need to get tested again – piece of mind.”
NG: “When was the last time you had sex?”
MG: “Doesn’t matter, the test needs to be done.”
Which led into further conversation, one that involved him saying, “While we’re being straight, I’m not looking to just casually date you – I mean, I go into this full force – I want you to be my girlfriend.”
Which leads me back to the first paragraph, the moment that hit my ear a gigantic lump occurred in my throat – the kind that you choke on, you can’t swallow, you can’t talk, you can’t breathe. You just think to yourself, “at this very moment I could die – a really painful, slow death.”
“Is that what you want?”
“We’ll see how this goes. I mean, we just met – you could hate my guts after Saturday.” Diversion, still lump, cough. Still there.
And then went on with normal conversation, but in the back of my head that one sentence – I want you to be my girlfriend – was burnt into my head.
For three years my life hasn’t really circulated around the thought of an “us” or a “we.” Granted, there were small interruptions in the case of CB and somewhat of RS, but never a serious mention on anyone’s part but me. For three years it’s been me, my schedule, what I want to do, when I want to do it. If I feel like having sex, I’ll drive to Madison. If I feel like staying home by myself, taking a bath and listening to girl music, I’ll do it. If I wake up at 7am and decide I’m not going to talk to anyone, I turn off my phone and stay home without anyone knowing the difference. I haven’t had to worry so much about hurt feelings, making time, doing special things, driving to someone else’s place, being their dates at events, meeting parents, making a good impression. Nothing. If this goes somewhere, am I willing to give up all of that for something that could go nowhere?
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2 comments:
If it ends up going nowhere you get all that freedom back anyhow. :) Freedom is like a booby prize, at least you walk away with something. I can't believe he's asking you to spend the night already, that seems kind of abrupt (and also kind of tactless). How long have you known him?
I appreciate honesty but if a girl I had just met said her goal was to be my steady girlfriend after just meeting me, I might not even want to have a date with her. I don't want to even consider having sex without a condom until way in the future.
Say no to psycho hose beasts.
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