It's 2007 and in Halloween tradition I review the hauntings of the past year.
In all honesty, for the life of me I can't think of any big ones. The last few months have been a far cry from the ones that started this blog. In fact, I'm sometimes bored reading what I'm writing.
The main haunt I have right now is with my relationship. It's been 5 months and neither of us have said the "L" word, although God knows that I do. There's too much fear in the unknown for me to utter the words first and in the past if I said it, it often led to deterioration months later. Part of the truth is I think if I don't tell him that if he breaks up with me tomorrow I won't be hurt - but I know I'd be crushed. The other truth is that I don't want things to change. There's so much in the smiles and kisses and the cuddling. It's sometimes disgusting I admit. We still make out like the night we met (although, there's usually a bed and not a Golden Tee machine involved).
I also often wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be - at almost 27 was this the life I thought of? So many different events in the last few years have got me wondering. If we take back the years, we see the changes in my goals and anticipations.
At 18 I was engaged - and although my heart wasn't in it - I viewed myself in this jailed life of being a wife with kids in a house with a man I didn't love. But I expected my life to be that way.
And at 21 I was single for the first time in 6 years, but relationships were the only thing I knew so I wanted to be in one. I met #1 and struggled in the balance of trying to find myself and balance my anticipations. After that failed, there was a summer of deviance where I began to see myself as a person and not just an element in life. Then there was the guitar guy ...
So at 22 I decided to just be single. To work. To make a name for myself. To be the person that people admired. To not want to be married, to not want children, to be a business woman. And besides a few trysts here and there, I stuck to my guns.
And here I am at 26, still shocking people when I say I have a boyfriend, thinking how great it is to have someone to call, understand, kiss, cuddle, talk and experience life. I mean, I'm not on the marriage wagon or anything, I'm just taking it day by day.
The final haunt that still nags at me is that I haven't confessed that I might not be able to have kids, of course we've never discussed. It's almost as if it were a blessing to be in a relationship where he already has this wonderful son. But I know he's on the fence and doesn't know if he does or doesn't want kids. The truth is, I'm happy not having one of my own and I'd be happy having one too. I just don't know
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1 comment:
Dude, I hear ya. My 29th is only a few months away....
Something that I've heard and noticed, a lot of marriages/relationships fail b/c people are too young and don't know who they are. Think about it, how much have you changed since you were 21?
My fiancee and I were ready to jump in and were in the early stages of planning a wedding when she got cold feet. I don't talk about it alot, but seriously it was the best thing that could have happened. There should be no rush for these types of things.
Don't worry about the ILY, if you feel it, just say it. Chances are, he's just waiting for it too. If you say it and he runs away, then you saved yourself some wasted time. If he doesn't feel it by now, then there's something wrong with him.
Just have fun!
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