Resolutions. Are you going with the “I’ll never make a resolution” or are you going with the “Happier relationships, lose weight, work harder, save more money?” I can’t resist.
Every year I feel like the plate is wiped clean, after all I’ve gone the last three years without anything holding me back. No lease, no boyfriend. I could get up and leave without a second glance. I see it as a chance as renewal, a chance of forgiveness, a chance of re-inventing.
That’s what the Phoenix is about. That’s why it’s on my back. Now with it’s revamping, I feel like I should revamp myself again. I’m not miserable in my current life, but as we all feel, we could always adjust certain things.
Maybe it’s not a resolution but a re-inventation but here’s the changes I’d like to see in myself during 2007.
Most importantly. I will be classier. The last few years I’ve been more Samantha than Charlotte (yes that’s an STC reference) and I’ve come to realize that Charlotte is not a bad person, apparently naïve but completely classy. I will swear less, I will wear dresses more, I will wear heels and I will be different. When I walk down the street they will say that I’m classy, not trashy. My chest will be covered, my calves will shine in expensive shoes. My hair will be long, my eyes will shine. My hair will be done, my make up on.
Secondly, I will take time for myself. I’m a workaholic, classic Capricorn. My job has always been my family, I’ve lived and breathed it. I couldn’t live without access to email on the weekends or constant cell phone interaction. I will turn it off one day a week so clients, family and friends can’t access me. I’ll sit in the tub and clean my house, I’ll go to the gym and watch cheesy movies. I might even go on a date.
Lastly, I will stop the affair. Men are ridiculous because I’m a phenomenal catch. I’ve been using my Madison trips as an excuse to convince myself I’m not ready for a relationship, when in fact I’m actually in one. I’ve tried to position myself as this renegade, open to a casual relationship when the truth is – even if it’s just sex, I deserve at least a Happy Birthday text message or IM. I’ve already made the first step and registered on Yahoo Personals. The men in my industry are notoriously womanizers and I don’t want to shop talk.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
This made me cry.
Stolen from postsecret.blogspot.com
Sometimes we forget that the holidays isn't about us. This made my eyes welt and took my breath away for a second. It makes me want to know who sent it and just hug them :(
Birthday Recap
So the official recap - December 27 saw inking, drinking, hooking up and hanging over. Not all of them were me though.
Inking - yup. Got that addition that I've been wanting. 3 hours in the chair and only one really deep cut, my phoenix is now rising from the ashes. I can't wait to get naked and show the next person I'm with - it turned out great.
As for drinking, with all the people that showed up, I spent more time making rounds than drinking (which was fine since I got so trashed the night before ...). With only 4 beers and one birthday shot, I hugged and smiled all the guests. One of the guests was an ex that I was seeing earlier last year and toying with the idea of dating again. When he showed up I was very happy - except a friend of mine also expressed interest and I reluctantly agreed to help with the set up. So they were the hooking up.
When it came to being hung over - that was most of the participants! Nice thing about not drinking too much!!
Inking - yup. Got that addition that I've been wanting. 3 hours in the chair and only one really deep cut, my phoenix is now rising from the ashes. I can't wait to get naked and show the next person I'm with - it turned out great.
As for drinking, with all the people that showed up, I spent more time making rounds than drinking (which was fine since I got so trashed the night before ...). With only 4 beers and one birthday shot, I hugged and smiled all the guests. One of the guests was an ex that I was seeing earlier last year and toying with the idea of dating again. When he showed up I was very happy - except a friend of mine also expressed interest and I reluctantly agreed to help with the set up. So they were the hooking up.
When it came to being hung over - that was most of the participants! Nice thing about not drinking too much!!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Mid-Holiday
We're currently in the mid-Holiday week, what fun! Christmas and my birthday have passed, and now it's just time for New Years.
Though I despise my birthday, this year it was pretty great. On Tuesday night I went out with #1 for an early celebration and got tanked, puking on my brand new shoes. On Wednesday I woke up on his couch and went into work for a couple hours, then I went to get myself a nice birthday present...
When I was 21 I got the Phoenix tattooed because it signified the rising of a new me, at 26 I decided it was time to get it completed. The flames were supposed to reach out from my butt to my mid-backed, but for one of the first times in my life, I couldn't drop my pants for a stranger - so we worked with in context.
Then I had a great dinner with the family and met some friends out at the Highbury - not just a handful - in fact about 15 or so people were there, for me! All people I've met with in the last year, but great friends regardless. I'll post more later ...
Though I despise my birthday, this year it was pretty great. On Tuesday night I went out with #1 for an early celebration and got tanked, puking on my brand new shoes. On Wednesday I woke up on his couch and went into work for a couple hours, then I went to get myself a nice birthday present...
When I was 21 I got the Phoenix tattooed because it signified the rising of a new me, at 26 I decided it was time to get it completed. The flames were supposed to reach out from my butt to my mid-backed, but for one of the first times in my life, I couldn't drop my pants for a stranger - so we worked with in context.
Then I had a great dinner with the family and met some friends out at the Highbury - not just a handful - in fact about 15 or so people were there, for me! All people I've met with in the last year, but great friends regardless. I'll post more later ...
Saturday, December 23, 2006
What a week!
Joan was in town last week and headed out to the Pack game on Thursday. Taking a deep breath after a long week and having my house back to myself, I sunk into the warm bubble bath that I prepared for myself. The bubbles were all around, crackling as my ears were submerged in the hot water and I closed my eyes.
As normal, the cat paced the edge of the tub. He hates it when I'm in there. Not sure if it's the water or the fact that I don't see him, but he will not leave my side when I'm in the shower or the tub and pulls back the curtain to paw at my arm and ferouciously lick any speckles of water that are in my hair or on my face or arms. As in normal context, back and forth he went but this time he went too far.
He's a tom-cat, which is bigger than a normal cat, and I may be over feeding him a bit - so when he reached the far end, he had difficulties turning. "Oh baby!" I sat up to help him, at the same time he used my face as a launching pad to keep from getting wet. I sunk in the tub, thanking God that I closed my eyes so quickly. The water seeped into the cut, the stinging started above my eye and kicked over to my neck. "FUCK."
I got out of the tub, looked in the mirror and I was covered in seeping blood.
Prior to work I tried to hide the resinating scratch but to no success - looks like it will be a season of Scarface.
As normal, the cat paced the edge of the tub. He hates it when I'm in there. Not sure if it's the water or the fact that I don't see him, but he will not leave my side when I'm in the shower or the tub and pulls back the curtain to paw at my arm and ferouciously lick any speckles of water that are in my hair or on my face or arms. As in normal context, back and forth he went but this time he went too far.
He's a tom-cat, which is bigger than a normal cat, and I may be over feeding him a bit - so when he reached the far end, he had difficulties turning. "Oh baby!" I sat up to help him, at the same time he used my face as a launching pad to keep from getting wet. I sunk in the tub, thanking God that I closed my eyes so quickly. The water seeped into the cut, the stinging started above my eye and kicked over to my neck. "FUCK."
I got out of the tub, looked in the mirror and I was covered in seeping blood.
Prior to work I tried to hide the resinating scratch but to no success - looks like it will be a season of Scarface.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
And this is why ...
My dad calls today, "Hey you know next Wednesday isn't for your birthday, right?"
Me: "Huh? But she said it was for my birthday (sister)"
Dad: "She changed her mind, it's baby J's Christmas since we're all going to be together."
Me: "Umm. Wow. Okay."
Dad: "I know it's an issue when we combine, but it's only convenient."
Me: "At least I'll have my cake."
Dad: "She actually ordered one that says "baby J's Christmas."
Me: "Oh."
So ask me again, why do I hate my birthday? Grrr.
And then there was the invite that arrived yesterday as I went to my hair dresser. Wedding, Feb. 9th, 4pm (hair dresser's wedding). At my appointment, "You know you HAVE to bring a guest."
Okay. So gotta find a guest I guess...
Happier note - I love this Christmas song and this is a great rendition!
Me: "Huh? But she said it was for my birthday (sister)"
Dad: "She changed her mind, it's baby J's Christmas since we're all going to be together."
Me: "Umm. Wow. Okay."
Dad: "I know it's an issue when we combine, but it's only convenient."
Me: "At least I'll have my cake."
Dad: "She actually ordered one that says "baby J's Christmas."
Me: "Oh."
So ask me again, why do I hate my birthday? Grrr.
And then there was the invite that arrived yesterday as I went to my hair dresser. Wedding, Feb. 9th, 4pm (hair dresser's wedding). At my appointment, "You know you HAVE to bring a guest."
Okay. So gotta find a guest I guess...
Happier note - I love this Christmas song and this is a great rendition!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Dawn of a New Day
Okay, I went to check out Bally's yesterday and while it's not my choice of gyms, I think I'm going to get a membership anyway including the personal trainer. I called my dad who was out of ideas for me for Christmas and asked him to pony up the enrollment fee and he agreed, so I'm going to enjoy getting fat today and then tomorrow it's the strict gym regiment!
Monday, December 18, 2006
And then there was one.
Have you ever been in this situation? You are single, have a great group of single friends that all hook up with each other and just are in the STC life of being. Things are going great. In fact, one of your friends even has found “love.” That was two months ago and things are going great for her, she doesn’t spend much time with the group anymore but she’s in love and there’s plenty still in the circle.
Except, now two of the other sets have hooked up and stayed together. They aren’t much for hanging out with the old group, so the four of them have formed their little circle. Granted, they call once in awhile when there’s a spat, but they’re generally happy.
So now your great group of friends is down to just four, two girls and two guys. The first guy has been seeing someone on the side and now, due to the holidays, they’ve gotten a little cozy. You see him once in awhile.
And the girl, she went back with her ex-boyfriend because she can’t stand the thought of the holidays alone. Who will be under the mistletoe for her or that midnight kiss?
So the two are left, the happy-with-disenchantment-love-doesn’t-exist type of friendship. They joke about getting laid, in fact he’s taking a girl home tonight that he just met.
The next morning the girl gets a call from him, “I had such a good time with her last night.”
She jokes and sings a song “You love her, you want to kiss her. You’re going to marry her.”
“Nah” he says, “but the things she can do with her tongue. Think I might see her again.”
And the next week, she leaves for Christmas parties and he goes on a date with her. A real date – he even pays. The next morning she calls and he doesn’t answer. She goes out.
He finally calls her, “Can I talk about something with you?”
“Sure.”
“So I was with the girl last night and we really had a good time. We talked and then we had sex. We were cuddling afterwards and she asked me where this was going.”
“Balls – after a week? Christ, you took her home the first night.”
“Yeah and I told her I liked hanging out with her and wanted to do it more. And then she said there were two things she wouldn’t stand for (1) me being with anyone else and (2) me dealing drugs.”
“And”
“And I said okay. So what does that mean?”
“It means you have a girlfriend.”
“I have a girlfriend? A real girlfriend?” All gitty like a two year old.
“Yup.”
And then she goes her own way and goes to her regular booty call as he calls her to say he’s seeing her again tonight. She has a great time on her own. 4 hours of sex. Every time she tried to leave, he asked her to stay. And when she finally put her shoes on he pinned her against the door and she looked at him,
“Seriously, you’re okay with this.”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re having fun?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’ll tell me when it isn’t any more.”
“Yeah. And you’re having fun?”
“Yeah.”
“And the same goes for you?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Kiss. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”
With barely enough sleep she wakes up in the morning and goes about her business, contemplating what that little end conversation meant. And then she texts him to help her clarify.
He responds, “Still with her.”
And he calls, finally, six hours later to recount how he is falling in love.
And then there was one. One single person. One person who has spent the last 4 years by herself for every Christmas, every birthday and every New Years.
Except, now two of the other sets have hooked up and stayed together. They aren’t much for hanging out with the old group, so the four of them have formed their little circle. Granted, they call once in awhile when there’s a spat, but they’re generally happy.
So now your great group of friends is down to just four, two girls and two guys. The first guy has been seeing someone on the side and now, due to the holidays, they’ve gotten a little cozy. You see him once in awhile.
And the girl, she went back with her ex-boyfriend because she can’t stand the thought of the holidays alone. Who will be under the mistletoe for her or that midnight kiss?
So the two are left, the happy-with-disenchantment-love-doesn’t-exist type of friendship. They joke about getting laid, in fact he’s taking a girl home tonight that he just met.
The next morning the girl gets a call from him, “I had such a good time with her last night.”
She jokes and sings a song “You love her, you want to kiss her. You’re going to marry her.”
“Nah” he says, “but the things she can do with her tongue. Think I might see her again.”
And the next week, she leaves for Christmas parties and he goes on a date with her. A real date – he even pays. The next morning she calls and he doesn’t answer. She goes out.
He finally calls her, “Can I talk about something with you?”
“Sure.”
“So I was with the girl last night and we really had a good time. We talked and then we had sex. We were cuddling afterwards and she asked me where this was going.”
“Balls – after a week? Christ, you took her home the first night.”
“Yeah and I told her I liked hanging out with her and wanted to do it more. And then she said there were two things she wouldn’t stand for (1) me being with anyone else and (2) me dealing drugs.”
“And”
“And I said okay. So what does that mean?”
“It means you have a girlfriend.”
“I have a girlfriend? A real girlfriend?” All gitty like a two year old.
“Yup.”
And then she goes her own way and goes to her regular booty call as he calls her to say he’s seeing her again tonight. She has a great time on her own. 4 hours of sex. Every time she tried to leave, he asked her to stay. And when she finally put her shoes on he pinned her against the door and she looked at him,
“Seriously, you’re okay with this.”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re having fun?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’ll tell me when it isn’t any more.”
“Yeah. And you’re having fun?”
“Yeah.”
“And the same goes for you?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Kiss. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”
With barely enough sleep she wakes up in the morning and goes about her business, contemplating what that little end conversation meant. And then she texts him to help her clarify.
He responds, “Still with her.”
And he calls, finally, six hours later to recount how he is falling in love.
And then there was one. One single person. One person who has spent the last 4 years by herself for every Christmas, every birthday and every New Years.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
I don't hate this season 100% because of Christmas or my birthday, I hate that it slows and we have to perceive our lives in the last year and are tempted to make judgements on it.
A couple phrases I've found very insightful the past few days:
Live your life with no regrets, because you'll never wonder what if.
I've loved 1/2 my life, hated the other 1/2, and in the meantime I forgot to live it.
The first phrase is how I've lived my life in the last few years. I spent too much of my youth being cautious and doing things for other people that I decided to live my life with no regrets. While painful leasons have been learned in the process, I don't regret much that has happened to me. For instance, when I saw RS was online I toyed with should I text or not. I called a friend who told me, "You've got two possible outcomes - he'll answer back or he won't. Would you regret not knowing either way?" So I went to my back up phone, found his number and sent him a text - "So looking to schedule a welcome home interaction?"
As I waited for a response, I was reminded of a phrase I heard ions ago (I can't even remember the source - but the person was dying at the time) - the second phrase. I contemplated, with my legs hanging off my balcony, if in all the hub-bub of working, socializing and going on with daily activities if I forgot the main purpose of why I'm here - to live. I for the most part am not a hateful person, but when I was younger I spent a good amount of time hating people that my boyfriend informed me weren't good people - including my father. I was wrong. In recent years I've become more laxed and found that hating people is not in my nature and I wasted over 1/2 of what my life will be doing it. So I've decided to love everyone and not regret them or the relationships I've been in. But I don't think I've actually really loved anyone and I don't think I've actually lived my life.
So what's a girl to do? I pondered as my phone vibrated from a text and beeped back - "What did you have in mind?"
I smiled. So JF and #1 were right to a point, I was willing to make a stop this weekend when I was out and about in Madison for a friend's party, but not that night. Instead he came to me. And I came twice.
A couple phrases I've found very insightful the past few days:
Live your life with no regrets, because you'll never wonder what if.
I've loved 1/2 my life, hated the other 1/2, and in the meantime I forgot to live it.
The first phrase is how I've lived my life in the last few years. I spent too much of my youth being cautious and doing things for other people that I decided to live my life with no regrets. While painful leasons have been learned in the process, I don't regret much that has happened to me. For instance, when I saw RS was online I toyed with should I text or not. I called a friend who told me, "You've got two possible outcomes - he'll answer back or he won't. Would you regret not knowing either way?" So I went to my back up phone, found his number and sent him a text - "So looking to schedule a welcome home interaction?"
As I waited for a response, I was reminded of a phrase I heard ions ago (I can't even remember the source - but the person was dying at the time) - the second phrase. I contemplated, with my legs hanging off my balcony, if in all the hub-bub of working, socializing and going on with daily activities if I forgot the main purpose of why I'm here - to live. I for the most part am not a hateful person, but when I was younger I spent a good amount of time hating people that my boyfriend informed me weren't good people - including my father. I was wrong. In recent years I've become more laxed and found that hating people is not in my nature and I wasted over 1/2 of what my life will be doing it. So I've decided to love everyone and not regret them or the relationships I've been in. But I don't think I've actually really loved anyone and I don't think I've actually lived my life.
So what's a girl to do? I pondered as my phone vibrated from a text and beeped back - "What did you have in mind?"
I smiled. So JF and #1 were right to a point, I was willing to make a stop this weekend when I was out and about in Madison for a friend's party, but not that night. Instead he came to me. And I came twice.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Getting ready for the new year
Tis the season to start thinking about what went right, what went wrong and what changes can be made in the new year. Last year my main goal was no more destructive relationships. For the most part, that was fulfilled. I needed to remind myself occassionally of my worth and, except for the most recent snafu with RS, I'm ending the year having never had a relationship that was destructive.
In looking back I changed a lot this year. I accepted a new position, found happiness in a job, found a new place, moved out on my own. I found pieces of myself that I had thought were lost but I also lost more pieces of myself.
While so many changes happened, I forgot to believe in myself. That's the main goal for this coming year.
In looking back I changed a lot this year. I accepted a new position, found happiness in a job, found a new place, moved out on my own. I found pieces of myself that I had thought were lost but I also lost more pieces of myself.
While so many changes happened, I forgot to believe in myself. That's the main goal for this coming year.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Tis the Season
While I love the holidays and I do enjoy Christmas because I love to make people's days - I also hate this time of year in the straight out Bah humbug kind of way.
First of all, it's a pity party for myself. This is my 3rd, technically 4th Christmas season alone. 4 years ago I was falling out with Guitar guy and didn't even spend time with him during the season, though we "technically" were together still. I'll never forget having to travel to Neenah under the pretense that we were still together. Shoot me. And while I've had an ankling pool of boys, none of them were ever around for this time of year which of course means that I got no kisses in the snow or gifts (even in the 4th year segment) to show appreciation. And then there's my birthday.
I'm December 27, two freaking days after Christmas. One of the busiest traveling days as well. Which means people are either just getting done with the holidays or traveling back after them. This, ironically, means that I plan my own get togethers and while the whole bayou says "no problem! we'll meet you out!" it also means on that day I usually sit on a bar stool by myself only to be bombarded with phone calls on the 29th insisting that they feel like horrible friends and they forgot. The past couple years I've traveled over the date and just go MIA. That way I blame poor cell reception on the lack of phone calls and no one has any pressure to see me because I'm out of town. This year, however, my birthday lands during the week and I can't escape due to other people's holiday schedules. I've given up any hope of a get together and will be dining with my sister and her two-year old.
Digressing back to the alone thing, to top it all off it seems like it's over between me and RS. Rightfully so, it's that time of year and I knew he was getting feelings as well. Turns out I was his hooker without having to pay. I say this because a Fuck Buddy at least gets some communication, whereas once you're done with a hooker you have no need to call or talk to them again. After unreturned phone calls and texts, I've opted out of this game. As JF and #1 point out, as soon as I get that text I'll be driving to Madison to spread my legs, but in the same sense I'm over it.
And then there's work. I love my job as you may know, but we're going through big changes right now and I'm not sure I want to hold on. The bad things about sales are also usually the best, meaning that the more you sell the more you make. I've tripled their sales on a monthly basis and now have adjusted my lifestyle to fit that of what I'm used too, but now I keep hearing "I know this is tying your hands ..." and am basically stuck with not having an opportunity to make my sales and therefore commissions. Not to mention the coordinator at work likes to use me as a scapegoat for things and seems to be trying to pound nails into my coffin. On numerous occassions I've asked him if he's trying to get me fired and the response is always a chuckle. I'm too old to play these games.
I'm too old maybe should be the theme of this bah-humbug post. I'm too old to be a hooker, to be in kid like games at work and to old to count on people to try to make me happy.
So raise your glasses and cheers to the holiday season, and if you're in Milwaukee on the 27th say Happy Birthday to the blonde at the bar with the Bud Light at the Highbury.
First of all, it's a pity party for myself. This is my 3rd, technically 4th Christmas season alone. 4 years ago I was falling out with Guitar guy and didn't even spend time with him during the season, though we "technically" were together still. I'll never forget having to travel to Neenah under the pretense that we were still together. Shoot me. And while I've had an ankling pool of boys, none of them were ever around for this time of year which of course means that I got no kisses in the snow or gifts (even in the 4th year segment) to show appreciation. And then there's my birthday.
I'm December 27, two freaking days after Christmas. One of the busiest traveling days as well. Which means people are either just getting done with the holidays or traveling back after them. This, ironically, means that I plan my own get togethers and while the whole bayou says "no problem! we'll meet you out!" it also means on that day I usually sit on a bar stool by myself only to be bombarded with phone calls on the 29th insisting that they feel like horrible friends and they forgot. The past couple years I've traveled over the date and just go MIA. That way I blame poor cell reception on the lack of phone calls and no one has any pressure to see me because I'm out of town. This year, however, my birthday lands during the week and I can't escape due to other people's holiday schedules. I've given up any hope of a get together and will be dining with my sister and her two-year old.
Digressing back to the alone thing, to top it all off it seems like it's over between me and RS. Rightfully so, it's that time of year and I knew he was getting feelings as well. Turns out I was his hooker without having to pay. I say this because a Fuck Buddy at least gets some communication, whereas once you're done with a hooker you have no need to call or talk to them again. After unreturned phone calls and texts, I've opted out of this game. As JF and #1 point out, as soon as I get that text I'll be driving to Madison to spread my legs, but in the same sense I'm over it.
And then there's work. I love my job as you may know, but we're going through big changes right now and I'm not sure I want to hold on. The bad things about sales are also usually the best, meaning that the more you sell the more you make. I've tripled their sales on a monthly basis and now have adjusted my lifestyle to fit that of what I'm used too, but now I keep hearing "I know this is tying your hands ..." and am basically stuck with not having an opportunity to make my sales and therefore commissions. Not to mention the coordinator at work likes to use me as a scapegoat for things and seems to be trying to pound nails into my coffin. On numerous occassions I've asked him if he's trying to get me fired and the response is always a chuckle. I'm too old to play these games.
I'm too old maybe should be the theme of this bah-humbug post. I'm too old to be a hooker, to be in kid like games at work and to old to count on people to try to make me happy.
So raise your glasses and cheers to the holiday season, and if you're in Milwaukee on the 27th say Happy Birthday to the blonde at the bar with the Bud Light at the Highbury.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Start a new, play it out?
Bz posted on her site about the worst kind of confusion being about yourself. I'm not sure you ever stop questioning yourself.
In my last week off since any encounter of the driving kind, I've of course had time to think about what should happen. "If he texts me, then he cares." i tell myself, as my phone lays silent. Now I'm starting to wonder if it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie and not have any of my encounters anymore. This is the problem when you have too much time.
JF and I were out to drinks and he commented that one of the girls he was seeing had just gone on a 2 week vacation and that "the momentum is just gone" after that period of time, I'm wondering if RS is feeling the same way and I'm pretty sure I am too.
Before he left we had intimate time, just not in his bed but in eachother's presence - that was a stepping stone but perhaps a stone that is now covered - in 14 inches of snow to be exact.
In my last week off since any encounter of the driving kind, I've of course had time to think about what should happen. "If he texts me, then he cares." i tell myself, as my phone lays silent. Now I'm starting to wonder if it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie and not have any of my encounters anymore. This is the problem when you have too much time.
JF and I were out to drinks and he commented that one of the girls he was seeing had just gone on a 2 week vacation and that "the momentum is just gone" after that period of time, I'm wondering if RS is feeling the same way and I'm pretty sure I am too.
Before he left we had intimate time, just not in his bed but in eachother's presence - that was a stepping stone but perhaps a stone that is now covered - in 14 inches of snow to be exact.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Truth in Lyrics for December
Eerily like RS:
And I don't wanna see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given
And oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin'
There's nothin' left for you to break
Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces
Someone let you down again
So you turn to me,
Your convenient friend
Oh, but I know what you're doin'
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor
And I don't wanna see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given
And oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin'
There's nothin' left for you to break
Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces
Someone let you down again
So you turn to me,
Your convenient friend
Oh, but I know what you're doin'
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor
That Girl.
Last night JF, BG, N and I went out for a beverage of adult content. I knew that CB was going to be brought up. We haven't spoken since my ill-fated email that explained I didn't want to be a secret.
BG left and I turned to N, "JF knows everything - so you can say whatever you want." "What happened? He's heart broken."
JF had my back, explaining that he was a huge backer of CB for the entire time and that my actions were warranted. But she still pailed home that I was "That Girl."
"That Girl" is the girl in conversations when you're talking to a friend and say, "Oh, that girl." She's done something to warrant her being an object and not a real person. "That Girl" can be used in different contexts, for instance...
Scenario 1:
"I had crazy sex last night" - "with who?" - "that girl." Usually with some kind of head shaking and crazy eye expression that makes you feel like you should give a high five. I'm "That Girl" in the RS situation.
Scenario 2:
"She broke up with me over email." - "THAT GIRL did?" - In the sense of, "who does she think she is?"
Scenario 3:
Or in the past sense, "So I saw her last night." - "Who?" - "That Girl." as in, "she broke my heart."
So I'm that girl in all situations. It's not the first situation that I'm ashamed of, it's the last two. I feel like crap. I mean I've been dating for 12 years now and I haven't broken any hearts and only one person might talk ill of me, and he sued me so he has no right to. I knew once the "V" word was said that I was walking on glass and had to take things in the right way or end up launching a piece about 5 inches right into his heart - which I guess I did.
While talking to N I mentioned my affair with RS and how I actually feel happy, but I must admit that the situation with CB has taken me aback a bit. I feel like I don't deserve to want to be happy.
I guess "Shit, I was almost happy" applies again.
BG left and I turned to N, "JF knows everything - so you can say whatever you want." "What happened? He's heart broken."
JF had my back, explaining that he was a huge backer of CB for the entire time and that my actions were warranted. But she still pailed home that I was "That Girl."
"That Girl" is the girl in conversations when you're talking to a friend and say, "Oh, that girl." She's done something to warrant her being an object and not a real person. "That Girl" can be used in different contexts, for instance...
Scenario 1:
"I had crazy sex last night" - "with who?" - "that girl." Usually with some kind of head shaking and crazy eye expression that makes you feel like you should give a high five. I'm "That Girl" in the RS situation.
Scenario 2:
"She broke up with me over email." - "THAT GIRL did?" - In the sense of, "who does she think she is?"
Scenario 3:
Or in the past sense, "So I saw her last night." - "Who?" - "That Girl." as in, "she broke my heart."
So I'm that girl in all situations. It's not the first situation that I'm ashamed of, it's the last two. I feel like crap. I mean I've been dating for 12 years now and I haven't broken any hearts and only one person might talk ill of me, and he sued me so he has no right to. I knew once the "V" word was said that I was walking on glass and had to take things in the right way or end up launching a piece about 5 inches right into his heart - which I guess I did.
While talking to N I mentioned my affair with RS and how I actually feel happy, but I must admit that the situation with CB has taken me aback a bit. I feel like I don't deserve to want to be happy.
I guess "Shit, I was almost happy" applies again.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Son of a B*tch!
I pay $650 a month for rent - water & trash are the only things included and I live in an old place, this means that heat leaks like no tomorrow so my gas and electric tip the scales close to $130 a month. Justification purposes, my rent was supposed to include a parking space (off street) and a washer and dryer.
Well, with our little blizzard the landlord's brought out both trucks and now I can't park! Also, both washing machines are in use all the time and I know one of them is on my electric. The hall light is also on my electric and is turned on all the time without me. I'm getting to the short end of my leash here.
I've composed this letter (note, my landlord's live downstairs so I don't want to be mean):
First let me say that I really enjoy living here – you guys are great, I love being able to walk Cocoa, I love the location and I love the place.
I was really hoping to have a housewarming party this weekend; however, I know the remodeling is not done yet. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I would love to have people over for it, I was curious to if you thought it was possible to finish the place within the month? If not, please let me know so I can make alternative plans – either way is not a big deal.
Also, as we’ve discussed, the truck does take up a large amount of parking space and I can barely get my car in when it doesn’t snow. I was able to maneuver my car after shoveling out the space on Saturday but I’m really not able to get in at all with the truck on the outside of the garage at all. I’ve been parking on the street but am risking getting tickets every night with the snow. Part of the allure was having an off-street parking place in the rental amount, is there any possibility of having the spot available? If it might not be all the time I’d like to get a night parking permit for situations like this that arrive and take the amount off of my rent.
I don’t mean to be a pest, but I feel that I am paying a decent amount of rent for the area and I’d just like to be compensated for what I’m paying for.
I know there’s a lot going on right now and I am more than happy to utilize my dad’s workmen to finish the kitchen and pay them for their time if I can take that money out of my rent for January.
Please let me know your thoughts!
Well, with our little blizzard the landlord's brought out both trucks and now I can't park! Also, both washing machines are in use all the time and I know one of them is on my electric. The hall light is also on my electric and is turned on all the time without me. I'm getting to the short end of my leash here.
I've composed this letter (note, my landlord's live downstairs so I don't want to be mean):
First let me say that I really enjoy living here – you guys are great, I love being able to walk Cocoa, I love the location and I love the place.
I was really hoping to have a housewarming party this weekend; however, I know the remodeling is not done yet. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I would love to have people over for it, I was curious to if you thought it was possible to finish the place within the month? If not, please let me know so I can make alternative plans – either way is not a big deal.
Also, as we’ve discussed, the truck does take up a large amount of parking space and I can barely get my car in when it doesn’t snow. I was able to maneuver my car after shoveling out the space on Saturday but I’m really not able to get in at all with the truck on the outside of the garage at all. I’ve been parking on the street but am risking getting tickets every night with the snow. Part of the allure was having an off-street parking place in the rental amount, is there any possibility of having the spot available? If it might not be all the time I’d like to get a night parking permit for situations like this that arrive and take the amount off of my rent.
I don’t mean to be a pest, but I feel that I am paying a decent amount of rent for the area and I’d just like to be compensated for what I’m paying for.
I know there’s a lot going on right now and I am more than happy to utilize my dad’s workmen to finish the kitchen and pay them for their time if I can take that money out of my rent for January.
Please let me know your thoughts!
Almost Happy Again
I was doing my normal Monday scrolling, checking on all my favorite bloggers to see what was going on and I made my normal 11:00 stop at postsecret and saw this postcard above (link to it on the side). It was funny how it hit me.
"Shit, I was almost happy again." How many times do we sabatoge what's going on in our lives because we fear that we might be happy again? I do it constantly.
I was reading Darth's blog and in one post he discusses his Uncle & a woman he is dealing with - both situations are drastic, and all I could think is that they'd prefer the sympathy of others than to fix their ideal situations and then I wondered if that was me.
BG and I were at the bar the other night, grabbing a beer and celebrating the fact of his band being mentioned on-air. A couple got tossed back when he informed me that he knows we'll never be together because he's not my type - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be. He told me he's accepted his position of being my friend and will forever be my protector. It made my heart drop - how many girls would envy the position of a good looking guy saying that to them? I asked myself if I was potentially giving up happiness for something that could never be.
Of course, you know that means that I went to Madison the next day seeking solidarity and clarification. I actually didn't do it intentionally, I was walking my landlord's dog and when we arrived home I got a text message, "Should I be expecting company tonight?"
I was confused and not technically in the mood so I wrote back, "From me?" and dipped my toes into the warm bubble bath to heat up my cold skin from the walk. A little banter and 20 minutes later I drug my bubble soaked butt out of the tub and plugged in the curling iron. He'd be gone for a week, I could justify my second romp of the week, plus I left upset last time because I couldn't service him properly.
The night went on as normal. I couldn't get his doorbell to ring, he opened the door and I entered. He tried to kiss me, I told him to sit on the couch. I performed a little strip tease and we got down to business. He came, I didn't. He was out of commish, but held me close. It was 10:00 when I told him I wanted to leave before the blizzard, it was 2:00 when I actually did. This time seemed different, we chatted about his favorite band coming into town on tour, we talked about his week of vacation in Michigan. I asked who he was going with, and then he answered, "the guys."
With out thinking I asked, "the guys?" and then it dawned on me - The Guys. The guys from the band, including my ex. Without hesitation he confirmed and we chatted briefly about each individual person and their status - including a brief synopsis of the ex (with out my prompting). I felt that the conversation was about "the guys" and not the usual conversation dealing with "my ex." I wondered as I laid on his chest if he finally made a disassociation and if he was getting to a point where he could see me as a genuine person in his life. "You don't have to go if you don't want" he said as I put on my boots, "Do you want me to stay?" "No" he said as he hugged me and kissed me. I saw him waiting by his window as I pulled away.
I called #1 the next day, and told him I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I've crossed the line, I've screwed up. I was the girl that wanted sex with out strings, and I didn't stop when my emotions started getting in the way. #1 told me that I knew what I had to do, but asked me if it was what I wanted to do. I told him no, but I couldn't go through what he put me through years back. #1 asked me if I was stopping myself from being happy or if I've justified him as the reason to be happy. I told him that I can't help but think that he's the right guy. #1 reminded me that past mistakes aren't usually forgiving in the future and told me "You know what you want to do and you know what you have to do. Now you have to decide."
And with that being said I think to myself, "Shit, I was almost happy again."
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