Continuing the change.

The BF did not come over Tuesday due to the on-set of a cold. It wasn't this item that ticked me off, it was that he should have said the likelihood was low and let me go to bed after my second 12 hour day - instead I not only stayed up to clean but also moved my car. Not cool.

Wednesday I got loaded and when I hadn't heard anything by 11:00 - I called him for an attempt at a booty call. He turned me down flat. I told him it was fine, I read the book (He's not that into you).

Thursday was another 12 hour day and an exhausting meeting with our Financial Planner where I admitted that I had in fact been offered two other positions - one for 10K guaranteed more than I make now and one for $12K with the potential of $20K. I told him that I thought long and hard about what I deal with on a daily basis and referred back to what an old boss told me, "Never leave for money - leave for experience" and that I'm not sure my experience was done yet at C2. By 7:00 I was tired & drained and headed home.

JF called me, a regular attendant of my myspace blog, to find out what was going on from my sporadic and non-informing postings. I explained the situation including the non-return on the potential booty call.

"He turned down a drunk MG time? Something is wrong with him"

If you're new to this blog, JF is Just a Friend - hence the moniker - one that is similar to me and that we'd occasionally mess around together out of boredom and such long periods of single-ness. "You were seriously the best blow job I've ever gotten." That's something I needed to hear as the lack of sexual interest in me by the BF had me not only feeling unattractive but un-sex kitten like as well.

I hung up the phone, turned on lost and started to sleep. My phone rang with a text - 608 area code. That's right folks, he's back.

Ironic how at these weird times he always pops in. Not that I'd do anything. Technically we're both respectively in relationships at this point even though both have faltered closer to the single line. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood for banter - I was in the mood for sleep so I stopped short of any callus behavior.

At 8:47 my phone did ring to a number I didn't recognize. Yes, that's right folks, I deleted the BF straight off the phone. I ignored it and he left a message. I didn't return the call.

Today he called around 1:30 while I was in a meeting asking if we could go out tonight, I responded via text that "We'll see - might go out with Steph from HS" - an old friend that contacted me via myspace 3 weeks ago and I haven't seen in 10 years.

And that's where we leave it at this point in the story when it comes to the relationships. But, much like my life, when I get a light bulb moment it factors into multiple areas - including my job.

Every place has it's ups and downs, don't get me wrong. I do like my job still but there's only so many times that you can get pulled into an office and talked about what went wrong or who did what or who said what when you really feel the pressure. Next to that is what 2 of my bosses have recently said - they've used the age factor as a negotiating tip, something I'm familiar with being not only unethical but also illegal. I was told by one that I make "good money for MY AGE" and another that I was too young to want more than 2 weeks of vacation - both of which balance, in a sense of the other. It's these topics that really make me look back at those offers - these people offered me a pricing based on what I do not how old I am. I technically only have one week of vacation (but with comp time I'm allowed to travel a lot) and I technically make very little compared to what (a) the sales guy before me would have made and (b) what my percentages say. But as I said, I'm sticking to the place because there's more to learn - even while my expenses get sliced & diced.

That's pretty much the end-deal of what's going on - who knows where it may all lead.

Identifying the reasons to move on.

In the last couple weeks I've really focused on what is working and what's not. The main theme that has come up is that I'm sick of being everyone's excuse. I've been used as a scapegoat one too many times in the adventurous world of work and relationships and I've had it.

The relationship ending has come on the fact that the BF just hasn't even bothered to initiate a call - until 9:00 yesterday. He was supposed to come over Tuesday and in my effort to just sleep, I tried to get him not too. I called him twice, explaining that I had to clean and move my car if he was coming over, he told me he "wasn't sure - but probably would." And then didn't.

Gotta work - more to come!

Back to Single in the City.

Need I say more??

Where does the time go?

Thursday night I got all light headed at almost 11:00pm after working all day. I sat down by the BF, woke up a couple minutes later... I thought it was just being light headed, it turns out that I was wrong, he insisted I had a seizure.

Fast forward to now, I've had a billion tests done, a doctor in Jamaica so no one will give me answers, and a no-driving Doctor's orders until March 6. Dependent life isn't fun. Not to mention the crazy work hours. I'm taking a half day tomorrow and still clocking in close to 50 in 5 days.

I'm trying to figure out tonight - I'm at an event until 8:30, I'm already tired but I definitely need to clean before the BF strolls in around 2am. Not to mention shower.

Speaking of which - my freaking water bill was over $100! It's just me! I split it with the neighbors downstairs and feel like I got a little screwed in the deal. Honestly, it's not like the 5 minutes of hot water I get a day can equate to that much. I'm thinking of writing a "kind" letter to my landlord along the lines of "B*tch I'm giving you all this damn money - fix my sh*t" but more like ...

Dear Mr. Landlord,

In October I spoke with you regarding the trashed carpeting and unpainted walls which, at the time, you assured me were going to get replaced/painted. In November we spoke and you agreed to it being accomplished by December. This is my March payment, which includes the $101.53 for water and I'd like to re-issue a request for the above mentioned repairs within the next 30 days. I'd also like to discuss the heat; I think something is wrong with my thermostat as it's set at 60 and consistently says 60 but the heat is a lot warmer than that (as provided by my $205 gas bill, it is warmer than that). If these items cannot be fixed within the next 30 days, perhaps we could talk about another arrangement.

Sincerely,

The now broke MG.

Of course I'm pining for the "other arrangement" as it will most likely be me moving out, perhaps into a heat-included apartment. Oh - can I live with the dream of air conditioning too? How sweet it would be.

I'm catching no breaks lately on the whole apartment thing. What I really want is to settle into a place for the next 2 years and look at owning while I save up a little bit for a down payment.

Well, off to an event!!

It's not you, it's me.

I need a break! I can't believe how much time work has taken over. Between snow storms and rescheduling, instructor fits, follow ups, calendar mishaps and what not I'm in desperate need of another vacation. Can't I just lay under the covers and never move? I hate that feeling, the dread of going into work wondering what shit-storm you'll have to put out or how you're going to bite your tongue when you want to go in and rip people's heads off.

But I've had it being Ms. Nice Girl. I had it last year too and ended up having to sit through so many damn meetings about how people were now afraid to approach me because I had balls and wouldn't put up with their shit - so I reverted back. But I'm not a doormat and I'm sick of being trotted on, I'm sick of being talked down too. The truth is, yes, I make good money for "my age" as my boss put it - but you don't pay me enough to deal with this crap and you especially don't pay me enough for what I've done for the company.

But I digress, I hate my job sometimes.

Due to the work struggles and what not, I haven't been able to post much. I haven't been able to breathe for goodness sake. Not to mention, throw in all the random events of the week and the networking and POOF! it's been too long.

Because you might not be interested in everything - and I hate really long posts - I've broken them down into littler posts below! :)

Lipstick Jungle.

I'm hooked. Plugged because it was written by the STC crew and the premise is near the same (minus 1 friend), I'm a fan.

But I shouldn't be ... I don't think it's one of those shows good for your health. For some reason STC didn't make me feel like I need to be at the gym - this does. And Victory's relationship with the rich guy is making me look at "real" relationships as sucky. I want a guy to go to Miami and fly back to NY with lunch for me ...

And Nic's affair is ridiculous. It's got me thinking how badly I want to be pinned against the wall and screwed. Much like Carrie & Big's affair on STC. In fact, this erupted into a wild sex dream on Sunday morning ...

There's just something about man-handling that you can't put down. It's lust personified, the whole body starts craving every touch - I'm sure it looks idiotic from outsiders instead of well choreographed dance of perfect bodies like on TV. Your mouth just anticipating the hot steaminess of any skin, your fingers clawing on buttons and clothing for the soft subtle feel of real human skin. The breath so entirely hot on your neck, ears, down your shoulders, across the collar bone. Wanting someone to push you down and throw it in you assumes all your thoughts.

In a good girl sense, the sex dream was about the BF and it started off sweet and innocent. Kissing in the kitchen while I was cooking in a skirt, his warm breath on my neck as he begged to taste the sauce. His hands roaming down my side, up the skirt, touching that bottom part of your butt check all gently until he throws me up on the counter after turning me around. The kissing intensifies, the clothes come off (by the way - as part of the fantasy my body kicked ass - I mean, I had abs and everything). He starts touching the under part of my breasts (one of my favorite moves of all times - goosebumps!). Licking, touching, grabbing. He rips me down from the counter as we crawl up the stairs, biting and kissing as the clothes come off (but not my shoes), we start having sex right there. Then make it finally up to his bed, where he throws me down, grabs my hair and we just go at it like 16 year olds who finally realized that sex is good.

Upon waking up from the dream I just helped myself to the BF's body. I ripped off his underwear, climbed on top and didn't care for a minute if he was going to come.

I came three times.

Thank you Lipstick Jungle.

Valentine's Day.

I AM ONE OF THE CHEESY GIRLS.

I want the flowers, the swooning, the dinner, the dancing. I want the romance. It's one day a year - BE ROMANTIC!

I hadn't seen the BF in a couple of days when Thursday popped up in the calendar. I was still on the fence about what to do - because, while I agree that everyone here is right about him, I also don't post the good things that happen so it's a little bias. 2 really good friends actually told me to stop being detrimental - that what he did wasn't right but that we were good - so I was very unsure. I had decided, no matter what, that I was not going to dump him before his birthday and I was going to go through with his party.

As I was emailing out the details to his friends, the doorbell rang and he walked into work - with flowers and candy. I wanted to cry - I had no idea. It made work actually easier and nicer for the rest of the day. The romance pretty much ended there though. He had his son until 8, so they ate already. I was tired. We had some drinks, played some bags and headed home.

I should mention - I got 3 months of flowers and a $150 spa gift certificate as well :)

He got a photo album of the trip.

I owe you a post.

And I'm not sure where to start. Part of me wants to skip the events prior to the trip and during the trip, but you're jumping in your seats so I'll fill you in.

We did talk about the events that occurred when both of us were under the influence, and it comes down to the fact that's he comfortable enough with me to share his indiscretions (and I should mention here that he's never 100% said I suck in bed - just agreed quantity is higher than quality). I shared that I'm not a trusting person. We decided we still wanted to be us.

The night before the cruise we headed down to a local Mexican joint we frequent due to the delicious nature of their margaritas. We had one too many. So we went to the porn store for goodies during our "sex-fest" cruise that he kept bragging to his buddies about. $75 in goodies and a quick romp in one of the sex booths (we were REALLY drunk) we headed home, had sex and crashed before waking up at 4am to get to the airport.

Day one was amazing. It was hugging and kissing and holding hands. But day two was the day there was 9 million things happening on the cruise ship - and I barely saw him after that. He ran out of money by Saturday night and had to constantly borrow mine, I bought his son souvenirs, his parents (but stopped short of his ex-wife - that was out of his own pocket). Frankly it was getting old and I was getting irritated. I watched 3 sunrises by myself and 2 sunsets.

On the most romantic night of the cruise he wouldn't even comment that I looked nice, he wouldn't hold my hand, get a picture taken, walk into the restaurant with me. I was in tears. The only time he took a second to spend with me was at Bingo - because he wanted my ticket into the Black Jack tournament.

By day four we were on our second excursion and even though I was incredibly mad, I wanted to put it behind me and have this adventure with the guy I loved. It worked - until we got back to Calica. We met up with my sister and her fiance in one of the little shops, the BF ordered a couple Coronas and I went to bargain for some bracelets with my little sis. When I got back, he had drank it. Yup. The ONE thing the f*cker paid for the entire trip, he drank. I went back onto the boat.

We didn't have sex, we didn't kiss, we didn't touch - not even sleeping. I was heartbroken. I felt more like a roommate than a romantic partner and here I spent $6K at this mutha f*cker.

We had a charity function to go to on Friday - one where I'm kind of a big deal - so here he saw all this attention, everyone saying "You look amazing" "You look beautiful" etc. He finally said to someone, "Well - she always looks hot." And that led to a conversation about the whole trip fiasco. He said he was too over stimulated that he thought "we can have sex anytime - when can I do ..." and took everything for granted. The talk made me feel better - but not the continued weekend of me paying for everything until I was out of cash for 2 weeks, because his "bank changed over."

Things are on the rough - I'd really like him to pay me back at least part of what he owes me since he didn't do anything for me on the cruise. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have felt bad about giving him money if he didn't make me feel so rejected. We'll see what Valentine's Day brings.

Bowling is not always a good idea.

Sometimes the BF should not drink. When he does he goes from being plain-old dense to being stupid.

For instance, who declares in front of 2 mutual friends that you (being a 31 year old male) would have totally fucked that 21 year old - but she had a kid (and you do too). And when you're girlfriend overhears you explain, "and because I'm with you." And the 21 year old was a nasty, stoned out f*ck that also obviously did several lines of coke before going to your party. And she's not a Packer fan - an absolute must to be involved with you.

I blame it somewhat on the fact that I've recently found out that I'm bad in bed. Wait ... there's more.

And did I mention that I've been drinking?

His son (8 by the way) also mentioned 3 different girlfriends this weekend. 2 of which had kids his age. All of which he KNOWS his dad f*cked in HIS bed. Yup - an 8 year old's twin bed. I can't even get him to have sex with me in my bed or his on a regular basis. Then again, see above.

4 days until the cruise and I'm wondering what exactly is going to happen to us.

Inconceivable.

I think it's inconceivable to find someone that will love you no matter what. No matter the 10 lbs, the faulty outfit, the baggage.

I also believe that it's impossible that someone my age and older doesn't carry a good handful of baggage. The kind that airplanes wouldn't let you take on.

For instance ... I was engaged. He cheated. He got her pregnant. I called off the wedding. After him, anyone I felt close to cheated on me.

Speaking of cheating, I can't have kids (well there's a 3.65 percent chance which is better than nothing) because one cheated on me.

I don't like to be taken care of, but I do appreciate the occasional flowers.

And just once, once, I would like to have a guy that is inclined to be romantic. Flowers for no reason or my favorite bottle of wine when I make dinner.

And I'm insecure. Especially when I find out you had a hot wife and you cheated on her with her best friend. And my best friend is hot and you talk about how "you'll find out if she tea bags ..." ummm. You won't even let me tea bag ...

I'm also a tad-bit jealous. And a tad-bit disappointed if you're not.

So I have baggage too.

Maybe in this day and age relationships are doomed to fail as we except the fact that humans are not monogamous and people can not be trusted.

Kids say the darnest things.

The kid was at the hospital on Saturday night so I joined his mom since the BF was working - it was nothing big, just a viral infection. When the medicine kicked in, she left to make some calls and me and the kid hung in the room.

He inspected the table - finding the stirrups. He clicked one out, "Hey MG, why are there cup holders all the way down here?"

Blast from the Past.

When I bumped into RS's myspace page through a mutual friend, I sent a snotty message to make him smile - never expecting him to respond.

And he did.

It was weird. It's completely obvious that I'm in-a-relationship on it - there's about 40 pics of the boy and me. The good thing was that I didn't all feel attracted to him, the bad thing is I somehow couldn't type that I had a boyfriend when he asked me what was new and exciting. I didn't think I had to clarify it, but I felt this tinge of guilt for not saying anything. I guess we wait and see if he responds to me.

How 99 cents became hundreds of dollars & other ramblings.

Juno was a great movie. In one scene, Ellen Page (Juno) and Michael Cera (Bleaker) sing a rendition of the Moldy Peaches, "Anyone Else But You" and I was instantly in love (see my playlist). So I logged on to iTunes and purchased the 99 cent track. I'm a bit impatient, so I wanted that song in my car NOW. But iTunes had a different idea (see Apple is an Evil Corporation) so I bit the bullet and bought a Nano and an FM transmitter. All for the love of that song. Which I now know all the words too.

Other ramblings ... a friend and I chatted about relationships last night over cocktails. He mentioned that he and his girl are nearly perfect for each other but the sex sucks. I joked that the BF might say that quantity is definitely higher than quality. Then last night I realized that I think my conclusion from his comment was correct. That sucks, because his comments make me re-evaluate a lot.

But I've been thinking a lot about the situation. His freaking ex drives me nuts - she still controls so much of his life and when I laid in bed on Wednesday morning after they got in a fight I realized that there's no getting away from her. I also realized I'd never be able to move out of Wisconsin. Was this the life I wanted to live?

The cruise is 9 days a way and looking at my schedule next week, I think I'm going to have to pack this weekend. There's a couple things I still need to get - underwater camera, Bonine, Nano travel case, and some unmentionables at two stores...

I don't have an evening event tonight - yeehoo! Which means I'm going to the gym & tanning right after work.

Apple is an Evil Corporation.

I'm a good girl. I buy all my music on CDs at the store or off of iTunes. I just bought Michael Cera & Ellen Page, Ingrid Michaelson's album "Boys & Girls" and the Grey's CD because I liked a couple songs off of iTunes, all excited to burn a new CD for my car .... BUT WAIT.

I upgraded to Leopard. MISTAKE. I upgraded my iLife. MISTAKE. I bought these extra additions and now, now my paid music won't burn!! I've been trying for 2 days.

To listen to this in my car I have to buy a damn iPod (since they're the only player that plays the original format) AND a car connector.

Thanks for f*cking me Apple!

Refreshing.

You know what I think is refreshing?

I met the BF eight months ago. Our first kiss was bodies pressed up against eachother and I knew it turned him on. Today, I went over to watch Good Luck Chuck and before I left we were just kissing, and it had the same affect. That's nice to know, it makes me feel like he still enjoys me for me and it's not the sex that gets him hard - it's the fact that he's with me.

I was chatting with a guy at a networking event tonight and he asked how things were going - I told him straight off that while the BF was NOT a good boyfriend in the first couple months, I couldn't ask for someone better now (minus the drunken ramblings - but hey, it's okay) and that it's the first time I'm in love and it's wonderful - and scary - all at the same time.

I say first time I'm in love, because it's true - that just wasn't there in the past, not that I didn't love some of the guys - hell, I still love #1 more than anything. I loved them as people, not in the make-your-heart-beat-faster kind of way. I hadn't talked to him all day so it was great at 7:15 when the phone rang and it was him. He makes me smile.

16 days and counting. Other Ramblings Included.

16 days until the cruise ... weehoo! I also filed my taxes and as it turns out, the direct deposit option made for a nice addition since it'll be deposited at the very latest 2 days prior to the cruise! That means everything will be paid off and I'll even have a little extra ching for the casino.

This weekend I'm going shopping, which includes the (ugh) dreaded swimsuit search - to make it worse, I need TWO not one, since you're basically in the suit the entire time. I also need to pick up a couple sundresses and a nice, formal dress which I'm hoping I can also wear to the Eisner Museum's fundraiser - the XOXO.

I also conned the BF into joining me for the fundraiser - which will be the end to an exhausting week (the cruise is the 2nd-7th, the fundraiser's on the 8th), but he just looks so damn good when he dresses up...

In other news, tonight my dad's finally paying up on the Birthday Wishes - it's Hibachi night and I'm thrilled! Not that I'm all gun-ho for hibachi again, but more so that the kid is coming with ... I can't wait to see his face with the onion volcano and the flipping shrimp ...



That's one of the many great benefits with having an 8 year old around - all these things are new to him. It was the BF's first hibachi on my birthday and he was like a little kid - imagine how a little kid is going to be!

I'm also thrilled that it's Girl Scout Cookie Time!! MMMM - Caramel Delights, Thin Mints, Peanut butter patties - so many to choose from!!

The Count Down.

It's under 20 for the cruise. We leave February 2! Vacation. I'm looking forward to the time to think about whether I should change jobs or stay, for a wee-bit of gambling action and to see how me & the BF end up - 5 days, no roommate or kid to distract ourselves.

This does mean a stop at the Porn Store is in order. Not that I'll bring the arsenal - because you definitely don't need that to get caught in front of the grandparents & parents... eek.

My sister is terrified. (A) She's afraid of the end-tab (so am I - cruises aren't cheap!) since it's on her card and her fiance likes to (B) drink - a lot. She's afraid they'll fight, he'll pick a fight, or he'll just be dumb. Scary to think that this scares her when she said yes ...

Those Cheating Hearts.

Netscape posted an article today that blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women, because, upon pro-creation if the baby's eyes are anything but blue it shows that the female partner has cheated on them. Read more here ... http://channels.isp.netscape.com/whatsnew/recent.jsp?story=20071230-0630&floc=NI-ntk3

This opened the office up for a whole discussion on cheating hearts and me to go research crazy. Before I shock you with these stats let me explain my background with cheating: I haven't done it. Every guy I've been with has. I blame the first on being young, we weren't in love and we were still going through motions. In honesty we could've had this facade relationship but it wasn't passionate and we'd be those open marriage people that when home to their best friend (sound familiar MD?). Regardless, I was 21 and ended it. The second relationship was what I perceived as a relationship, fresh out of the gate of the marriage situation. There's nothing like lying in bed, rain pouring at your windows, your naked bodies catorted over each other having just knocked boots four times and him saying, "I think I'm in love with my girlfriend Amy." Newsflash, we just fucked - you're not in love. In a series of events and men after, I was once again the other woman with CW, #1 started seeing a younger woman 9 months into our relationship, and then Guitar Guy - well, there was a whole hell swarmed up in the "I'm single when I'm playing" attitude.

Let me also add that the BF doesn't have a good record under his belt and neither does his ex.

So here's the stats ....

20% of married men engage in multiple affairs during their marriage, 16% of women do - these are physical affairs.

55% of men, 48% of women have engaged in emotional affairs that may or may not result in sex.

Of the people engaged in physical affairs, 92% of their marriages fail due to the cheating.

Of those who remarry, 85% will cheat on their spouses or significant others again.

Scary right? I don't get cheating, because if you do it - then you're obviously not happy, it doesn't matter if your drunk or lonely - the person your with that would qualify your reaction as cheating isn't working with you to make it work. In that case, why don't you just leave? And to be a hypocrite myself from my last debacle of a relationship, if you know they're cheating - they'll repeat, so just leave.

It's one of those never ending questions that go about the day.

IAR

Three really important words on myspace.

I go back and forth between SINGLE and IN A RELATIONSHIP since his hasn't moved off of DIVORCED in the 7 months (6 in his time) that we've been together.

Perusing today on the social networking sight I noticed the update that he changed his profile. I looked and it was the same picture, so I pulled it up. Nope, same mood and same quote. I scrolled down ... there it was, the holy grail of relationship status.

Not divorced anymore - he's In a Relationship. I smiled. Yeah :)

In other relationship news, I've really been pondering this whole moving in thing and I've decided, that if he asks sober, I'll do it. He's nearly melted the Ice Princess montage I've put together over the last four years, why not take the next big leap? Granted, I'm going to wait until after the trip to do it and I'll need to find a sub-leaser for my loft, but the thought of sleeping in his arms makes me so freaking happy. The money savings too isn't a bad option either - I can really start building up my savings.

Our trip is only 25 days away, that will be the big tester. Basically it's 7 nights and 8 days fully together (if you count the night before), no friends, no kid - just us. It'll be interesting to see how we handle it. I think we'll be fine though. I've finally reached the point where I feel secure with him, I've let the icey exterior melt. I'm, for the first time, completely in love.

It makes me think about that 6 weeks back in May & June, I was so heart broken because I was taken by him and he wasn't by me. I couldn't understand why I would cry so much, why it hurt so bad. Now I realize why, I'm 50 times more taken today as I was on Mother's day.

A bit pissed.

I'm 27. I have two degrees from the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, one in Classical Studies and one in Journalism & Mass Communication. This means I'm not dumb.

This also means I know how to operate computers. I know how to upload software, I know how to troubleshoot. I consistently get calls from relatives asking me to help out with their PCs and their Macs.

Just because I'm a sales bitch doesn't mean that I'm clueless. I know Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign & Quark. I am AN AWARD WINNING Account Executive. I am a published writer. I am a published photographer.

So don't treat me like I'm fucking 2 years old and can't turn on a god damn computer!
And do NOT condescendingly speak to me because YOU didn't tell me that other people needed to be involved in a project. And if you so thought that, arrange your own damn conference call. It's really simple, email the person and set up a time.

Yeah. I'm a bit pissed off.