Pet Owners

I have to post this email I received today because it's so true ...

My Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it to become your dish
and food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest!

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep at right angles to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out at the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. I have been using The bathroom for years - canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

And for Your comfort, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our Front door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND MIGHT WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY
PETS

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's
why they call it "fur"niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like some people. To you, it's an
animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

4. Finally, remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they Eat
less; don't ask for money all the time; are easier to train; Usually come
when called; never drive your car; don't hang out with Drug-using
friends; don't smoke or drink; don't worry about having to Buy the latest
fashions; don't wear your clothes; don't need a Gazillion dollars for
college; and if they get pregnant; you can sell their children.