Screwing yourself.

We got our first snow storm - on the anniversary, ironically, of the blizzard last year (December 1st). I stayed at my mom's doing laundry and baking banana goods (NG's banana's were WAY over ripe) and then started the 40 minute, 20 mile an hour, trek home. The BF wanted to go out, so we did - bowling, yet again. It's not that I don't like bowling, I do - but when you do it ALL the time and you still suck it kind of runs its course.

Anyway, I consumed A LOT. The BF drove, and even if he didn't it's not like I couldn't just walk home. Both of us consumed more than our fair share and ended up in one of those better-to-be drunk conversations. It started off with Christmas.

I informed him that he could have his choice for Christmas - the cruise our family is taking in February (but it would be combined with his birthday) or Packer tickets for December 30th. He said he'd really prefer the cruise and then said, "so we agree that the cruise will be our exchange this year?" Drunk, I said yes.

Then there was the conversation regarding my sister calling him my boy-toy on Thanksgiving. It turns out he was rather hurt by the conversation. He asked if my family even liked him. I told him that they did; however, my sister won't take anyone seriously that I'm with unless we've said I loved you, there's a ring, or a wedding. This was actually quite strategic on my drunken state, since the fact that we've been together 6 months and haven't said it turns out to be a little concerning for me. His response was not what I was thinking, he explained "We've only been together for 6 months, I'm not going to say it unless I mean it." Ouch. Take another drink.

Then there was the topic of kids that came up. We were joking that my family needs more kids, he joked that I should have one. That's when I admitted that I probably can't. I think it was a sobering statement for him. "Good to know." Was his response. He asked why, and I evaded the question. I responded with "I have a 5% chance." Drink.

The next morning I woke with a killer headache and flashes of the night before. The cruise conversation dawned on me - and that's when I realized that I screwed myself out of a Christmas present because I'm the one paying for the cruise, he's not paying for any of it. Shit.

I went by my mom's and recounted the story about him being my boy-toy, she told me to think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to take the cruise with someone who doesn't know after 6 months that he loves me. The truth is I had been.

I figured the cruise is still the best route - if something happens between now and then, I'll just pony up the $200 for a name change on the ticket and bring a friend. It'll still be my trip. And if nothing does happen - then maybe it'll be very titanic like and he'll tell me that he does indeed care.