The first one is TMI - so scroll if you don't want all the information.
I started cleaning my house on Friday, bored from having the day off I had already tried out the malls for a little black Friday shopping. When I got SUPER bored, I thought "Hell! I'm just going to masturbate." Too tired from all the moving around, I decided to aid my experience with a little pornography left behind by an old trashy roommate. I put the vibrator on high and started watching.
When my door opened. And I could hear movement. And all I could think to do is quickly close my bedroom door, THEN flip off the vibrator and yell "Oh shit!" to myself as I clicked off the rather loud TV.
My maintenance guy just caught me masturbating.
My second story is just kind of gross.
While in the flu daze, I had a rather bad issue of both ends. So while sitting on the toilet I felt the need to vomit. Thanking God my tub was next to the toilet, I swung my head around and - oops. Didn't make it all the way. The Bumpkin was in the way of the projection. His big green eyes looked up at me like, "Why Mom? Why?"
I puked on my cat.
I still don't think he's 100% forgiven me.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Did She, or Didn't She?
She, being me, didn't. The answer to all questions on your mind.
I thought I might have, but under the terms of intoxication - I don't think I did. I remember bringing up the fact that, once again, he was active on Match within 24 hours and if he didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship - by all means, he didn't have to be.
Then I went home and puked. At first I thought it was the alcohol, by all means the first one may have been, but puking non-stop at 11am told me different. I had the flu. It had just gone around my family and was precisely 24 hours according to them.
I couldn't buck it up, I was a mess. Water, puke. Gatorade, puke. Juice, puke. Soup, puke. Crackers, puke. 24 hours straight, nothing would be kept down. I shivered in my apartment with the heat cranked to 85 degrees, 2 shirts, 2 sweatpants, 2 blankets and one very hot bumpkin. When the phone rang at 7:00pm, I was in desperate search of companionship or at least a gun. His voice was calm and collected on the other line, mine? Not so much. I pushed away tears as I interrupted our call twice because I had to puke, again. He offered a heating blanket and soup, I turned him down. What I really wanted was him, but he had the kid and I didn't want to get them sick. He told me to feel better by tomorrow, I had to help with appetizers.
It wasn't until the vomiting subsided at around 10pm that I questioned what had just happened - didn't I just break up with him? I checked Nic's link - his profile didn't exist anymore on Match. Maybe I negotiated that? Either way, I figured I'd smile through Thanksgiving and call it a day.
I arrived at 10am to help with appetizers. We went over to his ex-wife's mom's for a late Thanksgiving. It was a lovely time. He kissed me and cuddled me in front of them. He was concerned about my stomach at dinner. We went bowling, we went back to his house, and when the drinking was too much for our standard Sunday night, he begged me to sleep over simply because "I love sleeping next to you."
And the sex this morning was good.
In thinking about things I was wondering who was making what decisions. 1/2 my friends hate him, 1/2 of them love him. The 1/2 that hate are loud mouths about it, begging me at every corner to break up with him. The 1/2 that don't beg me to listen to my heart.
But my heart's confused :(
I thought I might have, but under the terms of intoxication - I don't think I did. I remember bringing up the fact that, once again, he was active on Match within 24 hours and if he didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship - by all means, he didn't have to be.
Then I went home and puked. At first I thought it was the alcohol, by all means the first one may have been, but puking non-stop at 11am told me different. I had the flu. It had just gone around my family and was precisely 24 hours according to them.
I couldn't buck it up, I was a mess. Water, puke. Gatorade, puke. Juice, puke. Soup, puke. Crackers, puke. 24 hours straight, nothing would be kept down. I shivered in my apartment with the heat cranked to 85 degrees, 2 shirts, 2 sweatpants, 2 blankets and one very hot bumpkin. When the phone rang at 7:00pm, I was in desperate search of companionship or at least a gun. His voice was calm and collected on the other line, mine? Not so much. I pushed away tears as I interrupted our call twice because I had to puke, again. He offered a heating blanket and soup, I turned him down. What I really wanted was him, but he had the kid and I didn't want to get them sick. He told me to feel better by tomorrow, I had to help with appetizers.
It wasn't until the vomiting subsided at around 10pm that I questioned what had just happened - didn't I just break up with him? I checked Nic's link - his profile didn't exist anymore on Match. Maybe I negotiated that? Either way, I figured I'd smile through Thanksgiving and call it a day.
I arrived at 10am to help with appetizers. We went over to his ex-wife's mom's for a late Thanksgiving. It was a lovely time. He kissed me and cuddled me in front of them. He was concerned about my stomach at dinner. We went bowling, we went back to his house, and when the drinking was too much for our standard Sunday night, he begged me to sleep over simply because "I love sleeping next to you."
And the sex this morning was good.
In thinking about things I was wondering who was making what decisions. 1/2 my friends hate him, 1/2 of them love him. The 1/2 that hate are loud mouths about it, begging me at every corner to break up with him. The 1/2 that don't beg me to listen to my heart.
But my heart's confused :(
7 Random Things - As Tagged By Sexy House Wife
7 Random Things About Me:
(1) I love vanilla tootsie rolls
(2) I'm a big old baby when I'm sick
(3) I have a dog-sitting business which is extremely draining.
(4) My favorite drink is Captain & Diet Coke (no lime!)
(5) I pretend not to be romantic, but I really yearn for it.
(6) I used to dabble in amateur photography - until it got a little on the seedy side.
(7) I've never had my heart REALLY broken. It's hurt, but not been broken.
(1) I love vanilla tootsie rolls
(2) I'm a big old baby when I'm sick
(3) I have a dog-sitting business which is extremely draining.
(4) My favorite drink is Captain & Diet Coke (no lime!)
(5) I pretend not to be romantic, but I really yearn for it.
(6) I used to dabble in amateur photography - until it got a little on the seedy side.
(7) I've never had my heart REALLY broken. It's hurt, but not been broken.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Oh Shoppers!
I did it at 11:00. I needed a new jacket. That was why. And while there, I got the perfect break-up outfit too.
Although, I should have taken Bella's advice and made like a band-aid I feared my family's reaction to not having him around or any him for that matter. I just wanted to fake happiness for one day and I did, except I confused it for the real deal. Tired after 3 Thanksgivings yesterday, I slept next to him. It's been over a week since I've done that. His body is so warm, so lovely.
And then Nic called, but not for normal Thanksgiving chit-chat, to let me know that he was still active on Match.com.
For the life of me, I wanted to believe that I was good enough. But I'm not. Not for him at least. So me and my shattered heart are leaving.
Tonight I'll put on the new jeans (that actually fit) and the new shirt and I'm going to tell him that I can't do this. I can't be good now, because that means at some point I won't be good anymore.
The tough part is I was actually IN LOVE with him. That, my lovely folks, is why I don't date. I don't like this part. The part where I want to crawl in a ball or scream and ask why I couldn't be good enough.
At least I'll look good while trying.
Although, I should have taken Bella's advice and made like a band-aid I feared my family's reaction to not having him around or any him for that matter. I just wanted to fake happiness for one day and I did, except I confused it for the real deal. Tired after 3 Thanksgivings yesterday, I slept next to him. It's been over a week since I've done that. His body is so warm, so lovely.
And then Nic called, but not for normal Thanksgiving chit-chat, to let me know that he was still active on Match.com.
For the life of me, I wanted to believe that I was good enough. But I'm not. Not for him at least. So me and my shattered heart are leaving.
Tonight I'll put on the new jeans (that actually fit) and the new shirt and I'm going to tell him that I can't do this. I can't be good now, because that means at some point I won't be good anymore.
The tough part is I was actually IN LOVE with him. That, my lovely folks, is why I don't date. I don't like this part. The part where I want to crawl in a ball or scream and ask why I couldn't be good enough.
At least I'll look good while trying.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
The Revelations of Last Night.
It started with harmless drinks with the BF's ex wife and a friend I'll call GS (guy stealer).
First I get told a story of banter at the Ex and the BF's Thanksgiving on Sunday. Someone asked if they were together, she told them they used to be but now she was with her fiance and that I'd become shortly. The BF joked to her that at least she upgraded. Okay, so does that make me a downgrade? Then she said, "I told him if even said you were a downgrade I'd break his legs. And then he shut up. Okay. So I am a downgrade. Lovely.
GS showed up and more stories of the BF got going. She mentioned on July 4 at our family picnic (where they were both present) that it was extremely apparent the BF wanted to get with her. I am his girlfriend and your friend, but thanks for the story.
GS is actually with AD now. They hooked up while she knew that him and I were still a bit together, hence the GS title. She said that the BF and AD have eased up on eachother because now the BF knows he doesn't have a shot with her and AD is not a threat because their together.
Wow. Is any of this supposed to make me feel better?
The Ex, who weighs maybe an ounce, kept reiterating that the BF doesn't NORMALLY like big girls. Ahem, that would be me.
While I don't mind either girls, this did nothing for my self esteem and off to home I went to contemplate.
At around 11 the BF called to tell me that he talked w/the ex and heard that I offered to bring their son to the Turkey Bowl if the BF wouldn't make it. Which of course didn't go over well on his already drinking butt.
Which came to his tyrant about how is ex is still so involved in his life and he wants to move away, but can't because of the Kid. And over, and over, about how SHE left him, not the other way around. How she keeps running back to him and he doesn't know what to do. HE went to the counseling, she didn't. How HE tried to make it work. He was so sick of HER trying to get back into his life, because SHE always runs back to her ex.
I told him to have fun at poker and reflected under the premise of Captain and Lunestas about what just occurred.
First of all, I think it means he still loves her because he wanted me to understand that he didn't leave her.
Second of all, I was never mentioned once as a reason why he'd stay or why she should leave him alone.
Third, I don't want to be a downgrade.
Fourth, the conclusion. This isn't good for any of us.
First I get told a story of banter at the Ex and the BF's Thanksgiving on Sunday. Someone asked if they were together, she told them they used to be but now she was with her fiance and that I'd become shortly. The BF joked to her that at least she upgraded. Okay, so does that make me a downgrade? Then she said, "I told him if even said you were a downgrade I'd break his legs. And then he shut up. Okay. So I am a downgrade. Lovely.
GS showed up and more stories of the BF got going. She mentioned on July 4 at our family picnic (where they were both present) that it was extremely apparent the BF wanted to get with her. I am his girlfriend and your friend, but thanks for the story.
GS is actually with AD now. They hooked up while she knew that him and I were still a bit together, hence the GS title. She said that the BF and AD have eased up on eachother because now the BF knows he doesn't have a shot with her and AD is not a threat because their together.
Wow. Is any of this supposed to make me feel better?
The Ex, who weighs maybe an ounce, kept reiterating that the BF doesn't NORMALLY like big girls. Ahem, that would be me.
While I don't mind either girls, this did nothing for my self esteem and off to home I went to contemplate.
At around 11 the BF called to tell me that he talked w/the ex and heard that I offered to bring their son to the Turkey Bowl if the BF wouldn't make it. Which of course didn't go over well on his already drinking butt.
Which came to his tyrant about how is ex is still so involved in his life and he wants to move away, but can't because of the Kid. And over, and over, about how SHE left him, not the other way around. How she keeps running back to him and he doesn't know what to do. HE went to the counseling, she didn't. How HE tried to make it work. He was so sick of HER trying to get back into his life, because SHE always runs back to her ex.
I told him to have fun at poker and reflected under the premise of Captain and Lunestas about what just occurred.
First of all, I think it means he still loves her because he wanted me to understand that he didn't leave her.
Second of all, I was never mentioned once as a reason why he'd stay or why she should leave him alone.
Third, I don't want to be a downgrade.
Fourth, the conclusion. This isn't good for any of us.
The last nail in the coffin.
It was his drunken 20 minute rant last night that made me realize that this relationship with the BF just wasn't going work. For 20 minutes he talked about his ex-wife and how he was sick of dealing with her whenever she needed something, and re-iterated about 50 or so times that "she left him" he didn't leave her. When it finally dawned on me. He's still in love with her.
Not to mention the cocktail earlier where I found out that he insinuated that he downgraded to me.
I looked at everything on the table at the moment and realized there was no setting for me.
It has to be over no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I hate the idea of being alone.
I will NOT be the other woman, even if the marriage is supposedly dead.
Not to mention the cocktail earlier where I found out that he insinuated that he downgraded to me.
I looked at everything on the table at the moment and realized there was no setting for me.
It has to be over no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I hate the idea of being alone.
I will NOT be the other woman, even if the marriage is supposedly dead.
Giving Thanks.
I'm thankful for ...
My New Jetta. And getting it by myself without anyone's help.
My New Apartment Even though I have to concentrate on making it a home in the next few weeks.
My Friends & Family That called me non-stop to make sure I was okay after the accident.
And for those that didn't. So I know who is a good investment of time and who isn't.
For giving up on 4 years of being single. Realizing that I could be in a relationship.
For finding out that single is okay and having the faith to go back to it even in the fear of being a crazy cat lady.
My New Jetta. And getting it by myself without anyone's help.
My New Apartment Even though I have to concentrate on making it a home in the next few weeks.
My Friends & Family That called me non-stop to make sure I was okay after the accident.
And for those that didn't. So I know who is a good investment of time and who isn't.
For giving up on 4 years of being single. Realizing that I could be in a relationship.
For finding out that single is okay and having the faith to go back to it even in the fear of being a crazy cat lady.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Is Romance Dead?
Think about it. 50 years ago men did more than a handful of things to woo the ladies they liked - take this for instance: http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=683367, or just look at my grandparents. With shoe boxes still filled with love letters, trinket jewelry bought on a budget and pressed flowers all show the romance of courting. My grandpa still tells my Grandma that he loves her everyday, holds her hand - even if they're just on the couch, tells her that she is by far the most beautiful woman in the world.
30 years ago there was a slight change - still the letters and flowers, the romantic dates and what not. Romance existed in the ideal sense of wanting to start a family and settle down in your early 20s, if not sooner. There were late night dinners with a dress code, dancing under the stars, sneaking away for kissing.
Even 20 years ago there was a concerted effort to be romantic still.
But in today's world it seems like there's just no time to be romantic. We're so concerned with getting things done and fit in to our technology driven day that we forget what Hollywood tells us still exists. No one picks you up anymore because you're too busy to go home - you'll just meet out somewhere instead ... if you even go out. And if you do, you're struggling with balancing your moment of free time with the person you care about and your friends, so you're out to dinner or drinks with people and not yourselves.
Flowers are only given when there's a good chance that someone did something wrong. Not just because. Maybe it's in an effort to be green that we don't stop and just pick a single stem or a bouquet because it'll just die, or because we forget that it's a fragrant reminder that someone cares. Maybe it's just because it takes too much time to stop and pick one on the side of the road or go to the grocery store and balance it with our frozen meals. Love letters are null and void and replaced perhaps with text messages, an abbreviated message of temporary satisfaction that will not be stored in a shoebox for the grand kids. And Love, if said at all, is replaced with "Luv" and you with "yah" - not so sure why, but it just is.
Does the first kiss on the doorstep still exist? The walk to the car? The little words like, "I don't want you to go" or "I miss you." Will there really be anyone outside my window with a boom box declaring that they want to be with me? Will I come to work and find a bouquet of lilies, because they're my favorite) declaring "just because" or "can't wait to see you" or "thanks for last night?" Not likely, because romance may only exist on the flickering big screen - or better yet, for $3.99 bought right off your cable box, because you also don't have to take someone to the movies anymore.
30 years ago there was a slight change - still the letters and flowers, the romantic dates and what not. Romance existed in the ideal sense of wanting to start a family and settle down in your early 20s, if not sooner. There were late night dinners with a dress code, dancing under the stars, sneaking away for kissing.
Even 20 years ago there was a concerted effort to be romantic still.
But in today's world it seems like there's just no time to be romantic. We're so concerned with getting things done and fit in to our technology driven day that we forget what Hollywood tells us still exists. No one picks you up anymore because you're too busy to go home - you'll just meet out somewhere instead ... if you even go out. And if you do, you're struggling with balancing your moment of free time with the person you care about and your friends, so you're out to dinner or drinks with people and not yourselves.
Flowers are only given when there's a good chance that someone did something wrong. Not just because. Maybe it's in an effort to be green that we don't stop and just pick a single stem or a bouquet because it'll just die, or because we forget that it's a fragrant reminder that someone cares. Maybe it's just because it takes too much time to stop and pick one on the side of the road or go to the grocery store and balance it with our frozen meals. Love letters are null and void and replaced perhaps with text messages, an abbreviated message of temporary satisfaction that will not be stored in a shoebox for the grand kids. And Love, if said at all, is replaced with "Luv" and you with "yah" - not so sure why, but it just is.
Does the first kiss on the doorstep still exist? The walk to the car? The little words like, "I don't want you to go" or "I miss you." Will there really be anyone outside my window with a boom box declaring that they want to be with me? Will I come to work and find a bouquet of lilies, because they're my favorite) declaring "just because" or "can't wait to see you" or "thanks for last night?" Not likely, because romance may only exist on the flickering big screen - or better yet, for $3.99 bought right off your cable box, because you also don't have to take someone to the movies anymore.
Upgrade.
I upgraded on Saturday. To a 2004 Reflex Silver, 4 Door, Sun/Moonroof, leather toting, heated seat, Jetta. All by myself.
And I've realized that there are some other upgrades that are going to happen in the next few weeks. First of all, I'm in the mood for a little cut and color-sexy feeling do. And some new clothes that actually fit.
Then there's the BF. I've been wondering lately if I just have my standards too high, if I'm expecting too much. If I'm caught up in the world of romantic movies, expecting at any moment for him to be outside my window with a boombox screaming my name and actually tell me that he loves me. But then I realized it doesn't matter if that's my standard - because maybe there will be someone out there that thinks I'm the best. That thinks I'm beautiful. That wants to kiss me, make out with me, hold me, to parade me around like he's the luckiest guy on the planet. It turns out that that person isn't the BF. I don't think he's even ever told me I was pretty, I looked nice. I'm not sure if leaving the relationship is an "upgrade" perhaps since being single all over again doesn't seem like a higher life.
But it's not a downgrade either.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Toasty Buns.
I fell in love with a Jetta.
2004
51000 miles
Leather Interior (with seat warmers)
Monsoon stereo system
Sun/Moon Roof
Power windows/locks
ABS
Overdrive capability
Automatic.
It's just going to cost me my soul ....
2004
51000 miles
Leather Interior (with seat warmers)
Monsoon stereo system
Sun/Moon Roof
Power windows/locks
ABS
Overdrive capability
Automatic.
It's just going to cost me my soul ....
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I want to nap.
Ugh. The insurance company is just giving me enough to cover my loan so that means I'm going into a new-used car purchase with $200.00 and no trade-in. I'm not sure how this will even work.
I've kind of settled on a VW, one because it's the "cool" industry thing, and two because a bunch of friends have them and they seem to run well.
Now it's trying to fit it all in to the schedule.
Somehow I have to manage to buy a car, go to Indy, make banana bread by Tuesday and make 4 different kind of pies by Thursday morning....
I've kind of settled on a VW, one because it's the "cool" industry thing, and two because a bunch of friends have them and they seem to run well.
Now it's trying to fit it all in to the schedule.
Somehow I have to manage to buy a car, go to Indy, make banana bread by Tuesday and make 4 different kind of pies by Thursday morning....
Friday, November 09, 2007
Getting back to normal.
The last few days have left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth regarding the BF. I was seriously contemplating whether or not this is really what I wanted in my life and the answer was indefinitely no. So last night when the phone rang, I hesitated picking it up, I could blame it on the fact that I was still at a networking event...
But I did, because - as always - I fold. I was greeted by "Hey sexy sugar plum."
I asked him if he was drunk, turns out he was just trying to be sweet and then I realized, maybe this kind of reaction makes him not want to be emotional with me. I went to his house and cuddled up for 1408, which by the way - was not as good as I thought it could be. He was different, not cold but the guy that I was falling in love with. He kissed the top of my head, "Your hair smells good." That was all he needed to do earlier in the week, that little action made me feel genuine.
With my bumps and bruises almost gone, the sweet kisses and touching were welcome and we climbed into his bed for a little one-on-one time. Then we cuddled. I couldn't remember the last time we cuddled. His skin is so incredibly soft, and he touched me while we laid there and even though he didn't say it, I knew he was thinking that he was glad I was there.
I tossed & turned for a couple hours but then gave into how tired I was and woke up touching his back. It was incredibly nice. He quietly got out of bed and let me sleep, a kiss on my forehead to see if I wanted to sleep longer or get up followed.
Where was this guy a couple days ago??
But I did, because - as always - I fold. I was greeted by "Hey sexy sugar plum."
I asked him if he was drunk, turns out he was just trying to be sweet and then I realized, maybe this kind of reaction makes him not want to be emotional with me. I went to his house and cuddled up for 1408, which by the way - was not as good as I thought it could be. He was different, not cold but the guy that I was falling in love with. He kissed the top of my head, "Your hair smells good." That was all he needed to do earlier in the week, that little action made me feel genuine.
With my bumps and bruises almost gone, the sweet kisses and touching were welcome and we climbed into his bed for a little one-on-one time. Then we cuddled. I couldn't remember the last time we cuddled. His skin is so incredibly soft, and he touched me while we laid there and even though he didn't say it, I knew he was thinking that he was glad I was there.
I tossed & turned for a couple hours but then gave into how tired I was and woke up touching his back. It was incredibly nice. He quietly got out of bed and let me sleep, a kiss on my forehead to see if I wanted to sleep longer or get up followed.
Where was this guy a couple days ago??
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I want Hollywood!
I know it's senseless, and perhaps Hollywood isn't doing us any favors by portraying these men that would do anything for their ladies, but lately I can't help but really want Hollywood.
It all started with the accident on Saturday morning. I texted the BF that I was in an accident and on my way to the hospital at 9:32. At 12:45 he finally called back, but was I was in the hospital still so no cell phone. He left a message, "Just me, seeing how you are - uh, call me back."
I did at 2:00, fresh from the trauma of the salvage yard and in tears I told him I hit 2 cement walls. "Well, are you okay?" he said. I replied "Couple bumps and bruises but I'm alive ..." His response? "Okay, well are you still coming over tonight?" I told him I'd see, obviously I had no vehicle.
He called at 8:00 and I told him I was waiting for Jim to pick me up and I'd be over. About 9:00 I arrived at his house and he hugged me. NG and his girl, as well as the BF's kid asked if I was okay. He didn't. He didn't even sit next to me. After the kid went to bed, he came by, I cuddled into his side and he fell asleep. Promptly kicking me out at 2am.
On Sunday I dropped off the cookies I baked for him early last week and said I couldn't stay long, I played legos and Star Wars with his son and he turned to me and said "I thought you had to leave. You should go home and take a nap." So I gathered my things, "We are going bowling - right?" he asked. I said I'd be there, hoping at any minute he'd run up and swing me around and yell out to the world, "I'm so glad you're okay!" But instead I got into my vehicle with not so much as a peck on the cheek.
We bowled. I wasn't happy. We said barely any words to each other except for the occasional high 5 for knocking down pins. At the end of the night the drinks made us a little more tipsy and we kissed. I also MAY have started blowing him in the parking lot outside of the truck ... maybe. I blame that action on the fact that he asked for sex and even though I told him my body was bruised and ugly, he shrugged and said he didn't care (Hollywood answer is NOT - I don't care, it's "you're beautiful, what are you talking about" by the way). So we had sex, and of course, an ungodly long session that made me use many of my bruised up parts. And when we were done? He told me to "get back to the dog - and lock the door on your way out."
Talk about feeling more like a hooker than a girlfriend.
On Monday he called to ask what I was making for dinner. I ended up buying Chinese. On Tuesday he was supposed to come over, though due to his lack of interest in my well-being, I drank a bit too much and decided to pass out early (my one and only night of sleep over 2 hours). On Wednesday I brought him lunch. We didn't even talk while we ate. At the end of the time, I stood on his porch and kissed him, praying for his baby blues to search my soul, but to my dismay - nada.
I can't help that I want Hollywood. The guy that would have rushed to the hospital or at the very least, called non-stop until I picked up the phone. The guy that would have sent flowers or at least offered to make me dinner - scratch that, a guy that would bring out an ice pack or hand you some asprin with out asking. I want the guy that would offer to come to ME since I almost died. That would hold me when he saw me. That would whisper he was glad I was okay, or even just hold me so tight that I would know. The guy that would care that I haven't slept in almost a week and offer his shoulder for comfort during a movie.
The only thing is trying to fathom if this is a real guy or if this is Hollywood? I'm not sure anymore ...
It all started with the accident on Saturday morning. I texted the BF that I was in an accident and on my way to the hospital at 9:32. At 12:45 he finally called back, but was I was in the hospital still so no cell phone. He left a message, "Just me, seeing how you are - uh, call me back."
I did at 2:00, fresh from the trauma of the salvage yard and in tears I told him I hit 2 cement walls. "Well, are you okay?" he said. I replied "Couple bumps and bruises but I'm alive ..." His response? "Okay, well are you still coming over tonight?" I told him I'd see, obviously I had no vehicle.
He called at 8:00 and I told him I was waiting for Jim to pick me up and I'd be over. About 9:00 I arrived at his house and he hugged me. NG and his girl, as well as the BF's kid asked if I was okay. He didn't. He didn't even sit next to me. After the kid went to bed, he came by, I cuddled into his side and he fell asleep. Promptly kicking me out at 2am.
On Sunday I dropped off the cookies I baked for him early last week and said I couldn't stay long, I played legos and Star Wars with his son and he turned to me and said "I thought you had to leave. You should go home and take a nap." So I gathered my things, "We are going bowling - right?" he asked. I said I'd be there, hoping at any minute he'd run up and swing me around and yell out to the world, "I'm so glad you're okay!" But instead I got into my vehicle with not so much as a peck on the cheek.
We bowled. I wasn't happy. We said barely any words to each other except for the occasional high 5 for knocking down pins. At the end of the night the drinks made us a little more tipsy and we kissed. I also MAY have started blowing him in the parking lot outside of the truck ... maybe. I blame that action on the fact that he asked for sex and even though I told him my body was bruised and ugly, he shrugged and said he didn't care (Hollywood answer is NOT - I don't care, it's "you're beautiful, what are you talking about" by the way). So we had sex, and of course, an ungodly long session that made me use many of my bruised up parts. And when we were done? He told me to "get back to the dog - and lock the door on your way out."
Talk about feeling more like a hooker than a girlfriend.
On Monday he called to ask what I was making for dinner. I ended up buying Chinese. On Tuesday he was supposed to come over, though due to his lack of interest in my well-being, I drank a bit too much and decided to pass out early (my one and only night of sleep over 2 hours). On Wednesday I brought him lunch. We didn't even talk while we ate. At the end of the time, I stood on his porch and kissed him, praying for his baby blues to search my soul, but to my dismay - nada.
I can't help that I want Hollywood. The guy that would have rushed to the hospital or at the very least, called non-stop until I picked up the phone. The guy that would have sent flowers or at least offered to make me dinner - scratch that, a guy that would bring out an ice pack or hand you some asprin with out asking. I want the guy that would offer to come to ME since I almost died. That would hold me when he saw me. That would whisper he was glad I was okay, or even just hold me so tight that I would know. The guy that would care that I haven't slept in almost a week and offer his shoulder for comfort during a movie.
The only thing is trying to fathom if this is a real guy or if this is Hollywood? I'm not sure anymore ...
Monday, November 05, 2007
You can't tell me God doesn't exist.
It's Saturday morning and I'm dogsitting in Whitefish Bay. It's 8:00 when I get up so I just throw on my jeans to make it to my 8:45 Blood Donation appointment. I take the dog out, promising a walk when I get back, I pat him on the head. I kiss my Bumpkin good-bye and head out into the perfect fall day.
I got to the center and they processed me right away. I was relieved when my iron count came back at 41. I gave my blood, drank my OJ and ate a cookie. Then I left. I got on the express way, starting feeling light headed, went to pull over to the right.
The next thing I know someone is grabbing my face yelling at me and asking me if I'm okay. I panic, my vision is blurred, I try over and over to open the door. The man reaches his hand in through the window and a woman is on the passenger side telling me to breath and asking if I'm okay, I tell her no - I just gave blood. I look at the man, "Did I hit you?"
"No, you didn't hit anyone. But you took out two cement walls."
"What?" I'm crying, shaking, not able to breath.
They tell me not to move. I wait, I have no idea what's going on. Then I look around and notice my windshield is shattered, the airbags have gone off, the steering wheel is in my lap, the seats are up. I answer question after question, people searching for what happened and I'm crying because I don't know. I get out of the car, refusing the long board. I remember walking to the ambulance and thinking, "Okay, it's not that bad."
I got to the hospital and my mom and step dad are there. They're x-raying me, I'm assuring them that it's just a bump on my knee. I'm still light headed. My neck hurts just a bit.
We leave the hospital 4 hours later. I'm fine. We go to the tow yard to survey the damage and get my laptop. I'm with my mom. I see the car and go white.
There's no sides left, the engine is moved up, the tires are flat, the rims broken. The windshield is shattered, the doors don't open. I collapse. I come to. My mom's eyes are welted. I look at her, "I think I should be dead." She just shakes her head and hugs me. "This is proof you're living a good life - it's karma." She handles the issues with the tow truck, I have to run outside because I'm light headed again. We get in the car and make little chit-chat, trying to ignore the issues when I started freaking out.
"Do you want me to pull over?"
"No. Yes. Now."
I get out of the car just in time to throw up the contents of my stomach. I fall to the ground in the fetal position weeping. The cold rail on the side of the road feels good with my head rested on it.
"You need to eat."
Now she's crying. We get back in the car. She calls my friend who comes over to help take care of Trevor. She hugs me, "You need to slow down huney. You really do."
I take a bath. It's warm. My head is light and my vision is blurry. I close my eyes. There's a pound on the door when I realize my head is under the water, I cough and spit out water. It's my sister, she just wanted to know if I was okay. I laid down for a bit. I still don't feel well.
By 8:00pm I'm finally feeling a bit better. My boss picks me up, I'm going to use his sister's truck. The BF and his kid are waiting for me so we can watch Transformers. I walk in and they're cuddled on the couch. I sit on the opposite couch in my ugly NE sweatshirt and fall in and out of consciousness. After the movie he sits by me. "I'm glad you're okay." He falls asleep in my lap.
I got to the center and they processed me right away. I was relieved when my iron count came back at 41. I gave my blood, drank my OJ and ate a cookie. Then I left. I got on the express way, starting feeling light headed, went to pull over to the right.
The next thing I know someone is grabbing my face yelling at me and asking me if I'm okay. I panic, my vision is blurred, I try over and over to open the door. The man reaches his hand in through the window and a woman is on the passenger side telling me to breath and asking if I'm okay, I tell her no - I just gave blood. I look at the man, "Did I hit you?"
"No, you didn't hit anyone. But you took out two cement walls."
"What?" I'm crying, shaking, not able to breath.
They tell me not to move. I wait, I have no idea what's going on. Then I look around and notice my windshield is shattered, the airbags have gone off, the steering wheel is in my lap, the seats are up. I answer question after question, people searching for what happened and I'm crying because I don't know. I get out of the car, refusing the long board. I remember walking to the ambulance and thinking, "Okay, it's not that bad."
I got to the hospital and my mom and step dad are there. They're x-raying me, I'm assuring them that it's just a bump on my knee. I'm still light headed. My neck hurts just a bit.
We leave the hospital 4 hours later. I'm fine. We go to the tow yard to survey the damage and get my laptop. I'm with my mom. I see the car and go white.
There's no sides left, the engine is moved up, the tires are flat, the rims broken. The windshield is shattered, the doors don't open. I collapse. I come to. My mom's eyes are welted. I look at her, "I think I should be dead." She just shakes her head and hugs me. "This is proof you're living a good life - it's karma." She handles the issues with the tow truck, I have to run outside because I'm light headed again. We get in the car and make little chit-chat, trying to ignore the issues when I started freaking out.
"Do you want me to pull over?"
"No. Yes. Now."
I get out of the car just in time to throw up the contents of my stomach. I fall to the ground in the fetal position weeping. The cold rail on the side of the road feels good with my head rested on it.
"You need to eat."
Now she's crying. We get back in the car. She calls my friend who comes over to help take care of Trevor. She hugs me, "You need to slow down huney. You really do."
I take a bath. It's warm. My head is light and my vision is blurry. I close my eyes. There's a pound on the door when I realize my head is under the water, I cough and spit out water. It's my sister, she just wanted to know if I was okay. I laid down for a bit. I still don't feel well.
By 8:00pm I'm finally feeling a bit better. My boss picks me up, I'm going to use his sister's truck. The BF and his kid are waiting for me so we can watch Transformers. I walk in and they're cuddled on the couch. I sit on the opposite couch in my ugly NE sweatshirt and fall in and out of consciousness. After the movie he sits by me. "I'm glad you're okay." He falls asleep in my lap.
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