It's pretty okay.

So it's been an interesting week or so.

Thanksgiving was a ton of fun. My sister and I baked pies at 5 in the morning while drinking wine (to sustain her buzz that she still had from Wednesday). After our first rounds of dinner due to the divorced parents, we were outside talking just the two of us. She looked at me and smiled.

Sister: "You're so happy."

MG: "Yeah, not much to not be thankful for these days."

Sister: "It's not that MG. You're seeing RS, aren't you?"

MG: "What? No."

Sister: "Yes you are. If you're not dating, you're sleeping together."

MG: "Are you serious? What would make you think that?"

Sister: "Because I can tell. You two need to get over the ex, you're supposed to be with each other."

MG: "It's nice to hear, but it isn't going to happen."

To be continued! Work day is over!

late night chat.

So tonight i went out with cocktails with #1 to do the pre-thanksgiving celebratory dance. His friend, also an old roommate from when we were together, was there and it turns out we were left at the bar together.

That's when he informs me that he's surprised I still hang out with #1, and I ask why. Big mistake. "No offense, never thought highly of you. I mean I do now, you're beautiful and accomplished."

Ouch. Dagger to the heart. #1 denies nothing, I tell his friend, "well, we obviously have two sides to a story."

Nervous.

I'm incredibly nervous these days. I love my job, but they've just capped me at sales due to our impending move. Then my boss tells me that I'm in a negotiating position, if they lose me - the business fails. I would never negotiate, but it still makes me nervous. One of our instructors left and with out being able to give people dates for classes or even a for sure head nod that the class can happen, I'm screwed. A nervous wreck. I need to hit my 7% cap to make rent. I was almost a grown up. Crap.

Then there's the whole social life. Wow, I can't imagine the mess I'd be in if I ever actually took off my pants (well, except for RS).

Here's an indepth update ...

CW: F*ck CW. Dumb 36 year old a**. Read yesterday's post for more - won't even bother wasting my time to reiterate. F*cker.

CB: Told me he felt distant. I told him it wasn't a feeling. I put 5 months into something that isn't working, it was time to move on. That didn't go well. Plus I did it on email - I was "that" girl. Guess I had Sunday coming to me due to karma. He told me he'd try harder, I told him my patience had wained. The truth is I'm not even attracted to him anymore (I didn't say that though)

BG: Still friends, really trying not to give an opposite reaction.

RS: Unfortunately I'm getting too attached and struggling hardcore with seperation of sex and feelings. I'm not sure his stance and too afraid to ask. I'd rather have sex then nothing.

JF: Is getting right up there with #1 and our friendship, in fact #1 seems a bit threatened of his position. I love them both, I'm a lucky girl.

I compare them to you.

I spent Saturday in Cedar Rapids visiting a friend. You can’t believe how amazing and strong both her and her daughter are for dealing with something so huge. I left early, had a date with CW at 1:00. At 8:00am, I headed back to Wisconsin.

At 10:30 I finally ended up in Beloit and stopped to get gas. My phone rang. It was CW. I was pumping, so I didn’t answer. He left a voicemail…

“Hey MG, it’s CW. Listen, I can’t see you this afternoon. In fact I can’t see or talk to you again. I don’t have a girlfriend like last time, I don’t know. It’s just hard to explain. Have a great life.”

I listened as I paid. I was angry. I wanted to drink or cry. I couldn’t tell which. The truth is, I don’t cry – so I wanted to drink to cry. Part of me was bent on fate, how could we keep bumping into each other? The universe throwing us in each other’s arms. How could that mean nothing? I called back.

“CW. We are both adults here. It’s been five years. I’m not asking to be your girlfriend, I was asking to be your friend. I missed being around you. But I guess some things never change. You have my number if you ever want to use it.”

I called E. She was busy. I called JF. He listened, “You’re too good.” I know I am. “Are you okay?” Of course I am. “MG, stop being strong. I know you are, you don’t have to be with me.”

I spilled, I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at me for believing I was worth something to someone. For buying into the “I loved you” mania. For holding my breath to have it taken away. I was mad for yearning for something that wasn’t good to begin with. I was mad because that guy, that asshole that left me the voicemail, I compared every guy to him. And no guy matched up. To that. What scum have I been dating?

I went to the game with E’s boyfriend, he was there. I was pissed. We had to see the game there because he’s a Bears fan and it was on digital cable. I hid in the backroom.

I went home and finally took the bath that I promised myself I would. I sat in the bubbles and the bath salts and contemplated why I wasn’t good enough. Keith Urban came on my iTunes, Tonight I Want to Cry.

The night before I talked with RS and he had said he’d be in town until late afternoon. I waited for late afternoon, not knowing when that would be. 7:00 was night, so it must be 5:00? It came and went. 6:00? Came and went.

I paced. I lit candles and laid in my unmade bed and I couldn’t take the built up emotion. I cried. Just a little. Frustrated with myself, it was 7:00. I put on clothes and started to head outside. Still angry, I text messaged RS to see if he was coming.

He drove completely out of his way and showed up. We kissed, forever. I didn’t think of anything but his hands on my neck, back, etc. It felt so good. We didn’t have sex right away like normally. We just sat there with each other, enjoying the teasing and the foreplay. We had slow sex and fast sex and then I laid in his arms for two hours, naked and he talked. I didn’t say anything.

I wanted to say, “What’s going on here.” But I was afraid he’d say it was just sex and I’d be by myself. I was afraid I’d lose him forever. He left just a few minutes ago, I walked him out to his car, his arm was on my back. We kissed for awhile. Dirty little secret exposed to the moon.

I walked back inside. I’m not sure how long I can hold out this charade of hard-ass girl looking for sex.

In many ways I’m angry at CW for being that guy, but as I said goodbye I was actually glad he was. After all, RS is just like him – except kinder. Gentler. Here now. That comparison I was glad for.

Crazy Pre-Weekend Post

This has been the week from hell.

I'm planning this major fundraiser and hoping to GOD people actually start signing up. It's nerve racking!

Broke up with CB, never heard from CW, and kissed JF.

Now I'm off to Iowa!

In 15 Minutes

I'm going to the doctor in 15 minutes to finally figure out what's wrong with my body. Why I can't eat meat anymore, why I can't eat anything for that matter, with out getting sick. Last time I was there, it just didn't make sense. Working out non-stop, eating a vegan diet, getting as sick as I was and putting on weight. Finally the doctor said it was time to address the issues. So today I'm doing blood tests.

The funny thing is that today will be a deciding day. The doctor is the only one I've admitted to that I'm struggling with the thought of anorexia again. The good news is I haven't thought about bulimia, both of which I've suffered in the past. I'm almost afraid that the results will come back that nothing is wrong and then I'll go back to old habits. It's funny that I've been through all the counseling and I see the warning signs, but just can't help to think that I'll just skip breakfast and run that extra mile, or I'll just have a glass of water for lunch. I'm trying so hard to be healthy, but it's so hard to see myself in old pictures and not want to return that way.

10:00 on Sunday and the clock is still ticking.

I moved a lot this morning, nearly all of my belongings pegged between two rooms, scattered on the ground or in plastic containers. I needed something to keep me busy while I waited for the game to attend. The game did end, and I didn’t get a call. Around 6:00 a co-worker called, he needed some items for Monday. To pass time I offered to do them for him and I went into work.

At 7:00 I flipped the phone between my fingers. I called. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did, Hey it’s 7:00 – wanted to see if you still wanted to go out. Call me.

Then I went to #1s with McDonald’s in my hand and patiently waited for a phone call. I laid in bed with #1 and he played with my hair. I talked about yesterday and how much fun it was to be with RS. He laughed and said the line that I always give him about his FB, “You’re going to get married and have babies and live happily ever after.” I sighed. He asked why. Because that would be great if we did.

As we talked I asked if I could tell him something. What? I got stood up. With CB? Oh geez, no (I’m from Wisconsin, we say oh geez). From CW.

He rolled his eyes at me. He told me he was glad because the old MG from 5 years ago would take it with a grain of salt but that person is gone and now he has no chance. It’s better this way he says.

And the truth is he’s right. Part of me wanted to call a few minutes ago and leave a voicemail saying that we’re even. But the truth is, we aren’t.

In all the lovey-doveyness and, by all means the second round was my fault, me getting freaked out way under plays the topic of him having a finacee the first round and not tell me. Or the girl calling me a dirty whore. Or the phone call he followed up with telling me to leave him alone. No, he still should be on the shit list and this has just compiled it.

If he calls tomorrow, I’m going to explain that I’m not 21 anymore. I don’t play these games. And then I’m going to tell him it was great seeing him and I wish him the best.

So God helps us make decisions through actions. I won’t regret leaving him anymore or look at construction sites to see if he’s there. I won’t wonder if he thinks about me. No. I now know that the me I am now is better than him and he’s still his old self.

Now to just let down CB. We went out on Friday and still nothing. This time I didn’t even pretend. I don’t have the energy to fake a relationship. He kept asking if he was taking too much time – and now I have to tell him that he did. I think he’s sweet and cute and great to be around, but I think he’s that person romantically for someone else. I thought I was clear on what I needed and he couldn’t give it to me. Next time, don’t take so long.

It’s that time of year. The time of year where relationships are out there to be had, but none are in my lap.

Decisions to make.

I saw RS this morning. He offered to come down last night, but it was snowing and my house still lacks anything besides a bed, so I said no.

I’m not sure why he makes me smile like he does. At some point in the near future I will have to have the “grown up” conversation, Is this just sex? Though I shamelessly hold out to see what might happen with CW.

What a weird sense of fate. The two people that I’ve wanted to be with in the past few years I have an opportunity to “be with” in one sense or another.

CW is actually the one who set the standard for RS. Both are manly, yet shy. Balding, tattooed. It’s been so long since I’ve been with CW that I actually can’t remember what it’s like to feel him next to me, or inside me, or just have a relationship with. I think it was good, why would I hold out feelings this long if it wasn’t? RS though, RS and I just share something. He can fuck me bloody, then lay and trace the phoenix on my back and talk about servers and I am completely content. And it’s been over 3 months of sex.

3 months. Wow. That’s awhile for an FB establishment I must admit. I wonder how someone can go that long and not have an inclining of any feelings? Granted, I push mine away so I can have this relationship, is he doing the same?

Tomorrow CW and I are going out. I’m wondering what that will be like? Like old friends? Old lovers? He’s been the reason for so many things in my life, can we just catch up and pretend there wasn’t 5 years of silence? And what if he just uses me? Will I be able to recover with out copiously trying to find a replacement? I often wonder what I will say tomorrow? So what’s new? I’m happy now, I haven’t been for a very long time and now the pieces fall into place. The last two years I’ve realized I don’t need a man to make my life function, but have also taught me that I want one.

I got a new job, I’ll say. I love it. I graduated from college. I have to degrees, I’ll brag. I’m doing well for myself, not well enough that I can spend money left and right, but well enough to live happily off what I make. My cat is great. My family is wonderful, but stressed because I never see them. My grandma wonders why I haven’t settled because my cousin is married and now pregnant. I tell them I’m just waiting.

It’s been 5 years, he’ll say. And I’ll say that I know, it’s been too long. And then we won’t talk. We’ll look at each other and I’ll want to take him home, sleep in his muscular arms. And think if I’m making the right choice.

I’m not psychic, but then I’ll go back to Madison to be with RS and I’ll lay in his arms and look for the comfort, feel out the future. And then I might have to have the grown up conversation.

With him I’ll ask, is this just sex. And he won’t know what to say. Because I know him, and I know part of him likes being with me, and the sane part knows that he shouldn’t. He’ll ask why, now? And I’ll say that I love being around him, but I want to make sure we’re both healthy in our decisions. If we are FB’s we have to establish that, and I miss being with someone in public. And he’ll say he can’t. And then we won’t talk. And a part of my heart will shatter as I wonder if I just cast something great back into the lake.

Then I’ll remember that something great isn’t an FB. But part of me will want to take it all back, because those once a week ventures are thrilling. To be with someone in that fashion that you’ve wanted to be with so long. I’ll miss how he kisses, how he touches, how he smells. How he traces the phoenix. And if things happen with CW, I’ll go back and see if that touching makes me as happy.

And either decision I make, or what happens, I’ll always wonder if it was the right one. And I’ll never know for sure, because that’s the nature of decisions.

To Each His Own

I full heartedly admit that any innocent bystander of my night tonight would assume I was drunk or stoned.

After family pictures, I headed out to #1’s to drop off a piece of artwork he bought – that was at 7:00, it’s nearly 9:15 and I just got home. I laid on his couch and he laid on the floor and we had our normal banter of cracking each other up amongst serious conversation.

I tell #1 everything, that includes that he knows the background with CW (short side note – I was with CW before the first go around with #1 and admitted I needed to get tested because we had had unprotected sex and I found out later he had been with over 100 girls), so I admitted to the Champps incident and told him that I really hoped he called. #1 hates this guy, not only for the above reason but because he knows that I really liked him when we were seeing each other and he (#1) had to deal with the pieces of a shattered ego from it. He cautioned me that I had to do what I had to do – but that he wasn’t a backer.

Doesn’t matter much because CW didn’t return my call from his original call anyway.

I digress, we discussed our current love situations and how the multiple people in our lives constitute one great person – just they aren’t together. BG is attentive, CB is sweet, RS is a great fuck and #1 is the perfect companion. He has a 20 year old love interest that is hot, hot, hot. The age difference kills it for him and he has said if they ever got together they would just (and this is a legitimate quote) “Have monkey sex for 3 months and be done with it.” One of my committee members is also an interest for him because she’s adorable, he said she’s the kind of girl you just want to cuddle with all weekend long, and then there’s me that he can just lay and shoot the shit with. The combined packages are phenomenal people – we just have to find them. Interesting, no?

As for the move – I’m still in boxes and 1/2 my stuff is still at my dad’s. I brought the bumpkin over last night to get associated with the place, he cried all night. Finally about 5am he settled under my covers, something he hasn’t done since Moo left, hugged tight to my leg. He stayed there until I showered and promptly returned when he saw me packing my bag. I came home around 4:45 (LOVE THIS COMMUTE!) and he was still there, I’m not sure he left all day. He’s also a horse and hasn’t touched his food.

He’s not your typical cat, even my dad thinks he’s more of a dog. He comes when called, plays fetch and even walks on a harness (not well – but he does it). He doesn’t ever cry, so when he is vocal I know he’s perturbed. This is a huge adjustment for him, he always had Moo and when she was gone there was always someone in the house – either my sister with her kids from her daycare next door or my dad or me. Now it’s just me and I’m not home that much. I feel like a bad cat mom L.

Other than that, I did put my bed together but I realized my internet connection isn’t the best – looks like I’ll have to cough up that $60 some a month – yikes. At least my gym membership is done after this month.

I still have no TV, so there’s not much to do these nights except sleep. Hopefully when the alarm goes off tomorrow morning I’ll actually get out of bed and run like I’m supposed to.

In a quick boy update news:

CW: Didn’t return my call.
#1 and I hung out tonight
BG and I have been chatting over email – but nothing major
CB tried to hang out all weekend but I blew him off for the move
RS and I slept together Friday, I tried to do it again on Sunday but he never returned my text.

To each his own.

The Ex-Factor

I’m not sure why I do this, but I make little propositions to myself to help me make “educated” decisions. For instance, “If Construction Worker (see this post: ) is at the bar for the game I’ll give up on CB.” I do it to justify not giving up on CB; however, sometimes my little propositions go south.

E & her man were running late, so I scrapped plans to head west to the Brookfield Champps. When they called 1/2 hour before the game I propositioned Greenfield Champps instead since I could make it there for a seat with in 10 minutes. “Sure” E said, “We’ll see you in 30 minutes.”

That’s when I made the above proposition, just for shits and giggles because I obviously haven’t seen CW in years. I walked into the bar, looked directly to the end to survey just in case they were there, and boom. Yellow hat, tanned skin.

Of course E ends up being an hour late and I’m tapping my foot at the bar. I forgot my phone – there’s no solace. He’ll talk to me, I want talk to him. I toyed with my fake engagement ring and pounded Bud Lights. They finally showed.

“You sit here. I’ve gotta pee, you come with me.” I grabbed E and headed to the bathroom, “Remember that guy that I say I drive slow past construction sites for?” She looked at me like a deer in headlights, “He’s here?” “He’s here.”

For a moment we toyed with the idea of me talking to him but I said no, did two shots and watched the rest of the game. As fate would have it, I walked to the bathroom as he walked out. We actually bumped into each other.

“MG? Oh my god, I was just thinking about you last week.”

“CW, yeah. It’s me. You look, you look really good.”

“MG, seriously – I can’t believe it’s you. You were the f*cking love of my life and you dogged me so bad.”

“I know. But, yeah – I’ve thought about you a lot. You’re my epitome.”

We chatted about life. “Are you single?” I asked. “Yes.”

“We should go out.” I said, he replied, “tomorrow. Let’s go out tomorrow.”

Because I was drinking I stopped and said no. I didn’t want to go out if there wasn’t a connection, so I kissed him. Connection.

A bit of honesty

I might delete this post, as I'm sure I'll try to convince myself I am wrong.

I slept with RS last night. It was great - we talked a lot. He threw in a little jests about ex-girlfriends, etc and it weirded me out. I wasn't really sure what I thought until this morning.

And I've alluded to this fact a couple of times, but I'm completely in love with RS. I have been for 4 years. I've seperated myself enough that I'm not the psycho girl that's pawing at him for a relationship, but if I'm honest with myself I know that I want to be with him.

And CB is a lot like RS was when we met, and I think that's why I'm dealing with all these crappy situations because I want CB to be RS.

The fact is that CB is not RS and RS and I will never be. This sucks.

I want to be in Iowa right now! :(

Exit Stage Right.

Out of the friends that I have that have met CB, there was one still hanging on - JF. Last night JF, my friend M, CB and I went out for a drink at one of the local bars by my house (my new house, that I move into THIS weekend! Eeeee! Exciting!) and enjoyed a couple adult beverages.

When it came down to conversation, CB didn't participate. In fact, he didn't seem comfortable at all. I cozied up, he stayed straight in his chair with his arms crossed. This morning I found out the last remaining bandwagoner has fallen off.

I got this tidbit of advice ...

I think you should probably move on. I hope you don't mind my two cents here, but you two are on opposite sides of the universe when it comes to what you want, physically, in a relationship. As we've discussed at length, that is very important. Again, there's really nothing wrong with being the way he is, it's just not what you want. I'm sure he is perfect for someone out there, hell many girls out there, but certainly not you. It does suck, because he is a really nice guy and he isn't shitty to you, but I think you would be consistently frustrated with him if this continues and, really, is that worth it?

I've stayed out of the Pro-CB spotlight and JF's right, it's not worth it. Because he doesn't make me feel wanted, I seek it in other places. Now I realize I'm justifying seemingly cheating ways on fabrication; however, let me reiterate that we actually aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, haven't done more than kiss, so I have definitely NOT cheated. And back to what I was saying, I obviously won't be faithful in a relationship if I don't get that, so it's better to cut ties now.

In the past I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" people and making a relationship last, and I've hung on because I put that time in and don't want to see my "project" fail - but it's time for a new leaf. He's guarded his heart too long and the horse is sick of chasing the carrot.

i've opted to go to Madison to get man-handled after work, straight up F*cked. I'm wearing my pink fuck me boots and my jacket - that's it. I have his college's sweatshirt to put on afterwards for round two. I'm so incredibly excited to feel his body on mine, feel his hands on my neck, feel him inside. Wow, 2:00 can't come fast enough - or cum, I guess I should say.

In moving news, this is it! This is the weekend! I've slowly been moving things over every day. This morning was the last long ride to work. I plan on going to Madison, fucking, coming home, packing and Saturday unpacking at the new place. I bought a beautiful, huge, work of art on gallery night that's starch black and white of a girl smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee to go above my couch - if I had a couch ...