At your age you're a player?

In a conversation with my youngest brother about my current relationships - he commented, "So ... at your age you're a player?" My reply, "Yeah, at MY AGE, I can still be a player." But then I was thinking maybe at my age I SHOULDN'T be a player.

Recently, I've bumped into several girls I went to high school with. It's been six years since we've spent class time together and being that my status those days was nerd, dork, geek and bitch - we were not really that close. The conversations tend to go a little like:

Them: "Hey - didn't we go to school? You're..."

Me: "Yup, we did. Yup, I am."

Them: "What have you been up to? Did you get married?"

Me: "Nope. School, work. That's about it - you?"

Them: "Oh, well I married so-and-so, I have two plus kids, the golden retriever, we just bought our first white picket fence. Tonight I'm out w/some girls from high school ..."

Me: "Wow. That's great" Inside thought - congrats, you've accomplished your MRS degree you always wanted to, I'm glad to know that you're life is everything your mom & dad hoped it would be ...

Them: "So how many kids do you have?"

Me: "Huh? None. Nope, not single one kid with my blood in its veins."

Them: (Look of disappointment, shame?) "Wow. Well ... you look good."

Me: "Umm, thanks. I have two cats - does that make you feel less ashamed of my lack of sex life. I'm getting back to my beer." Okay, that's an inside thought - I usually respond with "You too. Well, it was really great seeing you again, but I'm going to get back to my beer and watching old re-run games of baseball on ESPN classic. Great to see you ..."

So that really gets you thinking about how you've utterly wasted 25 years of your life. Hey - I'm not complaining I'm not really the mom type or the wife type at this point in my life. I live in my dad's basement for christ sake and my cats are already deprived of attention. I can't really supply a life for myself not to mention the 2.5 kids and the golden retriever and in all honesty, I haven't touched a plant since horticulture in college.

Those experiences, plus my little brother's comment get to you though. I recently found a piece of paper that had my ten year plan on it - wow, I've accomplished a whole one thing on it. When I was 18, my goals were the following:

Graduate from college.
Get married, get pregnant.
Have a fulfilling career.
Travel the world.
Make a difference.
Be rich.

Now if the list looked like the actual last seven years of my life it would perhaps say:

Call off a wedding.
Be a groupie for a local band.
Graduate college.
Be in a handful of meaningless relationships, including not getting laid in over a year.
Have a job.
Gain 40 pounds, loose 50, gain 60, loose 30.

Now that's a list I can check all of the items off on!

Sidetracked on the topic here a bit - sorry. Anyhow, in recent weeks the status of the boys-by-numbers has changed quite a bit and I'm a little less at player status.

#3 has pretty much left the picture - although can't same my drunk IMing wasn't trying to convince him to stay. I've realized that my past makes a future impossible - but I still get these flashbacks of the night and could kick myself for not indulging in a sexual fantasy or two with him ... I, by no means, regret having been with him - but if it was or is meant to be it will be.

#4 and I actually went out the other night and despite being the opposite of my attraction (as in HOT, HOT, HOT) - he turned out to be a real good time. Although the kissing wasn't spectacular and there was way too much drinking on my part - he's definitely someone I wouldn't mind seeing again. Our night started with too much drinking and ended at his place. I can't say I remember too much of the in between, but I woke up with no shirt on (but pants - which makes the rest of this a tad bit confusing) and he woke up naked. We had mutual headaches. He said he was glad we didn't have sex - news to me. I'd hope to remember it since it's been so long, but at least it eased my thoughts of what had happened! He gave me a back rub - walked me to the door and I wondered where the hell my bra was ...

After my rendevous with #4, I decided I perhaps wanted to sleep with him and maybe only him which meant 100% confronting my dear #1 about the possibility of him NOT sleeping with me again, but perhaps maintaining the friendship that I so desired. See, for me, it is some how easier to be friends with a guy that has at least put some part of his body into my mouth ... Anyhow, last night went pretty decent. We hadn't seen eachother in a bit of time and he knew about my chance meeting with #4 who he amptly nicknamed a popular teeny-bopper icon. We decided to catch up in scrubby clothes at his place over a rented movie. We went to the local video store and he asked about if I had spoken to #4 to which I replied - yes, we had gone out and had a great time. So despite my reservations of him being too hot for me, I had woke up sans a shirt and promptly walked to my car with a headache. He got the picture. We cuddled on the couch but no part of his body ended up in mine and I left at 2:00AM.

So player? Maybe not. Ready to settle down - I guess we will have to see. #4 has just called and invited me out at 8:00. Okay, why do I like older guys? They are in bed by 10 which suits my lifestyle. Why am I trying to get with a younger guy - shit, in honesty just to get some.

In the meantime, it's only 5:18 and I might indulge in a beer after I figure out the trendy outfit that would be perfect to suit my now younger suitor ... and I'll update later.

Hauntings.

In honor of Halloween yesterday, this article's going to be slightly less amusing and more so of how things in the past can haunt you for the rest of your life.

I'm almost positive all of us would go back and rewind the clock to take back something we did or said. For me, it's several times.

I have come to the understanding that what happened in my past will forever haunt my future. The first guy I was with, I was also engaged to. For the rest of my life, "I got engaged!" will be followed by "Again?" There won't be that anticipation of what the perfect ring would look like, because I already owned it. Also, this relationship has made me critical of myself and resistant to the "good guy."

I really believe that my past relationships have completely made me reluctant to the nice guy routine. At one point I was dating a semi-decent guy that actually took an interest in me and listened. At one point I had mentioned my favorite flowers were lilies and days later, that my favorite color was pink. He custom ordered lillies in pink and would bring them to my house for our dates. This red flagged me as bad behavior - when it should have been, "This is the way it should be."

Then of course, there is the whole story with #3, who is now untouchable because of my past decision to date his friend.

All the past hauntings are not necessarily bad (at least not while I'm single). Occassionally I'll be in the shower and the water will hit the small of my back or my neck, just so much so to flash me back to a passionate night. This haunting has helped make for many nights of fulfilling my own guilty pleasures and I will blame my latest two broken vibrators specifically to those events.

No matter how many times we try to convince ourselves that the past doesn't really matter - it will always be a factor in the haunting of our futures - for good or bad.