Well, moved into the new place with the BF. The first nights have been great - the stuff out of his mouth really makes me realize that this was a good decision --- but then there's the opposite. For instance, I've gotten a lack of sleep over the last few nights and we were out with friends - he wanted to go out afterwards, we drove in one car. And I'm tired. Exhausted.
So I suggested he went out w/o me - leading to the sweet comment "it won't be fun without you" I said I'd go out for an hour, but he knew how tired I was and said I could just go home - then decided to go out. Upon getting home he decided not to go out so I'm completely torn - it was a good answer but now I feel like I might get the flack from stopping him to go out.
Just one of many tails I'm sure I'll encounter on this venture.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Friday, June 06, 2008
This is a BLOG.
Okay, let me explain. This is not fiction, this is my life. This is my diary, except under the scrutiny of other people's eyes.
Why was I oh-so-great about my BF and then changed my mind? (A) There's a lot of space between posts and (B) because it's how I feel on any given day. Trust me, I can love him and hate him one hour apart.
And my last post was more about nerves than anything else, which I thought I kept mentioning but apparently not. My BF is great, but just like any person on the verge of the next big step, you wonder if it is the right choice.
As for my timeline, I apologize. I don't know what to say - there's not really any fantasy on this thing. It's mostly because I used to post every day, but lacking internet I try to catch people up on things and the information might get garbled.
Why did some of my posts disappear? Inside information. I tend to write on emotion before thinking things through and unfortunately there's a hand full of people who know about this blog that I wish didn't - like my ex-employer. There's just information that I don't need them to know in hindsight, especially with shared acquaintances that fill me in on what she has said about me now that I've left. So that's the straight up facts. And I'm sorry if it irks you, but this is my space to write how I feel.
If you're wondering where this is coming from - it's the rather rude Anonymous comment that I received this morning on the previous post. I do think I might know who it is that wrote it, which again makes me very happy that I've deleted things ...
Now on to other things. I switched jobs about a week ago, I'm doing PR now for a very large company. It's a temp gig but I was over the weird hours of the last job. Now I'm a 7-4:30 girl with plenty of time for me, which makes me a happy camper.
The sex thing is in check - I mean three times in one day in check. I think we'll be okay, he has a completely different libido than me but it's calming to know that he's not just interested in the "inside of me" he's interested in the inside of me. Although 2 more times a week would be okay with me.
This weather is driving me batty, one day it's 60 the next it's 80. It was 84 WITH storms today. Ick :(
I'm getting more comfortable with the move. It's still scary, thinking that for the first time in 6 years I'll be living with someone instead of on my own, first time in 8 years I'll be sleeping with someone in my bed every night. But I can do it.
Why was I oh-so-great about my BF and then changed my mind? (A) There's a lot of space between posts and (B) because it's how I feel on any given day. Trust me, I can love him and hate him one hour apart.
And my last post was more about nerves than anything else, which I thought I kept mentioning but apparently not. My BF is great, but just like any person on the verge of the next big step, you wonder if it is the right choice.
As for my timeline, I apologize. I don't know what to say - there's not really any fantasy on this thing. It's mostly because I used to post every day, but lacking internet I try to catch people up on things and the information might get garbled.
Why did some of my posts disappear? Inside information. I tend to write on emotion before thinking things through and unfortunately there's a hand full of people who know about this blog that I wish didn't - like my ex-employer. There's just information that I don't need them to know in hindsight, especially with shared acquaintances that fill me in on what she has said about me now that I've left. So that's the straight up facts. And I'm sorry if it irks you, but this is my space to write how I feel.
If you're wondering where this is coming from - it's the rather rude Anonymous comment that I received this morning on the previous post. I do think I might know who it is that wrote it, which again makes me very happy that I've deleted things ...
Now on to other things. I switched jobs about a week ago, I'm doing PR now for a very large company. It's a temp gig but I was over the weird hours of the last job. Now I'm a 7-4:30 girl with plenty of time for me, which makes me a happy camper.
The sex thing is in check - I mean three times in one day in check. I think we'll be okay, he has a completely different libido than me but it's calming to know that he's not just interested in the "inside of me" he's interested in the inside of me. Although 2 more times a week would be okay with me.
This weather is driving me batty, one day it's 60 the next it's 80. It was 84 WITH storms today. Ick :(
I'm getting more comfortable with the move. It's still scary, thinking that for the first time in 6 years I'll be living with someone instead of on my own, first time in 8 years I'll be sleeping with someone in my bed every night. But I can do it.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Things to consider.
I'm still kind of freaking about the moving ... here's the thing, at our new house the BF has claimed the basement as his man zone, his son's room is the full upstairs, everything else is shared territory. This being said, all things that I own and care for will then become "ours" - including my baby. He won't just be my cat anymore, he'll be our cat.
And there's the whole sex thing. I'm lucky if we have sex once a week and it's ordinary sex, I swear he hasn't even seen my tits in 3 or 4 months. This really isn't the kind of sex I prefer or the amount ... I keep thinking, "We're not even living together yet ..."
Some people are telling me that it's just nerves, other people are saying that if I'm having second thoughts to not do it ... you gotta love contradictory advice.
I love my BF, I really do, with all my heart. I can see us having babies and living together BUT I sometimes wonder if that isn't returned. His world has always been him and only him ... for instance, if I had to have serious surgery on a Tuesday night - would he give up poker? Nope. If we were on the phone at night and the line suddenly went dead, what would he do? Probably roll over and go back to sleep. Unfortunately those are real answers...
I mean there are the sweet things, he's paying for more things now that I'm in a money situation, he made dinner the other night just out of the blue ... but in truth do I want to be with him more than he wants to be with me?
There has been only one time in my life where I was wanted more than I was wanting - I was 22 and in the best shape of my life - but I was also on hiatus from any kind of relationship and from sex. I'm pondering how I can get that feeling back - but let's face it, that was some 5 years ago now and I don't have the lifestyle to even equip myself to getting back into my old shape - although I've been considering it.
You see, at 22 I worked 2nd shift. I would get up, work out for 4-5 hours, go to work, maybe eat a little salad, go out and drink, get trashed, wake up and repeat. Even if I could fit in that kind of workout again - it's not feasible to than go out and get trashed, because I start work at 7:30.
There's certain things that constitutes feelings of being wanted for me. This includes spontaneity, sexual desire, respect and romance. As long as one or two things are in play - I'm pretty happy. When no things are in play, I'm not.
Spontaneity is that whole, "I'm coming to get you and we're doing this ..." or coming home and there's dinner ready, or the whole pack-your-things-we'll-be-in-Italy-by-6:00 (the last has never happened).
Sexual desire is just what it says, wanting to have sex with the other person. For me it should be around 4-5 times a week at the bottom end. And it's not just the quickie kind of sex, it's the man-handling kind where clothes are all over the place and you can't even make it up the stairs. It's the kissing and the grabbing. It's not the kind of sex you expect every day, be once a month is always enough to make a girl feel wanted.
Than there's respect - like saying you'll do something and doing it or even just calling to say that it can't happen. For instance, you wouldn't leave someone at a bar without saying you're leaving and if you're out getting trashed with out the other person, a courtesy text or call to let them know that you got home safe. There's also the, "Okay I f*cked up" thing which can be settled the next morning (like a response to a bunch of texts from the night before that you never responded too).
And then there's romance. Of course there's those huge gestures of flowers and gifts, but then there's also the little things... for instance, there was this older couple walking down the street holding hands that just made my heart swoon and made me think - is that going to be me in 50 years? There's the sweet things like saying someone looks good, smells good, etc. There's picking up the tab or doing something that maybe you really don't want to do in exchange for something they do. There's the fact that you're maybe moving because you want to and not because you have to.
And there's the whole sex thing. I'm lucky if we have sex once a week and it's ordinary sex, I swear he hasn't even seen my tits in 3 or 4 months. This really isn't the kind of sex I prefer or the amount ... I keep thinking, "We're not even living together yet ..."
Some people are telling me that it's just nerves, other people are saying that if I'm having second thoughts to not do it ... you gotta love contradictory advice.
I love my BF, I really do, with all my heart. I can see us having babies and living together BUT I sometimes wonder if that isn't returned. His world has always been him and only him ... for instance, if I had to have serious surgery on a Tuesday night - would he give up poker? Nope. If we were on the phone at night and the line suddenly went dead, what would he do? Probably roll over and go back to sleep. Unfortunately those are real answers...
I mean there are the sweet things, he's paying for more things now that I'm in a money situation, he made dinner the other night just out of the blue ... but in truth do I want to be with him more than he wants to be with me?
There has been only one time in my life where I was wanted more than I was wanting - I was 22 and in the best shape of my life - but I was also on hiatus from any kind of relationship and from sex. I'm pondering how I can get that feeling back - but let's face it, that was some 5 years ago now and I don't have the lifestyle to even equip myself to getting back into my old shape - although I've been considering it.
You see, at 22 I worked 2nd shift. I would get up, work out for 4-5 hours, go to work, maybe eat a little salad, go out and drink, get trashed, wake up and repeat. Even if I could fit in that kind of workout again - it's not feasible to than go out and get trashed, because I start work at 7:30.
There's certain things that constitutes feelings of being wanted for me. This includes spontaneity, sexual desire, respect and romance. As long as one or two things are in play - I'm pretty happy. When no things are in play, I'm not.
Spontaneity is that whole, "I'm coming to get you and we're doing this ..." or coming home and there's dinner ready, or the whole pack-your-things-we'll-be-in-Italy-by-6:00 (the last has never happened).
Sexual desire is just what it says, wanting to have sex with the other person. For me it should be around 4-5 times a week at the bottom end. And it's not just the quickie kind of sex, it's the man-handling kind where clothes are all over the place and you can't even make it up the stairs. It's the kissing and the grabbing. It's not the kind of sex you expect every day, be once a month is always enough to make a girl feel wanted.
Than there's respect - like saying you'll do something and doing it or even just calling to say that it can't happen. For instance, you wouldn't leave someone at a bar without saying you're leaving and if you're out getting trashed with out the other person, a courtesy text or call to let them know that you got home safe. There's also the, "Okay I f*cked up" thing which can be settled the next morning (like a response to a bunch of texts from the night before that you never responded too).
And then there's romance. Of course there's those huge gestures of flowers and gifts, but then there's also the little things... for instance, there was this older couple walking down the street holding hands that just made my heart swoon and made me think - is that going to be me in 50 years? There's the sweet things like saying someone looks good, smells good, etc. There's picking up the tab or doing something that maybe you really don't want to do in exchange for something they do. There's the fact that you're maybe moving because you want to and not because you have to.
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