Guy's Girl.

I was on the phone with Flower Guy last night after a long day at work in our Madison office. We talked about his work, my day, his friends, his travels, my travels and my friends.

"You seem to have a lot of male friends." he said, "You seem like you're a guys girl, the sports, the humor, everything."

"Yup. Just prefer them I guess, I have female friends too - just not as many close ones." I quipped back.

"So I want to ask you a question, but I'm not sure I want to know the answer or that you want to give me the answer."

"Shoot, I'm an open book."

"How many of them have you been with?"

That's a variation question, it's a lead into the inevitable - how many people have you been with question, but this one even has a bit more sting. Do I tell the truth? If I do, how do I justify it?

And then it dawns on me, the truth is the best response. If he would ever meet them I wouldn't want our huggy natures to be confused with potential cheating, so I answered honestly.

"#1 is my best friend, he's also my ex."

"JF is one of my closest friends, we've made out on occasion"

"Passive aggressive is a great friend, we've made out, but nothing more."

"Admin works with me and I offer to make out with him, he just turns me down."

Silence. Here's where I wonder if I mention RS and I justify that we aren't actually friends, so he doesn't count. Plus he's never been brought up in a conversation.

Still silence, which means I ramble on and on trying to justify it. "I'm one of those people that believes in connections, so whether or not we've ever done anything isn't an issue, it's did we connect - if we did, then they stay. If we didn't - then they go." More rambling, "I mean, I'm not a whore or anything." More silence. "Can you throw me a bone here? I'm rambling and the silence is killing me."

"I'm just listening, it's interesting." He says.

Then we switched subjects, thank god, and went back to Saturday plans.

Truth in Lyrics for December

Eerily like RS:

And I don't wanna see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given
And oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin'
There's nothin' left for you to break
Baby, please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces

Someone let you down again
So you turn to me,
Your convenient friend
Oh, but I know what you're doin'
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor

That Girl.

Last night JF, BG, N and I went out for a beverage of adult content. I knew that CB was going to be brought up. We haven't spoken since my ill-fated email that explained I didn't want to be a secret.

BG left and I turned to N, "JF knows everything - so you can say whatever you want." "What happened? He's heart broken."

JF had my back, explaining that he was a huge backer of CB for the entire time and that my actions were warranted. But she still pailed home that I was "That Girl."

"That Girl" is the girl in conversations when you're talking to a friend and say, "Oh, that girl." She's done something to warrant her being an object and not a real person. "That Girl" can be used in different contexts, for instance...

Scenario 1:
"I had crazy sex last night" - "with who?" - "that girl." Usually with some kind of head shaking and crazy eye expression that makes you feel like you should give a high five. I'm "That Girl" in the RS situation.

Scenario 2:
"She broke up with me over email." - "THAT GIRL did?" - In the sense of, "who does she think she is?"

Scenario 3:
Or in the past sense, "So I saw her last night." - "Who?" - "That Girl." as in, "she broke my heart."

So I'm that girl in all situations. It's not the first situation that I'm ashamed of, it's the last two. I feel like crap. I mean I've been dating for 12 years now and I haven't broken any hearts and only one person might talk ill of me, and he sued me so he has no right to. I knew once the "V" word was said that I was walking on glass and had to take things in the right way or end up launching a piece about 5 inches right into his heart - which I guess I did.

While talking to N I mentioned my affair with RS and how I actually feel happy, but I must admit that the situation with CB has taken me aback a bit. I feel like I don't deserve to want to be happy.

I guess "Shit, I was almost happy" applies again.

Almost Happy Again

I was doing my normal Monday scrolling, checking on all my favorite bloggers to see what was going on and I made my normal 11:00 stop at postsecret and saw this postcard above (link to it on the side). It was funny how it hit me.

"Shit, I was almost happy again." How many times do we sabatoge what's going on in our lives because we fear that we might be happy again? I do it constantly.

I was reading Darth's blog and in one post he discusses his Uncle & a woman he is dealing with - both situations are drastic, and all I could think is that they'd prefer the sympathy of others than to fix their ideal situations and then I wondered if that was me.

BG and I were at the bar the other night, grabbing a beer and celebrating the fact of his band being mentioned on-air. A couple got tossed back when he informed me that he knows we'll never be together because he's not my type - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be. He told me he's accepted his position of being my friend and will forever be my protector. It made my heart drop - how many girls would envy the position of a good looking guy saying that to them? I asked myself if I was potentially giving up happiness for something that could never be.

Of course, you know that means that I went to Madison the next day seeking solidarity and clarification. I actually didn't do it intentionally, I was walking my landlord's dog and when we arrived home I got a text message, "Should I be expecting company tonight?"

I was confused and not technically in the mood so I wrote back, "From me?" and dipped my toes into the warm bubble bath to heat up my cold skin from the walk. A little banter and 20 minutes later I drug my bubble soaked butt out of the tub and plugged in the curling iron. He'd be gone for a week, I could justify my second romp of the week, plus I left upset last time because I couldn't service him properly.

The night went on as normal. I couldn't get his doorbell to ring, he opened the door and I entered. He tried to kiss me, I told him to sit on the couch. I performed a little strip tease and we got down to business. He came, I didn't. He was out of commish, but held me close. It was 10:00 when I told him I wanted to leave before the blizzard, it was 2:00 when I actually did. This time seemed different, we chatted about his favorite band coming into town on tour, we talked about his week of vacation in Michigan. I asked who he was going with, and then he answered, "the guys."

With out thinking I asked, "the guys?" and then it dawned on me - The Guys. The guys from the band, including my ex. Without hesitation he confirmed and we chatted briefly about each individual person and their status - including a brief synopsis of the ex (with out my prompting). I felt that the conversation was about "the guys" and not the usual conversation dealing with "my ex." I wondered as I laid on his chest if he finally made a disassociation and if he was getting to a point where he could see me as a genuine person in his life. "You don't have to go if you don't want" he said as I put on my boots, "Do you want me to stay?" "No" he said as he hugged me and kissed me. I saw him waiting by his window as I pulled away.

I called #1 the next day, and told him I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I've crossed the line, I've screwed up. I was the girl that wanted sex with out strings, and I didn't stop when my emotions started getting in the way. #1 told me that I knew what I had to do, but asked me if it was what I wanted to do. I told him no, but I couldn't go through what he put me through years back. #1 asked me if I was stopping myself from being happy or if I've justified him as the reason to be happy. I told him that I can't help but think that he's the right guy. #1 reminded me that past mistakes aren't usually forgiving in the future and told me "You know what you want to do and you know what you have to do. Now you have to decide."

And with that being said I think to myself, "Shit, I was almost happy again."

Decisions to make.

I saw RS this morning. He offered to come down last night, but it was snowing and my house still lacks anything besides a bed, so I said no.

I’m not sure why he makes me smile like he does. At some point in the near future I will have to have the “grown up” conversation, Is this just sex? Though I shamelessly hold out to see what might happen with CW.

What a weird sense of fate. The two people that I’ve wanted to be with in the past few years I have an opportunity to “be with” in one sense or another.

CW is actually the one who set the standard for RS. Both are manly, yet shy. Balding, tattooed. It’s been so long since I’ve been with CW that I actually can’t remember what it’s like to feel him next to me, or inside me, or just have a relationship with. I think it was good, why would I hold out feelings this long if it wasn’t? RS though, RS and I just share something. He can fuck me bloody, then lay and trace the phoenix on my back and talk about servers and I am completely content. And it’s been over 3 months of sex.

3 months. Wow. That’s awhile for an FB establishment I must admit. I wonder how someone can go that long and not have an inclining of any feelings? Granted, I push mine away so I can have this relationship, is he doing the same?

Tomorrow CW and I are going out. I’m wondering what that will be like? Like old friends? Old lovers? He’s been the reason for so many things in my life, can we just catch up and pretend there wasn’t 5 years of silence? And what if he just uses me? Will I be able to recover with out copiously trying to find a replacement? I often wonder what I will say tomorrow? So what’s new? I’m happy now, I haven’t been for a very long time and now the pieces fall into place. The last two years I’ve realized I don’t need a man to make my life function, but have also taught me that I want one.

I got a new job, I’ll say. I love it. I graduated from college. I have to degrees, I’ll brag. I’m doing well for myself, not well enough that I can spend money left and right, but well enough to live happily off what I make. My cat is great. My family is wonderful, but stressed because I never see them. My grandma wonders why I haven’t settled because my cousin is married and now pregnant. I tell them I’m just waiting.

It’s been 5 years, he’ll say. And I’ll say that I know, it’s been too long. And then we won’t talk. We’ll look at each other and I’ll want to take him home, sleep in his muscular arms. And think if I’m making the right choice.

I’m not psychic, but then I’ll go back to Madison to be with RS and I’ll lay in his arms and look for the comfort, feel out the future. And then I might have to have the grown up conversation.

With him I’ll ask, is this just sex. And he won’t know what to say. Because I know him, and I know part of him likes being with me, and the sane part knows that he shouldn’t. He’ll ask why, now? And I’ll say that I love being around him, but I want to make sure we’re both healthy in our decisions. If we are FB’s we have to establish that, and I miss being with someone in public. And he’ll say he can’t. And then we won’t talk. And a part of my heart will shatter as I wonder if I just cast something great back into the lake.

Then I’ll remember that something great isn’t an FB. But part of me will want to take it all back, because those once a week ventures are thrilling. To be with someone in that fashion that you’ve wanted to be with so long. I’ll miss how he kisses, how he touches, how he smells. How he traces the phoenix. And if things happen with CW, I’ll go back and see if that touching makes me as happy.

And either decision I make, or what happens, I’ll always wonder if it was the right one. And I’ll never know for sure, because that’s the nature of decisions.

Exit Stage Right.

Out of the friends that I have that have met CB, there was one still hanging on - JF. Last night JF, my friend M, CB and I went out for a drink at one of the local bars by my house (my new house, that I move into THIS weekend! Eeeee! Exciting!) and enjoyed a couple adult beverages.

When it came down to conversation, CB didn't participate. In fact, he didn't seem comfortable at all. I cozied up, he stayed straight in his chair with his arms crossed. This morning I found out the last remaining bandwagoner has fallen off.

I got this tidbit of advice ...

I think you should probably move on. I hope you don't mind my two cents here, but you two are on opposite sides of the universe when it comes to what you want, physically, in a relationship. As we've discussed at length, that is very important. Again, there's really nothing wrong with being the way he is, it's just not what you want. I'm sure he is perfect for someone out there, hell many girls out there, but certainly not you. It does suck, because he is a really nice guy and he isn't shitty to you, but I think you would be consistently frustrated with him if this continues and, really, is that worth it?

I've stayed out of the Pro-CB spotlight and JF's right, it's not worth it. Because he doesn't make me feel wanted, I seek it in other places. Now I realize I'm justifying seemingly cheating ways on fabrication; however, let me reiterate that we actually aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, haven't done more than kiss, so I have definitely NOT cheated. And back to what I was saying, I obviously won't be faithful in a relationship if I don't get that, so it's better to cut ties now.

In the past I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" people and making a relationship last, and I've hung on because I put that time in and don't want to see my "project" fail - but it's time for a new leaf. He's guarded his heart too long and the horse is sick of chasing the carrot.

i've opted to go to Madison to get man-handled after work, straight up F*cked. I'm wearing my pink fuck me boots and my jacket - that's it. I have his college's sweatshirt to put on afterwards for round two. I'm so incredibly excited to feel his body on mine, feel his hands on my neck, feel him inside. Wow, 2:00 can't come fast enough - or cum, I guess I should say.

In moving news, this is it! This is the weekend! I've slowly been moving things over every day. This morning was the last long ride to work. I plan on going to Madison, fucking, coming home, packing and Saturday unpacking at the new place. I bought a beautiful, huge, work of art on gallery night that's starch black and white of a girl smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee to go above my couch - if I had a couch ...

Rash Decisions are Mistakes

The whole time D & O were in town, one thing D kept saying is that she wasn't going to make any more rash decisions. She got pregnant and got married and now she's dealing with a whole mess of problems because everything went so quickly. She doesn't regret what happened (I mean O could win awards for the cutest baby ever), but if she thought things through she might not have done it.

My rash decision yesterday turned into being a misunderstanding in the end. It turns out the emails were all part of a way of letting me into their little friendship, not a supposed remark to kick me out of it. Because of my quick reaction and even quicker driving skills, I slept with RS.

I made that decision on a whim and today CB kind of asked me out, it was along these lines "we have to get together sometime again. maybe catch a movie or grab a bite to eat." Actually, that was the exact line. I stared at the screen dumb founded. I replied with "CB - are you asking me out on a date?"

Now I'm stuck in a catch 22. I really like CB and part of the provisions with RS is that it stops when someone we like becomes an entity, I guess he's not an entity until it actually happens and as J mentioned, I can continue until there's an exclusivity pact in the picture which is still months away.

I've never straight on taken an FB before when there was potential other people in the picture, and I'm not sure that I'm going to give it up quite yet. There's just glass on the floor that I have to be careful not to step on so no one gets hurt.

And this concludes the days of our lives ...

The bitterness of control

I'm going to admit that I have a complete control issue, so when a supposed "friend" decided she would email CB and cc'd me on it saying she knew we were sleeping together (WTF? We aren't!) I got a little pissed. If anyone was going to ruin my chances with CB, it better as hell be me and not this little chickee poo. I stewed, I was incredibly angry and hurt. So I took matters into my own hands.

I im'd RS that I was in Madison and wondered if he was serious about our deal earlier. He said "sure." We arranged a meeting at 3:00, I drove to his house and saw his car was actually in his drive way.

I rang the doorbell, he answered. I asked how he was, he said "fine." So I kissed him, pinned him against the wall, took off his shirt, unbuckled his belt, took him by the loop and told him that I wanted to show him the place. We started kissing again, he fumbled with my shirt so I took it off for him, unhooked my bra, threw it on the ground. I asked him to get a condom, and we started kissing. Then we started doing more than kissing.

I'll spare you the intimate details, but about a couple pumps later he looked at me weird. Being the last experience wasn't that great, I was questioning if it was me. He told me it wasn't, that it had never happened before, that he had already came.

It was not a big deal, I was on a time line so I could get back to work so no one was the differ; I assured him I took it as a compliment that I was just that good. We got dressed I told him we should do it again next time I'm in Madison, he agreed. I left.

I was so happy that I had control over the whole issue, I was the one that called him, pinned him, screwed him, I was the one that left. I'm the one that doesn't have the lingering feelings and now I'm the one that is over any kind of feelings for CB. It's shady, it's self destructive, it's head nodding "no's" all over the place. But it's what I needed to do.

So here's a look into all the things that made this event take place -

(A) I haven't gotten laid in over 2 years. I haven't been feeling pretty or sexual or anything lately. I needed to feel that way for a bit.

(B) I wanted the chance to screw it up with CB and I might as well do the one thing that I knew would since the chance was ruined.

(C) I needed to have the encounter to show RS & myself that I was over him.

(D) I needed to feel like I had control over something.

Job accomplished.

Post Party ...

Party Hosting 101 - the host needs to eat or ends up a drunken diabocle like me & my friend J who hosted the party at her house. We had 17 guests (not too bad for only 3 day invite-out), 2 of which were in their boxers, 6 of which got to make out with people and I got 52 mosquito bites on my feet - tragedy!

Long after the pitcher of my cosmos were gone along with 54 beer cans, a bottle of Captain, one of vanilla smirnoff and a bottle of bacardi all hit the bucket the guest started leaving around 12:30am. I walked CB out and talked with him for a close hour and a half, he brought it to my attention that everyone was gone and he had to head back to Chicago (he drove all that way - just to come to our picnic, I know, I know "awww!") I tried to urge him to stay, but he said he needed to leave, so I let him and he kissed me. It was a bit better this time around, which shows he can improve (especially when not caught off guard) - but it did take over an hour to get him to do that and some 50 mosquitos on my toes - I look like I got some contagious disease, ick. We haven't talked since and I know he's not going to ask me out, so I 1/2 want to throw a party again this week, but lack the funds (this one cost me $125), so we'll wait and see.

In the meantime, RS text messaged me while I was at State Fair on Sunday and we enjoyed a bit of sexual banter back and forth. It kind of went along the lines of

RS: "Miller Park, 5, go"
MG: "Can't, at State Fair. Maybe lunch on Thursday? I'll be in Madison"
RS: "That's do-able."
MG: "Call me."
RS: "Will do."
MG:"I'll wear a skirt, you wear something sexy"
RS:"How about velvet?"
MG:"How about commando?"
RS:"Commando and a skirt is asking for trouble"
MG:"I misunderstood, aren't our get togethers all about trouble?"
RS:"Trouble will be the appetizer ..."

I know what you are thinking - I'm insane. Why even play with fire when it's kind of obvious CB might like me. I'm almost 100% that RS is just banter and no way will he actually meet me for lunch and no way will we actually get it on ... right? I mean, right. Plus I don't think I could bring myself to do it anyway.

On to another topic - dumb ass friends. #1 stood us up for the cook out and then didn't even call to say he was sorry. He's losing J's interest pretty fast and part of me hopes she loses it all the way because he's acting like an ass! I apparently don't get a medal for my hook ups. Sigh. I can't even get an honorable mention from mine.

I need to revert back to the old gym regement, I've been too busy and too tired. I'm thinking about giving up alcohol until the next get together - I'm pretty sure I could do it! That's a bunch of calories that don't need to be consumed.

Though, the drinking can't stop today because D & O are coming in from out of town to spend today, tomorrow & Wednesday with me. I think D needs a good cry. For being the strongest woman I've ever known, I see how much love hurts and breaks that down. I'm supposed to love her husband when she does and hate him when she does and never look back and be a support unit, but it's devestating to see someone so vibrant and beautiful being sucked in by a two-faced liar. I used to like him a lot, but my patience wears thin. I've been in almost the same position before, thinking you are in love and not wanting the work you've put into the relationship to fail but somethings are for the better. They have the most beautiful little girl and the freaking bastard ignores her, laying his lazy ass on the couch while his wife busts her ass to support him. That's my little rant. I'll support her no matter what she does because I love her that much, I just want to see the old D that was actually occassionally happy.

I'm hoping the next three days shows her what happiness was and how much it's lacking. I'm assuming tonight will be tears and wine ...