Guy's Girl.

I was on the phone with Flower Guy last night after a long day at work in our Madison office. We talked about his work, my day, his friends, his travels, my travels and my friends.

"You seem to have a lot of male friends." he said, "You seem like you're a guys girl, the sports, the humor, everything."

"Yup. Just prefer them I guess, I have female friends too - just not as many close ones." I quipped back.

"So I want to ask you a question, but I'm not sure I want to know the answer or that you want to give me the answer."

"Shoot, I'm an open book."

"How many of them have you been with?"

That's a variation question, it's a lead into the inevitable - how many people have you been with question, but this one even has a bit more sting. Do I tell the truth? If I do, how do I justify it?

And then it dawns on me, the truth is the best response. If he would ever meet them I wouldn't want our huggy natures to be confused with potential cheating, so I answered honestly.

"#1 is my best friend, he's also my ex."

"JF is one of my closest friends, we've made out on occasion"

"Passive aggressive is a great friend, we've made out, but nothing more."

"Admin works with me and I offer to make out with him, he just turns me down."

Silence. Here's where I wonder if I mention RS and I justify that we aren't actually friends, so he doesn't count. Plus he's never been brought up in a conversation.

Still silence, which means I ramble on and on trying to justify it. "I'm one of those people that believes in connections, so whether or not we've ever done anything isn't an issue, it's did we connect - if we did, then they stay. If we didn't - then they go." More rambling, "I mean, I'm not a whore or anything." More silence. "Can you throw me a bone here? I'm rambling and the silence is killing me."

"I'm just listening, it's interesting." He says.

Then we switched subjects, thank god, and went back to Saturday plans.

Almost Happy Again

I was doing my normal Monday scrolling, checking on all my favorite bloggers to see what was going on and I made my normal 11:00 stop at postsecret and saw this postcard above (link to it on the side). It was funny how it hit me.

"Shit, I was almost happy again." How many times do we sabatoge what's going on in our lives because we fear that we might be happy again? I do it constantly.

I was reading Darth's blog and in one post he discusses his Uncle & a woman he is dealing with - both situations are drastic, and all I could think is that they'd prefer the sympathy of others than to fix their ideal situations and then I wondered if that was me.

BG and I were at the bar the other night, grabbing a beer and celebrating the fact of his band being mentioned on-air. A couple got tossed back when he informed me that he knows we'll never be together because he's not my type - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be. He told me he's accepted his position of being my friend and will forever be my protector. It made my heart drop - how many girls would envy the position of a good looking guy saying that to them? I asked myself if I was potentially giving up happiness for something that could never be.

Of course, you know that means that I went to Madison the next day seeking solidarity and clarification. I actually didn't do it intentionally, I was walking my landlord's dog and when we arrived home I got a text message, "Should I be expecting company tonight?"

I was confused and not technically in the mood so I wrote back, "From me?" and dipped my toes into the warm bubble bath to heat up my cold skin from the walk. A little banter and 20 minutes later I drug my bubble soaked butt out of the tub and plugged in the curling iron. He'd be gone for a week, I could justify my second romp of the week, plus I left upset last time because I couldn't service him properly.

The night went on as normal. I couldn't get his doorbell to ring, he opened the door and I entered. He tried to kiss me, I told him to sit on the couch. I performed a little strip tease and we got down to business. He came, I didn't. He was out of commish, but held me close. It was 10:00 when I told him I wanted to leave before the blizzard, it was 2:00 when I actually did. This time seemed different, we chatted about his favorite band coming into town on tour, we talked about his week of vacation in Michigan. I asked who he was going with, and then he answered, "the guys."

With out thinking I asked, "the guys?" and then it dawned on me - The Guys. The guys from the band, including my ex. Without hesitation he confirmed and we chatted briefly about each individual person and their status - including a brief synopsis of the ex (with out my prompting). I felt that the conversation was about "the guys" and not the usual conversation dealing with "my ex." I wondered as I laid on his chest if he finally made a disassociation and if he was getting to a point where he could see me as a genuine person in his life. "You don't have to go if you don't want" he said as I put on my boots, "Do you want me to stay?" "No" he said as he hugged me and kissed me. I saw him waiting by his window as I pulled away.

I called #1 the next day, and told him I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I've crossed the line, I've screwed up. I was the girl that wanted sex with out strings, and I didn't stop when my emotions started getting in the way. #1 told me that I knew what I had to do, but asked me if it was what I wanted to do. I told him no, but I couldn't go through what he put me through years back. #1 asked me if I was stopping myself from being happy or if I've justified him as the reason to be happy. I told him that I can't help but think that he's the right guy. #1 reminded me that past mistakes aren't usually forgiving in the future and told me "You know what you want to do and you know what you have to do. Now you have to decide."

And with that being said I think to myself, "Shit, I was almost happy again."

10:00 on Sunday and the clock is still ticking.

I moved a lot this morning, nearly all of my belongings pegged between two rooms, scattered on the ground or in plastic containers. I needed something to keep me busy while I waited for the game to attend. The game did end, and I didn’t get a call. Around 6:00 a co-worker called, he needed some items for Monday. To pass time I offered to do them for him and I went into work.

At 7:00 I flipped the phone between my fingers. I called. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did, Hey it’s 7:00 – wanted to see if you still wanted to go out. Call me.

Then I went to #1s with McDonald’s in my hand and patiently waited for a phone call. I laid in bed with #1 and he played with my hair. I talked about yesterday and how much fun it was to be with RS. He laughed and said the line that I always give him about his FB, “You’re going to get married and have babies and live happily ever after.” I sighed. He asked why. Because that would be great if we did.

As we talked I asked if I could tell him something. What? I got stood up. With CB? Oh geez, no (I’m from Wisconsin, we say oh geez). From CW.

He rolled his eyes at me. He told me he was glad because the old MG from 5 years ago would take it with a grain of salt but that person is gone and now he has no chance. It’s better this way he says.

And the truth is he’s right. Part of me wanted to call a few minutes ago and leave a voicemail saying that we’re even. But the truth is, we aren’t.

In all the lovey-doveyness and, by all means the second round was my fault, me getting freaked out way under plays the topic of him having a finacee the first round and not tell me. Or the girl calling me a dirty whore. Or the phone call he followed up with telling me to leave him alone. No, he still should be on the shit list and this has just compiled it.

If he calls tomorrow, I’m going to explain that I’m not 21 anymore. I don’t play these games. And then I’m going to tell him it was great seeing him and I wish him the best.

So God helps us make decisions through actions. I won’t regret leaving him anymore or look at construction sites to see if he’s there. I won’t wonder if he thinks about me. No. I now know that the me I am now is better than him and he’s still his old self.

Now to just let down CB. We went out on Friday and still nothing. This time I didn’t even pretend. I don’t have the energy to fake a relationship. He kept asking if he was taking too much time – and now I have to tell him that he did. I think he’s sweet and cute and great to be around, but I think he’s that person romantically for someone else. I thought I was clear on what I needed and he couldn’t give it to me. Next time, don’t take so long.

It’s that time of year. The time of year where relationships are out there to be had, but none are in my lap.

To Each His Own

I full heartedly admit that any innocent bystander of my night tonight would assume I was drunk or stoned.

After family pictures, I headed out to #1’s to drop off a piece of artwork he bought – that was at 7:00, it’s nearly 9:15 and I just got home. I laid on his couch and he laid on the floor and we had our normal banter of cracking each other up amongst serious conversation.

I tell #1 everything, that includes that he knows the background with CW (short side note – I was with CW before the first go around with #1 and admitted I needed to get tested because we had had unprotected sex and I found out later he had been with over 100 girls), so I admitted to the Champps incident and told him that I really hoped he called. #1 hates this guy, not only for the above reason but because he knows that I really liked him when we were seeing each other and he (#1) had to deal with the pieces of a shattered ego from it. He cautioned me that I had to do what I had to do – but that he wasn’t a backer.

Doesn’t matter much because CW didn’t return my call from his original call anyway.

I digress, we discussed our current love situations and how the multiple people in our lives constitute one great person – just they aren’t together. BG is attentive, CB is sweet, RS is a great fuck and #1 is the perfect companion. He has a 20 year old love interest that is hot, hot, hot. The age difference kills it for him and he has said if they ever got together they would just (and this is a legitimate quote) “Have monkey sex for 3 months and be done with it.” One of my committee members is also an interest for him because she’s adorable, he said she’s the kind of girl you just want to cuddle with all weekend long, and then there’s me that he can just lay and shoot the shit with. The combined packages are phenomenal people – we just have to find them. Interesting, no?

As for the move – I’m still in boxes and 1/2 my stuff is still at my dad’s. I brought the bumpkin over last night to get associated with the place, he cried all night. Finally about 5am he settled under my covers, something he hasn’t done since Moo left, hugged tight to my leg. He stayed there until I showered and promptly returned when he saw me packing my bag. I came home around 4:45 (LOVE THIS COMMUTE!) and he was still there, I’m not sure he left all day. He’s also a horse and hasn’t touched his food.

He’s not your typical cat, even my dad thinks he’s more of a dog. He comes when called, plays fetch and even walks on a harness (not well – but he does it). He doesn’t ever cry, so when he is vocal I know he’s perturbed. This is a huge adjustment for him, he always had Moo and when she was gone there was always someone in the house – either my sister with her kids from her daycare next door or my dad or me. Now it’s just me and I’m not home that much. I feel like a bad cat mom L.

Other than that, I did put my bed together but I realized my internet connection isn’t the best – looks like I’ll have to cough up that $60 some a month – yikes. At least my gym membership is done after this month.

I still have no TV, so there’s not much to do these nights except sleep. Hopefully when the alarm goes off tomorrow morning I’ll actually get out of bed and run like I’m supposed to.

In a quick boy update news:

CW: Didn’t return my call.
#1 and I hung out tonight
BG and I have been chatting over email – but nothing major
CB tried to hang out all weekend but I blew him off for the move
RS and I slept together Friday, I tried to do it again on Sunday but he never returned my text.

To each his own.

How to get out of your weekend plans 101

Plan a party! I was technically supposed to go by my cousins and my friend from around the corner was supposed to go to Chicago, but neither of us wanted to so instead we're having a cook out! :)

I invited CB, she invited #1 - I don't think either is going though ...