The following is my mode of trying to solve sexual frustration. All the following are done in a last stitch attempt to feel sexy, but may not end in the release of frustration.
Step One: Get your hair done.
This is two-fold for me. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my old boss and I want to impress him. My hair hasn't been cut in 3 months, so it's about due time anyway. Bad news? My emergency cut is (a) going to be more expensive because (b) my regular hair dresser isn't returning my calls, so I have to try something new. Good thing I made contact with the owner of a salon in the third ward, hopefully his chick won't lead me astray.
Step Two: With your new hair cut, buy a cute semi-revealing dress.
I needed to get a dress anyhow for this weekend, but I want something that will make TW's mouth drop and make him want to just rip the skirt up and screw me right there. Wouldn't it be funny to wear that and then go to the family reunion?
Step Three: You've secured your dress, now get that "something sexy" for underneath.
Almost as important as the sexy dress is the sex underwear because you're praying that at some point someone will see them. So after I get the dress, I'm heading over to Fredrick's for the perfect ensemble.
Step Four: Now get the sexy shoes.
When sexually frustrated, it's incredibly important that the shoes match the underwear in the attempt that when said person that will help you with your frustration may see them and think of them over his shoulders.
Step Five: Go home, take a bubble bath and drink wine.
Just enough wine to get you a little buzzed and warm and cozy.
Step Six: Slip into something sexy to sleep in.
Just in case there's a midnight visitor.
Step Seven: Wake up in the morning and think "damn."
Probably the disappointed version because you did not get the midnight visitor.
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8 comments:
Of course, you could just grab your viberator and go to town. That would take care of it too.
2 broken vibrators last week and a new one that's been in use every day, at least once a day, since Friday night.
While it's an okay fix, there's something about a pulsating, sweating body on top of you, underneath you, to your side that makes real sex worth it. Not to mention laying afterwards to feel their smooth fingers trace the outlines of your tattoos or the some what mumbled "wow" among the deep breathes.
So while I'll still use it tonight, it's just not the same as him.
How do you go and break a viberator?
HI there..
Enjoy reading your column.
For a GREAT hairdresser you should try my best friend, Ilana who works at Hairy's Hair Bar in Bayview.
She will give you a rockin cut and especially works magic for color.
And ya gotta love a girl with lots of tattoos...
:) tell her I sent you!
Noel
Agreed, getting off is fun and all, but it doesn't come (no pun intended) close to sex!!
If you had intended a pun you would have typed cum not come...
they both work dammit! look it up.
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