I'm still kind of freaking about the moving ... here's the thing, at our new house the BF has claimed the basement as his man zone, his son's room is the full upstairs, everything else is shared territory. This being said, all things that I own and care for will then become "ours" - including my baby. He won't just be my cat anymore, he'll be our cat.
And there's the whole sex thing. I'm lucky if we have sex once a week and it's ordinary sex, I swear he hasn't even seen my tits in 3 or 4 months. This really isn't the kind of sex I prefer or the amount ... I keep thinking, "We're not even living together yet ..."
Some people are telling me that it's just nerves, other people are saying that if I'm having second thoughts to not do it ... you gotta love contradictory advice.
I love my BF, I really do, with all my heart. I can see us having babies and living together BUT I sometimes wonder if that isn't returned. His world has always been him and only him ... for instance, if I had to have serious surgery on a Tuesday night - would he give up poker? Nope. If we were on the phone at night and the line suddenly went dead, what would he do? Probably roll over and go back to sleep. Unfortunately those are real answers...
I mean there are the sweet things, he's paying for more things now that I'm in a money situation, he made dinner the other night just out of the blue ... but in truth do I want to be with him more than he wants to be with me?
There has been only one time in my life where I was wanted more than I was wanting - I was 22 and in the best shape of my life - but I was also on hiatus from any kind of relationship and from sex. I'm pondering how I can get that feeling back - but let's face it, that was some 5 years ago now and I don't have the lifestyle to even equip myself to getting back into my old shape - although I've been considering it.
You see, at 22 I worked 2nd shift. I would get up, work out for 4-5 hours, go to work, maybe eat a little salad, go out and drink, get trashed, wake up and repeat. Even if I could fit in that kind of workout again - it's not feasible to than go out and get trashed, because I start work at 7:30.
There's certain things that constitutes feelings of being wanted for me. This includes spontaneity, sexual desire, respect and romance. As long as one or two things are in play - I'm pretty happy. When no things are in play, I'm not.
Spontaneity is that whole, "I'm coming to get you and we're doing this ..." or coming home and there's dinner ready, or the whole pack-your-things-we'll-be-in-Italy-by-6:00 (the last has never happened).
Sexual desire is just what it says, wanting to have sex with the other person. For me it should be around 4-5 times a week at the bottom end. And it's not just the quickie kind of sex, it's the man-handling kind where clothes are all over the place and you can't even make it up the stairs. It's the kissing and the grabbing. It's not the kind of sex you expect every day, be once a month is always enough to make a girl feel wanted.
Than there's respect - like saying you'll do something and doing it or even just calling to say that it can't happen. For instance, you wouldn't leave someone at a bar without saying you're leaving and if you're out getting trashed with out the other person, a courtesy text or call to let them know that you got home safe. There's also the, "Okay I f*cked up" thing which can be settled the next morning (like a response to a bunch of texts from the night before that you never responded too).
And then there's romance. Of course there's those huge gestures of flowers and gifts, but then there's also the little things... for instance, there was this older couple walking down the street holding hands that just made my heart swoon and made me think - is that going to be me in 50 years? There's the sweet things like saying someone looks good, smells good, etc. There's picking up the tab or doing something that maybe you really don't want to do in exchange for something they do. There's the fact that you're maybe moving because you want to and not because you have to.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
first, glad to have you back! second, from my personal experience, moving in together when there's that many things you'd like to see change in the relationship doesn't sound like it's going to amount to a GREAT ending - but best of luck!
When you're having the exact same problem in a year, you'll have no one to be pissed at but yourself. You should listen to Pearl Jam tonight (Better Man) and see if it doesn't inspire you.
Too bad he hasn't seen your tits in 3-4 months. They're spectacular.
Well, if things are like that now, they probably aren't going to change. But on the other hand, you have to give it a try and see what happens.
The problem is he is getting too comfortable with you, which may be a good thing at first, but then they take you for granted. Show him what he's missing and maybe he will snap out of it. Sex should never be a routine or a scheduled event.
Boy I sure don't know what to believe anymore. In one post you talk about how things have been great and you're all happy and then this. Which is it?
You'r timeline is never accurate either. I read your blog as a sorce of entertainment so I guess I shouldn't expect them to be accurate but I do find myself constantly going back and reading older posts to figure out what's real and whats fantasy.
And why do some of your posts disapeer? Is it because they conterdict your more recent posts? Or were they filled with so many lies that it made you guilty?
Keep up the good work, but if it's all made up, work out the details. The details is what makes someone a good fiction writer.
Moving in is a huge deal. At least this will tell you if he's the one for you. I live with my EX-fiance and living with him for a few months was all it took to realize it wasn't right. Just make sure you have a plan B if this turns out to be the case for you. But good luck! (And as for the sex thing....try being really aggressive and suprise him at work in nothing but a trench and heels. it might help )
Post a Comment