Single in the City

No Need for Nerves

2009-11-04T05:07:00.000-08:00

My stomache was in knots. The time I have been dreading since starting my new job in August had arrived. Here we were hosting an event and my old employer, as well as 2 others, were coming. Millions of things ran through my head - don't slip on the non-disclosure, be cordial but still explain why we're better, don't buy into the fake nice.

And sure enough the event started and only one was there. I went about my normal sales routine, sat quietly and began to watch the presentation. About 25 minutes in - they arrived. Of course, we were out of chairs so I hurried to get more to seat two butts that were not paying attention, just playing on iPhones and on computers. But I took a deep breath, I'm good at my job, it'll be fine.

And it was.

At the end I had a lot of class questions and I parlayed them as appropriately as possible. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her standing there, a fake "good to see you" and "nice space" followed, completely generic calls for our industry. I went back to my sell. The other girl who works for her was also there - "MG, don't know if you remember me ..." I stopped her short, "Thank you for coming girl-who-I-went-to-bat-for-when-they-weren't-sure-they-were-going-to-hire-you-and-was-followed-by-my-abrupt-"volunteer"-resignation, of course I remember you." Smiled, shook a hand and went back to business.

I pushed the fuel that burned in my belly out of my life, felt my shoulders relax and have decided that you all were right - it's time to move on. I can't shelter my reputation they so calously trashed by harboring angst, instead I explain simple things - my products are half their price and come with MORE instruction than they give. My facilitators are just as "experts" in their industry and are certified. My company is actually woman-owned and WBENC certified.

That is all for now! Follow my multi-daily updates at milwgirl on Twitter.

Oh yeah! Milwaukee Girl is on Twitter!

2009-10-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

This should help me post more often - follow me on Twitter! milwgirl

There's a little sunshine in a dark world.

2009-09-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

I had to approach my dad for a loan and he echoed the same concerns as many of you. He did give me a little security blanket, of course at repayment terms that are more than a bank, but it works.

Then he sends me an email.

"I have an idea to help your credit. What's your score?"

Of course my score isn't that great, I estimate it for me and he returns the email almost instantly.

"I was going to buy a house. Maybe WE should by the house, they have that tax credit you know."

A house? Are you nuts? I'm already barely surviving. A year ago I was making over $50K. Now after a layoff and two job switches since, I'm suffering in just under $30,000. That's a big difference. That's a "I used to pay off my credit cards, now I make a bit over minimum payments" difference. He told me to talk to a loan agent.

The loan agent said that the credit would apply with my dad as the co-signer; however, just I have to be the primary and live in the home at least three years. If we get a duplex, only 1/2 of the cost applies to the home. So I need to spend at least $160,000 on the home. Because of my credit, I would need a healthy down payment and the credit applies the purchase during the 2008 tax season - so I can't count on it as the down payment.

I'm meeting with my dad to hear what he says about it. I think its basically going to come down to him buying the house and my rent covering the mortgage, and of course, turning over the $8K at tax time.

And I know the provision is that the BF can't live there. Funny, same thing I told my brother ...

What's a girl to do?

2009-09-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like it's been written before and I'm just rewriting the past.

Girl meets boy, boy rapes girl financially, girl picks up the pieces but is left in shambles. When we got back from Vegas it turned out that the $1300 check from the BF bounced for his half of the expenses from August as well as his money for Vegas. And there's no money to replace it. From switching jobs I already was down a paycheck, I already took an advance. I'm living on $1100 a month for $1600 in bills. And then this.

The worst part is he doesn't even seem to want to fix the situation. When I ran into money troubles I sold my laptop, TV, DVD, Blue Ray, Video Game Systems, Furniture - until I virtually had no belongings to make sure I had rent - yet here he is the owner of a 52" TV and he won't even sell that. After not being able to get a loan or find a co-signer his answer is "Well, I'll just owe people money." That includes me - $2 grand now because we had to borrow $700 from my mom to cover rent.

A huge part of me says just walk away - hello 2005 when my ex sued me for the stupid debt I co-signed on. Huge part of me says get a part time job, owrk through it.

But this for a guy who doesn't want to marry me or have children.

One Simple Word

2009-08-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm back into the world of sales I've been doing a lot of networking. Last time I was pretty much single while networking, this time I'm pretty much not. I forgot how the dynamic changes.

On Tuesday I met a gentleman and connected with him on LinkedIn, a professional networking site. His response was only the word "dinner" including not being capitalized. I wouldn't have batted an eyelash at this in the past; however, now I'm wondering what exactly he means - like dinner as in date? I mean, I did mention my boyfriend several times when talking to him about our upcoming trip next week? Does he mean to network? That's a weird time to network...

Ugh! How do I respond?

In the meantime ... two of my dear friends are getting hitched this weekend and I'm very excited to go. My only "friend" wedding I attended was a good handful of years ago in Vegas - we won't mention how that turned out (WOS). These two are a great fit for eachother and I can't wait to celebrate. Granted, because money is not ideal we're camping for it. Turns out the Wisconsin weather is 52 degree high with rain tomorrow night. Yuck. Although I like the BF's reaction when I read off the weather, "CUDDLE!"

I've got a big week ahead of me - tomorrow's the wedding and our trip to Vegas is under a week away! Ah relaxation, I dream of you!

Because of my latest job switch I have exactly $20 to my name, which will be put into my gas tank for the trip up North (must remember to charge my digital camera ...). I haven't bought any new clothes for a good 6 months. My mom knows how hard its been since losing my job so she took me out shopping last night. I got 4 shirts (all on clearance!) and a pair of jeans for Vegas.

Of course, I'm not saving my new attire for the trip so I promptly put on my new jeans and a top for work this morning. I showered last night since networking started at 7:30 a.m. and woke up to the crazy curls that the BF so adores. His reaction, "Wow you look hot, I want to take you." My reaction? "Not right now." I know, shocking right?

Oh and to answer your question Anon from the other day - yes, about twice a week. To each his own.

Young, Psychotic Love.

2009-08-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

Over the past year and a half I've taken my little brother in because I love him and he needed help to get to school (I'm on a bus line) and a bit of independence from my parents. After he got done with school he began working full time and I opened my 2nd floor of my house, my wallet and my heart to help him out. He went from 3 days a week to every day of every week living with me.

About 6 weeks ago he met a girl through a mutual friend. On their first date he needed a ride to see her, I told him I would but I had a big day the next day so he would need to take the bus. I laid down at 11:30 p.m. to go to bed. At 12:30 a.m. my phone rang, he missed the bus and needed a ride. So I picked him up.

About 2 weeks later I was getting ready for work in the bathroom when I noticed a suspicious bloody female product in my garbage can. Being the only female in the house I knew exactly what had happened. I cleaned up the mess and calmed myself, went to work. When I got home I had a civilized chat with my brother. I did not like people I did not know in my home. This girl was not allowed to be here overnight. He agreed.

Three days later I lay in bed and hear "squeak, squeak, squeak" along with small chit chat through the vent our rooms share. I calmly get out of bed and yell for him to come downstairs. "She's here again. She does NOT sleep over. I have not met her." He argues that he sleeps on the floor when she is over, I let him know that its a lie and it doesn't matter.

2 weeks later I'm hosting a rummage sale. I go into my attic, which is across from his room only to find both him and this girl in MY bed sleeping. He has broken the rules again and he has been caught in a lie. This time I'm pissed and I yell. I tell him that this is the last straw, if it happens again he can pack his bags and get out.

I still have yet to meet this woman.

Five days later I'm informed by my boyfriend's child that he saw my brother and his girlfriend in the morning. He joked how he snuck her in. My boyfriend mentions that he did see her and he acknowledged that he knew she was sleeping over. Because of this I feel like I cannot kick him out. I let my brother know, yet again, the behavior is not acceptable. Come to find out she was kicked out of her house and had no where to apparently go, if she couldn't come over she'd break up with him. I explain that its not acceptable in my home.

Thing are fine for the next few days, until I wake up in the morning and am greeted by another bloody pad in my garbage (chick doesn't even wrap it in toilet paper or try to hide it). I had enough, I was done. I grab my phone and text him that she was over again, he broke the rules and to get out. He responds that he and the girl broke up so it wouldn't happen again (because he would not give her money for cigarrettes). Upon coming home that evening still fuming, my boyfriend convinces me to give him one final shot, after all we do need a dogsitter. We place the final rules into place. He agrees by them.

It's 12:30 at night and I've just fallen asleep when my phone rings. I don't recognize the number, so I send it to voicemail. It calls four more times. I finally pick up ... its the Police Department and my brother's friends have reported that he is threatening suicide. They need to send a patrol.

I leave my room only to find my 23 year old brother inviting my boyfriend's 10 year old to join him on a trip to the gas station (it's 1:00 in the morning). I irrately tell the boy to get into his room and sleep while ordering my brother outside. We have a passionate conversation about how the cops are on the way and what an idiot he is. In the end the cops come and under their advice, he's driven to the looney bin.

The looney bin was full and six phone calls that made me get precisely 10 minutes of sleep before a 12 hour work day ask for him to be picked up. I refuse. My mom comes and gets him and has him pack everything at my house - he has been evicted.

In the meantime him and the girl get back together. I warn my mom that this is exactly the girl to get pregnant on purpose and my brother is enough of an idiot to get her pregnant. His girlfriend calls him on Friday to see her - her uncle has just hit her and she's afraid. So he lies and says he will be by another friend's house. He gets a hotel and spends the weekend with her. He calls my mom 2 days later to inform her that he again, will not be home. She throws a fit. He admits that he is sneaking around with her. She tells him that he is to come home tonight or he can never return. Finally 3 hours later he calls her to pick him up. He informs her that he has broken up with her (she told him if he didn't stay she would break up with him).

The next day comes and goes with little rumbling until his phone bill gets checked (he shares a plan with my parents and was now 200 minutes over the limit for all 3 of them). It turns out that he indeed had lied again and was speaking, rather often, to his girlfriend. On Tuesday my mom and him have it out and he informs her that he lied about having sex - and the girl is pregnant.

This red flags to me as I was the one cleaning up the bloody pad that my dog plucked out of the garbage just one week before this fiasco meaning that she most likely was not pregnant a week ago. And if she had gotten pregnant since - I mean, she's only under a week along. I share this concern with my mom who share it with him. "Well Mom, you can have your period and still be pregnant." My mom is in tears. She has decided that if he wants to stay with Psycho Sally she wants nothing to do with him. At this point, I also do not want anything to do with him. In fact I find out that he complained about being in my house. A house which he lived in basically rent free.

In the meantime, being the sister that has always defended him, I have tried to reach out on numerous occassions to him. He has not called back because there is nothing he needs from me at the moment since he knows I will not allow his girlfriend to move in my house.

After hearing the deceptions and the lies over and over, I've decided to finally think of myself for once. I don't want anything to do with someone that could flat out lie and hurt the people in his family the most for a girl he's known 6 weeks.

Ironically, my sister (who hates his guts to begin with) is playing good cop and offering to help him and his girlfriend in their "situation" - all that needs to happen is she needs to come over and indeed take a pregnancy test to prove this is not another lie. They have yet to take her up on this offer.

A thoughtful boasting of nothing.

2009-08-24T19:57:00.001-07:00

I sat in the warm shower tonight, what I normally do in the morning, and did what I normally do. Reflect on the last eight years and how life could've been so different under the bellowing drops of luke warm water as the scents of soaps and shampoos permeate in the air.

I think about how different I am from 2 years ago, from 4 years ago, from 2 years ago. How different my life could have - even should have been if I had made different choices.

At the long end I think how I could have been in a marriage with a cheating husband, barefoot and pregnant with my third child. Disappointed because it was a boy. But how close I grew to my cousin because our lives shared an inevitable path of simplicity. And I shake off the bubbles and think that the choice I made was not easy, but so right.

What if I had stayed with the guitarist who's now a meth junkie and living in his car. Maybe I could have pulled him out of it and we'd be in a shitty run down house that reeked of cheap pot and heroin cooking on the stove. Me in a business suit working 80 hours a week just to not come home, focusing that frustration on the career I've always wanted.

Or if I had never started this blog and just let my anger, hurt, hopes and love just boil inside of me, I would secretly loathe my job but live a shell of existence of sweet simple life, smiling on the outside and crying on the inside.

I'm reminded ever so often of the choices I made and what could have been done to change my life today. Its not that I feel my life isn't good right now its just that you wonder how different it could be.

Instead of just nothing I'll give you something. Yes, I'm still with TW we worked things out. Instead of being the person I thought he wanted, I've gotten comfortable with being the person that I am and its helped.

On the job front I left the diversity place, and went back to an old industry. On the house front, I'm still where I was. I still have the bumpkin and the now 50lb puppy.

For the most part I'm a low-key same version of myself - though I feel old parts creep up occassionally.

I do need to vent about one thing before I leave - I throw myself out there even when I shouldn't. After a friend said she encountered my old boss at an event she mentioned she missed me. I laughed. At one point she was my dearest friend, but upon the situation of leaving my old job and her part in the events during and after, I would not think this woman cared a dime for me. I had sent several emails, including business leads that were returned short or not at all. As I see she still just lies to seem like a person she is not or to fill an empty hole that she created about the person she would like to be. In the end I realize that I can't continue to try to be a person who I am not.

That's all she wrote.

2009-05-08T04:52:00.001-07:00

Back to single I guess. The BF broke up with me last night, looked me in the eyes and said he didn't love me - he hasn't. It's the worst thing anyone could say.

While I write not-so-awesome things a lot of the time, I don't focus on the many oh-so-right things. But my actions have consequences and I have to realize that. I tried all I could and got nothing. The heart break is extreme, I even have constant heart burn. But what can you do or say to take away anything? nothing.

I wanted one last hug, one last moment of affection and I just got "I don't love you." I don't think I believe it.

What will we do with our house? The dog? The trip to vegas in September? I can't help the tears anymore. All I can do is try to not let them keep coming.

Can I skip the "married" part of co-habitating?

2009-04-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

If I don't get sex soon I might go crazy.

The BF fell asleep in the basement, which gave me the whole bed and major flashbacks of the insane sex I'd have with RS. God, against the wall - on the floor - the touching, kissing. If I kiss the BF he does it ridiculously sloppy, more goofy than loving.

Ugh, the memories. Getting wet just thinking about it ...

When Love Isn't Enough

2009-04-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

Dating a man with a 7 year old is completely different than dating one with a 10 year old. In the last 2 years the problems with his child have been super charged with the onset of hormones - and I feel trapped.

2 years and he has yet to attend a real holiday with my family. The only holidays I get are the ones where his ex-wife's family are not participating. Grandpa's birthday, family picnic, Fourth of July. That's what I get. In the meantime the Christmases, Easters, Thanksgivings and more go there and I am torn between the two. Either I skip my family and just attend his or face the guilt trip when I'm at my parents' houses and end up doing two in a row.

I thought, finally after two years, we reached a new point - the point when he was spending one major holiday with my family. And then it fell apart.

He told his ex-mother in law that they would be spending Easter with my family due to the fact it was six days away and he had yet to hear plans from them. She agreed saying she "understood that holidays need to be split at this point in your relationship."

Then on Wednesday I get a call from the ex-sister in law, "Easter is going to be at our house - I know you are going to your parents but I just wanted to extend the invite for you to come here if you want."

I couldn't help but feel set up in away. I do know she meant no harm in the invite - but here it was, the first "real" holiday with my family and she knows we made plans, yet drops the hint that "we" can change our minds. I talk it over with the BF and he opts to go there being that the menu won't suit his 9 year old and there are no kids his age to play with. I concede, because that's what I do.

He, however, does not inform his ex mother in law of the decision. The one, as noted above, who said she understood the need to split holidays. On Friday he receives a call from her house from his child stating that he doesn't want to go to my family and he's decided that we need to go to theirs.

I was angry. Not only is this the bomb-drop right after I've put up with anal sex, but he openly admits that it's a complete set up from his "mom" - as he calls her. That was it. Sitting in half pain and half anger, one step from crying due to hormones raging from my period, shaking and I just gave him the look that clearly stated, "You asshole." It started off as a normal conversation but soon esculated. I tried to explain my side but he stated I was being "combative" because I had already agreed that he could go to their family. I decided to just throw in the towel. No more expectations on him EVER being there.

In the meantime I'm trying to figure out the entire picture. The holiday issue is just the latest blue monkey in the entire barrel. We've been banned from having kids by his nine year old and even getting married. Yes, by a nine year old. We have constant battles over the lack of discipline and chores for him. And the situation keeps going.

I do not question the amount of love I have for this man. I do question if I'm set up to be in this relationship. There is too much closeness with a family that is not his and no willingness to embrace mine. I'm not sure I can deal with his out-of-control son any more, wanting to not come home when he is around.

And there is nothing I can do since I make no extra money at my current job. I can choose to move in with family and give up my pets or I can choose to keep what I have and deal with the insanity of my situation. It's sad that I went from being independent to now being so dependent.

Advocating Might Not Be All It's Cracked Up to Be

2009-04-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I have a job. It's for a non-profit that advocates women and minority rights. The bad news is it's 1/2 the money and the title is extremely low. It's not at all worth either. There's a ton of work, little direction, an absent minded boss and more. The other girl that was hired with me is already quitting.

In the mean time it's not so much fun struggling to pay bills, but what are you to do in such an economy?

Starting Work.

2009-03-24T06:06:00.000-07:00

I start work in just under an hour today. I have mixed emotions. One one hand I'm excited that I get to work with this company, on the other hand I'm nervous about what the future holds. It's hard to think that you hit the top of your game at 27 and now at 28 you're back at post-graduate status.

Due to tuition reimbursement by my new employer, I am looking at going to school for my masters degree. I figure it will not only defer my current loan situation, easing up bills in the next years, but perhaps it will give me the additional edge I need to be successful.

God only gives us what we can handle ... right?

2009-03-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'm on the verge of breaking down. The dealership wants $1200 worth of repairs on my extended warranty piece of shit car, for yet another item not covered in the "95%" of what the warranty covers. So I planned on using another source to get it fixed before I start the new job on Tuesday. I let them fix the ONE thing the warranty did covered. I called today at 3:00 to see when it would be done (they close at 4) and found out that the part didn't come ... I can't get my car until after 5 on Monday, meaning no fix on the catalytic convertor by an outside source. I feel screwed and used.

Then the BF called, he got side swiped on the way to a job at work. He ended up in the hospital with a f*cked up shoulder.

When does the bad stuff stop happening and the good stuff kick in?

The low grumble in the morning.

2009-03-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

Three dogs can be kind of a stresser. My dog is having jealousy issues on day three. Don't go by her people or a fight will ensue - but I kind of think she wants it that way, an excuse to rumble and tumble with two dogs that would prefer to just relax. That was the first low grumble.

The second was my 22 year old brother coming downstairs, turns out that the dog fighting at 6:30 this morning didn't wake him up to catch the city bus. Being that he was late, I offered to drive him to school for a second to get away from the internal grumbles in my house.

The third was my car. I love that the car I bought a year and a half ago has cost my $4,500 in repairs as of last year - I can only imagine what the roadster grumble will bring. If I didn't owe more than what the car was worth, I'd get rid of it at the first chance I had. A couple more car payments and I'll be up to par.

The fourth grumble is the fact that I'm trying to figure out what lifestyle changes need to take place when I'm making nearly 1/2 of what I did last year. I keep trying to find a way to figure out the bills so there's something leftover in the month.

The next challenge in figuring out the bills is to figure out if I should use what's left in my savings to pay off one of my credit cards, or to reserve it since there won't be excess income for emergencies. Technically, the minimum payment is $20 a month, which is what I would be saving - making the equivelant savings account be around 2 years to rebuild at only $20/month. I am looking at a credit change being that I've been living on it for the last month of unemployment. So paying off one would help my status.

Decisions, decisions.

Pee on you, pee on me.

2009-03-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm dog sitting a lab and a retriever, plus I have my shepherd/husky - which means going out is basically causing a water park in my back yard. The retriever squats to pee, but you're never really sure due to his feathering and his slighly overweight size. Well, turns out my pup didn't know what he was doing and went to sniff right under his leg ... mid stream. The look was priceless and she got peed on! The BF immediately grabbed her and brought her to the hose, washed her down - which she enjoyed even less being that she wants nothing to do with water.

At the same time of giggling, I didn't realize that she was peeing and I walked right underneath her stream ... all over my shoe. Lovely!

In other - non pee - news. I am no longer unemployed! I accepted a position for $14K less than I made last year, but a position I could see myself in and something of very little effort. I opted for the desk-monkey over sales job and figure that I'll work my butt off and come raise time, I'll see if they can switch my title to specialist instead of coordinator - at least posing me for a position with a little more umph behind it.

Dude, a picture is just a picture.

2009-03-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

At my grandpa's birthday today our family got together to celebrate. In normal family tradition - a family picture was to be taken. And a fight insued.

My cousin "surprised" the family by showing up with her husband and two kids at the very last minute. My cousin is the most prized person in our family because of her two kids. Although my sister is raising my neice, she is not blood - therefore unlegitimizing her in the eyes of some of our family. That being said, she also HATES pictures unless they are professionally done. Not sure why, she just doesn't like them.

Now some additional background ... my great aunt is dying and my other great aunt (we'll call her Hollywood since that's where she works) is here to say goodbye. Both of my aunts are the greatest ladies on the planet - fun loving and fun, period. They like to keep family memories on film. Do you see where this is going?

Well cousin drops in with her kids and doesn't even bother asking about my auntie who is not well. Just show off their kids. This doesn't go over well but Hollywood keeps it bottled up.

We finished eating and chatting and I got out the cakes. Well, the kids are getting cranky so Hollywood decides its time for a family picture. Not only for Grandpa's birthday, but also for auntie in the hospital.

My cousin immediately grabs her family's jackets and proceeds to throw a fit when asked to please pose for the photo. Hollywood had enough and just went off! It was priceless because my cousin's fits are generally just taken - and someone finally called her out on it.

Cousin dear stormed out of the family reunion, followed promptly by her parents because they were uncomfortable. Hollywood cried. It was heart breaking - but seriously - DUDE, IT'S JUST A PICTURE!!

That was a bust.

2009-03-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so gross about an interview. I just got back from my second interview with a local sub company, very well branded in Wisconsin. There just wasn't the connection, and I felt that upon a follow up paper and prior to the interview this morning. Strange how your gut can be so right. I won't lie the position is 100% beneath me - something aimed more for a college graduate than someone with almost 9 years experience. To me this was the final stage in why the answer would be no if offered - and no longer just because it's 18K-12K less than I'm used to making.

That's the thing about this economy, we feel like we need to accept something that isn't right because money plays such a large role in our lives. It's sad, but necessary unfortunately.

All the positions I've interviewed for our below my qualifications and for incredibly less money - but people simply don't want middle management positions right now. You need the Director and the support.

Not that I'm not happy that I'm interviewing - it's exciting and thrilling. I am finding that the process is reigniting in knowing that the position I'm excited about is the right puzzle piece.

Unemployment=Uneventful

2009-03-11T17:11:00.001-07:00

My days now consist of (1) Apply for jobs, (2) answer all calls, (3) help sister at her business, (4) let dog out, (5) rearrange house, (6) apply for more jobs.

Life is very uneventful - but I have enjoyed the last 12 days off. I can't believe it's only been 12 days.

My highlight? I made a new meatloaf. Who am I?

Oh and I rearranged the kitchen and the livingroom. Tomorrow, after my interview in Chicago, I plan on conqueoring the second bedroom and making it into either the BF's kids room and taking over the loft as my space - or moving very little and making the second room really "my space"/guest room.

The good news? I should have a job offer by the end of next week. Hopefully.

Trying to hold back ...

2009-03-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have butterflies in my stomach in the anticipation of two job interviews today. I've done my background research, I've taken my shower, I have an idea of what I'm wearing and my interview is 2.5 hours away.

Relief at $300 a week

2009-03-08T11:30:00.003-07:00

The good news is that I got unemployment! I wasn't sure I would qualify due to my temporary status at my old job for the last 11 months, but it turns out I do. That's a bit of a relief - I mean, it's not going to pay all the bills or anything at $300 a week, but it does pay rent, electricity and my car payment.

I can't help but think what America has come to these days. Are we really this close to a collapse of the economy? HOW did this happen? I going into more of a deficit really the answer? Obama must feel like he is Roosevelt - either the savior or the slayer of America.

In other notes, my puppy is humungus. Okay, the peeps at the Humane Society really know nothing about puppies. 35lbs my ass - she surpassed that at 5 months old. I can't believe she'll already be a year next month, screw that - I can't believe I've been with the BF almost 2!

Relief at $300 a week

2009-03-08T11:30:00.002-07:00

Quitting.

2009-03-08T11:30:00.001-07:00

God damn it. All I want is a freaking cigarette. It's raining outside, I can't just go for a run to get my mind off of things. I've actaully reorganized our pantry - it has a snack shelf for goodness sake. I'm just getting irritated.

To add to irritation levels I have to make two cheesecakes for next week and it turns out I've only bought enough for one which means I have to go back and get the ingredients, but I suppose I should wait to see what other little things need to be picked up this week.

So I got a netbook, hence re-picking up the blog. I love it. Originally I bought an Asus but it only ran Linux - so I went back ang picked up a Saphirre Aspire One for $40 more. The keyboard is bigger and it's more comfortable. Not to mention the blue matches my Kate Spade purse I got from the BF for Christmas.

On the topic of the job front, I'm just kind of irritated with the search. I hate this economy, but I guess I have to take what I can get - oh crap, that reminds me I have to apply for unemployment today ...

One Year Later and It's Back in the Same Boat

2009-03-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

The economy, the economy, the economy. God Bless Mr. Bush's wake of disaster and the omnimous pieces that Mr. Obama is trying to pick up, yet scaring all of those who voted for him into a wake of what have we done. I was let go from my job again. The good news is that I have interviews which not many can say in these economic times, the bad news is that I will have to settle for a job at least 12,000 less than I make now.

I'm still with the BF, also known at TW and he's the same old same old. Just when I think he's different - I lost my job and he became EXTRA supportive, he turns the same key. Rent was late because he needed to go to a Bucks game with his kid, he's keeping tabs on anything having to do with "us" expecting to tab up my half and when I went to the grocery store he told me he wouldn't be paying for his half and he'd "take it off my tab." I get lectures every day about being unemployed and what I need to do during my time off, etc. etc. Of course this asshole streak really seems to come out when in fact he's, well, been in mine.

What is it with that? I finally give in every couple of weeks and give him anal. I deal with the cramping and all the after effects of him getting off in my ass and he becomes a dominant jack ass. We got in a huge fight last time as he kept referring to my haircut as the "unemployment cut" at poker and kept bringing up the fact that I could do dirty work for friends since I "had nothing better to do." I told him we were not ever having anal again since he becomes a giant dick and if he had ever wanted it again he better start treating me like a queen after.

Let's Just Say -

2008-11-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

Let's just say you are a female and have a female best friend. Then you meet a boy. The three of you hang out a lot. Your friend gets tickets to a game that will need a road trip, but your at work and haven't gotten back to her. You get home and your boyfriend mentions that she called him and invited him.

Do you have the right to be pissed? Because I'm livid. Doesn't matter if he goes or not. I'm pissed that they both thought it was okay to go together. Not to mention he fucked his ex wife's best friend and she knows that too.

No More Candy! And Ummm, Target what are you thinking?

2008-10-27T19:53:00.001-07:00

It started with 20 bags. That should be enough right? Roughly 30-40 pieces each bag, we'd have plenty left over for us. 1:00 the trick-or-treating begins. 1:30 I need to run to the store and purchase more, prior to leaving I bring two more hidden bags out and a 1/2 a bag of dum dums. But it's not enough. Kids are being BUSSED in. Freak. By the time I get back my friend helping me out had to hand out individual Kisses (Candy Corn - doesn't sound good, but is). 12 more bags. 12 more. Buys us another 45 minutes but there is still 1:45 left. A sign went on the door.

Also - anyone else notice this?

I'm sure you've seen this email ...

I'm a little buzzed after a charity function and I go to Target - figuring my dog would be super cute in a costume (she was a rooster). On the way out, I start busting out laughing. Domo (the monster) is the new spokesperson for target. Umm, doesn't anyone do research?

Now I do know that Domo is a Japanese character, yah-dah-yah-dah. But no one in that pitch meeting thought, "That's the masturbating monster that kills kittens?" That's what I thought right away!

New ventures.

2008-10-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

I accidentally flopped onto this whole free lance consulting business where people just want my ideas - and will pay me for it. I'm considering starting an LLC and launching it. Why not? Especially with the temp gig in the balance of ending and the economy in the shitter (guess that's 2 reasons also on why not too!)

I'm not good for nothing

2008-10-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Oh no ... definitely not nothing.

For my dad its work
For my sister its whatever sh*t she's selling this week or holding a party for ...
For my little brother it's driving his a** around and paying for everything he does
For my mom its money I don't have that "Must be spent at Poto - because" she's depressed (note: vehement no's, movies and dinner won't replace it)
For my boyfriend it's groceries and bill payments ahead of time

On average I'm worth about $100 ...

Sniffle, Sniffle - it's almost winter

2008-10-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

Not sure if its the onions or the season but I'm awfully sniffly right now. I'm sure it didn't help that I traced back and forth work today, inside and out.

How can it be scarf season already? Don't get me wrong - I love my scarves and my sweaters, it just crept up so quick.

The heat got turned on yesterday, which was good because god knows I'm not getting up to shower when its freezing in the morning!!

Heroes Recap ... Don't read if you didn't see.

2008-10-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

WTF? Really, WTF?

Okay - so Daphne has something to hide. Is she Molly's mom? Because Matt does tell Molly to "get your sister" in the future and Molly has never called him Dad. But, Molly's parents both had powers because Sylar sliced them both open ...

Okay, and Peter's Dad is the leader of the villains, which means Angela Petrelli is the leader of the good guys? Huh? Go with it - Nathan doesn't have genetic powers. Peter's original power did involve dreams (remember he dreamt his dad flied? And dreamt about Simone's - remember her - dad. That he got from Mommy. And he can absorb ... that's Dad's power too. And Sylar has to get into people's heads ... kind of Dad's power (nice sub too - turns out in the preview we learn Sylar is Angela & Mr. Petrelli's son ... weird). Peter doesn't have any powers now ... so no hunger. Which means Sylar is the only guy to stop dear old Pop since he can put him against the wall and slice him open, but Sylar doesn't want to use his power anymore because of the hunger.

I'm so confused ...

The Changeling

2008-10-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the previews? It's based on a true story ... a sad story... The Wineville Chicken Murders. Turns out this guy molested and killed up to 20 boys on the Wineville Chicken Ranch.

A mother of a missing boy, one who may have been one of the killed boys, was coerced into believing another boy was her son - although she denied it every time they told her he was. Her son was never found and the boy was not her's.

Such a terrible story; however, why can't they DNA test the remains and find out the truth?

Shouldn't I know?

2008-10-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'm on the verge of 28 - shouldn't I know what I want out of life? Love, marriage, kids. I have no perception, I have teeter-totting emotions. One day, I see a little baby in a stroller and the doting parents and I think - That's what I want. Then there's a screaming child and other rug rats running around and I think the BF should get a vasectomy. I have no want to be stuck in a marriage, but the sight of a wedding dress makes me swoon and when looking at wedding pictures I think that I want that happy day.

But yesterday, in a moment of pure talking, I posed the question to the BF - who said he didn't want marriage or kids.

And then I didn't know what to say. I should know really what I want, but in this sense I have no option. Stay and never have the kids that I don't know I want. Stay and never have the photos of a happy day.

I love him insanely - but if you're that in love, shouldn't you know what you want your end result to be?

Cat and dog fights

2008-10-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Today was my dad's birthday, which meant the regular old spending time with the family. I don't like letting my little pupster stay home, so my dad gave me permission to bring her along with and let her run about with his three dogs.

Everything was going quite well ... until my sister came over. In normal fashion she would just criticize everything that people said and did. See in her head, she's better than everyone, but in truth - everyone is afraid of her.

One day I was walking with my three year old niece and I asked her how she liked it at my sister's house (she's not her real mom - her real mom died when she was just a few months old and my sister is raising her). She told me that she was mean, and that she "just says yes a lot to she doesn't yell."

I'm the usual door mat of my family, the relative kicked dog. Everyone knows they'll just tell me to do something and I'll do it. My sister is the worst of them all. To start off, I was going to make taco dip - she called the next day and said she was already making it, I needed to make something else. I told her I would.

The dogs went about their own way, fighting every once in awhile - especially my dominant pooch and my dad's. It was dog fitting haven, constant dog downs and what nots. Of course, my sister had to blame every nip and growl on my puppy.

I had it.

The dog fights erupted into one serious cat fight. I finally stood up for myself and told her to shut it. Probably not the appropriate place and/or time, but I did it anyway, I couldn't take much more of it - the criticism that she's-always-right. My family was astonished and I was told to be quiet in the hopes of good time.

But how much should you take? When does it stop? How long should she go on being the queen of the roost?

Political Debate

2008-10-12T17:20:00.001-07:00

I'm not one to openly talk about politics, what I believe won't change what you think. But this election is so important that you can't help but discuss.

I don't think McCain or Obama is bad. I am an Obama backer though. It's the VPs in this election that terrify me. Palin and Biden. Eeck. I trust the hands of America in either Presidential candidate; however, I trust it in neither of the VPs hands and that makes me VERY unsure of who to elect.

Biden can't keep his mouth shut and Palin, well - to me she's not right for the job.

My major issues with Palin go around her lack of foreign affairs and her beliefs in birth control. Seriously? Abstinence only is what you believe when your 17 year old comes home pregnant? It kills me that she's being branded as a mother going through an ordeal, when other mother's with teenagers that are pregnant are branded under the guise that they are bad parents. I'm not saying that teenagers that learn about condom usage are guaranteed to use them, I'm just saying that its better to say it than to hide the fact.

I'll get in to more when I get back.

Sigh of relief!

2008-10-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

I might get to keep my computer! Wa-hoo!

After scouring eBay for the last three days, I found a decent machine that will need minor upgrades and won't bust my pocketbook in half for my friend! In fact, the machine will actually be BETTER than mine - but sentimental value says a lot!

Seeing Red.

2008-10-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've made substantial changes within the last few months but I haven't made one. Due to lack of funds I haven't bought clothes or gotten my hair done. I've been noticing over and over the scraggly hairs from the lack of strong conditioning and color - so I decided to box it.

Over the suggestion of the BF I opted for a red color - a color I actually despise, and it turns out - it actually looks pretty darn good! Although the BF said it was more orange than red, I don't care - I still like it.

As for the laptop debacle - I may have found a solution, though it may cost more than its worth. I'm having problems parting with it - it was a gift from my dad. It still has about $200 of cosmetic repairs needed, but its kind of a more emotional connection. Anyway, I've been searching on the internet for a duplicate that I could give to her instead. I figure it will cost me about $200 more than what she paid - but I'll give it to her as part of her birthday present. That way the transfer of files would go smoothly and we both end up with one. But then I think that's $400 that I could put into a new machine - of course, I'd have to wait for the other grand to come pulling in.

Decisions, decisions.

Oh Time Flies.

2008-10-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

My computer took a nosedive in June, leaving me without a machine to blog on and for some reason I couldn't get my mobile blogging hooked up.

Guess I'll give you a lot to read!

I think I'm still bitter. I have found out over the last few months that my former employer isn't quite saying the nicest things about me - and while expected, I often listened to her canter even about employees who were on the "good" list while there, it still hurts - no matter what she says I did extremely well for that company. I have heard that I lied and cheated clients (beyond untrue), was sexually promiscuous with clients (again, not true - read the prior posts!), was "unethical" in my business practices (still not even sure what the heck would qualify as this) and unreliable (I beat the other sales persons sales the last three months there). I've also heard canter about my body weight, dress, etc. It really makes you wonder about people that were supposed to be your friends. I've also been abandoned by most of our mutual friends and acquaintances due to their chosen loyalty with the former.

Yet I'm still making referrals to them. And not even getting thanked or response emails.

I moved in with the BF - and love it. I took the plunge, unsure about the consequences. The worst that could happen would be we break up, I move out. But we're not even close. On the days he doesn't work and I do, I feel like I come home to a "wife" - he does the laundry (even folds it!) and cleans the house. If I'm having a long day - he cooks dinner and makes sure I have a cocktail. I have dinner ready when he gets home and am in charge of the dishes, I fall asleep before him and he snuggles into bed. Communication is at the highest, sex is more often and its nice to not be at home alone.

I'm also in charge of the dog. I got a puppy! A lean mean shepherd machine. We got a dog at the end of June - a cute little mischievous four legged licker.

I am in love with my job, but its still temporary. Its completely different than anything I've been in charge of. Its "open communication" - literally. There's no hidden meetings, silent agendas, email exchanges. If something is wrong its addressed with out the collection of five other people. I feel confident in my writing again, my articles have been nationally published. I get to run events - and my ideas and opinions count. When the VP of the company (who you didn't think even knew your name) finds you to tell you that you're doing great - the feeling is incredible! I'm still on contract though, until the end of December, so I'm still on a bed of nails of what will happen then. I get paid decent, but after insurance, 401K, etc it's not that much more.

I'm 3 cigs away from being a non-smoker. No more high stress environment also means no relief needed from smoking. The last 10 years I've smoked and I'm gradually quitting, down to around 3 a day.

I don't really drink anymore. Hold that tone! Nope - I honestly don't drink that much anymore. I can't even remember the last point of intoxication.

I feel a little screwed on the loss of my laptop. I'll admit, I had given up on its rescue and stupidly said to a friend that if it could be saved, she could have it for the cost of repairs after my file recoveries. I didn't realize that it could get fixed so cheap - $270.00 with a new hard drive. She gave me $200 for the machine, I could have sold it for $500 on Craigslist or eBay with its new maxed out hard drive, but I couldn't afford to pay the guy right away for the repairs and she could. So I took a $70 scrap out of my personal pocket for pretty much nothing. I am on the search for an affordable new laptop.

And with that note, my night is done for now. I will blog pretty much every day until my files are all burned to a disk and I turn in my baby to my friend.

All Snug in the Rug?

2008-06-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well, moved into the new place with the BF. The first nights have been great - the stuff out of his mouth really makes me realize that this was a good decision --- but then there's the opposite. For instance, I've gotten a lack of sleep over the last few nights and we were out with friends - he wanted to go out afterwards, we drove in one car. And I'm tired. Exhausted.

So I suggested he went out w/o me - leading to the sweet comment "it won't be fun without you" I said I'd go out for an hour, but he knew how tired I was and said I could just go home - then decided to go out. Upon getting home he decided not to go out so I'm completely torn - it was a good answer but now I feel like I might get the flack from stopping him to go out.

Just one of many tails I'm sure I'll encounter on this venture.

This is a BLOG.

2008-06-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, let me explain. This is not fiction, this is my life. This is my diary, except under the scrutiny of other people's eyes.

Why was I oh-so-great about my BF and then changed my mind? (A) There's a lot of space between posts and (B) because it's how I feel on any given day. Trust me, I can love him and hate him one hour apart.

And my last post was more about nerves than anything else, which I thought I kept mentioning but apparently not. My BF is great, but just like any person on the verge of the next big step, you wonder if it is the right choice.

As for my timeline, I apologize. I don't know what to say - there's not really any fantasy on this thing. It's mostly because I used to post every day, but lacking internet I try to catch people up on things and the information might get garbled.

Why did some of my posts disappear? Inside information. I tend to write on emotion before thinking things through and unfortunately there's a hand full of people who know about this blog that I wish didn't - like my ex-employer. There's just information that I don't need them to know in hindsight, especially with shared acquaintances that fill me in on what she has said about me now that I've left. So that's the straight up facts. And I'm sorry if it irks you, but this is my space to write how I feel.

If you're wondering where this is coming from - it's the rather rude Anonymous comment that I received this morning on the previous post. I do think I might know who it is that wrote it, which again makes me very happy that I've deleted things ...

Now on to other things. I switched jobs about a week ago, I'm doing PR now for a very large company. It's a temp gig but I was over the weird hours of the last job. Now I'm a 7-4:30 girl with plenty of time for me, which makes me a happy camper.

The sex thing is in check - I mean three times in one day in check. I think we'll be okay, he has a completely different libido than me but it's calming to know that he's not just interested in the "inside of me" he's interested in the inside of me. Although 2 more times a week would be okay with me.

This weather is driving me batty, one day it's 60 the next it's 80. It was 84 WITH storms today. Ick :(

I'm getting more comfortable with the move. It's still scary, thinking that for the first time in 6 years I'll be living with someone instead of on my own, first time in 8 years I'll be sleeping with someone in my bed every night. But I can do it.

Things to consider.

2008-06-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still kind of freaking about the moving ... here's the thing, at our new house the BF has claimed the basement as his man zone, his son's room is the full upstairs, everything else is shared territory. This being said, all things that I own and care for will then become "ours" - including my baby. He won't just be my cat anymore, he'll be our cat.

And there's the whole sex thing. I'm lucky if we have sex once a week and it's ordinary sex, I swear he hasn't even seen my tits in 3 or 4 months. This really isn't the kind of sex I prefer or the amount ... I keep thinking, "We're not even living together yet ..."

Some people are telling me that it's just nerves, other people are saying that if I'm having second thoughts to not do it ... you gotta love contradictory advice.

I love my BF, I really do, with all my heart. I can see us having babies and living together BUT I sometimes wonder if that isn't returned. His world has always been him and only him ... for instance, if I had to have serious surgery on a Tuesday night - would he give up poker? Nope. If we were on the phone at night and the line suddenly went dead, what would he do? Probably roll over and go back to sleep. Unfortunately those are real answers...

I mean there are the sweet things, he's paying for more things now that I'm in a money situation, he made dinner the other night just out of the blue ... but in truth do I want to be with him more than he wants to be with me?

There has been only one time in my life where I was wanted more than I was wanting - I was 22 and in the best shape of my life - but I was also on hiatus from any kind of relationship and from sex. I'm pondering how I can get that feeling back - but let's face it, that was some 5 years ago now and I don't have the lifestyle to even equip myself to getting back into my old shape - although I've been considering it.

You see, at 22 I worked 2nd shift. I would get up, work out for 4-5 hours, go to work, maybe eat a little salad, go out and drink, get trashed, wake up and repeat. Even if I could fit in that kind of workout again - it's not feasible to than go out and get trashed, because I start work at 7:30.

There's certain things that constitutes feelings of being wanted for me. This includes spontaneity, sexual desire, respect and romance. As long as one or two things are in play - I'm pretty happy. When no things are in play, I'm not.

Spontaneity is that whole, "I'm coming to get you and we're doing this ..." or coming home and there's dinner ready, or the whole pack-your-things-we'll-be-in-Italy-by-6:00 (the last has never happened).

Sexual desire is just what it says, wanting to have sex with the other person. For me it should be around 4-5 times a week at the bottom end. And it's not just the quickie kind of sex, it's the man-handling kind where clothes are all over the place and you can't even make it up the stairs. It's the kissing and the grabbing. It's not the kind of sex you expect every day, be once a month is always enough to make a girl feel wanted.

Than there's respect - like saying you'll do something and doing it or even just calling to say that it can't happen. For instance, you wouldn't leave someone at a bar without saying you're leaving and if you're out getting trashed with out the other person, a courtesy text or call to let them know that you got home safe. There's also the, "Okay I f*cked up" thing which can be settled the next morning (like a response to a bunch of texts from the night before that you never responded too).

And then there's romance. Of course there's those huge gestures of flowers and gifts, but then there's also the little things... for instance, there was this older couple walking down the street holding hands that just made my heart swoon and made me think - is that going to be me in 50 years? There's the sweet things like saying someone looks good, smells good, etc. There's picking up the tab or doing something that maybe you really don't want to do in exchange for something they do. There's the fact that you're maybe moving because you want to and not because you have to.

Let me stop to care.

2008-05-31T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm in a weird mood today. I blame it on STC.

I realized the BF is completely Big and as I watched his and Carrie's story play out on the big screen I couldn't help praying for the happy ending because it seemed so familiar. We move in 2 weeks. I showed my apartment today, most likely it's rented. It dawned on me, there is no "my place" anymore. I had a bit of a panic attack - is this really okay? Could I afford to keep it on the side, no.

I'm not sure what the future brings anymore.

Been away so long, so long.

2008-05-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

The truth is with out the fancy work-ordered machine I haven't been able to steal my internet connection - so I apologize for no posts!

The new job is freaking great. I'm not screwing people for education - I'm helping them advance themselves and change their lives. It's nice sleeping at night. I got my first potential student today! I'm meeting with them tomorrow at 5:30. It's all freaking roses.

I wish there was something dramatic to report - me and the BF have never been better. Oh the wasted time on misplaced stress. I can't wait to move in with him.

My whole life is different - and it's only been a month. Wonder what the year will bring!

Tuesday Morning.

2008-04-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

Hey it's Tuesday. Funny, time flies when you're ... umm, "seeking new career opportunities" as the legal documents say.

This morning I get to head over to the new place and fill out my HR paperwork, that and verify that I passed the background and credit checks. Funny how that makes me nervous. With all the crap I went through 2 years ago with the old fiance I never know how that will pan out. Obviously the credit is not spectacular. At least I know my background checks out. I did assure them of the biggest shocker on the documents, which she said was no issue.

Of course, you know something is going to happen when you don't have money coming in - that's right ANOTHER flat tire.

I must have hit a pothole and cut the side of the tire, because it wasn't a nail like I thought. That, or my dealer just likes me coming in every two weeks and ponying up $200 for a freaking tire. Yesterday, the dude on the phone said it would be $218 with tax, I had to correct him - obviously I just coughed up the damn money for the other tires two weeks ago and the total is actually $186.89.

To top it off, my spare was also flat. Not cool. The BF has been my chauffer. So we played golf yesterday after the car got towed to the dealer. Now I just wait for my independence to come back at the hands of Boucher.

Otherwise life has been quite boring, not much to report. Things are still going well with the BF - except this no-job thing killed my sex drive quite a bit. I should be pumping like bunnies, but instead it's been 3 days - going on 4.

Ah well.

Getting back to me.

2008-04-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how being unhappy in such an effect on everything in your life. It's been fantastic to be away from my old job. Me and the BF have never been better, I've lost weight, I've gotten more sleep. It's also nice to see how many people care.

I feel like I'm back to me - I'm funny again, I'm relaxed, it's so nice to be happy.

I am incredibly looking forward to the new job, the hours are a bit crazy - but that's okay. The pay - oh my - so much better in the long run. There will be no required networking, which means anything I choose to be a part of won't be a show. Work stays at the door, and will stay at the door.

I got a brand new spanking Blackberry, which is the answer to my prayers (why didn't we have these at the old job? They're kick a**) - I'm getting re-organized.

The BF & I have had a really great two weeks and he's mentioned that things have changed with us - it's back to what it was before I started hating my job. It's amazing to have him here. I can't believe that I almost threw it away.

We're looking at houses and I feel like this is the best decision, not in the convincing way that I used to have to do, but in the down-in-the-gut good feeling. We looked at this cute brick house that I want so bad! But, I promised we'd look at one more at least.

I'm back to me!

I get my hair done today and I'm going the gym!

I didn't want to say anything yesterday ...

2008-04-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

It wasn't in writing yesterday. It was today. I got a job :) LOL!

That "A-Thump-A-Thump" is my Heart

2008-04-14T07:31:00.001-07:00

Ugh. This is what I dread - work. Normally something little like this wouldn't phase me, but the recent month has had me at the edge of my seat just waiting for the next explosion. And I'm sure in some sense I made it worse, but in another - I was just doing what I was told.

A late registration came in Friday while I was at the car dealer (again). By the time I got to the office at 2:00 I was playing catch up and accidentally overlooked the late registration - for Monday morning.

In one sense I'm set to argue, "He didn't tell me!" because part of his job is to make sure the registrations are processed timely. In the other sense (and the path I chose), I apologized, offering the weak argument that I was gone until 2:00 and he left at 3:00 without even looking at the registration.

To bite the bullet, I forwarded his rather smart-remark to MM3 with a lose apology ...

I'll just forward this to you now since I know it'll be talked about.

I was at the car dealer when this came over on Friday and I missed it prior to his leaving that day, I could have sworn (but it's not backed up in email) that I asked him on Friday if we were all caught up on blue sheets and there was no mention of it prior to him leaving. I understand it's not his job; however, to make sure I do mine.

I apologized for missing it.

I completely understand that our office has moved from free-spirited, talk-to-each other mentality to full-throttled who-will-tell-first and this was my attempt at counteracting what I already knew took place in the office while I was out.

I also offered this (with both head bosses bcc'd) to him in attempt of remorse:

That's two short emails from you this morning. Is there something going on that I'm not fully aware of that's making you angry with me?

I do understand that I missed the sheet, I moved it mistakenly to my Information folder thinking I had done it - but apparently had not. Not that it's any excuse, but I also thought we spoke about sheets on Friday and we were squared away? I could be mistaken, I was working on a lot of events that day.

I apologize in advance for whatever I did to make you upset before this as well. Please let me know what it is so I can work in the future towards your best interests.

This is what I HATE. I should not fear my job, my heart should not race, I should not be sick to my stomach anticipating what will happen to me when I arrive tomorrow morning.

Part of me is so irate - I've worked so hard to change a $3K business into a $30K business (that's A MONTH folks), I haven't argued at pay set back's, budget decreases, expense decreases (now if I take a client out - it's on my bill 98% of the time), I've dealt with more people coming on and more responsibilities going away and what I do is still not good enough.

I've also set the pace so that when I leave the business will still thrive. It's become a $20K inside-sales business on its own; honestly, taking away some of the joy of karma upon my absence.

Two years ago it was fun to go to work. It was easy to talk to each other, it was easy to award each other. There was no "coaching meetings" every 2-3 weeks to talk about what issues arose, there wasn't even monthly staff meetings. I loved my job.

Now I need a Tums.

Before I wanted to leave because I wanted the opportunity to grow and make more money, now I'm willing to take a $5K cut in pay to just get out.

Oh tangled-web.

Hmmm.

2008-04-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Micromanagement is a management style where a manager closely observes or controls the work of their employees, generally used as a derogatory term.[citation needed] In contrast to giving general instructions on smaller tasks while supervising larger concerns, the micromanager monitors and assesses every step, and avoids delegation of decisions. Micromanagement is often easily recognized by employees, but micromanagers rarely view themselves as such.

Micromanagement is a management style where a manager closely observes or controls the work of their employees, generally used as a derogatory term.[citation needed] In contrast to giving general instructions on smaller tasks while supervising larger concerns, the micromanager monitors and assesses every step, and avoids delegation of decisions. Micromanagement is often easily recognized by employees, but micromanagers rarely view themselves as such.

That's what's going on! Micromanagement from 3 sides. I talked with 2 other employees yesterday and they vented the same frustrations.

Expectations.

2008-04-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

One of my friends in from out of town decided she’s setting a list of expectations for her next FWB experience. As I was showering I had to make myself laugh - it’s actually a REALLY good idea. I think it should be implemented in all areas of life. Decisions would be so much easier since things were established beforehand and you can’t let crazy feelings like love or loyalty get in the way.

For instance, let’s say his list says this:

My expectations are ...
1. You pay for everything.
2. I don’t have to work, you can support me.
3. We should have sex 3-4 times a week.
4. You must throw me a birthday party.
5. Valentines day, sweetest day are null & void.
6. When I’m in the band, I’m single and can’t be held accountable for my actions.
7. I will spend no time at your place
8. If you want to see me/spend time with me - you’ll have to come here.
9. I’ll introduce you to a bunch of cool people, you must look hot.
10. You cannot exceed 100 calories a day.

That would have been my ex-boyfriend’s list. Had I known about the expectations ahead of time, I probably would have declined his invitation for coffee. But that’s extreme, in reality my dating list might look like:

1. If you choose to date me, you cannot be on any dating/sex hook up sites after the established time of girlfriend/boyfriend or 5 months out (whatever is sooner).
2. I will be more than happy to pay for 1/2 the time. In fact, I plan on it.
3. If I’m in a dress, I expect you’ll at the very minimum say I look nice. Words like "sexy" and "hot" are great alternatives.
4. I do not have a "great personality" - I know what that means.
5. I want spontaneity - routine is great 75% of the time
6. You should make me laugh or smile at the minimum.
7. Try your best to make my friends like you, their opinion matters more than anything. Especially 5 of them.
8. Sex should be incurred 4-5 times a week, minimum.
9. I don’t like to ask you to do anything more than 3 times - this is how I go crazy.
10. You should stay (or offer to stay) at my house at least once a week.
11. Must love cats.
12. I should be fun.
13. Don't use the phrase, "I can pay - I guess."

So it’s a pretty relatively easy list - but there’s lots of breakers in there... Maybe you hate cats. Maybe you’ve realized that you don’t listen - so 3 times doesn’t seem reasonable. Maybe you hate sex. Maybe you love routine ALL of the time. So after initially meeting, I could hand you the list and you could say, "I can’t do all these things - but you’re great, let’s hang out. (omission of great personality - nice call pretend guy)"

Or maybe things could be a little negotiated from the get go and I get to make the decision - "5 people to like me is a big number" - okay, maybe 3- just win them over. "Can you ask 4 times?" Sure, I can ask 4 times.

And than maybe everything looks great - so you’re in. I mean, I’d have to see your list, but depending on those results, it could be awesome.

And than maybe 6 months down the road, you’ve been boyfriend/girlfriend for 4 months and - oh, you’re on a dating site, so I call you out on it and let you know, "Well, according to my expectation list - I don’t find this behavior acceptable."

This is great leveraging points for people that make really bad relationship choices, like myself (really, that would have been my ex-boyfriend of TWO YEARS’s list).

But alas, I think the check list works much better for FWB than relationships. I also don’t think it’s a fad that will catch on.

He's going for it.

2008-04-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

I talked with the BF around 10:00 - he's going to go for it - he said that he's going to take what my friends say about him to prove he wants to be with me. And just that saying means that they won't say anything.

So on that front ... I need to stop at the bank and get some quarters!! Opening day is just 2 days away!

Go Brewers!

Fight for it.

2008-04-02T07:22:00.001-07:00

One of the biggest problems (I did say ONE) I have with the BF is that he doesn't fight for us. He lets me walk away, he doesn't run after me. On Saturday I brought this up to him and he said it's not his way.

Well, Friday is Opening Day and we'll see if he finally does. Five of my overprotective friends will be with us on Opening Day - it's his decision on whether or not to face them or to walk away. I'm hoping he faces them.

See, when the drinks are pouring people have a way of saying whatever is on their mind - and I have a feeling a couple people won't have kind words to say to him when that does happen. Most of them are expecting a sudden illness on Friday morning.

I'm really hoping he decides that he's going to go - no matter what - and prove to my friends that he's there for me.

But we'll see ...

Crap.

2008-03-27T07:37:00.001-07:00

This is a multi crap post.

Number One - Remember my anal post? Is it going to be all about anal from now on? Apparently so. I wasn't even horny last night (rare occasion) but he was. Granted the regular sex was pretty damn good, but then he goes right for the ass. Come on now!

Number Two - In the sense that my boss is on MySpace and I've put a couple random blogs up that she's brought up in our meetings, I've opted to go into increased security mode. I deleted everyone that I work with from there and put up a privacy wall. Not my friend? Can't see it dude. That way I don't have to worry about my bitching coming back to bite me. I still maintained the friendships on Facebook since I don't blog there.

Number Three - I parked in the lot this morning by my house, quickly changed and came out at 8:05 - just to see the meter maid pulling away and another $20 ticket on my car. Fabulous.

Number Four - I had my outfit all picked out. I went to put on my shirt and my cat did something completely out of context - he had peed on it. Even though I obviously didn't wear it, I'm paranoid that I smell.

Number Five - I'm not feeling so hot. My throat hurts and I'm sniffley. One of the dudes I work with has strep - I better not have gotten it.

Number Six - Can I go home??

Did you call it?

2008-03-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

You're so good you should put money on my posts.

I wish I would have left my job.

Sigh.

But I'll keep looking!

The Yes Man.

2008-03-25T09:03:00.001-07:00

Over the years I've developed into quite the Yes Man, and now I'm reaping what I sowed. Especially when it comes to family. You see, when my parents split some 15 years ago they divided up the holidays; however, if you dare not show up at Mom's on Thanksgiving (even though it's Dad's holiday) she's not going to talk to you until after Christmas. And when we proposed alternate holidays (Christmas on the 27 - yup, I'd even offer to give up my birthday), the response? "Have the other people move their holiday."

It's getting ridiculous now that I've been with the BF for 9 months. It's get up, go to his, go to my number one, go to my number two, go home, go to bed. 1/2 the day is in the car. It's gotten to the point where I'm about ready to accept the silent treatment and fall from grace so that I can have a moment of free time to myself. I mean, his family is the same way too - no budging. And we definitely can't combine the holidays.

The other thing is our Vegas vacation. That's a whole lot of "yes, mam" as well - I go with my mom - she wants to move, you move. She wants to eat, you eat. You do nothing without permission. Sleep in? Nope - she wakes up early. Well, this year the boyfriend wants to go (and let's revist the cruise - probably won't see him for a second) so I told him to bring a friend because it's the only way I can possibly balance the two people and make them both happy.

The downfall? Where do I come in? This is my vacation technically and I want my boyfriend there, I want to experience his first time there. It's a me & mom thing though, so she's throwing a fit and doing the guilt trip on how she'll just stay home - but I want her to be there so I have someone to hang out with. But these wants just don't seem to matter in the sense of balancing everyone.

I think I'm going to approach the BF with coming down on Sunday and not Saturday - that way me and mom have a day and a half to ourselves and he doesn't have to take an extra vacation day. Then he'll come down and come back with us.

I don't know .... advice??

Anonymus Blogging.

2008-03-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Yung and Easily Freudened: Stupid. Bitch.

This is why I still choose to post Anonymously.

I've read a lot of posts about blogging with out divulging who you are and how it ruins your "cred" - but if you're putting it all out there like we do, sometimes you have to.

Truth be told, it's pretty damn easy to know who I am if you know me - I mean that's how D figured it out.

I couldn't imagine what the BF would do if he found out about this!

The truth about Anal.

2008-03-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

This will be TMI for those of you faint at heart - because I wish that I could have found something as blunt as this before Sunday.

I have had anal sex in the past, but for the last 9 months haven't been able to do it no matter the coaxing. The first time I did it I was with what was supposed to be my fiance. A lot of lube and a bit of a sore butt later, I told myself I'd never do it again - and he had a pretty small cock. But the key was, I could do it because it was thin, not much girth. I got into a bit of drugs as well and ended up doing it completely stoned - this helped with the process. Majorly.

In the last few months the BF has done all he could to coax me into going butt up and letting him in. I've been wasted and it hasn't happened, I've been sober and it hasn't happened. I've wanted it to happen, but it hasn't. We've lubed, we've spit, we've done all things possible, but the tip went in, it hurt, I screamed, he freaked, I'd say if he really wanted it - he should just find someone else. It's not that his dick is huge - it's not that big. Average I'd have to say. It's a decent width, decent length. He's definitely bigger than the two that I've had it with - but still it's not something I'd write home to Mom about or anything, nor take pictures and fantasize.

I digress. So the dirty truth is I really needed to cum on Sunday morning. I was stir crazy. He looked so damn hot laying in bed, hair messed up, those baby blues looking at me in the morning. He did that breathing thing on my neck and it was like "Game on!" I jumped all about. He'd get hard, and then it would turn out that all that drinking dried me out really bad. But I had some lube in my purse and down I went to get it. I came back up, we started to have sex, I dried out. I was ticked.

That's when it dawned on me that the only time I ever came with the fiance was when we had anal sex (yes, just that once). I was desperate, I'd work through the pain, I just needed to cum. I looked at him, "where's the lube?"

"You're too dry sweetheart." His response.

"Fuck me in the ass."

I swear just the "a" came out of my mouth and he was lubed up and ready, hard as a rock. The truth is that phrase made him even harder than he'd ever been, which, by the way, makes his dick A LOT bigger than usual. Fuck.

He wanted to be slow and gentle, I told him to just do it. And he did. The pain was excruciating. I jumped like a Mexican jumping bean. Wiping the tears from my eyes I told him to let me do it.

It turns out that to start off it was much better with me on top. I had control of the depth and the angle. Breathe deeply. Use a lot of lube. It's gonna hurt but just get it in.

After awhile of me being in control he spun me around and propped me up doggy-style. The angle was all wrong but I just kept breathing - the shaking of my legs said it all and he told me to lie down to ease up the angle. So I did. This was much better to do, the angle was smoother but the doggy style really had me in pain. I could tell that he was about ready to cum, so I gripped the mattress and breathed as he finished up and collapsed on top of me. It wasn't but a few moments that he had been flipped on to his back and I took off for the bathroom. Just what I thought and expected - blood.

So what to expect if you're going bottoms-up for the first time ...

"Relax" isn't an option. There's a dick going in your butt. Your butt is not meant to be as flexible as your vagina. He can tell you to breath all you want but it's not going to happen.

Lube is mandatory.

Take control the first time, than let him go.

And don't expect to take a shit for a day. You'll also have gas - especially if you used a lot of lube. And it hurts when both of those happen. I bled until this morning.

Lucky bastard.

But it wasn't that bad ...

I'm just wondering if this is going to be like high school sex ... you know that first time you're with a guy and for the first 3 months you're fine with just groping each other, than you get involved with oral and that's all he wants every time you make out afterwards, than you have sex - so you pretty much have to do that all the time ... does that mean he's going to try and pop it in there EVERY TIME??

Recap o' Events.

2008-03-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Did you know that last Thursday started Spring? It was GORGEOUS. 40 plus degrees. I wanted to run REALLY bad, but couldn't do to events.

And you know what happened on Friday? 14 inches of snow. We closed the office and canceled my event. 14 damn inches.

I got off of work at 1:00 and decided I was not going to trek out to see Remmy, #1 and B - but then, I got stuck. In my alley. WAY stuck. 45 minutes stuck. The BF was out on the northside so he couldn't help out, so me and some kitty litter worked really hard on getting my tires to grip. I looked over at the parking lot and it was just the same, people stuck all over the place. I figured this was a word from above telling me to go out with my friends.

It took me about 45 minutes to drive 18 miles - but I finally arrived at Paragon for some drinking fun. Knowing the weather was bad and already having a slush-can't-see run in on the express way, I opted to take it easy ... until the BF called and I found out he was getting out of work early and would head on up to Stallis. That's when I decided drinking was a good idea - I mean, he could drive if I got trashed. So down the Captain and Cokes went.

A couple rounds of bags, a little flirtation, accidentally grabbing Remy's not-shot-glasses in his pocket, an hour long conversation with the dude next to me about car accident later I was sobered up and headed back to the BFs. He wanted sex, I wanted sleep. So that's what I did, on his couch.

About 3am I crawled into bed with him and slept soundly until he had to go to work. We both woke up incredibly horny from not really seeing each other all week. I can tell you this ... walking up to someone kissing your neck and grabbing your tits is awesome. A 20 minute romp in the sack, I was back asleep and he was off to work.

I woke up around 10am and headed home, did a little shopping and then got ready for the Pit's 1st year anniversary. I got the BF's, prepped the appetizers for Easter and watched Marquette lose by one point - than it was off to the Pit.

There was a pizza eating contest and lots of music, to which my lovely BF serenaded the whole bar and danced like a white dude. Too many mixed cocktails later, we decided it was a good idea to go to the casino.

4:30 in the morning later and $80 down, we headed home - climbed into bed and promptly snored ourselves to sleep, knowing in just a couple hours the race to each other's families was on.

We woke up at 10:00 and I couldn't wait to get it on. It had been over a week since I came and I needed it before I smiled joyfully at my family and talked about work and "what's new" twenty times over. About an hour into messing around I was disappointed in the hangover sex and looked at the BF who, as always, was joking that he wanted to throw it in my butt. "Fine. But I need to cum."

See the post above.

I ran home, changed into my dress and flipped open my phone as R called. She was at my door and wanted to get a shot at the High. She's done so much for me that I couldn't say no. So on went the strappy sandals and the spring dress and over to the bar. "Happy Easter!" Shot glass in the air, down the hatch and into my car I went.

Right in front of the gas station my "almost out of gas" light pops on and I pull up to the pump - only to see my tire is out of air. Shit.

Over the snow bank I go in my sandals and struggle to get the air hose over to my tire. Crouched in my dress the attendant comes out and fills it for me. Over to the pump and $45 bucks later I have a full tire and tank.

The BF didn't want to risk the chance of a slow leak, so we piled into his car and headed out to family one. Than to my family.

I've decided that after this it's a one-family a holiday event. I'll give up some if he will. All though he did say perhaps we could host Thanksgiving to ease it up a bit.

Clarity.

2008-03-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

So first off, I shouldn't probably blog when I'm drunk, second off, the post wasn't about the BF below but a different encounter (me being the best friend referred to in the text) and just a bit of annoyance on the part of my friend.

I'll post more later!

What NOT to say.

2008-03-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

When you’re drunk - you should NOT say:

"I can’t have sex - not because I’m tired - I’ll tell you later"

LATER COMES: "I have sores on my cock"

When talking about her best friend, and her date jokes about how she made out with him because he was drunk. Your comment in front of your girlfriend should not be "I guess I wasn’t drunk enough for her to make out with me."

ESPECIALLY IF YOU FUCKED YOUR WIFE'S BEST FRIED WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.

Oh - and not responding to the text, "I just want to be worthy of you actually loving me for me" also not smart.

In continuation ...

2008-03-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need to get a good night's sleep tonight. It's so hard to be away from your own bed. I've been sleeping on the couch since both the dogs I'm sitting for want to sleep in the bed, making no room for me. My shoulders and neck kill and even just the point of being in a weird place makes you sleep less.

Today's fun adventure began at 6am and will end around 7. The BF would really like to go to the casino tonight, but I think I'm going to pass. It just doesn't make sense to spend money I don't have at this point - plus I'd prefer to be a good dog sitter anyway.

I need to get to the gym as well. Damn it's hard juggling all of these things! I'd love to do it over lunch - but, nope, meetings. After work? Nope, meetings. Before work? Are you kidding me? I'm getting up at 5:30am in Whitefish Bay, walking the pups, leaving at 6:30am, going to my house, feeding the cat, showering, getting ready, and going to work by 8:00am.

Sleep. Please!

Kit Kat Bar.

2008-03-18T15:01:00.001-07:00

Give me a break, give me a break ...

Seriously. I'm exhausted. I'm also dog sitting this week in the hopes of having some extra cash before my $3K doctor's bills come. I wish I had the ability to see the future so I would have maxed out my Flex. Oh well, $500 is $500 towards it.

Let's see - life is boring as all hell. I can't wait for opening day.

I didn't take the job. All though the boss seemed like I should have and it's not like I got a "Please stay" incentive. Nope. Nada. Not even my fall vacation approved. But that's okay - I'm not regretting my decision, although the sales do suck this month so it's not looking like I'm getting my usual commission check.

So that's the work front. The BF front is same-old-same-old. I wish we'd do something exciting and thrilling - even if it's just a pin against the wall screw. Oh please, pin me against the wall and screw me!

Is this legal?

2008-03-12T15:24:00.001-07:00

I came home today to change before my networking meeting tonight and my apartment door is wide open, lights on, windows open (with my heat on) and no one has told me they'd be there. This is the fourth time it's happened. Each time I've called my landlord and said, by law, I get 24 hours AT LEAST.

Now I want to call him and tell him that I'm done and want out of my lease since this is a continual problem - or at the very least, if it happens again - I'm moving. I mean for goodness sake, my cat could have run out of the house.

The only thing is I don't know if that's legal and I'm not sure if it should be a phone call or not. Maybe a phone call and a letter.

Anyone know??

Standing Next to a Cheater

2008-03-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

So you’re husband spent $80K on hookers and you’re just standing by his side as he admits it to the whole entire world. What would people think?

I wouldn’t have done it. Not in a second. I would have taken a stance for women for the first time in political history and not been there as a punching bag of support. I admit that I didn’t vote for Hilary because of her reaction to Bill. I don’t stand for cheating. Never have, never will.

It’s something I can’t fully compute still and I’ve b*tched about it several times. This is what makes me distrust people. Although, I know people have their faults, it doesn’t mean I have to stand by you and look like an idiot when yours go public.

I’ve read the rhetorics - she has daughters she’s trying to protect, showing them that she’s there for their father. My response? Bull Sh*t. You’re telling your daughters that it’s okay for their husband to spend EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on high-end hookers and still be with them. Although it’s a little more far fetched - you might even be sending the signal that’s it’s okay to BE a high priced whore.

News Flash - IT’S NOT OKAY.

Even if they had sons, I feel like it would be the same message - it’s okay to cheat on your wife - look she’ll stand by your side no matter how many diseased pussies you shove your cock into. Isn’t that sweet?

I don’t buy it for a second. She’s afraid of the life she’ll lose if she leaves. The bank account, the housing, the "prestige" (although I’d argue that she’s not looking to prestigious right now). She’s standing by his side for sh*t.

This may not be what you want to hear ...

2008-03-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

The BF and I have had our moments - served up here on a silver platter for that fact. And I was at my wits end and was ready to call truce and default into friendship. With out doing much though, my friendship blossomed into what was once my love.

Strange, that a little break from BF/GF made us realize how much we care about each other and want to be together. He went from dense-fuck to over-caring boyfriend. Especially with all the seizure crap that's been going on. So while he didn't spend the night on his last poker Tuesday, he did what I never thought he'd do - make time for me with his new schedule. Call me just to talk. Tell me he wanted me to come over. Offer to drive me to doctor's appointments. Tell me he loved me every day. Be guidance, be love, be more than any girl could ask for.

And ask me to move in.

Yeah. Turns out he might have to move in summer, so do I. He threw out that perhaps we should move in together. In fact, if I could get out of my lease, maybe I should move in sooner to his house while we find a place together. Wait? What?

Being that rent was about a grand this past month w/water and gas, plus I shoveled my booty off, this doesn't seem like a bad option. As long as we see each other, have sex, we're fine. This might be fantastic.

I'm not jumping into the pond head-first, fearing that it's a fleeting moment that he's known to have, but I'm keeping the options open.

Oh, and a friend of mine has to give up his dog. I'm in LOVE with his dog. I want to take her in, but the apartment doesn't allow it. So he looked at her and he wants to take her - not because I want her, but because she's a good fit. Secondly, because it would make his son happy and thirdly, because it broke my heart and he didn't want that.

Though, on the confusing front, there's been 2 conversations in the last week where he referred to whether or not I want kids - conversations that went (to his son) "don't you want brothers and sisters?" Kid - "Yes" BF "Well tell MG to get working on that." Me - HUH?

Or at my grandpa's birthday party this past weekend when my cousin announced that she was pregnant again, he said "When are we going to have kids?" Me - HUH? "When I get a ring, a wedding and a house."

But at dinner I asked him directly, "Do you want more kids?" His response, "Probably not."

Confused. But still gracious. Kids really aren't in my game plan anyway. But he could be. Maybe.

Oh? And I've slept like crap the last 3 nights, so here I am wide awake at home when I get a text, "Sleeping okay?" ME - "Wide awake." BF - "Go to my house and sleep."

Just what I needed.

AND ON SECOND NOTE:

WOS on Dayna's blog feels that the ad she might place on his home-wrecking revelation of a 3 month old son might benefit him in the divorce. My idea? Then F*ck it. I'll place the ad. Oh - and I have lots of unappealing, double chin shots of him. And if I can't find them - I know Photoshop. Piece of shit. Don't fuck with my girl. And my ad won't be that nice!

The Old Adage.

2008-03-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

I told my boss today that I almost accepted that job - not because I wanted more money, but because I wanted her to know my dedication and hope she had the same to me. Of course, I mentioned that I would hope she would respect me enough to stop using the term "my age."

Because realistically, "when you were my age" cost of living was SIGNIFICANTLY lower. I mean, last I read, COL is up 40% in the last 10 years. Divide my income in half and that's technically what I was making at your age. Really, good money? I mean, I make a living. I get to do what I want. But I HATE THAT MY AGE is used so often. What about what I did for your company? How about saying, "You make good money for what you do."

Oh - and then she reverts back to her favorite adage which makes me never want to speak to her, "you always see the negative - that was a positive statement."

Pigs.

2008-03-09T19:36:00.001-07:00

Men are idiots. Put your dick in a whore, get her pregnant - smart move. A**

Opening day is only a couple weeks away!

Smiles Dayna! Smiles!

Pissed off the neighbor.

2008-03-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

If only this were a podcast and you could hear the angry rolling of paint against the walls in hall outside my back entrance and the angry spattering of paints on the plastic.

Yes, I narked on you.

That's right, it was for slightly selfish gains, don't get me wrong. I was hoping the work wouldn't be done, after all I would like to just move out into a humble abode where my gas/electric bills didn't total $203 for 58 degree heat or $102 for 3 minutes of hot water a day. Seriously, my total rental costs for just living this month were near $1000 - that's ridiculous, I could have a studio downtown or better yet, be developing a savings account.

So when the landlord said that "it's not within my budget" to replace the carpeting downstairs and argued against fixing the bathroom, I threw in there "Look, I'm a professional - my clothes can't smell like certain things when I go to work that the downstairs neighbors do on a regular basis." He kind of got the picture. And he did pay the maintenance guy (downstairs neighbor) to paint my walls in NOVEMBER and they still aren't done. Do I expect my new printer to be gone tomorrow when he comes into paint? Maybe.

I agreed to stay, it did dawn on me that I really have to give notice in May (60 days) - which is only, grab your seats folks, 1.5 months away. And, I bet I can negotiate an early release if there's a person interested in a 1 BR loft in the beautiful area of Bay View that doesn't mind spotted carpet and holy ceilings.

Shit. Just realized that I have to smell paint fumes tomorrow night. May have to arrange a sleep over. Poor kitty - like he doesn't get stoned off the pot enough.

Devil in a Blue Dress

2008-03-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

If someone came up to you and offered you a guaranteed 4K more than you make now, with the potential of $30K more than you make in a year and said they'd also take away a lot of the Bull Shit you deal with on a daily basis, what would you think?

Here's the basic play. A offers me a job, tells me the rate, I say no. A comes back, offers me another job. I still say no. A comes back a third time and says, "Now you can make 30K more this year than you make now."

The job is a lot less hours, a lot less bull sh*t, a higher title.

My job now has a couple perks I wouldn't see - paid cell phone, Mac computer (there it's PC), industry I love, people I know, marketing and events.

But the two key perks in question - less crap and more money - are they worth trading that in? I love events & marketing, I sell so that I can do those things and generate more business. I hate dealing with the crap that's going on lately though - it seems like every time I minutely screw up people call it to everyone's attention.

What's a girl to do?

Continuing the change.

2008-02-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

The BF did not come over Tuesday due to the on-set of a cold. It wasn't this item that ticked me off, it was that he should have said the likelihood was low and let me go to bed after my second 12 hour day - instead I not only stayed up to clean but also moved my car. Not cool.

Wednesday I got loaded and when I hadn't heard anything by 11:00 - I called him for an attempt at a booty call. He turned me down flat. I told him it was fine, I read the book (He's not that into you).

Thursday was another 12 hour day and an exhausting meeting with our Financial Planner where I admitted that I had in fact been offered two other positions - one for 10K guaranteed more than I make now and one for $12K with the potential of $20K. I told him that I thought long and hard about what I deal with on a daily basis and referred back to what an old boss told me, "Never leave for money - leave for experience" and that I'm not sure my experience was done yet at C2. By 7:00 I was tired & drained and headed home.

JF called me, a regular attendant of my myspace blog, to find out what was going on from my sporadic and non-informing postings. I explained the situation including the non-return on the potential booty call.

"He turned down a drunk MG time? Something is wrong with him"

If you're new to this blog, JF is Just a Friend - hence the moniker - one that is similar to me and that we'd occasionally mess around together out of boredom and such long periods of single-ness. "You were seriously the best blow job I've ever gotten." That's something I needed to hear as the lack of sexual interest in me by the BF had me not only feeling unattractive but un-sex kitten like as well.

I hung up the phone, turned on lost and started to sleep. My phone rang with a text - 608 area code. That's right folks, he's back.

Ironic how at these weird times he always pops in. Not that I'd do anything. Technically we're both respectively in relationships at this point even though both have faltered closer to the single line. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood for banter - I was in the mood for sleep so I stopped short of any callus behavior.

At 8:47 my phone did ring to a number I didn't recognize. Yes, that's right folks, I deleted the BF straight off the phone. I ignored it and he left a message. I didn't return the call.

Today he called around 1:30 while I was in a meeting asking if we could go out tonight, I responded via text that "We'll see - might go out with Steph from HS" - an old friend that contacted me via myspace 3 weeks ago and I haven't seen in 10 years.

And that's where we leave it at this point in the story when it comes to the relationships. But, much like my life, when I get a light bulb moment it factors into multiple areas - including my job.

Every place has it's ups and downs, don't get me wrong. I do like my job still but there's only so many times that you can get pulled into an office and talked about what went wrong or who did what or who said what when you really feel the pressure. Next to that is what 2 of my bosses have recently said - they've used the age factor as a negotiating tip, something I'm familiar with being not only unethical but also illegal. I was told by one that I make "good money for MY AGE" and another that I was too young to want more than 2 weeks of vacation - both of which balance, in a sense of the other. It's these topics that really make me look back at those offers - these people offered me a pricing based on what I do not how old I am. I technically only have one week of vacation (but with comp time I'm allowed to travel a lot) and I technically make very little compared to what (a) the sales guy before me would have made and (b) what my percentages say. But as I said, I'm sticking to the place because there's more to learn - even while my expenses get sliced & diced.

That's pretty much the end-deal of what's going on - who knows where it may all lead.

Identifying the reasons to move on.

2008-02-29T09:15:00.000-08:00

In the last couple weeks I've really focused on what is working and what's not. The main theme that has come up is that I'm sick of being everyone's excuse. I've been used as a scapegoat one too many times in the adventurous world of work and relationships and I've had it.

The relationship ending has come on the fact that the BF just hasn't even bothered to initiate a call - until 9:00 yesterday. He was supposed to come over Tuesday and in my effort to just sleep, I tried to get him not too. I called him twice, explaining that I had to clean and move my car if he was coming over, he told me he "wasn't sure - but probably would." And then didn't.

Gotta work - more to come!

Back to Single in the City.

2008-02-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

Need I say more??

Where does the time go?

2008-02-26T16:35:00.000-08:00

Thursday night I got all light headed at almost 11:00pm after working all day. I sat down by the BF, woke up a couple minutes later... I thought it was just being light headed, it turns out that I was wrong, he insisted I had a seizure.

Fast forward to now, I've had a billion tests done, a doctor in Jamaica so no one will give me answers, and a no-driving Doctor's orders until March 6. Dependent life isn't fun. Not to mention the crazy work hours. I'm taking a half day tomorrow and still clocking in close to 50 in 5 days.

I'm trying to figure out tonight - I'm at an event until 8:30, I'm already tired but I definitely need to clean before the BF strolls in around 2am. Not to mention shower.

Speaking of which - my freaking water bill was over $100! It's just me! I split it with the neighbors downstairs and feel like I got a little screwed in the deal. Honestly, it's not like the 5 minutes of hot water I get a day can equate to that much. I'm thinking of writing a "kind" letter to my landlord along the lines of "B*tch I'm giving you all this damn money - fix my sh*t" but more like ...

Dear Mr. Landlord,

In October I spoke with you regarding the trashed carpeting and unpainted walls which, at the time, you assured me were going to get replaced/painted. In November we spoke and you agreed to it being accomplished by December. This is my March payment, which includes the $101.53 for water and I'd like to re-issue a request for the above mentioned repairs within the next 30 days. I'd also like to discuss the heat; I think something is wrong with my thermostat as it's set at 60 and consistently says 60 but the heat is a lot warmer than that (as provided by my $205 gas bill, it is warmer than that). If these items cannot be fixed within the next 30 days, perhaps we could talk about another arrangement.

Sincerely,

The now broke MG.

Of course I'm pining for the "other arrangement" as it will most likely be me moving out, perhaps into a heat-included apartment. Oh - can I live with the dream of air conditioning too? How sweet it would be.

I'm catching no breaks lately on the whole apartment thing. What I really want is to settle into a place for the next 2 years and look at owning while I save up a little bit for a down payment.

Well, off to an event!!

It's not you, it's me.

2008-02-18T18:03:00.000-08:00

I need a break! I can't believe how much time work has taken over. Between snow storms and rescheduling, instructor fits, follow ups, calendar mishaps and what not I'm in desperate need of another vacation. Can't I just lay under the covers and never move? I hate that feeling, the dread of going into work wondering what shit-storm you'll have to put out or how you're going to bite your tongue when you want to go in and rip people's heads off.

But I've had it being Ms. Nice Girl. I had it last year too and ended up having to sit through so many damn meetings about how people were now afraid to approach me because I had balls and wouldn't put up with their shit - so I reverted back. But I'm not a doormat and I'm sick of being trotted on, I'm sick of being talked down too. The truth is, yes, I make good money for "my age" as my boss put it - but you don't pay me enough to deal with this crap and you especially don't pay me enough for what I've done for the company.

But I digress, I hate my job sometimes.

Due to the work struggles and what not, I haven't been able to post much. I haven't been able to breathe for goodness sake. Not to mention, throw in all the random events of the week and the networking and POOF! it's been too long.

Because you might not be interested in everything - and I hate really long posts - I've broken them down into littler posts below! :)

Lipstick Jungle.

2008-02-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

I'm hooked. Plugged because it was written by the STC crew and the premise is near the same (minus 1 friend), I'm a fan.

But I shouldn't be ... I don't think it's one of those shows good for your health. For some reason STC didn't make me feel like I need to be at the gym - this does. And Victory's relationship with the rich guy is making me look at "real" relationships as sucky. I want a guy to go to Miami and fly back to NY with lunch for me ...

And Nic's affair is ridiculous. It's got me thinking how badly I want to be pinned against the wall and screwed. Much like Carrie & Big's affair on STC. In fact, this erupted into a wild sex dream on Sunday morning ...

There's just something about man-handling that you can't put down. It's lust personified, the whole body starts craving every touch - I'm sure it looks idiotic from outsiders instead of well choreographed dance of perfect bodies like on TV. Your mouth just anticipating the hot steaminess of any skin, your fingers clawing on buttons and clothing for the soft subtle feel of real human skin. The breath so entirely hot on your neck, ears, down your shoulders, across the collar bone. Wanting someone to push you down and throw it in you assumes all your thoughts.

In a good girl sense, the sex dream was about the BF and it started off sweet and innocent. Kissing in the kitchen while I was cooking in a skirt, his warm breath on my neck as he begged to taste the sauce. His hands roaming down my side, up the skirt, touching that bottom part of your butt check all gently until he throws me up on the counter after turning me around. The kissing intensifies, the clothes come off (by the way - as part of the fantasy my body kicked ass - I mean, I had abs and everything). He starts touching the under part of my breasts (one of my favorite moves of all times - goosebumps!). Licking, touching, grabbing. He rips me down from the counter as we crawl up the stairs, biting and kissing as the clothes come off (but not my shoes), we start having sex right there. Then make it finally up to his bed, where he throws me down, grabs my hair and we just go at it like 16 year olds who finally realized that sex is good.

Upon waking up from the dream I just helped myself to the BF's body. I ripped off his underwear, climbed on top and didn't care for a minute if he was going to come.

I came three times.

Thank you Lipstick Jungle.

Valentine's Day.

2008-02-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

I AM ONE OF THE CHEESY GIRLS.

I want the flowers, the swooning, the dinner, the dancing. I want the romance. It's one day a year - BE ROMANTIC!

I hadn't seen the BF in a couple of days when Thursday popped up in the calendar. I was still on the fence about what to do - because, while I agree that everyone here is right about him, I also don't post the good things that happen so it's a little bias. 2 really good friends actually told me to stop being detrimental - that what he did wasn't right but that we were good - so I was very unsure. I had decided, no matter what, that I was not going to dump him before his birthday and I was going to go through with his party.

As I was emailing out the details to his friends, the doorbell rang and he walked into work - with flowers and candy. I wanted to cry - I had no idea. It made work actually easier and nicer for the rest of the day. The romance pretty much ended there though. He had his son until 8, so they ate already. I was tired. We had some drinks, played some bags and headed home.

I should mention - I got 3 months of flowers and a $150 spa gift certificate as well :)

He got a photo album of the trip.

I owe you a post.

2008-02-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

And I'm not sure where to start. Part of me wants to skip the events prior to the trip and during the trip, but you're jumping in your seats so I'll fill you in.

We did talk about the events that occurred when both of us were under the influence, and it comes down to the fact that's he comfortable enough with me to share his indiscretions (and I should mention here that he's never 100% said I suck in bed - just agreed quantity is higher than quality). I shared that I'm not a trusting person. We decided we still wanted to be us.

The night before the cruise we headed down to a local Mexican joint we frequent due to the delicious nature of their margaritas. We had one too many. So we went to the porn store for goodies during our "sex-fest" cruise that he kept bragging to his buddies about. $75 in goodies and a quick romp in one of the sex booths (we were REALLY drunk) we headed home, had sex and crashed before waking up at 4am to get to the airport.

Day one was amazing. It was hugging and kissing and holding hands. But day two was the day there was 9 million things happening on the cruise ship - and I barely saw him after that. He ran out of money by Saturday night and had to constantly borrow mine, I bought his son souvenirs, his parents (but stopped short of his ex-wife - that was out of his own pocket). Frankly it was getting old and I was getting irritated. I watched 3 sunrises by myself and 2 sunsets.

On the most romantic night of the cruise he wouldn't even comment that I looked nice, he wouldn't hold my hand, get a picture taken, walk into the restaurant with me. I was in tears. The only time he took a second to spend with me was at Bingo - because he wanted my ticket into the Black Jack tournament.

By day four we were on our second excursion and even though I was incredibly mad, I wanted to put it behind me and have this adventure with the guy I loved. It worked - until we got back to Calica. We met up with my sister and her fiance in one of the little shops, the BF ordered a couple Coronas and I went to bargain for some bracelets with my little sis. When I got back, he had drank it. Yup. The ONE thing the f*cker paid for the entire trip, he drank. I went back onto the boat.

We didn't have sex, we didn't kiss, we didn't touch - not even sleeping. I was heartbroken. I felt more like a roommate than a romantic partner and here I spent $6K at this mutha f*cker.

We had a charity function to go to on Friday - one where I'm kind of a big deal - so here he saw all this attention, everyone saying "You look amazing" "You look beautiful" etc. He finally said to someone, "Well - she always looks hot." And that led to a conversation about the whole trip fiasco. He said he was too over stimulated that he thought "we can have sex anytime - when can I do ..." and took everything for granted. The talk made me feel better - but not the continued weekend of me paying for everything until I was out of cash for 2 weeks, because his "bank changed over."

Things are on the rough - I'd really like him to pay me back at least part of what he owes me since he didn't do anything for me on the cruise. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have felt bad about giving him money if he didn't make me feel so rejected. We'll see what Valentine's Day brings.

Bowling is not always a good idea.

2008-01-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the BF should not drink. When he does he goes from being plain-old dense to being stupid.

For instance, who declares in front of 2 mutual friends that you (being a 31 year old male) would have totally fucked that 21 year old - but she had a kid (and you do too). And when you're girlfriend overhears you explain, "and because I'm with you." And the 21 year old was a nasty, stoned out f*ck that also obviously did several lines of coke before going to your party. And she's not a Packer fan - an absolute must to be involved with you.

I blame it somewhat on the fact that I've recently found out that I'm bad in bed. Wait ... there's more.

And did I mention that I've been drinking?

His son (8 by the way) also mentioned 3 different girlfriends this weekend. 2 of which had kids his age. All of which he KNOWS his dad f*cked in HIS bed. Yup - an 8 year old's twin bed. I can't even get him to have sex with me in my bed or his on a regular basis. Then again, see above.

4 days until the cruise and I'm wondering what exactly is going to happen to us.

Inconceivable.

2008-01-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

I think it's inconceivable to find someone that will love you no matter what. No matter the 10 lbs, the faulty outfit, the baggage.

I also believe that it's impossible that someone my age and older doesn't carry a good handful of baggage. The kind that airplanes wouldn't let you take on.

For instance ... I was engaged. He cheated. He got her pregnant. I called off the wedding. After him, anyone I felt close to cheated on me.

Speaking of cheating, I can't have kids (well there's a 3.65 percent chance which is better than nothing) because one cheated on me.

I don't like to be taken care of, but I do appreciate the occasional flowers.

And just once, once, I would like to have a guy that is inclined to be romantic. Flowers for no reason or my favorite bottle of wine when I make dinner.

And I'm insecure. Especially when I find out you had a hot wife and you cheated on her with her best friend. And my best friend is hot and you talk about how "you'll find out if she tea bags ..." ummm. You won't even let me tea bag ...

I'm also a tad-bit jealous. And a tad-bit disappointed if you're not.

So I have baggage too.

Maybe in this day and age relationships are doomed to fail as we except the fact that humans are not monogamous and people can not be trusted.

Kids say the darnest things.

2008-01-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

The kid was at the hospital on Saturday night so I joined his mom since the BF was working - it was nothing big, just a viral infection. When the medicine kicked in, she left to make some calls and me and the kid hung in the room.

He inspected the table - finding the stirrups. He clicked one out, "Hey MG, why are there cup holders all the way down here?"

Blast from the Past.

2008-01-25T16:16:00.000-08:00

When I bumped into RS's myspace page through a mutual friend, I sent a snotty message to make him smile - never expecting him to respond.

And he did.

It was weird. It's completely obvious that I'm in-a-relationship on it - there's about 40 pics of the boy and me. The good thing was that I didn't all feel attracted to him, the bad thing is I somehow couldn't type that I had a boyfriend when he asked me what was new and exciting. I didn't think I had to clarify it, but I felt this tinge of guilt for not saying anything. I guess we wait and see if he responds to me.

How 99 cents became hundreds of dollars & other ramblings.

2008-01-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

Juno was a great movie. In one scene, Ellen Page (Juno) and Michael Cera (Bleaker) sing a rendition of the Moldy Peaches, "Anyone Else But You" and I was instantly in love (see my playlist). So I logged on to iTunes and purchased the 99 cent track. I'm a bit impatient, so I wanted that song in my car NOW. But iTunes had a different idea (see Apple is an Evil Corporation) so I bit the bullet and bought a Nano and an FM transmitter. All for the love of that song. Which I now know all the words too.

Other ramblings ... a friend and I chatted about relationships last night over cocktails. He mentioned that he and his girl are nearly perfect for each other but the sex sucks. I joked that the BF might say that quantity is definitely higher than quality. Then last night I realized that I think my conclusion from his comment was correct. That sucks, because his comments make me re-evaluate a lot.

But I've been thinking a lot about the situation. His freaking ex drives me nuts - she still controls so much of his life and when I laid in bed on Wednesday morning after they got in a fight I realized that there's no getting away from her. I also realized I'd never be able to move out of Wisconsin. Was this the life I wanted to live?

The cruise is 9 days a way and looking at my schedule next week, I think I'm going to have to pack this weekend. There's a couple things I still need to get - underwater camera, Bonine, Nano travel case, and some unmentionables at two stores...

I don't have an evening event tonight - yeehoo! Which means I'm going to the gym & tanning right after work.

Apple is an Evil Corporation.

2008-01-22T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'm a good girl. I buy all my music on CDs at the store or off of iTunes. I just bought Michael Cera & Ellen Page, Ingrid Michaelson's album "Boys & Girls" and the Grey's CD because I liked a couple songs off of iTunes, all excited to burn a new CD for my car .... BUT WAIT.

I upgraded to Leopard. MISTAKE. I upgraded my iLife. MISTAKE. I bought these extra additions and now, now my paid music won't burn!! I've been trying for 2 days.

To listen to this in my car I have to buy a damn iPod (since they're the only player that plays the original format) AND a car connector.

Thanks for f*cking me Apple!

Refreshing.

2008-01-21T21:05:00.001-08:00

You know what I think is refreshing?

I met the BF eight months ago. Our first kiss was bodies pressed up against eachother and I knew it turned him on. Today, I went over to watch Good Luck Chuck and before I left we were just kissing, and it had the same affect. That's nice to know, it makes me feel like he still enjoys me for me and it's not the sex that gets him hard - it's the fact that he's with me.

I was chatting with a guy at a networking event tonight and he asked how things were going - I told him straight off that while the BF was NOT a good boyfriend in the first couple months, I couldn't ask for someone better now (minus the drunken ramblings - but hey, it's okay) and that it's the first time I'm in love and it's wonderful - and scary - all at the same time.

I say first time I'm in love, because it's true - that just wasn't there in the past, not that I didn't love some of the guys - hell, I still love #1 more than anything. I loved them as people, not in the make-your-heart-beat-faster kind of way. I hadn't talked to him all day so it was great at 7:15 when the phone rang and it was him. He makes me smile.

16 days and counting. Other Ramblings Included.

2008-01-17T13:34:00.001-08:00

16 days until the cruise ... weehoo! I also filed my taxes and as it turns out, the direct deposit option made for a nice addition since it'll be deposited at the very latest 2 days prior to the cruise! That means everything will be paid off and I'll even have a little extra ching for the casino.

This weekend I'm going shopping, which includes the (ugh) dreaded swimsuit search - to make it worse, I need TWO not one, since you're basically in the suit the entire time. I also need to pick up a couple sundresses and a nice, formal dress which I'm hoping I can also wear to the Eisner Museum's fundraiser - the XOXO.

I also conned the BF into joining me for the fundraiser - which will be the end to an exhausting week (the cruise is the 2nd-7th, the fundraiser's on the 8th), but he just looks so damn good when he dresses up...

In other news, tonight my dad's finally paying up on the Birthday Wishes - it's Hibachi night and I'm thrilled! Not that I'm all gun-ho for hibachi again, but more so that the kid is coming with ... I can't wait to see his face with the onion volcano and the flipping shrimp ...

That's one of the many great benefits with having an 8 year old around - all these things are new to him. It was the BF's first hibachi on my birthday and he was like a little kid - imagine how a little kid is going to be!

I'm also thrilled that it's Girl Scout Cookie Time!! MMMM - Caramel Delights, Thin Mints, Peanut butter patties - so many to choose from!!

The Count Down.

2008-01-15T16:10:00.000-08:00

It's under 20 for the cruise. We leave February 2! Vacation. I'm looking forward to the time to think about whether I should change jobs or stay, for a wee-bit of gambling action and to see how me & the BF end up - 5 days, no roommate or kid to distract ourselves.

This does mean a stop at the Porn Store is in order. Not that I'll bring the arsenal - because you definitely don't need that to get caught in front of the grandparents & parents... eek.

My sister is terrified. (A) She's afraid of the end-tab (so am I - cruises aren't cheap!) since it's on her card and her fiance likes to (B) drink - a lot. She's afraid they'll fight, he'll pick a fight, or he'll just be dumb. Scary to think that this scares her when she said yes ...

Those Cheating Hearts.

2008-01-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

Netscape posted an article today that blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women, because, upon pro-creation if the baby's eyes are anything but blue it shows that the female partner has cheated on them. Read more here ... http://channels.isp.netscape.com/whatsnew/recent.jsp?story=20071230-0630&floc=NI-ntk3

This opened the office up for a whole discussion on cheating hearts and me to go research crazy. Before I shock you with these stats let me explain my background with cheating: I haven't done it. Every guy I've been with has. I blame the first on being young, we weren't in love and we were still going through motions. In honesty we could've had this facade relationship but it wasn't passionate and we'd be those open marriage people that when home to their best friend (sound familiar MD?). Regardless, I was 21 and ended it. The second relationship was what I perceived as a relationship, fresh out of the gate of the marriage situation. There's nothing like lying in bed, rain pouring at your windows, your naked bodies catorted over each other having just knocked boots four times and him saying, "I think I'm in love with my girlfriend Amy." Newsflash, we just fucked - you're not in love. In a series of events and men after, I was once again the other woman with CW, #1 started seeing a younger woman 9 months into our relationship, and then Guitar Guy - well, there was a whole hell swarmed up in the "I'm single when I'm playing" attitude.

Let me also add that the BF doesn't have a good record under his belt and neither does his ex.

So here's the stats ....

20% of married men engage in multiple affairs during their marriage, 16% of women do - these are physical affairs.

55% of men, 48% of women have engaged in emotional affairs that may or may not result in sex.

Of the people engaged in physical affairs, 92% of their marriages fail due to the cheating.

Of those who remarry, 85% will cheat on their spouses or significant others again.

Scary right? I don't get cheating, because if you do it - then you're obviously not happy, it doesn't matter if your drunk or lonely - the person your with that would qualify your reaction as cheating isn't working with you to make it work. In that case, why don't you just leave? And to be a hypocrite myself from my last debacle of a relationship, if you know they're cheating - they'll repeat, so just leave.

It's one of those never ending questions that go about the day.

IAR

2008-01-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

Three really important words on myspace.

I go back and forth between SINGLE and IN A RELATIONSHIP since his hasn't moved off of DIVORCED in the 7 months (6 in his time) that we've been together.

Perusing today on the social networking sight I noticed the update that he changed his profile. I looked and it was the same picture, so I pulled it up. Nope, same mood and same quote. I scrolled down ... there it was, the holy grail of relationship status.

Not divorced anymore - he's In a Relationship. I smiled. Yeah :)

In other relationship news, I've really been pondering this whole moving in thing and I've decided, that if he asks sober, I'll do it. He's nearly melted the Ice Princess montage I've put together over the last four years, why not take the next big leap? Granted, I'm going to wait until after the trip to do it and I'll need to find a sub-leaser for my loft, but the thought of sleeping in his arms makes me so freaking happy. The money savings too isn't a bad option either - I can really start building up my savings.

Our trip is only 25 days away, that will be the big tester. Basically it's 7 nights and 8 days fully together (if you count the night before), no friends, no kid - just us. It'll be interesting to see how we handle it. I think we'll be fine though. I've finally reached the point where I feel secure with him, I've let the icey exterior melt. I'm, for the first time, completely in love.

It makes me think about that 6 weeks back in May & June, I was so heart broken because I was taken by him and he wasn't by me. I couldn't understand why I would cry so much, why it hurt so bad. Now I realize why, I'm 50 times more taken today as I was on Mother's day.

A bit pissed.

2008-01-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

I'm 27. I have two degrees from the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, one in Classical Studies and one in Journalism & Mass Communication. This means I'm not dumb.

This also means I know how to operate computers. I know how to upload software, I know how to troubleshoot. I consistently get calls from relatives asking me to help out with their PCs and their Macs.

Just because I'm a sales bitch doesn't mean that I'm clueless. I know Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign & Quark. I am AN AWARD WINNING Account Executive. I am a published writer. I am a published photographer.

So don't treat me like I'm fucking 2 years old and can't turn on a god damn computer!
And do NOT condescendingly speak to me because YOU didn't tell me that other people needed to be involved in a project. And if you so thought that, arrange your own damn conference call. It's really simple, email the person and set up a time.

Yeah. I'm a bit pissed off.

The Big Question.

2008-01-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

I mean, for dating 6 months it's the Big Question. Not THE big question.

On Friday night we enjoyed a few cocktails and on our way from 1 place to the next, we chatted about NG and his girl moving out. That's when the slightly buzzed boyfriend said, "You should move in."

Screech. What? My look must have conveyed my questioning demeanor as he explained that the pot smoking, arguing neighbors I share a place with is a definite reason to break my lease, and I spend most of my time there anyway ... which is true ... and my expenses will be more than cut in half, which is also true.

But I still have 7 months on my lease, it's a crappy time to move, I have a cat and he hasn't bought the house yet ...

The truth is I do want to. I love that house. I love him. Those baby blues make sure I never stay mad. His bed and body make me have the best sleep ever. I love seeing him in his uniform. I love hanging out with the "boys," when his son is over. And I am there all the time. The money savings would be insanely good.

But I have so many doubts. Right now I'm the "cool" girlfriend that occasionally comes over and helps with homework and watches movies, plays legos and Star Wars. What if he would drive me nuts? What if I would get angry and yell? That's not being the cool girlfriend. Right now, if I just want to do nothing I hang out by myself. If I want to be stinky after the gym, I can. It's been me for so long, I'm not sure how I could handle it not being me.

And then again - let's see if he asks sober :)

No Butts About It.

2008-01-06T16:18:00.000-08:00

A couple drinks into Friday night, me & the BF headed home for a little action between the sheets. I had complemented the nights activities with a trip to the porn store, which included a joke purchase of anal beads since he's been insistent on trying his best to shove it in my butt.

I brought my purse up with the contents hidden away next to the bottle of lube. About an hour into the mix, there was the poke, aggressively I through him down, crawled on top, reached in my purse and gave him a little shocker. Well, three times over.

Take that up the ass.

Word of Mouth Marketing.

2008-01-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

I'm a BzzAgent. That's right. And I'm supposed to tell everyone. So I'm telling all of you!

The concept behind Bzz is brilliant. They'll give you product, you'll try it and then you'll tell people about what it is, what you like or don't like about it, then report back on a simple report form about what happened. That's it.

I know what you're thinking, it's kind of like being a secret shopper right? NO! Not at all. I was a secret shopper. There's no multi-page reports, no reimbursements times and forms, no payments and no secrecy. You actually NEED to tell people that you're a part of Word of Mouth Marketing. Simply Brilliant.

I've been delighted to be a part of this and highly recommend that you click on this little link (www.bzzagent.com) and sign up today. The more you participate, the more items you get to try. I'm currently reporting on a great product called Lypsyl, similar in concept to Burt's Bees - but a bit more tingly. Organic & natural, it eases my mind when it comes to putting products on and my lips have been softer than I can ever remember.

So now you're a part of my Word of Mouth - don't forget to let me know who you are so I can be a part of yours!

10 Attempts Later.

2008-01-02T14:09:00.000-08:00

Too many distractions, this is now the 10th time I've attempted to post.

Where to start?

My birthday was too much fun and I drank way too much! An old friend, Drunk Julie, stopped by uninvited and cornered me to tell me about how her life sucks, etc - for about 30 minutes. The BF finally saved me, dragging me away after a picture for bags. I don't get self-centered people, not at all. I mean - it takes 10 seconds to see how someone is, to validate them as human being, plus - isn't it a big shock that I'm with the guy I hadn't talked to for 4 weeks when we last spoke? Come on! The least you could do is acknowledge that!

I digress. I was wasted and needed food. I wanted eggs but the Bay View diner was closed, so we walked to Jimmy John's. Upon arriving I decided that what I really wanted was PBJ and they don't serve that. Now, my house is around the corner - but I have no food - so we drove all the way to the BF's, he made me the best PBJ and I puked and passed out.

Fast forward to Friday. I stayed home to recoup and he came over and brought me lunch, I worked all day from home and then we went out to the Admirals game with R. All of the sudden the BF points to the Jumbotron and says "Look, E & J!" Holy crap, my boss is there. So we partied a bit with them, headed over to his local joint for a little old fashion jam.

We're sitting at the bar when a song comes on with the lyrics, "What if I'm falling in love with you?" We're both kind of toasted. He turns, "What if that's true?"

Shocked, I asked him if he was kidding. He told me he wasn't falling, he already was there. I yelled, "Me too!"

Our first I love you...

It's my Golden Birthday!

2007-12-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

Last night we had a couple drinks a Le Fuentes and the BF headed to poker with the promise of some early-morning birthday rocking. I was really hoping it would happen since it's been almost a week and time was ticking on when I could with out being delayed another 4 days.

At 2:00 he called me and said he forgot the keys to my place, so I let him in. He informed me that he was just in the mood to cuddle, crawling into bed fully dressed, rolling over with his back to me and promptly snoring so loud that I could barely sleep. He jumped out of bed about an hour later, only to puke I assumed. At 4:00 his moaning was driving me nuts that I rolled over and rubbed his back lightly, before he snapped that his head killed and he needed aspirin. So I got some Excedrin and a bottle of water and he laid back down saying it felt like he got smacked by a freight train and that he was freezing. So I went downstairs and turned up the heat, went back to bed. He complained how bad his head hurt, so I went back downstairs and grabbed a Gatorade, hoping that the elecrolytes would help hydrate him quicker. Of course, I couldn't open it and I couldn't see anything with my new curtains up ... so I flipped on the lights and he flipped out again. He finally settled into sleeping around 5am and I was wide awake.

My mom called about 7:30am to wish me a happy birthday and I snuck down and took a shower, got dressed and ready for work. I wasn't supposed to be in until noon, but there wasn't much I could do, so I packed up, left him my keys and a note, and headed in at 9:30.

Happy Birthday Blues

2007-12-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

I tried to arrange what I figured would be away to get the majority of my friends and family out for my birthday - do a dinner on the West side of town and do drinks by my place on the South side.

I invited my Dad to dinner, knowing that my mom, step-dad and brother would only be going to the bar portion, when he informed me his girlfriend's daughter was coming in from out of town and he wouldn't be able to celebrate my birthday for another 2 weeks. I was bummed, but I wasn't going to hold it against him - until I asked my brother (older one) and sister if they'd be joining me. My dad interrupted them before they could speak, "No, they're coming over here for a family dinner." I was dumbfounded, (a) I wasn't invited to the "family dinner" and (b) it's my birthday! Why can't my siblings come with me to dinner?

I guess that's why you have friends. 20 people RSVPed for dinner, 40 for the bar. Happy birthday to me.

Although the BF is pretty certain he's going to get me so intoxicated he can throw it in my, ahem, I have a feeling I'll be too busy playing bags & socializing to get that trashed ...

Diamonds are a ...

2007-12-25T07:39:00.000-08:00

I had shook the presents, I had played with the package (the wrapped ones under the tree) and at no point did I think I'd get jewelry.

I had just been through 7 hours of my family when I got to his and I sat down next to a broken hearted friend that was there and his kid, and behind me he stood with a little box.

And you know what little boxes are.

It was a journey necklace, diamonds all in a row. It sparkled. I wanted to cry but we were around family so I hugged him. I wanted to blurt out I love you - not because of the jewelry but because I really do. But I just put it on and kept touching it all night.

Diamonds are not a girls best friend, diamonds are a gift that showed me this just might be real.

Merry Christmas Eve!

2007-12-24T07:06:00.000-08:00

And what a Christmas it's going to be.

Friday was a friend's birthday, so the BF & I enjoyed dinner & a couple cocktails. I enjoyed too many and at 2am REALLY needed to go home. The BF was too involved in bowling to drive me home, so his roommate offered to help out. I kissed him goodbye and he said, "Drive Safe. I love you." I turned around and walked out - head spinning. Really? The first I love you and we're both trashed. It hasn't been uttered since, but relatively sure that it's due to my reaction.

Passport Getting.

2007-12-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

I was nervous, my heart was pounding. I mean, not only was it expensive, but it meant that we better be together in 2 months still. And it's been 7 months and neither of us have yet to utter "I love you." It also meant that this was it - a $2,000 investment. On one hand it dawns on me that his first experience on a plane, a trip outside the country, scuba diving, horseback riding - it's all going to be with me. So even if he does break up with me afterwards he won't be able to get around that fact.

I'm a bit nervous as well since I didn't get a raise - not even cost of living, and have a higher car payment and this trip to pay for. I went to the table with the pure facts - my first year I increased your sales by 275%, my second year I've increased it by 85% - $4500 a month. And that doesn't include the corporate sale which actually means I've increased the yearly sales by 97% and that the monthly increase is actually around $7500 a month. Because of my sales, we've moved to a new office, we've gotten another full time instructor and all of our classrooms are equipped with intel macs. What did I get told? They actually want to reduce my commission schedule - meaning that I'll make $11,000 less this year. Let's also add on that there's now 5 additional restrictions on my sale, which will effectively reduce my monthly sales as well. How do you spell that? S-C-R-E-W-E-D.

Oh Baby!

2007-12-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

Jessica Alba is pregnant. (26)

Lilly Allen is pregnant. (22)

Jamie Lynne Spears is pregnant. (16)

Do not drink the water in Hollywood.

WP's Curse.

2007-12-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

My golden birthday is one week away. And I'm sick as a dog. Please no curse!!

Real Beauty.

2007-12-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Perhaps you've seen Dove's new campaign for Real Beauty featuring the little, red-haired girl leaving the school bus followed by images of ill-proportioned, sex-symbol-esque, surgery wielding beauties, followed by the message "Talk to your daughter before the fashion industry does."

Let me start by saying - I am in love with the real beauty campaign. I think it's a brilliant marketing strategy that the American public needs to hear. With the majority of women in this country being a size 14, it is often too easy to believe that beauty is in the heroin-sheik, or the bottle-wielding tiny bopper celebrities. For a beauty company to come out and tell women that it's okay to be themselves, is in genius. It's a long the lines of Jennifer Love Hewitt's rant to TMZ for dissing her size 2 body a couple weeks back, while enjoying her engagement in Hawaii (see http://www.thatsfit.com/2007/12/08/jennifer-love-hewitt-gets-celebs-talking/). But I digress.

The video for Real Beauty is called "Onslaught," just in case you haven't been one of the hundreds of thousands of clicks. This is an example of yet another viral campaign (my obsession), and a rather successful one at that. But, when dealing with video campaigns you're often going to get tied into youtube.com and have video comments back. A downside to this type of advertising is that the response may not always be 100% positive, and can indeed be enlightening. Please see what I found on my viral tracking today.

Drained

2007-12-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

I feel exhausted both physically and emotionally. I was looking forward to running after work, but I might just skip it for a nap.

As it turns out, I'm not 21 anymore. I'm not sure exactly how I used to survive on 4 hours of sleep and have tons of energy the next day, but there's no more waiting up until 1:30 in the morning for the rest of this week (or so I say).

R's snuggly cat was gone, which led my bed to being void of anything to cuddle with minus a pillow or two. The Bumpkin doesn't really snuggle, so I watched info-mercials until 1:30, swearing I wouldn't take a Lunesta to sleep since there's only 2 left. The TV clicked off and I looked at my phone, turned over and closed my eyes. 6:00 came way too fast.

This morning I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling, contemplating how much I really wanted to get up and go to work (I didn't) and replaying certain events in my head, trying to decide what exactly the next steps should be. I've been haunted all weekend by what I can only sadly say is my new neighbor, who had not-so-nice words to say to me in our parting 7 years ago. That alone through me for a whirlwind and being alone all weekend to relish in those thoughts hasn't been a delight.

I did, on the other hand, complete 2 nice tasks this weekend. My neighbor got stuck (ironically in the same spot I did when I had to call Steve to help me out - by the way - neutral works again) so I helped push her out and some crazy drunk people need a jump and lost their friend, so I pointed in the direction that he ran. Hopefully I'll get a good lick of karma now since it does seem I've been in a bit of a downward spiral the past 2 weeks.

I did put up my Christmas Tree. Arguably my little grey friend isn't even slightly amused by the hanging ornaments. Makes me wish I didn't wait 5 years to put it up again. He hasn't attempted to climb or eat the branches. Of course, I say that now and I'll probably go home and it'll be tipped over. Good thing it's not in my room, so I'll still be able to nap when I get home.

Hello Neighbor.

2007-12-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

My ex-fiance is my new neighbor. Which sucks.

Well, he's not really my neighbor, but lives somewhere in my hood. I've seen him every day for the last 3 weeks.

I can't help but think about his last words to me when we finally broke things off ...

"You've lost your chance. You'll never be married, you'll never have kids, I was your chance at happiness. You're sure you want to be alone forever? Then fine."

I put it off to a broken heart, but I'm turning 27 in just a couple weeks and I can't help but wonder what was the truth in the matter. Especially when dealing with the BF.

On Sunday he didn't even invite me over for the game. I still took the kid to see "Golden Compass" - a $30 expenditure, by the way, only to have the kid get pissed because I only let him play arcade games for 20 minutes.

He invited me to dinner, but I had plans with R since I had been watching her kitty since Thursday. I told him I'd be at the Palomino and he came to join us for a couple drinks. It was awkward to say the least - I so badly wanted him to grab me and kiss me, but he barely said one word and I was empty for feelings for the total rejection all weekend.

He called at 10:30 and said that "perhaps I'll surprise you and you'll wake up next to me" - so when it was 2:00 in the morning I dropped him a text saying, "New rule, no more joking about coming over." I rolled over and clung to my pillow, I couldn't help but think that if he had done that one tiny gesture things would have been different. And to play my own devil's advocate - I realized that I can't hope for him to do any of these things ever.

He texted me at 6:30 that he was sorry and wished me a good day.

And then I saw the ex as I left. I stopped a bit short of the stop sign and for a moment gave into the truth in his prophecy. I also remembered that I am the only one that can control my future.

Single in the City

No Need for Nerves

Oh yeah! Milwaukee Girl is on Twitter!

There's a little sunshine in a dark world.

What's a girl to do?

One Simple Word

Young, Psychotic Love.

A thoughtful boasting of nothing.

That's all she wrote.

Can I skip the "married" part of co-habitating?

When Love Isn't Enough

Advocating Might Not Be All It's Cracked Up to Be

Starting Work.

God only gives us what we can handle ... right?

The low grumble in the morning.

Pee on you, pee on me.

Dude, a picture is just a picture.

That was a bust.

Unemployment=Uneventful

Trying to hold back ...

Relief at $300 a week

Relief at $300 a week

Quitting.

One Year Later and It's Back in the Same Boat

Let's Just Say -

No More Candy! And Ummm, Target what are you thinking?

New ventures.

I'm not good for nothing

Sniffle, Sniffle - it's almost winter

Heroes Recap ... Don't read if you didn't see.

The Changeling

Shouldn't I know?

Cat and dog fights

Political Debate

*Sigh* of relief!

Seeing Red.

Oh Time Flies.

All Snug in the Rug?

This is a BLOG.

Things to consider.

Let me stop to care.

Been away so long, so long.

Tuesday Morning.

Getting back to me.

I didn't want to say anything yesterday ...

That "A-Thump-A-Thump" is my Heart

Hmmm.

Expectations.

He's going for it.

Fight for it.

Crap.

Did you call it?

The Yes Man.

Anonymus Blogging.

The truth about Anal.

Recap o' Events.

Clarity.

What NOT to say.

In continuation ...

Kit Kat Bar.

Is this legal?

Standing Next to a Cheater

This may not be what you want to hear ...

The Old Adage.

Pigs.

Pissed off the neighbor.

Devil in a Blue Dress

Continuing the change.

Identifying the reasons to move on.

Back to Single in the City.

Where does the time go?

It's not you, it's me.

Lipstick Jungle.

Valentine's Day.

I owe you a post.

Bowling is not always a good idea.

Inconceivable.

Kids say the darnest things.

Blast from the Past.

How 99 cents became hundreds of dollars & other ramblings.

Sigh of relief!