I was involved in illicit behavior last night and it made me realize, that I miss certain elements of a non-illicit behavior relationship.
On the ride home from our annual family ski trip, my sister's boyfriend texted her to make sure she was okay (we were supposed to get a blizzard), I looked over and I saw this little smile, that kind that reminds you that someone would miss you if you weren't home.
I got a text a short time later from OF, telling me the weather was bad and to drive safe. I got that same little smile, but not in the same since.
A couple of hours of banter led to me relaxing in a hot tub and contemplating whether I should drink a glass of wine or spend the afternoon in illicit passion and great conversation. I toweled off with out the wine, cozied in my bath robe with the Bumpkin on my lap and watched the end of the Badger game, staring at my phone ever so often to examine the latest of messages.
I finally opted for the second option and headed over to OF's for a little fun. After we got done messing around, we were laying on his bed 1/2 naked and talking, one of my newly dark brown curls fell gently on my eye and he tucked it away behind my ear. I realize I miss that too.
We talked for a couple more hours in between messing around and I it was nice to just be with someone intimately and laugh and joke. I realized I missed that too.
On my way out to my car I fumbled with putting my bra on, he laughed and asked me to come near. He hooked it for me. It was this weird level of comfort and intimacy rolled into a few moments, those moments that happen ever so often with a significant other that you forget to treasure. While I miss the moments, I don't miss the fact that now I don't let them go unnoticed.
I opened the door to my car and pushed my knit cap over my curly hair and ears, brushed off the 4 hours of powder and for a moment before I pulled out of his drive I thought about those moments and wondered if OF could maybe be a BF. Through his window I saw him open his computer and scratch his head, I realized that couldn't be my boyfriend - he was just what he would always be, an old friend. But I also realized that I miss those little things and should probably be looking for a more substantial relationship as well.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
When is it all too much?
I very much hold every true friend I have near and dear; however, when it comes to break ups I do legitimately sometimes want to strangle them - well, at least #1.
There are 2 different styles of break-ups, situational and "where did that come from?" - unfortunately people often get the latter, but situational is the easiest to deal with. Let me explain ...
Di's current relationship is going through "situational" - while it's inconceivably hard because there's a baby involved, there's no "what's wrong with me?" mainstream mentality.
#1 is not the case. The last 5 days have been consistent phone calls of ego building and listening, to the point where every couple minutes or hours, I interject "stop it. just stop it. This is ridiculous." His chickie-poo broke up with him for seemingly no reason except that tired line of "you're too good" - but the one I've legitimately used in the past. I understand that he wants to rationalize, but I wonder at what point he will stop trying to break himself down.
When I was going through my issues with the RS situation, he would often listen; however, I was told to shut up on numerous occasions, that there would be no hand holding because I was being ridiculous, I fear that we might have to have the same conversation this evening. My energy is waining on trying to tell him he is attractive, attentive and will make an awesome boyfriend. With my schedule the last two weeks, I just can't do it - I need me time :(
There are 2 different styles of break-ups, situational and "where did that come from?" - unfortunately people often get the latter, but situational is the easiest to deal with. Let me explain ...
Di's current relationship is going through "situational" - while it's inconceivably hard because there's a baby involved, there's no "what's wrong with me?" mainstream mentality.
#1 is not the case. The last 5 days have been consistent phone calls of ego building and listening, to the point where every couple minutes or hours, I interject "stop it. just stop it. This is ridiculous." His chickie-poo broke up with him for seemingly no reason except that tired line of "you're too good" - but the one I've legitimately used in the past. I understand that he wants to rationalize, but I wonder at what point he will stop trying to break himself down.
When I was going through my issues with the RS situation, he would often listen; however, I was told to shut up on numerous occasions, that there would be no hand holding because I was being ridiculous, I fear that we might have to have the same conversation this evening. My energy is waining on trying to tell him he is attractive, attentive and will make an awesome boyfriend. With my schedule the last two weeks, I just can't do it - I need me time :(
Monday, February 19, 2007
What happened on Friday.
Friday's events some what led to the destruction of what should have been a busy but glee-full, fun weekend.
I had a half day and left work around 2pm to go home, shower and clean up just in case D came in from IA. Around 5:00 I headed back downtown for some good old fashioned "welcome to the gang" type fun with Racine & MA.
When I arrived there was already a handful of people canoodling around the pub, we ended up growing so large in the next 30 minutes that we went to the backroom. Taking back a beer every once in awhile PA, MA and I all enjoyed a conversation.
As the beers kept coming, I was on camera duty taking insane pictures from every angle of every couple and non-couple and occasionally stealing a kiss on the cheek for picture purposes only.
Right after the Guinness Toast at 11, R came by with a buddy of her's that I've just been crushing on insanely since we met back in November. He had stood me up on my birthday but offered a raincheck that he never paid up. Armed by the fact that all the people in the bar where my friends, I asked when he was planning on doing that ... He said he was sorry he didn't get that message and I leaned in that cute way to whisper in his ear that it was okay. Knowing exactly what I was doing I pulled slowly away so I could see his eyes focusing on my lips and he leaned in for a kiss. An amazing kiss. One of those that sends shocks through your body and makes you pull away incredibly slowly. We did that a couple more times through out the night before he and R had to leave for a late dinner at Webb's.
In the meantime, PA had been getting close with MA and (read previous post) had decided to put some moves on her. In a weird situation, I went to grab my smokes and he pulled me in and kissed me. He was gentler, not so passionate but still a good kisser. I accidentally fell into his sweet embrace before it dawned on me that girl code strictly prohibits this kind of behavior. I backed off and reached to grab my coat.
On my way out the door one of my old kissing buddies grabbed me. Previously arriving with his girlfriend (that he informed me he was going to break up with that evening), she had gone to the bathroom and he hugged me good bye then slapped a big dirty kiss on my lips.
Okay, time to leave.
I had a half day and left work around 2pm to go home, shower and clean up just in case D came in from IA. Around 5:00 I headed back downtown for some good old fashioned "welcome to the gang" type fun with Racine & MA.
When I arrived there was already a handful of people canoodling around the pub, we ended up growing so large in the next 30 minutes that we went to the backroom. Taking back a beer every once in awhile PA, MA and I all enjoyed a conversation.
As the beers kept coming, I was on camera duty taking insane pictures from every angle of every couple and non-couple and occasionally stealing a kiss on the cheek for picture purposes only.
Right after the Guinness Toast at 11, R came by with a buddy of her's that I've just been crushing on insanely since we met back in November. He had stood me up on my birthday but offered a raincheck that he never paid up. Armed by the fact that all the people in the bar where my friends, I asked when he was planning on doing that ... He said he was sorry he didn't get that message and I leaned in that cute way to whisper in his ear that it was okay. Knowing exactly what I was doing I pulled slowly away so I could see his eyes focusing on my lips and he leaned in for a kiss. An amazing kiss. One of those that sends shocks through your body and makes you pull away incredibly slowly. We did that a couple more times through out the night before he and R had to leave for a late dinner at Webb's.
In the meantime, PA had been getting close with MA and (read previous post) had decided to put some moves on her. In a weird situation, I went to grab my smokes and he pulled me in and kissed me. He was gentler, not so passionate but still a good kisser. I accidentally fell into his sweet embrace before it dawned on me that girl code strictly prohibits this kind of behavior. I backed off and reached to grab my coat.
On my way out the door one of my old kissing buddies grabbed me. Previously arriving with his girlfriend (that he informed me he was going to break up with that evening), she had gone to the bathroom and he hugged me good bye then slapped a big dirty kiss on my lips.
Okay, time to leave.
Girl Code?
On Saturday we had our big intro party for two new friends, PA ended up showing up for a good time as well.
At one point, one of the new girls MA and I were chatting with PA and she brought up the bowling mishap with Internet Guy. He had left 1/2 way through because he expected me to fawn over him, but I thought we were just friends - miscommunication. MA questioned whether or not I make out with my friends, I said "Of course, PA and I make out all the time." PA shook his head, blushed a little in an embarrassment.
As the night went on, I scuttled about the groups of people and heard in round about fashions that MA was wondering if I would be irritated if she went home with PA. Most people said no, a few asked me before they gave their answer.
"He's not mine to have." I replied.
"But it's girl code, you can say no if you're interested in him." certain people responded.
It dawned on me that "girl code" is probably different for each set of girls ... for me I won't pull girl code unless I'm really interested in dating someone, my feelings could be hurt by the certain person in question hooking up with someone else - but unless they've slept together it's all cattle on the range. MA herself asked if it would offend me, and I told her definitely not.
Unfortunately, I don't think my girl code rules apply to all girls.
The next day I got the clear impression that PA and I are no longer allowed to make out. Turns out MA's girl code is if she makes out with someone, they can't touch them even if you had dibs first.
Girl code blows.
At one point, one of the new girls MA and I were chatting with PA and she brought up the bowling mishap with Internet Guy. He had left 1/2 way through because he expected me to fawn over him, but I thought we were just friends - miscommunication. MA questioned whether or not I make out with my friends, I said "Of course, PA and I make out all the time." PA shook his head, blushed a little in an embarrassment.
As the night went on, I scuttled about the groups of people and heard in round about fashions that MA was wondering if I would be irritated if she went home with PA. Most people said no, a few asked me before they gave their answer.
"He's not mine to have." I replied.
"But it's girl code, you can say no if you're interested in him." certain people responded.
It dawned on me that "girl code" is probably different for each set of girls ... for me I won't pull girl code unless I'm really interested in dating someone, my feelings could be hurt by the certain person in question hooking up with someone else - but unless they've slept together it's all cattle on the range. MA herself asked if it would offend me, and I told her definitely not.
Unfortunately, I don't think my girl code rules apply to all girls.
The next day I got the clear impression that PA and I are no longer allowed to make out. Turns out MA's girl code is if she makes out with someone, they can't touch them even if you had dibs first.
Girl code blows.
The Truth of Friendship
I got this in an email and had to laugh, because it really is the truth when it comes to me and my friends!
"TRUE FRIENDSHIP"
(With None of that Sissy Crap!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound so good, but
never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold
truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad--I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the
sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue--I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile--I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared--I will rag on you every chance I get.
5. When you are worried--I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused--I will use little words.
7. When you are sick--Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I
don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall--I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath....I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask, "Because you
are my friend".
"TRUE FRIENDSHIP"
(With None of that Sissy Crap!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound so good, but
never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold
truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad--I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the
sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue--I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile--I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared--I will rag on you every chance I get.
5. When you are worried--I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused--I will use little words.
7. When you are sick--Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I
don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall--I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath....I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask, "Because you
are my friend".
Friday, February 16, 2007
A busy week in recap.
Monday. Woke up with a bit of a hangover from Sunday's date with BG and the screwdriver mania I encountered while there. Went to the gym for breakfast and lunch, had a staff meeting. Canceled Heroes night with friends, because it was my only night off. Went to bed at 12am.
Tuesday. Went to gym in the morning, went to lunch with former students of mine, worked until 4:00 and headed next door for an event. Worked until 10. Went home, went to sleep.
Wednesday. Woke up, damn gym. Went for an hour, headed into work because in the shower I realized that we had a lunch meeting that now needed to be rescheduled since J was arranging a quartet at work to sing for E and I got put in charge of the schedule hashing. Went to a promotions event at 9am. Worked, set up the quartet, video taped, youtubed, had dinner meeting with client, bowled. Made out with BG because PA was macking on some other chick. Really wanted to kiss PA. JF saw the kiss with BG and lectured me on not doing that anymore, since I don't want to be his girlfriend and he wants me to be.
Thursday. Worked in Madison, on the drive up slightly thought about arranging "lunch" - thank god E was driving, I wouldn't have a vehicle and not sure the boss would approve of lunch spent that way. Worked all afternoon, right before leaving for the event, E turns to me -
"Have you seen the doctor yet about your stomach problems?"
"Nope. I keep forgetting to make an appointment."
"Funny, their number is in my phone. You're making the appointment now."
Made a doctor's appointment for a checklist of items, my stomach problems when I eat meat, and hell - while I'm there - how about the yearly STD check up just in case? I've only had protected sex since my last check up, but that was almost 2 years ago and it's better to be safe. Headed to the event, left around 8. Got two voicemails from #1. Love has gone astray.
#1 and his lady officially started dating about 3 weeks ago. It was very romantic, that crazy laying in bed "I just want to see you" story. Insane. She loves purses and he researched them for 2 weeks to see if he could find the right one to make her Valentine's day. They lavished gifts on each other on Wednesday, and Thursday morning sent messages about how happy they were. But at 1:00 she told him they needed to talk - in person. On Saturday. Not on the phone, not over text, not over email. She had things to discuss. His heart broke. Hell, my heart broke. He's the male counterpart to me. Partly due to his sudden relationship (and I know this sounds crazy), I finally started thinking that I could be in one - but now, now he's going crazy with worry because he loves her.
Off to the doctor's appointment and then on to my 1/2 day. Turns out D might come up from IA, so I've got a house to clean!
Tuesday. Went to gym in the morning, went to lunch with former students of mine, worked until 4:00 and headed next door for an event. Worked until 10. Went home, went to sleep.
Wednesday. Woke up, damn gym. Went for an hour, headed into work because in the shower I realized that we had a lunch meeting that now needed to be rescheduled since J was arranging a quartet at work to sing for E and I got put in charge of the schedule hashing. Went to a promotions event at 9am. Worked, set up the quartet, video taped, youtubed, had dinner meeting with client, bowled. Made out with BG because PA was macking on some other chick. Really wanted to kiss PA. JF saw the kiss with BG and lectured me on not doing that anymore, since I don't want to be his girlfriend and he wants me to be.
Thursday. Worked in Madison, on the drive up slightly thought about arranging "lunch" - thank god E was driving, I wouldn't have a vehicle and not sure the boss would approve of lunch spent that way. Worked all afternoon, right before leaving for the event, E turns to me -
"Have you seen the doctor yet about your stomach problems?"
"Nope. I keep forgetting to make an appointment."
"Funny, their number is in my phone. You're making the appointment now."
Made a doctor's appointment for a checklist of items, my stomach problems when I eat meat, and hell - while I'm there - how about the yearly STD check up just in case? I've only had protected sex since my last check up, but that was almost 2 years ago and it's better to be safe. Headed to the event, left around 8. Got two voicemails from #1. Love has gone astray.
#1 and his lady officially started dating about 3 weeks ago. It was very romantic, that crazy laying in bed "I just want to see you" story. Insane. She loves purses and he researched them for 2 weeks to see if he could find the right one to make her Valentine's day. They lavished gifts on each other on Wednesday, and Thursday morning sent messages about how happy they were. But at 1:00 she told him they needed to talk - in person. On Saturday. Not on the phone, not over text, not over email. She had things to discuss. His heart broke. Hell, my heart broke. He's the male counterpart to me. Partly due to his sudden relationship (and I know this sounds crazy), I finally started thinking that I could be in one - but now, now he's going crazy with worry because he loves her.
Off to the doctor's appointment and then on to my 1/2 day. Turns out D might come up from IA, so I've got a house to clean!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I blame Hollywood.
The other week I was out with E talking to the annoying gentleman at the bar when he asked if I was single - "Very." I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"It's been her choice." E replied.
I had never really looked at it that way. Have I spent three years in complete denial of letting myself have a relationship? The more I thought about it, the more it seemed plausible. I blame Hollywood.
I think I've been in complete denial of my situation because I sincerely believed (and currently as well) that if someone really wanted to be with me, they'd sweep me off my feet and I'd be in a love-rush tornado. I think I still believe this. I don't want to make concessions to my current schedule because I want someone to finally work at getting me.
Something like BG's done, but I still am caught between it being too much and not enough. I got a text at 3am saying he was listening to a band and thinking about me - enough to make anyone swoon with "ahhs" and place their hand above their heart, cock their head and do that cute little smile. Enough to make me not reply, shut my phone and cringe - too much. His lifestyle and current situation though isn't enough - his physical attributes aren't enough and I haven't fully given up on Hollywood to try and make this enough.
Now all I have to do is tell him.
"Why?" He asked.
"It's been her choice." E replied.
I had never really looked at it that way. Have I spent three years in complete denial of letting myself have a relationship? The more I thought about it, the more it seemed plausible. I blame Hollywood.
I think I've been in complete denial of my situation because I sincerely believed (and currently as well) that if someone really wanted to be with me, they'd sweep me off my feet and I'd be in a love-rush tornado. I think I still believe this. I don't want to make concessions to my current schedule because I want someone to finally work at getting me.
Something like BG's done, but I still am caught between it being too much and not enough. I got a text at 3am saying he was listening to a band and thinking about me - enough to make anyone swoon with "ahhs" and place their hand above their heart, cock their head and do that cute little smile. Enough to make me not reply, shut my phone and cringe - too much. His lifestyle and current situation though isn't enough - his physical attributes aren't enough and I haven't fully given up on Hollywood to try and make this enough.
Now all I have to do is tell him.
Hearts, balloons, flowers and puke.
Welcome to Single Awareness Day!
Today is February 14, the day where it becomes absolutely apparent to everyone around you whether you are single or taken. The giggly girls carrying bouquets out of their offices and blushing as they tell a co-worker how lovely they smell - are taken. The bitter co-worker who is obviously fake smiling but quickly glaring if she could, perhaps, jump in front of that on coming car, her day would be complete - is not.
Actually, I'm just kidding. For non-taken people, such as myself, it's Wednesday - wonderful, wonderful Wednesday that includes making out and drunken festivities involving an 8lb ball and a non-oiled lane. For others it's anticipation of who loves who, something I haven't actually participated in on going on 5 or 6 years now.
So raise your glasses and pop your balloons to a glorious V-Day!
Today is February 14, the day where it becomes absolutely apparent to everyone around you whether you are single or taken. The giggly girls carrying bouquets out of their offices and blushing as they tell a co-worker how lovely they smell - are taken. The bitter co-worker who is obviously fake smiling but quickly glaring if she could, perhaps, jump in front of that on coming car, her day would be complete - is not.
Actually, I'm just kidding. For non-taken people, such as myself, it's Wednesday - wonderful, wonderful Wednesday that includes making out and drunken festivities involving an 8lb ball and a non-oiled lane. For others it's anticipation of who loves who, something I haven't actually participated in on going on 5 or 6 years now.
So raise your glasses and pop your balloons to a glorious V-Day!
Monday, February 12, 2007
A slight concern.
There are three major reasons a relationship doesn't work that all have to do with compatibility.
The first reason is personality compatibility.
The second reason is lifestyle compatibility.
The third reason is a combination of both.
In the light of my & BG's date last night I've been pondering this thought. In all sense, BG is basically a skinner, taller version of my rocker ex. They are both in bands, both audio engineers, both into a more "rock & roll lifestyle," both dependent on roommates for financial support. The key to the next step for me is to understand if the rocker and I didn't work because of our personalities, our lifestyles or the combo package and make sure BG doesn't fall into that same category if I'm going into this scientifically safe.
I believe Rocker & my lifestyles didn't fit and that was the main reason for the break up. I grew up in our relationship, graduated from college, went from roommate to living on my own, got a full time job, believed in monogamy - he didn't. He waked & baked, was single when the band played their gigs, lost his job and never got another one and maintained living in a house with 4 guys at the age of 33. We actually clicked personality wise which is what made me stay so much longer than I should have.
I'm afraid that BG is the same person in a different form. I know he occasionally enjoys a joint or two during practice, he plays 2 gigs a week and has no want to move from his 2 roommates place. But on the other hand, he's college educated so he's got that one up on the old one.
It's times like this where I wish RS and I had just maintained a friendship and not become FB's because his inside knowledge would help ...
The first reason is personality compatibility.
The second reason is lifestyle compatibility.
The third reason is a combination of both.
In the light of my & BG's date last night I've been pondering this thought. In all sense, BG is basically a skinner, taller version of my rocker ex. They are both in bands, both audio engineers, both into a more "rock & roll lifestyle," both dependent on roommates for financial support. The key to the next step for me is to understand if the rocker and I didn't work because of our personalities, our lifestyles or the combo package and make sure BG doesn't fall into that same category if I'm going into this scientifically safe.
I believe Rocker & my lifestyles didn't fit and that was the main reason for the break up. I grew up in our relationship, graduated from college, went from roommate to living on my own, got a full time job, believed in monogamy - he didn't. He waked & baked, was single when the band played their gigs, lost his job and never got another one and maintained living in a house with 4 guys at the age of 33. We actually clicked personality wise which is what made me stay so much longer than I should have.
I'm afraid that BG is the same person in a different form. I know he occasionally enjoys a joint or two during practice, he plays 2 gigs a week and has no want to move from his 2 roommates place. But on the other hand, he's college educated so he's got that one up on the old one.
It's times like this where I wish RS and I had just maintained a friendship and not become FB's because his inside knowledge would help ...
Who am I?
I’m about to verge on a lofty week, one of those weeks where you realize a relationship just doesn’t work with this kind of lifestyle.
On Saturday I woke up with a hangover of the biggest kind, the one where you move slightly to the right and a sharp pain reverbs to the back of your neck, the kind where your stomach grumbles for some sort of liquid that doesn’t contain any alcohol. Friday night was a fundraising event for a local museum, so I left work late to get ready. Upon arriving to the actual event, I realized my house keys were still on my kitchen table so I did the only thing I could think of, I drank – a lot – at the event. On my third martini (and no dinner, I might add) the couples surrounding me got to me and a sudden swamping feeling of loneliness over came me. I chatted with a couple friends, but the booze was definitely kicking in when I did something all of you will judge as the not-to-good move. Upon realizing that I may not have a place to sleep and that engulfing loneliness, I texted RS.
Going off of our regular “What Are You Wearing?” flirtation, I texted, “Red dress, 4” Mary Janes, naughty lace thong, corset – so WRUW?”
“Work clothes, hoping to get out of here soon.”
“Midnight romp?”
“Going out with friends, don’t think I’ll be home.”
“Can be later …”
No response. Fourth martini, “Guess not, I’ll be out of your hair.” And I actually meant it.
I ended up heading over to a local bar, where I bumped into a buddy from bowling and BG. We drank to our hearts content and BG and I talked about his looming feelings and what he wanted from me. It was simple, he wanted me to be all his and not as a friend. Perhaps it was the beer, perhaps it was the loneliness, but I agreed to indulge his fantasy on Sunday by attending a private event that was invitation-only, as his official date.
Back to Saturday. My phone rang and I turned to pick it up, answering #1’s call with a very distinct “OWW.” We firmed our lunch plans at B-W’s and I sauntered to the shower, catching a glimpse of my make up from last night still planted on my face – or cheeks to be more exact. My hair was curly and crazy and I sat in the shower praying that the water would absorb into my skin appropriately and I would be renewed.
Saturday was not much of anything, I ended up taking a nap upon returning home only to wake up and realize that I’m not happy with who I am completely. Then I did something drastic, I decided instead of bitching about it – I’d do something about it. Tomorrow.
Sunday morning I woke up to messed up sheets and a kitty purring on my arm. The atrocious feeling of my lack of respect for myself flooded me. I tried to close my eyes and make it go away, as they were shut I remembered what I decided the night before – I was going to do something about it.
I got dressed for the gym and headed over to Target to buy a scale and a couple pubs and some new conditioner. Then I worked out. BG called while I was at the gym to confirm plans and I hesitated in my yes, but I decided I should give it a shot. I stopped at Walgreens and bought foundation and nail polish and headed to the grocery store for spinach and fish to make for lunch and dinner for the rest of the week.
BG picked me up at 7:00 and we had a great time, returning my screwdriver filled ass home and giving him a quick kiss goodbye. I headed up the stairs, into the shower and resolved that I would still get up and go to the gym tomorrow morning.
The alarm rang at 6, I reset it for 6:45. It rang again in what seemed like mere seconds and I laid in bed staring at the cracked ceiling wondering if the changes could wait for tomorrow. If they could I would indulge in Chinese for lunch and a bottle of wine over “Heroes” tonight. Bumpkin heard me stirring so he jumped on my bed, head butted me as if to say “pet me quickly and feed me now.” On the ground were my sweats and a baseball hat, I quickly changed and drove slowly (due to the overnight snow) to the gym. I had only 20 minutes to work out, but I did it. I also resolved to go back to the gym over lunch.
I’m doing something about it. I’ve deleted the existence of RS from my world, including gathering any picture evidence of our once co-mingling worlds and didn’t just put them out of sight, but put them into the garbage, tied up the bag and put it in the trash can outside, smiling in that kind of “you aren’t going to defeat me” kind of way. I banned him from chats and erased him from my phone.
My schedule doesn’t permit for a regular routine working schedule, so I will work out for 20 minutes if it’s all I have and I will do it multiple times a day if it’s all I can muster. I will also readjust my schedule, I can’t always say yes they will need to give me time for me even if I have to schedule it in the calendar that way.
I will regain myself.
On Saturday I woke up with a hangover of the biggest kind, the one where you move slightly to the right and a sharp pain reverbs to the back of your neck, the kind where your stomach grumbles for some sort of liquid that doesn’t contain any alcohol. Friday night was a fundraising event for a local museum, so I left work late to get ready. Upon arriving to the actual event, I realized my house keys were still on my kitchen table so I did the only thing I could think of, I drank – a lot – at the event. On my third martini (and no dinner, I might add) the couples surrounding me got to me and a sudden swamping feeling of loneliness over came me. I chatted with a couple friends, but the booze was definitely kicking in when I did something all of you will judge as the not-to-good move. Upon realizing that I may not have a place to sleep and that engulfing loneliness, I texted RS.
Going off of our regular “What Are You Wearing?” flirtation, I texted, “Red dress, 4” Mary Janes, naughty lace thong, corset – so WRUW?”
“Work clothes, hoping to get out of here soon.”
“Midnight romp?”
“Going out with friends, don’t think I’ll be home.”
“Can be later …”
No response. Fourth martini, “Guess not, I’ll be out of your hair.” And I actually meant it.
I ended up heading over to a local bar, where I bumped into a buddy from bowling and BG. We drank to our hearts content and BG and I talked about his looming feelings and what he wanted from me. It was simple, he wanted me to be all his and not as a friend. Perhaps it was the beer, perhaps it was the loneliness, but I agreed to indulge his fantasy on Sunday by attending a private event that was invitation-only, as his official date.
Back to Saturday. My phone rang and I turned to pick it up, answering #1’s call with a very distinct “OWW.” We firmed our lunch plans at B-W’s and I sauntered to the shower, catching a glimpse of my make up from last night still planted on my face – or cheeks to be more exact. My hair was curly and crazy and I sat in the shower praying that the water would absorb into my skin appropriately and I would be renewed.
Saturday was not much of anything, I ended up taking a nap upon returning home only to wake up and realize that I’m not happy with who I am completely. Then I did something drastic, I decided instead of bitching about it – I’d do something about it. Tomorrow.
Sunday morning I woke up to messed up sheets and a kitty purring on my arm. The atrocious feeling of my lack of respect for myself flooded me. I tried to close my eyes and make it go away, as they were shut I remembered what I decided the night before – I was going to do something about it.
I got dressed for the gym and headed over to Target to buy a scale and a couple pubs and some new conditioner. Then I worked out. BG called while I was at the gym to confirm plans and I hesitated in my yes, but I decided I should give it a shot. I stopped at Walgreens and bought foundation and nail polish and headed to the grocery store for spinach and fish to make for lunch and dinner for the rest of the week.
BG picked me up at 7:00 and we had a great time, returning my screwdriver filled ass home and giving him a quick kiss goodbye. I headed up the stairs, into the shower and resolved that I would still get up and go to the gym tomorrow morning.
The alarm rang at 6, I reset it for 6:45. It rang again in what seemed like mere seconds and I laid in bed staring at the cracked ceiling wondering if the changes could wait for tomorrow. If they could I would indulge in Chinese for lunch and a bottle of wine over “Heroes” tonight. Bumpkin heard me stirring so he jumped on my bed, head butted me as if to say “pet me quickly and feed me now.” On the ground were my sweats and a baseball hat, I quickly changed and drove slowly (due to the overnight snow) to the gym. I had only 20 minutes to work out, but I did it. I also resolved to go back to the gym over lunch.
I’m doing something about it. I’ve deleted the existence of RS from my world, including gathering any picture evidence of our once co-mingling worlds and didn’t just put them out of sight, but put them into the garbage, tied up the bag and put it in the trash can outside, smiling in that kind of “you aren’t going to defeat me” kind of way. I banned him from chats and erased him from my phone.
My schedule doesn’t permit for a regular routine working schedule, so I will work out for 20 minutes if it’s all I have and I will do it multiple times a day if it’s all I can muster. I will also readjust my schedule, I can’t always say yes they will need to give me time for me even if I have to schedule it in the calendar that way.
I will regain myself.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Single & Mingle - Whole Foods
Can't believe I forgot to post about the Single & Mingle night at Whole Foods!
The East Side of Milwaukee just opened up a glorified natural food store that's the size of a small island, one of which I haven't checked out yet, so when an email rounded the office of "Single & Mingle" night my initial reaction was - hell yeah! Until the day came and I was exhausted, kept thinking of my impending Saturday night and didn't feel like going.
"20 minutes MG," E begged - who, by the way, was not single but was going to represent herself in such a way to help wing woman the gaggle of our friends (yes, I said gaggle as in a group of geese). "Fine." I pouted, "But I look like shit." "Who cares? You've got enough dudes to deal with any way."
So we headed over, checked in and got our numbers along with our appropriate colored circle to say, in search of "single man" or "single woman" and headed on over to the wine sampling area (you can sample, while you shop! Just buy a card - or, as we found out later, a bottle and have them un-cork it).
At the wine area our friends started to gather, when a beautiful woman tapped me on the shoulder to request how you actually go about participating in the event. I was dubbed the Sherpa and led her the way - the whole time thinking, if she puts on the red color, I might have to switch teams. But alas, she was also seeking the elusive blue sticker (single guy) as well.
The event it self was not earth shattering, very few single guys, but we bought bottles of wine and got the wranglers around to join in our group - therefore making several matches along the way (E & I stayed out of it).
Today, I'm sitting at my computer when the beautiful and fabulous woman emails me - both E & I very much enjoyed her company - and we made plans to get her into our circle of friends. Then out of the blue, I get an email with no subject line - about to Junk it, I actually read the body for the funny content where a guy tells me there's hidden money he'd like to share with me or a new pill which can make my penis larger ...
It's from the utterly, too handsome guy that I passed off to two young ladies. I gave my card to his friend and he got my information from him. We've been chatting all day and I'm hoping he comes to bowling ...
I forgot to mention that it could be disastrous this evening as there's PA who I made out with last night, my new friend that admitted he kind of likes me (I brought two girls who are a way better match to pass off to) and now Mr. Handsome.
Tune in tomorrow!
The East Side of Milwaukee just opened up a glorified natural food store that's the size of a small island, one of which I haven't checked out yet, so when an email rounded the office of "Single & Mingle" night my initial reaction was - hell yeah! Until the day came and I was exhausted, kept thinking of my impending Saturday night and didn't feel like going.
"20 minutes MG," E begged - who, by the way, was not single but was going to represent herself in such a way to help wing woman the gaggle of our friends (yes, I said gaggle as in a group of geese). "Fine." I pouted, "But I look like shit." "Who cares? You've got enough dudes to deal with any way."
So we headed over, checked in and got our numbers along with our appropriate colored circle to say, in search of "single man" or "single woman" and headed on over to the wine sampling area (you can sample, while you shop! Just buy a card - or, as we found out later, a bottle and have them un-cork it).
At the wine area our friends started to gather, when a beautiful woman tapped me on the shoulder to request how you actually go about participating in the event. I was dubbed the Sherpa and led her the way - the whole time thinking, if she puts on the red color, I might have to switch teams. But alas, she was also seeking the elusive blue sticker (single guy) as well.
The event it self was not earth shattering, very few single guys, but we bought bottles of wine and got the wranglers around to join in our group - therefore making several matches along the way (E & I stayed out of it).
Today, I'm sitting at my computer when the beautiful and fabulous woman emails me - both E & I very much enjoyed her company - and we made plans to get her into our circle of friends. Then out of the blue, I get an email with no subject line - about to Junk it, I actually read the body for the funny content where a guy tells me there's hidden money he'd like to share with me or a new pill which can make my penis larger ...
It's from the utterly, too handsome guy that I passed off to two young ladies. I gave my card to his friend and he got my information from him. We've been chatting all day and I'm hoping he comes to bowling ...
I forgot to mention that it could be disastrous this evening as there's PA who I made out with last night, my new friend that admitted he kind of likes me (I brought two girls who are a way better match to pass off to) and now Mr. Handsome.
Tune in tomorrow!
Today is Wednesday! Plus a bonus recap on a tug boat engineer and poor pick ups.
That means bowling tonight at the Landmark, and some potential making out ... life is good.
Last night my boss and I headed to the Irish Pub for a drink after work, we sat down ordered wine (her) and a beer (me) and chatted a bit before the guy sitting next to us decided to include himself in the conversation. I was a little perturbed by this occasion, as I never get much time with my friend any more and he was by no means was anyone I really wanted to learn more about. In our side conversations we discussed if I should, indeed, return to a non-dating hiatus. Our agreement was no.
She went to the juke box and I pretended to like soccer until dude at the the bar asks me if she's single, "Nope." I replied, "Just moved in with her boyfriend, they're perfect for each other and they are very happy." "Damn. She's so beautiful, of course she's taken." he proceeds.
She comes back and we side track into a catch up on Flower Guy, which he sort of eaves drops on. She leaves for the bathroom and he turns to me, "Are you married?"
"What. Christ no. I'm very single, thank you."
"Can I take you to dinner?"
So here's my thoughts, he's admitted he comes in town for a weekend every 28 days because he operates a tug boat, my second thoughts are if I could, indeed, say no to a bowling make out session, "Because my boyfriend is a tug boat operator." Umm, no. I try to explain that I am, in fact, not in a position to date right now. She returns. He leaves for the bathroom.
"He's very charming." She says, "His story is heartbreaking (forgot to mention he regaled us with a story of how his wife and kids died in a car crash, his brother is a meth head and his other brother is serving 9 years in jail)."
"He's trying to get laid." I snip back.
"I don't think so, why would you say that?"
"Because he first asked me about you, then defaulted to me. Poor dates over the last few years have taught me that." See, I have learned a lesson or two, or twenty. Just sometimes choose not to acknowledge my lessons.
We finish our cocktails and leave.
While this interaction makes for a good story, it did get me to thinking about first impressions and my views of them. When I meet someone I instantly go through a check list of potential compatibility - whether friendship or otherwise - with the opposite sex. Here it is ...
1. Cute? Handsome? Other?
2. Handshake, firm, noodle or otherwise?
3. Speech, possibility of a lisp (note: dated gay guys, this annoys me)
4. Shoulder width - bigger than mine?
5. Height?
6. Conversation - or otherwise, the lack of "like" "dude" and "totally" in a conversation.
This guy fit the list as so ...
1. Other, maybe you could clean him up.
2. Noodle shake, not cute at all.
3. No lisp.
4. Skinny.
5. Tall.
6. Did not use the three "no" words; however, sad stories suck.
Final conclusion, no on friendship and sexual levels.
Last night my boss and I headed to the Irish Pub for a drink after work, we sat down ordered wine (her) and a beer (me) and chatted a bit before the guy sitting next to us decided to include himself in the conversation. I was a little perturbed by this occasion, as I never get much time with my friend any more and he was by no means was anyone I really wanted to learn more about. In our side conversations we discussed if I should, indeed, return to a non-dating hiatus. Our agreement was no.
She went to the juke box and I pretended to like soccer until dude at the the bar asks me if she's single, "Nope." I replied, "Just moved in with her boyfriend, they're perfect for each other and they are very happy." "Damn. She's so beautiful, of course she's taken." he proceeds.
She comes back and we side track into a catch up on Flower Guy, which he sort of eaves drops on. She leaves for the bathroom and he turns to me, "Are you married?"
"What. Christ no. I'm very single, thank you."
"Can I take you to dinner?"
So here's my thoughts, he's admitted he comes in town for a weekend every 28 days because he operates a tug boat, my second thoughts are if I could, indeed, say no to a bowling make out session, "Because my boyfriend is a tug boat operator." Umm, no. I try to explain that I am, in fact, not in a position to date right now. She returns. He leaves for the bathroom.
"He's very charming." She says, "His story is heartbreaking (forgot to mention he regaled us with a story of how his wife and kids died in a car crash, his brother is a meth head and his other brother is serving 9 years in jail)."
"He's trying to get laid." I snip back.
"I don't think so, why would you say that?"
"Because he first asked me about you, then defaulted to me. Poor dates over the last few years have taught me that." See, I have learned a lesson or two, or twenty. Just sometimes choose not to acknowledge my lessons.
We finish our cocktails and leave.
While this interaction makes for a good story, it did get me to thinking about first impressions and my views of them. When I meet someone I instantly go through a check list of potential compatibility - whether friendship or otherwise - with the opposite sex. Here it is ...
1. Cute? Handsome? Other?
2. Handshake, firm, noodle or otherwise?
3. Speech, possibility of a lisp (note: dated gay guys, this annoys me)
4. Shoulder width - bigger than mine?
5. Height?
6. Conversation - or otherwise, the lack of "like" "dude" and "totally" in a conversation.
This guy fit the list as so ...
1. Other, maybe you could clean him up.
2. Noodle shake, not cute at all.
3. No lisp.
4. Skinny.
5. Tall.
6. Did not use the three "no" words; however, sad stories suck.
Final conclusion, no on friendship and sexual levels.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Days like this.
Wow, today was an okay day. It's incredibly cold in good old Milwaukee which means schools are closed and I'm rescheduling classes left and right since my clients have kids. Problem is, I was a little too good at my job and our classroom is booked. Oops.
On the upside, no scary interventions by Flower Guy. On the downside, #1 is still hounding me about helping find the perfect present for his new girlfriend and I apparently am the master of design. Just because a girl owns a couple designer items doesn't make her an expert, and ironically I could take the label and leave with it as I'm perfectly fine with non-name brand items that do just as much magic on my body.
It turns out I didn't break my pre-bill record, I was $254.00 short. It's depressing on one level because it's a goal not reached, but on the other hand it's the second highest pre-bill to date in the company and I did get the first highest one. Either way, it's so cold that I'd like to warm up at a bar - except no one is drinking tonight.
It's Milwaukee! No one is drinking?? Yup. Not a dime, seems they all are inside cuddling with their significant others and prepping for a night of tv watching while the single friend, aka - me, will have to go by herself or cuddle at home with her cat... decisions, decisions.
In other news, I'm perusing the blogs today at work as a means of trying to get my mind off of work and I bump into this blog: http://blackingfriction.blogspot.com which is incredibly delightful and links to a whole crap load of just as deliciously inviting blogs of the same nature and needless to say, I'm hooked!
Tiffany posted in her blog the other day that she was looking for more to read because some people don't update quite as often as she reads, well check them out!
On the upside, no scary interventions by Flower Guy. On the downside, #1 is still hounding me about helping find the perfect present for his new girlfriend and I apparently am the master of design. Just because a girl owns a couple designer items doesn't make her an expert, and ironically I could take the label and leave with it as I'm perfectly fine with non-name brand items that do just as much magic on my body.
It turns out I didn't break my pre-bill record, I was $254.00 short. It's depressing on one level because it's a goal not reached, but on the other hand it's the second highest pre-bill to date in the company and I did get the first highest one. Either way, it's so cold that I'd like to warm up at a bar - except no one is drinking tonight.
It's Milwaukee! No one is drinking?? Yup. Not a dime, seems they all are inside cuddling with their significant others and prepping for a night of tv watching while the single friend, aka - me, will have to go by herself or cuddle at home with her cat... decisions, decisions.
In other news, I'm perusing the blogs today at work as a means of trying to get my mind off of work and I bump into this blog: http://blackingfriction.blogspot.com which is incredibly delightful and links to a whole crap load of just as deliciously inviting blogs of the same nature and needless to say, I'm hooked!
Tiffany posted in her blog the other day that she was looking for more to read because some people don't update quite as often as she reads, well check them out!
Birds Eye View ...
So here's my living room in the hopes we'll all understand that when I say I want a couch to take out the dorm-room feel, we know what the dorm room looks like ...
Little Rituals.
When something goes awry in our lives, we have little rituals that we conduct in the hopes of obtaining the old balance of life with out chaos, to regain the order and start again.
In the post break up period it’s often the ritualistic burning that involves at least two of your closest girl friends, a couple bottles of a great chardonnay and a strong merlot, all memorabilia (and let me add there are tears and friends reassuring you they weren’t great times), a metal garbage can and that pack of matches you saved from your first date.
In the wake of a bad date, for me, it’s often scrubbing off any essence of that person from your skin. The smell of their cologne often leads to the perfect first date outfit being washed at least twice, a hot shower that leaves my skin tinged with a bit of pink and then scrubbing off the walls. It also goes towards a little ritualistic self grooming, where I take off the nail polish (and put it in the drawer, never to be used again - or until I forget that I wore it on such an occasion), repaint and then do a little girly facial thing and sit with a mud mask on and watch my favorite show, in this instance - Heroes.
The bad thing about this right now is that it wasn't a bad date - it was a bad person. I sit here and my phone is still beeping with text messages in which he advises me that he's honored to be blog worthy (myspace, not here) followed by a couple more insults. I've even gotten hang ups from 262 area codes that I don't recognize. I hate not being able to even pick up my phone in hopes of not hearing in person what a slut, cunt, bitch I am from a guy that's only known me for a week.
My mask is dry, I washed it off. My nerves are still rattled as I wait to see who Claire's dad is (my assumption, Nathan Petrelli and I'm right ...) and silence my phone when the 262 comes up.
I call #1, my support unit who is in a bad mood and tells me that I get what I paid for. I didn't go with my gut, these are the consequences. I tell him that he's some friend ... hang up, have a smoke in the cold where I fear if I finish the cigarette my finger might just fall off since it's -13.
I bundled up in my robe and finished my last sip of wine and applied just one more coat of clear polish. I think long and hard about relationships and if I should really enjoy another hiatus.
Just as Scrubs is finishing up the last few minutes I indulge in the last point of my ritual, spritzing my bed with girly smelling body spray and I kiss the bumpkin on his head and curl under the sheets because it's ironically so cold - just like the Flower Guy.
Before my eye lids are too heavy to stay open I realize that a hiatus might feel like the right move but I can't give up so easily. I put my phone on silent just in case, and I slumber off to sleep.
In the post break up period it’s often the ritualistic burning that involves at least two of your closest girl friends, a couple bottles of a great chardonnay and a strong merlot, all memorabilia (and let me add there are tears and friends reassuring you they weren’t great times), a metal garbage can and that pack of matches you saved from your first date.
In the wake of a bad date, for me, it’s often scrubbing off any essence of that person from your skin. The smell of their cologne often leads to the perfect first date outfit being washed at least twice, a hot shower that leaves my skin tinged with a bit of pink and then scrubbing off the walls. It also goes towards a little ritualistic self grooming, where I take off the nail polish (and put it in the drawer, never to be used again - or until I forget that I wore it on such an occasion), repaint and then do a little girly facial thing and sit with a mud mask on and watch my favorite show, in this instance - Heroes.
The bad thing about this right now is that it wasn't a bad date - it was a bad person. I sit here and my phone is still beeping with text messages in which he advises me that he's honored to be blog worthy (myspace, not here) followed by a couple more insults. I've even gotten hang ups from 262 area codes that I don't recognize. I hate not being able to even pick up my phone in hopes of not hearing in person what a slut, cunt, bitch I am from a guy that's only known me for a week.
My mask is dry, I washed it off. My nerves are still rattled as I wait to see who Claire's dad is (my assumption, Nathan Petrelli and I'm right ...) and silence my phone when the 262 comes up.
I call #1, my support unit who is in a bad mood and tells me that I get what I paid for. I didn't go with my gut, these are the consequences. I tell him that he's some friend ... hang up, have a smoke in the cold where I fear if I finish the cigarette my finger might just fall off since it's -13.
I bundled up in my robe and finished my last sip of wine and applied just one more coat of clear polish. I think long and hard about relationships and if I should really enjoy another hiatus.
Just as Scrubs is finishing up the last few minutes I indulge in the last point of my ritual, spritzing my bed with girly smelling body spray and I kiss the bumpkin on his head and curl under the sheets because it's ironically so cold - just like the Flower Guy.
Before my eye lids are too heavy to stay open I realize that a hiatus might feel like the right move but I can't give up so easily. I put my phone on silent just in case, and I slumber off to sleep.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Tax Time.
Ah, the joys of tax time – the government informed me that I overpaid by $650.00 which means I get that back, compiled with a large month of record breaking sales and my normal paycheck – Friday’s looking like a pretty good paycheck of $1620.
What to do? Here’s how exciting my life is …
$220 on the car payment
$200 for student loans
$200 repayment for loan from Dad
$100 for insurance
$200 for credit card
$150 for gas bill
$250 for savings
Total: $1320
Leaving … $300 for the Ikea couch I’m going to get to make my apartment grown up!
What to do? Here’s how exciting my life is …
$220 on the car payment
$200 for student loans
$200 repayment for loan from Dad
$100 for insurance
$200 for credit card
$150 for gas bill
$250 for savings
Total: $1320
Leaving … $300 for the Ikea couch I’m going to get to make my apartment grown up!
Can I go back on hiatous now?
Wow. Really think I shouldn't be dating. Let me recap our Superbowl and today for you ...
After knocking back a couple drinks, I get a text message from said date asking me (and this is actually a quote) "did you flash the goods to any bears fans yet?"
That was incredibly underhanded and I stick to my guns when I say that this was the end for me. I don't believe after one date, one week that a person has the right to say that to me. I, in fact, would even dump a boyfriend for that phrase.
Needless to say the text messaging continued and ended today with some rather nasty insults on his part. He asked if the case was closed on us and I said yes. I got this ...
"Then that's f*cked up and you never did like me. Must be hard to like someone when you love yourself so much."
My response ... "You're right, I love myself enough to know that I won't date someone who will make me feel guilty for being who I am. I like you enough to still wish you the best."
His response (seriously, am I the dude in this?): "FYI - I never said you had to change, NEVER. But like I said if you really had a thing for me something so dumb as this wouldn't have changed your feelings."
My next response: "It's too soon to be making territorial comments like that. It's only going to get worse (tic tac comment, I know) - you've got some major self esteem issues that I'm not set to deal with."
And his next comeback? "I have self esteem issues? I don't go around flashing my tits for attention." - Let me add his tits are bigger than mine.
I finally fell completely into his game telling him to lose my number, fuck off and blow himself. Ah - that was classy.
Weigh in - am I being unreasonable in the sense that I don't want to be with someone who would say something like that after one week? Am I being a b*tch because I wouldn't spend the night at a near stranger's house?
And might I add - what ever happened to a classic date - you know the one where you go out and spend time with out having to go to their house? Do I really "love myself" so much that it's wrong of me to expect that?
After knocking back a couple drinks, I get a text message from said date asking me (and this is actually a quote) "did you flash the goods to any bears fans yet?"
That was incredibly underhanded and I stick to my guns when I say that this was the end for me. I don't believe after one date, one week that a person has the right to say that to me. I, in fact, would even dump a boyfriend for that phrase.
Needless to say the text messaging continued and ended today with some rather nasty insults on his part. He asked if the case was closed on us and I said yes. I got this ...
"Then that's f*cked up and you never did like me. Must be hard to like someone when you love yourself so much."
My response ... "You're right, I love myself enough to know that I won't date someone who will make me feel guilty for being who I am. I like you enough to still wish you the best."
His response (seriously, am I the dude in this?): "FYI - I never said you had to change, NEVER. But like I said if you really had a thing for me something so dumb as this wouldn't have changed your feelings."
My next response: "It's too soon to be making territorial comments like that. It's only going to get worse (tic tac comment, I know) - you've got some major self esteem issues that I'm not set to deal with."
And his next comeback? "I have self esteem issues? I don't go around flashing my tits for attention." - Let me add his tits are bigger than mine.
I finally fell completely into his game telling him to lose my number, fuck off and blow himself. Ah - that was classy.
Weigh in - am I being unreasonable in the sense that I don't want to be with someone who would say something like that after one week? Am I being a b*tch because I wouldn't spend the night at a near stranger's house?
And might I add - what ever happened to a classic date - you know the one where you go out and spend time with out having to go to their house? Do I really "love myself" so much that it's wrong of me to expect that?
Sunday, February 04, 2007
A leopard can’t change her spots – no matter how much hair dye.
I went on a date with Flower Guy on Saturday, just before hand I had a panic attack – literally. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t know why, I just didn’t want to get in my car and drive. After talking with E & J, they convinced me to go with the exception of meeting in a public place and not his house.
When I arrived we enjoyed a bit of banter and I wasn’t sure why I was so paranoid. We crossed the road for dinner and enjoyed more enlightening conversation – and then he looked at me weird.
“What?”
“I’m a pretty good judge of character.”
“Okay”
“Would you say you’re care-free? A free spirit and a wild child?”
“I’m not sure what you’re asking. Yes I’m care-free, I used to not be and I wasn’t as near charming. But if you’re asking if I cheat, no. I’m sexually liberated, but I’ve never been in a relationship where girl/boyfriend titles were exchanged and dipped into a pool where I didn’t belong.”
“But I’m assuming the boy/girlfriend titles aren’t easily established.”
“No, you have to work for that.”
“See I focus on one person.”
“So do I, for instance I was at a singles event last night and I didn’t get a single number because I’m focused on you.”
“That’s flattering. So do you tame down when you have a boyfriend?”
“Excuse me?”
The whole night this stood in the back of my head like a tic-tac time bomb. We went back to his place to watch a movie, which he insisted on trying to make out and go down my shirt. I was relieved when J called at 9 as promised so I could leave.
It was 9:45 when I insisted on leaving and he insisted on pushing me up against a wall. This is when I realized I like STOCKY guys, not fat guys. His weight against me caused a rush of panic and I ran out of his place.
My phone calls on the hour drive home confirmed the panic that stuck in my brain – was he basically asking me if I change in a relationship because he couldn’t accept who I was? Between 2 girls and 2 guys the answer was, “Yes. That’s exactly what he’s looking for.” And then I wondered to myself, was there something wrong with me being care-free, a free spirit, that has left me by myself for 3 years? I was confused, I started to cry.
I arrived home and text messaged Flower Guy, E & J to let them know I was home safe. Flower Guy then nailed his coffin shut with numerous text messages that completely revealed his insecurity and our incompatibility.
So I did the only thing I knew I could do for clarity. I called an old friend who I have had a previous physical relationship with and asked if we could talk.
On the way JF called and we chatted about his date and then I told him of mine. The thing about JF is that I completely trust him and he can read me in ways no one else could, that’s when he told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I can’t change – a leopard can’t change her spots and that’s what makes her who she is – other wise she’d try to pass herself off as a lion or a puma or a panther – it just would never work.
When I arrived at OF’s house, I wittily leaned against his salt-stained door and rang the bell. He answered, “Hello?”
“I was told that if a girl wanted to get off – she should come here.”
“Where was this?”
“On the internet.” We kissed. “Let me see if the owner is home.”
“I’m okay with you.”
We made out like high schoolers, kissing and touching but nothing more. His lips and hands were comfort, a little guilt tripped over me that Flower Guy had just done the same, but it wasn’t this feeling. The feeling of trust and comfort.
“So what’s going on?”
I explained the situation, he looked in my eyes. “You are a wild child. You are a free spirit, but you aren’t you with those things. I knew you before you were liberated and this person you’ve become is so much more amazing. Some one will come along that will be okay with your nature and you’ll never have to settle – that’s the relationship urban myth at least.”
“Were you watching Sex and the City?”
“It was late when you called! I don’t have cable. Bite me.” We giggled, I put back on my shirt and kissed him good-bye. It was 6am.
I went home and did the dirty deed of the good-bye email …
“I just wanted to say I did have a good time but the truth is you’re looking for someone I’m not. While I think you’re wonderful, I can’t waste your time. Milwaukee Girl.
When I woke up this morning I looked in the mirror, this leopard is pretty amazing.
When I arrived we enjoyed a bit of banter and I wasn’t sure why I was so paranoid. We crossed the road for dinner and enjoyed more enlightening conversation – and then he looked at me weird.
“What?”
“I’m a pretty good judge of character.”
“Okay”
“Would you say you’re care-free? A free spirit and a wild child?”
“I’m not sure what you’re asking. Yes I’m care-free, I used to not be and I wasn’t as near charming. But if you’re asking if I cheat, no. I’m sexually liberated, but I’ve never been in a relationship where girl/boyfriend titles were exchanged and dipped into a pool where I didn’t belong.”
“But I’m assuming the boy/girlfriend titles aren’t easily established.”
“No, you have to work for that.”
“See I focus on one person.”
“So do I, for instance I was at a singles event last night and I didn’t get a single number because I’m focused on you.”
“That’s flattering. So do you tame down when you have a boyfriend?”
“Excuse me?”
The whole night this stood in the back of my head like a tic-tac time bomb. We went back to his place to watch a movie, which he insisted on trying to make out and go down my shirt. I was relieved when J called at 9 as promised so I could leave.
It was 9:45 when I insisted on leaving and he insisted on pushing me up against a wall. This is when I realized I like STOCKY guys, not fat guys. His weight against me caused a rush of panic and I ran out of his place.
My phone calls on the hour drive home confirmed the panic that stuck in my brain – was he basically asking me if I change in a relationship because he couldn’t accept who I was? Between 2 girls and 2 guys the answer was, “Yes. That’s exactly what he’s looking for.” And then I wondered to myself, was there something wrong with me being care-free, a free spirit, that has left me by myself for 3 years? I was confused, I started to cry.
I arrived home and text messaged Flower Guy, E & J to let them know I was home safe. Flower Guy then nailed his coffin shut with numerous text messages that completely revealed his insecurity and our incompatibility.
So I did the only thing I knew I could do for clarity. I called an old friend who I have had a previous physical relationship with and asked if we could talk.
On the way JF called and we chatted about his date and then I told him of mine. The thing about JF is that I completely trust him and he can read me in ways no one else could, that’s when he told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I can’t change – a leopard can’t change her spots and that’s what makes her who she is – other wise she’d try to pass herself off as a lion or a puma or a panther – it just would never work.
When I arrived at OF’s house, I wittily leaned against his salt-stained door and rang the bell. He answered, “Hello?”
“I was told that if a girl wanted to get off – she should come here.”
“Where was this?”
“On the internet.” We kissed. “Let me see if the owner is home.”
“I’m okay with you.”
We made out like high schoolers, kissing and touching but nothing more. His lips and hands were comfort, a little guilt tripped over me that Flower Guy had just done the same, but it wasn’t this feeling. The feeling of trust and comfort.
“So what’s going on?”
I explained the situation, he looked in my eyes. “You are a wild child. You are a free spirit, but you aren’t you with those things. I knew you before you were liberated and this person you’ve become is so much more amazing. Some one will come along that will be okay with your nature and you’ll never have to settle – that’s the relationship urban myth at least.”
“Were you watching Sex and the City?”
“It was late when you called! I don’t have cable. Bite me.” We giggled, I put back on my shirt and kissed him good-bye. It was 6am.
I went home and did the dirty deed of the good-bye email …
“I just wanted to say I did have a good time but the truth is you’re looking for someone I’m not. While I think you’re wonderful, I can’t waste your time. Milwaukee Girl.
When I woke up this morning I looked in the mirror, this leopard is pretty amazing.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Guy's Girl.
I was on the phone with Flower Guy last night after a long day at work in our Madison office. We talked about his work, my day, his friends, his travels, my travels and my friends.
"You seem to have a lot of male friends." he said, "You seem like you're a guys girl, the sports, the humor, everything."
"Yup. Just prefer them I guess, I have female friends too - just not as many close ones." I quipped back.
"So I want to ask you a question, but I'm not sure I want to know the answer or that you want to give me the answer."
"Shoot, I'm an open book."
"How many of them have you been with?"
That's a variation question, it's a lead into the inevitable - how many people have you been with question, but this one even has a bit more sting. Do I tell the truth? If I do, how do I justify it?
And then it dawns on me, the truth is the best response. If he would ever meet them I wouldn't want our huggy natures to be confused with potential cheating, so I answered honestly.
"#1 is my best friend, he's also my ex."
"JF is one of my closest friends, we've made out on occasion"
"Passive aggressive is a great friend, we've made out, but nothing more."
"Admin works with me and I offer to make out with him, he just turns me down."
Silence. Here's where I wonder if I mention RS and I justify that we aren't actually friends, so he doesn't count. Plus he's never been brought up in a conversation.
Still silence, which means I ramble on and on trying to justify it. "I'm one of those people that believes in connections, so whether or not we've ever done anything isn't an issue, it's did we connect - if we did, then they stay. If we didn't - then they go." More rambling, "I mean, I'm not a whore or anything." More silence. "Can you throw me a bone here? I'm rambling and the silence is killing me."
"I'm just listening, it's interesting." He says.
Then we switched subjects, thank god, and went back to Saturday plans.
"You seem to have a lot of male friends." he said, "You seem like you're a guys girl, the sports, the humor, everything."
"Yup. Just prefer them I guess, I have female friends too - just not as many close ones." I quipped back.
"So I want to ask you a question, but I'm not sure I want to know the answer or that you want to give me the answer."
"Shoot, I'm an open book."
"How many of them have you been with?"
That's a variation question, it's a lead into the inevitable - how many people have you been with question, but this one even has a bit more sting. Do I tell the truth? If I do, how do I justify it?
And then it dawns on me, the truth is the best response. If he would ever meet them I wouldn't want our huggy natures to be confused with potential cheating, so I answered honestly.
"#1 is my best friend, he's also my ex."
"JF is one of my closest friends, we've made out on occasion"
"Passive aggressive is a great friend, we've made out, but nothing more."
"Admin works with me and I offer to make out with him, he just turns me down."
Silence. Here's where I wonder if I mention RS and I justify that we aren't actually friends, so he doesn't count. Plus he's never been brought up in a conversation.
Still silence, which means I ramble on and on trying to justify it. "I'm one of those people that believes in connections, so whether or not we've ever done anything isn't an issue, it's did we connect - if we did, then they stay. If we didn't - then they go." More rambling, "I mean, I'm not a whore or anything." More silence. "Can you throw me a bone here? I'm rambling and the silence is killing me."
"I'm just listening, it's interesting." He says.
Then we switched subjects, thank god, and went back to Saturday plans.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Bowling Redux.
I'm typing in that hung over, God - why did I do that? state right now. Last night was bowling, which means drinking, smoking and making out. Check, check and check!
Last week I was sober and bowled a mere 54, my team begged me to please drink this week and drinking I did. My score upped to a wonderful 121, good enough for advertising bowling. I also happened to bowl next to Mr. Passive Aggressive from last year and engaged in some witty banter for awhile. My text phone rang from 2 pursuers, and my flirting got higher and higher with my alcohol intake.
And then it happened. I'm not 100% sure how, but there was some smooching with Mr. Passive Aggressive and I forgot what a great kisser he was. I sobered up, left with him (but not LEFT with him), kissed good bye and went home to bed.
In the meantime it seems I've over committed myself once again to engagements, not to Flower Guy's pleasant surprise. I had thought we reschedule our Saturday to Friday, but it was his understanding that I scheduled two dates with him and not just one. Yikes. This didn't go over to well when he finally said, "I don't know how I'm ever going to fit into your world."
My response, "It's your decision - but for three years my work, family and friends have been my world and I just met you, so you don't get priority. You can ease into my world and then you'll become one too."
Not sure how that really set, but now he's getting on my nerves. I know relationships are compromises, but when you first meet you can not compromise who you are and what your life is. Plus he always wants me out there - in Racine. 45 minutes away. Kiss my ass buddy.
Last week I was sober and bowled a mere 54, my team begged me to please drink this week and drinking I did. My score upped to a wonderful 121, good enough for advertising bowling. I also happened to bowl next to Mr. Passive Aggressive from last year and engaged in some witty banter for awhile. My text phone rang from 2 pursuers, and my flirting got higher and higher with my alcohol intake.
And then it happened. I'm not 100% sure how, but there was some smooching with Mr. Passive Aggressive and I forgot what a great kisser he was. I sobered up, left with him (but not LEFT with him), kissed good bye and went home to bed.
In the meantime it seems I've over committed myself once again to engagements, not to Flower Guy's pleasant surprise. I had thought we reschedule our Saturday to Friday, but it was his understanding that I scheduled two dates with him and not just one. Yikes. This didn't go over to well when he finally said, "I don't know how I'm ever going to fit into your world."
My response, "It's your decision - but for three years my work, family and friends have been my world and I just met you, so you don't get priority. You can ease into my world and then you'll become one too."
Not sure how that really set, but now he's getting on my nerves. I know relationships are compromises, but when you first meet you can not compromise who you are and what your life is. Plus he always wants me out there - in Racine. 45 minutes away. Kiss my ass buddy.
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